Dh wants to send dc back to ps!

[JudyJudyJudy]

Obviously, none of us (I don't think) are doctors here and I don't think the intentions here were to call and get a rx over the phone. I was simply saying to be agressive over the phone to get into these doctors that aren't taking patients anymore so that he/she may then diagnose and go from there.

 

I have what is considered a "pre-existing condition" which has made it near impossible for us to get health insurance. DH switched jobs and had to choose one with adequate insurance, just so we (I) could be covered. Is it a pain? Yes. However, my condition needed to be addressed. I am very thankful that I didn't try and conceal it just so it wouldn't effect my future. Myself and my family are much better because of it.

 

Sue, we are all very concerned for you and all of the conversation may have turned into more harm than good. Hopefully, someone's advice has given you an idea, some encouragement, or some hope. :grouphug:

I do agree that she needs to get in with a good doctor, and I'm so hoping that she will be able to do so. However, I still believe that a doctor is doing the right thing by doing blood work before immediately prescribing meds. I know that you and others all mean well; we're all just trying to do what we can to help. My intentions were certainly not to offend you.

[Sue G in PA]

We spoke tonight. His mind was made up. It was made up long before this. Monday at the therapists office was simply a good/safe time for him to bring it up. Our discussion was no discussion. It was me telling him that this (sending them back) was NOT what I wanted/needed. He said in his opinion, it was. I am mentally ill (what he thinks) and therefore do not have a clue what is best for me. It doesn't matter. He made it about me and inserted some various "best for the kids" scenarios to bring his point home and cement it. But, it was mostly what he thought was best for me. When I tried to tell me that homeschooling kept me going, was part of who I am, something I enjoyed (minus all the discipline issues), something I wanted to continue, etc. he then said it wasn't about me. What the? It was okay for him to make it about me, but change the rules when I made it about me. See what I mean? He was allowed to make it about me but I wasn't. His mind was made up. I tried telling him that the children's behavior would not magically get better upon sending them to public school. I tried telling him that their respect for us as parents would not magically transform upon sending them to ps. I tried telling him that they would not magically start getting along better upon sending them to ps. Sure, it might seem like that b/c they are GONE for 6 hours a day. But, it would be the same at night...only worse b/c we've btdt w/ the homework thing and whatever. The fights btwn me and the kids will still be there...just over hw instead of schoolwork. Ds7 (my Aspie kid) will now have a legal lable and all that goes along w/ that. Forget trying to hs him EVER in the future. Impossible in PA w/ all the hoops you must go through b/c your kid has special needs. My ds8 is adament about NOT wanting to go back. Ds10 who struggles w/ math will get lost in the shuffle unless I continue to help him at home (again, same struggle, different time and different curriculum). I might have ppd, I might be depressed. But, I have not lost all capacity to know what is best for me. Dh thinks so. He has made up his mind. My schedule during the day just cleared up. Anyone want to come over for tea and bonbons? :D Oh, silver lining? I can sell all the curriculum that we have and my Emergency Fund ala Dave Ramsey will be fully funded AND some! I think I'm definitely going to need that medication now....a very strong dose.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Sue, I'm so sorry. :( Is it possible to compromise and perhaps send some of the kids to school (like dd11 who wants to go to school) and let the others who don't want to go continue to homeschool?

[Sue G in PA]

Sue, I'm so sorry. :( Is it possible to compromise and perhaps send some of the kids to school (like dd11 who wants to go to school) and let the others who don't want to go continue to homeschool?

 

Thanks for the suggestion. Honestly, that would simply ADD more to my plate. Dd11 never wanted to go back...it's just been since dh had a "chat" w/ her behind my back about all the "wonderful" things that ps can offer and reminded her of her "lack" of friends that she suddenly has this desire to go back. Ds10 wants to go back b/c his best buddy up the road goes and tells him of all the terrific things about ps...like the lunch room. :001_huh: Anyway, sending some to school and hsing some would simply add more to my already overflowing plate. Then I'd be teaching same as always, but adding all the hoops that ps adds, KWIM? It's not something I really want to do. But, thanks for that suggestion. My dh thinks this is going to cure me. Well, I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down and hit by Hurricane Ike. This is not something I will feel better about in the am. Dh, who typically hits the nail on the head w/ his occasional insights...has not done so this time. And, I fear, some irreparable harm has been done to our marriage.

[Stacia]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Nestof3]

I'm so sorry Sue that your husband gets to decide what to do with the children that belong to the both of you.

 

Honestly, if I had that many little ones, I'd be severely on edge IF I wasn't getting a lot of support in the evenings. I've been through very bad, on-edge times with only three children. Honestly, that's one of the reasons we aren't having any more.

 

I'm just sad that there seems to be no trying to fix the problem -- just wanting to ignore it.

 

Yes, I think you are overwhelmed and need some help -- physical, mental, I don't know. I think it's okay to admit that we need help. But, I'm still sad for you that you don't have a say in any of this.

[Sue G in PA]

I'm so sorry Sue that your husband gets to decide what to do with the children that belong to the both of you.

 

Honestly, if I had that many little ones, I'd be severely on edge IF I wasn't getting a lot of support in the evenings. I've been through very bad, on-edge times with only three children. Honestly, that's one of the reasons we aren't having any more.

 

I'm just sad that there seems to be no trying to fix the problem -- just wanting to ignore it.

 

Yes, I think you are overwhelmed and need some help -- physical, mental, I don't know. I think it's okay to admit that we need help. But, I'm still sad for you that you don't have a say in any of this.

 

Me too. This is dh's way of fixing it. This is typically dh's way of fixing things. He likes to avoid the problem, shove it under the rug, forget about it. It's the story of our marriage and I "thought" we had gotten better about it. Guess not. Him taking me to a therapist was an attempt to fix me, so it didn't concern him. That was a problem he could face head on. I'm the nutjob, mental-case, failure...I don't get a say in this one.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Me too. This is dh's way of fixing it. This is typically dh's way of fixing things. He likes to avoid the problem, shove it under the rug, forget about it. It's the story of our marriage and I "thought" we had gotten better about it. Guess not. Him taking me to a therapist was an attempt to fix me, so it didn't concern him. That was a problem he could face head on. I'm the nutjob, mental-case, failure...I don't get a say in this one.

Sue, this breaks my heart. Do the two of you have an agreement that you are submissive and he gets to make all the decisions? Does he make the decision on family size as well as everything else?

[Amy in Orlando]

WOW Sue, I'm speechless. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

I only have four kids and have definitely had my ups and downs. I'm assuming (and we all know what it means to ASSUME anything) that our foundational beliefs are different. You have had (in case you hadn't noticed - I'm kidding) 7 kids in a very short time. I'm guessing your dh was gung-ho on that. I don't know enough about you to know his hours or his contributions at home, but I'm guessing they're minimal and randomly-spaced and most decidedly about when it's convenient for him.

 

In our house, dh and I talk about everything (alone). While I will defer to him when it's important to him (and that's on very few issues lol), he'll listen to my reasoned arguments (he'll even listen to my insane arguments). I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around your dh deciding "THIS" is what's going to happen and you just saying "OK." I can't imagine this scenario - at all.

 

That said, I wish you peace with your new decision. I hope your dh gets all he wants out of this new turn of events. I don't believe for a minute he's trying to fix things for you - he's trying to control things and this is the easiest thing he can do. I hate to be cynical, but in this instance I am. VERY.

 

In all your new found free time (with "just" the three babies on hand) I hope you can see a doctor or talk to one that can help you with the PPD and any other issues accompanying that. While I'll not be holding up signs cheering your dh, I DO wish you the best.

 

Please take care of yourself!!!

[plain jane]

(((Sue))) I'm so sorry. Wow. I believe that as wives, we should rely on our husbands and trust their judgement during tough times. But, wow, oh wow. My heart is breaking for you right now. I will pray for you and your family. I sincerely hope you will find the peace and courage to face this decision. We're here for you, Sue. :grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

I did not read all. I really think that DH is trying to help you. He thinks you will get more sleep and have less stress. That doesn't mean he is right. But I would let go of the idea of being "ganged up" on, etc.

 

I was suffering with PPD and putting Em in school helped for a short time. I was able to get more sleep and so was baby. We were in a cycle of yelling at each other and it had to be broken. Em was behaving very badly and with my PPD I was only making it worse.

 

After a while though, having her in school was making me worse. I was so lost without her and felt that one of my goals in life was not being fulfilled. She was in for only half the school year. I was immediately so much better when we took her back out.

 

So I guess I am saying you never know...

 

Holographic Repatterning helped me tremendously. This can help a lot too. www.tapping.com I also have to take a ton of fish oil and really keep on top of my thyroid balance.

[plain jane]

Holographic Repatterning helped me tremendously. This can help a lot too. www.tapping.com I also have to take a ton of fish oil and really keep on top of my thyroid balance.

 

I wanted to second the EFT (emotional freedom technique). I have been using this over the years and when I remember to use it, I've had tremendous success. Fish oil and a good quality vit B complex are also 2 things I couldn't live without.:)

[Erica in PA]

Oh, Sue...:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It would be so hard, and I would have a very difficult time with it as well. I know how much you are committed to the idea of homeschooling, and letting the kiddos go to school will be a big change for you.

 

My best advice for you is to think as positively about this as you can, even though that's hard to do. It is possible that spending maybe even just the rest of this school year in school really will be good for everyone. You can focus on getting better, resting, taking time for yourself, getting organized around the house, etc., while the kids are in school. When they come home in the afternoon, you can do your best to be the best mommy you can, helping with homework, eating dinner together, reading, snuggling, etc. Maybe that will be a good way to get back into healthy patterns as a family. Homeschooling is like a pressure cooker for family dynamics, and maybe breaking family time into the smaller chunk of evenings and weekends could help everyone to break those bad habits you've spoken of in the past. It doesn't have to go on forever. And I know it's not ideal. But some fun activities, some time with new friends, some structured learning.. that might be a good thing for your kids right now. More rest, more peace, more time to get things done at home....that could be great for you. And seeing those good changes in your family could be just what dh needs to see over time to know that homeschooling could work in the future. Or, you all might find that school is better than any of you imagined, for all of you.

 

The worst thing that could happen, imo, is that the kids go back to school, and you allow bitterness and resentment to cancel out any benefits you all could have gained from doing so. That would be so sad if that happened. If your kids do go back to school, I will pray that you will have the strength to grab onto what is good and beneficial about the situation, and let go of the hurt as much as you can.

 

Hang in there! This is not the end of the world! Give it a try, and see what good God might bring out of it.

 

Erica

[Soph the vet]

I didn't read the other posts.

First, :grouphug: for you. I suffered with PPD more sevely with each child. It will come to an end, thankfully. My doc suggested estrogen patches. Never tried it, instead I chose to ball my eyes out frequently in the rocking chair:D.

I would say you and dh need to get unified. He is obviously concerned about you and you may not be feeling supported in home educating. Try to forgive him as unforgiveness will only lead to resentment. If keeping the dc at home is the top priority for you (even with PPD) then dh needs to be even more supportive of it at this time. Maybe this is a good time to get the dc involved in more outside activities or classes, less intensive schooling with Mom until PPD passes, then back to life as usual. The ages of your kids are the perfect time for "projects", that's all they do in middle school anyway, right? Let them learn to work more on their own this year. Set a goal of getting math and grammar covered. Assign books to be read and let the rest go this year. They will still learn a ton more than sitting in a crowded class with their peers all year. That's my 2 cents.

[PeterPan]

They will still learn a ton more than sitting in a crowded class with their peers all year. That's my 2 cents.

 

I really have to disagree with this. Not every school is bad and home is NOT always the best place. I think we ought to give this dh the benefit of the doubt that he's seeing the situation, thinks it's serious, and thinks it's time to do something. My dh would do the same thing, the exact same thing. And you know, I'd probably squack in the same way. Sue has to put on her own oxygen mask first, before she can help the others.

[Marie in Oh]

I think your dh is trying to help. I think what I would do is just let the children go to ps this semester (it will not kill them) and then work on gaining order til Christmas. Work on gaining order in your house, in your spiritual life, in your mind. Get some medication, clean, discipline the little ones, read lots and lots of scripture. Show your dh that you are capable of taking on the task of educating your children. That is basically the problem. He sees that you are not able right now and he is doing what he knows to do to help. It might be what you need, even if you don't see it that way. Even if it is the whole school year, you need to do some things to show your husband that you can do this job. If your show him, I think he will reconsider after a period of time. :grouphug:

[bkpan]

Oh, Sue...:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It would be so hard, and I would have a very difficult time with it as well. I know how much you are committed to the idea of homeschooling, and letting the kiddos go to school will be a big change for you.

 

My best advice for you is to think as positively about this as you can, even though that's hard to do. It is possible that spending maybe even just the rest of this school year in school really will be good for everyone. You can focus on getting better, resting, taking time for yourself, getting organized around the house, etc., while the kids are in school. When they come home in the afternoon, you can do your best to be the best mommy you can, helping with homework, eating dinner together, reading, snuggling, etc. Maybe that will be a good way to get back into healthy patterns as a family. Homeschooling is like a pressure cooker for family dynamics, and maybe breaking family time into the smaller chunk of evenings and weekends could help everyone to break those bad habits you've spoken of in the past. It doesn't have to go on forever. And I know it's not ideal. But some fun activities, some time with new friends, some structured learning.. that might be a good thing for your kids right now. More rest, more peace, more time to get things done at home....that could be great for you. And seeing those good changes in your family could be just what dh needs to see over time to know that homeschooling could work in the future. Or, you all might find that school is better than any of you imagined, for all of you.

 

The worst thing that could happen, imo, is that the kids go back to school, and you allow bitterness and resentment to cancel out any benefits you all could have gained from doing so. That would be so sad if that happened. If your kids do go back to school, I will pray that you will have the strength to grab onto what is good and beneficial about the situation, and let go of the hurt as much as you can.

 

Hang in there! This is not the end of the world! Give it a try, and see what good God might bring out of it.

 

Erica

 

Sue,

 

Please pay attention to Erica's advice. It is very wise. Do not allow some of these postings to fuel your anger toward your dh. Not one poster here knows his heart, and it is wrong for them to assume his bad intentions and the inner workings of your home and marriage. Hs vs. ps is nothing compared to the state of your marriage to your dh. If I were you, I would be suffering as well over the decision, but don't let that further aggravate your depression. Your dc need a strong and healthy marriage between their parents above anything relating to their educations.

 

Try to see this time as a time to refresh yourself, heal, and strengthen your marriage and home. Continue the counseling with dh. It is vital now. I hope that you have other support through family and friends. Lean on them now.

 

As someone else said, ps is not all evil, lol. My kids were in a ps for a year and it was very good for them!! May you find some blessings through this hard time.

 

Kim

[Mandamom]

:grouphug:

 

I am SO sorry, Sue, that this is happening.

 

I am so sorry your marriage has been terribly hurt by what your dh has chosen to do. I'm one who also thinks that although your dh was trying to make things better for you and your family he could have chosen a better way to do it. I hope that you are able to work through this so that the best decision for your and your kids is made. I hope that you can work through the insurance issues and get help for your PPD.

 

Having gone from a point where homeschooling was everything (even though I always had some kids in school while homeschooling) to me and seemingly defined my role as a woman and mom, I am in a completely different place now. It wasn't easy to get through and for a while I just wasn't sure who I was. It took time but I'm happy with who I am now and my kids are doing well in school.

 

No, my dh didn't decide my kids HAD to go to school but due to many choices he was making I realized it was the best decision for them and I was angry that I had to make that choice. It was the only decision I could have made then and I don't regret it now even though it was hard.

 

 

Good luck. PM me if you want to talk.

[lovemyboys]

Oh, Sue...:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It would be so hard, and I would have a very difficult time with it as well. I know how much you are committed to the idea of homeschooling, and letting the kiddos go to school will be a big change for you.

 

My best advice for you is to think as positively about this as you can, even though that's hard to do. It is possible that spending maybe even just the rest of this school year in school really will be good for everyone. You can focus on getting better, resting, taking time for yourself, getting organized around the house, etc., while the kids are in school. When they come home in the afternoon, you can do your best to be the best mommy you can, helping with homework, eating dinner together, reading, snuggling, etc. Maybe that will be a good way to get back into healthy patterns as a family. Homeschooling is like a pressure cooker for family dynamics, and maybe breaking family time into the smaller chunk of evenings and weekends could help everyone to break those bad habits you've spoken of in the past. It doesn't have to go on forever. And I know it's not ideal. But some fun activities, some time with new friends, some structured learning.. that might be a good thing for your kids right now. More rest, more peace, more time to get things done at home....that could be great for you. And seeing those good changes in your family could be just what dh needs to see over time to know that homeschooling could work in the future. Or, you all might find that school is better than any of you imagined, for all of you.

 

The worst thing that could happen, imo, is that the kids go back to school, and you allow bitterness and resentment to cancel out any benefits you all could have gained from doing so. That would be so sad if that happened. If your kids do go back to school, I will pray that you will have the strength to grab onto what is good and beneficial about the situation, and let go of the hurt as much as you can.

 

Hang in there! This is not the end of the world! Give it a try, and see what good God might bring out of it.

 

Erica

 

:grouphug:Sue:grouphug:

 

Hoping that this will be a good solution for you. Erica's got some beautiful thoughts here to stay positive.

 

Sure there will be more running around and later in the day activities like homework. But maybe it will also allow you to read on the couch in the mornings with your littles, take a nap when they do, not be stressed with managing a household and teaching all at once, etc. Look at this as time to rejuvenate.

 

And the olders will get a chance to see what ps is, maybe get a bit more perspective on schooling with mom if that becomes an option at some point, when they have to cooperate with a bunch of other kids they might find it easier to cooperate with sibs at home.

 

Hoping for all of you that your dc will get loving, wonderful teachers who will help them where they are now (though none could replace you ;) ) and that you will have time to feel really good and rested again. Especially hope that you and dh will come together through this, looking back at it as an especially difficult time that has made you stronger together.

[Tammyla]

(((Sue))) I'm just sending prayers your way. No advice, just a hug and hope for healing and forgiveness. :grouphug:

[at the beach]

Oh, Sue...:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It would be so hard, and I would have a very difficult time with it as well. I know how much you are committed to the idea of homeschooling, and letting the kiddos go to school will be a big change for you.

 

My best advice for you is to think as positively about this as you can, even though that's hard to do. It is possible that spending maybe even just the rest of this school year in school really will be good for everyone. You can focus on getting better, resting, taking time for yourself, getting organized around the house, etc., while the kids are in school. When they come home in the afternoon, you can do your best to be the best mommy you can, helping with homework, eating dinner together, reading, snuggling, etc. Maybe that will be a good way to get back into healthy patterns as a family. Homeschooling is like a pressure cooker for family dynamics, and maybe breaking family time into the smaller chunk of evenings and weekends could help everyone to break those bad habits you've spoken of in the past. It doesn't have to go on forever. And I know it's not ideal. But some fun activities, some time with new friends, some structured learning.. that might be a good thing for your kids right now. More rest, more peace, more time to get things done at home....that could be great for you. And seeing those good changes in your family could be just what dh needs to see over time to know that homeschooling could work in the future. Or, you all might find that school is better than any of you imagined, for all of you.

 

The worst thing that could happen, imo, is that the kids go back to school, and you allow bitterness and resentment to cancel out any benefits you all could have gained from doing so. That would be so sad if that happened. If your kids do go back to school, I will pray that you will have the strength to grab onto what is good and beneficial about the situation, and let go of the hurt as much as you can.

 

Hang in there! This is not the end of the world! Give it a try, and see what good God might bring out of it.

 

Erica

:iagree: :grouphug: to you Sue.

 

Anita

[TammyinTN]

Sue my heart is just breaking for you. I'm so sorry all this is going on. :grouphug:

[Alaska Mom]

First - :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:, my heart really goes out to you.

 

I apologize that I don't have time to read all the responses, but I was surprised by the few that I did read that saw your dh as ganging up on you.

 

First let me offer a sort of disclaimer: I learned from my mom to always try to be objective with advice. So remember here, whatever "advice" you get from this forum is coming to you based on your couple of paragraphs of what may or may not be truly objective - especially if you are in a PPD state. Obviously on the readers side, there is no way to sort out what is more of the fact vs. the emotion, nor do we know you or your family, nor do we have any "discussion" from your dh's side. Throw in any bias on the part of the reader/responder and I'd just say to you to be careful when your dealing with such a serious matter and "listening" to casual advice from strangers. I appolgoize if this sounds like a cold and unemotional response and unappreciative of the WONDERFUL and good hearted people on this site, but this is a pretty serious matter IMO.

 

So all with all that said, my opinion after reading your post last night was simply "wow, I don't have any advice, but at least you can be thankful you have a supportive husband".

 

My opinion that you in fact have a supportive dh comes based just on the facts of what you wrote, not the emotion. I have to assume (because you are married) that your dh loves you, cares about you, wants to help you. This subjective assumption further is derived from a couple of things you said (1) HE WENT to counseling. There are many men who would never do this, ever, let alone be the one to suggest it and then go with you. (2) He helped you actually teach! He could have just drove your kids to ps and left it at that.

 

So unless this man truly hates you, does not want whats best for you, doesn't care about you (which I don't believe any of that to be true).....I'd give him a chance to HELP you. IMO, he IS trying to help you, if it were me, I'd give him a chance to help me, I'd let him be the partner I married, for better or for worse, and not make him the enemy. Personally, I'd ignore all of the advice here....this is a time when your dh, more than likely, probably knows best, I would trust him unless you have reason not to. Remember, whatever you do, NOTHING is permanent.

 

You hang in there, it WILL get better :grouphug:.

[jg_puppy]

I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family.

 

Jan

[Unicorn.]

Can you call your former primary, and have your records faxed to the doc at Patient first? I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I agree w/ a lot of the posters. It sounds to me like your dh doesn't want to take his responsibilty in all this (ie, added work for him). I won't say all the ugly things I'd like to say about him, but I will say that having the kids in ps, was, for me, much ,much, more stressful. Things got better after my dh realized he needed to step up. I pray that you will heal quickly from your ppd, and that you find some peace in this mess. (((Sue)))

[Sue G in PA]

My dh is probably trying to help. That I know. What I also know is that he is trying to help me in a way that causes the least amount of changes for him. He wants to help me but doesn't want anything for him to change much. The fact remains that I do 90% of everything around the house including homeschooling. I'm realizing that my dh THINKS he does a lot (and he might in comparison to many men who only have a few children) and that any "extra" that he takes on he considers a failure on my part. Coupled w/ the fact that his job is not very stressful (and so he cannot use that as an excuse) and he does travel a bit is a recipe for disaster for ME. I'm set up to fail. The solution is not ps. The solution is my dh taking on more of the responsibilities around here and taking on more of an active parenting role w/ our children. Right now, I am the disciplinarian 90% of the time while he plays the "good guy" role 90% of the time. That is not a partnership. My head is clearer this morning and "mama bear" is rising up to protect her cubs. Seems dh has been planting "seeds" in the dc heads about going back to school and this morning ds10 and dd11 started saying stuff like, "I wouldn't have to do xyz at ps". "I wouldn't have to do x writing program at ps" or "Mom, do you think I spend too much time w/ my brothers?". WHAT? Where did THAT come from? Ds10's best friend is also planting seeds of discontent in his head about spending too much time w/ his family and not having "enough" friends. I'm getting angrier by the minute. Dh is playing the socialization card, too. I'm not sure what I think anymore about that issue. But, I will tell you that something is rising up inside of me that "screams" ps is NOT the arena I want my dc in to learn socialization. Maybe I'm wrong. What I realized last night is that my marriage will cease being a partnership if I let dh make this decision alone or let him disregard my thoughts and feelings. It will become a dictatorship and I cannot live in a relationship like that. Those are some of my thoughts. School is continuing as planned today come h*ll or high water.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

When I was depressed I wasn't the best judge of any situation and I wasn't the best judge of the motives of the people around you. The lesson that I learned was that I had to trust that some of the people around me had my best interests and those of my dc at heart because I wasn't thinking clearly enough to judge for myself.

 

Could you use this time to heal and rest, work on the things about your relationship that you aren't happy with, and reconnect with yourself and your family? The homeschool/not homeschool decision can be revisited later.

 

The important thing right now is that you get well. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Karenciavo]

I certainly don't agree with your husband's methods at all, but you haven't answered my question (not that you are obliged to, but I am curious :))

What plans do you have to change the situation at home, during the day, when I'm assuming your husband is not at home. How are you going to get your children to do their work in a timely manner and not want to kill each other? I'm asking because there are discipline issues going on when your husband is not around and, I know you know this, your children need to obey you. I don't think "Wait till your father gets home," is going to help relieve your daily stress. Your mama bear attitude is commendable to me, but what's changing?

 

Just so you know, I also deal with a husband who would love to see the children in school, I know that battle Sue. I also know if my husband came home to chaos often it would put a big strain on our marriage. Telling my husband, "Well, you need to step up," wouldn't lessen the strain, it would add more weight. You need to come together in love to discuss this, not as opponents in separate corners.

[Carol in Cal.]

Sue, this is awful! I am mad for you, that you can't get the right help on this. Also, if my DH ever treated me this way, I would be beyond furious.

 

Some people who are depressed are completely immobilized and ineffective. Some are functional, but angry in their affect all the time. Some fake it really, really well, and force themselves to be effective.

 

I don't know where you fall on this scale, and I don't know how your DH feels that you fall on this scale. I would honestly ask yourself that question--where you think you fall, and where you think he thinks you fall on that scale. It's easy for me to picture someone in your situation holding themselves together with difficulty all day, and then unloading on the DH when he gets home. That can possibly create the perception in his mind that things are much worse than they actually are at home when he is not there. Maybe that is what needs to be corrected here.

 

I am not as generous as some in ascribing motives to him. He might be suggesting this out of love for you OR love for the kids OR just wanting an escape from a situation that he considers unpleasant. Any way you slice it, to approach you in the way that he did was underhanded at best. I'm really sorry that you are in this position--it is painful, for sure.

 

Now more than ever.

 

This decision of your DH's does not feel concerned or productive to me. It sounds like out of the frying pan, into the fire. It sounds ill-considered. It sounds dictatorial. It sounds selfish.

 

FWIW, Sue, I just want you to know that I don't think that your feelings are unreasonable at all.

[Kelli in TN]

I also know if my husband came home to chaos often it would put a big strain on our marriage. Telling my husband, "Well, you need to step up," wouldn't lessen the strain, it would add more weight. You need to come together in love to discuss this, not as opponents in separate corners.

 

When I have gone through phases where I knew I did not have my act together my husband would challenge me about homeschooling. I could take it one of two ways, I could either get angry and emotional or I could get my act together. The second choice usually brought us to a place of peace and agreement the fastest.

[Stacy in NJ]

My dh is probably trying to help. That I know. What I also know is that he is trying to help me in a way that causes the least amount of changes for him. He wants to help me but doesn't want anything for him to change much. The fact remains that I do 90% of everything around the house including homeschooling. I'm realizing that my dh THINKS he does a lot (and he might in comparison to many men who only have a few children) and that any "extra" that he takes on he considers a failure on my part. Coupled w/ the fact that his job is not very stressful (and so he cannot use that as an excuse) and he does travel a bit is a recipe for disaster for ME. I'm set up to fail. The solution is not ps. The solution is my dh taking on more of the responsibilities around here and taking on more of an active parenting role w/ our children. Right now, I am the disciplinarian 90% of the time while he plays the "good guy" role 90% of the time. That is not a partnership. My head is clearer this morning and "mama bear" is rising up to protect her cubs. Seems dh has been planting "seeds" in the dc heads about going back to school and this morning ds10 and dd11 started saying stuff like, "I wouldn't have to do xyz at ps". "I wouldn't have to do x writing program at ps" or "Mom, do you think I spend too much time w/ my brothers?". WHAT? Where did THAT come from? Ds10's best friend is also planting seeds of discontent in his head about spending too much time w/ his family and not having "enough" friends. I'm getting angrier by the minute. Dh is playing the socialization card, too. I'm not sure what I think anymore about that issue. But, I will tell you that something is rising up inside of me that "screams" ps is NOT the arena I want my dc in to learn socialization. Maybe I'm wrong. What I realized last night is that my marriage will cease being a partnership if I let dh make this decision alone or let him disregard my thoughts and feelings. It will become a dictatorship and I cannot live in a relationship like that. Those are some of my thoughts. School is continuing as planned today come h*ll or high water.

 

Sue, I can see that you're in alot of pain, and maybe today isn't the best time to make major life decisions. Can you pray and rest for a few days and revisit these issues with your dh after you're feeling rested?

 

I notice that you're not really responding to the advice offered by Erica, Karen, Shannon, and Nestof3. I feel as if you're ignoring all advice and wisdom that doesn't immediately agree with your current turn of mind. Sometimes it's really difficult to hear the stuff you just don't want to. I know this myself from experience.

 

Regarding your dh, in a perfect world all husbands and wives would agree on how responsibilites are divided, but that's just not the reality in most marriages. Not that you, or anyone else, shouldn't work to help their spouse grasp how their actions, or inactions, are affecting you, but sometimes we need to accept imperfect situations.

 

Your husband may be lead to a better understanding of what you need from him as a husband, but then again he may not. You need to prepare yourself for both circumstances.

 

All the best, Stacy:001_smile:

[8filltheheart]

I have typed this out and deleted it umpteen times b/c I know this isn't what you want to hear. But this is what my tough love answer is based on my single-sided virtual perspective.

 

I think both you and your dh have been guilty of what you have described as "shoving it under the rug and hoping it will go away." Long before your newest one was born you were posting about your ds and his behaviors. You posted about the sibling reactions to his behaviors. You have posted about things spiraling out of control.

 

I don't know that school is necessarily the answer, but I think your dh has actually taken a huge step forward in helping your family by acknowledging with a professional that things are dysfunctional.

 

The larger question is the "why" are things dysfunctional. Based on the length of time of your posting, I think he is wrong to say it is PPD, though that might be a contributing factor to his reaching breaking point. I think the situation goes back far longer.

 

I think you, your children, and your dh are all stressed based on your posts. It would probably be more beneficial to your entire family if the situation were examined as to what specific behaviors/stressors exist and taking realistic steps to address them. But it takes actual action.......whether it is diagnosis and/or meds/therapy, etc for your ds, possible meds for you, family counseling so the kids can understand why they are stressed, etc.

 

I think you are right is saying that sending them to school won't fix the problems. I am not convinced it might not help at least some of them. (I am sure the vast majority probably disagree with that......but I know having my ds attend school has definitely alleviated a lot of my stress.) But......until the root of the problems are sorted out, are you actually going to be able to say that everything in your household is going to work out just fine on its own?

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. It's just that for months you were going to seek help for your ds but didn't b/c you didn't want labels. Then, you were pregnant. Then the kids started fighting more and more. The escalation has been evident on this side of the screen, if not in your reality. If I am way off base, I am very, very sorry. But I honestly feel sad for your entire family. I hope that somehow counseling helps all of you.

[KidsHappen]

I haven't answered it so far because it is going to be so very difficult for me to do so. It hits very close to home so I might not neccesarily make the most sense. I am bi-polar and sometimes my mania is extreme. I have never lost touch with reality but there have been times when I was not the best mother. There could conceivably be a time in the future when my dh and other family members would need to step in and make decisions that I might not neccesarily agree with. I understand that and I am prepared for it. However, I would hope that they would start by approaching me individually and then perhaps a few family members together. If they felt it was time to bring in my dr.s or counselors then I would hope that they would let me know this first.

 

Being mentally ill does not mean that you are incapable of thinking and making decisions for yourself. Consider if you had breast cancer and your dh and dr decided to remove your breast with discussing it with you first. I can't imagine anyone who would not be outraged by that scenario. I don't care how well meaning a person's intentions are this is very patriarchal and just plain wrong. AS a mentally ill person this kind of behavior makes things much worse (both more severe and longer lasting) not better. In this case, not only do you have to deal with the original illness, you would also now have to deal with feelings of hurt, betrayal, being alone, having no one you can trust to help you through the illness, fear of both your dr and support person. Words can not even convey the magnitude of the emotional pain this would cause. If you do not suffer from severe mental illness, you simply can not imagine.

 

I can not speak for the OP but I do know that this would cause a very serious breach in my marriage that might not ever be able to be healed. My dh once made a very slight mistake of stepping into a situation that he should not have. His intentions were honerable but his assessment was incorrect and his reaction sure to inflame things. It spiraled out of control very quickly and had the potential of even more tragic results. I will never forget or forgive his transgression in this situation and I have to admit that it leaves me slightly uneasy about how he would handle future situations.

 

 

My advice to you Sue is to back burner the school discussion for six months. Put your foot down and insist that you will not agree to any rash decision. Then use this time to really think about this. Discuss it with your dh and your dc if you feel so compelled. If you decide this is the way to go, this gives you time to adjust and make the transition.

 

AS many other have pointed out. Sending the kids to school is not going to make things any easier. I have one in school and it has just doubled my work load and made it more stressful because now I have to operate on several other people's schedules. You need to make sure that all people involved in this decision understand this.

 

I also wanted to let you know that you can insist on dr. patient confidentiality and revoke your permission for her to speak to your dh about you. You do need to talk to both of them and let them know how you feel and that this behavior was not acceptable of helpful.

 

I am concerned about you taking meds while breastfeeding. Please research this thoroughly and discuss with your dr. Also I agree that it may not be the best idea to use the word emergency when describing your condition. That sets you up for way too many potential problems including: being able to make decisions about your own health care, decisions regarding your children, maybe even say in where your children live. Don't use that word unless it is truely life threatening.

 

Obviously you need to talk to your dh but I am not qualified to advise you on that. You do need to tell him how you feel and that while you know that his intentions may have been honorable they were not helpful. Also tell him what he needs to do to be truely helpful.

 

I know that this has been long and rambling but hopefully I have made some sense. I really feel for you. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope that the clouds clear soon. Know that I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best. :grouphug:

[Jami]

I think momof7 has really spoken wisely here, Sue. As have others. I can understand that things are really hard for you right now. :( I've not been there in the same way (family size, children's ages, etc) but dh and I have had our own stresses and struggles in recent years and reached breaking points a couple of times.

 

All we here on the board have are your posts over the past year or so, and as momof7 pointed out, they've shown your increasing weariness, frustration and anger--with your dh, children, and life situation right now. Your dh seems to want to change at least one of the dynamics in the home right now and maybe he's hopeful some of the other things will fall into place.

 

:grouphug:

 

Public school may not have to be forever, or for all the children, but you can see that something needs to shift somewhere, to give you all a chance to regroup.

 

I think you've received some advice from many here, that while it may be hard to hear, really seeks to help you find joy and peace in your home and marriage.

 

Jami

[Sue G in PA]

I certainly don't agree with your husband's methods at all, but you haven't answered my question (not that you are obliged to, but I am curious :))

What plans do you have to change the situation at home, during the day, when I'm assuming your husband is not at home. How are you going to get your children to do their work in a timely manner and not want to kill each other? I'm asking because there are discipline issues going on when your husband is not around and, I know you know this, your children need to obey you. I don't think "Wait till your father gets home," is going to help relieve your daily stress. Your mama bear attitude is commendable to me, but what's changing?

 

Just so you know, I also deal with a husband who would love to see the children in school, I know that battle Sue. I also know if my husband came home to chaos often it would put a big strain on our marriage. Telling my husband, "Well, you need to step up," wouldn't lessen the strain, it would add more weight. You need to come together in love to discuss this, not as opponents in separate corners.

 

I'm not trying to ignore your questions or anybody elses questions or advice. There is some sound advice here. I'm mulling it all over and praying about it as best I can. I'm also trying to keep on keeping on b/c school must continue while they are at home, KWIM? I have but a few minutes to respond:

 

Discipline issues: I am really at a loss. Honestly. I have and continue to try different things. My main goal is to give a direction once, not blow up if it is not followed the first time but simply take away a privelege (or a "chip" since we have been doing that system and it is working somewhat). That's the goal anyway. Punishing pushes my kids further away and taking away friend privileges seems horrible b/c we are already grappling with the whole socialization issue, KWIM? So, I'm working on it. But I will say it again...I do not parent alone in a vacuum. My dh helped to create these children and he must start stepping up and taking on some of the parenting/disciplining stuff and helping me/us figure out what will work.

 

Homeschool vs. public school: I'm under no delusions that my life will magically get easier once the dc are in school. I'll still have 2 littles at home. Our bus stop is far away and so it will mean 2 am trips to the bus stop (I'll have 2 in Elem. and 2 in middle w/ 2 diff. start times), one noon trip b/c K is only 1/2 day here and then 2 pm trips to the bus stop. Baby doesn't wake up until 8 or later and so the am trips will interfere w/ that. It's not going to magically change my life. You all know that. I know that. Dh doesn't realize that b/c again...nothing about his life will change with the scenario. Nothing. Easy way out.

 

I do need time to heal and I believe that can be done w/ the dc at home...in time.

 

Socialization issues continue to haunt me. I may post another thread about this.

 

ALL have given good advice. I'm not just listening to the ones I want to hear. Really. I'm not like that. If I send my kids back to ps, there could be some positives. When I sat down and created a list...there were more negatives than positives. What is best for my dc? I honestly do not know that right now. Ps could provide opportunities that we can't. Homeschooling provides opportunities that ps can't. Which is better? Learning to function together as a family successfully is important to me. Sending my dc away to ps is not a means to that end, IMO. I could be wrong. When I am less angry w/ dh and can see clearly, I plan to discuss the changes that I want to see around here...starting w/ him stepping up to the plate more. I'm not so delusional to think that I am perfect and don't need to change. I'm working on that, too. But, dh has skills that could be useful around here. I'm re-reading the posts b/c I want to gleam as much wisdom as I can from all of them. Thanks to you all!

[at the beach]

Sue, I still agree with the posters who suggest you take your husband's advice right now.

 

I do want to add that I recall looking at your sig line a few weeks ago, and I thought, wow, that's A LOT of stuff to be doing with all those kids. And, frankly, I wondered how you'd manage to carry it off. For example, you were doing numerous Language Arts things. Didn't you have your dd doing Lightning Lit and LLATL? Isn't LLATL a comprehensive LA program to begin with? I imagine you want the best for your children like most of us do, so it's easy to sometimes want to give them the best of everything. Sometimes, Sue, less is more.

 

If I were in your shoes, and if I were trying to stop the madness so to speak, I would probably homeschool as follows IF I was that adamant about not sending them back to school and if I could get my husband on board. I would ditch EVERYTHING, including history and science right now, except MATH AND READING/WRITING/HANDWRITING. This is only in reference to academics, not other pursuits of your children's. I would recommend you get a comprehensive program that covers ALL of language arts except for outside reading--like Galore Park's English, for example. It would take an hour a day TOPS to do it. Your oldest is 11, right? You could absolutely just spend one solid year doing nothing but math and English with your kids and they would suffer no harm from it IMHO. Additionally, I would often pack 'em up and go to the park and let them run and play. I'd let them do things like handicrafts, nature walks, and I would get rid of all TV and electronics. Have lots of books around and trips to the library. Perhaps scaling back to basics will allow you the time you need to get your house in order.

 

I would also find a way to involve my child in the things she wants to do like choir that you mentioned. How about Girl Scouts, Youth Group? Have you asked the school if she can participate in only extras? You said you can't afford these things, but I think with being homeschooled, especially, your dc are going to need to have some sort of opportunities to do outside activities of some sort--just my opinion. What about the YMCA and swim team? Just thoughts.

 

You may think your husband needs to pick up the slack, but that doesn't mean he will. And I don't think this is the hill you want to die on. Plus, you cannot make people change if they aren't on board with it. I still say, take hubby's advice right now, but if you can't do that, make immediate changes to make things manageable or put your kids in school. They won't die from six months of school. If it's terrible, bring them home. It's not necessarily an all or nothing proposition.

 

I know from your posts that you are a good, loving mother. I also know you must have a full plate. A special needs child, a baby, five other children on top of that. Anyone would have a hard time. There's only so much one person can do, and frankly, sometimes something's gotta give.

 

Anita

[PeterPan]

Sue, I think you're missing the point. When you feel WELL again and are over the ppd, you might be able to handle these issues better. A woman CAN parent and discipline even if the dh never participates or even undermines. My dad was gone all the time in the Navy and my mother managed. A woman can do anything WHEN SHE FEELS WELL. When you're not feeling well, not strong, low in energy, for whatever reason, it's a whole lot harder.

 

Today is Wed. Shock your dh and do what he says. Register the kids, send them on Monday morning, and find a doctor to treat you. Thyroid meds are not the same as antidepressants, and you can take them while nursing, no qualms at all. If you don't want to take an antidepressant, then consult with a practitioner who uses herbs.

 

The baby can wake up earlier. That's just an excuse.

 

You've got to get YOURSELF stronger so you can get everything else in line. Then it won't matter if your dh "steps up to the plate" or not. LOTS of women have husbands who don't participate. That's an excuse.

 

When your dh has told you what to do, there is no "praying about it", only doing it. Sorry.

 

I'm not meaning to be harsh, but I'm telling you the truth. None of the excuses stand and you need to just do what your dh says. You're probably not seeing things as clearly as you think you are, and I've been there, so I can say that.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think we're all seeing things through the lens of our own experiences. I don't think any one of us knows Sue or her family and we certainly cannot know what is best for them. This is something they need to work out for themselves.

 

At the very least, I would have felt betrayed and ambushed for sure if my husband had taken me to a counselor under one guise and then ambushed me about homeschooling. *Even if he's right* (and I'm not saying that he is) he went about it wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

I would never "just do" what my hubby says without further thought or discussion or prayer or talking to the pastor or seeing what medical help I needed or getting a family schedule together, etc. NEVER.

 

We have been through periods where we realized our household was in chaos and hubby, kids and I had to work to regroup. Granted, I didn't have a new baby and wasn't dealing with depression, those are extra issues that need extra handling.

 

A few things that *really* help me regroup during these periods:

1. more physical activities for me and the kids

2. more social activities for me and the kids

3. a good, firm schedule

[Queen_Zarga]

Sue,

 

I'm fairly new here and don't know all of your history, but would it be possible to have someone come in and help for a few hours a day? If someone could play with the littles while you give your full attention to the bigger kids (schooling, discipline issues, special time with Mom), would that help? I know good help is hard to find and I know it costs money, so it may not be a possibility for you. Do you have someone from the church (I apologize if you don't go to church; again, I'm not familiar with your story) who could come a few hours a week? Do you have a college nearby with students in a early childhood ed program who could come over?

 

From what you've said, I agree that your dh should step up and help more, but if that isn't going to happen, outside help may be the ticket.

 

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

What I realized last night is that my marriage will cease being a partnership if I let dh make this decision alone or let him disregard my thoughts and feelings. It will become a dictatorship and I cannot live in a relationship like that. Those are some of my thoughts. School is continuing as planned today come h*ll or high water.

 

You will probably struggle with resentment if he just gets his way and you feel you have no voice. On the other hand, he also has seven children, he provides for them, and he is worried about them and is watching his wife suffer, and he's going to resent it if *he* has no voice.

 

They are his kids too.

 

I'd jump on the chance to work through this with a competent therapist. I really think you should consider telling him that you want to continute to discuss this in therapy. It's really too bad this couldn't have happened at the beginning of the summer when you would have had a couple of months to decide. I'm sure he feels that they need to go to school NOW so they will be up with their classes. Maybe you could tell him to enroll the two kids he thinks are MOST in need and desirous of a PS education, and then continue to work for the school year on whether to send the others too, or bring those two home, or leave thing that way?

[Barb_]

My dh is probably trying to help. That I know. What I also know is that he is trying to help me in a way that causes the least amount of changes for him.

 

If it were me, I would thank him for caring, tell him maybe a break is precisely what I need, and then outline exactly (and I do mean put it in writing) what I'd need from him in order to get this break. I would not be the only one helping with homework, fielding permission slips, volunteering, transporting the kids to and from school, etc. Pull him in and cause him some changes. If you don't insist on specific ways for him to do his part, you are helping along this bad habit of his. Trust me, I know...I have a darling husband who is natured like this (I blame his mother for treating him like a crown prince until he was 25) and speaking up and insisting *in writing* is the only way we keep peace in our family.

 

Hugs to you and please keep us updated of the developments.

 

Barb

[Kelli in TN]

If it were me, I would thank him for caring, tell him maybe a break is precisely what I need, and then outline exactly (and I do mean put it in writing) what I'd need from him in order to get this break. I would not be the only one helping with homework, fielding permission slips, volunteering, transporting the kids to and from school, etc. Pull him in and cause him some changes. If you don't insist on specific ways for him to do his part, you are helping along this bad habit of his. Trust me, I know...I have a darling husband who is natured like this (I blame his mother for treating him like a crown prince until he was 25) and speaking up and insisting *in writing* is the only way we keep peace in our family.

 

Hugs to you and please keep us updated of the developments.

 

Barb

 

I sort of did this when we had a kid in school. We were not in disagreement about this child being in school (it was the only way to have peace in our home at that time) but I flat out told dh that I could not handle homeschooling the others AND handle PTA meetings and this, that and the other. He's not terribly involved in our homeschooling so this was new to him. It did not kill him. Really. He's still alive to this day.

 

What I did find out was that although he did not wish to be involved in homeschooling, he is INCREDIBLY involved in college life. That's where he blooms, he LOVES being the college dad and loves dealing with the college people when our girl needs help and such. He loves all of it but the writing of the checks!:lol:

 

Anyway, that rabbit trail was all to say that it is not a bad thing to say to an uninvolved dad "Here, this is your responsibility, take it and run with it."

[Mom to Aly]

If it were me, I would thank him for caring, tell him maybe a break is precisely what I need, and then outline exactly (and I do mean put it in writing) what I'd need from him in order to get this break. I would not be the only one helping with homework, fielding permission slips, volunteering, transporting the kids to and from school, etc. Pull him in and cause him some changes. If you don't insist on specific ways for him to do his part, you are helping along this bad habit of his. Trust me, I know...I have a darling husband who is natured like this (I blame his mother for treating him like a crown prince until he was 25) and speaking up and insisting *in writing* is the only way we keep peace in our family.

 

Hugs to you and please keep us updated of the developments.

 

Barb

 

:iagree: Barb, this is the best advice I've seen, if you have to put your kids in school! Sue, don't let him think he can run all over you, and that's it, problem solved with you left to deal with the rest. Show him that there are repercussions, show him that you will not deal with them alone; if he thinks you are mentally ill, he needs to be there to help; and let him know that mental illness is a disease, and if you are sick, you may not be able to do much of anything for a while, so there may be more slack to pick up for him. If you are incapable of homeschooling, according to him, you are probably incapable of lots of other things.

 

Also, I have to ask this, why does he get to decide this unilaterally?

[Barb_]

I sort of did this when we had a kid in school. We were not in disagreement about this child being in school (it was the only way to have peace in our home at that time) but I flat out told dh that I could not handle homeschooling the others AND handle PTA meetings and this, that and the other. He's not terribly involved in our homeschooling so this was new to him. It did not kill him. Really. He's still alive to this day.

 

What I did find out was that although he did not wish to be involved in homeschooling, he is INCREDIBLY involved in college life. That's where he blooms, he LOVES being the college dad and loves dealing with the college people when our girl needs help and such. He loves all of it but the writing of the checks!:lol:

 

Anyway, that rabbit trail was all to say that it is not a bad thing to say to an uninvolved dad "Here, this is your responsibility, take it and run with it."

 

Kelli, I'm glad you chimed in to clarify because this is exactly what I was talking about. Our oldest started college this year and the 14yo started high school at a public charter about 40 minutes away. This is something we really wanted for this daughter because it's the school I would have created myself given the chance. But at the outset, I told my husband exactly what I needed from him to make it work. He takes her in the morning on the way to work (even though it's out of his way) and I pick her up at 3:30. He carves out time for any mandatory parent meetings and puts in his face time. He schedules meetings for earlier in the day in case he has to pick her up after cross country at 5:30. But they are half his kids too. That counts not only for decision making time, but also when it's time to step up to the plate and accept responsibility. Not to punish him, but to involve him. I think the problem is, sometimes these guys don't really know WHAT to do unless we say, "here, this is what I need."

 

Barb

[Lovedtodeath]

I'm not trying to ignore your questions or anybody elses questions or advice. There is some sound advice here. I'm mulling it all over and praying about it as best I can. I'm also trying to keep on keeping on b/c school must continue while they are at home, KWIM? I have but a few minutes to respond:

 

Discipline issues: My dh helped to create these children and he must start stepping up and taking on some of the parenting/disciplining stuff and helping me/us figure out what will work.

 

Homeschool vs. public school: I'm under no delusions that my life will magically get easier once the dc are in school. I'll still have 2 littles at home. Our bus stop is far away and so it will mean 2 am trips to the bus stop (I'll have 2 in Elem. and 2 in middle w/ 2 diff. start times), one noon trip b/c K is only 1/2 day here and then 2 pm trips to the bus stop. Baby doesn't wake up until 8 or later and so the am trips will interfere w/ that. It's not going to magically change my life. You all know that. I know that. Dh doesn't realize that b/c again...nothing about his life will change with the scenario.

 

I do need time to heal and I believe that can be done w/ the dc at home...in time.

 

If I send my kids back to ps, there could be some positives. When I sat down and created a list...there were more negatives than positives. I'm not so delusional to think that I am perfect and don't need to change. I'm working on that, too. But, dh has skills that could be useful around here. I'm re-reading the posts b/c I want to gleam as much wisdom as I can from all of them. Thanks to you all!

 

The bus stop problem is very real and can be as much of a hassle as homeschooling. I know. What if you chose one school to put some of the kids in? Then you have less to teach, and not as many bus stops to handle? I think this could help.

 

I am not familiar with the ages of your dc, but if time to heal is what you need then you will not get it by running half your kids to different schools and still having littles to look after. If you relent and put your older children in PS, then the littles need to go to. They could be signed up for preschool or day care a couple of days a week so that you truly get more rest.

 

I suggest you have DH read this post. He needs to see what is on here.

 

I think you need to work together to find a solution. I don't think putting all of the school age children in PS is the change that this family needs.

 

I do want to add that I recall looking at your sig line a few weeks ago, and I thought, wow, that's A LOT of stuff to be doing with all those kids. And, frankly, I wondered how you'd manage to carry it off. For example, you were doing numerous Language Arts things. Didn't you have your dd doing Lightning Lit and LLATL? Isn't LLATL a comprehensive LA program to begin with? I imagine you want the best for your children like most of us do, so it's easy to sometimes want to give them the best of everything. Sometimes, Sue, less is more.

 

If I were in your shoes, and if I were trying to stop the madness so to speak, I would probably homeschool as follows IF I was that adamant about not sending them back to school and if I could get my husband on board. I would ditch EVERYTHING, including history and science right now, except MATH AND READING/WRITING/HANDWRITING. This is only in reference to academics, not other pursuits of your children's. I would recommend you get a comprehensive program that covers ALL of language arts except for outside reading--like Galore Park's English, for example. It would take an hour a day TOPS to do it. Your oldest is 11, right? You could absolutely just spend one solid year doing nothing but math and English with your kids and they would suffer no harm from it IMHO. Additionally, I would often pack 'em up and go to the park and let them run and play. I'd let them do things like handicrafts, nature walks, and I would get rid of all TV and electronics. Have lots of books around and trips to the library. Perhaps scaling back to basics will allow you the time you need to get your house in order.

 

I know from your posts that you are a good, loving mother. I also know you must have a full plate. A special needs child, a baby, five other children on top of that. Anyone would have a hard time. There's only so much one person can do, and frankly, sometimes something's gotta give.

 

Anita

 

:iagree::iagree: Cut down on your curriculum!! And... There's only so much one person can do, and frankly, sometimes something's gotta give.

 

Sue,

 

I'm fairly new here and don't know all of your history, but would it be possible to have someone come in and help for a few hours a day? If someone could play with the littles while you give your full attention to the bigger kids (schooling, discipline issues, special time with Mom), would that help? I know good help is hard to find and I know it costs money, so it may not be a possibility for you. Do you have someone from the church (I apologize if you don't go to church; again, I'm not familiar with your story) who could come a few hours a week? Do you have a college nearby with students in a early childhood ed program who could come over?

 

From what you've said, I agree that your dh should step up and help more, but if that isn't going to happen, outside help may be the ticket.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I think we're all seeing things through the lens of our own experiences. I don't think any one of us knows Sue or her family and we certainly cannot know what is best for them. This is something they need to work out for themselves.

 

At the very least, I would have felt betrayed and ambushed for sure if my husband had taken me to a counselor under one guise and then ambushed me about homeschooling. *Even if he's right* (and I'm not saying that he is) he went about it wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

I would never "just do" what my hubby says without further thought or discussion or prayer or talking to the pastor or seeing what medical help I needed or getting a family schedule together, etc. NEVER.

 

We have been through periods where we realized our household was in chaos and hubby, kids and I had to work to regroup. Granted, I didn't have a new baby and wasn't dealing with depression, those are extra issues that need extra handling.

 

A few things that *really* help me regroup during these periods:

1. more physical activities for me and the kids

2. more social activities for me and the kids

3. a good, firm schedule

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I also have an article on PPD that helped me know I was not alone and helped others to see that what I was going through was real and not something I could snap out of on my own. HTH

[Kelli in TN]

That counts not only for decision making time, but also when it's time to step up to the plate and accept responsibility. Not to punish him, but to involve him. I think the problem is, sometimes these guys don't really know WHAT to do unless we say, "here, this is what I need."

 

Barb

 

Maybe we are married to twins who were separated at birth?

 

It took me almost two decades to figure out that simply saying "I need help" did not work because then we was left to craft his own version of "help" and it was rarely what I needed. I have to say "I need help and this is what help looks like for me" and then I have stroke his ego and give him lots of kisses for being such a big help and in the end he believes he thought that up all by himself. It works, I get what I need and he feels like Superman. Since he loves me he really wants to give me what I need and since I love him I want him to always feel like Superman.

 

Marriage is such an interesting game, isn't it?

[Jami]

 

Marriage is such an interesting game, isn't it?

 

Lol. It is, it really, really is.

 

;)

[PeterPan]

Also, I have to ask this, why does he get to decide this unilaterally?

 

Ok, I'm going to toss something out to y'all who've never been sick enough to have this happen. The dh WOULDN'T have decided unilaterally if she had been in a position emotionally, spiritually, physically, or anything else to take what he was saying. He has probably tried a lot of different ways and said a lot of things and nothing has changed. No man makes that unilateral a decision unless he's at his most frustrated.

 

Also, to Sue, I sincerely, sincerely encourage you to listen to your dh and not let such extreme thoughts about how this ought to affect your marraige fill your mind. You're not in a position to think through those things clearly when you don't feel well. I'm speaking to you ask one who has been there and thought some thoughts just as extreme. Just do what your dh says and sort out the ramifications later, when you feel better, much better.

[Alaska Mom]

It took me almost two decades to figure out that simply saying "I need help" did not work because then we was left to craft his own version of "help" and it was rarely what I needed. I have to say "I need help and this is what help looks like for me" and then I have stroke his ego and give him lots of kisses for being such a big help and in the end he believes he thought that up all by himself. It works, I get what I need and he feels like Superman. Since he loves me he really wants to give me what I need and since I love him I want him to always feel like Superman.

 

and therein the secret is revealed....

[8filltheheart]

We are all responding to a virtual situation. None of us can know exactly what is really happening other than Sue. However, based on the intensity, degree, and the sheer length of time this has been building, I do not believe it was a spontaneous decision on his part.

 

To be completely 100% honest, when I first read the OP, I had several reactions:

 

1-he isn't absent and uncaring b/c obviously he is witnessing the same scenerios that are being posted

 

2-he wants to help. He hasn't shut down and nor do I believe he is burying his head. If anything, they both have for over a yr and finally it has hit critical mass.

 

3-I might be mad at my dh if did something like that, but really, I think it speaks volumes of love. Sue's posts have been those of pure desperation and exasperation......looking for a lifeline. I don't know about the men in your lives, but my dh and my older ds's are about as clammed mouthed as one can get when it comes to personal relationship issues. I doubt he has had a sounding board to help sort out his thoughts or how to help. Finding a counselor was his way of coping. Bravo to him for caring and loving enough to reach out to someone vs. staying out later, coming home later, and distancing himself from the situation.

 

4-maybe the family will actually be able to heal and re-group.

 

Am I being judgemental? I don't know. I certainly only ever post such personal family details when I am in severe crisis (which we have experienced in our own household with mental illness). If you take the cumulative of Sue's posts over the long period.....there have been huge numbers of them and a lot of them with unpleasant details.....stories that conjure images of unhealthy situations causing stress in kids (I have witnessed the stressors in my younger children reacting to the stress of my ds. They hurt.)

 

I hope that the family gets the help they need.