I'm ruining one child's life... (What to do about a crier)

[beth83]

I have a child who is a crier and I just cannot handle it.  She cries about EVERYTHING.  Little things, big things, stupid things, every thing.  (She is 6, btw.)

 

It's not that she is balking at us asking her to do things, or that she isn't getting her way.  Just any displeasure is expressed in tears.  We do not stand for whining and I usually send her to her room, but that results in her being in her room a lot.  I can only imagine what she will think of when she looks back on her childhood -- a life spent in her room, alone, when all of her siblings are having fun downstairs.  I'm sure she will be the child who despises us and her childhood and will need therapy to deal with it all.

 

I asked her to stop reading to start school, so she came downstairs to our school table and picked up another book.  I asked her to put it down and she started crying.  

 

Me: Why are you crying?!?" 

Daughter:  Because I want to read.  

Me: Is that REALLY a reason to cry?

 

She enjoys school and does well, just at that moment, she wanted to read.  Hence the tears.  

 

Her brother talked to her while she was trying to sew.  Hence tears.

 

Her sister got some play dough on her bike.  Hence, tears.

 

We say she can only have water tonight at a restaurant.  Hence, tears.

 

She can't sit next to so-and-so at dinner.  Hence, tears.

 

Tears.  Always.  Help.  

 

I feel she is having a horrible childhood, but we aren't going to give in just to make her happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[freesia]

It's going to be okay, really. Some children are just more sensitive. When she's sad, try to give her alternatives to crying and talk to her about how to jump "hurdles" (things that upset her). Maybe teacher her to talk through her disappointments--I really want to read and am frustrated that I can't, but I know that in x minutes I can return to my book, it will still be there for me and-in fact-I get to enjoy it for a longer time. She is still very young and some 6 year olds are throwing fits, expressing anger physically, yelling, etc. They are still learning. I don't think it's a reflection of how she views her life (if you said that she is lethargic, only wants to be alone, cries all the time, that would be more concerning.) And ultimately, it is her choice to chose to be happy.

 

ETA: I mean do the brainstorming for jumping hurdles when she is NOT sad or upset.

Edited March 14, 2016 by freesia

[MomatHWTK]

It will probably start with you learning to accept tears as a legitimate expression of emotion. I was also not tolerant of my child's issues. He was seeing a therapist (for other reasons-ASD) and I mentioned that I was frustrated because the things he was upset about were so silly. The therapist looked at me and said something to the effect that many things a child is upset about will seem silly to an adult. The problem was not that he was upset, it was that I wasn't allowing him to express his feelings. Whether I feel that a concern of my child is legitimate or not, I need to make a safe space for them to verbalize how they are feeling. 

 

With a crier- Oh it can be so frustrating! But what I am learning is that big emotions are hard for little people to express. Slowly, patiently, help the child learn to verbalize and categorize feelings and it will teach them better control. But hiding or locking up feelings to satisfy the adults in her life is a recipe for disaster. 

 

I have in no way achieved perfection in this area, all my kids know that expressing X or Y feeling will probably drive mommy nuts. But I do try to backtrack and let them know when I was the one who was wrong. I might say, "I'm sorry I didn't listen when you were trying to tell me X earlier, I was tired or needed some time to think about it." It is important to make sure the child knows that their truly felt responses to a situation aren't wrong, even if I take it the wrong way at the time. 

 

I did a quick search and here are some other folks who have advice on the topic:

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=heping%20children%20verbalize%20emotions

Edited March 14, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[beth83]

It's going to be okay, really. Some children are just more sensitive. When she's sad, try to give her alternatives to crying and talk to her about how to jump "hurdles" (things that upset her). Maybe teacher her to talk through her disappointments--I really want to read and am frustrated that I can't, but I know that in x minutes I can return to my book, it will still be there for me and-in fact-I get to enjoy it for a longer time. She is still very young and some 6 year olds are throwing fits, expressing anger physically, yelling, etc. They are still learning. I don't think it's a reflection of how she views her life (if you said that she is lethargic, only wants to be alone, cries all the time, that would be more concerning.) And ultimately, it is her choice to chose to be happy.

I have these calm talks with her every day. We always talk about we all have choices to make in our actions. It's okay for things to not go exactly how we want (because that is life) but there are other ways to express our feelings. We talk about how we are blessed with so much and have lots of great experiences, but sometimes things don't go how we want.

 

I will just keep reminding myself that she still is young and she will outgrow it. Thank you!

[HomeAgain]

You didn't say how old she is.  About 7?

 

I turn the tables on kids.  "What are you going to do about it, then?"  And I listen.  Not to general complaining, but to how they're going to deal. 

 

My job is not to make kids happy.  My job is to give them lifelong tools: dealing with disappointment, building character and dignity, expressing anger...right now I have a wee'un who wants things to be "fair" even if she hasn't earned the privilege the others have.  Being youngest, this is going to help shape her - if I give in because she's smaller, I discount the privilege for those who have earned it and it's going to create entitlement, whining, and tears.  If I stand firm, it has a chance to help her grow and develop internal drive.

 

[beth83]

It will probably start with you learning to accept tears as a legitimate expression of emotion. I was also not tolerant of my child's issues. He was seeing a therapist (for other reasons-ASD) and I mentioned that I was frustrated because the things he was upset about were so silly. The therapist looked at me and said something to the effect that many things a child is upset about will seem silly to an adult. The problem was not that he was upset, it was that I wasn't allowing him to express his feelings. Whether I feel that a concern of my child is legitimate or not, I need to make a safe space for them to verbalize how they are feeling.

 

With a crier- Oh it can be so frustrating! But what I am learning is that big emotions are hard for little people to express. Slowly, patiently, help the child learn to verbalize and categorize feelings and it will teach them better control. But hiding or locking up feelings to satisfy the adults in her life is a recipe for disaster.

 

I have in no way achieved perfection in this area, all my kids know that expressing X or Y feeling will probably drive mommy nuts. But I do try to backtrack and let them know when I was the one who was wrong. I might say, "I'm sorry I didn't listen when you were trying to tell me X earlier, I was tired or needed some time to think about it." It is important to make sure the child knows that their truly felt responses to a situation aren't wrong, even if I take it the wrong way at the time.

 

I did a quick search and here are some other folks who have advice on the topic:

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=heping%20children%20verbalize%20emotions

This is great! I can see this as a problem. My mother-in-law actually passed me a book long ago about validating a child (as she was experiencing things with my grown sister-in-law and saw this as something they didn't do in her childhood.) I probably need to go read it!

[JustEm]

Crying is an acceptable way to express emotions. Helping her learn other acceptable ways to express emotions and to process the emotions she has will go a long way. I'd work on asking how certain things make her feel, the things that make her cry. Help her identify the feelings that are causing her to react with tears. Once she can identify how she feels you can help her learn more effective ways of expressing herself.

[hornblower]

I'd say have a look at Gordon Neufeld's  dvd  Heart Matters - the science of Emotion http://neufeldinstitute.org/products/dvds/heart-matters/

(& his Hold on To Your Kids book) 

& have a listen to this 

[Anne in CA]

My oldest is like this, for lots of reasons. It IS maddening when it is something so small that it wouldn't even be  blip on most people's radars. I tried to be too sensitive, because she had a lot of other issues, but mostly her tears spoiled events for my other two, so whether or not she is in her room the question is this... Does she get to make everyone miserable or be miserable alone? The right answer is alone. But she is 27 and quite angry about not being allowed to make everyone else miserable ,lol. For my dd, that was the point of the tears, to make others unhappy also. For some people it is different, and it probably needs different attention, but other children should not have to suffer because one cries a lot.

[Tsuga]

I have a whiner, not a crier. My second. It literally makes my teeth hurt, makes me nauseous. I feel terrible but I cannot take the sound. It is like someone scraping styrofoam next to a megaphone. It might be legitimate but I can't take it.

 

"I need you to use a calmer voice now."

 

"That voice hurts my teeth. Can you please use your calm voice?"

 

"I can hear you without whining. Can you try a quiet voice to tell me what is wrong?"

 

Sometimes, if she will not stop, I have to leave. "The noise you are making hurts my ears. I need to leave. I'll come back when it is quieter."

 

Sometimes she refuses to stop and is bugging all of us and then she does go to her room. But I try other things first.

 

I think you have a lot of good suggestions here, but remember to take care of your reactions as well. Sensitivity to high pitched squeaks is real and if you can isolate your irritation at the sound and take care of that separately from your daughter's emotion it could also help.

[Mimm]

You need to be ok with that. That's just how she expresses strong emotion. I have a cryer, and it very much tried my patience many times. She's 13 and still cries easily. I have an adult friend who is a cryer. To this day she just cries, happiness, sadness, anger, etc. My daughter was one day crying because she cries so much (really) and I told her, it's just who she is and she needs to be ok with it. Some people just cry. I have been guilty of punishing her for crying, and I wish I hadn't.

 

ETA: This same child told me when she was four years old and I stood her in time out that I ruined her life. So since it's already ruined, that's a lot of pressure off. :)

Edited March 14, 2016 by Mimm

[snickerplum]

I have criers. I feel your pain.

I don't think it's bad to send her to her room. Crying children can be draining.

"I know you're sad/frustrated/bothered by _____, but it's not a reason to cry." I say this more often than I'd like. Also, "you don't get your way for crying," when the crying is an attempt to get something. And as a mom, you know when your child is sad ("I wanted lemonade, not water, I'm sad") vs crying to get something ("if I cry maybe they'll let have lemonade..."). I don't think children should be allowed to express whatever they feel at any hour of the day (I'm totally not saying you allow or encourage the crying, I just know some parents feel it's stifling or scarring a child to not let them act how they want at all times). It's part of our job as parents to help them know what is appropriate and when/where.

One of my criers is more likely to cry when hungry, so I try to keep a check on that.

She'll probably stay emotional as she matures, but cry less as you guide her to better expressions of disappointment.

When she cries, think of me and know that you're not alone. :-)

[Suzanne in ABQ]

It sounds like she uses crying as her go-to response to everything that doesn't go the way she expects or desires.  It might help to teach her words for all the different emotions she is feeling, and guide her toward coming up with a solution to each problem.  For your examples, you will need to coach her toward the appropriate response, but once she understands the pattern, she will make strides toward working her own way through:

 

 

she wanted to read.  "I'm disappointed because I really would rather read my book than do my lesson.  May I read my book after my lesson/at lunch/at 10:00/some other specific time?"

 

Her brother talked to her while she was trying to sew.  "It's hard to concentrate when he talks to me.  (to brother) I will talk when I'm finished with this seam."

 

Her sister got some play dough on her bike.  "I'm mad because she got play dough on my bike.  I'm glad it will come off easily when it dries, but I wish she'd take better care of my stuff."

 

We say she can only have water tonight at a restaurant.  Hence, tears.

 

She can't sit next to so-and-so at dinner.  Hence, tears.

[Janeway]

I have taken to a no-tolerance rule with my son over this. He whines all day long. I finally chewed him out (aka, lectured in a quick and angry tone) over his bad behavior. I just let it loose. Then I told him what his punishment would be if I heard one more whine today. And I stood by it. 

 

I am still standing by it. I am fed up. We are moving on. I cannot imagine him sitting in a public school classroom moaning and whining over every single thing. I am done with it. The crying and whining and moaning is to manipulate. I told him it was not cute and not going to get anyone to respect him and so on. It might get him pity when he is little from people, but at this point, he just looks like a whiney little kid who no one respects. 

 

Good luck!

[The Governess]

I have a crier. She cries if she has to fix mistakes she made in her schoolwork. She cries if she has to clean her room or any other mess she's made. Etc.

 

My girls are only allowed to have their iPods/iPhones if they are showing that they are responsible. This means doing a good job on schoolwork, staying on top of chores, etc. I consider working on fixing bad habits, like crying over mistakes or letting things around the house distract you from your work, etc. part of being responsible. I don't expect perfection, but if I see them giving into bad habits continuously then they are not being responsible enough to have their electronics, and they have to earn them back.

 

I'll just say, it's amazing how fast Dd can keep herself from crying when she has a real-to-her reason to try not to. Also, it is getting better with age... Although in general the crying seems to just get replaced by complaining instead. Sigh....

[Farrar]

If I tried to stop my crier from crying, all heck would break loose. He needs to cry to move on. Also, I sort of suspect he likes being sad, which, okay, sometimes I like to be sad too. So I let him cry. We've had some interesting conversations about the need for catharsis - sometimes I read him sad stories and he likes it. So mostly I let him cry when he needs to. Then he gets over and it moves on. Who am I to tell him he can't be sad about something or that something isn't a reason to cry? Now, is he allowed to wail at us when we're all fine? Nope. But he can have the time he needs. It's not a big deal.

 

I really chafe when people have the advice that you can stop a child from feeling what she's feeling or that her feelings are wrong - that her sad isn't worth tears. I don't think that sets a person up for a life of healthy emotions. Kids shouldn't be allowed to dominate the room either, of course. And the world can't grind to a halt every time someone is blue. Some places really aren't appropriate for tears, so that's important to note, but most of the time we're just home. And practicing managing your own sadness, having an outlet for it... Meh. Those are good things to me. I think the key thing for you as a parent is just walk away. Don't let her sadness be your problem per se. I mean, be kind about it, be affirming, maybe even set up a sadness time with her. You have these fifteen minutes before bedtime or before dinner or whenever makes sense to tell me all the sad, disappointing things but then mommy won't be listening to anything about them for the rest of the day. But you can't force it out of her and it's likely that the harder you try, the worse it'll get. Or it'll turn to anger, which I think is worse - harder for her and way harder for you.

[bolt.]

Scripting will help with whining (also known in my house as 'choosing your voice'). I tend to say, "That voice isn't working well. You can try again with a confident (strong, calm) voice, or, if you can't find any other voice that will work right now, you can just take a break and breathe (or hug)."

 

Honest sympathy will be the basis of any meaningful change in her emotional expression, though. Adult cryers have near silent tears (with sniffs) and assure the people nearby that, "I'm fine, I just cry sometimes." Teaching towards 'mature tears' (while accepting immature tears) is a good strategy.

 

Telling her that there is no reason to cry is the opposite of accepting. It raises her psychological drive (not a choice) to be more expressive until you appear to understand her perspective. Legitimately believing that she is experiencing sadness is not the same as honestly thinking her response is proportional... You can communicate the former without believing the latter.

 

Isolating her should be reserved for outright shriek-crying while refusing comfort, or refusing to try a non-whine approach (and refusing to take a break from talking until non-whine becomes a possibility).

 

Isolating her when she is merely sobbing, or for starting something with a whine (but attempting to co-operate) is a message that is too strong. It stonewalls her attempts to communicate and her desire to be comforted because they are in too intense of a format. She may understand cognitively that if she were less intense in her reactions, she could get what she needs those ways, but, in the inner life, if "intensity level 5" is getting no response, a person naturally tries level 6 or 7 tomorrow, not level 3. She is not big enough to overrule her instinct to amplify with the logic of deescalation. Those feelings just ambush her. She just doesn't have the level of control you imagine (not should she)... The rhetoric of "choices" is lost because it is not actually an expression of the facts of the emotional/cognitive life of a 6 year old.

 

Smaller choices, with warmth and support will work. Scripting, helping, and empathy are your best tools. This ball is too big for her court.

[maize]

Right now you are invalidating her feelings ("is that really a reason to cry?")

 

Your first move needs to be recognizing and acknowledging that her feelings and experiences are real and valid. That doesn't mean endorsing them, it just means letting her know that you see and understand how she is feeling. "It is really hard for you to come do your schoolwork when you were in the middle of an interesting book, isn't it?" Said without any condemnation.

 

After that, you can proceed with "It's time now to stop crying and work. Let's take some deep breaths to calm down."

[The Governess]

If I tried to stop my crier from crying, all heck would break loose. He needs to cry to move on. Also, I sort of suspect he likes being sad, which, okay, sometimes I like to be sad too. So I let him cry. We've had some interesting conversations about the need for catharsis - sometimes I read him sad stories and he likes it. So mostly I let him cry when he needs to. Then he gets over and it moves on. Who am I to tell him he can't be sad about something or that something isn't a reason to cry? Now, is he allowed to wail at us when we're all fine? Nope. But he can have the time he needs. It's not a big deal.

 

I really chafe when people have the advice that you can stop a child from feeling what she's feeling or that her feelings are wrong - that her sad isn't worth tears. I don't think that sets a person up for a life of healthy emotions. Kids shouldn't be allowed to dominate the room either, of course. And the world can't grind to a halt every time someone is blue. Some places really aren't appropriate for tears, so that's important to note, but most of the time we're just home. And practicing managing your own sadness, having an outlet for it... Meh. Those are good things to me. I think the key thing for you as a parent is just walk away. Don't let her sadness be your problem per se. I mean, be kind about it, be affirming, maybe even set up a sadness time with her. You have these fifteen minutes before bedtime or before dinner or whenever makes sense to tell me all the sad, disappointing things but then mommy won't be listening to anything about them for the rest of the day. But you can't force it out of her and it's likely that the harder you try, the worse it'll get. Or it'll turn to anger, which I think is worse - harder for her and way harder for you.

I do agree with this. I think that sadness is a valid emotion and it needs to be expressed. But I would equate the type of crying I'm talking about to a grown-up who just wants to vent and complain about every wrong thing in their life all the time. It turns into a habit of negative thinking, and affects everyone around them as well. I think it's helpful to teach kids that they have the power to regulate themselves when they are feeling this way while also empathizing with them and validating the emotion behind it.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Crying is a valid expression of feeling.

 

Let her cry, and move on.

 

It is easier to handle intense emotion if you have a safe place to figure it out.

[6packofun]

I have had a couple like this.  One thing that I think really helped is to have a hopeful response to offer so that she sees life will not always be so "hard".  (Yeah, I know, I'm playing the world's tiniest violin right along with you, but bear with me.  LOL)

 

So, an example of something I would say when there really wasn't anything I could DO to alleviate the feelings of sadness was, "You know what? One day, when you're a little older, you're going to be so strong that things like this won't make you cry! You will still cry at some things, but inside you'll be able to see that you don't NEED to and...you won't!"

 

Another: "When you are bigger, even though your heart will have the same feelings, your mind will be able to find ways to fight against being sad. Is there something I can do to help you with that right now?"  ("No!"  Me: "OK, well let me know if you think of something! I know it can be hard to feel sad and not know what to do about it.  It's OK to just let the sadness run out and I'll be here with you.")

 

 I think it's really important to judge whether or not it's something to even intervene on in the first place and try to loosen up on that.  But letting children know that as they grow older they will also grow stronger and more capable is a good way to let them see that life will not always be full of tears.  As much.  LOL

[Farrar]

I do agree with this. I think that sadness is a valid emotion and it needs to be expressed. But I would equate the type of crying I'm talking about to a grown-up who just wants to vent and complain about every wrong thing in their life all the time. It turns into a habit of negative thinking, and affects everyone around them as well. I think it's helpful to teach kids that they have the power to regulate themselves when they are feeling this way while also empathizing with them and validating the emotion behind it.

 

Yes... it's a fine line between the crying and the whining... and then, to the other side, to the anger. I am far from perfect at this tricky balance of validating the sad feelings and cutting off the complainy, whiny expressions. Other ds is more of a whiner - it comes from a place of anxiety, but whoa, yeah, if he's allowed to run with it, it runs out of control. He actually had a huge cry the other day though and it was so cathartic. I was like, see why your brother feels better after he cries? He was like, wow, yeah, this is way better than moaning and groaning all the time. If only I could retrain him...

 

I think what I see from the OP though... her dd is just in the crying phase. I think if you push on it too hard and don't validate it, it does become whining and then eventually anger. And she's young. That's why I think validation is probably the key here. Validate, practice some good phrases around it, maybe make a special time for talking about it. And then... yeah, just let it go and don't carry it around as a piece of guilt or a worry for the OP or something that has to be fixed. Don't let it push your mom buttons.

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 14, 2016 by cathey

[GAPeachie]

I have a child like this.  You could look at her wrong and she would cry. 

 

I spoke to our pediatrician and he suggested we take out gluten for about 2 weeks.  Totally different kid! She does cry still but not NEARLY as much as she was. 

[GAPeachie]

I have a child like this.  You could look at her wrong and she would cry. 

 

I spoke to our pediatrician and he suggested we take out gluten for about 2 weeks.  Totally different kid! She does cry still but not NEARLY as much as she was. 

[barnwife]

I agree with pp who said that telling someone "X isn't a reason to cry/whine/whatever" isn't the best response. 

I heard that a lot growing up. And, yes, as an adult, I'd say it's a contributing factor into the state of my relationship with my parents. Even as a kid, I thought "well, clearly it's enough of a reason for me!" Yes, I was an emotional kid. In this regard, I was/am the complete opposite of my parents. They didn't handle the mismatch well.

I think you just need to keep chipping away at coping mechanisms. Learning/internalizing them is a marathon, not a sprint. Your DD is young yet.

(My oldest is only 5.5, so take what I say with a grain of salt.)

[Tsuga]

I have taken to a no-tolerance rule with my son over this. He whines all day long. I finally chewed him out (aka, lectured in a quick and angry tone) over his bad behavior. I just let it loose. Then I told him what his punishment would be if I heard one more whine today. And I stood by it.

 

I am still standing by it. I am fed up. We are moving on. I cannot imagine him sitting in a public school classroom moaning and whining over every single thing. I am done with it. The crying and whining and moaning is to manipulate. I told him it was not cute and not going to get anyone to respect him and so on. It might get him pity when he is little from people, but at this point, he just looks like a whiney little kid who no one respects.

 

Good luck!

Re: public school: my kids are in PS. They don't whine or cry there. Only at home. I asked the teachers for help, for methods, but they had none. "She's just so pleasant!" Uh.

[Farrar]

Re: public school: my kids are in PS. They don't whine or cry there. Only at home. I asked the teachers for help, for methods, but they had none. "She's just so pleasant!" Uh.

 

Kids bring their worst behavior to the person they trust the most. It's a sign of love.  :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously, I know that's tough, but I don't ascribe to the Machiavelli school of parenting so I guess I just have to keep reminding myself of that...

[trulycrabby]

I have one who hates transitions, so I feel your pain. He doesn't cry, but asks a bazillion jillion questions about why, how come, when, rinse, repeat. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

She's so young. I do think kids eventually have to be weaned off crying as a regularl thing. Despite what people might say, crying is a 'frowned upon' way to express emotion in many situations. I would not want to cry at work, cry in meetings, cry when I am frustrated as a consumer. I am not saying those things are the end of the world, but I think it's best to minimize crying just as yelling is not always acceptable, I think teaching self control over crying is necessary as kids grow.

 

But she is so young. And she may be one of those kids who thinks that she has to really SHOW her emotions for people to take it seriously. So maybe you have to focus on not letting the crying bother you, but also on teaching her over time that you recognize her emotion when she isn't crying. Also, teaching names of feelings helped with my kids. When they learn to recognize and *say* that they are feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, defeated, disappointed, inadequate, ignored, etc, they didn't just emote but described.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Danestress

[The Governess]

Accidentally quoted someone...

Edited March 15, 2016 by lovelearnandlive

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited November 14, 2016 by cathey

[MegP]

You didn't say how old she is.  About 7?

 

I turn the tables on kids.  "What are you going to do about it, then?"  And I listen.  Not to general complaining, but to how they're going to deal. 

 

My job is not to make kids happy.  My job is to give them lifelong tools: dealing with disappointment, building character and dignity, expressing anger...right now I have a wee'un who wants things to be "fair" even if she hasn't earned the privilege the others have.  Being youngest, this is going to help shape her - if I give in because she's smaller, I discount the privilege for those who have earned it and it's going to create entitlement, whining, and tears.  If I stand firm, it has a chance to help her grow and develop internal drive.

 

I would do the Love and Logic-"Oh what a bummer! What do you think you're going to do?" Try to help her focus on solving the problem instead of crying about it.

[KungFuPanda]

If you, as an adult, can't help feeling annoyed by the crying . . . SO annoyed that you remove the child from the room, it might be asking too much of the child to control the crying. Kids who cry easily can't help it. Their bodies just start crying. It's like sweating when you're nervous or getting a headache when you're stressed or startling when you're scared. It's a bodily function she may be able to learn to control when she's older, but not at six. Some kids are more sensitive. I'm not saying you have to be held hostage by it, but I'm jot sure it's appropriate to punish for it. This is not an obedience issue if she's doing what she's told while she's crying.

 

Perhaps you could learn to control your feelings of annoyance while your daughter learns to control her own emotions. It's HARD, but you might eventually find middle ground.

[HS Mom in NC]

I've got to say I think a child who is only expressing every emotional discomfort by crying needs to learn to express it in  variety of ways.  That most certainly is not refusing to let a child express their feelings.  Sorry, but we have to help them mature in socially appropriate ways and there's no society on the planet I'm aware of where someone crying every time they're emotionally uncomfortable is acceptable.

Also, I do believe that there are times when expressing emotion is not appropriate. Sometimes it has to be temporarily delayed.  You may have to suck it up, hold it in, get yourself out of the situation, then find another venue to express your emotions.  Anyone with in-laws or difficult relatives or a jerk boss or customers knows you cannot express every emotion you have every time you have it.  You have to learn when, where and how to express it.  Sadness and disappointment are not privileged emotions.  You cannot express them all out every time you feel them anymore than you can express anger all out every time you feel it.

 

A kid who doesn't intuitively express disappointment, irritation, anger and sadness in ways other than crying needs to be coached, as someone suggested upthread, with some practiced phrases and/or removing themselves from the situation to cool down, by writing it down a little later and tearing up the paper, by later smacking the pole on the swing set with a foam bat when no one is around them,  and other such things.  Coaching by going through examples of appropriate responses should happen at a calm time when the kid isn't emoting all over him/herself.  Brainstorming ideas and role playing will probably be necessary on a regular basis. 

And yes, there are kids who at times cry just to get back at someone who tells them something they don't want to hear.  Creating and enforcing some sort of immediate consequence is just as appropriate in that situation as it is for another kid doing something else to stick it to someone telling them something they don't want to hear. The kid who calls mom a nasty name, says "NO!", throws something, breaks something because mom told the kid,  "It's time to put away the book and start school now."  should get some sort of swift consequence just like the kid who cries about it every time.  

The suggestions upthread about turning it from "how I'm feeling about the situation" to "what I'm doing about the situation" are golden. 

[JennyD]

 

Oy, I was such a crier as a child.  It is still my first line of emotional response, actually, but I have gotten infinitely better at controlling/hiding it.  

 

It drove my parents crazy.  I just cried over everything, and i could.not.stop. I can still remember that feeling of my teeth sort of vibrating from crying so much.  My mother was matter-of-fact about the crying (and everything else) which I think was helpful.  My father was more in the "How can you be crying over this?!" vein, which was less helpful, although I now sympathize with his frustration.

 

Anyway, I actually remember my childhood as being very happy, and I eventually grew into a perfectly functional (if sometimes damp-eyed) adult.  So hang in there, mama!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 15, 2016 by JennyD

[Plagefille]

I have a child who is a crier and I just cannot handle it. She cries about EVERYTHING. Little things, big things, stupid things, every thing. (She is 6, btw.)

 

It's not that she is balking at us asking her to do things, or that she isn't getting her way. Just any displeasure is expressed in tears. We do not stand for whining and I usually send her to her room, but that results in her being in her room a lot. I can only imagine what she will think of when she looks back on her childhood -- a life spent in her room, alone, when all of her siblings are having fun downstairs. I'm sure she will be the child who despises us and her childhood and will need therapy to deal with it all.

 

I asked her to stop reading to start school, so she came downstairs to our school table and picked up another book. I asked her to put it down and she started crying.

 

Me: Why are you crying?!?"

Daughter: Because I want to read.

Me: Is that REALLY a reason to cry?

 

She enjoys school and does well, just at that moment, she wanted to read. Hence the tears.

 

Her brother talked to her while she was trying to sew. Hence tears.

 

Her sister got some play dough on her bike. Hence, tears.

 

We say she can only have water tonight at a restaurant. Hence, tears.

 

She can't sit next to so-and-so at dinner. Hence, tears.

 

Tears. Always. Help.

 

I feel she is having a horrible childhood, but we aren't going to give in just to make her happy.

I feel like you are describing my daughter. She just turned 7 and is exactly like this. So thankful for this. I have been thinking about starting a very similar thread. It is especially hard after have two two calm and easy children.

[Katy]

There's crying and then there's using crying or a woe-is-me victim attitude to manipulate a situation.

 

If it's just crying, crying is a valid expression of emotion, but there's a point where it isn't an effective method of communication. When we were kids, cryers would be made fun of (Cry-baby, etc).  While I don't advocate bullying as a way to change or curb behavior, teaching her that while the feelings are understandable, the implication that she can't handle anything and must have a breakdown every time the tiniest thing doesn't go her way is a sign that she's not so mature.  I might gently mention that. But then I'm the type to try and force perspective an awfully lot (ie: your life is much better than you think it is and it's not okay to be a control freak).

 

The manipulation or an eeyore-victimhood attitude would annoy me to no end though.  That's one of my biggest pet peeves.  I don't know, can you help her to focus on the things she is grateful for?

 

Can you find a cognitive therapist who takes kids?  They specialize in changing the way you think.

[Incognito]

I have one that is quite prone to tears.  Tears come with the feeling of powerlessness and futility.  

 

Telling someone not to cry is pretty ridiculous unless they have the fortitude to stop it.  We do a lot of emotional coaching about calming down and about how your brain freezes when you are upset so the first goal is to calm down.  Perhaps that would be helpful for your daughter.

 

Doing what I can to support the person through their sadness, instead of trying to have them stop their expression of sadness, has helped the most.  Proper eating and sleeping helps a lot too.

 

For instance, just recently a child of mine began to tear up at an extended family dinner because someone dished a vegetable onto their plate that they hate.  They didn't feel like they could tell that relative the mistake they had made, and they truly hate that vegetable with the passion of 10,000 burning suns (and will gag and almost vomit when trying to eat it).  Thankfully, now after years and years of coaching, my cry prone child came to me and DH with the plate and sputtered out the horror of the situation between stifled sniffles, and we were able to 1.remove the vegetable and 2.remind the child that they can always just leave anything they don't like to eat on their plate.  Then dinner continued just fine.  

 

Did some of our family think it was over the top - for sure.  I did too.  But I didn't make it an issue for my child or for others.  I didn't shame the feelings, and I didn't let it devolve into a scene.  

 

 

Edited March 15, 2016 by Incognito

[SparklyUnicorn]

A lot of, "It is ok to cry, but please at this time go and do it elsewhere," and biting your tongue (AKA ignoring it).

 

The first recommendation is for when you are going to flip out.  It's better than flipping out.  The second because really if you can stick to it, it will probably become less frequent.

 

 

 

 

[Valley Girl]

Kids bring their worst behavior to the person they trust the most. It's a sign of love.  :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

Good to know I'm loved so much!

 

For my complainer/whiner, often putting my arms around him or sitting with him and holding him on the couch is what's needed to break the cycle. The reassurance that he is loved and safe seems to help. I try to make that my first response when the negativity starts getting out of hand.

[fairfarmhand]

Cna you introduce a sort of scale of misery to her?

 

Like this wasy: "Your family loves you very much, and we care about your feelings. But it confuses us when even little things bring on the same reaction that a big thing brings."

 

We'd read the Boy Who Cried Wolf

 

Then we'd draw.

 

I'd draw several faces. One with a line mouth. One with a squiggly mouth. One with a sad face and one with a wailing crying face. I'd label the faces. Broken pencil, wanting to read at school time. A bumped arm. A scraped knee with lots of blood. On the other side of the paper, I'd draw a series of wailing faces with lines connecting them to the four different problems that she might have.

 

This will help her see that each problem doesn't/shouldn't get the same reaction because then people don't know how to help her. And it's annoying when someone reacts the same to a broken pencil as they do to a scraped leg.

 

Then we'd make some index cards with faces and words...frustrated. Disappointed. Angry. Sad. Irritated.  On the back of the index card, we'd write some specific instances of what might bring those feelings on. Put them on a ring where she can get to them.

 

This is the hardest part. She's already conditioned herself to cry whenever a negative feeling happens. So you need to direct her to her card set to help her express her feelings. She will need calm quiet redirection. It will probably be a long time before she can do this stuff without a few sniffles and tears. She may need to go to her room for a second with her cards to sort out exaclty how she's feeling. And when you see that she's actually TRYING to stop herself from crying brag on her. Right then and there.

 

This takes some time and maturity.

 

 

Having a crier is frustrating. I have one or two and (ahem) I may or may not have been one myself.