Only me Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 My mom has been battling cancer for 4 years. Today she just found out she has 3-4 or if we are lucky 6 months to live. Any ideas how I can make these last few months special for her and to let her know how much she means to us. Right now she is not bedridden and not in too much pain but will probably go downhill fast. She is unable to travel very far and doesn't have an appetite. We live about an hour away but haven't been able to see her very much this winter since we didn't want to risk her catching our colds etc. we are supposed to go on vacation next week to visit my daughter unless it turns out my mom has a blockage and needs surgery. When we get back I really want to spend time with her and celebrate her life. I also don't know how to help my dad deal with this he is taking it so hard. Would it be appropriate for me to want to take some pictures with her and the kids and my parents together etc. I just don't know how to handle this, what to say, how to act. We are very close. On the practical side what needs to be done now. What should I plan for since it will be harder once the time is closer. If she is still stable we are leaving for Disney on Saturday to go visit my daughter who is doing the college program down there. We have not told daughter that it has spread more since she left in January. I feel we will have to tell her while we are down there. Dd has a history of severe depression and I'm not sure how she is going to handle the news. This is the reason we are even still considering still going down there. Dd will not take it well. Prayers would be appreciated. When she first found out my moms cancer spread again in October she was away at school and ended up having a meltdown and suicidal thoughts and came home for a short medical leave. She will not handle this well and doesn't have close friends down there so we will need to be there for her. Please pray that my mom won't need surgery and that we can still go see daughter. The vacation part isn't important but being there for my daughter is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I'm so sorry. :( I'll pray for your mom, you, your dd, and the rest of your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I am sorry. Praying for your family now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I think letting Mom call the shots would be the best. She knows what she is up to and what not and the rest of the family may have to be flexible enough if things change on a short notice. By all means, take pictures if Mom is okay with it, ask about family history, write things down. If your Mom is well enough, she could write a letter to each of the grandchildren. My grandmother wrote me regularly because she was almost deaf and could not hear / talk on the phone. I still have every single letter and read them occasionally. She has been dead over 20 years. You can make smoothies for her - if that is something she'd enjoy. When an aunt was dying, we went on all kinds of culinary adventures during her last few months but she had not lost her appetite. Perhaps sit down and watch a favorite movie with her. If she likes to talk about the past, listen. My aunt had so many great stories to tell. Her hospital bed was put in her living room near the kitchen where all the action was and I would sit next to her crocheting while she told me events from long ago. Sometimes we laughed until the walls shook. Those are precious memories. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharonM Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am so sorry for you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers. I think that if this was my mom, I would do everything I could just to be with her. Doing whatever she wanted or nothing. Just being with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I totally can't find the virtual hug icon! but I wanted you to know: (((hug))) Some one else said to let her take the lead, and that's probably the best advice. One of the things that I've heard often is that in the end, the person dying feels okay with it and they wind up comforting the ones they have to leave behind. I'm so sorry, it must be so difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I guess I would try and spend as time as I could with her, letting her know how much she is loved and making as many good memories as possible. I would also start letting her know you will be fine without her and to not let her feel that you and yours will fall apart-- you know how us moms can be-- we think we hold the world together. Let her pass from this world knowing that her job has been done well. Listen when she talks about death and listen for her fears-- don't brush the subject away because it makes you uncomfortable-- this isn't about you. I am guessing your father won't be able to do this so you will have to. This is also what needs to be told to DD-- buck up -- this isn't about you, but about making the patient feel good about dieing. Fake it til you make it sort of thing. DD is gonna have to be strong. Put yourself in her shoes and think about what you would be thinking and try to "talk" to your dieing self and say what you think you would need to hear/do/ say. If you have to-- call some of the hospice centers and talk to a counselor. I am sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: ideas: my cousin took his mom to visit friends on her good days to spend time with them. she loved that. (she had bone cancer). he also did interviews with her that were recorded so that we all had a record of her life as she wanted it remembered. (there was a company that helped with that). we moved into dfil's home for his last two months. (he had pancreatic cancer). dh did as much caregiving as dfil wanted, and we were there when he wanted company. some days, that was just to snuggle one of the babies. other times, it was to tell stories. my folks are still doing well, but i have spent weeks in the past few years recording 75 things i remember about each one of them. i have cried buckets in advance, but feel better prepared for it now. my brother has been going thru photos, to the same effect. many years ago, as my grandfather was dying, i spent time each day listening to him tell stories; i was seven. it was a treasured time for us both. if its possible to touch base with your dds councillor, they may have an idea about the most helpful approach with your dd. when does her semester end? i am thinking if it ends in six weeks or so, is it possible to hold off telling her until she gets home at end of term? usually, i don't recommend with holding information, but if there is a risk of suicide, it may be worth considering. her counciller will know better what might make the most sense. many hugs, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherri in MI Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 So sorry to hear this. You have a lot to handle with your mom and your daughter. I think some of the other posters had some good ideas and you are on the right track wanting to be there for your mom. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Only me Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Ann my daughter won't finish her internship at Disney until May 30th. I don't think I can wait to tell her in case things really take a turn for the worse. Dd will want to come home in time to spend time with my mom. If we just called to tell her it was near the end it would even be more of a shock. Someone also said that I need to make this about my mom which of course is true but due to my daughters previous reaction I also have to keep her safe. I know we all need to be strong for my mom but my daughter can't help her mental illness. She can be tough around my mom but I don't think she can handle finding out about this 1000 miles away from home by herself. I need to be there for her too. This is so hard I think I will just follow my moms lead to see what she would like to do. It's probably as simple as just spending time with family and knowing that we will be ok and will be there for my dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You are absolutely right that you need to be there for your daughter, and to tell her in person. Do what you need to do for her. Your mom- Call in hospice, they will be a great help and comfort to your mom, dad, and the rest of you. Yes to taking pictures, lots of them. Record your conversations, even on paper if she doesn't want you to do audio/video. Make her comfort foods to tempt her appetite. Jello if she doesn't want regular food. It has protein, isn't heavy, and is good for those days where she doesn't want to eat. I think my mom lived on jello the last two weeks of her life. If she can't travel to see friends, it might be nice to invite her closest friends over for tea or something, if she's up for short visits. Go through photos, and write down peoples names that you don't know and other important information. Mostly, just let her know you love her, and spend as much time w/ her as possible. At this point, don't worry about not seeing her because you are afraid of kids making her sick. I lost some time w/ my mom for that very reason. I would do it differently if I could. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am sorry. I've unfortunately been in your position. Honestly, I did a few things that really helped us: -We moved her in with us until she needed more pain management options and moved to hospice. I'd just had my younger son and it was clear that her 14 year stint of living with cancer was going to end sooner rather than later. It was lovely to have that time altogether. -we did a video of the grandkids and us asking her questions about her life. The insights she shared were valuable and precious to me. -we took a portrait of her and my sons. A photographer came to our house. -between the new baby and my mom, we decided that I would quit my job. I quit in January. My mom died in June. I started a new job in October. It cost us quite a lot of savings and such but there is never going to be a moment in my life I will look back and think or say "you know what? I wish I had spent less time with my dying mother and newborn son". Says no one at all, ever. I am so privileged that I was able to do that. -when the time came, the hospice was amazing. We stayed with her. Having her there let them care for all of us in some ways. It also meant that we didn't have to worry about her meds and transfers and hygeine needs so we were able to just be with her. -we decorated her hospice room with photos and bought her all new pajamas. She loved those pajamas even though, ever the skinflint, she worried about the price. -she really, really wanted to watch Maude. This means Bea Arthur is strangely mixed up in my memories of that last month. I sat with her and we watched the whole thing and talked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Negin Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am so very sorry and will keep your mom, you, and your family in my prayers. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I would definitely have family pictures taken with the kids, if possible while you are visiting Florida so that your oldest can be included as well. I would also consider getting one of the family history books (red envelope sells a very nice one) for your mother to work on filling out. That and videos of her telling family stories and answering questions would be great things to have for your children. http://gifts.redenvelope.com/gifts/story-of-a-lifetime-27262095?ref=HomeNoRef&q=book&viewpos=4&trackingpgroup=productsearch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am so sorry. If your daughter is that unstable, it may be time to talk to a psych and have her talking to a therapist on a regular basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Only me Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Wooly socks my dd does see a psych and therapist when she is at school and at home but doesn't have one down in Florida. She has had a bit of a rough time over the past year having two friends die-one in nov and one in dec and dealing with some other things at school. She is getting help and is on meds. She just needs a bit more tlc right now and doesn't handle things well. I think she is actually doing a bit better these past few months but I still think she needs to be with us when she finds out about my mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I will pray for your mom, your dd, and your entire family. :grouphug: You sound like a beautiful, loving person and your mom and dd are blessed to have you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. I think I would try to get pictures if she is understanding about it. I'd also spend as much time with her as I could, even letting some things slide like academics sometimes if the visit has to be in the middle of a weekday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Spend time with your mom, take pictures, celebrate her life while she is still with you. When my dad was doing so poorly I had a photo album that had various pictures from throughout his life. I made a point to choose ones that had other people in them especially some of his aunts and uncles that had already died. This was the best conversation starter ever when family came to visit and did not know what to say. My dad was so proud that I had made it for him that he wanted to show everyone and it ended up being a great ice breaker. My best advice is probably going to be the hardest. Get her affairs in order, plan the funeral now while she is able to help, make sure her will is updated and you know where the insurance and financial papers are. My dad (and stepmother) refused to believe it was even possible that my dad was going to die even after they were told by the multiple doctors on his team. It was apparent to all those around him. When my dad passed there were no arrangements so we had to make them the next day while our minds were clouded with grief. He funeral ended up being an over the top affair that in no way suited him. Then when it was time to settle the estate we were greeted with a hodge podge of papers to the point that 12 years later the estate is still not settled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datgh Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I agree with others to let your Mom and Dad take the lead. Try and spend as much time with her now as you can because as she gets closer to the end she may not be up for much and the situation could change quickly. My Dad passed away last fall. We were told he probably had six months but he went downhill so fast that before we knew it (three weeks) he wasn't really up for visitors and spent almost all day sleeping. I think the fight was just gone and he was ready to go. I assume hospice is involved and if they aren't yet please do it ASAP. I can't say enough about hospice!!! They took care of my Dad as he was dying last fall. They made sure he was comfortable including giving him any medication he needed to make him so. When it was determined Dad needed medical equipment, they would have it there in hours. They walked my Mom through what to expect which was tough to hear but at least she knew and was prepared. They also where there for my Mom every step of the way making sure she was OK even checking up on her after my Dad was gone. They will be a blessing to your Dad. Plan on running back and forth a lot going forward. Even though Hospice will do a lot, your Dad will still be her primary care giver and he will get weary. My Mom said it was a previlige to take care of my Dad and she was up for it but even she got weary and just needed someone to talk to. I would go and stay with my Dad so Mom could go out for a while. The hospice social worker who will also be involved in caring for your Mom and Dad may even be able to give you ideas that will help you with your daughter. If your daughter wants to see her grandmother, bring her home sooner rather then waiting until she is done in May. If your Mom is willing to talk about her final wishes, it will help your family when the time comes and you can spend time grieving as a family rather then running around trying to do everything and hoping it is what she would have wanted. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you and your family. I know how stressful and sad a time it can be but it can also be a wonderful time to reconnect with family especially your siblings as you celebrate your Mom's life together and walk down memory lane. My Mom, siblings and I shed a lot of tears together but we also laughed a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so sorry to hear this. I'll share my experience and maybe it will be helpful to you. My aunt passed away recently of cancer, she was like a mom to my sisters and me. We spent as much time with her as we could. She mostly enjoyed watching TV with us. We painted her nails and toenails often, and gave her foot rubs. She loved getting her picture taken and would pose with anyone. We also got some video of her interacting with her grandsons (though she didn't know I was taping). She loved reminiscing about old times and we made sure to note her stories in our memories. We spread the word to our huge extended family when we knew things weren't looking good. She didn't necessarily enjoy all the company, but it was mostly so people could visit knowing they could see her one last time. She moved in with my parents, who cooked her meals from scratch, round the clock. We also picked up any restaurant food that she wanted. The massive steroids caused her to eat all the time, though she lost her appetite the last few weeks. We kind of took over her care and decisions for her, she was too weak from the chemo to really care, and slightly confused from brain metastases. She had radiation to her brain, not to cure, but to decrease her confusion caused by the tumors that had spread there. That was a blessing, because she was able to enjoy the time so much more after that. The last week was very hard for her, and us, especially her last 24 hours. It was very, very difficult to see her struggling to breathe, which is one of the last stages. That is when hospice came in with very strong meds to sedate her, and we surrounded her bed the entire day, talking to her, holding her hand, keeping her clean and talking even though the meds made her incoherent. Hospice was already set up and ready to go, and waited until we thought she was at that point. She ignored the hospice nurses when they were there, but it was such a blessing to have them help her through this. If she hadn't have moved in with my parents, she would have been hospitalized, as she could not care for herself at all the last few months. It was overwhelming and stressful for my parents, but we took turns caring for her. Overall, we are so thankful for the time we got to spend with her and that she was surrounded by family the last few months. I highly, highly recommend getting one of these fingerprint pendants made. Each of us sisters bought a fingerprint kit and we made them right before she passed, and we now wear her fingerprint on a necklace. The directions are cumbersome, but they turned out perfect. I think they are available from several places, but I'll link to the company we used and they turned out very nice. http://www.prairiecreations.com/index.html I hope you make some beautiful memories with your mother and that your daughter handles this ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: if its possible to touch base with your dds councillor, they may have an idea about the most helpful approach with your dd. when does her semester end? i am thinking if it ends in six weeks or so, is it possible to hold off telling her until she gets home at end of term? usually, i don't recommend with holding information, but if there is a risk of suicide, it may be worth considering. her counciller will know better what might make the most sense. many hugs, ann you are a good mom. this is what i mentioned about helping your dd. even her local-to-you councillor may have ideas that would help about how to tell her. (and of course being tough isn't a solution, just the way it wouldn't be a solution if her leg was broken. i think it was a different poster you were referring to....) this makes you truly the sandwich generation. another thought would be if there were any way your dd could just move home now? take a leave of absence, so to speak? is that possible? hugs, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I'm so sorry. Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: No words of wisdom, my friend. Just :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scwendy Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 First, I am very sorry and will be thinking of your family. My grandmother died after a protracted fight with cancer, and we lived about an hour away. We went to visit her every single weekend. If her health and your schedule allows, I highly recommend it. I feel so blessed to have had all that extra time with her while she was still comfortable and alert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. It's always too soon to lose a loved one. I started a similar thread a month or two ago and got a lot of good responses http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/498145-if-youve-lost-your-momdad-what-do-you-wish-you-had-done-in-the-last-days-weeks-months/?hl=%2Bumsami+%2Bdad#entry5394174http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/498145-if-youve-lost-your-momdad-what-do-you-wish-you-had-done-in-the-last-days-weeks-months/?hl=%2Bumsami+%2Bdad#entry5394174 If it all interests you, there are a couple of books I read on "Death Midwifery" which were good: "The Art of Death Midwifery" "Sacred Dying: Creating Rituals for Embracing the End of Life" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Of course, take lots of pictures. I'd hire a photographer to come to one of your homes or a nice park or somewhere special to all of you (or just a studio if that is more comfortable), and I'd get lots of good photos of your folks, your Mom, your entire family together, etc. They will be precious in years to come. Some video footage would be nice, too. If your mom reliably has enough good time left to wait until your dd is done with her time at Disney, I don't think it would be totally wrong to wait until she is done to tell her, but I personally couldn't do it, as I am a big fat blabbermouth about everything. The world wouldn't come to a crumbling halt if your dd got upset enough to bail out on the program mid-way, but that is the risk you take by informing her now. The alternative of waiting to tell her, though, would, for me, be worse, in that the trust bond might be seriously harmed by not sharing the info now. Personally, I'd tell her during this trip, and I'd just be willing to support her decision to leave if that is what ends up needing to happen. Hopefully, it won't, but it could, and I wouldn't exert a lot of pressure on dd to stick it out if she really wants to leave now. I'd push hard for her to take at least 2 weeks to decide, though, and I'd readily offer to fly her home for one or more extra visits during the coming months to ease her fear of missing out on saying goodbye and/or to simply offer her that connection. Perhaps you could fly her home for a 4-6 day visit (I am sure she could get approved time off for this), and schedule a family celebration/photos/etc during that time. Maybe for Mother's Day? ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) I am so sorry you are all going through this. Be very kind to yourself during the coming year, and allow for everyone in the family to grieve in their own ways. Don't look for trouble, don't judge others, and just be kind to each other. I think it takes a full year after losing a parent to at all function normally, so my advice would be to simply budget time, money, and energy for anything that makes your lives more bearable in the interim. Enjoy your time together as much as you can, take care of your own little family and your self, let go of all unimportant obligations and expectations, and focus simply on the things that truly matter. Say no right now to any volunteer/jobs/uber-mom obligations you have, and take the extra time to be gentle with yourselves, exercise, do yoga, get massages, watch silly movies, etc -- whatever nourishes your souls and relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Praying for you all :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Only me Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Thank you for all of your prayers, kind words and wonderful advice. Yet another reason why I go on this board even though I am no longer homeschooling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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