When grandparents come over...

[LifeLovePassion]

Do they ask your kids to read to them? And if they do this, do they still do it a siblings birthday party and not just a regular visit?

 

Do they try to bribe information out of them? ("I'll give you a piece of candy if you tell me a Bible verse")

 

I'm trying to get a feel for normal or not.

 

[Just Kate]

Ummm...no, they don't. Seems very abnormal to me.

[momto3innc]

Not normal.  Never happened here.  (Kids usually want to tell them something they've learned...don't think grandparents have ever asked once).

[Teresa in MO]

No, not normal.  I am the grandmother of 5 gc and no I would never do this.

[Joanne]

I'm not sure about "normal" but I would call it unhealthy and unacceptable and I'd stop it.

[OneStepAtATime]

Nope.  Well, unless I specifically have asked my reading specialist mother to help me assess a reading issue...

 

Although I do recall my grandmother pulling out a book from my dad's childhood and asking if I wanted to read it to her.  Happened one time, and I think it was just because she found the book, thought I might like it and also felt nostalgic.

[Spryte]

No.  Not acceptable behavior, even if it's become the norm in your family recently.  Put a stop to it.  

[texasmama]

Nope.  I would consider this to be intrusive and would ask for it to stop.

[T'smom]

My parents would ask to be read to. It wouldn't be in a negative way, they are BIG readers and sharing books is a big part of the family culture on my side. Because ds is in Awana, I can see them asking what verse he is working on too. Not the bribing part, but just in a way that they want to know what's going on in his life. If he said no though, they wouldn't press the issue. It may also come into play that my parents live a looooong way away and visits are always at least a week long.

[bolt.]

Children reading a book to adults is a normal way of "playing together" for kids and grandparents (and many others) in my family -- the same as it would be "Would you like to play cards with me?" Or "Would you like to do some baking together today." Or "Should we play with a puzzle?"

 

At a party? It depends if those other kinds of one-on-one "play with the toys and books" were going in between kids and adults (vs organized activities or other styles of play).

 

The bribery for bible verses seems a bit "off" -- but I don't know if that's my distaste for socially conditioned paediatric pseudo religiosity -- or just a sense that they are acting like they seem to be testing and evaluating you / the kids.

 

Do you get the impression they are "testing and evaluating"? Do the kids? Or does it feel like fun and games?

 

Many grandparents have fond memories of their own grandparents -- so they tend to "import" modes of relating that have their roots 50 years ago, because they were pleasant to a child of 50 years ago. This can be thoughtlessly done and well meant, but still not fit right with current sensibilities. Watch for "something my grandmother did for me" as a possible 1-dimensional motive, even if the actions seem to have poor implications.

 

In this case, If you said, "What are you trying to accomplish?" They might respond bewildered-ly, "Accomplish? There's nothing! I'm just doing grandparent things because they are the things grandparents do -- aren't they? They are the things I remember my grandparents doing.@

[LifeLovePassion]

Thanks, that was what I was thinking. I try not to let the kids be alone with said grandparents due to this type of stuff. Ugh, it's so hard and stressful, because they see nothing wrong, even when I have mentioned it.

 

They don't bother to just talk to the kids, because if they did they'd realize both girls finished their AWANA book before Christmas (most kids take all school year to get through the book) and have gone on to the extra credit book, which very few even get to.

[LMV]

I don't think either my MIL or mom (or FIL or step-dad) would ask the kids to read in a test/quizzing scenario.  Both DD4 and DFD5 have only been really reading well (as in can read sentences and pages of actual books) for under a year so they are both still a little into "doing it themselves" and would probably rather read to than be read to so they definitely do.  My FIL does really good voices so the girls will sometimes let him do the cool parts because they think it is cool so then it is a group effort (and incredibly cute---my BIL's wife had caught a clip of this on her phone at Christmas time and posted it as reason#102 that she and DBIL need to have children).

 

I also think that sometimes any and all of the grandparents may ask the kids things out of curiosity about what they understand or what they believe about something.  They don't do this in judgmental score keeping fashion but just as part of normal interaction.  Some nice teachable moments or discussions come out of some of these questions.  They may also ask questions to get some background if they are going to do something with the kids (or they may ask DH or I ahead of time). 

[LifeLovePassion]

 

Do you get the impression they are "testing and evaluating"? Do the kids? Or does it feel like fun and games?

 

It feels like testing, dd1 is not assertive. She is just started reading chapter books on her own in the last month and enjoying it so I can see how far she's come. After a phone call from the grandparents the other day asking if she'd read to grandma at her sisters party,  I did talk to her and told her she can say  "no, I'd rather play a game". (I keep the kids on speaker).

 

And it would be fine if they asked in a respectful manner about the verses, it's part of our life, it's just always done not in my presence and more like quizzing. It does make me chuckle though because they always say John 3:16, when really they know a lot of verses.

[Tammi K]

Never happened with a grandparent but my daughter's orthodontist used to do it to her all of the time. 

 

There is a definite line between giving a kid an opportunity to impress you and trying to discern their ignorance. You probably have a feel for which is the case with the grandparents.

 

ETA: If you think it just might be grandparents who really are interested but just are too forward, you might invest in one or two of these books:  Read to Me, I'll Read to You

 

They are great for providing a fun frame work for shared reading without putting the child on the spot.

[JustEm]

Asking to be read to would be entirely innocent if asked by grandparent here, even if at a party since we only do laid back family celebrations. Bribing to pry information would not be OK and wouldn't happen.

[zoobie]

Grandparents have had books brought to them by the kids to read and "show off," and if it were a longer visit or overnight, I'm sure there has been shared reading. Definitely not in a evaluating manner, and nothing involving bribery.

[5of5]

FIL used to quiz the kids but not his public-schooled grandchildren until I point it out.

[LostSurprise]

DH's grandmother asks the boys to read to her. If they don't want to she asks if she can read with them (meaning she will read and they will sit on her lap or on the chair arm). She's the only GP who does this. She has good memories doing that with her children and grandchildren. I find it charming. 

 

Not sure if she would do it at a party, unless it was a really long party and she wanted some distraction or a child needed some distraction. With your situation, I can imagine it, but only if she hasn't seen the boys for awhile and she wants them to know she's excited for their new skills. 

 

Oh, and she wants the boys to play instruments for her too. Totally normal in that family culture. 

 

My father does the bible verse thing but it is a very specific thing at Christmas with geld (chocolate coins), kind of an interactive Christmas story with rewards. One of my siblings is not raising her children in the faith and they live with my parents so it's gotten awkward and exclusive so it's been discontinued the last few years.

 

I don't think either is that weird by itself, unless it bothers the child or you. If you don't like it step in and say something. I've stepped in when one of my kids feels embarrassed playing their instrument for Gramma X. Sometimes as a parent we pick those things up easier then a GP might. 

[FaithManor]

Never had it happen, and would not have put up with it, especially if it were geared specifically to the homeschooled grand children and NOT the public or private schooled ones.

[Hikin' Mama]

No, my kids' grandparents never did this. I'm now a grandma and would not do this. Granted my little gd is only 5 months old, but when she's old enough to read, I won't do it.

[MysteryJen]

My mom did this and it was a problem. However, my dad would read to them and then they would take over as he would get things mixed up or start making things up (dementia). They didn't have any problem reading to my dad, but flat out refused to read to my mom. They knew, as kids know, when it is a test.

[bolt.]

I'm truly surprised how many of you would actually avoid the pleasure of having a child read to you (as a grandparent) just in case the child might feel quizzed. I love reading with kids.

 

(Of course, I see that many would want to avoid it if its awkward or unwelcome.)

 

To me, that's like avoiding baking with grand kids just because it might involve fractions.

 

As a grandparent, I hope to be part of at least some learning-like experiences with grand kids... The joy of learning is part of life. I don't want to give up on sharing that with grand kids. I hope it won't be unwelcome.

[abba12]

a lot of people here probably immediately get the 'I'm testing if youre really schooling your kids' vibe and responding. and they're quite right, if you think the grandparent is trying to see if the kids are 'up to scratch' and testing them then you need to step in and end it.

 

but my grandparents always wanted to see us show off because it gave them enjoyment to see our accomplishments (and those accomplishments were not judged by our age, they were just as proud to see my dyslexic sister read as they were to see me play clarinet). my grandma is now actively involved with my kids, she comes over weekly and she is always quizzing them, right now it's usually about math. I also know she is completely pro homeschooling. she even asked to do a 'lesson' with dd1 a couple of weeks ago, they both loved it. so the point is, it CAN be totally normal and ok. it depends on the motivation and only you can gauge that

[MysteryJen]

Bolt, you will be a wonderful grandparent. My mom was looking for problems that she could use in her long standing war against homeschooling.  When my dd2 was struggling (dyslexia), the last thing she needed was her grandmother whispering and shaking her head about her decoding skills.

 

Frankly, it was the last thing I needed as well.

 

Some people are not so good at being a grandparent.

[LifeLovePassion]

I would totally welcome it if it was more natural, like in a curled up by the fireplace for the afternoon setting. Or if it was the kids idea rather than feeling like a quiz during a few hour visit every couple of months. There is no asking of open ended questions to them like "have you read any good books lately". DD isn't into reading aloud even to me, I don't need her forcing herself just to be uncomfortable.  The kids are starting to feel it here, and I think this is the bigger issue.

 

My girls are the only grandchildren, so it's not a HS/PS thing. It is more of a calling HS into question as a whole. But not to my face even though I've asked (nicely) if they have concerns about it so we could have an open discussion from the beginning.

 

And if the verse thing was a tradition, I'd have no issue...it is the secrecy part of it (away from mom/dad) part that bothers me.

 

Add all this to the fact that the other side is not like this at all and can see the girls are learning without the quizzing element.

 

[Freckles]

Normal in my extended family. My kids loved to read to anybody when they were little, and we all like candy. It seems like a generational thing to me. I wouldn't be looking for offense where none is intended. Well, unless it is. :)

[Amira]

I'm with Bolt and abba12  and Freckles here (and probably others I've missed).  My mother asks my children to read to her and play the piano and guitar for her because she genuinely enjoys listening to them, even if they sound awful or can barely read. She even plans Skype visits where they play their instruments for her. It's never even occurred to me that it would feel like testing, and my children are welcome to say no if they don't want to do it.  If someone doesn't want to read to her, she'll suggest something else to do together.  I'm thinking Dh's stepdad has done the candy thing and it doesn't bother me.  I try to only let things bother me if they are a problem for my children (unless they're blatantly a problem).

[Tangerine]

Intent.  It is all about intent.  If my mom asked them to read to her it would be so she could hear their sweet little voices and spend time with them.  If DH's mother did that, it would be to point out their speech impediment or correct whatever she deemed unacceptable in their delivery.

[Pawz4me]

Asking young kids to read is perfectly normal in our family culture.  And youngest was so advanced in math that it was normal for both sets of grandparents to give him addition/subtraction problems to do (he could add/subtract three-digit numbers in his head before he started kindergarten).

 

I agree that intent matters, though.  My kids' grandparents did such things because they were bursting with pride.  And FWIW both of mine started off in public school, so asking them to read or do math problems had absolutely nothing to do with homeschooling.

[applethyme]

My children ask the grandparents to read to them.  Not the other way around.  My kids love to hear their favorite stories read to them by the grandparents. 

[countrygal]

I had an uncle of mine as my just started 1st grader to read the Pizza Hut menu (my sister told me this because he did it when I left the table.) I consider it not normal. It is about intent. You could teach your child to say "I only perform for cash." Maybe he'd make some money (it'd be funny to see if someone pays him...)

[Sisyphus]

Ug. We had a set of grandparents who did this- even after being asked to stop, gramma roped grandpa (who is a sweet but very clueless old man) into doing it. Yeah, everyone noticed grandpa, who normally snores in a chair, hit the kid up to read. My youngest had vision trouble, still does but at age 5-7 was in the diagnosing/trying things and therapies stage. Gramma was convinced home schooling, not eyes, was the reason. Another child had a grandkid with vision problems too a few years later, and miraculously had the same issues despite being in public school, and gramma finally knocked it off and even apologized, sort of.

 

You can tell the intent, and if it's "testing", please put a stop to it. It will damage their relationship forever if not, ask me how I know.

[GSOchristie]

No, not even my crazy MIL who is anti-homeschooling.  When A began reading really well, we asked him to read a book to my parents, but that is the only time he's read a book for them to my knowledge.  

[HS Mom in NC]

No.  That's not normal.  I wouldn't put up with it.  I've had non-relatives try this, but my kids are under strict orders to only do quizzes I give them or dad gives them. Evaluations are a parent's job-not a grandparent's job.  What I read in your post makes it seem like an evaluation. Granted it's not a whole lot to go on, but that's my impression.

My grandparents read to me and I read to them when I was little according to my ability.  My parents read to my kids and my kids read to them according to their abilities when they were  little.  It's all completely optional (even for my middle daughter who wasn't really ready to start reading until she was almost 8) and a warm fun experience with no judgment or criticism the way they did it. If that's the atmosphere, then it's a way to encourage a love of reading.

[Seasider]

I love to hear kids read! That said, when I am a gramma, I am going to make sure those sweeties know that I am a *safe* person to read with. No doubt with my failing eyes I will make as many decoding errors as they do and at most we will fall into giggles together.

 

I completely agree with Tangerine - it's all about intent. 

 

My nearing-80 mother works with underprivileged 4th graders, reinforcing reading skills and math facts. When I asked her about what she does with them (teaching techniques), her first answer was, "They mostly just need hugging on."  

[Catwoman]

I agree that it's all about intent. The reading thing could be a test, or it could be a way for the grandparents to connect with your kids over favorite stories. The bribery could be a test, or it could be that Grandpa likes to give the kids a little spending money when he visits, so he has turned it into a little game.

 

The bottom line for me would be how my children felt about it. If they were fine with it and thought it was fun, I'd be OK with it, too, but if they felt pressured or uncomfortable, I'd tell the grandparents to knock it off.

[sunflowerlady]

I could see myself doing this at some point with future grandchildren. To me it would seem like a normal enjoyable way to bond and spend time together.

 

As for grandpa offering prizes for reciting verses, I don't see anything wrong with that either. It kind of sounds like just the sort of thing grandpas do.

[vonfirmath]

My parents would ask to be read to. It wouldn't be in a negative way, they are BIG readers and sharing books is a big part of the family culture on my side. Because ds is in Awana, I can see them asking what verse he is working on too. Not the bribing part, but just in a way that they want to know what's going on in his life. If he said no though, they wouldn't press the issue. It may also come into play that my parents live a looooong way away and visits are always at least a week long.

 

My dad is coming this weekend and I fully expect my son will end up reading to him AND sharing what he is doing in AWANAs. Both are important in our family so they will come out in the visit as well.

[happypamama]

No. They might ask the kids what they're learning about in school, or if I have prompted them ahead of time, they might ask if the kids want to show off a new skill, like reading or memory work or piano skills, but it's all along the lines of connecting with their grandchildren, not pressuring them or bribing them. I would not appreciate that at all.

[ssavings]

My father-in-law asks my kids to read. He'll also work with them on math, or whatever we're studying. (Not Bible verses, but he's not religious). He's not doing it as a quiz, though. It's just him expressing interest in their lives. :-)