Depression

[scrapbabe]

I chickened out and deleted my post.  But put it back so that those who responded aren't responding to a blank post. 

 

Okay I'm not gonna give a big sob story, but over the past few years I've been struggling with depression.  It was definitely brought on by life's overwhelming challenges, but it is not going away.  At first I was mad at God.  I cried a lot, screamed at him a lot, and couldn't get out of bed to face my day.  Then I turned it on my husband.  I was mad at him for moving us away from a life I loved, to start a business that just isn't doing as well as we would have hoped.  I cried a lot, screamed at him a lot, and resented him.  Then I had a baby in the middle, which oddly enough helped me feel better.  I was physically ill during the pregnancy, but not mentally.  Now my baby is 15 months old and it's not baby blues.  I am still struggling with depression.  Now though, it's directed all at me.  I scream at myself and resent myself and say awful things to myself.  Looking from the outside in I can see that none of those things is true about me, but I can't stop thinking them.  "If only I could just choose to be happy and quit being such a baby."  "I can't do anything, so I'm not even going to try.  I'm going to sit here in my room again feeling sorry for myself, unable to move".  I am not doing well.  Even my good days, are not happy days.  I've lost all desire to do things I normally enjoy.  School is a chore that I hate, but try to get through anyway.  I wake up in the morning screaming in my head, "I do not want to get up!  I can't do this!"

 

I'm a chicken though to do something about it.  I don't want to admit I can't fix this.  I'm real good at pretending so that people think my life is perfect.  But I hate my life.  I avoid people (even ones that I like) because I just can't cope.  I don't want to do anything.  I make my husband do those things I can't do.  He goes and gets groceries a lot.  He attends the children's choir events, awards nights, etc. because I simply cannot go.  

 

Someone please tell me it's not me.  That its the depression and that I don't suck!  And someone please tell me how I get the nerve to do something about it.  Hubby wants me to see a therapist, but says he won't force me too.

 

What do I do?  What's the first step?  And how do I be brave enough to make it?

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

It is depression and you don't suck.  And how to get the nerve up to go to the doctor? Just go.  Just do what you need to do.  I understand everything you're saying; I've been there, always angry, always discontent, always sad or even worse, numb.   Something needs to give you a boost.  For you, this has been going on for too long to continue to go untreated.  You deserve to feel normal.  You deserve to feel happy.  You deserve not to feel like you are drowning in quick sand, or feel too overwhelmed to even attend your children's events.  You have to do this for you.  

 

For extra motivation (maybe, as long as it doesn't make you feel worse) think about how your children will remember these years.  You don't want them looking back and only remembering you depressed, because no matter how good a face you put on it, they know, even if they can't name it now, they know.  

 

Just go get help.  If you don't know where to look, make an appointment with your doctor and see who he/she recommends.  

 

And  :grouphug: again.  

[Kim in Appalachia]

I'm glad I caught your post before you deleted it.  Please get help.  And please find someone IRL to talk to.   :grouphug: Really, I understand.  Really, it's not you.  Don't be ashamed, own it and get help. 

[MooCow]

Do you have health insurance? If yes, call them, and have the representative help you make an appointment. I've done that, and it was very helpful and easier than calling different providers myself. Cause sometimes its all you can do just to make that one phone call, iykwim.

[Outdoorsy Type]

Read this when I was not logged in, and didn't post. You are loved. It sounds like you are in a very bad place right now, and I know there isn't anything that I can do. But I want you to know that you are worth getting help. You are worth getting better. (((Hugs)))))

[Kim in Appalachia]

I'm going to post one more response, because I'm in tears for you, mostly because it hits so close to home.

 

So for Lent this year (which I didn't manage to stick with) I gave up what I called "extras" wine, chocolate, desserts, things that represent pleasures in life.  And you know why?  Because I have been so angry and unthankful for what I have.

 

I hate where we live.  I'm tired of homeschooling.  I'm tired of doing everything for the kids myself.  We live in an isolated place.  While we are attending a church, it's not my preference (style, type, teaching, etc...) and I mostly hate it..  I miss my folks, my sister.  I miss living where I feel normal.  

 

But I have a good life.  I have a beautiful home, a loving dh, 5 healthy children.  School has gone and is going well.  I'm not worried about my dh's job or employment. My dh and I are healthy.  We enjoy a good lifestyle.  We have friends.  

 

But I've been so burned out that I've only been able to focus on the negatives, and that's been true for a while.  I'm just starting to get to a place where I don't constantly feel like I'm drowning.  I'm starting to see a light.  

 

I wrote all that just to say, you are not alone.  

 

Please go get help.  

[milovany]

I'm confused why the responses when she obviously wants the message removed/gone?  I would think deleting your replies would be kind. I don't know, just my thought based on the original message being deleted and the topic obviously being sensitive.  Use PM. 

[scrapbabe]

I'm confused why the responses when she obviously wants the message removed/gone?  I would think deleting your replies would be kind. I don't know, just my thought based on the original message being deleted and the topic obviously being sensitive.  Use PM. 

Sorry, I just chickened out.  I saw people had viewed the post and not responded.  My crazy inner-voice told me it's because I'm a total failure.  I've put the original post back and am listening.  

[milovany]

Sorry, I just chickened out.  I saw people had viewed the post and not responded.  My crazy inner-voice told me it's because I'm a total failure.  I've put the original post back and am listening.  

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You are free to delete or leave as YOU desire.

[happi duck]

((op))

 

I could have written most of your post...you are not alone!!

 

Hang in there!

[SadieMarie]

Get thy ass to the doctor!  That is the first step.  And hugs cause I have been there and it sucks.  So take that first step and join me on the other side.  And feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

[texasmama]

Mama, this is depression and you do not suck.  BTDT.  It is very common to be resistant to treatment.  About ten years ago, I went through a depression related to life circumstances, and I finally realized I needed to get myself on some meds when I watched my 10 month old sitting on the floor choking on something he had put in his mouth and I just sat there dully, hoping he coughed it up.  That is the exact opposite of my natural parenting style so I got some meds and when I felt better wished I had done it sooner.  Get some meds, mama.  Go to therapy.  (I've done both.  No shame in it.)  When you are unable to function in your daily life, you need help.  The first steps are scary.  Take them anyway.  Just make a doctor's appointment - or have your dh do it for you, if it is too overwhelming.  Have a friend or your dh drive you there.  Ask the doctor for a therapist referral.  It is a place to start.

 

FTR, the meds weren't forever.  I am not on them now.  But I am grateful the meds were there when I needed them.

[Tmhearn]

I'm glad you put your post back. I needed to read it. You are definitely not alone. And you are probably very awesome. :-)

[Alte Veste Academy]

(((((((scrapbabe)))))))

 

Years ago, I went through a period of saying the worst things to myself, being mad at myself for being sad for no reason. Every night resolving to be happier the next day and every day berating myself for not getting there. My first step was to go to the doctor for a full checkup. Turned out my thyroid was low and fixing that lifted me from the depression. This may or may not be the case for you, but I will say this... When the depression lifted and I was myself again, I mourned the wasted time. So much wasted time! Time I could have been me, happy. Be kind to yourself. It absolutely is the depression, not you. And that is regardless of the origin of the depression. Please go straight to the doctor. Don't waste another day. 

[Miss Mousie]

Would it be easier to make the leap if you think of it as a gift to your family?

 

 

 

 

At first I was going to say "a gift to yourself," but I know from my own experience how hard it was to convince myself I deserved anything good at all, so ... pretend that whatever way you need to spin it to spur yourself to action is what I said, okay?  ;)  And then go do it.

 

:grouphug:

[Alte Veste Academy]

And may I just say how AWESOME I think your DH is that he wants you to see someone. Give him a hug and do what he says! 

[Dana]

:grouphug:

 

It is very brave of you to put this out there.

Even just acknowledging it to yourself and your husband is huge.

Well done!

 

It also can sometimes take a couple of tries to find a therapist you "click" with.

If needed, meds can be great, but there's often a trial and error period.

 

Think about what you'd say if one of your kids said they were feeling like you are. Would you yell at them and tell them to toughen up, or would you get help for them? You deserve the same grace you'd give them.

Sometimes just one foot in front of the other can be a success.

 

Good luck!

[Pawz4me]

It's not you.

 

It's a medical condition.

 

If you were diagnosed with cancer or Parkinson's disease or rheumatoid arthritis, would you think it was you?  Depression is a medical condition just like those things.  It doesn't matter what started it or how it got started.  The hormones and chemicals that regulate mood are out of whack, sort of like how insulin or blood sugar gets out of whack for a person with diabetes or hypoglycemia.

 

You can do it.  Pick up the phone and make an appointment with your doctor or a therapist.  Millions of other people have been there/done that.

 

Just do it.  You deserve to be happy.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Joanne]

You took the first step; you returned the content of your post and asked for help.

 

You are WORTHY of help, even though you've yelled at God, your husband and yourself. Even if you haven't been the wife, mother, and citizen you'd like.

 

You have a **medical** issue, probably exacerbated by pregnancy and childbirth. Please seek medical help, and if you can, additional professional support to change habits of thinking and behavior that move you away from health.

[Critterfixer]

I've been there. Horrible place.

 

First thing to remember is that the little inner voice? That's depression talking. It isn't telling the truth. Trust me on that. 

The truth is you are a wonderful, beautiful person, and that depression is a you-know-what. 

You need to get help, because you deserve it. You've fought this, and it's high time you had some proper weapons. 

Your first step is to listen to the voices in your life that you love and trust. For me, that turned out to be my DH. (I wanted to leave him, and he pretty much carried me to the doctor.)

Depression often has chemical roots, and medication can help. If you have an underlying condition that needs to be looked into as well. It takes TIME to get medication right. I went through several different drugs before I came to an uneasy peace with mine. 

Therapy helps some people far more than medications. I probably didn't stay long enough in therapy for it to be useful, but I'm somewhat private and it was more than I could handle to open up. But it can be so useful if you find someone who can be objective and compassionate. That takes time, too.

 

It's time to take the time. This is an illness. It's not something you did, or something you haven't done. It's an illness. You must take the time to get the help you need, and take the time to recover. You do not have to do this alone. Moreover, you are not supposed to be alone. And you aren't.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Unfortunately, I've been where you are. You don't suck! And neither did I, no matter how much I told myself otherwise.

 

Get yourself help. You deserve to feel better!! Therapist, doctor, whatever works for you.

Get your DH to make an appointment for you, if that is what it takes.

 

I personally used EFT and dietary changes. BUT, the dietary changes were spurred by the needs of my children, so it was not something I did for myself. And it was in hindsight that I noticed the effect the food had on my mood.

[Mommy22alyns]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

BTDT, still am many days.  Go look in the phone book or online for a doctor you can see.  Needing meds is not a failure.  You don't suck.   :grouphug:

[indigomama]

:grouphug:

 

 

Please see someone. It will help, and you will be so glad you did.

 

You are worthy of taking care of you! 

[maize]

Go get help, this is an illness like any illness and needs to be treated. It is not a character flaw or lack of willpower or anything else.

 

I am so sorry you are suffering, but impressed you recognize what you are experiencing is not the full reality of your life. Get to a Dr. and a therapist, for most people a combination of medication and therapy is most effective.

 

You're not alone, the problem is real and it can be treated.

[MotherGoose]

It is a medical illness, and it can be made better. Go see a MD, and/or a therapist. Get some meds, get someone to talk to who is impartial. It's not you. Hugs!

[jrn]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  I've been there. Make a doctor appt. Call tomorrow, first thing.  Don't talk yourself out of it. Just do it. I know you can, because if I could do it, so can you.

[MomatHWTK]

The negative cycle of depression will keep you from getting help if you let it.  See the doctor, even try the medicines he/she recommends.  Let the helps do their work and then see how you feel about the issue.  Right now, your brain isn't allowing you to make good life decisions. 

[elfgivas]

can you think of it like a broken leg?  if you had a broken leg, you might be annoyed with yourself for breaking it, but you would go to a doctor, and do what it took to help it heal well.

 

our oldest is on depression meds now.... and has been to therapy.  (with the broken leg, you would have physio therapy... )

 

there are some things that get better faster with help, and depression is one of them.

 

((hugs))

ann

[Maus]

scrapbabe,

 

It is depression, a real physical disorder, just like diabetes.  It is not you.  Your body is failing to make a chemical you need, just like diabetes.  The right medication will help.  In combination with good therapy, it will help even more.

 

That missing chemical changes your thinking.  With that changed thinking, it is very typical to go through periods of hating God, hating the person closest to you (spouse or parent, usually), and hating yourself.  It is not the real you doing that.

 

Go get help.  Get the real you back.  Your primary care doctor, and probably your ob/gyn or midwife, can get you started.  Call them.

 

If you really can't make the phone call yourself, tell your husband you will go, then show him this thread.

 

 

This part is for him.  It is based on my experience getting help for my husband.

 

scrapbabe's husband,

 

I found that when I asked to make an appointment for my husband that they were not allowed to accept an appointment made by anyone other than the patient if the patient was 18 or older.  (There is an exception made only if the patient is a clear danger to either him- or herself or others.)   I found a likely therapist by calling my husband's primary care office and getting their recommendation, and I called him myself first.   I was told then that my husband had to make the appointment himself.

 

So this is what I did.  Once my husband agreed that he would go if I made the appointment, I stood next to him and used his phone to call the therapist back.  I reminded the therapist that we had spoken before.  I told him my husband had agreed to the appointment and was there with me.  I told him I would put my husband on the phone.  I handed the phone to my husband, and the therapist asked, "Do you want to make an appointment?"  My husband only had to say, "Yes."  In our case, my husband stayed on the line long enough to agree to a suggested day and time, but I suspect I could have arranged that once he had said, "Yes."

 

You probably want someone who uses CBT -- Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  That kind of therapy is training that helps the patient learn to use a different part of the brain to process thoughts.

 

After she has the help she needs, strongly consider seeing a therapist yourself for a while.  It is not easy being the one who was resented.  You need to process that, understand that, and depersonalize that.  It is probably you that needs to help your children do the same.  A therapist can help you with both.

 

 

Both of you, hang in there.  You can do this.

[eternalsummer]

have you read this?

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

 

It might not be your style, and I've never been clinically depressed (though I have had times of extended bad feelings) but a lot of people say it is pretty spot on.

[eternalsummer]

Then there's part 2 http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2013-10-02T14:53:00-06:00&max-results=10

[JFSinIL]

You will only benefit from seeing a professional.  If you had a physical ailment you'd seek medical attention, correct?  The brain is no different.  Find out what insurance covers, make an appointment, and get treated.  If you start with a therapist you may have a lot of talk therapy.  It may or may not help. Depression  may require medication - think chemical imbalance in the brain (would you use talk therapy for a broken leg or diabetes?). If at all possible, start with a psychiatrist as they are the medical doctors who can provide medication if needed.

 

I have family members who have or are currently being treated for depression.  You can't jolly yourself out of real depression, and you shouldn't have to suffer (and your family suffer) from it when it can be treated. 

 

hugs.

 

 

Edited to add - that you "spoke up" here means you know you need help, and are strong enough to ask for our collective Hive opinion.

 

It can be hard to realize how ill you are and how much you need a doctor when you are "inside" depression.  Listen to those of us, on-line and in your "real" life, who are outside and seeing how much you suffer, and get the help you need. 

 

Check back and let us know that you have an appointment! You have our full support!

[LLMom]

Depression is a big liar.  You don't suck; you are a good mother.  Do it for yourself, but if you can't do it for you, think of your children and husband.  Do it for them.  There is no shame in getting help.  If money is an issue, there are patient assistance programs for medication. Some therapists work on a sliding scale fee.   See your doctor and find a therapist. Your whole family deserves it. 

[scrapbabe]

Still trying to sort out so many things. Thank you all for your encouragement. I'll update when I decide how to proceed. DH is very supportive and my rock, so I'll be in good hands as we work to figure it all out.

[scrapbabe]

have you read this?

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

 

It might not be your style, and I've never been clinically depressed (though I have had times of extended bad feelings) but a lot of people say it is pretty spot on.

. Yes, I follow myself around like that all the time.

[myfunnybunch]

Oh, honey. It's not you. You don't suck. Depression is an illness, not a character flaw. Get help, just as you would for any other illness. Even if all you do is agree to let your husband make an appointment for you, that's a first step. Then go to the appointment. Write down what you want to say, or even just ask your husband to print your post and take it with you. Whatever you need to do to make reaching out for help more manageable. Take one step at a time so you don't get overwhelmed. You've already made a great start here, by reaching out to this community. You can do this.

 

Cat

[scrapbabe]

Nm

[myfunnybunch]

Trust your real self, not the bully voice. Imagine the entire Hive telling that bully in unison, a big powerful Hive voice: Shut Up.

 

You've got a healthy part of you telling you the truth: You've been through so much that your brain and body need help to recover. Listen to that voice. You are valued, you are not alone, we are real people who take you seriously. Many of us have been in your shoes or have supported loved ones struggling with depression.

 

Many hugs and prayers.

[Miss Innocent]

Another one who has been there too. As others have said, depression is a nasty liar and the things your brain is telling you are not true. I think the posts on depression by hyperbole and a half are spot on - worth a look, imo.

 

My depression (which is actually part of bi-polar for me) started when I was about 10 years old. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my thirties. When I got some medication that lifted me out of depression (and I was VERY resistant to taking medication at first, believe me!) the difference was amazing. I wish I had taken them earlier. I'm so glad and thankful that that hateful 'voice' has gone.

 

I know my story is very different to yours, but please get help. You deserve to feel better. You do not deserve to have depression's unkind voice saying these terrible and untrue things to you. And yes, your children deserve to have their mum as fit and well as she can be (but please don't beat yourself up over this - you didn't ask to be ill!). Remember this is a medical condition and it will get better faster with treatment.

 

Lots of love

 

Emma xxx

[nevergiveup]

The ladies have given you tons of good advice.

 

However, sometimes the hole you are in seems so deep that you cannot even make yourself call a professional.

 

I would seriously try SAM-e.  It is a supplement that your body produces anyway and has been shown to be as effective as prescription medication.  Once you are feeling better, and this can happen as quickly as within one week, then you will be in a better place mentally in order to take the next step of calling a professional.

[Soror]

OH, goodness, btdt. My baby is 16 months and I've struggled with mood and energy since I got pregnant with her. This fall it got really bad, like texasmama mentioned I heard myself saying and doing things entirely against my usual beliefs.

 

I finally made an appt in Jan but unfortunately couldn't get in until March so until then I decided to research again what natural things I could do to help. I started going to bed every night at 8, cleaned up the diet- the best I could, and started taking epa and sublingual b12, along with being more consistent with my d3. The site I link below has information on various studies about various natural things can help and also medication as well. She talks about good days and bad day strategies, when I first started it was hard to even make myself take the vitamins and do the basics tbh. But all of it really did help and by the time I went to the dr I mostly had good days and was actually feeling pretty normal. I did have a bunch of bloodwork done but I haven't got the results back, I still feel like something is just not quite right and the last few weeks I've been having bad days again, along with decreased energy. I'm trying to get back more diligent with it all. I've figured out for me the vitamins do really help but I've got to make sure I get sleep- I have to go to bed early. Food makes a big difference in how I feel. I keep gaining weight as well, which is one of the things that made me finally call, sadly. 

 

After I made the call for the appt I wish I would have called sooner. I struggled with PPD after ds and I told myself that I wouldn't do it again but yet I did. It can be so hard to recognize from inside. I remember one day realizing I was depressed and then feeling so stupid that I hadn't realized it sooner.  I'm generally big on natural stuff but I told dh that when these test results come back I'm willing to take just about anything to help me feel normal.

 

http://www.rebuildfromdepression.com/omega-3-how-much-how-long/

[VeteranMom]

I'd see a primary care doctor and have a thorough phyical exam prior to settling on a diagnosis of depression.  Some things to check- tsh, b12, vitamin D, CBC, etc.  My depression and anxiety wasn't "depression".  It was a severe B12 deficiency.  I was very low on vitamin D, too.  If your diagnosis turns out to be depression, there are a lot of good meds out there to help.  I understand not being able to function and not wanting to be a part of life.  I hope you can find the help you need. :grouphug: