Be honest--am I hard to shop for?

[Aura]

I disagree with the idea that any gift represents thought. Hugely disagree. If my dh went to CVS and bought me a cheap thing of chocolates, knowing I like chocolate, then I would be pleased. However, if my dh went to CVS and bought some chocolates just because it was Valentine's Day (or whatever) and felt like he *had* to buy a gift and so just grabbed whatever, then I would feel placated and condescended toward and would most definitely be unhappy. And if by chance, I didn't like chocolate (and I know women IRL that don't!) or something, I'd be upset.

 

So really, IMO, gifts SHOULD require some thought of who you're giving it to! Being given a gift to make the giver feel better is pointless, and I don't think it makes anyone picky to say that.

 

OTOH, people can definitely put too much requirement on the giver. If the giver is making an effort (even if seems small to you) to please you, then I think some grace should be extended and the gifted should assume the best. If the giver is obviously doing it just 'cause it's expected or to make himself feel like he's done a good thing, then...well...I think you have a right to be upset.

 

IMO, it really does depend on the situation!

[Moxie]

You're putting an awful lot of emotional weight on gift-giving.

 

You both might enjoy gift-giving more if you let go of the idea that every gift every time has to be amazingly sweet and involve effort.

 

You'll be delighted and surprised when he does put in extra effort.

You won't be disappointed when he doesn't.

He'll be relieved of the burden of having to come up with a perfect gift every time.

He'll be delighted when he does hit the mark.

 

Make the man a list. :)

 

Cat

I really am putting zero emotional weight in this. It is just something DH and I were discussing and disagreed about. I'm just making conversation here. He's not in the dog house!

 

And a big NO to the list. I would rather get nothing then get something I wanted that he just picked off a list. Yuck. I hate that idea.

 

And, again, there is no drama here. I'm not crying in my pillow about Valentine's Day. Just making conversation.

[Catwoman]

And a big NO to the list. I would rather get nothing then get something I wanted that he just picked off a list. Yuck. I hate that idea.

But don't you see that you are setting him up for failure?

 

After 15 years, it's safe to assume that he's not a mind-reader, nor is he creative or intuitive when it comes to gift-buying, so throw the poor guy a bone. He wants to please you, and I think you should appreciate the sentiment and his good intentions, and focus on helping him choose the right gifts, so he can feel like he's making you happy.

 

You'll end up with stuff you want, and he will feel like he did a nice thing for you. Win-win. :)

[readwithem]

You are making my point. I would love an Amazon gc because it would mean that DH notices that I buy things on Amazon all the time. I buy all my make-up (not a small amount) at Ulta. An Ulta gc would be great! I'm not looking for the world's most perfect gift--just something with some thought put into it.

 

I feel like I should add that I'm not having a big hissy fit when I get lotion or some other generic gift. I am an adult. I also don't have these gift issues with other people in my life--just the guy I've been sleeping with for 15 years!

 

Have you ever told you dh you would like an Amazon gc or an Ulta gc?  I have several family members who think a gc is more of a copout than generic flowers or a generic gift from the drug store...

[sunflowerlady]

So ideally, what do you want him to do? What would it look like? You don't want a "generic" gift, you don't want the gift you told him you wanted and you don't want to give him a list of ideas.  You say you want him to put thought into it. How would that work? It sounds like he is supposed to be a mind reader. Is a spouse just supposed to "know" what their partner would like? 

 

If I sat down and thought about what my dh would want, I would come up with fishing stuff. That is his hobby. Sometimes I buy him that and sometimes I buy other things. Other than fishing stuff, I come up with nothing when I put thought into it.

 

I am not picking on you. :)  I am just curious since we are having this conversation. 

[Moxie]

OK, I think I'm missing the point here.

 

In your earlier example, you hinted at a specific gift. Your dh ordered it and gave it to you on your birthday, but you were upset that he didn't wrap it.

 

But now you're saying that an Amazon or Ulta gift card would be great, and would show that he put thought into it. :confused:

 

He's probably afraid to buy you a gift card, because he may figure you'll think it was an easy, thoughtless, cop-out gift, because he didn't have to go out and shop for something super-special. And are you sure you wouldn't respond to the gift card with, "I can't believe that all he did was go online and buy me a gift card. Any idiot could buy an Amazon gift card. Everyone shops at Amazon, so it's not special."

 

I'm getting a conflicting message from you, so I wouldn't doubt your dh is feeling the same way.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh. It's just that it seems like your poor dh is trying, but probably thinks nothing he does will be good enough for you, because it seems like you want him to be a mind-reader.

I sent him a link to a wallet I liked. He ordered it and handed it to me. Great. Now I have the wallet I wanted but he put no thought into that gift. I've birthed his 5 children, I don't think asking for 10 minutes of thought on my birthday is too much.

[CAMom]

I really am putting zero emotional weight in this. It is just something DH and I were discussing and disagreed about. I'm just making conversation here. He's not in the dog house!

 

And a big NO to the list. I would rather get nothing then get something I wanted that he just picked off a list. Yuck. I hate that idea.

 

And, again, there is no drama here. I'm not crying in my pillow about Valentine's Day. Just making conversation.

 

I started off thinking your were being unreasonable. Then, when you said you'd be happy with an Amazon gift card or and Ulta gift card, I was being swayed back towards your side. Now, with this one, I'm back to you being somewhat unreasonable in your expectations. ;)

 

A NO to a list? So, you do expect him to be a mind reader. :lol:

 

Like some of the other posters, I keep a "gift ideas for my family" board on Pinterest and an Amazon wish list. I just throw anything on there that strikes my fancy from Kate Spade bags to dishtowels. My family can look at them at any time to get an idea of where my tastes are gravitating at any given time or to pick something specific that they know I would like for certain.

 

My dh has come up with some truly amazing and thoughtful gifts over our 27 years together. He's also come up with a couple that left me scratching my head. Sometimes, he's told me to buy myself anything I wanted. On occasion, he's bought me something I very specifically asked for. And, he's let birthdays and Valentine's Day go by with no gifts at all. I'm fine with any of it.

 

Knowing how hard it is to buy for someone who expects you to read their mind (my mil!), I feel for your dh. I love to give gifts. I love to put a lot of thought into it. But, if I think my gift might be considered thoughtless, it takes all the fun out of it for me.

[Moxie]

But don't you see that you are setting him up for failure?

 

After 15 years, it's safe to assume that he's not a mind-reader, nor is he creative or intuitive when it comes to gift-buying, so throw the poor guy a bone. He wants to please you, and I think you should appreciate the sentiment and his good intentions, and focus on helping him choose the right gifts, so he can feel like he's making you happy.

 

You'll end up with stuff you want, and he will feel like he did a nice thing for you. Win-win. :)

I don't need him to buy me stuff I want. I have the internet and a debit card. I need him to think "Gosh, how can I show my wife that I appreciate her". He is capable of that he just gets lazy.

[Catwoman]

I really am putting zero emotional weight in this. It is just something DH and I were discussing and disagreed about. I'm just making conversation here. He's not in the dog house!

And a big NO to the list. I would rather get nothing then get something I wanted that he just picked off a list. Yuck. I hate that idea.

And, again, there is no drama here. I'm not crying in my pillow about Valentine's Day. Just making conversation.

I sent him a link to a wallet I liked. He ordered it and handed it to me. Great. Now I have the wallet I wanted but he put no thought into that gift. I've birthed his 5 children, I don't think asking for 10 minutes of thought on my birthday is too much.

Not for anything, but for someone who is "just making conversation," you seem pretty bitter about this.

 

Maybe you should have just made this a JAWM thread. You don't seem to be open to anyone's suggestions. (Obviously, you don't have to be open to them, but you did ask if you were hard to shop for, and you criticized your dh, so I think everyone here has only been trying to help you figure out how to improve the situation.)

[Moxie]

I started off thinking your were being unreasonable. Then, when you said you'd be happy with an Amazon gift card or and Ulta gift card, I was being swayed back towards your side. Now, with this one, I'm back to you being somewhat unreasonable in your expectations. ;)

 

A NO to a list? So, you do expect him to be a mind reader. :lol:

 

Like some of the other posters, I keep a "gift ideas for my family" board on Pinterest and an Amazon wish list. I just throw anything on there that strikes my fancy from Kate Spade bags to dishtowels. My family can look at them at any time to get an idea of where my tastes are gravitating at any given time or to pick something specific that they know I would like for certain.

 

My dh has come up with some truly amazing and thoughtful gifts over our 27 years together. He's also come up with a couple that left me scratching my head. Sometimes, he's told me to buy myself anything I wanted. On occasion, he's bought me something I very specifically asked for. And, he's let birthdays and Valentine's Day go by with no gifts at all. I'm fine with any of it.

 

Knowing how hard it is to buy for someone who expects you to read their mind (my mil!), I feel for your dh. I love to give gifts. I love to put a lot of thought into it. But, if I think my gift might be considered thoughtless, it takes all the fun out of it for me.

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I do expect that he pay a bit of attention. He knows I'm ok with gc's and practical gifts. He hears me complain about lugging the vacuum up the stairs at least once a week--I'd love another vacuum. He teases me about all the make-up haul videos I watch--a make-up gc would be nice. He knows I've started knitting again and we talked about the local yarn shop--a gc there would be nice.

 

See?!? I'm really not hard to shop for but I do require some thought.

[Catwoman]

I don't need him to buy me stuff I want. I have the internet and a debit card. I need him to think "Gosh, how can I show my wife that I appreciate her". He is capable of that he just gets lazy.

Does he show his appreciation in other ways? Is he a good guy? Is he a good father? Does he spend time with you? Is he nice to you? Does he do little things around the house to help you out?

 

I don't know your dh, but it sounds like he probably shows his love and appreciation in ways other than gift-giving.

[Chelli]

I sent him a link to a wallet I liked. He ordered it and handed it to me. Great. Now I have the wallet I wanted but he put no thought into that gift. I've birthed his 5 children, I don't think asking for 10 minutes of thought on my birthday is too much.

 

 

I don't need him to buy me stuff I want. I have the internet and a debit card. I need him to think "Gosh, how can I show my wife that I appreciate her". He is capable of that he just gets lazy.

 

 

I'm scratching my head over here. You say that you were disappointed when he bought you a wallet that you wanted saying that he put no thought into it, but I know my dh and if I told him that I liked something and then he bought it for me that would be his way of showing me that he appreciates me. I would be thrilled! He listened to what I wanted, he bought it without me prodding him, and he gave me something I like. This is a win-win in my book.

 

I feel like your dh. I wouldn't know what to do when it came to purchasing gifts.

[Catwoman]

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I do expect that he pay a bit of attention. He knows I'm ok with gc's and practical gifts. He hears me complain about lugging the vacuum up the stairs at least once a week--I'd love another vacuum. He teases me about all the make-up haul videos I watch--a make-up gc would be nice. He knows I've started knitting again and we talked about the local yarn shop--a gc there would be nice.

 

See?!? I'm really not hard to shop for but I do require some thought.

I hate to say this, but it really does sound like you expect him to read your mind.

 

I still don't understand why you think he's being inconsiderate and thoughtless just because he can't magically figure out what you want. It's like you're testing him or something.

[Jenny in Florida]

I don't need him to buy me stuff I want. I have the internet and a debit card. I need him to think "Gosh, how can I show my wife that I appreciate her". He is capable of that he just gets lazy.

 

No, I'm sorry, but I don't think you're being fair.

 

You don't want him to think about how to show his wife he appreciates her. You want him to show you he appreciates you in exactly the way you've narrowly defined as acceptable to you that he do so.

 

I'm bringing my own baggage to this conversation, absolutely. I have a husband whose various rules and expectations regarding gifts have completely ruined major holidays for me. I seriously begin dreading gift-giving season (beginning with his birthday in September and running through Valentine's Day in February) in June of each year. I have sat in my car crying because I feel like a failure for not being able to give gifts that he will like and appreciate. Finally, I gave up. I now give gifts out of a sense of obligation only, and I do not waste much time trying to figure out if they are "good enough." It stopped being fun a long time ago. It's nothing but a test I fail over and over.

 

I've read your posts here, and I honestly don't have a clue what you want or expect.

 

Buying the exact gift you've hinted at wanting isn't good enough.

You won't give him a list.

Buying you anything you want off the internet is not good enough, because you have your own debit card.

Giving you a gift certificate so you could buy more stuff you want off the internet would be okay.

 

Yeah, I don't blame him for not knowing how to please you.

[Moxie]

Not for anything, but for someone who is "just making conversation," you seem pretty bitter about this.

 

Maybe you should have just made this a JAWM thread. You don't seem to be open to anyone's suggestions. (Obviously, you don't have to be open to them, but you did ask if you were hard to shop for, and you criticized your dh, so I think everyone here has only been trying to help you figure out how to improve the situation.)

Not bitter in the slightest. And I'm not looking for JAWM but I do want to explain my thoughts.

[MFG]

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I do expect that he pay a bit of attention. He knows I'm ok with gc's and practical gifts. He hears me complain about lugging the vacuum up the stairs at least once a week--I'd love another vacuum. He teases me about all the make-up haul videos I watch--a make-up gc would be nice. He knows I've started knitting again and we talked about the local yarn shop--a gc there would be nice.

 

See?!? I'm really not hard to shop for but I do require some thought.

All of those are great ideas. But not everyone will naturally put two and two together and come up with four. I think I would pick up on something like that about 25-30% of the time. Some additional nudges or broad hints could up that percentage considerably.

[Chelli]

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I do expect that he pay a bit of attention. He knows I'm ok with gc's and practical gifts. He hears me complain about lugging the vacuum up the stairs at least once a week--I'd love another vacuum. He teases me about all the make-up haul videos I watch--a make-up gc would be nice. He knows I've started knitting again and we talked about the local yarn shop--a gc there would be nice.

 

See?!? I'm really not hard to shop for but I do require some thought.

 

Okay...this feels like a family comedy sketch or something.

 

I don't know if your dh is like this, but I know that my dh would need a list.

 

1) new vacuum cleaner

2) Ulta gc

3) yarn shop gc

 

It's a simple fact that my dh (and I would assume most men) would not "catch" these hints you are dropping. My dh needs more explicit instruction than that. It's not because he isn't thoughtful, but because he usually has 1,000 other things he's thinking about as well to pick up on my veiled hints. That doesn't mean that he hasn't surprised me with things that he sees and knows I would like, but I always give him a list for special occasion gift giving so he's not fumbling at the last minute to come up with something. I'm sure it was easier for dh to pay attention to everything about me before the kids came along, and a mortgage, and taxes and a thousand other things that require his attention now. I have no problem making one thing a little less stressful for him, especially when it comes to giving me things. I try not be a source of stress or anxiety to him because goodness knows he has enough of that already!

[Cindy in FL.]

For me the important thing is feeling like my dh has taken the time to get to know me. I feel like if you listen to someone and engage with them in a meaningful way you will be able to at least get in the ballpark with regard to gifts. If my dh got me Dove dark chocolate or my favorite bottle of wine from the grocery store I'd be tickled pink. If he picks me up an edible arrangement that only contains fruit that I do not eat (and I think he should know this!) then I won't be real happy with that. I do keep my Amazon wish list full and he knows that. I try to make it easy on the old guy.

[laundrycrisis]

Yes.  You are.  If you enjoy thinking up and giving gifts, do it, and enjoy it, but without any expectations of having that amount of effort returned, because for some of us, it's just NOT our thing.  Every once in a while, I'm struck with an idea for a great gift for someone, and when that happens, I love giving it.  But I really do NOT like to have to try to come up with some creative, thoughtful gift idea "on command".  I also HATE to shop.  Combine gift giving with shopping...ugh.  To me, it's right up there with having to write some kind of academic paper on a piece of literature or a bit of history....I would rather clean cat boxes 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for a month than have to write a paper like that.   

 

I'm actually happy to give a gift - but it's going to be whatever I come up with, and it may appear that I didn't put much thought into it...but gifts are not something i am good at, at all.  I've decided life is too short to beat myself up or get miserable over finding a gift that will meet someone else's expectations.  If I'm going to do it, it's going to be either simple or easy or both.  If that's appreciated, great.  If not, oh well.  

 

On receiving gifts - I appreciate the gesture, and yes I enjoy having something to open....but I LOVE simple gifts that eventually get used up.  If someone gives me chocolate, tea, lotion, fun nail polish, a candle.....something that gets consumed, I think that is fantastic.  I do not ever think about how cheap or expensive a gift is, or whether it took a lot of time, thought, etc.  In fact, I don't want to think that someone went to much trouble or expense for me...I'm happier if it was simple and easy.  Picked up at Walgreens on the way home - fine !!!  I see little things all the time that I don't buy for myself...and if someone else gives them to me as a little present, I think they are fantastic. 

[elegantlion]

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I do expect that he pay a bit of attention. He knows I'm ok with gc's and practical gifts. He hears me complain about lugging the vacuum up the stairs at least once a week--I'd love another vacuum. He teases me about all the make-up haul videos I watch--a make-up gc would be nice. He knows I've started knitting again and we talked about the local yarn shop--a gc there would be nice.

 

See?!? I'm really not hard to shop for but I do require some thought.

 

I don't know your dh's personality, but some guys aren't wired to remember every detail of every conversation. They need those nudges, pictures of the fridge, a list, reminders. Part of being in a loving relationship and accepting gifts is not making it harder on THEM to show their adoration. 

 

Even if I don't care about gifts, I'd like to receive something I'll actually use instead of refusing to give them a little help along the way. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

My dh likes to give gifts.  I do NOT.  I don't really like receiving them.  Wanna trade?

[Moxie]

Help me understand the list thing. I give lists to the Grandparents because they don't see the kids everyday to know what they are in to. Why would I give my DH a list? Just so he can check off the "get wife a gift" box? That is just a half step above buying it for myself and telling him he got me a gift. There is just no part of me that wants to give him a list of ideas. I really would prefer to get nothing.

[DianeW88]

You are making my point. I would love an Amazon gc because it would mean that DH notices that I buy things on Amazon all the time. I buy all my make-up (not a small amount) at Ulta. An Ulta gc would be great! I'm not looking for the world's most perfect gift--just something with some thought put into it.

 

I feel like I should add that I'm not having a big hissy fit when I get lotion or some other generic gift. I am an adult. I also don't have these gift issues with other people in my life--just the guy I've been sleeping with for 15 years!

 

Ok, then I misunderstood you.  I thought you were saying that the gift had to be something quite different than someone would find online, in Target, or as a gift card.  My impression was that it had to be something one of a kind and pretty spectacular.  I apologize.

[readwithem]

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I do expect that he pay a bit of attention. He knows I'm ok with gc's and practical gifts. He hears me complain about lugging the vacuum up the stairs at least once a week--I'd love another vacuum. He teases me about all the make-up haul videos I watch--a make-up gc would be nice. He knows I've started knitting again and we talked about the local yarn shop--a gc there would be nice.

 

See?!? I'm really not hard to shop for but I do require some thought.

To me, this sounds a bit passive aggressive.  I can't think of any vacuum that wouldn't require lugging up the stairs.  And for a purchase of that dollar amount, I would NEVER presume what another person wanted.

[CAMom]

I don't need him to buy me stuff I want. I have the internet and a debit card. I need him to think "Gosh, how can I show my wife that I appreciate her". He is capable of that he just gets lazy.

 

Ugh. I would really, really hate to be characterized as lazy if I didn't get a gift that someone found acceptable.

 

Seriously, you're expecting him to think like you. My dh would never think...hmmmm....my wife buys make-up at Ulta therefore, I should give her an Ulta gift card. His mind just. does. not. work. that. way. The poor guy needs specific instructions to do most anything. 

 

I left a quiche on the counter the other day on top of a cookie sheet with the oven pre-heated. I told him, "I need you to put the quiche in the oven at 5:00." I came back to find the pie tin in the oven but the cookie sheet still on the counter. I asked what happened and he said, "You said to put the quiche in the oven. You didn't say to put the cookie sheet in the oven." Honey! Why in the world do you think the quiche was sitting on top of the cookie sheet? Not to mention, every single time I take a quiche out of the oven and set it on the stove top to be cut and served it is on top of a cookie sheet. Every single time.  :confused1:

 

I think you're being unrealistic in what you expect out of his thinking process. If I were him, I'd be getting discouraged and frustrated. And, if I were him, and you told me I was lazy about gift giving, I would probably not be getting you any more gifts. ;)

[DianeW88]

Help me understand the list thing. I give lists to the Grandparents because they don't see the kids everyday to know what they are in to. Why would I give my DH a list? Just so he can check off the "get wife a gift" box? That is just a half step above buying it for myself and telling him he got me a gift. There is just no part of me that wants to give him a list of ideas. I really would prefer to get nothing.

 

And this is where I differ.  I would prefer to get what I want.  I hate returning gifts with a passion.  So I will give lists, and quite frankly, I have no problem buying it myself and telling my dh what he got me.  Clearly, gifts are not my love language.

[myfunnybunch]

I've birthed his 5 children, I don't think asking for 10 minutes of thought on my birthday is too much.

And in a following post, you referred to him as lazy.

 

You might want to re-think the idea that you're not putting any emotional weight on gift giving. I am not being snarky or pointed, I really mean that kindly. You asked for honesty. You're comparing giving birth to his children with his gift-giving, as though he somehow owes you thoughtfulness forever. Gently...Those statements are pretty loaded. That's a nearly impossible standard.

 

Cat

[Moxie]

a) Can I be really nosy and ask how you afford 14 days of gifts? That would be rough on my budget! :)

 

b) You're not saying if you have "easy to shop for" interests. DH, for example, hates when I say that he's hard to shop for -- so I avoid saying it. But he's a major geek into techie stuff. And I'm not. His stuff is pricey and I'm positive I'd get the wrong thing.

 

Yes, he's a foodie so I could get him food-gifts. His other interest is way outside of my scope too.

 

And that just leaves stuff for TeA which, frankly, is also hard to buy for. I never seem to get the right stuff.

 

So, I guess my question is: what are your interests?

 

c) One idea I had long ago was to rip out pages from magazines or print out from the internet items that would make cool gifts one day for me. To help give DH an idea. It fell flat.

 

Alley

It is really nothing fancy. I've given him snacks he likes, candy, holiday themed boxers, a new coffee mug, something Star Wars, good coffee, etc. I always include a cheesy/dirty note. I love doing it and he seems to appreciate the effort.

[Jenny in Florida]

Help me understand the list thing. I give lists to the Grandparents because they don't see the kids everyday to know what they are in to. Why would I give my DH a list? Just so he can check off the "get wife a gift" box? That is just a half step above buying it for myself and telling him he got me a gift. There is just no part of me that wants to give him a list of ideas. I really would prefer to get nothing.

 

I don't like lists, either. But I also have low (or no) expectations or requirements about gifts. If someone gives me a gift, I appreciate the thought. I like some gifts more than others. I acknowledge that some gifts are more meaningful than others. But I don't expect gifts, and I certainly don't view them as a way of measuring how much my family members appreciate me. Most of the time, I'd rather have a hug and a sincere "I love you" than a material thing, anyway.

[Rubix]

I think I get where you are coming from.  My DH will wait until the last minute, then go pick up something.  Alot of the time though, the things I would like are not available at 11pm on Christmas Eve at Walmart... (yes, he has done that before).  He'll also shop on my birthday, then basically I end up with him getting home from work, saying "stay in the living room" while he goes and wraps things.  To me, thinking of the gift ahead of time, making sure it is ready to go and wrapped does mean something to me.  I like having things under the tree when DH and the kids stuff is under there.  There have been many Christmas am's waiting to open things until he wraps them.   I shop year round for things for people when I see something I think they'll like.  I'll also price compare and get things on sale even if I'm not sure who I will give it to.  My "present cabinet"  always has some things in it for the kids, DH, other family, or just things that I thought would make a good gift when I need one! 

 

I have been dissapointed many times with getting a last minute gift that wasn't something I was interested in (like the 3rd season of a show I watch occasionally when I don't have the others, etc because the series I really wanted could only be bought online).  I resorted to an amazon list this year.  I have to say it was much better.  He got me some DVD series I wanted, some cheap jar candles (I specifically requested cheap, btw!), and surprised me with an I tunes GC and some fuzzy socks that I wear - now I had plenty of socks already and didn't need more I Tunes $,  but it did show he was able to look outside the list and I was happy that he did that.

 

The list I gave him had things that I had been looking at, but there was alot on there, so it wasn't like "buy me this one thing" and there's no surprise!  I didn't know what he would choose.  I did ask that he try to get a variety of things, rather than all one thing, and I made notes that some things (while it was an Amazon list) would be cheaper elsewhere.  So, for the first time ever, he shopped online.  He also went to Target and bought things there.  At my request, he wrapped everything ahead of time to get everything under the tree before Christmas. 

 

Maybe a list with a lot of things would be something you could live with.  I was happier with my DH picking and choosing from many things than just telling him one thing...  This way, he still had to pick and choose within the budget, go get things (or order them online), wrap them and I didn't know what I was getting.  I would honestly rather that he could shop like me - think of me, see something and pick it our ahead of time.  But, it is just not him.  I decided to choose not to be unhappy at any more special days...and figure out what I could do about it.  This compromise worked for me, and I was pleased with the effort he put in.  Maybe, after a few years of choosing off a wish list he will get better.  Maybe not, but this way, I get to be pleasantly (partially) surprised at gifts, he gets to know thatI am happy with what he choose with guidance, rather than dissapointed either at the gift or his lack of thought. 

 

Really, I get to enjoy buying for others, and if there is something I really really want, I will just get it myself when I can.  My list is things I would like, but really wouldn't buy for myself, so they are all treats to receive. 

[MFG]

To me, a gift card is about the most generic gift there is. The only thing more generic is cash. But I don't necessarily mind generic gifts. It all depends on other factors: time and convenience, my needs of the moment, the overall state of the relationship.

[Catwoman]

Help me understand the list thing. I give lists to the Grandparents because they don't see the kids everyday to know what they are in to. Why would I give my DH a list? Just so he can check off the "get wife a gift" box? That is just a half step above buying it for myself and telling him he got me a gift. There is just no part of me that wants to give him a list of ideas. I really would prefer to get nothing.

But then if you get nothing, you'll be upset about that, too.

 

You seem to be missing our point that by being so demanding about your dh needing to think of the perfect gift idea on his own, you're actually being pretty selfish and thoughtless yourself.

 

Clearly, the man needs some direct hints or a list, or he's going to get you the wrong thing, and then feel badly because he disappointed you. How about putting yourself in his shoes for a few minutes, and try to realize that he simply doesn't have your level of creativity and intuition when it comes to buying gifts?

 

I think you are setting the bar way too high, and that you seem to be testing and judging his love and appreciation for you on whether or not he can buy you the right gifts. I think you are being very unfair to your dh.

[Catwoman]

It is really nothing fancy. I've given him snacks he likes, candy, holiday themed boxers, a new coffee mug, something Star Wars, good coffee, etc. I always include a cheesy/dirty note. I love doing it and he seems to appreciate the effort.

The thing is, you love doing it and you're good at it, but he doesn't love it and he's not good at it.

 

I know it's hard not to judge people against our own personal standards, but maybe you need to consider giving your dh a pass on the gift thing, and try to notice and appreciate all of the other nice things he does.

[sbgrace]

Gift receiving is not at all my love language. So, with that in mind--you would be a stressful nightmare to shop for if you were my spouse. For you it seems there is a lot of broader relationship meaning behind what is or isn't given (ie if he wanted to show you appreciation he would x). I think this is true of most love languages at some level. But that much riding on a gift choice would make it hard for nearly anyone I think.

 

 What if, as you bought hubby over the years, he usually seemed a bit disappointed? Would you still enjoy the hunt? How long would you keep trying? Add to that that I imagine gift giving isn't as natural to him or as fun from the start. My MIL is big gift person (giving and receiving), and I've been giving her gifts for nearly 20 years. She always seemed disappointed, though she never outright expressed this, and I was putting thought into what I was giving. I'm just not good at it I guess. It's actually pretty horrible to put a lot of effort in and then know that you still missed the mark. I don't try hard anymore.

 

I'm pretty sure, from what you posted previously, that you don't think this has been hubby's experience in gift giving with you. It may not be exactly, but I bet there are at least shades of it. Clearly, for him, it hasn't been a positive experience.

[Laura Corin]

I sent him a link to a wallet I liked. He ordered it and handed it to me. Great. Now I have the wallet I wanted but he put no thought into that gift. I've birthed his 5 children, I don't think asking for 10 minutes of thought on my birthday is too much.

 

This worries me a little.  I gave birth to two children, but they were mine as well as my husband's.  Husband doesn't have to tie himself in knots giving me special gifts for the rest of my life because we jointly chose to have children.

 

L

[Callie]

This.  I find gift-giving to be a terrible beat down.  (bag over head)  It is not important to me what gift anyone gives me.  I am also in the category of "why buy me anything if it is not something I will like or use" category.  I would seriously rather have nothing and would not be upset.  I wish gifts never had to be given ever for any situation.  (Seriously.)

Every word!

[Moxie]

But then if you get nothing, you'll be upset about that, too.

 

You seem to be missing our point that by being so demanding about your dh needing to think of the perfect gift idea on his own, you're actually being pretty selfish and thoughtless yourself.

 

Clearly, the man needs some direct hints or a list, or he's going to get you the wrong thing, and then feel badly because he disappointed you. How about putting yourself in his shoes for a few minutes, and try to realize that he simply doesn't have your level of creativity and intuition when it comes to buying gifts?

 

I think you are setting the bar way too high, and that you seem to be testing and judging his love and appreciation for you on whether or not he can buy you the right gifts. I think you are being very unfair to your dh.

I've never gotten upset about getting nothing and I thought I made that clear in this thread. I've never actually gotten upset about any gift but I've been much happier when there was some thought involved. And, again, it isn't about the gift-I'm thrilled with a note.

 

And I don't think I'm setting the bar too high. He is a smart guy who has given some very thoughtful gifts so I know he isn't clueless.

[thewaka]

Why would I give my DH a list?

 

So that he can gift you something he knows you will like? It isn't always about the giftee.

 

I cannot imagine how unappreciated I would feel if DH told me (or implied) I was lazy because I didn't figure out what he wanted all on my own. And I want him to read my mind so that I don't have to tell him what I want! But I have figured out it doesn't work that way and I don't consider him lazy for it.

 

Also, stopping to grab chocolates or flowers or whatever takes a bit more thought than doing nothing. It does still mean you are on his mind. I appreciate when my husband does things like that for me.

[regentrude]

After reading the thread I am now thoroughly confused.

 

If you tell him what gift you want and he buys it (wallet), that's not OK, because he did not put thought in.

What you really want is an amazon gift card, in other words: money. How would that be an effort?

You will not make a list or tell him what you want because showing love means, to you, that he needs to be able to read your mind.

 

I am sorry, but your DH does not stand a chance to please you. You are hard to shop for.

 

ETA: can it be that you basically have everything? Some years, my very thoughtful DH can come up with a surprise idea. Other years, there really is nothing I could possibly need, and he is stumped. And the same is true for me: some years I can see a need before he discovered that this is something he wants (and buys himself), some years there is nothing. So, then I get him something "generic" that I know he will use and enjoy, but that simply is not special - and we are OK with that.

[Catwoman]

I've never gotten upset about getting nothing and I thought I made that clear in this thread. I've never actually gotten upset about any gift but I've been much happier when there was some thought involved. And, again, it isn't about the gift-I'm thrilled with a note.

 

And I don't think I'm setting the bar too high. He is a smart guy who has given some very thoughtful gifts so I know he isn't clueless.

I'm confused again. You wouldn't be upset about getting nothing at all, but you were upset when he bought you the wallet you wanted? :confused:

 

No gift at all would have been better than getting the gift you told him you wanted?

 

I'm definitely missing something here.

[sbgrace]

Oh, I thought of something else.

 

You do know your husband is probably not getting the love jolt you would get out of the gifts you give him, right?

 

If this isn't his primary love language, and I am pretty sure it isn't from what you wrote, this isn't doing for him what it would do for you. I don't mean he doesn't appreciate what you're doing and that you're trying. But it's not sending the message in a way he reads, beyond knowing your intentions were to please. My primary love language is conversation and time. I know it's not my husband's. I appreciate he's making an effort to make me feel loved. But I know it's not doing for him what it's doing for me. I don't feel loved through his primary love language either, beyond that I know it is an expression of love from his perspective. Realize he's not feeling what you would feel when he gets those gifts. Giving the gifts and knowing they are enjoyed actually feeds you emotionally, not so much him.

 

Putting thought into expressing your love and appreciation in his primary love language would actually be quite a bit more loving than the gifts. Likely you already do that!

[Moxie]

Ok, I'm bowing out now. This thread is getting much more serious then I intended.

[8circles]

But then if you get nothing, you'll be upset about that, too.

 

You seem to be missing our point that by being so demanding about your dh needing to think of the perfect gift idea on his own, you're actually being pretty selfish and thoughtless yourself.

 

Clearly, the man needs some direct hints or a list, or he's going to get you the wrong thing, and then feel badly because he disappointed you. How about putting yourself in his shoes for a few minutes, and try to realize that he simply doesn't have your level of creativity and intuition when it comes to buying gifts?

 

I think you are setting the bar way too high, and that you seem to be testing and judging his love and appreciation for you on whether or not he can buy you the right gifts. I think you are being very unfair to your dh.

 

I agree.  You want your DH to notice the many hints about things you'd like (vacuum, make-up GC, Amazon GC, etc) and to buy one of those & if he doesn't "he's lazy".  But you've been together for 15 years & you still expect him to be really good at gift-giving when he's clearly not.  You won't help him in that regard, are you lazy?

 

Seems to me that if you have a pretty narrow view of what would satisfy you (listening to your hints & then doing THAT) then you should probably clue him in to that.  You might want to have a conversation with him at some point letting him know that you are giving him clues about what you'd like to receive & you hope he'll pick-up on them.  

[Catwoman]

Ok, I'm bowing out now. This thread is getting much more serious then I intended.

I'm sorry if we didn't give you the answer you wanted to hear. FWIW, I didn't think you were joking around or being lighthearted. I thought you were asking a serious question.

 

I hope you're able to work out the gift-giving thing with your dh.

[zoobie]

This worries me a little. I gave birth to two children, but they were mine as well as my husband's. Husband doesn't have to tie himself in knots giving me special gifts for the rest of my life because we jointly chose to have children.

 

L

I don't think that's what she meant. I heard her saying she holds her husband to a higher standard than random people like MIL.

 

If I order DH underwear or deodorant or whatever, and it comes in the mail, I hand him the box and say, "Here's your underwear." I would not do that for a gift. I'd unbox it, and put it in a gift bag or wrap it, and I'd hand it to him with a "Happy Birthday!" and a kiss. I think that's all Moxie is saying. It's not what's in the box, it's the tiny bit of effort that goes into the presentation that makes her feel special. Her DH, with whom she's had 5 children over 15 years, shouldn't shove a box at her and say, "Here you go."

 

Don't we all do little things for our spouses just because we know that's how they like it? I don't expect expensive or elaborate gifts. He knows I prefer a blank card or a funny card over a "romantic" one, and he writes his own smooshy stuff. It takes 5 minutes and makes me happy. If he grabbed some random cheesy card at CVS and signed his name, I'd wonder why he bothered at all. I'd rather have no card. And yes, I expect him to know this after nearly 19 years and going on 4 kids. I don't expect that from friends or relatives. He shouldn't get a pass on putting some level of effort into our spousal relationship because he's male or a good dad.

[Stacia]

...

[8circles]

I don't think that's what she meant. I heard her saying she holds her husband to a higher standard than random people like MIL.

 

If I order DH underwear or deodorant or whatever, and it comes in the mail, I hand him the box and say, "Here's your underwear." I would not do that for a gift. I'd unbox it, and put it in a gift bag or wrap it, and I'd hand it to him with a "Happy Birthday!" and a kiss. I think that's all Moxie is saying. It's not what's in the box, it's the tiny bit of effort that goes into the presentation that makes her feel special. Her DH, with whom she's had 5 children over 15 years, shouldn't shove a box at her and say, "Here you go."

 

Don't we all do little things for our spouses just because we know that's how they like it? I don't expect expensive or elaborate gifts. He knows I prefer a blank card or a funny card over a "romantic" one, and he writes his own smooshy stuff. It takes 5 minutes and makes me happy. If he grabbed some random cheesy card at CVS and signed his name, I'd wonder why he bothered at all. I'd rather have no card. And yes, I expect him to know this after nearly 19 years and going on 4 kids. I don't expect that from friends or relatives. He shouldn't get a pass on putting some level of effort into our spousal relationship because he's male or a good dad.

I understand what you're saying here, but I don't agree with your conclusion.  I am not great at presentation of gifts - I can wrap & use tape & it usually looks pretty decent, but there ARE times when we've both just handed each other a box or even (gasp) a plastic shopping bag with a kiss & a "Happy __________, I love you".  Neither one of us are bothered by that in the least.  

 

I'm also terrible at writing mushy stuff in cards.  It would be more likely to come out in intimate conversation than written in a card.  I still buy cards & just sign my name & I'd be pretty hurt if my DH told me not to bother because I didn't bare my soul in personal handwriting.  

 

If you are dissatisfied with the gift-exchanging between you & your DH, then you should be willing to communicate about it, instead of complaining about it (even in your head) yet being unwilling to discuss it & find some understanding.

 

ETA:  Oh, and as far as "getting a pass" comment, I don't think that applies at all.  I assume that gift-giving is not the totality of their spousal relationship.  If it is, then that's a problem.  For us, we don't accept this gift-giving because from each other because of any ancillary reason - we accept it because it's who we are & we don't assign negative character traits to it.  We aren't lazy, we're just not picky.  We love each other & know it.

[Catwoman]

I don't think that's what she meant. I heard her saying she holds her husband to a higher standard than random people like MIL.

 

If I order DH underwear or deodorant or whatever, and it comes in the mail, I hand him the box and say, "Here's your underwear." I would not do that for a gift. I'd unbox it, and put it in a gift bag or wrap it, and I'd hand it to him with a "Happy Birthday!" and a kiss. I think that's all Moxie is saying. It's not what's in the box, it's the tiny bit of effort that goes into the presentation that makes her feel special. Her DH, with whom she's had 5 children over 15 years, shouldn't shove a box at her and say, "Here you go."

 

Don't we all do little things for our spouses just because we know that's how they like it? I don't expect expensive or elaborate gifts. He knows I prefer a blank card or a funny card over a "romantic" one, and he writes his own smooshy stuff. It takes 5 minutes and makes me happy. If he grabbed some random cheesy card at CVS and signed his name, I'd wonder why he bothered at all. I'd rather have no card. And yes, I expect him to know this after nearly 19 years and going on 4 kids. I don't expect that from friends or relatives. He shouldn't get a pass on putting some level of effort into our spousal relationship because he's male or a good dad.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that he shouldn't try to be thoughtful. The problem we're seeing is that she's expecting him to read her mind and somehow know exactly what to buy for her. She won't give him a list, and when she did tell him about the wallet she wanted and he got it for her, that wasn't good enough either.

 

It seems like the guy is trying to do the right thing and to give her gifts on gift-giving occasions, but that her standards are so high that he can't measure up -- and she refuses to help him figure out what to get her.

 

Her posts seem to be somewhat conflicting, and I'm at the point where I really have no idea what she wants.

 

I do feel badly for her, though, as she's clearly upset about this because she seems to believe her dh is intentionally being thoughtless, while I think he really does care, but he's just not good at figuring out what she wants unless she provides him with specific ideas.

 

I think they are just on two different pages when it comes to gift-giving.

[Cinder]

I don't know your dh's personality, but some guys aren't wired to remember every detail of every conversation. They need those nudges, pictures of the fridge, a list, reminders. Part of being in a loving relationship and accepting gifts is not making it harder on THEM to show their adoration. 

 

Even if I don't care about gifts, I'd like to receive something I'll actually use instead of refusing to give them a little help along the way. 

 

This is so true of my dh. Neither of us is great at gift-giving but I'm a little better at it because I often remember bits of conversations; he doesn't.

[zoobie]

I understand what you're saying here, but I don't agree with your conclusion. I am not great at presentation of gifts - I can wrap & use tape & it usually looks pretty decent, but there ARE times when we've both just handed each other a box or even (gasp) a plastic shopping bag with a kiss & a "Happy __________, I love you". Neither one of us are bothered by that in the least.

 

I'm also terrible at writing mushy stuff in cards. It would be more likely to come out in intimate conversation than written in a card. I still buy cards & just sign my name & I'd be pretty hurt if my DH told me not to bother because I didn't bare my soul in personal handwriting.

 

If you are dissatisfied with the gift-exchanging between you & your DH, then you should be willing to communicate about it, instead of complaining about it (even in your head) yet being unwilling to discuss it & find some understanding.

 

ETA: Oh, and as far as "getting a pass" comment, I don't think that applies at all. I assume that gift-giving is not the totality of their spousal relationship. If it is, then that's a problem. For us, we don't accept this gift-giving because from each other because of any ancillary reason - we accept it because it's who we are & we don't assign negative character traits to it. We aren't lazy, we're just not picky. We love each other & know it.

The bolded is the key. You know your DH and act accordingly. If he really loved the bow and ribbon presentation, you'd take the extra couple of minutes and do it. I don't care if the item is still in a box either. Sometimes DH will be goofy and put the gift in an amazon box and use a roll of scotch tape to close it. :)