Public gift thank-yous on Facebook

[marbel]

I've always kind of winced when I saw someone post a thank you for a gift or something on their facebook page.  I just felt like that would be a great way to hurt feelings in some way. 

 

Well, now I know it is a great way to hurt feelings.  A little while ago I saw a post by a friend, thanking a mutual friend for the gift of a highly-desirable baked good the mutual friend makes this time of year.  For the past 3 years I was an enthusiastic recipient of said baked good, but not this year.   There was no card or other holiday wishes for me/my family at all.

 

Now I'm wondering if I did something to annoy my friend.  I can't ask, because she just left town for the holidays.  We see each other weekly if not more often.

 

I fought the urge to post a FB comment, something like "Lucky you!  Mrs. X makes great [thing]!  I miss it this year."   It was tough, but I refrained. 

 

At least now I know my instinct to keep thank-yous private was right!  :-)

[Catwoman]

I agree with you. I'm sure the gift recipient was just trying to be nice, but she should have sent a private email instead of posting a public thank you.

 

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. :(

[marbel]

Thanks Catwoman.  

 

It's just a small gift, but it's a weird thing to get it every year and then not... and see someone else getting it. KWIM?   Can't help but wonder what went wrong. 

[StephanieZ]

Awww, that's a bummer. 

[TranquilMind]

I've always kind of winced when I saw someone post a thank you for a gift or something on their facebook page.  I just felt like that would be a great way to hurt feelings in some way. 

 

Well, now I know it is a great way to hurt feelings.  A little while ago I saw a post by a friend, thanking a mutual friend for the gift of a highly-desirable baked good the mutual friend makes this time of year.  For the past 3 years I was an enthusiastic recipient of said baked good, but not this year.   There was no card or other holiday wishes for me/my family at all.

 

Now I'm wondering if I did something to annoy my friend.  I can't ask, because she just left town for the holidays.  We see each other weekly if not more often.

 

I fought the urge to post a FB comment, something like "Lucky you!  Mrs. X makes great [thing]!  I miss it this year."   It was tough, but I refrained. 

 

At least now I know my instinct to keep thank-yous private was right!  :-)

Not ok, for this exact reason. 

I'm sorry.  Dumped by a "friend" this year too, so I feel ya. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

I'm sorry that a couple of you have felt hurt.  I am oblivious enough that I just don't take things like that personally. I would probably tell my family, "Oh, she didn't make any for me this year!!" and then forget about it.

 

I can't recall posting something similar, but if I did, it would be with the thought that I want everyone to know how nice she is, or what a great cook she is.  It wouldn't be to flaunt that I got something someone else didn't.

 

FB can be a touchy thing.  I am very close to two women, and we are part of a larger group.  Our husbands are also friends. The six of us get together frequently and sometimes post pics, for example, from a restaurant, or sitting on the deck, or just a post, "Thanks (wife name) and (husband name) for a lovely evening tonight!"  Sometimes it occurs to me that certain others in the group might feel left out, but sheesh, I've known both of these women for 8 years, and our friendship is not through the group.  I'm not going to not post something on the off chance someone might be offended.  Otherwise, I'd never be able to post anything at all.

 

Just a different perspective.

[FriedClams]

Another reason I'm not on Facebook any longer. I'm sorry it hurt you. If you were near here I'd bake you something fabulous. We'd have coffee, and have fun, and laugh, and take selfies, and never post any of it on Facebook. :-) (Hugs)

[catz]

I totally agree with you.  Personal stuff like this should be communicated one-one.  I totally don't get it when people advertise this kind of thing on FB.  I even avoid posting stuff about my kid's birthday parties.  I'll post my birthday kid, but we can't invite every kid we know every year.  Last year I had an ugly incident with one of my son's friends.  He was one of only a 3 boys over for a birthday sleepover.  He didn't invite my son to his party of like 20 kids and we found out via FB.  Long story - mom is drama filled.  We are no longer friends with them at all actually and not because of that incident. 

 

In the case of stuff like this though, I often think it's innocent.  I make baked goods every year and who might get a helping are those people I happen to see near the time I bake.  Maybe neighbors if I have extras.  One neighbor brought us something and my DH didn't think to reciproate and I'm not going to overthink now that Xmas is over.  I wouldn't take that too personally, but I do agree this sort of posting does make me roll my eyes.

Edited December 27, 2015 by WoolySocks

[GinaPagnato]

I'm sorry that a couple of you have felt hurt.  I am oblivious enough that I just don't take things like that personally. I would probably tell my family, "Oh, she didn't make any for me this year!!" and then forget about it.

 

I can't recall posting something similar, but if I did, it would be with the thought that I want everyone to know how nice she is, or what a great cook she is.  It wouldn't be to flaunt that I got something someone else didn't.

 

FB can be a touchy thing.  I am very close to two women, and we are part of a larger group.  Our husbands are also friends. The six of us get together frequently and sometimes post pics, for example, from a restaurant, or sitting on the deck, or just a post, "Thanks (wife name) and (husband name) for a lovely evening tonight!"  Sometimes it occurs to me that certain others in the group might feel left out, but sheesh, I've known both of these women for 8 years, and our friendship is not through the group.  I'm not going to not post something on the off chance someone might be offended.  Otherwise, I'd never be able to post anything at all.

 

Just a different perspective.

 

I totally get what you're saying and where you're coming from. I don't think there's anything morally wrong with what you're doing AT ALL and I'm sure people's FB tolerances are different.

 

However, I don't understand why a person/couple/family can't just enjoy their time together without doing a "shout-out" for all of FB to see. I mean, why do it? What's gained by publicly announcing it? I mean this as a serious question. Does the get together not mean as much if you can't post a pic and tag people in it? I can't imagine that's the case, but...

 

A group of ladies from my church got together to surprise another woman for her birthday. They took her our to lunch and had a great time. This birthday woman posted FB pics and named each person in attendance. So it was more than obvious who was invited in the "gang" and who was excluded. I was not part of the group, but I wouldn't have thought I would be since I only know this woman peripherally. However, another woman who obviously thought she was part of this group, and who I'm certain the other ladies like well enough, was not included and was clearly hurt. She made some FB comment, can't remember what exactly, but it made me cringe. I felt HORRIBLE for this woman. Eventually the birthday woman took her post down, which was wise, imo. Of course, by then many people had seen it.

 

So my policy is that I don't do those shout outs. I thank people with private messages if I'm using FB. After all, if I wrote a thank you note, presumably it would only go to the person I'm thanking, right? I mean, I wouldn't send an email with a bunch of contacts listed, or take an ad out in the paper.

 

I post pics of my kids and family, or funny things that happened. If I post a pic of my friends and me doing something, I don't tag them or anything, because not every person on their friends list needs to know we went out to lunch, or had dinner, or whatever. It's just not my thing, I guess.

 

[Anne in CA]

This sort of thing used to bother me a lot. I NEVER post get togethers with friends because of this very reason. I hate feeling left out and I don't like to make others feel this way. I am sorry about your gift. I am getting a lot tougher in this area as I get older. It is funny how all of a sudden this doesn't bother me so much. I think I finally faced enough rejection not to care too much.

[Joker]

I totally get what you're saying and where you're coming from. I don't think there's anything morally wrong with what you're doing AT ALL and I'm sure people's FB tolerances are different.

 

However, I don't understand why a person/couple/family can't just enjoy their time together without doing a "shout-out" for all of FB to see. I mean, why do it? What's gained by publicly announcing it? I mean this as a serious question. Does the get together not mean as much if you can't post a pic and tag people in it? I can't imagine that's the case, but...

 

 

 

We post a lot of pics online when we're together. It's because we have a very large and scattered family. When some of us do manage to get together, usually during the holidays, it's much easier to post it for all one time on Facebook rather than message all of them. And all of them do ask to see pictures when they know some of us will be together. I also enjoy seeing the pictures and seeing what other family is able get together. I've honestly never thought people get upset by that stuff because it doesn't bother me.

[mom2samlibby]

I'm sorry that a couple of you have felt hurt.  I am oblivious enough that I just don't take things like that personally. I would probably tell my family, "Oh, she didn't make any for me this year!!" and then forget about it.

 

I can't recall posting something similar, but if I did, it would be with the thought that I want everyone to know how nice she is, or what a great cook she is.  It wouldn't be to flaunt that I got something someone else didn't.

 

FB can be a touchy thing.  I am very close to two women, and we are part of a larger group.  Our husbands are also friends. The six of us get together frequently and sometimes post pics, for example, from a restaurant, or sitting on the deck, or just a post, "Thanks (wife name) and (husband name) for a lovely evening tonight!"  Sometimes it occurs to me that certain others in the group might feel left out, but sheesh, I've known both of these women for 8 years, and our friendship is not through the group.  I'm not going to not post something on the off chance someone might be offended.  Otherwise, I'd never be able to post anything at all.

 

Just a different perspective.

 

I guess I don't understand why and how that is a different perspective.  Sounds to me like a, "hey, look at us, we are out having fun and you weren't invited."

 

I totally get what you're saying and where you're coming from. I don't think there's anything morally wrong with what you're doing AT ALL and I'm sure people's FB tolerances are different.

 

However, I don't understand why a person/couple/family can't just enjoy their time together without doing a "shout-out" for all of FB to see. I mean, why do it? What's gained by publicly announcing it? I mean this as a serious question. Does the get together not mean as much if you can't post a pic and tag people in it? I can't imagine that's the case, but...

 

A group of ladies from my church got together to surprise another woman for her birthday. They took her our to lunch and had a great time. This birthday woman posted FB pics and named each person in attendance. So it was more than obvious who was invited in the "gang" and who was excluded. I was not part of the group, but I wouldn't have thought I would be since I only know this woman peripherally. However, another woman who obviously thought she was part of this group, and who I'm certain the other ladies like well enough, was not included and was clearly hurt. She made some FB comment, can't remember what exactly, but it made me cringe. I felt HORRIBLE for this woman. Eventually the birthday woman took her post down, which was wise, imo. Of course, by then many people had seen it.

 

So my policy is that I don't do those shout outs. I thank people with private messages if I'm using FB. After all, if I wrote a thank you note, presumably it would only go to the person I'm thanking, right? I mean, I wouldn't send an email with a bunch of contacts listed, or take an ad out in the paper.

 

I post pics of my kids and family, or funny things that happened. If I post a pic of my friends and me doing something, I don't tag them or anything, because not every person on their friends list needs to know we went out to lunch, or had dinner, or whatever. It's just not my thing, I guess.

 

 

Yes, this.  I agree.  I was going to ask the same questions.

 

We post a lot of pics online when we're together. It's because we have a very large and scattered family. When some of us do manage to get together, usually during the holidays, it's much easier to post it for all one time on Facebook rather than message all of them. And all of them do ask to see pictures when they know some of us will be together. I also enjoy seeing the pictures and seeing what other family is able get together. I've honestly never thought people get upset by that stuff because it doesn't bother me.

 

Posting pictures of family and extended family makes sense to me.  

Edited December 28, 2015 by mom2samlibby

[8circles]

I don't care for much of what people post on fb and yes, those post can be strange.

 

But I don't know why you would take it personally, not getting the baked good this year. You can't have expected to receive it every year forever. It doesn't mean your friend thinks differently about you.

[marbel]

I don't care for much of what people post on fb and yes, those post can be strange.

 

But I don't know why you would take it personally, not getting the baked good this year. You can't have expected to receive it every year forever. It doesn't mean your friend thinks differently about you.

 

Yeah, I know.   Like I said, it was just kind of a weird thing.  But I'm glad never to have been the cause of someone else having that feeling.  Not everything needs to be public, ya know?

[zoobie]

FB can be darn depressing this time of year. That would sting for me too. Hopefully nothing is up with your friendship. :grouphug:

[ThisIsTheDay]

However, I don't understand why a person/couple/family can't just enjoy their time together without doing a "shout-out" for all of FB to see. I mean, why do it? What's gained by publicly announcing it? I mean this as a serious question. Does the get together not mean as much if you can't post a pic and tag people in it? I can't imagine that's the case, but...

 

 

Why on earth would it be less fun if I "can't post a pic and tag someone"?  It's Facebook.  It's social media.  That's what you do, post things.

 

I often post things I do on FB, whether it's going out with my husband, or walking my dog, homeschooling my kid, getting together with a group from church, making a new recipe, my kid coming home from college, visiting my mom, going shopping, or going out with friends. 

 

If I posted according to what I'm hearing you say, instead of posting those things, I would have to worry about offending someone single or going through a divorce, someone whose dog just died, someone who doesn't have kids, someone who doesn't have a church home, someone who can't cook, someone whose kid doesn't get to come home, someone who no longer has a mom, or someone who can't afford to go shopping. 

 

I guess I don't understand why and how that is a different perspective.  Sounds to me like a, "hey, look at us, we are out having fun and you weren't invited."

 

 

 

Everyone doesn't get invited to everything.

 

I'm sorry it sounds like that to you, but that's not what it is.  I find your comments very interesting. When I see my friends doing things without me, the *most* I would think is, wow, that looks like fun, maybe I should do that sometime--with them, or with someone else, depending on what the activity/event is.  It wouldn't make me feel bad about myself.

[QueenCat]

However, I don't understand why a person/couple/family can't just enjoy their time together without doing a "shout-out" for all of FB to see. I mean, why do it? What's gained by publicly announcing it? I mean this as a serious question. Does the get together not mean as much if you can't post a pic and tag people in it? I can't imagine that's the case, but...

 

 

 

We tend to post what seems like random shout outs about daily life because a few of our elderly family members have expressed that being able to comment on such things when they are so far away makes them feel like they are a part of what's happening. And they really love seeing pictures posted. They seem to really like the format that FB allows them to partake in. However, if I'm in a small group, I wouldn't post something that might make others feel left out.

[Guest]

I'm also of the thinking that some things are better not displayed on FB. No, it doesn't have to become a neurotic thing like, "Oh, I can't post that I'm happy my DD is home from college, because my friend's kid is stationed in Afghanistan and this is like rubbing it in." No. It's not every teensy thing. But I have done small get-togethers before and purposefully not posted pictures because there are friends who would normally be invited, but the fact is, I don't invite *every* person *every* time. I don't want the non-invitees to be taken aback, quietly wondering why they weren't invited. There isn't a *reason*.

 

I don't know why a person would think a public FB message is an ideal format for thanking someone for their baked good gift.

[Incognito]

Why on earth would it be less fun if I "can't post a pic and tag someone"?  It's Facebook.  It's social media.  That's what you do, post things.

 

I often post things I do on FB, whether it's going out with my husband, or walking my dog, homeschooling my kid, getting together with a group from church, making a new recipe, my kid coming home from college, visiting my mom, going shopping, or going out with friends. 

 

If I posted according to what I'm hearing you say, instead of posting those things, I would have to worry about offending someone single or going through a divorce, someone whose dog just died, someone who doesn't have kids, someone who doesn't have a church home, someone who can't cook, someone whose kid doesn't get to come home, someone who no longer has a mom, or someone who can't afford to go shopping. 

 

 

Everyone doesn't get invited to everything.

 

I'm sorry it sounds like that to you, but that's not what it is.  I find your comments very interesting. When I see my friends doing things without me, the *most* I would think is, wow, that looks like fun, maybe I should do that sometime--with them, or with someone else, depending on what the activity/event is.  It wouldn't make me feel bad about myself.

 

I hope you don't mind my asking, but I've always wondered WHY someone posts their daily life activities.  Are you living far away from friends/relatives who want to know this?  Is it a very public form of journalling? 

Edited December 28, 2015 by Incognito

[ThisIsTheDay]

I hope you don't mind my asking, but I've always wondered WHY someone posts their daily life activities.  Are you living far away from friends/relatives who want to know this?  Is it a very public form of journalling?  I have a hard time fathoming why someone would choose to make the minutia about their life so completely public.

 

It's not daily. I post personal things perhaps 2-3 times per week.  It's not public, it's posted to friends. Some live close, some live far.

 

Some of the things are post are "shares" from other websites. 

 

If I'm reading my friends' posts, I would much prefer their personal posts and pictures over something they "share" from someone else. 

 

If you're on FB, what do YOU do?  Sincerely curious!  (I think I'll post a new thread for this.)

[Seeking Squirrels]

I don't post things like that. It would feel awkward to me. I understand thanking someone and being appreciative, but why would everyone on my friends list need to see that I received xyz from so-n-so? Most of them probably don't even know the person. Nothing is gained from that. I also don't do the sentimental "shout outs" to my spouse on birthday or anniversary and I think I would be embarrassed if my spouse did. I think it's easy for some to overshare on fb because it's just a screen. They don't see it as saying these things directly to every single person they're friends with.

[SKL]

I agree that it was insensitive to post that.

 

However, you said the friend just left town - maybe she was overwhelmed and just couldn't finish all the baking she had in mind to do.  She did not know you were going to find out someone else got the baked good and you didn't.  Gosh, I failed at a whole list of things before I ran out of town on Christmas this year.  My house is full of gifts not distributed and cards not mailed.  It's not because I stopped caring about anyone.  So don't assume there is anything personal behind this phenomenon.  Sometimes I think we should all get a badge just for surviving Christmas.  :P

 

Personally I have only posted a thank-you once, to generally acknowledge gifts sent to my kids via an auntie.  It may not have been the most elegant thank-you, but it was more than I ever got from them.  :P

 

And things that have kind of hurt my feelings or made me wonder - posts about parties involving groups my kids are involved with.  That doesn't bother me any more though.  I now know those people well enough to know why they have their exclusive stuff going on.  It was probably silly of me to feel funny about it in the first place.

[mamajag]

I think if you're that sensitive FB is not a good place for you. I consider FB a place I communicate with people I consider friends or family. It's not supposed to be the place where someone compares notes on how much time you spend with your other friends or gets butthurt because you got another friend a gift. I like it when my friends have active, happy lives with lots of friends around them. I don't have to be their very bestest friend.

 

I consider getting upset over baked goods on FB something very petty and would be shocked to find out someone who called themselves my friend would feel entitled to that every year and hurt that it was someone else's turn that year. I'm under no illusions that my friends or my kids' friends don't do things without me/us. It's fine.

 

This kind of drama isn't something I suffer long.

[Catwoman]

I think if you're that sensitive FB is not a good place for you. I consider FB a place I communicate with people I consider friends or family. It's not supposed to be the place where someone compares notes on how much time you spend with your other friends or gets butthurt because you got another friend a gift. I like it when my friends have active, happy lives with lots of friends around them. I don't have to be their very bestest friend.

 

I consider getting upset over baked goods on FB something very petty and would be shocked to find out someone who called themselves my friend would feel entitled to that every year and hurt that it was someone else's turn that year. I'm under no illusions that my friends or my kids' friends don't do things without me/us. It's fine.

 

This kind of drama isn't something I suffer long.

Wow. Harsh. :(

[Frances]

Honestly both Facebook and selfies make me feel like I was born on a different planet or belong to a different species. My mom enjoys keeping up with our daily lives, so I call and text her frequently and send her pictures at least weekly. But the idea of sharing regular pictures and updates with family and friends on Facebook is completely out of my comfort zone. And the first time I saw a selfie stick, I simply couldn't comprehend anyone would actually use one. And having just returned from vacation in San Diego where they were encountered frequently, I just don't get it. No offense to anyone who uses Facebook or takes selfies, but both are almost unfathomable to me.

[mamajag]

Wow. Harsh. :(

So is assigning horrible motives to a thank you note on FB or tagged get together post without even talking to the person in question. There could be a hundred reasons why something didn't happen a certain way. Maybe a batch of the baked goods didn't turn out and the friend thought to share with the other friend because the first friend had it before. Maybe finances were tight and they couldn't invite every child they wanted to the birthday party but were too embarrassed to say so. Anything could have happened. If a person is someone I consider a friend, I ask before deciding that something nefarious is afoot and I expect to be given the same courtesy. If things are this way consistently, I don't stick around long. I'm allowed to have more than one friend and can do things with one group of friends without it being a bone of contention with others. Not all of my friends like each other. Why would I tolerate such manipulative behavior?

[Callie]

So is assigning horrible motives to a thank you note on FB or tagged get together post without even talking to the person in question. There could be a hundred reasons why something didn't happen a certain way. Maybe a batch of the baked goods didn't turn out and the friend thought to share with the other friend because the first friend had it before. Maybe finances were tight and they couldn't invite every child they wanted to the birthday party but were too embarrassed to say so. Anything could have happened. If a person is someone I consider a friend, I ask before deciding that something nefarious is afoot and I expect to be given the same courtesy. If things are this way consistently, I don't stick around long. I'm allowed to have more than one friend and can do things with one group of friends without it being a bone of contention with others. Not all of my friends like each other. Why would I tolerate such manipulative behavior?

Except Marbel  (nor anyone else)didn't say or imply anything of the sort.

 

If you have so many friends and so many great things going on in your life that you cannot have any empathy for others who FB is sometimes a hurtful place consider yourself lucky.

[Guest]

It's not daily. I post personal things perhaps 2-3 times per week. It's not public, it's posted to friends. Some live close, some live far.

 

Some of the things are post are "shares" from other websites.

 

If I'm reading my friends' posts, I would much prefer their personal posts and pictures over something they "share" from someone else.

 

If you're on FB, what do YOU do? Sincerely curious! (I think I'll post a new thread for this.)

I am on FB and am pretty active there. The main thing I do there is like and comment on friend's posts. I want to build people up and FB is a great opportunity to do so. For my own statuses, these are things I ususally post: photos I took that I especially enjoy, food I am making that is special, little slice-of-life moments such as a giant spider outside my window or a mountainous pile of laundry, i do birthday posts for my kids and husband, and I just started doing photo restoration, so a lot of old family photos are bound to be coming next year.

 

 

ETA: i see there is a new thread about this so I am x-posting this there.

Edited December 28, 2015 by Quill

[kewb]

Seeing posts and pics from parties, get togethers, night out with friends that I was not invited to does not usually bother me. Sometimes I will feel a twinge of "oh, that would have been nice to be part of." but it usually passes fairly quickly as I realize the post was not about me.

 

The ones I have difficulty with usually involve my kids. We were part of a homeschool group and as the kids became teens we did less together. Then I found out on Facebook that a bunch of them created a teen group and they regularly do things together. We were not invited into the secret group. That one stung since we were somewhat close with a few of them. I can fairly easily get over my hurt feelings but it is harder when it involves my kids. Recently, the teen group had an open bowling thing and I asked the kids if they wanted to go. Mostly because oldest will be going off to college next yeat and I thought dd would like to get more involved with the homeschooling community. They both said no. Ds just not interested and Dd said the last time we did something with them (which was a couple of years ago) she felt out of place because they all knew each other and she didn't feel very included. Then she said she was happy with her social circle and didn't feel like expanding it at the moment. And it would be kind of awkward because we haven't hung out with the friends who are part of the group in over a year.

[marbel]

So is assigning horrible motives to a thank you note on FB or tagged get together post without even talking to the person in question. There could be a hundred reasons why something didn't happen a certain way. Maybe a batch of the baked goods didn't turn out and the friend thought to share with the other friend because the first friend had it before. Maybe finances were tight and they couldn't invite every child they wanted to the birthday party but were too embarrassed to say so. Anything could have happened. If a person is someone I consider a friend, I ask before deciding that something nefarious is afoot and I expect to be given the same courtesy. If things are this way consistently, I don't stick around long. I'm allowed to have more than one friend and can do things with one group of friends without it being a bone of contention with others. Not all of my friends like each other. Why would I tolerate such manipulative behavior?

 

I wasn't assigning horrible motives to anyone.  I don't know how you inferred that.  I was commenting that it was a little hurtful to see this.  I didn't make the post a jawm because I think it's reasonable for people to disagree that posting thank you notes publicly is odd and potentially hurtful.

 

If anything, I think the person posting the thank you note on fb is the one who is wrong, not the friend who did not give me a gift this year.

 

And how the heck am I manipulating anyone?   Whoa.

 

 

[marbel]

Seeing posts and pics from parties, get togethers, night out with friends that I was not invited to does not usually bother me. Sometimes I will feel a twinge of "oh, that would have been nice to be part of." but it usually passes fairly quickly as I realize the post was not about me.

 

<snip>

 

Yes, this is about how I felt.  A twinge of "hmm, what's up."  

 

I still think that posting a thank you for a gift is a weird thing to post on facebook.   I get that others disagree.  :-)

 

[StephanieZ]

A thought . . . This is one reason why I don't do "groups". I have plenty of friends. Some are on Facebook, some are not (at all) on Facebook. Sometimes I post a picture with a friend (or a few friends) on Facebook, generally ones with other people who use Facebook. It's fun. They get to see the cute pics. However, since I don't "do" groups in general, I can't imagine anyone being hurt by the pics I post. If I post a pic of a dear old friend (& family) from high school who now lives across the country . . . no one could be hurt. Our old high school friends likewise are scattered (as she and I are) and no one is in "a group" with the two of us any more. If I post a pic from a hike or trail run with girl friend(s), no one has been left out because in general, I'm *always* trying to lure *anyone* out to join us via Facebook posts/invites/etc, lol. Etc, etc. I just don't do church/homeschool/whatever groups. I have friends. We do stuff. Some friends know each other, most don't. 

 

So, to me, these issues can sometimes be avoided by simply avoiding artificial "groups" and instead having genuine one-on-one relationships instead. 

[mamajag]

Except Marbel (nor anyone else)didn't say or imply anything of the sort.

 

If you have so many friends and so many great things going on in your life that you cannot have any empathy for others who FB is sometimes a hurtful place consider yourself lucky.

Let's see. OP doesn't get baked goods and wonders if they've annoyed their friend because someone else did. Obviously something's wrong or they'd have had the super awesome baked goods they're entitled to. Other people have issues with finding out they weren't part of a gathering and think people shouldn't tag each other on a social media outlet where the entire point is to share these things. Another is worried about someone not getting invited to a birthday party.

 

Is FB a hurtful place sometimes, yeah. Is not getting baked goods or finding out your friends have *gasp* other friends they hang out with without you on occasions supposed to be one of those? No. This isn't normal or okay. This is why women can't have large groups of friends, and it's a problem. This is something women need to let go of. Empathy isn't the right response for this. It's not something we need to pat on the head and encourage. It's so frustrating. I don't have any of these issues with my male friends. It's refreshing.

[kewb]

I think momentary feelings of hurt are normal. It is no different then talking with a friend and finding out you weren't included. I was taught that you don't talk about an event with a person who is not included because it is rude and hurtful.

A bit difficult when you share a pic with 100 of your closest friends on Facebook. Which is not to say you shouldn't post. That is the point of social media.

It is now on the individual who was not included or the recipient of an awesome gift to battle their inner demons and insecurities and to never assign malice when stupidity will suffice.

[Catwoman]

So is assigning horrible motives to a thank you note on FB or tagged get together post without even talking to the person in question. There could be a hundred reasons why something didn't happen a certain way. Maybe a batch of the baked goods didn't turn out and the friend thought to share with the other friend because the first friend had it before. Maybe finances were tight and they couldn't invite every child they wanted to the birthday party but were too embarrassed to say so. Anything could have happened. If a person is someone I consider a friend, I ask before deciding that something nefarious is afoot and I expect to be given the same courtesy. If things are this way consistently, I don't stick around long. I'm allowed to have more than one friend and can do things with one group of friends without it being a bone of contention with others. Not all of my friends like each other. Why would I tolerate such manipulative behavior?

Let's see. OP doesn't get baked goods and wonders if they've annoyed their friend because someone else did. Obviously something's wrong or they'd have had the super awesome baked goods they're entitled to. Other people have issues with finding out they weren't part of a gathering and think people shouldn't tag each other on a social media outlet where the entire point is to share these things. Another is worried about someone not getting invited to a birthday party.

Is FB a hurtful place sometimes, yeah. Is not getting baked goods or finding out your friends have *gasp* other friends they hang out with without you on occasions supposed to be one of those? No. This isn't normal or okay. This is why women can't have large groups of friends, and it's a problem. This is something women need to let go of. Empathy isn't the right response for this. It's not something we need to pat on the head and encourage. It's so frustrating. I don't have any of these issues with my male friends. It's refreshing.

Mamajag, I usually really enjoy your posts and you always seem very nice, but I completely disagree with your interpretation of many of the posts in this thread, as well as your sweeping judgments of "women" in general. No one said they felt "entitled" to anything. No one "assigned horrible motives" to anyone else or exhibited any kind of "manipulative behavior." I feel like you're reading a different thread than I'm reading.

 

Your posts are so aggressive, judgmental, and cold, and I really don't understand why you would be so mean instead of trying to understand that sometimes people's feelings get a little hurt by things that are posted on social media. No one has said that this is some sort of crisis in their lives, or that their friends aren't allowed to have other friends, so I'm not sure why you are jumping to such extreme conclusions.

 

 

 

(Edited for typos -- sorry! )

Edited December 28, 2015 by Catwoman

[HeWillSoar]

I can understand your hurt. It's not about "baked goods."

[Seasider]

I can understand your hurt. It's not about "baked goods."

I agree.

 

I tend to ignore Instagram in the summer for similar reasons. Exotic vacations and boating parties exacerbate my budget woes.

[Bootsie]

I grew up being taught that it was ill mannered to discuss a party with some friends in front of others who were not invited.  I also was taught that it was impolite to display pictures in your home of a party; I can remember my mom stressing that it was OK to have a photo of a bride or of a wedding party displayed at home but it was in poor taste to display a picture at the wedding reception, because it was a party and not everyone who came into your home was invited to the party.  

 

My same mother now thinks it is perfectly fine to post these pictures and comments on Facebook.  

[marbel]

Let's see. OP doesn't get baked goods and wonders if they've annoyed their friend because someone else did. Obviously something's wrong or they'd have had the super awesome baked goods they're entitled to. Other people have issues with finding out they weren't part of a gathering and think people shouldn't tag each other on a social media outlet where the entire point is to share these things. Another is worried about someone not getting invited to a birthday party.

 

<snip>

 

Oh for crying out loud.  Entitled to?  Come on.  I was expressing a moment of hurt feelings, and went on to say that because of my social media habits, I've not contributed to similar hurt feelings in anyone else.

 

Of course I did not say that my friends cannot have other friends, or can't strew their baked goods anywhere they want.  I'm not going to call my friend out on it when she gets back to town, nor will I shun the woman who put up the offending post. 

 

 

<snip>

I'm not sure why you are jumping to such extreme conclusions.

 

No kidding.

 

I had no idea anyone would take my post that way.  

 

But it is funny, how people will run with something like that an infer all sorts of things that were not in the original post or in the OP's mind.  I have probably been guilty of that myself.

 

ETA: I'm also surprised that people don't understand a moment of confusion and hurt when a tradition between friends is suddenly changed without warning and for no apparent reason.  Not years of hurt requiring therapy, but a moment of "huh, did something happen here?"   Is that really hard to fathom? 

Edited December 28, 2015 by marbel

[Seasider]

marbel, I get it. Public thank yous are just bad manners under the circumstances you describe. I would go so far as to guess that the person being thanked cringed when she saw it. I would have.

[PeacefulChaos]

OP, makes sense to me.

 

If you had never gotten said baked goods, wouldn't mean anything.  If you had occasionally gotten said baked goods, wouldn't mean anything.

But you've always gotten them, at least the way I read what you say, and so yes, what you're saying makes total sense.

 

The public thank you is a little weird no matter what the situation.  I've never seen 'shout outs' on FB unless they're literally something someone did for someone - 'shoutout to so and so for helping me fix my car today!' or some such.  Not a gift thing.  I don't see that sort of thing as being offensive to someone else on that person's friend list who knows how to fix cars.  Etc.  

 

 

 

All that said, in regards to other things mentioned on the thread (not by the OP, I don't think), not all of those are something that matter to me.  In the past, my kids have gotten a trampoline for Christmas from my grandparents.  I didn't 'announce' it on FB, but in with the pictures of the kids opening gifts, yes, there was a picture of them seeing the trampoline, so it isn't like I hid the fact that they got it from them.  I don't think that's a problem.  

 

I post pictures of my kids' birthday parties.  If there was a child that my kids specifically didn't want to invite that they had in the past, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't still, because there are so many factors to it.  For example, this year we had opposites on birthdays - Link had a huge party and invited a ton of people.  They all came.  We had like 50-100 people there including parents and siblings.  Pink didn't have a party because her best friend moved and that was pretty much the only person she cared to invite.  Astro had one and invited 3 people, 2 weren't able to come.  

Pictures of field trips, yep.  

 

I also post pictures sometimes with friends.  Best friend and I getting rained out at a 5k.  Best friend with her amazing sundae.  The group of girls and I at the homeschool convention.

 

But if those pictures offend people, that is really not my problem.  Everyone has people they are close to.  I can't imagine not understanding that. 

[purplejackmama]

I am on FB and am pretty active there. The main thing I do there is like and comment on friend's posts. I want to build people up and FB is a great opportunity to do so. For my own statuses, these are things I ususally post: photos I took that I especially enjoy, food I am making that is special, little slice-of-life moments such as a giant spider outside my window or a mountainous pile of laundry, i do birthday posts for my kids and husband, and I just started doing photo restoration, so a lot of old family photos are bound to be coming next year.

 

 

ETA: i see there is a new thread about this so I am x-posting this there.

Let's be Facebook friends! :)

[daijobu]

I gave up FB about a year ago, at first for productivity reasons (more time to read books!), but I also discovered that it was not good for my mood.  Sadly, a homeschooling group I must belong to does their messaging on FB, so I quickly check the updates (not easy...why can't everyone use an email group?) and close the tab when I'm done.  Apart from that I haven't looked back, though I do feel a little cut off, I'm happier.