starting to drive alone, sad dad, sad dd (our difficult evening)

[texasmama]

Specific phobias like driving are treatable, too. I doubt that is the case with the OP's dd, as her anxiety is likely attributable to youth and inexperience. But if someone has a specific fear regarding driving, that is treatable with systematic desensitization therapy.

[chocolatechip]

 

1. she should have bluetooth in her car so that she can talk hands free and pick up when you call her

 

If you choose to go this route, check and make sure that it's legal for her to have one. Some states don't allow teen drivers to use Bluetooth pieces until a certain age. 

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I don't understand your response.

 

All I said was that she dealt well with her anxiety.

 

You seem to be saying that clearly she did not deal well with her anxiety because she had no "approved reason" to be anxious. That's not logical at all.

 

When you panic as a driver, the best thing to do is safely pull over, calm down by whatever means work for you, make a plan, and execute it. That's what she did. Therefore she did a good job,

 

Your contention that she should not have gotten upset in the first place is irrelevant. She could have gotten upset because she thought she saw a spider on her leg, because her bf said something mean, or because she is superstitious about the moon and astrology. It doesn't matter *why* she became upset. It matters that she made safe and smart decisions when she was upset.

 

If you don't believe irrational fears are a real thing, I don't know how to explain it to you. They just are. When they happen to "you" it matters what "you" choose to do about it -- especially in a vehicle.

 

(As a 25 year old new driver, I couldn't find my way out of a tight parking spot. I kept inching closer and closer to the other vehicles on every attempt. I felt trapped and confused. I pulled forward, turned the car off, had a good cry, talked myself down, took out paper and pencil, drew a diagram, figured out exactly how to steer correctly, took a deep breath, backed out smoothly, and arrived an hour late for my own birthday dinner. People are not robots, and having a cry does not make someone a nervous wreck. These things happen.)

We will have to agree to disagree on this.

 

I honestly do not believe that this girl should be driving alone if the slightest change in her route was enough to make her panic to the point of tears and have to park somewhere and read until she felt calm enough to drive again.

 

Of course it's an irrational fear. And of course irrational fears are real. But what if the next time she panics, she doesn't have a safe place to pull off the road, and she ends up in an accident? Quite frankly, if she can't remain calm when she is driving, she shouldn't be driving. It's not safe for her and it's not safe for other motorists.

 

You seem to think I am unsympathetic to her fears, despite my repeated words to the contrary. I do feel sorry for her. That's why I don't think she should be driving alone. Who wants to see this poor girl paralyzed with fear when she is only 2 miles from her home? What would have happened if she had been an hour away in an unfamiliar area? She was too upset to even be able to think straight and too stressed to even talk to her own parents on the phone, and she was probably less than 5 minutes from home. And what if the wrong person had approached her while she was crying in her car in an empty parking lot?

 

I'm sorry, but nothing you say will convince me that she handled the situation well enough to make it safe for her to continue to drive alone right now. Thankfully, she was eventually able to pull herself together well enough to make it the few miles back home, but I would be very concerned about what might happen the next time something unforeseen happens while she is driving.

 

I hope she is able to learn to deal with her anxiety about driving, but until she does, I hope she will always be able to have someone else in the car with her to help her remain calm. I don't think it would be fair to her to have to keep driving alone when she is obviously so stressed by it.

[Melissa in Australia]

We will have to agree to disagree on this.

 

I honestly do not believe that this girl should be driving alone if the slightest change in her route was enough to make her panic to the point of tears and have to park somewhere and read until she felt calm enough to drive again.

 

Of course it's an irrational fear. And of course irrational fears are real. But what if the next time she panics, she doesn't have a safe place to pull off the road, and she ends up in an accident? Quite frankly, if she can't remain calm when she is driving, she shouldn't be driving. It's not safe for her and it's not safe for other motorists.

 

You seem to think I am unsympathetic to her fears, despite my repeated words to the contrary. I do feel sorry for her. That's why I don't think she should be driving alone. Who wants to see this poor girl paralyzed with fear when she is only 2 miles from her home? What would have happened if she had been an hour away in an unfamiliar area? She was too upset to even be able to think straight and too stressed to even talk to her own parents on the phone, and she was probably less than 5 minutes from home. And what if the wrong person had approached her while she was crying in her car in an empty parking lot?

 

I'm sorry, but nothing you say will convince me that she handled the situation well enough to make it safe for her to continue to drive alone right now. Thankfully, she was eventually able to pull herself together well enough to make it the few miles back home, but I would be very concerned about what might happen the next time something unforeseen happens while she is driving.

 

I hope she is able to learn to deal with her anxiety about driving, but until she does, I hope she will always be able to have someone else in the car with her to help her remain calm. I don't think it would be fair to her to have to keep driving alone when she is obviously so stressed by it.

 

:iagree:

 

[QueenCat]

If you choose to go this route, check and make sure that it's legal for her to have one. Some states don't allow teen drivers to use Bluetooth pieces until a certain age. 

 

True.......... and even talking hands free is distracting. Even more so for young, new drivers.

[Wabi Sabi]

I just read through over a hundred responses and I'm still confused: where the heck was she for an hour? 

She called, freaked out, hung up and turned off her phone. Her parents came looking for her within 5-10 minutes, but she was no longer in the parking lot, yet she didn't get home for an hour. Where on earth was she during that time? Even if the detour took her farther from home, it couldn't have taken her THAT far from home! 

I just read through over a hundred responses and I'm still confused: where the heck was she for an hour? 

 

She called, freaked out, hung up and turned off her phone. Her parents came looking for her within 5-10 minutes, but she was no longer in the parking lot, yet she didn't get home for an hour. Where on earth was she during that time? Even if the detour took her farther from home, it couldn't have taken her THAT far from home! 

 

This is an important part of the story that most folks here are missing:

 

1) She had a bit of a meltdown, and called home.

2) She turned off her phone.

3) She (very maturely, I think) calmed herself down.

4) She drove to ballet, and took her lesson there for an hour,

5) She drove home via another route.

 

3, 4, and 5 all happened with the phone off, and Dad driving around like a crazy man trying to find her, and freaking out.

 

I think that recovering from her anxiety and not letting it stop her from going to ballet and doing what she wanted to do is a good sign, and a sign that she should be driving.  Doing so without texting or calling for an hour, however, is inexcusable.

[unsinkable]

This is an important part of the story that most folks here are missing:

 

1) She had a bit of a meltdown, and called home.

2) She turned off her phone.

3) She (very maturely, I think) calmed herself down.

4) She drove to ballet, and took her lesson there for an hour,

5) She drove home via another route.

 

3, 4, and 5 all happened with the phone off, and Dad driving around like a crazy man trying to find her, and freaking out.

 

I think that recovering from her anxiety and not letting it stop her from going to ballet and doing what she wanted to do is a good sign, and a sign that she should be driving. Doing so without texting or calling for an hour, however, is inexcusable.

No, the incident happened on the way home.

 

"So, dd calls in tears on the way home."

[unsinkable]

I just read through over a hundred responses and I'm still confused: where the heck was she for an hour?

 

She called, freaked out, hung up and turned off her phone. Her parents came looking for her within 5-10 minutes, but she was no longer in the parking lot, yet she didn't get home for an hour. Where on earth was she during that time? Even if the detour took her farther from home, it couldn't have taken her THAT far from home!

The only thing I can figure is that mom and dad didnt have her exact location so dad didnt drive directly to her.

 

So DD was reading/composing herself for a while, then drove home.

 

I truly feel awful for all involved. I hope Betty knows this thread has taken on a life of its own, as they are wont to do, and knows that it has become a bigger conversation and not necessarily about her family.

[Guest submarines]

I grew up and lived in places where I didn't have to drive, and I got my license at 32, when I finally had to. I can tell you that during my first year needing to change my route was a big deal. I am not an anxious person, but yeah, I'd have my heart pumping, adrenalin rushing, just from being at a new left turn at a big intersection and omg my green light it turning yellow and I'm in the middle of the road kinda thing. Not to the extent of needing a break afterwards, but I was 32, not 16. I really think that getting anxious while driving I such a big deal. The girl did just fine.

 

However I also think (and here my perspective will certainly differ) that 16 is awfully young for driving alone *especially* for those who don't feel they are ready. North America made it seem normal, but in most places it is 18, and there's no way I'd be making my child to drive at 16 if they had reservations.

 

ETA: I'd like to add that after the first year of being at times tense while driving, I'm a confident and secure driver now, 6 years later. Not much can phase me out on the road, and certainly not getting lost. I'm somewhat directionally challenged, but this doesn't make me an unsafe driver--I can either figure out my new route or ask for directions without being frazzled. I did drive with a GPS navigator for the first 3 years. Then it broke down, and I don't feel I need or want one anymore.

[brehon]

Then don't drive with me. My children are used to my frequent melt downs when I can't figure out where I'm going...

An actual melt down? Frequently? What do you mean by melt down?

 

I'm asking because I've had patients who were in wrecks either because they had a melt down or because someone else did and caused a wreck. Speaking as a public servant who regularly deals with broken and mangled bodies on the side of the road and rushing (some of) them to the ER, please find a way to always remain in control of your emotions while driving.

 

I read your subsequent post about not getting your license until you were 32 and I do understand you're not as comfortable as others with certain aspects of driving. However, melting down while driving (at least what I'm picturing which is why I ask) is a public safety hazard.

No, the incident happened on the way home.

 

"So, dd calls in tears on the way home."

 

Ah, I was thrown off by this quote:  "After she calmed down, she drove back to ballet and came home by another route."

 

So, she called in for help, the turned off her phone, and read for almost an hour in the car, while her dad is looking for her?  Is that the chronology?  I still think that she handled her driving anxiety well, but calling in for help, then turning off the phone, and leaving it off for an hour while reading in the car, is a serious error.

[Ausmumof3]

I'm another one with driving anxiety. I didn't get my license till my mid 20s because I failed numerous driving tests due to nerves. I pretty much only got there in the end because of an awesome driving instructor. Then driving on my own was incredibly difficult and stressful for so long and I still get really scared when I'm in a new area or heavy traffic.

 

It used to frustrate me how people so lacked understanding. It's like... You know that panicky feeling you get when you sit in a maths test. How your brain turns foggy and nothing anyone else says makes sense... That's me in a car.

 

But I have driven around six years now and it's much better. I know most of the routes and alternative routes to places I normally go. I still stress if a venture out in a new direction but phone GPS makes it easier.

 

I think your dd did great other than not letting you know what she was doing. I would work on going in the car with her to the places you want to go but not being her brains. Make her do the thinking and planning and just be there as worst case back up.

 

Driving anxiety is far more common than you think but most people don't talk about it.

[Ausmumof3]

Sorry double post.

[bettyandbob]

This has been a interesting thread. I had no idea what I was starting, but respondents seem to be clearly divided into two camps, those who know what is like to live life with a little (or a lot of) anxiety and those who have no idea. In the little bit of anxiety camp here, if I waited until I was ready, some things would never happen. I have to do things, practice things and eventually, I feel comfortable. "Ready" for many things, never comes. It is just do and get comfortable over time. Sometimes waiting for "ready" means life and opportunities will pass you by. One of the things I am trying to get into dd is how not to miss life.

 

To clear up a few things, all the events occurred after ballet. An hour did pass between the phone call and arriving home. She got off the road when she was nervous because she knows she shouldn't drive nervous. Her calming mechanism is to read (I wish I'd known my calming mechanism when I was 16). She only read whole chapters at a time and generally reads slowly, which explains the long time period to me. When she was refreshed from reading, she returned to ballet because that was a starting point from which she was comfortable. She drove home by a different route from that point. Her phone was not actually off. She corrected me. She keeps her phone silent all the time. The only time she knows it is ringing is if she is looking at it. This is because many things she attends require phones to be silent, so it's a habit.

 

So, with clearer heads yesterday went over her big mistake--not texting to say she was OK and taking a break. We went over how daddy's brain went right to EVERY SINGLE crime show scenario imaginable. Dh was an absolute wreck with worry and fear. I will be reemphasizing this an we will need to be practicing putting the phone on at least vibrate. That way when the phone goes off she can pull off the road and check it. If she is already stopped she can answer and let us know she is OK.

 

Dd is not a typical teen phone user. She has had a cell for several years. It is only text and talk. Only recently did she start acquiring contacts and start texting friends. She is not chained to the phone like many teens I see. However, there are no pay phones anymore. She takes the phone to activities and I do not want her in a position of having to ask someone else to use a phone to contact me.

 

I've gone through life dealing with a little bit of day to day anxiety. I have to push myself to do most new things. things that seem hard, or anything at all. I push myself to do things because I don't want to be limited. I will not let dd limit her future by avoiding new experiences and skills. dd has no idea her career goals at this point. When I started homeschooling many years ago it was with the goal that my dc would graduate high able to choose from multiple academic options. They ended up in public high school, but were prepared to take strong course loads in science, math, history and foreign languages. I built a pretty good foundation before high school. Such a foundation is great, but I don't want her future to be limited because she can't drive. She doesn't want to live in a city and there are not that many cities in the US that have fabulous public transit. If you are in performing arts and living in NYC, like Jenny's dd, then not driving is OK. For everyone else, you risk missing out on great internships and career opportunities. It could be debilitating. I do not want dd to leave home unable to accept good career options that interest her because she can't drive. Dh feels the same way.

 

Every time dd gets in the car, it is easier. She knows this. The same is true for other things she has had to push herself to do like approaching teachers, applying for jobs, talking to the boss, etc. I guess the difference is we didn't spend a whole year with me going with her to talk to a teacher or apply for a job--I just encouraged from home. She has never done anything unsafe in a car. She has logged a lot of hours. with me and will do more. The reason for the first solo night drive to be ballet was because she has driven there so many time in all kinds of weather. It was the first time so something different (road construction) was going to throw her off. I guess some of you have never experienced being thrown of the first or second time you did something. She handled being thrown off well by pulling off the road and taking a break. Maybe the break was longer than some of you deem reasonable, but it was for her to decide what she needed, not another person. She made a clear decision that did not put anyone on the road in any danger including herself. The next time, which won't be for a while, it will be easier.

 

So, no, we will not put off driving. We will practice, practice, practice. We will seek opportunities for independent daylight driving. Last night my neighbor suggested dd could do some grocery shopping for her. dd has been to the grocery alone in daylight no problem. We will also try to get daddy to tone down his imagination.

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

dd recently got her license. She had her permit over a year. She is 16 almost 17. We need her to drive and be independent. There are many factors in our family that makes this very necessary. dd has been reluctant, but we've worked on this slowly and methodically.

 

I honestly do not believe that this girl should be driving alone if the slightest change in her route was enough to make her panic to the point of tears and have to park somewhere and read until she felt calm enough to drive again.

 

Something I think a lot of folks are missing is that the girl, herself, doesn't seem to want to drive. It sure doesn't sound to me like not letting her drive by herself would be any kind of punishment or attitude adjuster. For reasons this family feels are important, however, the daughter needs to drive. So, I don't think the assorted general advice to not let her back in the car until she shapes up (and I realize you didn't say that, Cat, just doing stream of consciousness, here)  is especially meaningful. 

 

I hope she is able to learn to deal with her anxiety about driving, but until she does, I hope she will always be able to have someone else in the car with her to help her remain calm. I don't think it would be fair to her to have to keep driving alone when she is obviously so stressed by it.

 

I do agree about this, though. I know different families have different needs -- and obviously, it's best if she doesn't allow this one experience to fester and make her avoidance issues worse -- but I would feel very hesitant to push a young person who really didn't want to drive and was scared to do so behind the wheel of a car. The potential for disaster is huge.

[catz]

So, no, we will not put off driving. We will practice, practice, practice. We will seek opportunities for independent daylight driving. Last night my neighbor suggested dd could do some grocery shopping for her. dd has been to the grocery alone in daylight no problem. We will also try to get daddy to tone down his imagination.

 

You are a really good mom!  :grouphug: I really think gently continuing to work at things like this did a world of good for me as a teen and a young adult.  FTR - I went to college, I lived on campus, I took a car there eventually, I travelled internationally and domestically on my own, rented my own apartments, and eventually bought my own house.  Had my parents not been so patient with me about working through some of my anxieties, I think my life now might look very different. 

[Tiramisu]

You are a really good mom!  :grouphug: I really think gently continuing to work at things like this did a world of good for me as a teen and a young adult.  FTR - I went to college, I lived on campus, I took a car there eventually, I travelled internationally and domestically on my own, rented my own apartments, and eventually bought my own house.  Had my parents not been so patient with me about working through some of my anxieties, I think my life now might look very different. 

 

Amen.

 

I think Betty and her dd are great! That night is over. Meanwhile, she showed very good coping skills. She acted prudently. Her family is carefully guiding her into driving. I have great hope for her dd to have a full, wonderful life....and not get into a lot of trouble. LOL.

 

We also had some people suspect my dd was dysfunctional because of some anxieties in high school. She has proven everyone wrong. She got into driving slowly but safely. She adjusted to college amazingly well and has become extremely independent in managing her life. She also looks forward to living internationally, including in less developed countries. And I must admit, her anxiety has also meant she's careful and has never got into any trouble, while still taking advantage of every nice opportunity that comes her way.

[myfunnybunch]

I think that recovering from her anxiety and not letting it stop her from going to ballet and doing what she wanted to do is a good sign, and a sign that she should be driving.  Doing so without texting or calling for an hour, however, is inexcusable.

 

I agree.

 

The meltdown wasn't the end of the story.

 

Our anxious teen was living with her mother during the stage the OP's dd is in, but she needed a lot of support and guidance and practice making the transition to independence, and sometimes she made mistakes. With anxiety, you often get what you focus on. A focus on the successful outcome, in the case of the OP's dd calming down and getting to where she was going, builds confidence and she's less likely to panic and melt down the next time she's out of her element. A focus on what she did wrong and loss of privilege can lead to loss of confidence and further anxiety. And yelling makes it worse. I get that people yell when they're upset, but they usually don't get so upset that they can't stop when asked or when the person they're yelling at becomes hysterical. (Sorry, OP, I'm not trying to jump on your husband, but imo this goes in the category of things that need to be discussed from a helpful versus not helpful standpoint when dealing with anxiety.)

 

I learned a lot from parenting my young adult dd, including lots of what not to do. (Sigh. Including yelling. Not judging the OP's dh, promise.) My anxious ds11 wants to please and responds very well to "This worked. Good job. This didn't, and this was the outcome, so next time do that instead so that the outcome will be different. How can I help you to be successful next time?"

 

Cat

 

[Catwoman]

Betty, I'm glad you and your dh spoke with your dd so she understands the importance of not turning off the ringer on her phone, and I think your idea of focusing on daylight driving for a while is an excellent idea.

[Seasider]

I have spent quite a bit of time on the phone "talking in" my teen dd. I restricted her to non-highway travel the first 6 months; now that she's been driving over a year, it's much better. I think there's a learning curve that has a variable amount of time for passing through. One thing is for sure: increased confidence is directly proportional to increased experience.

 

Before I turned any of mine loose for solo driving, I made sure to accompany them (teen driving) on the most common routes - school, church, jobs, best friends' homes - in all sorts of circumstances - daylight, darkness, rain. That was very helpful to them and reassuring to me.

[StephanieZ]

1) Dad apologizes. 2) Dd agrees never to turn off her phone when out alone. She can silence it, but not turn it off. And, in a situation like that, she MUST text or call you with where she is, where she is going, etc, at least every 20 min. 3) Install a tracking app on her (smart) phone so you can always locate her with that. 4) If she can't drive, she doesn't have to go. You are done driving her to ballet, etc. . . so if she misses it, that's OK, but you won't keep paying for things she isn't doing . . . 

 

I totally get the need for dd to drive. We finally forced dd 17 1/2 to get her license this summer. She's right now out having taken both her siblings and herself to an event. Having her drive is a HUGE help. Totally get that! I just put my foot down about 6 months ago that if she didn't have her license by this summer . . . she could take cabs . . . (very pricey, we live in the boonies), but that I was DONE driving her all over the place. Much nudging, but she got it. Thank goodness!

[StephanieZ]

ps. Does your dd know how to use a mapping app or device? We have the $100 Garmins in each car, and we bought dd17 an iPhone as soon as she got her DL (one of my little carrots . . . ) and we practice using the mapping apps regularly. This is a huge help in situations like your dd experienced. 

[Guest]

I have a horrific sense of direction and practically sob in despair when people don't offer detailed directions because "you can't miss it!" I promise you I can, lol. My life is much easier since GPS. You don't even need to buy a separate one if she has a smart phone; there are many apps, such as Waze, that will do the trick (and no need to stare at the screen while you drive; they have audio and you can preview the route).

 

 

I am late to this particular party because I couldn't spend time responding yesterday, but I just wanted to say - me too! I have extremely poor orientation skills and my first several YEARS of driving were awful. AWFUL! I use my ipad, my phone nav, or Waze constantly now. They are a priceless boon for someone with my (in)ability to navigate. I could fill a book with navigation errors I made when I was first driving. One of the worst was brought on by a construction closure as I was heading into Baltimore city. I absolutely freaked. Out. I ended up in the sketchiest nowhere-you-want-to-be and I had to parallel park and call my boss from a pay phone. God. I should have just checked myself into a ward with pretty white jackets and missed work entirely.

[RanchGirl]

It really sounds like she isn't ready to drive, and it also appears that she knows she isn't ready.  Just because you 'need' her to drive and she has her license, doesn't mean she is ready to drive.  I would go back to the basics and only let her drive with a parent until she is more capable.  If that means carpooling, cabs, or bike-riding to ballet in the meantime, so be it.  Much better than her causing an accident because she was on the road before she ready.

 

GPS, bluetooth, apps, etc. are nice but they won't solve the problem.  I don't think any amount of equipment can help a driver who isn't ready suddenly become a safe driver.  It's just practice practice practice, with a parent in the car supervising.

[dirty ethel rackham]

you're a lucky woman catwoman, that you are having trouble figuring this out.

 

i get lost without trying.  at age 55.  its been that way, oh, forever....  i can get lost with a gps and an iphone map, too.  its something to do with spacial reasoning, which apparently i don't have.  you know those little boxes on IQ tests that they open up, flatten and then ask you what shape they would be folded up?  i have never, ever in all of time been able to understand how someone could do that.  i have cut the things out, folded and unfolded them, and then when faced with a picture of the self same shape have gone into complete panic mode.

 

oldest dd learned to follow a map at age 4.  we joke that it was in self defense, but it really was because she didn't like being lost, and we frequently were.

second dd learned to follow a map at age 6.  same reason.

third and fourth dds learned to say "i think we turn here mummy" by about age 2.

 

driving in our car is a group sport.  

 

so if we go back to when i was 17 and driving alone for the first time, way way back before the beginning of time or cell phones, my mom would hug me goodbye and tell me she hoped she'd get to see me again.  we'd both laugh.  but it wasn't really that funny.  eventually, we figured out that directions based on experiential memory worked almost every time.  so she would give me directions like "do you remember where we parked for the santa claus parade when you were little?"  i would say "yes".  she would say "good.  when you get there, drive towards the maple tree on the corner".  i could go almost anywhere like that.  one dear aunt wrote directions to her cottage that spanned two pages of shared memories.  now i can do it with less shared memory and more landmarks (eg.  turn left at the "keep off the grass" sign).  

 

i have only met one other person like that, but it was lovely to know i wasn't alone.  she gave us directions to her home in florida including the line "turn left at the fancy dress shop".  dh had kittens; we had flown for hours, driven for hours, and he couldn't imagine we'd find it.  then of course we were driving down the street and i said "oh look, there's the fancy dress shop.  turn left."  and of course, it was, we did, and we found her house.  neither she nor i found it odd that she hadn't given me street names or a house number.  

 

all of which to say is that we need to figure out how to work with who we are, and to make progress towards who we want to be.  there may well be other issues at play, but maybe this is just the way she comes.

 

hugs to all,

ann

Ann, I have a SIL like you.  She simply cannot translate a map in her head into directions.  She has to drive somewhere at least 3 times before she can reliably get there without getting lost (as in driving 45 minutes out of her way before even figuring out that she is going the wrong direction when it should have taken her only 15 minutes to get there.)  She is a smart, competent woman in most areas of her life, but useless at directions.  She even gets lost with a GPS.  The sad thing is that she simply cannot admit she has a problem despite being late all the time. 

 

If DD is a landmark driver, night driving will completely throw her. Tell her to try to start thinking in terms of road names and directions instead of "turn right at the yellow house." Teaching herself to visualize the map will REALLY help her in the long run. Even if it's not natural to her, she can learn it.

Not everyone can do this.  My brilliant ds has fantastic visual/spacial skills in many areas of his life, can follow an orienteering course in the wild, but really struggles with translating the map in his head with actual driving.  Still,  he manages to get around at college and drive himself the 3 hours to come home on breaks.  But, he still hasn't figured everything out in his hometown and surrounding suburbs.  He still frequently starts out going the wrong direction when he backs the car out of the driveway. 

My SIL mentioned above still cannot do this. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I guess I do not get how being upset can cause an accident.  I've been upset plenty of times.  If anything, I go more slowly or just pull into a gas station.  I don't think that means she is a danger.

When people are upset, they are often distracted.  Distracted drivers have more accidents. 

[ksr5377]

So not even getting into the should she or shouldn't she aspect of driving but to comment on how the route change threw her...When I was growing up and learning to drive my parents, especially my Dad, would frequently tell me to "Turn here instead." of going the normal route.  I would usually ask where it was going to take us and they would generally comment "Let's find out!"  It was a good way to practice driving and to make me think about my route, without a map.  We would drive until we came to a main road I would recognize.  Then they would make me figure out the best way to get home from there.  I will still do this to this day.  If I'm not in a hurry to get home from something I will check out a road to see where it takes me.  I know I could always just look at a map and try to see, but it's so much better for me to actually experience where the road goes. 

[Guest submarines]

I guess I do not get how being upset can cause an accident.  I've been upset plenty of times.  If anything, I go more slowly or just pull into a gas station.  I don't think that means she is a danger.

 

I think it is the degree of upset that matters. Gently: if getting lost leads to crying, then what if there's a real emergency? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable driving (in terms of putting other people in danger) if I cried regularly while driving.

 

 

[Caroline]

And it isn't all the time just maybe once or twice a year.

In an earlier post you said it was frequent.

[brehon]

I guess I do not get how being upset can cause an accident.  I've been upset plenty of times.  If anything, I go more slowly or just pull into a gas station.  I don't think that means she is a danger.

 

 

Yes, if you are upset or crying while driving, you are a danger not only to yourself and your passengers, but to other innocent drivers on the road. Going more slowly can, depending on the road and the lane you're in, actually be more dangerous.

 

 

Oh good grief if you want to talk about distractions what about cell phones.  Crying while you are driving is much better than that!!!  I have never been in an accident.

 

 

Agreed. But that's not what we're talking about. It's not a zero sum game. Crying while driving is NOT better than driving while talking on a phone (by the way, this includes hands-free talking) or texting. The fact that you haven't ever been in an accident doesn't mean you're driving safely. What it more than likely means is that other drivers have noticed you/your driving when you have been upset and crying and made their own adjustments so they can (try to) be safe.

 

 

I think it is the degree of upset that matters. Gently: if getting lost leads to crying, then what if there's a real emergency? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable driving (in terms of putting other people in danger) if I cried regularly while driving.

 

 

Ayup. Not being able to find your destination can certainly be stressful; however, if you're crying and pulling over because of it, how will you handle a true driving emergency? I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable placing other people in potential danger because of my emotional state. What if, in trying to pull over, you cause a wreck because you couldn't see clearly through your tears.

 

 

What other emergency would there be????  Getting lost is the worst thing that could possibly happen....

No, it really isn't. What will you do if you have a blow-out on the highway or even major thoroughfare? Unexpectedly come to a detour because of an accident or road construction? Run out of gas nowhere near a gas station? Blow a head gasket or tranny while out with your kids?

 

What will you do if you witness an horrific accident (and without getting too graphic let's just say whatever you're imagining, multiply it by several orders of magnitude)? Getting lost is peanuts compared to several of these scenarios.

[bettyandbob]

Goodness. Did any of you read? My dd pulled over and parked the car when she was upset. She did that to get focused again. She did not keep driving. Another poster also mentioned pulling into a gas station. Dd got off the road she was not a danger to anyone.

[texasmama]

Goodness. Did any of you read? My dd pulled over and parked the car when she was upset. She did that to get focused again. She did not keep driving. Another poster also mentioned pulling into a gas station. Dd got off the road she was not a danger to anyone.

Betty, I think the last few comments are unrelated to your dd and her actions and more related to a specific poster.

[Ausmumof3]

Seeking for him has said she has been driving since she was seventeen... Think that is a long time without an accident. Most of the people I know who have had accidents are actually very confident drivers. I only have anecdotal evidence but overconfidence seems to lead to a lot more accidents in the early driving years than under confidence.

 

Those who are saying you that someone who suffers from a driving anxiety episode a couple of times a year obviously have no experience with how crazily limiting it is not to be able to drive anywhere remotely unfamiliar. It's kind of like saying someone with maths anxiety shouldn't be able to open a bank account.

 

Betty, I think you are doing the right thing for your daughter... Wish someone had given me a bit more of a push earlier on.

[Guest submarines]

Goodness. Did any of you read? My dd pulled over and parked the car when she was upset. She did that to get focused again. She did not keep driving. Another poster also mentioned pulling into a gas station. Dd got off the road she was not a danger to anyone.

 

Your DD did the right and safe thing.

 

What another poster is describing--having regular crying meltdowns when lost is quite different from a 16 year old needing to pull over to de-stress.

 

 

[Guest]

This has been a interesting thread. I had no idea what I was starting, but respondents seem to be clearly divided into two camps, those who know what is like to live life with a little (or a lot of) anxiety and those who have no idea. In the little bit of anxiety camp here, if I waited until I was ready, some things would never happen. I have to do things, practice things and eventually, I feel comfortable. "Ready" for many things, never comes. It is just do and get comfortable over time. Sometimes waiting for "ready" means life and opportunities will pass you by. One of the things I am trying to get into dd is how not to miss life.

 

To clear up a few things, all the events occurred after ballet. An hour did pass between the phone call and arriving home. She got off the road when she was nervous because she knows she shouldn't drive nervous. Her calming mechanism is to read (I wish I'd known my calming mechanism when I was 16). She only read whole chapters at a time and generally reads slowly, which explains the long time period to me. When she was refreshed from reading, she returned to ballet because that was a starting point from which she was comfortable. She drove home by a different route from that point. Her phone was not actually off. She corrected me. She keeps her phone silent all the time. The only time she knows it is ringing is if she is looking at it. This is because many things she attends require phones to be silent, so it's a habit.

 

So, with clearer heads yesterday went over her big mistake--not texting to say she was OK and taking a break. We went over how daddy's brain went right to EVERY SINGLE crime show scenario imaginable. Dh was an absolute wreck with worry and fear. I will be reemphasizing this an we will need to be practicing putting the phone on at least vibrate. That way when the phone goes off she can pull off the road and check it. If she is already stopped she can answer and let us know she is OK.

 

Dd is not a typical teen phone user. She has had a cell for several years. It is only text and talk. Only recently did she start acquiring contacts and start texting friends. She is not chained to the phone like many teens I see. However, there are no pay phones anymore. She takes the phone to activities and I do not want her in a position of having to ask someone else to use a phone to contact me.

 

I've gone through life dealing with a little bit of day to day anxiety. I have to push myself to do most new things. things that seem hard, or anything at all. I push myself to do things because I don't want to be limited. I will not let dd limit her future by avoiding new experiences and skills. dd has no idea her career goals at this point. When I started homeschooling many years ago it was with the goal that my dc would graduate high able to choose from multiple academic options. They ended up in public high school, but were prepared to take strong course loads in science, math, history and foreign languages. I built a pretty good foundation before high school. Such a foundation is great, but I don't want her future to be limited because she can't drive. She doesn't want to live in a city and there are not that many cities in the US that have fabulous public transit. If you are in performing arts and living in NYC, like Jenny's dd, then not driving is OK. For everyone else, you risk missing out on great internships and career opportunities. It could be debilitating. I do not want dd to leave home unable to accept good career options that interest her because she can't drive. Dh feels the same way.

 

Every time dd gets in the car, it is easier. She knows this. The same is true for other things she has had to push herself to do like approaching teachers, applying for jobs, talking to the boss, etc. I guess the difference is we didn't spend a whole year with me going with her to talk to a teacher or apply for a job--I just encouraged from home. She has never done anything unsafe in a car. She has logged a lot of hours. with me and will do more. The reason for the first solo night drive to be ballet was because she has driven there so many time in all kinds of weather. It was the first time so something different (road construction) was going to throw her off. I guess some of you have never experienced being thrown of the first or second time you did something. She handled being thrown off well by pulling off the road and taking a break. Maybe the break was longer than some of you deem reasonable, but it was for her to decide what she needed, not another person. She made a clear decision that did not put anyone on the road in any danger including herself. The next time, which won't be for a while, it will be easier.

 

So, no, we will not put off driving. We will practice, practice, practice. We will seek opportunities for independent daylight driving. Last night my neighbor suggested dd could do some grocery shopping for her. dd has been to the grocery alone in daylight no problem. We will also try to get daddy to tone down his imagination.

Betty, I just read this. I believe you are on the right track. I can relate to so much of what you posted about anxiety. In my late teens-early twenties, there were so many small victories for me. When I got a job in downtown Baltimore city, I was petrified of everything! But every little step confirmed that I was capable, that I could manage. I am in a far better situation now, but I also know that all it takes to rock my world is The Unknown Curveball.

[mamaraby]

At least your dd was stopped and pulled over. I used to get calls from my sister (another directionally challenged type) when she was lost, but she never stopped driving. It was like trying to hit a moving target. By the time I'd figure out where she was, she wasn't there anymore. This was before GPS. When she got her GPS it was the best day ever.

[bolt.]

What will you do if you have a blow-out on the highway or even major thoroughfare? Unexpectedly come to a detour because of an accident or road construction? Run out of gas nowhere near a gas station? Blow a head gasket or tranny while out with your kids?

 

What will you do if you witness an horrific accident (and without getting too graphic let's just say whatever you're imagining, multiply it by several orders of magnitude)? Getting lost is peanuts compared to several of these scenarios.

Blow out: steer to side of the road, have a good cry, calm down, plan and execute.

Detour: execute the detour if it's clear. If I feel confused or nervous, find a safe place to stop until I figure it out and feel cool and confident.

Run out of gas, mechanical problem: stop, cry, calm down, seek help, etc.

Horrific accident: cry, and try to help while crying.

 

How are any if these reactions out of line? It's just that they take slightly longer because they involve taking a short break to pass through an emotional moment. It's hardly a catastrophe to pause and cry in a tough moment!

[RanchGirl]

OP, it's great that she was able to pull over, but it took her an hour to calm down.  That's pretty hysterical.  What if she hadn't been able to pull over right away - like a long construction zone?  She knows she has a problem, so it wouldn't be responsible to force her onto the road alone before she's ready for convenience.  More practice and maturity should help.

[RanchGirl]

What other emergency would there be????  Getting lost is the worst thing that could possibly happen....

 

I'm going to assume you are kidding because I can't wrap my brain around this statement otherwise.

[HRAAB]

I guess I do not get how being upset can cause an accident.  I've been upset plenty of times.  If anything, I go more slowly or just pull into a gas station.  I don't think that means she is a danger.

 

A few years ago a young woman blasted through a red light killing an elderly couple.  The young woman was seriously injured but survived.  She was crying and upset after having a fight with her boyfriend.

 

Being upset/crying can absolutely be a distraction and consequently cause an accident.

[Lolly]

OP, it's great that she was able to pull over, but it took her an hour to calm down.  That's pretty hysterical.  What if she hadn't been able to pull over right away - like a long construction zone?  She knows she has a problem, so it wouldn't be responsible to forcing her onto the road alone before she's ready for convenience.  More practice and maturity should help.

 

I think that was already answered. She doesn't like to stop reading until she reaches the end of a chapter. Poor girl, she got into her book and read for quite a while. I'm sure we can all commiserate with that problem! I have trouble stopping reading too. And, if she hadn't been able to pull over due to driving circumstances, I'm sure she would have driven until she felt it was safe to do so. Being upset doesn't mean being totally incapacitated most of the time.

[dirty ethel rackham]

 

 

Yes, if you are upset or crying while driving, you are a danger not only to yourself and your passengers, but to other innocent drivers on the road. Going more slowly can, depending on the road and the lane you're in, actually be more dangerous.

 

  

 

Agreed. But that's not what we're talking about. It's not a zero sum game. Crying while driving is NOT better than driving while talking on a phone (by the way, this includes hands-free talking) or texting. The fact that you haven't ever been in an accident doesn't mean you're driving safely. What it more than likely means is that other drivers have noticed you/your driving when you have been upset and crying and made their own adjustments so they can (try to) be safe.

 

  

 

Ayup. Not being able to find your destination can certainly be stressful; however, if you're crying and pulling over because of it, how will you handle a true driving emergency? I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable placing other people in potential danger because of my emotional state. What if, in trying to pull over, you cause a wreck because you couldn't see clearly through your tears.

 

 

No, it really isn't. What will you do if you have a blow-out on the highway or even major thoroughfare? Unexpectedly come to a detour because of an accident or road construction? Run out of gas nowhere near a gas station? Blow a head gasket or tranny while out with your kids?

 

What will you do if you witness an horrific accident (and without getting too graphic let's just say whatever you're imagining, multiply it by several orders of magnitude)? Getting lost is peanuts compared to several of these scenarios.

 

:iagree: :iagree: I couldn't like this more than once so I had to quote it. 

 

[wendyroo]

Calling home, stating an emergency situation  and then switching off the phone must have caused you parent a huge degree of anxiety. I understand that her dad was very upset. 

 

This is the part I'm not understanding.  How is being lost two, three, five miles from home an emergency situation?

 

I bought myself a used car with my babysitting money a couple days after I turned 16.  I drove to school, my job and the college where I was dual enrolled an hour away.  I drove during the day and at night without ever having a cell phone.  Were my parents nervous?  Probably a little, but only about me getting in an accident, never about me being lost.  Being lost does not hurt you.  Being lost is just a temporary inconvenience that you need to problem solve (or randomly guess) your way out of.

 

A couple months after getting my car I got majorly lost after they closed a highway due to an accident and forced everyone onto surface streets; I drove around trying to find anything I recognized for 15 minutes before finding a payphone to call my parents.  My Dad certainly did not panic about it (and I was a long way from home), and just told me to head in a generally northern direction and that I would eventually hit a different highway (that I was slightly familiar with) that would take me home.  He told me to find another payphone to call him back in half an hour if I hadn't found some highway by then.

 

If I was the OP and my child called me in a panic about being lost, I think I would have tried to deescalate rather than feed the panic by saying something along the lines of, "Sweetie, you're going to be fine.  You don't need us to come get you; you just need to take a minute to calm down and then get back out there and find a different way home.  You might go the wrong way for a bit and it might take you a while to find your way here, but as long as you keep driving safely then none of that matters."  I don't think I would have jumped in the car to rush out and rescue her.  Rescue her from what?

 

I also agree with Catwoman that I would not want my child driving alone if a minor traffic hiccup caused them that level of anxiety.

 

Wendy

[Catwoman]

This is the part I'm not understanding. How is being lost two, three, five miles from home an emergency situation?

 

I bought myself a used car with my babysitting money a couple days after I turned 16. I drove to school, my job and the college where I was dual enrolled an hour away. I drove during the day and at night without ever having a cell phone. Were my parents nervous? Probably a little, but only about me getting in an accident, never about me being lost. Being lost does not hurt you. Being lost is just a temporary inconvenience that you need to problem solve (or randomly guess) your way out of.

 

A couple months after getting my car I got majorly lost after they closed a highway due to an accident and forced everyone onto surface streets; I drove around trying to find anything I recognized for 15 minutes before finding a payphone to call my parents. My Dad certainly did not panic about it (and I was a long way from home), and just told me to head in a generally northern direction and that I would eventually hit a different highway (that I was slightly familiar with) that would take me home. He told me to find another payphone to call him back in half an hour if I hadn't found some highway by then.

 

If I was the OP and my child called me in a panic about being lost, I think I would have tried to deescalate rather than feed the panic by saying something along the lines of, "Sweetie, you're going to be fine. You don't need us to come get you; you just need to take a minute to calm down and then get back out there and find a different way home. You might go the wrong way for a bit and it might take you a while to find your way here, but as long as you keep driving safely then none of that matters." I don't think I would have jumped in the car to rush out and rescue her. Rescue her from what?

 

I also agree with Catwoman that I would not want my child driving alone if a minor traffic hiccup caused them that level of anxiety.

 

Wendy

:iagree:

 

I got the impression that the father went out to find her because she had been so upset on the phone that she couldn't even talk to them after they told her that they couldn't immediately jump in the car and go get her. He was probably worried about her driving in that emotional state. And when he and betty kept calling her back and getting no answer, and she didn't arrive home quickly, he probably feared that she might have gotten into an accident or something.

 

But I could be mistaken about that. :)

[Catwoman]

I guess I do not get how being upset can cause an accident. I've been upset plenty of times. If anything, I go more slowly or just pull into a gas station. I don't think that means she is a danger.

Oh good grief if you want to talk about distractions what about cell phones. Crying while you are driving is much better than that!!! I have never been in an accident.

 

If you read this article published by DMV.org, it might shed some light on how much your emotions can have an effect on your driving ability:

 

http://www.dmv.org/how-to-guides/driving-and-emotions.php

 

There are pages and pages of information on the topic, so I picked one that's a quick and easy read. :)

[Jenny in Florida]

I guess I do not get how being upset can cause an accident.  I've been upset plenty of times.  If anything, I go more slowly or just pull into a gas station.  I don't think that means she is a danger.

 

 

When people are upset, they are often distracted.  Distracted drivers have more accidents. 

 

Being a little upset and teary is not the same thing as being in the grip of serious anxiety. A person coping with an episode of anxiety is distracted, and his or her judgment may be seriously flawed.  Small issues can seem huge and terrifying. Yes, it is dangerous for a person to drive in that state.

[TechWife]

I'll just pipe in and mention that if one of the things that contributes to her anxiety is being unsure of how to handle unexpected, dangerous situations in a car, then she might find a defensive driving course helpful. My son wasn't an anxious driver, but he was overly cautious and hesitant at times. He completed this defensive driving course and his confidence soared right along with his driving skill. It was well worth the time, and for the BRAKES driving school, the price can't be beat. I know that there are auto manufacturers that offer them as well. If you think it might be helpful, arrange for her to go to one. 

[Lolly]

:iagree:

 

I got the impression that the father went out to find her because she had been so upset on the phone that she couldn't even talk to them after they told her that they couldn't immediately jump in the car and go get her. He was probably worried about her driving in that emotional state. And when he and betty kept calling her back and getting no answer, and she didn't arrive home quickly, he probably feared that she might have gotten into an accident or something.

 

But I could be mistaken about that. :)

 

Yeah, that isn't how I read it. I think they did try to deescalate the situation. They could not come help her out immediately. Then, they tried to call her a few minutes (little while) later when they were able to free themselves to help her out and could not get ahold of her because her phone was off. Thus, dh panicking. Why was she not able to answer? They thought she was sitting in a parking lot waiting on them. Something bad must have happened! Only it hadn't. She was just reading and handling her own problem.