Home'scool Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I have two daughters, ages 19 and 17. My oldest came to me yesterday with a "helpful suggestion" that I go out more, do more things. She thinks it will make me happier. I am happy! Just a few weeks ago I called a meeting with my family to let them know that right now in my life I am looking for some peace and quiet. Why? Well, I spelled it out for them: ******* I am approaching 50. I work 40 hours a week at a law firm. I have always either worked or homeschooled or some combination of both. I have earned a paycheck since I was 14 years old. I have been married for 25 years. For about 15 of those years we struggled hard financially. When we brought my oldest home from the hospital as a baby we could not afford heat. I went for 3 years with two kids and no car. I worked a lot of crappy jobs so I could be home during the day with my children. I did what I needed to do. We have moved 3 times which isn't a huge amount, but every time it was for my husband's job and I always said I would do anything necessary to support this career. Whenever we moved I left friends and established homeschooling communities and started all over again. I had to handle all the moves on my own as he was always working. For one full year, when the girls where 4 and 6, my husband would leave for his job on Monday morning and not come home until Friday night. I handled everything, I had a really, really lousy upbringing. Everything I got had to be fought for or figured out on my own. My path has been much harder than it needed to be. ****** To sum it up, there has not been a lot of peace and quiet in my life. I have worked hard, been there done that. But now I finally feel like I can take a bit of a breath. We are finally in a place where we are financially comfortable. I finally figured out who I am and am okay being me and not try to keep up with anyone socially. When I come home at night I am happy to be HOME. I make dinner and then settle into my very comfy knitting chair and knit. It is my new hobby and I love it. This isn't all I do, I still go shopping with my daughters and go out to dinner with the family. My sister and I are taking the kids to Universal in two weeks. I am trying to convince my hubby to go on vacation to Germany. Both girls are in college and I go to visit them constantly. It's not like I am agoraphobic! I kinda feel like a work horse that has earned the right to be put out to pasture with no more expectations being made. Just quiet days in the sun doing whatever the hell I want (after working 40 hours a week that is!) But then my daughters discussed me and decided I should do more. And now I feel lame. I want them to be proud of me and not view me as a slug. I tried to explain this all to her but of course at 19 everything is about going and doing and exploring the great big world out there. It is just all so exciting at 19 and 17. So is it that they are young and naïve or am I really being lame wanting more at home time than going out time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckles Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I'll bring the coffee and sit in the chair next to you and read. I'm tired. Life is hard. You are fine in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You sound perfectly normal. And maybe your girls need to realize that this is just a phase in your life- a phase where you are working all day and when you get home you're enjoying some 'me' time. You do not have to be entertained all the time. I guess the only thing that concerns me is that you think your girls aren't proud of you. That's their issue- you are productive, engaged with your family, and happy. That's enough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You sound fine, but I would take their advice as a compliment. You've raised 2 daughters who are active and enjoy life, and they want their mom to enjoy her life as much as they are enjoying the life you've given them. Happy knitting! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistiDelaney Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 They are young. They are excited - and I wouldn't say that they aren't proud of you, simply that they are worried about you. After all, you had been homeschooling them and have given up a lot for them. Now they want you to have the fun they see you having postponed for them. But they are young and innocent and can't see that for you, your current life *is* fun. Think back. Did your mother's life look like fun to you when you were 18? Mine sure didn't. I lived in horror of living her life! And now I do - and the only downside is that I, too, have to work 45 hours per week and don't have time to knit. :p You're fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You and I are at the same stage of life. You are more than fine. Your dd is viewing things only through her own eyes of what "happy" would look like for her. She is trying to be helpful. I have one of those sweet, clueless about middle age, 19 year old dd's, too. They are precious, but they cannot understand. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 If you're working 40 hours a week you are out quite a bit already! You sound totally fine to me too. Maybe your dd is just more extroverted than you or it just doesn't even occur to her that working 40 hrs a week could be plenty draining and make you cherish your quiet time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You are completely normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidi Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You're not lame, they are just being teens. They'll understand one day. And you should definitely visit Germany. I've only lived here since Feb, but I absolutely LOVE it here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 They know ALL at that age. I have to try REALLY hard to not roll my eyes when DD17 gives me advice. It'll be a long time before they understand that you know yourself. It'll also be a while before that youthful energy wanes and they can even appreciate how enjoyable quiet, still moments can be. It's definitely not you. Do not let their naive confidence give you doubts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 Wow thank you ladies! Some of your comments really made me chuckle :laugh: I appreciate the votes of confidence. To quote my father "I only hope I live long enough to see your kids do to you what you do to me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 they are still young - and going out is exciting. they have yet to learn the perks of just staying home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I agree they're just young. I've tried to explain to 18 yo DS that there are things he thinks he knows or understands, but that he really doesn't and won't until he's BTDT. Of course he doesn't believe he doesn't know it all already. I well remember the arrogance of my own youthful self. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 There are many things about this post I could have written myself, including that I have to figure out EVERYTHING for myself as my parents were too busy/ clueless to help me. I told everyone to go to a movie for my birthday and leave me home to quilt. You are entitled, but I am guessing they really love you and are worried about you getting "old". Sitting home knitting may seem very old to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You and I are at the same stage of life. You are more than fine. Your dd is viewing things only through her own eyes of what "happy" would look like for her. She is trying to be helpful. I have one of those sweet, clueless about middle age, 19 year old dd's, too. They are precious, but they cannot understand. :) This. Exactly. When my then 19 yo ds would say something like this, I'd smile at him and say: "Thank you for your input, honey. We'll have that conversation again in 30 years or so, okay?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I kinda feel like a work horse that has earned the right to be put out to pasture with no more expectations being made. Just quiet days in the sun doing whatever the hell I want. Yes. You have earned it. Nothing wrong with you AT ALL. I made another post recently about not being able to handle stress lately. I am an introvert and DD is an extreme extrovert, and I do everything I can to meet her needs. But I have told both DH and DD that when she is gone, I'm never leaving the house again. For a few years at least... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 I have daydreams of being in my house, alone, while there is a huge storm outside so I have no reason to go out. I love thinking about being secluded and quiet and just me. I would love an extended period of time to think of no one else but myself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I have daydreams of being in my house, alone, while there is a huge storm outside so I have no reason to go out. I love thinking about being secluded and quiet and just me. I would love an extended period of time to think of no one else but myself! Yes, yes, yes!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 They are young, and have boundless amounts of energy. I imagine it was said with good intentions, though. :) I was alone in my house for about two hours today. It was Heaven. I totally understand where you're coming from. I have a while left to go before I can "put myself out to pasture," but I do look forward to that day! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I've told my kids that I am happy with my boring life. In fact, to mothers of four children who have them home all day, boring is really rather interesting. It's fun to watch their faces when they try to figure that out. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hmm... Do you think maybe she was picking up on something in your disposition or attitude that she took to mean you were unhappy or discontent? I'd be inclined to think she was just trying to suggest something helpful, but might be reading 'tired' or 'happy to be at home' as something negative. Our kids know us very well, but that doesn't mean they always have the correct context to read our responses. With your schedule I'd be thrilled to be home and have things quiet, too! I cherish the few opportunities I get to just sit still and read a book, or something similar. When I was a teen I used to go for long walks with the dog when I could (never often enough -- I had too many responsibilities even then), and simply not think. My mind wasn't blank, I just let it roam and ramble and let my feet do similar. Books also let me do this, when the weather or time of day or any other consideration doesn't allow the walk. My MIL doesn't get this, though she thinks she does. With her and my SIL a walk is for exertion and exercise, not strolling along, stretching the legs, effortless ramble. Reading books is for bedtime. If she thinks her (or anyone else's) hands are idle she finds something for them to do. She is always doing, and that's fine for her, but I wish she'd let me have my quiet time so my brain can sort out the day's gleanings, and then still have time to stop and notice stuff (like the castles in the sky, or the whisper of the wind, or the dance of cottonwood fluff). Some people just don't get how someone could enjoy peace and quiet, because they themselves haven't known it or have no desire for it. That doesn't mean that the quiet-seekers are putting off vibes of unhappiness about being inactive. It just means the well-meaning suggesters have no frame of context in which quiet makes sense, and it likely never occurred to them to even try to understand such a thing. Such a mindframe is very common at OP's kids' ages, and I thought it wonderful that she explained matters to them. My DDs are 10 and nearly 13, and I'm pushing (hard) 50, too. I've already been having discussions about Mom needing some peace and quiet once in a while for a few years now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I have daydreams of being in my house, alone, while there is a huge storm outside so I have no reason to go out. I love thinking about being secluded and quiet and just me. I would love an extended period of time to think of no one else but myself! I've spent some serious hours fantasizing about having the house to myself for a week, usually while I'm scrubbing bathroom tile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhanaBee Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I have daydreams of being in my house, alone, while there is a huge storm outside so I have no reason to go out. I love thinking about being secluded and quiet and just me. I would love an extended period of time to think of no one else but myself! Heaven. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 She thinks what makes her happy will make you happy. It is her age. Enjoy your peace! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Print this out and show it to them. Or tell it to them like this. You probably did an amazing job of not letting them see how hard it was for you, but it is okay to tell them now. Because of you, they don't understand what it is like to have been tired and stressed for that long, and that is awesome, but it also limits their experience. You will have to explain it to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 You've earned a rest, enjoy your home time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I'll bring the coffee and sit in the chair next to you and read. I'm tired. Life is hard. You are fine in my opinion. I'll bring coffee or wine or homemade beer, your choice, and sit next to you and knit. It is also my new hobby and I am also quite loving it. I still don't feel comfortable or like I can afford to take a breather, but dadblum it I won't get to breathe forever, so I'm going to take a risk and do it anyways. In moderation and after a hard day and night doing whatever my family needs first. Maybe the sudden to them home-body version of you is so new that they don't think it's relaxing but rather depression? If so, set them straight, thank them for their concern, and go about your knitting. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Sounds perfectly normal to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Maybe it's a little of both? Frankly, I think they are wonderful and sweet to care so much about you that they want you to go out and enjoy yourself (even if they don't understand how tired you are). I think you might be just a little naive about how easy, easy, easy it is to go from "I'm enjoying not having to go out and just being home" to "It's just too much trouble to think of what to do or where to go" (ie. low level depression). I'm not at all suggesting you are depressed, only that it can be very easy to slide into it without realizing. So, I have a suggestion for you. From one knitter to another....find a knitting group of ladies you enjoy or start one. It will give you friends to enjoy, along with your new hobby, and a non-taxing way of getting out and being social. You don't need to dress up or be peppy to go to your knitting group, just grab your knitting bag and go. You can find knitting groups through your local yarn store, sometimes B&N hosts them, and Ravelry (you ARE on Ravelry, right?) is also a good place to find them. You aren't lame and they are a little naive. But go ahead and take this as a nudge to preventatively make sure you are getting enough non-work social time. I tried to explain this all to her but of course at 19 everything is about going and doing and exploring the great big world out there. It is just all so exciting at 19 and 17. So is it that they are young and naïve or am I really being lame wanting more at home time than going out time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 I have looked into some knitting groups, and thought about perhaps offering to run a class at the local yarn store, but just not now. I just don't have the motivation to take it on. But I get what you are saying .... an object at rest does tend to stay at rest! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shukriyya Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 OP, I am very moved by your initial post, the integrity and commitment and selflessness that has flowed as a deep river in your life, as your life. You are more than fine, you are perfectly, completely and wholeheartedly you! Which is a gift. Liz CA has got the right approach which had me :smilielol5: when I read it. This. Exactly. When my then 19 yo ds would say something like this, I'd smile at him and say: "Thank you for your input, honey. We'll have that conversation again in 30 years or so, okay?" All the best to you, OP, as you move forwards in this new and well-earned phase in your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 You should go out to Germany more. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.