Ginevra Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 The more gregarious among us will not understand this post at all. Just chalk it up to me being an introvert who likes her privacy. I'm taking ds to gymnastics tonight, but I'm dreading it because of one of the kids in his class who wants to be his Insta-Friend. The first night I took ds to gymnastics, I had a brief chat with the boy's mom and we were leaving the building at the same time. The boy, I guess, likes my son and was asking over and over, "What's your phone number? What's your phone number?" I was feeling put on the spot, so I told the mom my number, which she was entering into her phone as I was giving it to her. It was my house number, but I guess she assumed it was my cell. (I'm very picky about giving out my cell number. That is *THE* reason I still have a house phone - to give to all the people I may not want to have my cell number.) Anyway, I don't know if either of them tried to call, but I'm dreading going to gymnastics tonight. I'm not interested in making an Insta-Friend out of this boy, though he's probably a nice kid, but...not my thing. Anyone have experience with gently shaking off someone like this? I don't know if the mom (or the boy) is going to pursue trying to get a play date or something together but I don't have time or inclination to do so. How do you say, "Sure we can get together...when hell freezes over"? :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I would wonder if they just moved into the area or just hadn't socialized much lately and the kid was lonely. When we moved here some people were very friendly and their acceptance really were a huge help. I had been very worried about moving when dd was at an age when she really needed friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Wow. When hell freezes over? That's kindof harsh, isn't it? You don't mention how your son feels about this kid. Did he seems to hit it off? Maybe they had a conversation about a common interest and the kid would love to have a friend that shares that interest? If the kid was annoying or your kid just plain didn't like him, that's one thing. But maybe you could give them a chance. Maybe the mom is thinking the same thing as you. Maybe she too, your number because her son was asking for it, but actually does not plan on putting any effort into befriending you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I would let your son decide if he wants to be this kid's friend. Am I missing something? Why is it imperative that your son not socialize with him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 what is "not your thing" -- making new friends, setting up playdates or this child in particular? I'm an introvert but I see no problem with a kid asking for another kid's phone number to set up a playdate. I'm something of an introvert, so when you said "instafriend" I presumed this would be a thread about people getting too close too fast (e.g. oversharing early in a friendship) but I'm not seeing the problem with a kid wanting to make a new friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 What does your son think of the kid? Did he hit it off with him? Did they have a common interest? The Mom may have only taken your number because he was asking, too. One question - what does privacy have to do with socializing? Do you mean just being alone? Because you can be social and still not give away the farm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I would let your son decide if he wants to be this kid's friend. Am I missing something? Why is it imperative that your son not socialize with him? This, I feel like I'm missing something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I feel like I am missing something. It is fine if you don't like to socialize. It seems unfair if your not liking to socialize interferes with your sons ability to. What's the harm with the boy having your number? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I'm an introvert too, and I guess I don't see what the problem is. The boy liked your son, and wanted your phone number so they could possibly get together some time. I don't see how that's an "Insta-Friend," (not sure what that is, actually) as opposed to the poor kid just trying to make a friend. They didn't do anything strange or pushy. :confused1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 yeah, i feel like I'm missing something as well. An adult doing this world seem out of place buy a child seems normal to me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 If you don't want any friends just give them a cold shoulder. Teach your son how to do that as well and I'm pretty sure people around you will get the message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Another introvert - I'm not sure how they can become friends without meeting up, or how they can meet up without swapping phone numbers. Or why (from the information given) they shouldn't be friends. I'd probably set something up right after class - pizza or a park meet-up - and see how it goes. I might preface it by saying that term time is really busy for us, just in case things didn't work out and my child didn't want a repeat event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I agree with others who suggest seeing what your son wants to do unless there were some red flags (doesn't sound like it from your post). Looking at it from the other point of view, if my ds met someone and felt he connected he may possibly be crushed if given the cold shoulder for no explicable reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I'll be honest, your post saddens me. We just moved to another state this year. I don't see why wanting to be friends is so wrong? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Quill, I tend to be more like you. I'm actually quite extroverted, and have always sought out work that allowed me to fill that need (working with the public, e.g.) but as I've gotten older I realized that I'm an introvert in extrovert clothing. I only like interactions that are timed (to some extent - a transaction, etc.), fairly predictable, and on my time (meaning, I'm on the clock and prepared for it). Paging, Internet! When I'm not working, I want to hole up and be alone. I time the receipt of my mail and newspaper to when I see other neighbors have already gotten theirs. I'll hide in the garage sometimes because I hear my neighbor in her yard, and it's worth waiting ten minutes for her to leave so I don't have to fake an interaction. I'm not anti-social, I'm just pro-alone LOL. I think homeschooling my chatty kids exacerbates this. So I get that this is a dread thing - not because the kid is who he is, or the mom is who she is, but because it's forced interaction to which you perceive no direct benefit. Which sounds awful since presumably you (we) want your (our) sons to have friends and all, but .... it'll be nice the day they can manage their own social calendars, right? I've found that many Insta-friends are flighty, and move on just as fast as they came in. Of course you have the rogue barnacles who attach themselves permanently, but they seem to raise a different kind of flag ahead of time IYKWIM. One way I got around this at your son's age (and now!) is to encourage the boys to interact online some - for my son, it was his Minecraft server and Skype that allowed some (independent) interaction during the nascent friendship. It may be another online game or multi-player app, too. My 8 year old does words with friends and some drawing game with other kids she meets - she uses my phone and iPad to play, and many times that alone will be enough for satiating the insta-friendship. And if the kids click beyond that, I'm more able to commit to kicking in some resources for the friendship to continue developing - whether it's dinner out together after gymnastics or the park beforehand for 30 minutes or whatever. I don't know what your issue is, so my issue is the basis for my post. Hopefully something resonates, but if not - know that at least one person here can relate. And if it makes us horrible people, well, at least we still have someone to sit next to (and without trying to become friends TYVM)! :seeya: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 What bothers me more is when the parent seems to want their child to be DD's best friend because they think DD will be a "good influence" or rub off on their DC. Then you have TWO kids who really don't have common interests who are being pushed together, and I end up trying to find excuses. I've yet to find a good way to say "My DD really doesn't like your DC, and the feeling is mutual". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I am an introvert and have serious (but not debilitating) social anxiety sometimes, but nothing like what you seem to have. Horrified a friendly kid asked for a phone number, dreading being in the same room as the mom because she typed your number into her cell. That is really hard. I'm sorry. Perhaps it might be better to reframe it from the derogatory "insta-friends" to "friendly acquaintences". I'd bet that is how you are perceived to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Quill.....Quill...Quill..... I feel yer pain, but you really should reconsider your attitude about this. Especially if your son is interested. You can limit the time and place to your comfort level, but I wouldn't write them completly off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Actually, I would find that off putting as well. I much prefer to get to know someone better - say, over a term of gymnastics - before getting into play date territory. I also - rightly or wrongly - see that 'instant friend!' behavior as needy. And I don't want needy in my life. I suppose if my son and another boy instantly bonded over something major in his life, I'd be more inclined to meet up at the park or similar sooner. Idk. Insta-friending is just off to me. Even if you get a really good vibe about someone new, you don't just fling yourself at them. Just my opinion. Yeah...uh..."needy" nine year olds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I have totally given up on the idea of my kids making friends they don't even try anymore. My kids don't try either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Quill, I don't really know what the underlying issues are here. I will speak from experience - when the kids were younger, we preferred to get to know a family quite a bit first before we extended invitations to social functions or accepted invitations. We found that MOST families also did this. However, we did have a family that joined our 4-H club whom we did not know. That's normal for 4-H, no problem as leaders. BUT, they had some social issues one of which is that A. they wanted EVERYONE in the club to instantly be bestest friends with their son. B. They could not take a hint. What transpired was very creepy and stalkerish. At the first meeting, they kept dogging us to let our eldest go to Cedar Point with them. I'm serious, we had just met these people and it was an instant invitation for a three day out of state trip! We said no, and had to say it over, and over, and over again to get the point across. The dad just could not wrap his brain around why we weren't getting on board with his plan for the boys to be instant best friends and travel together. At the second meeting, they virtually demanded a sleep over. Their son had ZERO physical boundaries and really upset the other kids because he would just cram himself up against other people's bodies. It got worse. We really had problems with them. On top of which, the mother ran a homeschool social activities group that she kept wanting me to join, and not only did I not have the time, I did not have the inclination. We were pretty intensive with our homeschooling, and she was very much happy, happy, fun and fun and IF we can find time for academics, we'll think about it. They would call us ALL THE TIME wanting to drop their son here during the school day. It was nuts. The boy would call and want to talk to the boys for VERY lengthy times during the school day and when they would excuse themselves from the phone, "Okay C, I have to go. It's time to get back to work." His mother would call to lecture me on how I was ruining my children's love of learning by making them do schoolwork. Sigh...we eventually used CID and no longer took their phone calls. After that, they complained to 4-H leadership about us being unfriendly, and not answering the phone. Since the girls in the family were involved in a horse club and causing a lot of social problems there, 4-H Council expelled the family from membership. It was sad. But, it had to be done. We were having a lot of trouble with the dad because he was very disruptive of club meetings, and the boy had begun DEMANDING that we change the focus of the club from science to film and literature. I think the kids are going to be lonely because the family has such poor social clues. Plus, the older the boy gets, the worse his physical creepiness gets. The last time we saw him, he kept trying to press himself up against me in a very inappropriate way. Sigh...the dad is also kind of clueless in this department and stands WAAAAYYYY too close to other women. Something is just not right. I am shocked that the homeschool activities group is still running, but she does a lot to organize museum field trips and such, so probably families put up with the issues in order to take advantage of the fact that she does a huge amount of work organizing, getting group rates, etc. So, if you are having any cues like that, then I would support holding back. But, if it's just your own social anxiety, then I would suggest taking a very slow and easy approach. Explain that you don't do social activities until you know a family much, much better than that and then just try to have some casual conversations during gymnastics to see if maybe the family would be okay for the boys to occasionally get together for a few minutes in the park or at the library, or for a birthday or something. I do understand completely not wanting to give out your phone number to people you don't know or have business reasons for doing so. Believe me, having our name and phone number on a published list as 4-H leaders has come back to bite us a few times. That said though, I think that it's good for kids if we role model general friendliness and kindness regardless of our comfort zone, so long as we trust our instincts. This is all part and parcel of managing social situations throughout life and as adults, they'll meet a lot of people outside their personal comfort zone and need to learn how to handle it graciously. They'll meet people they aren't interested in being friends with, but by acting graciously, might also be surprised to meet someone really neat that would be beneficial to know and to befriend. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I'm going to give Quill the benefit of the doubt on this. I think there is more to the story than she posted and we just haven't heard it yet. I suspect that her ds isn't interested in being friends with the other kid, and she is trying to run some interference for him, but finds it uncomfortable to do so. I have never known Quill to be mean or rude, so I can only assume that she has a good reason for not being interested in pursuing a friendship with the boy and his mom. Honestly, if someone else had written the OP, I would have thought she was being unreasonable and unfriendly toward a boy and his mom who may be very nice, yet somewhat socially awkward at first, but if Quill is seeing some sort of red flags here, I will trust that her instincts are probably right. Of course, I'm hoping that if the other kid really needs a new friend, that he and Quill's ds will get to know each other better in their class and a friendship will develop over the next several weeks or months. It always makes me sad when a child seems desperate for friends, and I can sort of understand why some moms get overly pushy -- they know their child is lonely and are only trying to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sisyphus Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I could have written this post a year ago, but I am so grateful for the kind of pushy, insta-friend who originally turned me off! She has become a dear friend I can call when I need to talk, rather than stewing in my own head as I prefer to do but isn't healthy. I took a leap and went to a movie with her the same week we met, and I dreaded it, and I thought I'd rather just stay home, and blah blah blah, but you know what? I'm glad I did. Sometimes you really do need to get out of your introvert box, for your own sake, and especially for your Childs. I don't know if this is the case here, but wanted to share. Probably the whole board would've agreed on my assessment of her- she is a loud extrovert with boundary issues, lol. But she is also loyal, completely non judgmental (hard to find in my Sahm bubble where we live!) and just really neat once you get to know her. She pushes me outside of my comfort zone, and I'm glad! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 It doesn't sound like Quill and Quill is an introvert....so I am assuming she is having a bad day....I just wouldn't totally write someone off like that. I also would prefer to just live in my own little bubble...I have to force myself to get together with friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I get it, I do. I'm happy to chat at the group but I really really balk at people trying to set up playdates at first meeting. Why can't we just enjoy getting to know each other in this setting for a while first - no pressure! I have enough carp on my plate, I don't have extra hours a week for people who are pretty close to strangers to play best friends. It is pressure, and it does make me wonder what sort of a reaction will ensue if I say no (ie, they already seem like pretty intense people), and makes me wonder what sort of precedent and therefore escalation is coming. It takes a lot out of me to be constantly fielding 'why wouldn't you' invites. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Quill, I tend to be more like you. I'm actually quite extroverted, and have always sought out work that allowed me to fill that need (working with the public, e.g.) but as I've gotten older I realized that I'm an introvert in extrovert clothing. I only like interactions that are timed (to some extent - a transaction, etc.), fairly predictable, and on my time (meaning, I'm on the clock and prepared for it). Paging, Internet! When I'm not working, I want to hole up and be alone. I time the receipt of my mail and newspaper to when I see other neighbors have already gotten theirs. I'll hide in the garage sometimes because I hear my neighbor in her yard, and it's worth waiting ten minutes for her to leave so I don't have to fake an interaction. I'm not anti-social, I'm just pro-alone LOL. I think homeschooling my chatty kids exacerbates this. So I get that this is a dread thing - not because the kid is who he is, or the mom is who she is, but because it's forced interaction to which you perceive no direct benefit. Which sounds awful since presumably you (we) want your (our) sons to have friends and all, but .... it'll be nice the day they can manage their own social calendars, right? I've found that many Insta-friends are flighty, and move on just as fast as they came in. Of course you have the rogue barnacles who attach themselves permanently, but they seem to raise a different kind of flag ahead of time IYKWIM. One way I got around this at your son's age (and now!) is to encourage the boys to interact online some - for my son, it was his Minecraft server and Skype that allowed some (independent) interaction during the nascent friendship. It may be another online game or multi-player app, too. My 8 year old does words with friends and some drawing game with other kids she meets - she uses my phone and iPad to play, and many times that alone will be enough for satiating the insta-friendship. And if the kids click beyond that, I'm more able to commit to kicking in some resources for the friendship to continue developing - whether it's dinner out together after gymnastics or the park beforehand for 30 minutes or whatever. I don't know what your issue is, so my issue is the basis for my post. Hopefully something resonates, but if not - know that at least one person here can relate. And if it makes us horrible people, well, at least we still have someone to sit next to (and without trying to become friends TYVM)! :seeya: Yes, this. :iagree: I guess I didn't explain this well because I was leaving in just a couple of minutes and there was that whole dread of seeing this mom again and worrying about the gregarious boy cornering us into a playdate or something! :tongue_smilie: I'm just slow to make friends. If, week after week, the boys really hit it off and then, in a couple of months when the weather was turning for the better, the boy or mom suggested maybe we should go hit the Jimmy Cone after gymnastics one week coming up, that would be fine. That's my speed. What I don't like - ever - is when someone we met 10 minutes ago wants contact info so we can get together apart from gymnastics. That kind of over-enthusiastic friend-making is too intense for me. I didn't mean to suggest that this kid could never be friends with my kid - I don't know that he is nice, bad, annoying, awful, delightful, wonderful or amazing. I know him zero at this point. The only thing I know at all is that he likes gymnastics and I know his first name. And yeah, I very much like it once they get to an age to manage their own friendships and arrange their own plans. :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 You post reminded me of how my ds used to hollar out our phone number to random strangers he had met at McDonald's play area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Don't leave us hanging like that! How did it go? Did they act like they called you 20 times and were annoyed that you didn't pick up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyMountain Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I am an introvert but to me setting up an playdate isn't becoming an insta best friend. I sign my kids up for stuff and I do hope they find friends. If they meet someone they get along with and want to meet up I don't see a problem. I am an adult and I go to meetups and playgroups with adults I don't know well. It takes me a long time to become close to someone but I have no problem getting together with someone and having the kids play and chatting. It doesn't mean a am a bestie with someone. I am an introvert but that doesn't mean I never want to be around people. As SAHM I am not sure how I would be around someone a lot to even find people who eventually turn into friends if it I was completely against getting together with someone unless I knew them really well. I am not sure what I would do in a new place if no one even ever would consider having my kids over because my kids didn't know their kids well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 If the mom didn't call you immediately, I wouldn't panic, worry, or feel bad about it at all. I don't do insta-friendships either, but I do encourage my kids to make friends and connections in settings like this. I think there is a good middle ground. My son used to get kids numbers and give out his to EVERYONE. I swear he made a BFF at every activity he tried - he's just an outgoing kid that gets along with almost everyone. Rarely to never did it result in even a phone call, let alone a face to face play date. I'd probably watch how the relationship developed over the next 4-8 weeks of class and assess from there. For us, usually scheduling something is challenging anyway (and even more so if this is a child in school full time), so putting someone off for a few weeks would not be at all difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Don't leave us hanging like that! How did it go? Did they act like they called you 20 times and were annoyed that you didn't pick up? No, it was no big deal. When I got there, the mom was on the phone and then left or went outside with her call. She was not back inside until a few minutes before class ended. She said "hi," but that's it. When her son came out, she told him to hurry up and get his shoes on because XYZ and then they were gone. Probably, she also found it awkward that her son was pressing for the phone number last time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I do not see why YOU being an introvert has to mean that your SON is not allowed to make friends. What am I missing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 No, it was no big deal. When I got there, the mom was on the phone and then left or went outside with her call. She was not back inside until a few minutes before class ended. She said "hi," but that's it. When her son came out, she told him to hurry up and get his shoes on because XYZ and then they were gone. Probably, she also found it awkward that her son was pressing for the phone number last time. ROFL - she was probably pretending to put it into her phone. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I do not see why YOU being an introvert has to mean that your SON is not allowed to make friends. What am I missing? He is allowed to make friends. He can be as friendly as he wants to be in class. It's making time for separate-from-class activities with someone we've logged about 2 hours interaction with that I'm not into. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 No, it was no big deal. When I got there, the mom was on the phone and then left or went outside with her call. She was not back inside until a few minutes before class ended. She said "hi," but that's it. When her son came out, she told him to hurry up and get his shoes on because XYZ and then they were gone. Probably, she also found it awkward that her son was pressing for the phone number last time. Kids can be pretty enthusiastic sometimes. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 ROFL - she was probably pretending to put it into her phone. ;) :lol: What if she was thinking, "Oh, sh*t. I hope that chic doesn't ask me why my son didn't call!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Quill, I don't really know what the underlying issues are here. I will speak from experience - when the kids were younger, we preferred to get to know a family quite a bit first before we extended invitations to social functions or accepted invitations. We found that MOST families also did this. However, we did have a family that joined our 4-H club whom we did not know. That's normal for 4-H, no problem as leaders. BUT, they had some social issues one of which is that A. they wanted EVERYONE in the club to instantly be bestest friends with their son. B. They could not take a hint. What transpired was very creepy and stalkerish. At the first meeting, they kept dogging us to let our eldest go to Cedar Point with them. I'm serious, we had just met these people and it was an instant invitation for a three day out of state trip! We said no, and had to say it over, and over, and over again to get the point across. The dad just could not wrap his brain around why we weren't getting on board with his plan for the boys to be instant best friends and travel together. At the second meeting, they virtually demanded a sleep over. Their son had ZERO physical boundaries and really upset the other kids because he would just cram himself up against other people's bodies. It got worse. We really had problems with them. On top of which, the mother ran a homeschool social activities group that she kept wanting me to join, and not only did I not have the time, I did not have the inclination. We were pretty intensive with our homeschooling, and she was very much happy, happy, fun and fun and IF we can find time for academics, we'll think about it. They would call us ALL THE TIME wanting to drop their son here during the school day. It was nuts. The boy would call and want to talk to the boys for VERY lengthy times during the school day and when they would excuse themselves from the phone, "Okay C, I have to go. It's time to get back to work." His mother would call to lecture me on how I was ruining my children's love of learning by making them do schoolwork. Sigh...we eventually used CID and no longer took their phone calls. After that, they complained to 4-H leadership about us being unfriendly, and not answering the phone. Since the girls in the family were involved in a horse club and causing a lot of social problems there, 4-H Council expelled the family from membership. It was sad. But, it had to be done. We were having a lot of trouble with the dad because he was very disruptive of club meetings, and the boy had begun DEMANDING that we change the focus of the club from science to film and literature. I think the kids are going to be lonely because the family has such poor social clues. Plus, the older the boy gets, the worse his physical creepiness gets. The last time we saw him, he kept trying to press himself up against me in a very inappropriate way. Sigh...the dad is also kind of clueless in this department and stands WAAAAYYYY too close to other women. Something is just not right. I am shocked that the homeschool activities group is still running, but she does a lot to organize museum field trips and such, so probably families put up with the issues in order to take advantage of the fact that she does a huge amount of work organizing, getting group rates, etc. We love 4H but that would have seriously freaked me out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'm an introvert, so kids who ask my kids for a playdate right away make me a little uneasy. But if my kids are interested, I'm very happy to provide a playdate opportunity for them. It is more often, though, when my kids ask me to approach another parent and ask for their phone number for a potential playdate--even if they just met that kid. I feel really awkward doing this. Mostly I explain to my kids that we don't know that other kid so well and try to avoid it, but sometimes I do approach. I remember making insta-friends as a child. Oh, the glorious, carefree childhood. We've made only one real friend this way, I think because we tend to meet this potential playdate material when we are 1-2 hours away from home. If it were a regular weekly activity, I could see things working out better. My kids are fairly extroverted and I think it is totally normal for a child to want to meet another child after only meeting them once. Our experience is quite the opposite, though. DD11 often starts conversations with other kids (at a playground, museum, etc), and kids her age aren't interested to even talk to her. When she was younger she came off a little awkward, but now she's very smooth and natural about it--not pushy or weird. Sadly, they look at her as though she has 4 heads and tend to just walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 No, it was no big deal. When I got there, the mom was on the phone and then left or went outside with her call. She was not back inside until a few minutes before class ended. She said "hi," but that's it. When her son came out, she told him to hurry up and get his shoes on because XYZ and then they were gone. Probably, she also found it awkward that her son was pressing for the phone number last time. :smilielol5: All that dread for nothing. In my experience no one wants to make friends around weekly activities anyway, so you shouldn't worry so much next time. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 No, it was no big deal. When I got there, the mom was on the phone and then left or went outside with her call. She was not back inside until a few minutes before class ended. She said "hi," but that's it. When her son came out, she told him to hurry up and get his shoes on because XYZ and then they were gone. Probably, she also found it awkward that her son was pressing for the phone number last time. So are you saying you didn't march right up to her and demand to know why she hadn't called you? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 So are you saying you didn't march right up to her and demand to know why she hadn't called you? ;) Well, I didn't want to scare her with my intense extroversion. :coolgleamA: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Wow, we move every couple of years, so my kids have learned to make friends quickly. Glad everyone isn't so resistant to new friendships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Wow, we move every couple of years, so my kids have learned to make friends quickly. Glad everyone isn't so resistant to new friendships. :iagree: I never realized I was sending people into fits of horror when I suggest we get our kids together at the park sometime. Whoops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I totally understand where Quill is coming from. I'm fine with making friends, but . . . not so fast. My introverted self needs time to warm up and let relationships build slowly. When my boys were younger I wouldn't have felt comfortable having a play date with someone they'd only met briefly in one class. Thankfully, they take after me and wouldn't have wanted it, either. After three or four classes, then sure. Just because someone doesn't want to launch straight into planning a play date with someone they've hardly met doesn't mean they're resistant to developing a friendship. There's a whole lot of territory between rushing into something willy nilly and being resistant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 That makes me uncomfortable too. Glad it wasnt awkward today. My girls did Instafriend with a little girl this year. It was a whirlwind of getting to know the mom at co-op. Their family is more active in socializing activities than we are. I'm seriously content not having playdates weekly. They see each other atleast weekly at co-op but if up to them they'd have sleepovers weekly. I'm just not that comfortable to go there yet.. We did arrange them to see each other over Christmas break and it was all squeals, hugging and running off giggling. I'm happy for them to hit it off so quickly and the family seems normal (major plus) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 What I don't like - ever - is when someone we met 10 minutes ago wants contact info so we can get together apart from gymnastics. That kind of over-enthusiastic friend-making is too intense for me. Agreeing totally! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 A friendship is based on a relationship. A phone number does not make a friendship. If you don't want to give out a phone number you could give a false number. Or you could just say, "We don't talk on the phone much. But we'd love to get to know you better here at gymnastics." You don't have to put down the other person while doing so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 It isn't fits of horror. Wanting to make friends at a comfortable speed for mom and child isn't rude either. People who are a good fit for us tend to respect that, not exaggerate it. It works for us. We are not lacking friends. I guess the difference is that I don't think someone has to be a close friend for our kids to get together at the playground or whatever and play for a couple hours. Asking for someone's phone number doesn't mean you think they're your soulmate. I suppose it's a difference in local cultures. People here tend to be quite friendly, so something like that wouldn't seem out of the ordinary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indian summer Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I get it, Quill. I like to take a while to get to know people and am uncomfortable when people seem to throw themselves at us. It gives me the creeps actually. We met a family at a homeschool co-op and a few days later they showed up at my house asking if my kid could go somewhere with them. Ummm...not in this lifetime if you're that clueless. Okay, maybe I'm the one with the problem because that seemed off to me, I don't know. But the point is we all have our parameters for what is socially acceptable and another family might have welcomed them with open arms, it just isn't my style. And I get a bit cranky when my kids get invitations for stuff I'd rather them not do. We don't do sleepovers, so I find it tedious when so many kids ask for one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irishmommy Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Hi, my name is Shannon and I am an instafriend! In fact, I have to be. When you are in the military and move every three years, you can't make just a friend or two a year, or you and your kids will NEVER have any friends, nor feel "at home". I also was a preacher's kid growing up, again, no time to wait for friendships to find you. I just wanted to say that some of my BEST friends were ones that were fast friends at first. Also, I want to say a big, THANK YOU, to those people who DO get to know people who move around a lot. We need friends too. Sometimes if you are far away from family (which you almost always are, in the military) those insta-friends are a Godsend. I made a new friend a few months ago and I was shocked that she still wanted to hang out with me when she found out we are moving in 6 months. You wouldn't believe how hard it is sometimes when you find yourself around people who don't want to bother putting time into a friendship that isn't going to last more than three years. And most of my closest friends are introverts (so is my husband) and if I had never reached out to them, we would not have become friends. Just wanted to maybe give you a different way of looking at things. SUPPORT MILITARY WIVES, BECOME AN INSTA-FRIEND...I think I have a new bumper sticker idea, ha ha. Wanted to say too, I don't know the situation with this woman and her son. I get it when you really don't have time for "needy" in your life. Maybe you could have just said, "You and (insert son's name) really hit it off, we will see you next week." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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