The Dreaded Call

[Liz CA]

That is so not helpful it isn't even funny.  

 

Just disregard. She may not have background info. I sometimes don't read all the pertinent info and put my foot in my mouth. I am sure no insult was intended.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, you are faithful. You and your dh have FAITHFULLY cared for your ILs. Don't let any doubt creep in.

 

They will adjust. This is better. I believe they'll physically feel the difference soon and come to like where they are. They're together- that's a blessing.

Thank you.  I do know that where they are now gives them better care than we can give them at home.  (And with three adults plus daily caretakers taking shifts, we weren't exactly slacking in the care department).  

[MicheleinMN]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly...you all may have to realize that you cannot communicate it to him if he does not even realize that his wife was suffering. This is the difficult part - when you know that they are in the best possible place but they think they been shipped off uncaringly. Staff at the facility may have suggestions how to deal with this since they encounter this all the time.

 

I'm having to have a mantra about his judgment being impaired by his Alzheimers because otherwise I get very angry about how inflexible and selfish that FIL is being.  

[Luckymama]

:grouphug:

[Susan in TN]

(((Jean)))  I'm sorry you are having to go through this - doing the right thing is often so very hard. 

[Mandylubug]

:grouphug: I cannot imagine!

[Laurie4b]

Sorry, Jean. Hang in there! :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

Dh is talking to SIL.  FIL just cannot understand that he was not able to take care of MIL.  He absolutely hated having home health care in his house too but we had to have them there.  The doctor was absolutely right in insisting on it.  But we quickly realized that home health care was still not enough.  FIL himself also needs help (though not as much as MIL needs) but cannot understand that.  Dh knows all this.  SIL knows it too.  But how to communicate that to FIL? That's the problem.  

 

you might not be able to get him to understand.  just keep reassuring him you love them both very much, but you need for them to be safe and well taken care of.

 

 

my mother was caring for her mother - and a minister from the church my grandmother would have atteneded, had she gone to church, (my mother was NOT religious) sat mom down, and explained to her that my grandmother needed so much care, it was the right thing to do to put her into a home.  that the physical and mental cost to my mother was too high a price, and God would not require her to make herself that sick to take care of her.  that getting professional help was taking care of her mother.

[NorthwestMom]

Jean, first of all, completely ignore ANYONE who has not attempted to care for someone with dementia, much less two people! THEY HAVE NO IDEA. Good job clearly stating your limits with your family. 

 

With FIL, you can't really explain anything to someone with dementia. They can't comprehend it. You just stick with the mantra of, "This is what the doctor thinks is best for you." and if FIL pushes back, tell him to talk to the doctor. He will probably forget.  People with Alzheimer's ARE inflexible because they can't process any new information. If FIL was inflexible before he had dementia, well, it's just going to be worse now, but it will be  a DIFFERENT inflexibility - different because it's not chosen. He can't help it. He is mind-blind to his situation. It is up to you and your Dh and his sister to make the healthiest possible choices for the inlaws since they cannot do it themselves, and then hold the line as they adjust.  They will both eventually adjust, I promise you. It may take a few weeks, but it will become their new normal.

 

(((Jean))

[Catwoman]

Sounds like when people drop their kids off at daycare (except of course this is more like an occasional-visit orphanage than a daycare, as they don't get to come home to people who love them every night). They'll get used to it! Well yes, kids get used to orphanages and daycares too, but I doubt it is ever the best solution.

 

At the beginning of your life your parents cared for you; at the end of their lives you care for them.

Wow. Harsh.

 

Could you possibly be any less supportive? :glare:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just had a long talk with SIL.  She's hoping to enlist the doctor specifically in this.  She did talk to ILs today and convinced them to stay through the week - until they meet with the doctor.  SIL said too that she cannot go back to doing what she was for them.  The stress on her was so great and she was so afraid that she would accidentally kill her mother by trying to do medical care (shots etc.) that she is not trained to do.  

[Catwoman]

Just had a long talk with SIL. She's hoping to enlist the doctor specifically in this. She did talk to ILs today and convinced them to stay through the week - until they meet with the doctor. SIL said too that she cannot go back to doing what she was for them. The stress on her was so great and she was so afraid that she would accidentally kill her mother by trying to do medical care (shots etc.) that she is not trained to do.

I think your SIL has a good plan, and I hope it works. Realistically, it has to work. There are no other viable options.

 

The good thing here is that you, your dh, and your SIL all seem to be on the same page, so you can present a united front to your in-laws. It would be so much harder if you weren't in agreement.

[lmrich]

Jean, 

You are taking care of them. You are giving them what they need. We can't just give what they want; they have needs that must be taken care of by professionals. It is a fact of life. Do not let anyone make you feel like you are not doing what is best for thier situation. I can only imagine how difficult it is for all of you. 

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I remember when my ds had to go to residential treatment. We could not provide what he needed at home, even with a home therapist, a day treatment program, and the help of the courts.

 

One night, I was saying goodbye to him in the parking lot of the treatment house (it was actually his third placement--the first, he ran from, the second, he maxed benefits from, and this was closer to home and a small, good program). We were looking at the stars.

 

He turned to me, and I hugged him tight. Then he said, "I just want to go home."

 

My heart tore.

 

In a moment, all the hopes for him, for him getting better, for the healing of our family, for the way things "should" be--all of that was spread before me, and I knew I had a choice. I could sign him out, deal with the courts, extract a promise from him,..but the moment passed, and I knew I had to say,

 

"I know. I wish you could come home, too. I love you so much. You are precious to me."

 

I held him a moment longer, and he smiled, and then he went back into the house, and I drove away.

 

You are doing the best you can for your in-laws. You are giving them what they need. You are being loving and kind, and doing the right thing.

 

One day, we'll all be Home, and no one will ever have to leave. Whole and healthy, hale and hearty, robed in beauty, clothed in light.

 

Hang on til then, dear Jean.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh and SIL told me that she was furious with her own husband who was just going to go and pick them up and take them home without talking to any of the rest of us.  Mind you, this is the BIL who has not lifted even a pinky to actually help us with any of this.  

[zoobie]

Echoing others. You're taking care of them still. :grouphug: Dementia is a terrible thing. He's going to be more agitated in an unfamiliar place at first. I hope the doctor's visit helps, but be prepared for him to suddenly think the doctor is a quack and become paranoid. From watching my parents deal with my grandmother, the earlier stages were roughest because she was physically stronger and mentally with it enough to fight everything. Like she was fighting to stay herself. Anyway, I hope the new arrangements work and everyone settles into their new routine.

 

:grouphug:

[lauraw4321]

Nights are always worse. It will take time but they will adjust. It isn't *home* yet. Visit them if/when you can.

 

Is it assisted living or independent living?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nights are always worse. It will take time but they will adjust. It isn't *home* yet. Visit them if/when you can.

 

Is it assisted living or independent living?

Neither.  Memory care.  They are not even able to do assisted living anymore.  I think it would have been best if they had gone into assisted living five years ago, had gotten used to the place somewhat and then transfered within the community but that ship has sailed.  

[IdahoHomeschooler]

Sounds like when people drop their kids off at daycare (except of course this is more like an occasional-visit orphanage than a daycare, as they don't get to come home to people who love them every night). They'll get used to it! Well yes, kids get used to orphanages and daycares too, but I doubt it is ever the best solution.

 

At the beginning of your life your parents cared for you; at the end of their lives you care for them.

They *are* caring for them. If they weren't, this wouldn't be an issue.

[lauraw4321]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean about wishing they had transitioned sooner. Everyone's life will improve when they adjust. Schedule and good nutrition alone make a huge difference. You are doing a good job.

[Melissa in Australia]

Sounds like when people drop their kids off at daycare (except of course this is more like an occasional-visit orphanage than a daycare, as they don't get to come home to people who love them every night).  They'll get used to it!  Well yes, kids get used to orphanages and daycares too, but I doubt it is ever the best solution.

 

At the beginning of your life your parents cared for you; at the end of their lives you care for them.  

 

So unkind - in fact downright nasty.

 you obviously have no idea how Jean has tried to take care of her IL's.

 You have no idea on how draining aged care is.

 

 

Sometimes it is best to not say anything if you do not have anything nice to say

 

[Melissa in Australia]

Jean   :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

[readwithem]

Neither.  Memory care.  They are not even able to do assisted living anymore.  I think it would have been best if they had gone into assisted living five years ago, had gotten used to the place somewhat and then transfered within the community but that ship has sailed.  

I wouldn't beat yourself up about this.  Their life in the memory unit will be very different than if they were in the assisted living unit.  And they were able to maintain their independence for as long as possible.

 

And you ARE caring for them by finding the best care for them, with trained professionals who know how to handle any situation as it arises.  This way, you (and SIL and other family members) get to enjoy the time you spend with them, rather than being rundown and resentful and stressed from caring for their every need.

 

And I agree with the ones who have said to leave them be, let them get adjusted, don't accept their phone calls, for a week or two.  Maybe talk with a SW or nurse or caregiver and let them help you decide when best to visit.

 

And remind yourself every day - you are doing the best you can with the best you have.

[Storygirl]

  FIL himself also needs help (though not as much as MIL needs) but cannot understand that.  Dh knows all this.  SIL knows it too.  But how to communicate that to FIL? That's the problem.  

 

 

I'm having to have a mantra about his judgment being impaired by his Alzheimers because otherwise I get very angry about how inflexible and selfish that FIL is being.  

 

There are so many things that are difficult about caring for someone with Alzheimer's, and this is a big one. You may not be able to get FIL to understand, no matter how many times you explain things. I know that you know this already, but sometimes it helps to hear it again -- he doesn't mean to come across as selfish and inflexible. It's part of the disease. He's not able to be otherwise.

 

I had endless conversations with Mom in which I stated and restated the same things dozens of times. I'm not kidding. She would ask the same questions repeatedly right in a row. So I would have to explain as patiently as I could ten times in fifteen minutes why she couldn't go home. There is a natural tendency to feel irritated with them, and I had to fight against it and just try to talk sweetly to her as if it were the very first time we had discussed it.. She would be very, very angry with me sometimes. Trying to get her to think in a different way or do things in a different way was a mostly fruitless effort. She had no ability to accept new things. I would get so frustrated and would have to remind myself that she essentially has brain damage and can no longer control her thoughts in the same way as before. The endless questions from her and the constant explanations needed from me were as wearing on me as was the physical burden of caring for her. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting.

 

I do hope that you and the rest of your family manage to take special care of yourselves. Doing so will help you be strong during the many times that you will need to draw on patience and understanding. I'll pray for you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are so many things that are difficult about caring for someone with Alzheimer's, and this is a big one. You may not be able to get FIL to understand, no matter how many times you explain things. I know that you know this already, but sometimes it helps to hear it again -- he doesn't mean to come across as selfish and inflexible. It's part of the disease. He's not able to be otherwise.

 

I had endless conversations with Mom in which I stated and restated the same things dozens of times. I'm not kidding. She would ask the same questions repeatedly right in a row. So I would have to explain as patiently as I could ten times in fifteen minutes why she couldn't go home. There is a natural tendency to feel irritated with them, and I had to fight against it and just try to talk sweetly to her as if it were the very first time we had discussed it.. She would be very, very angry with me sometimes. Trying to get her to think in a different way or do things in a different way was a mostly fruitless effort. She had no ability to accept new things. I would get so frustrated and would have to remind myself that she essentially has brain damage and can no longer control her thoughts in the same way as before. The endless questions from her and the constant explanations needed from me were as wearing on me as was the physical burden of caring for her. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting.

 

I do hope that you and the rest of your family manage to take special care of yourselves. Doing so will help you be strong during the many times that you will need to draw on patience and understanding. I'll pray for you.

Thank you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm pretty sure my mom told my grandpa 'tough cookies' by the end of it - after almost four years of caring for her mother and father, at home and in hospital, she was just done. He needed help and couldn't understand, and for us it turned out that loving grandpa best involved making a really tough choice to move his care.

 

There's no easy answers - I think your SIL is on the right track. I'm praying for your family!

Thank you.  

 

 

[texasmama]

I don't know how dh and SIL will decide to handle this. I just told dh about it and told him that if they do go and get them that I will no longer help out. It kills me to say that but I just can't do it.

(((Hugs))). I support you in this decision. I also understand.

[Jean in Newcastle]

(((Hugs))). I support you in this decision. I also understand.

Thank you.

 

The last two months were intensive care on shifts but really we've (not just dh and I and our kids but his sisters and their families) been providing care for years.   We've been taking them to doctor's appointments.  We've moved them five times to progressively easier homes.  We've done all the work on prepping and renting out their investment properties.  We've done the finances.  We've done the yardwork.  We've done the housekeeping.  We've provided daily phone calls to remind them to take meds.  We've gone searching for MIL multiple times during a "Silver Alert" even with a gps necklace on her.  We've gone through their fridge regularly because they were eating rotten food.  We've been taking meals to them for the past year ever since we walked in and smelled gas throughout the house because MIL put on the stove and didn't notice that it didn't light.  

[Harriet Vane]

Jean ((( )))

 

I'm glad your sil is on the same page.

 

Stand firm. 

 

No changes and no new decisions for six months. If all of you re-evaluate every day or even every week, you will be stressed and exhausted and give too much importance to small inconsequentials. Easier said than done, I know.

 

Praying . . .

[MomtoCandJ]

(Jean), you are doing what is best for them, you have exhausted all other options so it's not like you didn't try

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks, Harriet.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks, Melissa.  

[Angie in VA]

The last two months were intensive care on shifts but really we've (not just dh and I and our kids but his sisters and their families) been providing care for years. We've been taking them to doctor's appointments. We've moved them five times to progressively easier homes. We've done all the work on prepping and renting out their investment properties. We've done the finances. We've done the yardwork. We've done the housekeeping. We've provided daily phone calls to remind them to take meds. We've gone searching for MIL multiple times during a "Silver Alert" even with a gps necklace on her. We've gone through their fridge regularly because they were eating rotten food. We've been taking meals to them for the past year ever since we walked in and smelled gas throughout the house because MIL put on the stove and didn't notice that it didn't light.

Wow. And here I thought you all made the right decision *before* I knew any of this info.

 

(((Jean)))

[Jean in Newcastle]

Wow. And here I thought you all made the right decision *before* I knew any of this info.

 

(((Jean)))

Honestly, typing this out helped me to really see what we've done over time.  Obviously I knew we had done it but it slowly added up in intensity over time and you almost don't notice just how much it is until you look back and see it over time.  

[Mom in High Heels]

Oh Jean, I'm so sorry to hear this.  Change is hard for anyone, and I suspect it's even harder for older people to leave their familiar surroundings for an entirely new and unfamiliar place.  Hopefully they'll adjust soon.

[Anne]

(((Jean)))  Your family is walking a hard road - you have been faithful and now its time for the next step - this is a good decision made by an obviously caring family. 

 

Praying for you & your family ~

 

Anne

[texasmama]

Particularly when you are dealing with dementia, which is not a condition which at all allows for any reasoning, you have to make the best decisions you can.  It naturally relieves the elderly of some of their free will, and this is sad and hard for all involved.

 

I have contributed heavily in the past to the care of two grandparents and my mother, all of whom have passed on now.  I am currently contributing to the care of dh's grandmother, who has Alzheimers, and my dad, who requires a varied level of care depending on his current physical and mental status.  Right now he is completely independent.  At times he has required me to step in due to mental status changes.  I had to take him to the ER and ask for him to be placed in the lockdown psych ward at one point several years ago.  Even though I knew it was what he needed because he was not able to think correctly and had threatened to kill me and my family, I still woke up the next morning worried about him like he was a tiny baby and wracked with guilt.

 

With dh's grandmother with Alzheimers, it was a slow decline.  My dh and I provide 98% of the oversight of her care and the managing of her affairs.  I do all of the legal, financial and oversight of the medical decisions.  Dh has power of attorney, but I am the one carrying out the nuts and bolts of her affairs.  She is now in a memory care facility in the advanced stages of the disease, but prior to that it was a lot of phone calls, tearfulness, begging to be taken home, etc.  Even thought it is not a reasonable request and when she was home she was unsafe and afraid, it was still so hard for the family to hear her this way.

 

I think couples are even more difficult to deal with because you have two people who may be in very different stages of physical and mental decline who are making decisions as one unit.  I experienced this with my grandparents.  I took my grandmother to the doctor and explained all that was going on with her complete lack of self-care, and she was hospitalized and put in the nursing home wing of her facility, very much against my grandfather's will.  I was the one who explained to him why she needed to be there.  He cried.  How do you feel good about that?  It was what she needed, though.  It had reached the point at which she kept trying to leave and we would get late night calls from him and would have to go over and try to talk her into going back.  She was not bathing or cutting her toenails.  She didn't recognize that he was her husband.  But still he did not want to let her go.  They had moved into a multi-tiered care facility fifteen years prior to this so they would have the care they needed when the time came.  But when the time came, she was too mentally gone and he was too emotionally invested in her remaining with him that they completely skipped the assisted living part (and we provided all of the assistance) until both of them could not function without being in the nursing home part.

 

I'm so sorry, Jean.  (And I don't mean to go on and on about my own story, but maybe it will help you to hear other people's experiences.)  You have done a good thing, and I will pray for the best outcome.

[Storygirl]

Jean, I want you to know that it is perfectly normal to feel guilty. Even though you have done nothing wrong and everything right. You and your family have to guard against acting on those feelings of guilt (by changing your decision, for example), because the guilty feelings are not the truth. The truth is that you are doing your best to care lovingly for them.

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug: :grouphug:  So hard Jean, but this is best for them.  I hope and pray they adjust quickly.

[ashfern]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

Oh Jean, I'm so sorry to hear this.  Change is hard for anyone, and I suspect it's even harder for older people to leave their familiar surroundings for an entirely new and unfamiliar place.  Hopefully they'll adjust soo

change is even harder for those with any kind of dementia.  nothing is familiar, and their memory is adversely affected, so it's harder to make new short term memories in order for the place to become familiar.  this really is a situation that your sorry they're anxious, but you just have to do it.

 

just as with our young children - we provide what they need (which isn't necessarily what they want).  and sometimes they don't like what we think they need, but we are looking at a bigger picture than they are capable of seeing.

 

you are providing what your ILs *need*.  they are no longer *capable* of knowing what they need.  (so, it's the adinfinitum.  we love you, and we want you to be safe.)

[applethyme]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You have done everything possible to keep them safe and well cared for.   I'm sorry that they have declined to the point they needed more care than they could get at home.  Keeping you in my thoughts and I hope they settle in soon.   When we had my grandma moved to a facility it took about 6 months before she quit asking to go home.  It was so hard to say no but there was absolutely no other way to keep her safe. 

 

There are different behaviors with alzheimers and dementia.  Some are easier to manage than others.  There are some behaviors that just can not be managed at home safely.  It sounds like your inlaws need a place to be safe and you have found it. 

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

I don't know if I read it here from someone or elsewhere, but seriously, I would let the staff know you are not to be contacted for 2-3 weeks.  And don't answer calls from them directly.  Let them settle into this new reality.  They don't need you talking them into it.  They need to adjust and perhaps without family on the side ready to rescue.  

 

((HUGS))

Wow.

I'm shocked, honestly.  The nursing home should tell Mom and Dad they can't call their own kids?  Seriously?    Don't you think that might make them feel a tad abandoned? 

 

It's hard on BOTH sides, not just on the side of the middle-aged child. 

 

I'm not speechless often. 

[TranquilMind]

Thank you.

 

The last two months were intensive care on shifts but really we've (not just dh and I and our kids but his sisters and their families) been providing care for years.   We've been taking them to doctor's appointments.  We've moved them five times to progressively easier homes.  We've done all the work on prepping and renting out their investment properties.  We've done the finances.  We've done the yardwork.  We've done the housekeeping.  We've provided daily phone calls to remind them to take meds.  We've gone searching for MIL multiple times during a "Silver Alert" even with a gps necklace on her.  We've gone through their fridge regularly because they were eating rotten food.  We've been taking meals to them for the past year ever since we walked in and smelled gas throughout the house because MIL put on the stove and didn't notice that it didn't light.  

Sounds like you have really had a lot on your plate.

 

Maybe it would have been easier to sell the rental properties and with the proceeds, hire someone to be with them in their home?   Anyway, you did a lot, moving them five times!  Goodness. 

[Tenaj]

Wow.

I'm shocked, honestly.  The nursing home should tell Mom and Dad they can't call their own kids?  Seriously?    Don't you think that might make them feel a tad abandoned? 

 

It's hard on BOTH sides, not just on the side of the middle-aged child. 

 

I'm not speechless often. 

 

Have you ever dealt with a similar issue in your family?

 

 My dh's grandmother was in the throes of dementia in her early 90's when his great aunt who had been the primary caregiver decided she just couldn't do it any more.  Under much distress (on both sides) they moved grandma into a wonderful nursing home but the calls began immediately.  Many calls, all hours of the day and night.  They finally removed the phone from the room for a few weeks.  My aunt continued to visit but in a very limited way and not every day.  After a few weeks, the phone was able to be replaced in the room and the crisis was over.  My aunt resumed visiting everyday and Grandma had made the adjustment.  During that early time, my aunt kept a close eye on the situation at the nursing home, she was there everyday (and calling), just not necessarily seeing Grandma, because she wanted to be sure that care was being properly given - which I also think is important - that the nursing home workers know that the family is keeping tabs on the situation.

 

Grandma was able to leave the nursing home for holidays but after the first few, we decided it just wasn't good for her, she would get so upset at needing to go back that she couldn't enjoy being home even for a few hours.  It was a terrible situation for everyone and we felt so bad for her.  She was much happier and content once we stopped bringing her home and just moved the celebrations to the nursing home.  

 

It's easy to sit back and say, "I would never do that" until you are in the situation.  It may be the kinder option to make communication difficult for a few weeks rather than to draw out the adjustment period.

[TranquilMind]

Did you derive some form of pleasure from dropping this little judgey bomb onto a clearly worn out woman? Because wowza.

 

Have you ever provided direct round the clock care for any one with dementia? Sometimes professional care is not only necessary for the younger family members but safer and healthier for the elderly patients.

 

Should Jean provide direct care for her ILs to the detriment of her still growing children and her own health situation? Did you account for her needs or the needs of her husband and children? Did you not read the part about both needing more help than they could get from a home health situation?

 

If you have some foolproof perfect solution for these complex and heart wrenching situations, by all means enlighten us. Until then save your little judgement bombs for yourself.

Not the person you are addressing, but I have done it, albeit for only 1 parent, as the other one was already gone.    And I had very young children at the time (age 4 and under - I'm old).   I feel somewhat qualified to address it. 

 

Sometimes there isn't anything else that can be done, such as where the elderly person is violent, hooked up to machines that need to be maintained by medical personnel, routinely escapes into traffic, and other such safety matters.

 

But sometimes - often, I'd say,  that isn't the case at all.  Other people are entitled to have different opinions from the OP, although I would certainly agree that maybe a new thread is the better place to introduce them in highly emotional situations like this. 

[TranquilMind]

Have you ever dealt with a similar issue in your family?

 

 My dh's grandmother was in the throes of dementia in her early 90's when his great aunt who had been the primary caregiver decided she just couldn't do it any more.  Under much distress (on both sides) they moved grandma into a wonderful nursing home but the calls began immediately.  Many calls, all hours of the day and night.  They finally removed the phone from the room for a few weeks.  My aunt continued to visit but in a very limited way and not every day.  After a few weeks, the phone was able to be replaced in the room and the crisis was over.  My aunt resumed visiting everyday and Grandma had made the adjustment.  During that early time, my aunt kept a close eye on the situation at the nursing home, she was there everyday (and calling), just not necessarily seeing Grandma, because she wanted to be sure that care was being properly given - which I also think is important - that the nursing home workers know that the family is keeping tabs on the situation.

 

Grandma was able to leave the nursing home for holidays but after the first few, we decided it just wasn't good for her, she would get so upset at needing to go back that she couldn't enjoy being home even for a few hours.  It was a terrible situation for everyone and we felt so bad for her.  She was much happier and content once we stopped bringing her home and just moved the celebrations to the nursing home.  

 

It's easy to sit back and say, "I would never do that" until you are in the situation.  It may be the kinder option to make communication difficult for a few weeks rather than to draw out the adjustment period.

Yes, ma'am.  I was the primary caregiver over 10 years ago, and with kids at the time who were younger than school age. 

 

I took care of my mom for years in some capacity and for months in my home.  It was stressful, for sure.  But I'm glad I did it.

[LucyStoner]

Wow.

 

I'm shocked, honestly. The nursing home should tell Mom and Dad they can't call their own kids? Seriously? Don't you think that might make them feel a tad abandoned?

 

It's hard on BOTH sides, not just on the side of the middle-aged child.

 

I'm not speechless often.

 

Your spate of posts makes it appear that you aren't really speechless.

 

Sounds like you have really had a lot on your plate.

 

Maybe it would have been easier to sell the rental properties and with the proceeds, hire someone to be with them in their home? Anyway, you did a lot, moving them five times! Goodness.

 

 

This thread and others have addressed that home health aids were insufficient. Turnover, quality, reliability are all huge factors. I think it's safe to say, reading this thread, that Jean has done all she can do and armchair caregiving it after the fact just isn't really helpful.

 

Not the person you are addressing, but I have done it, albeit for only 1 parent, as the other one was already gone. And I had very young children at the time (age 4 and under - I'm old). I feel somewhat qualified to address it.

 

Sometimes there isn't anything else that can be done, such as where the elderly person is violent, hooked up to machines that need to be maintained by medical personnel, routinely escapes into traffic, and other such safety matters.

 

But sometimes - often, I'd say, that isn't the case at all. Other people are entitled to have different opinions from the OP, although I would certainly agree that maybe a new thread is the better place to introduce them in highly emotional situations like this.

 

I cared for my mother through cancer, at her apartment, then at my home and finally at a hospice for the last few weeks of her life when she needed more than we could provide at home. I did the last year old this while sick with hypermesis gradivarium and then with a tiny newborn and infant for 6 months. I am sympathetic to home care advocates. It is thankfully what worked for my mom but it doesn't work for all people. And the time to advocate for it isn't on this thread. It's just not. Be thankful that home care was a viable option for your mother. Don't assume that it is a viable option for others.