Would You Ask a 17 y/o for Facebook Password?

[Tanaqui]

It's not private because people like you are breaking the rules. I don't want non-authorized people reading what my kid posts. You are a non-authorized person, just like anybody else whom she doesn't list as a friend. Your child's safety matters, but mine doesn't? I should change what I allow my kid to do to accommodate you?

 

If you don't trust your child on social media, don't allow them to register with Facebook. Don't violate my child's rights and mine and pretend that's okay.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Tanaqui

[Tanaqui]

I think op was saying that she did not think it was appropriate for FB to prohibit parents to have passwords of minor children.

 

And I don't think it's appropriate for parents to have access to my child's locked posts simply because their child has access to them. I think that's a huge violation of my child's rights, and to my rights to parent my child as I see fit.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Tanaqui

[Tsuga]

Tough call. No, probably not at 17 unless I were concerned for the kid's health or I thought they were using it for illegal activity (arranging drug sales). Hopefully there would be conversations before that and it wouldn't come to spying on all their electronic accounts.

 

But no, and I'm not opposed to monitoring up to a certain age. I guess at around 12 I let it go more. Right now I have my 9yo's apple ID on my phone as well. I get a mirror of all messages. The parents of the kids chatting know this, of course, and themselves monitor this elementary-school aged activity.

 

I think the demand that nobody but friends read Facebook posts of a particular individual is extremely unrealistic and naive. Those are privacy preferences, not security measures. It's all on the Internet. One teen loses their phone, shows it to their parents, a brother borrows it, whatever... it's completely insecure as a method of communication. No less secure than a diary in real life (unless it's in a safe) or love letters but still not secure.

 

I've told my daughter that she can expect that if she writes a note to her friends, that they could show it to their parents. Once my DSD was in a chat with a kid--a kid I really dislike and whom she no longer hangs around--and told off her mom. While chatting on the phone. That she could "chat when she wanted". She was 13 at the time. Well, mom said hand over the phone young lady if you're going to speak to me in that tone of voice. Went to turn it off, but the screen saver hadn't kicked in (even DSD says that her mom didn't push any buttons) and guess what another kid had said about DSD's mom. Too rude to post here. Her mom was rightfully livid. But she had only intended to take away the electronics, not even to spy. Stuff happens.

 

I think it's highly unrealistic to expect the entire world to share your views on privacy.

 

If I am concerned about drugs in particular, and your kid is friends with my kid, and I need this to get my kid treatment, guess what: your kids' privacy goes down the drain.

 

I thought everyone using Facebook realized this possibility. At the very least, it can all be subpoenaed.

[ThisIsTheDay]

It's not private because people like you are breaking the rules. I don't want non-authorized people reading what my kid posts. You are a non-authorized person, just like anybody else whom she doesn't list as a friend. Your child's safety matters, but mine doesn't? I should change what I allow my kid to do to accommodate you?

 

If you don't trust your child on social media, don't allow them to register with Facebook. Don't violate my child's rights and mine and pretend that's okay.

 

Your kid's safety DOES matter--and that is why they should not be posting anything assuming it would be kept private. There are WAY too many variables.  You can't trust FB with your privacy.

 

And I don't think it's appropriate for parents to have access to my child's locked posts simply because their child has access to them. I think that's a huge violation of my child's rights, and to my rights to parent my child as I see fit.

 

I'm not sure what privacy rights anyone really has on FB, but it certainly does not include that only certain people will see posts, locked or not.

 

That's the whole deal about privacy on the internet.  There isn't such a thing.

[barnwife]

It does. Read the ToS - it makes no exceptions due to age.

But can that apply to those who don't have FB? So would it apply to parents who don't have FB, but have children who do?

 

Our oldest is 5, so while I lean on the "17 is almost an adult so this is a good time to let go of some monitoring," I reserve the right to change my mind in 12 years.

[gardenmom5]

It's not private because people like you are breaking the rules. I don't want non-authorized people reading what my kid posts. You are a non-authorized person, just like anybody else whom she doesn't list as a friend. Your child's safety matters, but mine doesn't? I should change what I allow my kid to do to accommodate you?

 

If you don't trust your child on social media, don't allow them to register with Facebook. Don't violate my child's rights and mine and pretend that's okay.

 

anyone who has access to what your dc posts online, even on a "locked" forum, can repost it anywhere at any time for all of their contacts to see.  then of those people, any of them can repost it.  if you don't want the world to potentially know what your child posts online - don't let them post anything online.

Edited December 6, 2015 by gardenmom5

[Tap]

I monitored my kids tech until they were 15 or so, then maybe one check in at 16yo, and I don't think I have done so since that age for either one of them.

 

Unless I saw a problem in their real life, I wouldn't monitor any tech at 17yo....and for comparison, I have a public schooled 17yo daughter, so this is very current for me.  I am pretty surprised that any teenager is using Facebook much anymore.  Most teens in our lives use Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat and some texting.  Even my 21 year old, youth pastor son, doesn't really use Facebook anymore.

[AngieW in Texas]

At 17yo, I would let go of monitoring unless there was already a problem that I knew about. In just one more year, your child is going to be a legal adult.

 

I had a lot more rules about computer usage for my oldest dd than for any of my other kids because my oldest dd was the only one I was worried about getting into problems online. Even with her, I loosened up at 17yo because I wanted her to start experiencing more freedom while she was still at home rather than having everything become totally free at once when she went to college.

 

My other kids got all restrictions and limits and monitoring lifted much earlier because they didn't need that level of monitoring.

[Scarlett]

I would ask for the password. It will help a good girl stay on her toes.

 

While it is true if she wants to sneak around and break the rules she will find a way, I think there is a lot to to be said for the safety of knowing your mom is looking out for you. Being almost legal adult means little to me.....she still needs you.

[Hikin' Mama]

If she wanted to use FB without your knowledge/permission, she could simply open a FB account under a (slighly) different name and also block you from seeing her account. Plus, she could easily download an app to hide any app of her choosing (such as FB) under an innocent looking icon that looks, for example, like a calculator.

 

If she wants to give you the pw for accountability, fine. But there's no way I would spend any of my time monitoring the FB account of my 17yo. One does not turn 18 (or graduate, or go to college) and become magically accountable on one's own.

 

Seventeen is a great age to have freedom and potentially experience anything that you (parent) are already there to help navigate. It's much better now, while she's still in your home.

 

Just my $.02.

I agree and this is what I have done. My kids are 23, 20, and 18.

[Hikin' Mama]

Your kid's safety DOES matter--and that is why they should not be posting anything assuming it would be kept private. There are WAY too many variables. You can't trust FB with your privacy.

 

 

I'm not sure what privacy rights anyone really has on FB, but it certainly does not include that only certain people will see posts, locked or not.

 

That's the whole deal about privacy on the internet. There isn't such a thing.

Exactly this! Do not put anything on the internet, whether in a password protected account or not, that you wouldn't want anyone else to see. It's not a good idea to expect others on the internet to protect your privacy. That is why I have private conversations in person, not via FB chat, not via email.

[goldberry]

And I don't think it's appropriate for parents to have access to my child's locked posts simply because their child has access to them. I think that's a huge violation of my child's rights, and to my rights to parent my child as I see fit.

 

My child is a MINOR.  While she is a MINOR, then whatever she posts, reads, or does is under my responsibility.  That makes it my right.  Your rights end where my rights begin.  I would never assume that another minor friend of my child would keep information secret from her parents.  The parents have a right to know about whatever interactions their child is having. 

 

As a parent, I still recognize my child's need for privacy, and don't exercise my right to know unless I feel it is necessary to protect her.  But if your child chooses to communicate with my child, then yes, I have a right to know what is being said *if I need and choose to do so*. That information now comes under my umbrella as responsible party of a minor child.

 

If you choose to teach your child that those posts are so private that no one will ever read them, then that is your issue, not mine.  I agree with other posters that is an extremely naive and unrealistic position.

Edited December 6, 2015 by goldberry

[goldberry]

I'd be surprised if any of dd's friends' parents were monitoring their FB conversations. It wouldn't necessarily bother me, but I would find it surprising. 

 

Well, I won't be any way.  About a year or so ago, I stopped monitoring email and text except randomly, maybe once a month.  Nothing has ever been amiss. 

 

But as long as she's a minor, do I still have that right?  Heck yeah.  Will I ever exercise that right if I think there is a danger there?  Double-heck yeah.

 

And actually with most of DD's friends, I would not be surprised at all if parents were monitoring.  Especially at younger ages.

[Desert Strawberry]

Yes, she does know and has never expressed a problem with it.

 

This is really between you and your dd. If she is fine with it, then by all means, ask away. 

 

Personally, I don't think I would. At 15, yes. At 17, I'm thinking no. 

[TranquilMind]

First, if you are opposed to monitoring your kid's phone or computer activities on principle, please don't respond.  I'm looking for opinions from like-minded parents who have monitored as a "matter-of-course".

 

DD has always had parental controls on her computer.  She got her phone a little over a year ago, and she knew we would monitor the phone, including looking at any time we wanted - calls, text messages, etc.  We also had a monitoring software on the phone. 

 

Recently, she had to reset the phone because it locked up, and the monitoring software got deleted.  She had never been on facebook, before, but she finally decided she wanted to have an account there because quite a few friends do now.  She is very aware of internet safety, etc. 

 

So, now she mostly "chats" on facebook messaging, not her usual texting or email.  The monitoring app we had on her phone previously only monitored texts.  So before reinstalling it, I checked to see if it would monitor facebook chats.  It doesn't, and apparently on Android phones no apps will monitor both sides of a facebook chat, or other "in-app" chats.

 

We have not had problems with this area, but I do think that the knowledge that we were monitoring helped prevent those problems, KWIM?  But I'm wondering if it is time to let that part of the monitoring go.  She still knows we can check her phone or computer whenever we want.  But without her facebook password, there is no way we could monitor facebook chats.  Also, she is interested in boys more now, and I'm wondering if the timing is good.

 

Please no slams for how horrible I am to invade on her space.  We have always monitored and even she has said she likes the accountability. 

Absolutely.  It is always wise for someone else to have your password (Trusted person). 

 

She is living in your home and using your internet.  You need the password.    You are right, there are all kinds of apps that permit unmonitoring texts.  I'm sure that's fine for most kids, but they need to know that someone is watching because someone (Big Brother) is indeed watching.  I'd far rather it be me that catches something potentially dangerous.  So many kids write messages that identify their whereabouts or say inappropriate things that they think will be construed as jokes.  Not always.  You have to be super careful about your language and never reveal personal data.    Parents need to monitor this as long as necessary. 

[TranquilMind]

My child is a MINOR.  While she is a MINOR, then whatever she posts, reads, or does is under my responsibility.  That makes it my right.  Your rights end where my rights begin.  I would never assume that another minor friend of my child would keep information secret from her parents.  The parents have a right to know about whatever interactions their child is having. 

 

As a parent, I still recognize my child's need for privacy, and don't exercise my right to know unless I feel it is necessary to protect her.  But if your child chooses to communicate with my child, then yes, I have a right to know what is being said *if I need and choose to do so*. That information now comes under my umbrella as responsible party of a minor child.

 

If you choose to teach your child that those posts are so private that no one will ever read them, then that is your issue, not mine.  I agree with other posters that is an extremely naive and unrealistic position.

Absolutely. 

 

Assume every word you are writing is displayed to all college admissions officers and law enforcement and God knows who else. 

[TranquilMind]

Exactly this! Do not put anything on the internet, whether in a password protected account or not, that you wouldn't want anyone else to see. It's not a good idea to expect others on the internet to protect your privacy. That is why I have private conversations in person, not via FB chat, not via email.

Long before texting, my mom always said not to say or write anything that I wouldn't shout from the top of a building in the main square downtown or say on the 6:00 o'clock news. 

 

Still good advice. 

[Excelsior! Academy]

I would ask, but wouldn't use the password unless concerned.  I am not clueless and know passwords can change, etc.  If something was a concern and you couldn't access the account and the teen wouldn't give you the new password then you could remove devices or at least hide the charging cords for a bit.

[Peaceful Isle]

I would say no, if your daughter is trustworthy. :) my dd is only 13 so I still keep a strict eye on what she does, parental controls and all that. She has her own phone, tablet, and now getting her own computer for Christmas. I believe in giving kids lots of freedom, under lots of protection, if that makes sense.

[goldberry]

DH and I agreed we will ask her for the password with the intent of it being put away unless a safety or emergency situation comes up.  We thought we would also let her know we have been proud of the way she has handled things and that she is deserving of more freedom as long as she continues to use good judgment. Thanks for the advice!

[KungFuPanda]

A few months from adulthood, I wouldn't even ask. Maybe if she was a young teen who was new to the Internet, but at 17, when it's time to let go a bit anyway, I wouldn't bother.

[sassenach]

We are a monitoring family, but I would not/did not at 17.

[Alessandra]

Absolutely. It is always wise for someone else to have your password (Trusted person).

 

She is living in your home and using your internet. You need the password. You are right, there are all kinds of apps that permit unmonitoring texts. I'm sure that's fine for most kids, but they need to know that someone is watching because someone (Big Brother) is indeed watching. I'd far rather it be me that catches something potentially dangerous. So many kids write messages that identify their whereabouts or say inappropriate things that they think will be construed as jokes. Not always. You have to be super careful about your language and never reveal personal data. Parents need to monitor this as long as necessary.

Exactly.

I also explain to my kids that, in some cases, photographs contain embedded data that can let someone know where it was taken.

[nd293]

Well, I'm an adult, and I'm telling you - I don't want perfect strangers reading my kid's pms and locked posts. Do you want strangers reading what your kids write?

I really don't have a problem with that. I'm fine with a certain loss of privacy for safety. And the Internet is not the place to share intensely personal information, even in pms. I'd hope my 15 year old knows that.

[Joanne]

No, I would not.

 

But my kids knew from early on that behavior that indicates they are at risk = increased accountability and searching for info on my part. Unless behavior supported increased parenting, I coached, taught, educated, and assumed they were ok unless there were indicatations otherwise.

[bettyandbob]

17, attending college.

 

I would not monitor.

[Murphy101]

Everyone in my house knows each other's passwords to most things. For that matter, many things that require a passcode are not individual accounts, but family accounts listed under one of us.

 

Our Amazon account is listed under my husband, but I use it and so does our two grown sons and three teens.

Our Hulu account is listed under a son but we all use it.

My email is actually the same email my teens and grown kids sometimes use and dh uses it sometimes too. No forwarded emails necessary.

 

I know passwords to emails, FB, bank accounts, some message boards and more for my husband and all minors. My husband knows mine and we both know much of that for our grown sons. And teens and grown sons know a lot of that about me and dh too.

 

It's the Internet. Any illusion of privacy is just that, an illusion.

 

ETA: Passwords are a requirement of Internet access for minors here, but really it's no big deal. There's no argument or trust issue going on. I don't think I've used it to check up on them. Maybe they are checking up on me! Oh no! Mom downloaded another knit pattern! Lol. What's more likely to happen is I pick up the iPad or get on the computer and it's still logged into accounts and I have to sign them out so I can sign into mine. :/ It's annoying bc I've ranted about that being a bad habit since forever now.

Edited December 7, 2015 by Murphy101

[Dmmetler]

At 17, I think I'd do the sealed envelope, just in case approach (an example of a just in case-when my MIL died, she was active on several web forums for parents of special needs kids, where she'd been for years. If we hadn't had her passwords cached on her computer, we would have had no way to let those other people know what had happened. Since then, DH and I both keep a file updated, and ask DD to do so as well). Usually we're just all logged in anyway and have shared accounts for a lot of things (although Amazon gets tricky around the holidays...).

 

My DD is 11, and has iMessaged using my Apple ID for a couple of years on her iPod. Mostly it's silly photos and emojis. Half the time, I'm the one telling her "Rachel texted you-she wants you to FaceTime her and is on now." because it pops up on my phone.

[Murphy101]

Huh. I never really thought about if I die my husband or kids would care about letting people on my message boards know. I mean, anyone here or elsewhere would care that much, wouldn't they have made an effort to get to know me off the board and already know? And if they didn't, why would my remaining family feel any obligation to notify them?

 

I think my husband will be more concerned about not having my password to the wifi router than well trained mind.

 

Idk... I think social media provides both a false sense of security/privacy and a false sense of "staying connected".

 

I've unfriended people recently on FB, about 10?, who I felt didn't really care about staying in touch. We might have been friends or even family for years on FB, but you know what? If I died tomorrow it'd take them months to notice. And frankly, if it takes someone months to notice and ask what's happened to me - how much could they have possibly been genuinely interested in my life.

[Katy]

They may have changed something, but I think messages are stored on the account, not the chat function of the phone app.  If you have the password to her account, you can sign in on a computer, click on the messages, and see even the old ones unless she specifically deleted a conversation.  I have conversations in my facebook messaging that are several years old, even though I've changed computers and phones several times.

 

I'm not sure I would demand the password from a 17 year old who is otherwise responsible and honest.  I would think that would simply encourage her to start a secret account if she did want to keep something secret from you.  Asking her to write the information (and other passwords) down on a paper you keep in the safe does sound reasonable.  We do that here.  I've only ever once felt the need to go get a password, and that was because DS was away when DS's friend went missing.  I was called by the friend's mom & asked if DS knew anything.  I knew he couldn't know anything while on a camping trip, but I did sign into his account and check messages and posts to make sure there was nothing there. It turned out fine, just a combination of a dead cell phone and car trouble, but we were all glad I could check, including DS.

[TranquilMind]

I really don't have a problem with that. I'm fine with a certain loss of privacy for safety. And the Internet is not the place to share intensely personal information, even in pms. I'd hope my 15 year old knows that.

Right.  It would not bother me because they already know everything they do on the internet is public and to conduct themselves accordingly. 

[sassenach]

I'll also add that passwords are a very casual thing for us. I basically know my dh and dd's go-to passwords, but I don't always remember the variations. For example, dd was having phone problems that required iCloud and phone passwords (and something else I can't remember). Anyhow, we didn't remember them all, but she was able to give us the ones that we needed. No biggie.

 

Same goes for dh and I. We don't remember all of each other's passwords, but there is also nothing to hide. If I need to get into one of his accounts, I just ask.

[Sdel]

Then asking her for the password wouldn't help anyway, she could just change it. From my research, there are no apps that will track in-app chats on an Android phone.

There are several programs that will do what you are asking for and more. They will monitor snapchat, texts, pics, web traffic, all the popular messaging apps and will do it completely invisibly to the user. They are marketed as spyware programs and they do indeed work on all phone operating systems. You just wont find them on the app stores. You have to purchase them and download them to the phone from the web.

 

Many will believe it is over kill, but we've used one successfully in the past to for a behaviorally disturbed teen with an adult accomplice.

 

Stefanie

[goldberry]

There are several programs that will do what you are asking for and more. They will monitor snapchat, texts, pics, web traffic, all the popular messaging apps and will do it completely invisibly to the user. They are marketed as spyware programs and they do indeed work on all phone operating systems. You just wont find them on the app stores. You have to purchase them and download them to the phone from the web.

 

Many will believe it is over kill, but we've used one successfully in the past to for a behaviorally disturbed teen with an adult accomplice.

 

Stefanie

 

More than one company reported the same problem with Android phones and this type of messaging. It is private messaging within Facebook.  There are some that are keyloggers, those would record her side of the conversation, but not the other side. Some do random screenshots, those would catch some of it, but only if the screenshot happened at the right time.  If it had been one place that said it, I would think it was just that company, but as I said, I checked out three different places.  Apparently it has something to do with Android.  

[Kat w]

I wouldn't ask for it to monitor at 17. I would want all information written down in a sealed envelope in case there was ever a problem or I became concerned enough to want to check what's going on. If I'm given no reason to be concerned, I don't feel like I need to monitor at that age.

At 17 we made this agreement with the kids too.

 

It's an age that teeters on adulthood.

I think k they should have some privacy at that age.