SparklyUnicorn Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 If you're going to feel bad anyway, it's better to feel bad in the comfort of your own home, keeping your children safe from emotional scars, and with thousands of extra dollars in your pocket. You'll be giving her to gift of badmouth ing her DIL. Everybody wins. that's a good point hehe 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I wouldn't go now, or ever. I would not let my kids go. I don't care who a person is, I don't tolerate the behavior you are describing. I don't subject my kids to it. I honestly think that if someone is that mean and nasty, he or she *should* be alone and unvisited, even when old. The "family" thing gives too many heinous people a pass to keep acting like jerks. I feel so bad about your situation, but I would just brace myself and refuse to go. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 On no way shape or form would I go into debt to visit someone who was a jerk and who wouldn't come visit me. Nope. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Don't go. If you do, cuss her out in English. If she can do it in German, you can do it in English. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Don't go. If you do, cuss her out in English. If she can do it in German, you can do it in English. yeah really...I like this idea...might be quite entertaining the kids would be constantly laughing 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I hope this doesn't sound super mean, but I have to say it. I cannot believe your husband tolerates that and makes you play along. You should absolutely not feel obligated to go. Sounds like she doesn't even want you there. having come from something similar - when you grow up with this , you think it's normal and it takes conscious effort to retrain your thinking to recognize this is wrong - and intolerable. he explains everything in this totally positive way "I don't think she means badly" "When she says you are doing it wrong I think she means she wants to help." Ummm NOOOO That is not how it is. Good grief. LOL as I was saying . . . . . . (trying to make you laugh...) IMO, that actually sounds kinds nice! FIll your room and closets with the heaviest things you can find. Let her lock herslef in for an entire week, and ENJOY! And so so sorry this is your situation. :grouphug: my mil would find a way to get around it. seriously. she was living with us one year, and we came home from a short vacation, just us and baby after four days. all of our bedroom furniture was in pieces in the living room. ALL of it. our closets had been emptied. she came running outside when we drove up yelling we weren't supposed to be home yet. (we came home a day early). she was "cleaning" . . . . . uh huh. she's nuts. to think I've come to be able to appreciate her in some areas. but then, she's in a wheelchair and can't rearrange my house. (her physical infirmity was the ONLY thing that stopped her. and she's getting around in her wheelchair well enough to still cause some havoc. just not as much. and it's not my house. ;D) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Oh yeah to him that's just mom being mom. It's funny how he explains away what she says. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 If you're going to feel bad anyway, it's better to feel bad in the comfort of your own home, keeping your children safe from emotional scars, and with thousands of extra dollars in your pocket. You'll be giving her to gift of badmouth ing her DIL. Everybody wins. :smilielol5: there was one day I was so fed up with mil, (she was living with us) and was trying to be positive. I told her I was so glad I met her need to have someone to be angry at. for 30 MINUTES she ranted and stormed about how she doesn't like being angry . . .yadda. . .. yadda . . . yadda . . . . I just sat on the couch and laughed. it was actually surprisingly relaxing. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 :smilielol5: there was one day I was so fed up with mil, (she was living with us) and was trying to be positive. I told her I was so glad I met her need to have someone to be angry at. for 30 MINUTES she ranted and stormed about how she doesn't like being angry . . .yadda. . .. yadda . . . yadda . . . . I just sat on the couch and laughed. it was actually surprisingly relaxing. hah..hilaroius a huge reason I didn't want to learn how to speak German i already understand too much of what she says 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 :grouphug: IAWY. Send your dh alone. Remind him how wonderful it will be not having that debt hanging like a stormcloud over your life. You are not alone. (Says the woman who received an open scotch-brite pad and a potato peeler from her inlaws last Christmas. :confused1: ) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Next time he says that I'd be tempted to respond with something like, "That's true you can't. But what you can pick is the kind of relationship you have with them, and how often you have contact with them." Okay, so I saw that this is a vent and a JAWM. Feel free to ignore or shoot down my recommendation. Learn a few general phrases that would be appropriately sarcastic responses to the kinds of things she says to and about you. Pull them out and use them when you know what she said. Learn one or two pat responses that could be said regardless of her comments. Say all of them as though you're shocked - shocked! - that she would talk to her husband's wife/the mother of her grandchildren/a guest in her home/anyone who breathes, in that manner. Some examples: --I can't believe you just said that to my face. --What a rude thing to say/do. --Are you this mean to everyone or only the people in your family (or who married one of your sons, or married one of your children)? --It always makes me feel better knowing I only hear this verbal abuse once a year (or however often you visit). And if she says things to or about any of the kids - -I am their mother, not you. You do not have the right to treat them that way. Please stop. ...And a few others like that. Even if you repeat the same one or two comments over and over, she'll get the message that she isn't the queen bee she thinks she is. They might sound mean, but they would only be mean/rude if they weren't in response to her repeated mistreatment of you. If nothing else, maybe your dh will never again insist that you go with him to visit her. I doubt those sentences will be in your basic German-English phrase book, so get cracking and learn them! :D :laugh: I was thinking of the same advice, except I was thinking more along the lines of this: NFL player Marshawn Lynch who had to do a press conference (per his contract), even though he didn't want to: "I'm just here so I won't get fined." :) You could change your statement to something like: "I'm just here because I married your son." :coolgleamA: Sparkly, sorry that you're going through this. :grouphug: 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Oh yeah to him that's just mom being mom. It's funny how he explains away what she says. The way to counter the "that's just the way she is" excuse is to tell dh (or anyone using it) that not putting up with abuse is just the way YOU are. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 The way to counter the "that's just the way she is" excuse is to tell dh (or anyone using it) that not putting up with abuse is just the way YOU are. Um, that's awesome. I may have to steal that one. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 She sounds like a very bitter person who enjoys sharing that with you. Don't go. You and your kids don't need to be beat up by her. Instead, go treat yourselves to something nice (and probably way cheaper) and let your husband go visit. If your husband persists, just say: "Ich habe NEIN gesagt!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 yeah really...I like this idea...might be quite entertaining the kids would be constantly laughing First get Rosie and other Aussies and maybe Laura Corin to teach you new phrases. Aussie and British(ish) cussing is way more colorful and enjoyable, IMO! :) But really, I'm on team "Don't Go!" Your DH is a big boy and can go be abused all he wants. I'd frame it to him as if it were a stranger or someone he doesn't like speaking that way too you and the boys. Exact same words and sentiment - are they acceptable to him from anybody else, or just his mother? Would he want to protect you and the kids from the (fictitious) vindictive neighbor or grocery clerk? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Nein!!! is a very useful word. Let your husband go by himself. He can sleep at the sofa/settee or even rug at his brother's place easily if his mom gets overbearing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Do Not Go. If hubby feels the need, he can go himself. You stay home. Keep the kids home, too. Let the woman reap what she has sown. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Let the woman reap what she has sown. So much this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Team don't go. Tell DH he can go on MIL's dime if he chooses since she sent the money or you can all wait a few years until you save up enough money to go (which may take a reeeeaaaallllyyyy looooooonnnng tiiiiimmmme ;) ). Send the money she sent back to her and explain that you do not want to go into debt to make the trip but are saving up to go later on. Will your DH be hurt? Probably. But it doesn't make any sense whatsoever to borrow thousands of dollars to go on a trip you don't want to go on, then have to pay all that money back for a trip you probably hated. Wait a few years. Your kids will be old enough to stand up for themselves and maybe they can go to bat for you when she gets uppity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 :laugh: I was thinking of the same advice, except I was thinking more along the lines of this: NFL player Marshawn Lynch who had to do a press conference (per his contract), even though he didn't want to: "I'm just here so I won't get fined." :) You could change your statement to something like: "I'm just here because I married your son." :coolgleamA: Sparkly, sorry that you're going through this. :grouphug: the poor guy has social phobia - and they threatened him to go talk to the reporters. . . . . but he can play ball . . . . . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Do your sons want to see her? My paternal grandfather was horrible. My dad was an only and kept trying but he told all of us we didn't have to see the man. We all chose to keep seeing him out of respect and love for my dad. I can say now that I am very glad we made that decision as my dad passed before my grandfather. We had a relationship with the man because we knew it meant something to our dad who was amazing. The relationship didn't last long after our dad was gone but it was definitely all worth it in the end. If your sons don't want to go and your dh doesn't care, I would totally bow out. Otherwise, I might try to keep visiting since it is not frequent since she lives in another country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 the poor guy has social phobia - and they threatened him to go talk to the reporters. . . . . but he can play ball . . . . . My ds dreams of playing professional baseball, but he hates talking to people. He totally relates to this guy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 my mil would find a way to get around it. seriously. she was living with us one year, and we came home from a short vacation, just us and baby after four days. all of our bedroom furniture was in pieces in the living room. ALL of it. our closets had been emptied. she came running outside when we drove up yelling we weren't supposed to be home yet. (we came home a day early). she was "cleaning" . . . . . uh huh. she's nuts. to think I've come to be able to appreciate her in some areas. but then, she's in a wheelchair and can't rearrange my house. (her physical infirmity was the ONLY thing that stopped her. and she's getting around in her wheelchair well enough to still cause some havoc. just not as much. and it's not my house. ;D) What is it with mother in laws rearranging our houses to match theirs?! SERIOUSLY! I still remember the first time my MIL did it, I was like.... did you seriously just move my stuff for no other reason than that being how it is in your house? wtf? I was genuinely confused about what was going through her mind, I still don't get it. I guess I spent a lot of time at friends houses observing how everyone does things differently, and she has always been stuck in her ways? I just... don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Plead extreme poverty and tell her you can't make it this year - no money. Yup, can't get airfare out of a turnip, no matter how many hissy fits she throws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Well, coming from a person who spent thousands of dollars to visit her mil just this last April only to have her children yelled at and told that I'm a horrible mother who doesn't buy anything for my kids and doesn't care about them, I say skip it. It was not a fun experience and I don't recommend it to anyone. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I am going to be the voice of dissent here. I would go if my husband wanted me to especially since it is just every three years or so. It is good that you have told him how you feel though. Now you are in a better position to make the trip more bearable for you by planning activities without her some of the time. I made Ds go with his dad to see crazy XMIL. She truly is just as mean as a person can be. But she is 85 and it meant a lot to xh to have Ds along. The good news about these mean grandparents that the grandkids aren't close to......they aren't really affected by the crazy. Especially if they are near teen age. My Ds doesnt have a bond with her and he thought she was hilarious in her craziness. It is important that you discuss all of this with your kids before the trip....and tell them this is for their dad....a kindness to him since he lives so far from his mom and he loves her regardless of the crazy. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 There is no way I would go into debt to see someone who was that mean. If I could swing a family vacation to see what I wanted to see in that country and make a short visit, then I would. But, then again, I wouldn't go into debt to do that either. If your dh wants to see her, he can use the $$ she sent to make that happen. But I would not subject the rest of my family to that. Your dh says "That's just how she is." Well, he has a relationship with her that he uses to make excuses to himself so that it is tolerable. You don't have that relationship with her and you shouldn't have to tolerate it. I would take him to task for not standing up for you. If he couldn't stand up for you, then how could you trust him to stand up for the kids. Even if I had to tolerate such a visit, I would not put my kids in that situation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I am going to be the voice of dissent here. I would go if my husband wanted me to especially since it is just every three years or so. It is good that you have told him how you feel though. Now you are in a better position to make the trip more bearable for you by planning activities without her some of the time. I made Ds go with his dad to see crazy XMIL. She truly is just as mean as a person can be. But she is 85 and it meant a lot to xh to have Ds along. The good news about these mean grandparents that the grandkids aren't close to......they aren't really affected by the crazy. Especially if they are near teen age. My Ds doesnt have a bond with her and he thought she was hilarious in her craziness. It is important that you discuss all of this with your kids before the trip....and tell them this is for their dad....a kindness to him since he lives so far from his mom and he loves her regardless of the crazy. I will go, but I don't agree with this reasoning at all. I really do not think I should subject myself to this crap for any reason. I have no doubt my kids will leave there not being all that thrilled they went. It's just, as I said, I cannot win here. No matter what I decide, I will be miserable with the decision. Either I end up hurt, or I hurt my husband (and I'll still be hurt). So I'll, once again, hurt (just) myself. Which yes as I type this makes me realize how stupid this whole thing is, but I can't seem to come up with anything better to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 There is no way I would go into debt to see someone who was that mean. If I could swing a family vacation to see what I wanted to see in that country and make a short visit, then I would. But, then again, I wouldn't go into debt to do that either. If your dh wants to see her, he can use the $$ she sent to make that happen. But I would not subject the rest of my family to that. Your dh says "That's just how she is." Well, he has a relationship with her that he uses to make excuses to himself so that it is tolerable. You don't have that relationship with her and you shouldn't have to tolerate it. I would take him to task for not standing up for you. If he couldn't stand up for you, then how could you trust him to stand up for the kids. Even if I had to tolerate such a visit, I would not put my kids in that situation. The debt is the least of my concerns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 :grouphug: IAWY. Send your dh alone. Remind him how wonderful it will be not having that debt hanging like a stormcloud over your life. You are not alone. (Says the woman who received an open scotch-brite pad and a potato peeler from her inlaws last Christmas. :confused1: ) I received a clothes hanger that doubles as a passport holder? There's a super great episode from SNL about gifts from CVS and it is so perfect. I joke I'm going to get him some CVS gift but I don't want to bother. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Oh and he did stand up for me the last time. She reacted by locking herself into our bedroom for days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Oh and he did stand up for me the last time. She reacted by locking herself into our bedroom for days. This is not a person I would be willing to spend thousands of dollars to visit. Or for my children to visit. I say send dh on his own. I do not believe you have to subject yourself and your kids to her behavior. (My MIL has Borderline Personality Disorder so I know of which I speak.) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I will go, but I don't agree with this reasoning at all. I really do not think I should subject myself to this crap for any reason. I have no doubt my kids will leave there not being all that thrilled they went. It's just, as I said, I cannot win here. No matter what I decide, I will be miserable with the decision. Either I end up hurt, or I hurt my husband (and I'll still be hurt). So I'll, once again, hurt (just) myself. Which yes as I type this makes me realize how stupid this whole thing is, but I can't seem to come up with anything better to do. I understand what you're saying, really, I do. But - does your dh understand that going there hurts you? Why is he asking you to do that? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I will go, but I don't agree with this reasoning at all. I really do not think I should subject myself to this crap for any reason. I have no doubt my kids will leave there not being all that thrilled they went. It's just, as I said, I cannot win here. No matter what I decide, I will be miserable with the decision. Either I end up hurt, or I hurt my husband (and I'll still be hurt). So I'll, once again, hurt (just) myself. Which yes as I type this makes me realize how stupid this whole thing is, but I can't seem to come up with anything better to do. I think your situation is the pits. I'm in a lesser one but my thinking is: if I go because DH is really wanting me even though I don't want to and I feel forced to go, it will actually negatively impact my marriage. I will feel resentful towards DH, right or wrong. And maybe it's better for us for DH to be a little upset than me to get more resentful as this pattern has gone on since we've been married and I'm getting close to kicking them (ILs) out of my life and being resentful to DH. Meeting with ILs impacts me looooooong after the visit and every call/text/whatever makes me remember and I'm upset all over again if I let DH convince me to visit. And mine aren't even intentionally mean so I have no say compared to your situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I will go, but I don't agree with this reasoning at all. I really do not think I should subject myself to this crap for any reason. I have no doubt my kids will leave there not being all that thrilled they went. It's just, as I said, I cannot win here. No matter what I decide, I will be miserable with the decision. Either I end up hurt, or I hurt my husband (and I'll still be hurt). So I'll, once again, hurt (just) myself. Which yes as I type this makes me realize how stupid this whole thing is, but I can't seem to come up with anything better to do. I am pretty sure you you just went in a big circle and came back to agree with me. :) Just be sure and talk to you kids before the trip. Try to enjoy the trip to Germany (is that right?)....make it fun and make her background noise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparrowsNest Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Next time he says that I'd be tempted to respond with something like, "That's true you can't. But what you can pick is the kind of relationship you have with them, and how often you have contact with them." Okay, so I saw that this is a vent and a JAWM. Feel free to ignore or shoot down my recommendation. Learn a few general phrases that would be appropriately sarcastic responses to the kinds of things she says to and about you. Pull them out and use them when you know what she said. Learn one or two pat responses that could be said regardless of her comments. Say all of them as though you're shocked - shocked! - that she would talk to her husband's wife/the mother of her grandchildren/a guest in her home/anyone who breathes, in that manner. Some examples: --I can't believe you just said that to my face. --What a rude thing to say/do. --Are you this mean to everyone or only the people in your family (or who married one of your sons, or married one of your children)? --It always makes me feel better knowing I only hear this verbal abuse once a year (or however often you visit). And if she says things to or about any of the kids - -I am their mother, not you. You do not have the right to treat them that way. Please stop. ...And a few others like that. Even if you repeat the same one or two comments over and over, she'll get the message that she isn't the queen bee she thinks she is. They might sound mean, but they would only be mean/rude if they weren't in response to her repeated mistreatment of you. If nothing else, maybe your dh will never again insist that you go with him to visit her. I doubt those sentences will be in your basic German-English phrase book, so get cracking and learn them! :D Statements like this would definitely stop a normal person in their tracks. I hope Sparkly's MIL is a decent person who is just thoughtlessly unkind. Those people are out there and perhaps she could be snapped back to right thinking by being confronted with just how ugly her words can be. Unfortunately, however, in my experience, these techniques are ineffective against a truly cruel person. There is no way to win against a person who has no rules. They believe that they are incapable of doing wrong. They have no sense of shame, and they are not affected by being told they have hurt you, have hurt your children, have hurt your husband, have acted rudely, are out of line, have no right to behave as they do, or anything else you can think up. Telling them they are rude or cruel or abusive is simply YOU abusing THEM. Or, they will certainly have no problem accusing you of 'misinterpreting' their actions, which were only meant to convey concern, love, a desire to be together, etc. Or, they conveniently 'forget' hurtful things they said and gaslight you, "I would never say that, why do you make up ugly stories about me? I open my house to you and you accuse ME of things like that?! All I've ever tired to do is love you." I could give many more examples, sadly. Hopefully I am projecting too much of my own experience on Sparkly's situation. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I am pretty sure you you just went in a big circle and came back to agree with me. :) Just be sure and talk to you kids before the trip. Try to enjoy the trip to Germany (is that right?)....make it fun and make her background noise. I don't agree. I've just decided this is not a done deal. I really think I need to talk to him more about this because everything he has said to me regarding this just is not right. He made some comment to me that all along he thinks she has meant well, but it just comes out wrong. An example was if she says, "You are doing it all wrong." she really means, "Let me help you." This is absurd. Everyone sometimes says stuff and it comes out wrong. But what is he saying? She has a speech impediment and EVERYTHING she says comes out wrong? This is not a reasonable explanation for her behavior. I certainly could get over her being less than ideal. But this goes WAY beyond that. I will not enjoy such a trip. I've been there 14 times. Except for the time I did NOT have to spend near her, I didn't enjoy it. She is not background noise. She is a narcissistic, self centered, and cruel person. But thank you for helping me see this more clearly. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I hope Sparkly's MIL is a decent person who is just thoughtlessly unkind. nope, she is not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I'll go one better--dd got a cardboard BOX one year! A used cardboard box!!! And I got a dirty, chipped coffee mug. That was the year that she called me up and yelled at me that I hadn't gotten her anything for Christmas. I pointed out that I'd given her 3 nice boxes of stationery and some pens, along with $50 worth of postage... Nope, those were from dh, NOT from me and she wasn't going to send me a thank you note. Whatever. She sends us gifts. Fairly decent gifts. But I honestly feel it is because she wants to see herself in a good light. She wants to appear as "giving". She holds these things over our head all the time. And if we don't get her a good enough gift, she let's us know about it (I mean who does that?!). Except, what she has done several times is completely forget she has 2 grandchildren. She showers the first, and completely forgets about the second or clearly spends far more on the first. I don't care, but kids notice stuff like that. How do I explain that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Eh at least I have something to talk about at the next therapy session. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 What happens if you say "Damn, that was so effing rude!! What is wrong with you that you have to be so nasty? This is why we don't visit more often!!!"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 What happens if you say "Damn, that was so effing rude!! What is wrong with you that you have to be so nasty? This is why we don't visit more often!!!"? She does not speak English. And my German isn't good enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 She does not speak English. And my German isn't good enough. You don't think you could use body language to get the point across? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I will go, but I don't agree with this reasoning at all. I really do not think I should subject myself to this crap for any reason. I have no doubt my kids will leave there not being all that thrilled they went. It's just, as I said, I cannot win here. No matter what I decide, I will be miserable with the decision. Either I end up hurt, or I hurt my husband (and I'll still be hurt). So I'll, once again, hurt (just) myself. Which yes as I type this makes me realize how stupid this whole thing is, but I can't seem to come up with anything better to do. Tough choice! How about a third option, which one will hurt vs. not hurt your children? I would go with that. Adults' feelings come far behind that, in my opinion. I take a very hard line about that. I decided early on after some bad behavior from relatives that my children's needs come first. And I decided one of their needs is to not be subjected to big bullies. ;) Best wishes in a tough situation! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 And yeah some here say oh just go and visit and do a bunch of stuff and stay away from her. Well here is the problem. Visiting her basically is the vacation. That is the purpose of going. Not that we won't do anything else, but the majority of the time will be spent with her. She would not have it any other way. And really we don't like doing tons and tons of stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Tough choice! How about a third option, which one will hurt vs. not hurt your children? I would go with that. Adults' feelings come far behind that, in my opinion. I take a very hard line about that. I decided early on after some bad behavior from relatives that my children's needs come first. And I decided one of their needs is to not be subjected to big bullies. ;) Best wishes in a tough situation! They don't remember her. We have seen her in between time without them. So it's been even longer for them. They probably see it as a fun time. And I have to say that is probably the one factor that makes me heavily consider going. I think it would be a nice opportunity for them. But I am worried about how she will be towards them. Last time they were there she completely took over as parent. That was not such a huge problem because they were little. Now that would be a huge problem. My parenting style is VERY different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 They don't remember her. We have seen her in between time without them. So it's been even longer for them. They probably see it as a fun time. And I have to say that is probably the one factor that makes me heavily consider going. I think it would be a nice opportunity for them. But I am worried about how she will be towards them. Last time they were there she completely took over as parent. That was not such a huge problem because they were little. Now that would be a huge problem. My parenting style is VERY different. No wonder this is a hard decision! I get it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 You don't think you could use body language to get the point across? No. I'm in a constant tense state when I'm near her. My body language is probably already messed up. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I don't think you should go this. Your hubby is a grown man and should not have excessive feelings over traveling alone to see his mom. If he does, just give him a dose of his own medicine and tell him that his feelings aren't a big deal. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 I don't think you should go this. Your hubby is a grown man and should not have excessive feelings over traveling alone to see his mom. If he does, just give him a dose of his own medicine and tell him that his feelings aren't a big deal. This might be how it has to be. I suspect he won't go without me though. He is usually very fair to me, but I have to say this is not being fair to me. He is not considering my feelings. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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