tm919 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Whenever I see one of those posts about how there aren’t any children playing at the park, I feel sad… because for years, my children have gone to a nearby park where — most nice days — there is a group of children who have become friends over the years, get along, and include anyone who wants to play. The children range from 4 to 8 and have a lot of fun together. For the past week (maybe more, but we've only seen her the past week), a girl who is maybe 8 has been coming, and the nicest way I can describe her behavior is that she is a handful. She orders the other children around (making them engage in constant competitions where she creates rules that only she can win, telling them “if you don’t play with me, I’ll be mean to you†when they want to stop), threatens them (“my mom is in the police, and if you don’t do what I say, you’ll go to jailâ€), taunts them (“Haha, you can’t skip count!†or “you can’t swing! Prove it if you can!â€), and when no one plays with her screams until someone does. Some of the children just ignore her, but this is making my daughter beyond miserable. This is all happening right in front of her parents and they seem to ignore that it’s happening. Like, she was taunting my 4 year old, yelling at her “Ha, ha, you have to go home†and her parents just went on looking at their cell phones approximately 2 feet away. My daughter has tried playing with her (results in threats, orders, taunts, and then misery for my daughter). I’ve tried nicely talking to this girl, like “Hey, we treat our friends with kindness.†Other moms have tried talking to her. One tried asking her name and the girl started immediately yelling about how “it’s not my fault!†I feel badly for this girl, because really, if she’d be nice the kids would play with her and something just seems so wrong. And my daughter has gone through life including and liking everyone and she is just not learning to ignore this girl's taunts, demands, and threats. My husband says that if my daughter can’t just ignore her, the park is a loss. We’ve been going for years now and I’m just beyond sad that it could be ruined for my kids and the friends they’ve made. There really isn’t a convenient alternative as close. Given that the parents are right there, ignoring this, what would you do? Trying to strike up a conversation about how their daughter is threatening other children right in front of them seems like a recipe for disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Do her parents look like they'd beat you up if you spoke to either them or the girl? 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Have you talked to the parents of the girl who is problematic? Can you start playing games that include parents for a while? I'd tell a couple other parents and see if they will play too. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I find it bizarre her parents are there the entire time. I would consider talking to them. That said, if you are going to keep going I would be having regular conversations to your child about it. It took a number of years but my kids are so much better now about calling other kids directly on their bad behavior or just plain ignoring or disengaging. We role play and we talk about why a kid like that might act that way. Maybe her home life isn't happy. Maybe she doesn't feel good about herself, etc. My dd especially is very sensitive. She dances 5 days a week with a generally nice group of girls but there is drama and occasional mean girl stuff. I'm not sure dd would still be dancing if we didn't actively work on these skills. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tm919 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Do her parents look like they'd beat you up if you spoke to either them or the girl? No, but they look like they are studiously ignoring the world. I wanted to try talking to them (I talk with every other parent there) but they sort of hunch over their cell phones doing texts or something... kind of "go away" body language. I also looked it up online and various sites said that if your child is being bullied (which honestly it looks like that to me), talking to the parents is usually a bad idea... but maybe that's just in a school context? Can you start playing games that include parents for a while? I'd tell a couple other parents and see if they will play too. Hmm, I've been hanging out closer to my older daughter while she plays, but weirdly they tend to play games that adults don't really fit into, like "Let's pretend to be rainbow alicorns that live under the water and have magical princess powers" (that's a real one). But I think they'd play with sidewalk chalk / bubbles / build a wall in t he sandbox if I brought the materials, and that could include adults, so I'll try that! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 If you are generally supervising, and there is other parents, I would step in for awhile. Try not to encroach on the kids fun or independence, but, be an authoritative presence and subtly but firmly pull the other child into line, helping to guide the activities. When the problem child says 'lets have a race with A, B, C rules' say, 'hold on, that's not very fair because ______, how about _____', and HOPEFULLY some of the other older kids will speak up and get on board with the idea. If they see a parent backing them up, they may be more prepared to be assertive themselves. When problem child picks on a child within earshot of you, say 'that wasn't very kind ____'. The aim isn't to take over or make the play structured, hopefully it would be to give the older kids confidence to stand up to this girl because they know they have an adults backing, and you can begin to step out again after a few weeks when the 7 and 8 year olds speak up a bit more. Think of it as modelling behaviour for them, and for your own kids, and as your kids learn to say things like you are saying, you can step out. As much as I hate parenting other peoples kids, I've learned that sometimes there's little choice other than giving up on a good thing, and those sorts of parents rarely complain, they seem to like it when someone else makes it their problem. I'm having issues at a group activity right now, and a few parents have begun stepping in and getting authoritative with others kids. We have found the parents of those kids are now, quite happily, stepping out and playing on their phones all session, almost like they were waiting for someone to do it. Not a good lesson, but it IS allowing us to make it a pleasant experience for the children. 26 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 In these kinds of situations, I usually try to say something the kid isn't expecting. Maybe I'd ask why she came to play here if she hated all the other kids. 30 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 The parents of other kids (not the mean girl) notice it too? I would start by talking to them, and ask everyone to be ready to step in to correct her and redirect. If multiple parents are doing it, not just you, the child may get the picture more quickly, and it might be harder for her parents to keep ignoring. So, when she bosses someone, a parent says "that's not a nice way to play. You may not order the younger kids around like that." "That is not a nice way to speak to the other kids." Then tell your child to walk away from her. "Come on honey, let's go play on the swings." Eventually the kids will just learn to walk away on their own. If she threatens another child with jail (!), challenge her. "What would your mother arrest her for? Should we go talk to your mother right now?" At that point, I'd approach the parents and tell them (even if you are pretty sure they can hear it themselves) what their daughter is saying. If they try to laugh it off, don't laugh but say "the younger kids don't think it's funny. She is upsetting/frightening them." It's awful when there is a mean kid at the park. We encountered one of those last summer when I was babysitting some kids. She responded pretty well when I challenged her. I think she wasn't used to being challenged. May be the same with the girl you're dealing with. ETAL Or, you could approach the parents more positively. If the child just started coming to the park, maybe they are new in the area. You could go up, interrupt their texting, introduce yourself, and ask if they are new to the neighborhood. You'll know better what you have to deal with by their response. 23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I would talk to the other parents and make an action plan on how the kids should respond. Is there an older kids there than her? It would be a great time to equip one of the older kids with leadership skills. If all the other kids act united and refuse to play her way than they can ignore her. I would introduce myself to her parents and talk to them casually first before I told them about their kid's nastiness which they choose to ignore. Good luck that is a hard situation. At least she is not your next door neighbor! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeAgain Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I think you may need to be, and teach how to be, more assertive. Say exactly what you mean, with an emphasis on your child's rights beginning where hers end. Be defensive.Forget being sugary or nice. Be firm. Tell her to cut it out. Tell the parents their daughter is making children miserable. Every time. Sometimes, you just have to be blunt to get through. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I think you may need to be, and teach how to be, more assertive. Say exactly what you mean, with an emphasis on your child's rights beginning where hers end. Be defensive. Forget being sugary or nice. Be firm. Tell her to cut it out. Tell the parents their daughter is making children miserable. Every time. Sometimes, you just have to be blunt to get through. :iagree: The rest of y'all are being way too nice, lol. These are young children who still need their parents' protection from children who are not being raised properly by their own parents. OP, of course you should step in and say something rather than expecting the children to work it out themselves. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 The parents of other kids (not the mean girl) notice it too? I would start by talking to them, and ask everyone to be ready to step in to correct her and redirect. If multiple parents are doing it, not just you, the child may get the picture more quickly, and it might be harder for her parents to keep ignoring. So, when she bosses someone, a parent says "that's not a nice way to play. You may not order the younger kids around like that." "That is not a nice way to speak to the other kids." Then tell your child to walk away from her. "Come on honey, let's go play on the swings." Eventually the kids will just learn to walk away on their own. If she threatens another child with jail (!), challenge her. "What would your mother arrest her for? Should we go talk to your mother right now?" At that point, I'd approach the parents and tell them (even if you are pretty sure they can hear it themselves) what their daughter is saying. If they try to laugh it off, don't laugh but say "the younger kids don't think it's funny. She is upsetting/frightening them." It's awful when there is a mean kid at the park. We encountered one of those last summer when I was babysitting some kids. She responded pretty well when I challenged her. I think she wasn't used to being challenged. May be the same with the girl you're dealing with. ETA: Or, you could approach the parents more positively. If the child just started coming to the park, maybe they are new in the area. You could go up, interrupt their texting, introduce yourself, and ask if they are new to the neighborhood. You'll know better what you have to deal with by their response. These are great suggestions. Please don't think you'll have to find a new playground just because one rude little girl has been visiting for a week! A group of terrific little playmates from good families in a lovely, nearby location -- that setup is way too much to lose. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 It's good that you and the other parents are addressing the girl and stepping in, but it doesn't make much sense that everyone's afraid to also address her parents when they're right there. Why would talking to them be a recipe for disaster? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Though as I said I encourage you to continue to work with your child on navigating these waters, I'm also all for stepping in. I think of that as modeling reactions for your kids to bad behavoir. Your kids will pick up on not tolerating this garbage and it will serve them well in the future. I would also report to her parents every time you step in. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sk8ermaiden Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I have no problem parenting kids in that situation. "The equipment is for everyone." "You may not say that to her." "We don't threaten people." Most kids like that are Really! Shocked! When someone actually tells them to cut it out, but I haven't had it go badly yet. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tm919 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Thank you all! I knew I could get some wisdom here. I guess I've been spoiled by having such a great group for years... whenever there was a difficult child (and some children are a handful! mine have had their moments) their parents were very proactive in helping them stop. I will be using some of your responses! I'm really not assertive enough when it comes to children because most children are sweet and/or their parents keep a good watch on them. I think I probably have been thinking the wrong way about the parents too. I was thinking that they didn't believe in disciplining children or reprimanding them, like maybe they want her to experience the natural consequence of her behavior (although I don't see how seeing other children run burst into tears and run away when you arrive is a good thing for any child to experience...). Mostly I assumed they had some strong belief about not disciplining because they are sitting right there watching this... and that might have been the wrong assumption. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasc Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I have no problem parenting kids in that situation. "The equipment is for everyone." "You may not say that to her." "We don't threaten people." Most kids like that are Really! Shocked! When someone actually tells them to cut it out, but I haven't had it go badly yet. This. |^^^^ I say stuff like this. I'll admit that I don't care much for parent-to-parent confrontation (had a BAD experience with that once), but I absolutely won't allow a child to ruin everyone's time at a public playground. And I agree with a PP, this setup is way too good to give up...don't stop going! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I have no problem parenting kids in that situation. "The equipment is for everyone." "You may not say that to her." "We don't threaten people." Most kids like that are Really! Shocked! When someone actually tells them to cut it out, but I haven't had it go badly yet. Absolutely agree! I wouldn't be hesitant in the slightest, and I have done it many times. I think I probably have been thinking the wrong way about the parents too. I was thinking that they didn't believe in disciplining children or reprimanding them, like maybe they want her to experience the natural consequence of her behavior (although I don't see how seeing other children run burst into tears and run away when you arrive is a good thing for any child to experience...). Mostly I assumed they had some strong belief about not disciplining because they are sitting right there watching this... and that might have been the wrong assumption. Honestly, I wouldn't care one bit what their beliefs about disciplining were. If they want to let her eat cupcakes and Coca~Cola for lunch, fine, that's not my business. The minute she starts yelling at my kid, I'm on it. I don't think it's reasonable to expect your dd to 'ignore' a mean, bossy, shrieking whirlwind of unpleasantness. Even if I believed in a completely hands-off approach for age peers, an 8-yr-old picking on a 4-yr-old is beyond outrageous in my book. She's 4, she needs protecting. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I think I probably have been thinking the wrong way about the parents too. I was thinking that they didn't believe in disciplining children or reprimanding them, like maybe they want her to experience the natural consequence of her behavior (although I don't see how seeing other children run burst into tears and run away when you arrive is a good thing for any child to experience...). Mostly I assumed they had some strong belief about not disciplining because they are sitting right there watching this... and that might have been the wrong assumption. They might have that kind of parenting philosophy, and if I was in your shoes I wouldn't care one bit. You've done everything else you can possibly do, so it's time to tell them to handle it. Be firm and persistent. If they try to brush it off because they're busy FBing on their phones or whatever, go up to them every single time their kid is mean and say, "Excuse me, your child is bullying the other kids again." Then stand there staring at them until they do something. They'll either start parenting, or they'll quit bringing her to the park. Either way, the problem is solved. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Absolutely agree! I wouldn't be hesitant in the slightest, and I have done it many times. Honestly, I wouldn't care one bit what their beliefs about disciplining were. If they want to let her eat cupcakes and Coca~Cola for lunch, fine, that's not my business. The minute she starts yelling at my kid, I'm on it. I don't think it's reasonable to expect your dd to 'ignore' a mean, bossy, shrieking whirlwind of unpleasantness. Even if I believed in a completely hands-off approach for age peers, an 8-yr-old picking on a 4-yr-old is beyond outrageous in my book. She's 4, she needs protecting. I think a hands-off approach is great in certain situations: kids who are close to the same age, and/or kids who know each other, and parents who agree with that approach but are watchful and ready to step in if needed. This situation doesn't call for that. This girl is older and is unknown to the rest of the group. She's misbehaving and the younger kids need help dealing with it. But it doesn't matter what these folks' philosophy about child discipline is, or what you think it might be. You are being driven off a beloved playground. You can fight for it, or not. (Don't mean to sound harsh; I know it's hard. But, what's your alternative?) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 They might have that kind of parenting philosophy, and if I was in your shoes I wouldn't care one bit. You've done everything else you can possibly do, so it's time to tell them to handle it. Be firm and persistent. If they try to brush it off because they're busy FBing on their phones or whatever, go up to them every single time their kid is mean and say, "Excuse me, your child is bullying the other kids again." Then stand there staring at them until they do something. They'll either start parenting, or they'll quit bringing her to the park. Either way, the problem is solved. Exactly. The worst that could happen is that they get pi$$y and leave, which still solves the problem. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 This really doesn't address the issue but the child may, in part, be bossy because she is seeking the attention of her parents. I have seen this in play groups in the past. The child realizes that other parents are watching, paying attention, maybe smiling at their own kids, but the child realizes their own parent isn't looking at all, doesn't seem to care at all. They start behaving in ways to try to gain attention or initiate behaviors that help them feel more in control of their situation instead of alone and ignored. I have found that reaching out and providing some scaffolding and support, along with firm boundaries, can sometimes help. I agree with the advice up thread. Be proactive, step in when she is being agressive/rude/creating unfair rules/etc. Maybe even be more proactive and start a game with the kids that includes this girl. Teach them all how to play it and what the rules are. Provide some scaffolding. It may take time for her to learn that the other kids are not the enemy. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 :iagree: The rest of y'all are being way too nice, lol. These are young children who still need their parents' protection from children who are not being raised properly by their own parents. OP, of course you should step in and say something rather than expecting the children to work it out themselves. I agree. One other thing I've done (not THE answer, but one idea). . . is that I physically stay very near my child or put myself literally between the bully and my kid. Sometimes I don't need to say anything: the bully feels weird -- I think -- having an adult in the "space bubble" and backs off. Sometimes I've just quietly made eye contact. But, like you, I often feel badly for the bully too. Something is wrong w/ how the parents are handling the kids. If the parents aren't going to freak out on you and become violent (in other words, they're relatively normal) I would start a conversation about the problem, Btw, are both parents always there. One of them isn't at work? Alley 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Is it typical for parents to freak out and become violent just because you speak to them about their kids? I think that's a pretty far-fetched concern. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 The little girl said her mom is a police officer. If true (which it may or may not be), maybe mom is just worn out from policing at work and doesn't want to police at home. Which doesn't make things right... just throwing that thought out there as far as "why mom may be standing there not interfering". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Is it typical for parents to freak out and become violent just because you speak to them about their kids? I think that's a pretty far-fetched concern. I knew a boy once who was doing some things that really made the other kids not want to play w/ him. I tried -- super kindly -- to explain to his mom what was happening and how relatively easily it could be fixed. I'd thought she and I had a great rapport. I felt very comfortable talking w/ her. I was trying to be very positive. I cared about the boy. The mom started saying in a poor me kind of way, "I guess we're just a messed up family!!" Half whining and half semi-screeching. I was sort of stunned. I hadn't meant for that outcome! So "far fetched" sounds far fetched to me. Some parents are totally cool getting feedback on their kids. Plenty are not. Alley 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Could you and the other parents share info and plan to let your kids play at each other's yards/houses for a while? Avoid the park for now. I hate confrontations and would perfer to run and hide in thsi situation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I knew a boy once who was doing some things that really made the other kids not want to play w/ him. I tried -- super kindly -- to explain to his mom what was happening and how relatively easily it could be fixed. I'd thought she and I had a great rapport. I felt very comfortable talking w/ her. I was trying to be very positive. I cared about the boy. The mom started saying in a poor me kind of way, "I guess we're just a messed up family!!" Half whining and half semi-screeching. I was sort of stunned. I hadn't meant for that outcome! So "far fetched" sounds far fetched to me. Some parents are totally cool getting feedback on their kids. Plenty are not. Alley My "far-fetched" comment specifically referred to violence, not just a negative reaction. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Be right there, ready to say (loud enough for parent to hear), "Stop saying that, it isn't nice." "Don't talk that way to my daughter." "No, that's not true." Etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 is it possible that the child is a foster child and on an access visit? The reason I ask is that the twins have their access visits at a playground in various parks. Last time one started punching another child and birth father was actually proud and said he was just having some fun with another kid :glare: :scared: :mad: :mad: Case manager told me that father has a history of punching up random people. :eek: While there at the access visit I thought if only all the other parents at the park knew what type of people were there they would take their children and run. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 This is what my husband has done on similar occasions. He has just swooped right in there and started leading play-time for awhile. He'd make it really fun, and the kids always loved it. He'd include the bully. In fact, he'd probably ask her to be his partner. While doing so, he would let her know what was nice, and was wasn't, matter-of-factly. "No, you can't talk to the other kids that way. That's not nice and they won't want to play with you anymore. This is a better way." Often, it worked. Usually, the parent didn't care at all, and was probably relieved. But of course that's extra work on your or another parent's part, and you may not feel comfortable in that role. Just another possible approach to a difficult situation. :grouphug: 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 is it possible that the child is a foster child and on an access visit? The reason I ask is that the twins have their access visits at a playground in various parks. Last time one started punching another child and birth father was actually proud and said he was just having some fun with another kid :glare: :scared: :mad: :mad: Case manager told me that father has a history of punching up random people. :eek: While there at the access visit I thought if only all the other parents at the park knew what type of people were there they would take their children and run. Off topic, and honest question.... how do you deal with that as the 'parent' to the boys? Do you treat the bio dad as you might, say, an uncle and go discipline the boy in front of him, even while he supports the child's actions? Or do you step back for those few hours the child is with the bio parent, since they, technically, are still the parents until you get permanent guardianship? I've thought about fostering more than once and I'm genuinely curious how these dynamics get handled. I knew a boy who was placed with a family his whole life, but for a month or two every couple of years he would end up living with his bio mum (unsure the reasons or dynamics here, or even if it was child service ordered or voluntary, we were kids, I never asked) and I've often thought it must have been so hard for his foster parents, who had had him basically since birth, to deal with the bio mum still being in the picture with very different standards and ideas. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 In these kinds of situations, I usually try to say something the kid isn't expecting. Maybe I'd ask why she came to play here if she hated all the other kids. :lol: Love. (b/c the Like button wasn't enough) A firm "You will not ____ to my child!" And get into that space bubble. If you and the other moms are chatting, chat closer to the play. Take turns giving out those "evil-eyes" when behavior begins to sway even a smidge. Pull the confrontation from child-to-child towards bully-to-parent, and let her know through experience that every.single.time she tries to brow-beat your children, the Momma-Bears will come out and disengage the play. "My child is not allowed to play with you anymore today." And, then go lead some very fun games with bubbles and balls and frisbees, and if pressed to cave in about her playing along you can tell her that maybe tomorrow if she is kind. I taught my children to put out their hand and shout STOP and BACK OFF. We role-played that through possible scenarios. I knew if one of my kids shouted BACK OFF, I needed to go see what was going on asap b/c they didn't use it lightly. Often, their shout was enough to end the disturbing behavior, but a time or two I've had to intervene. Meanwhile, be 100% certain that your children are not mimicking this bad behavior in any way shape or form. Worse than having a pushy playmate, is becoming one. Those things can be contagious. :grouphug: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I taught my children to put out their hand and shout STOP and BACK OFF. We role-played that through possible scenarios. I knew if one of my kids shouted BACK OFF, I needed to go see what was going on asap b/c they didn't use it lightly. Often, their shout was enough to end the disturbing behavior, but a time or two I've had to intervene. Role-play is extremely valuable. It would be even more powerful if the OP and a few of the other parents would teach their children the same actions and key phrases. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I have had to talk to parents before, since I am not OK with other kids hitting mine, throwing sand at them, kicking their toys, breaking their sand creations etc etc. I have done it respectfully, but very straightforward. I usually ask the kid a couple times, "you are more than welcome to join us if we can all play nicely" type of approach. If the kid ignores it then I just go straight to the adult in charge. Yes, I feel bad disrupting their cell phone time, but I mean....sorry, don't have the tolerance to put up with their kids behavior. I would talk to the parents, telling them explicit examples, and even letting them know that she is using the "my parent works for the police" as a threat to other kids. It might not be the most comfortable conversation, but handled properly could (hopefully would) take care of the problem? It would not be fair for your kids to lose their friends and park time because of this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tm919 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 is it possible that the child is a foster child and on an access visit? The reason I ask is that the twins have their access visits at a playground in various parks. Last time one started punching another child and birth father was actually proud and said he was just having some fun with another kid :glare: :scared: :mad: :mad: Case manager told me that father has a history of punching up random people. :eek: While there at the access visit I thought if only all the other parents at the park knew what type of people were there they would take their children and run. Ugh, I hate to admit it but I have contemplated she might be adopted and a troubled life before adoption might have contributed to her behavior... mostly because her parents don't look anything like her and seem almost old enough to be my parents (and I'm in my 30s!). She does call them mom and dad. My mind went to that because I'm adopted... I was less than 1 when adopted and it still wasn't a super easy transition I'm told. About whether both parents are there, all but one time they were. Once it was just the father. The word is (from someone else overhearing them) that they are looking for a nanny so this all might be temporary (they might get a nanny who really lays down the law)... but maybe not. We'll give it a try this week! Thank you all for the help. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Off topic, and honest question.... how do you deal with that as the 'parent' to the boys? Do you treat the bio dad as you might, say, an uncle and go discipline the boy in front of him, even while he supports the child's actions? Or do you step back for those few hours the child is with the bio parent, since they, technically, are still the parents until you get permanent guardianship? I've thought about fostering more than once and I'm genuinely curious how these dynamics get handled. I knew a boy who was placed with a family his whole life, but for a month or two every couple of years he would end up living with his bio mum (unsure the reasons or dynamics here, or even if it was child service ordered or voluntary, we were kids, I never asked) and I've often thought it must have been so hard for his foster parents, who had had him basically since birth, to deal with the bio mum still being in the picture with very different standards and ideas. In that situation I told child gently that we do not punch. I During access visit I am meant to be on the side, the safe person for twins to come to if they are feeling unsafe, but not actively participating in the play All access visits with twins are currently supervised by DHS caseworker. Caseworker took bio dad aside for a chat. I have ben told that after we get guardianship that access visits will possibly be unsupervised. I am really hoping not, bio parents are not the type of people I want to be around alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 This is what my husband has done on similar occasions. He has just swooped right in there and started leading play-time for awhile. He'd make it really fun, and the kids always loved it. He'd include the bully. In fact, he'd probably ask her to be his partner. While doing so, he would let her know what was nice, and was wasn't, matter-of-factly. "No, you can't talk to the other kids that way. That's not nice and they won't want to play with you anymore. This is a better way." Often, it worked. Usually, the parent didn't care at all, and was probably relieved. But of course that's extra work on your or another parent's part, and you may not feel comfortable in that role. Just another possible approach to a difficult situation. :grouphug: This is what I have done, and now my 13 yr old dd would do. We have taught our kids that if someone is being mean, there is usually a reason that they are feeling bad and that is what makes them lash out. We try to include them first, but let them know that you can't play if you are going to be mean. That usually weeds out the troubled kids from the kids that are just trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 In that situation I told child gently that we do not punch. I During access visit I am meant to be on the side, the safe person for twins to come to if they are feeling unsafe, but not actively participating in the play All access visits with twins are currently supervised by DHS caseworker. Caseworker took bio dad aside for a chat. I have ben told that after we get guardianship that access visits will possibly be unsupervised. I am really hoping not, bio parents are not the type of people I want to be around alone. Thanks for taking the time to answer :) That's great that the caseworker was there and took him aside lol.... I hope you can push for visits to remain supervised! The bits and pieces you've mentioned on the forum definitely don't make the bio parents sound like people you want to be around alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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