WWYD...Facebook friend I deleted PMed me

[PrairieSong]

So..I had a friend years ago who lived in my town. We both homeschooled, got together a few times, had lunch, etc. They moved to a nearby town (not far away) and we lost touch. Then I happened to ask a friend of hers about her, bec she had some health issues, and found that they'd moved out of state months before.

 

A few years later she found me on Facebook. Ok. But then every single time I posted ANYthing...photo, status update, video, she "liked" it almost immediately. Kind of freaked me out. Someone on here mentioned she was probably getting FB notifications on her phone. Probably, but it bugged me. So...a long time ago I blocked her...so she couldn't see my posts. Then around August I decided to unfriend her...after all, she never saw my posts and I didn't see hers, so what was the point? I will most likely never see her again in my life. A couple weeks ago she noticed and sent me another Friend request which I ignored. Then today she sent me a message, saying that she noticed we weren't FB friends anymore and assumed it was a FB mistake because of changes...and said it made her sad.

 

I'm not really sure what to do. I have no desire to be FB friends but no desire to hurt her feelings either. She's a sweet person...but we were never super close friends and I haven't seen her for about...8 or 9 years. WWYD?

[Amy in NH]

I'd let her know I was cleaning up my friends list and narrowing it down to only very close friends and family.

[PrairieSong]

I'd let her know I was cleaning up my friends list and narrowing it down to only very close friends and family.

I thought of saying something like that. It wouldn't be true though.

[Guest submarines]

When I had issues with my health, I was quickly dropped by casual friends. Out of sight, out of mind. I totally understood. They weren't close friends either, but I missed their company. It was rougher than I thought, maybe because I was physically and emotionally fragile.

 

If she gives you the wrong vibe, just ignore, absolutely. If not, maybe drop her a line. Just saying.

[Anne in CA]

Yes, I have been dropped by casual friends when I started working more and couldn't do a ton of volunteer work anymore and while it is not exactly hurtful, it changes the landscape of your life. It can be hard to navigate those sort of changes. I would just tell her that you are cutting back facebook friends and block her completely so that she doesn't see your activity through mutual friends.

[KathyBC]

When people like your FB posts, they're trying to be nice.

 

That said, I do like being able to 'unfollow' or 'block' people on FB - I can keep in touch with people I'm no longer close to if I want, but we don't need to be in daily contact.

[Jackie]

I've said the same thing to people, even when not completely true - that I'm cutting back on my Facebook list to family and close friends. I have my Facebook pretty locked down, so you can't see my posts or friends list unless you're friended with me, so they're highly unlikely to see if only a handful of people were unfriended. The white lie seems less painful than absolute truth at times.

[poppy]

She might be afraid she did something that offended you. Simply saying 'I am keeping my life simple right now, but I enjoyed our get togethers. Good luck to you.' might be best,

 

I don't think quick likes = stalker, though. It just indicates the person is on FB a lot. And, I guess, is bad at playing it cool.

[Kari C in SC]

I like lots of things on fb... If that was a reason to unfriend someone, I would lose a lot of friends. Having said that, if you don't want her in your life, just ignore the message, block her and move on.

[Guest submarines]

She might be afraid she did something that offended you. Simply saying 'I am keeping my life simple right now, but I enjoyed our get togethers. Good luck to you.' might be best,

 

I don't think quick likes = stalker, though. It just indicates the person is on FB a lot. And, I guess, is bad at playing it cool.

 

Or even just accidental. I don't care for FB at all. I only go on FB to IM with one of my irl friends, maybe 2-3 times a week. I do have a huge "friends" list--a residue from a massive friends collection one of my networking group did a couple of years ago. As I chat with myfriend, I see new posts appear every 10 seconds or so. If they interest me, I like them. I guess my likes are quite instantaneous. I never look through any older posts. Hopefully I don't like many of the same people too often.

[Word Nerd]

It probably isn't possible to keep from hurting her feelings, as she clearly wants to remain in contact with you and stay friends but the feeling is not mutual for whatever reason. I would just be as gentle as possible and wish her well. (Actually, I wouldn't have unfriended her to begin with, but we all have different expectations and comfort levels when it comes to Facebook.)

[PrairieSong]

I like lots of things on fb... If that was a reason to unfriend someone, I would lose a lot of friends. Having said that, if you don't want her in your life, just ignore the message, block her and move on.

I just thought it was odd, that almost every post I made on FB was liked by her within minutes. And, like I said, we haven't seen each other in several years and weren't super close. I didn't know they'd moved out of state until months later, for example. I do wish her well, but will likely never see her again.

[JeneralMom]

I just thought it was odd, that almost every post I made on FB was liked by her within minutes. And, like I said, we haven't seen each other in several years and weren't super close. I didn't know they'd moved out of state until months later, for example. I do wish her well, but will likely never see her again.

To me, this is one of the primary purposes of FB; keeping in contact with people you may never physically see again (well and to post pics for family who are far away).

[PrairieSong]

To me, this is one of the primary purposes of FB; keeping in contact with people you may never physically see again (well and to post pics for family who are far away).

Yes, but I don't feel the need or the desire to keep up every casual friendship I've ever had in my life. There would be way too much in my FB feed to even keep up with. I do love seeing photos of the nieces' and nephews' little kids who live in another state.

[Tohru]

I thought of saying something like that. It wouldn't be true though.

 

I don't know.  I don't do FB, but I know that people really do take the feelings it provokes seriously.  She sounds like she was just trying to be nice and didn't understand Your FB etiquette and expectations. 

 

If you aren't cleaning up your friends list, then it sounds like you're just being mean and want others to validate that....It is hurting her feelings and it will probably continue to hurt her feelings as long as FB exists. 

[mommymilkies]

Oh gosh, I hope my friends don't think I'm a stalker! I "like" things a lot.  I get updates on my phone.  I do it because I have a lot in common with my friends list and genuinely like what they post.  I had never thought of that as creepy behavior before.  

[gardenmom5]

 

 

I'm not really sure what to do. I have no desire to be FB friends but no desire to hurt her feelings either. She's a sweet person...but we were never got to be super close friends and I haven't seen her for about...8 or 9 years. WWYD?

 

if you have no desire to continue contact, continue to ignore.

 

[PrairieSong]

Oh gosh, I hope my friends don't think I'm a stalker! I "like" things a lot. I get updates on my phone. I do it because I have a lot in common with my friends list and genuinely like what they post. I had never thought of that as creepy behavior before.

I don't think "likes" are creepy at all. It was just that she liked almost every single I thing posted, almost immediately. That's what I thought was odd.

[PrairieSong]

I don't know. I don't do FB, but I know that people really do take the feelings it provokes seriously. She sounds like she was just trying to be nice and didn't understand Your FB etiquette and expectations.

 

If you aren't cleaning up your friends list, then it sounds like you're just being mean and want others to validate that....It is hurting her feelings and it will probably continue to hurt her feelings as long as FB exists.

Well, that's why I posted this, to try to figure out a way to NOT hurt her feelings. That wasn't my intention. She has a lot of FB friends and it seems like it took her a while to notice I wasn't around. I was hoping to just quietly fade out of her life, and then she messaged me. Sigh.

[ThisIsTheDay]

WW*I*D?  I already have my Friends list invisible to everyone unless they are my FB friends. I would tell her that I've had a hard time lately managing FB and that I've cut my FB Friends down to just family and a few close friends.

 

And I don't think you would by lying--you had a hard time with her FB posts and you've cut back your friends list.

[PhotoGal]

Yes, but I don't feel the need or the desire to keep up every casual friendship I've ever had in my life. There would be way to much in my FB feed to even keep up with. I do love seeing photos of the nieces' and nephews' little kids who live in another state.

 

I would just tell her this (although written a little more gently).

[LibraryLover]

ime, people 'like" things because it seems validating.  You can block her without deleting her.  If she is not dangerous, think of your FB friend status with her as a mitzvah.

[PrairieSong]

ime, people 'like" things because it seems validating. You can block her without deleting her. If she is not dangerous, think of your FB friend status with her as a mitzvah.

I think so, too. She was acknowledging things. It bugged me, but I don't believe it was intentional at all. It was completely my problem. I did block her...and then later unfriended her because, well, I didn't see the point if she couldn't see my stuff and I didn't see hers...and I wasn't interested in a friendship with someone I'd known casually and haven't seen for almost a decade.

 

So...I can either play dumb and add her back...or be honest.

 

Sigh. I still haven't replied to her message.

[Miss Marple]

You are not under any obligation to answer her message :)  You can delete and ignore without being a bad person.  

 

If she hasn't seen any updates from you in a long time, then she notices you are no longer friends...well, if it were me, I'd assume you didn't want to maintain communication with me and I'd leave it alone.  Someone pursuing re-opening communication is, IMO, worth ignoring if you don't feel you can honestly tell her you were "cleaning up contacts and limiting your exposure".

[Slartibartfast]

My cousin is kinda goofy and he likes ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME, he even likes my posts about knitting or other silly things.

 

Some people are just enthusiastic or maybe you post really cool things all the time?

 

I think you are over worrying about it.

[PrairieSong]

How's this....Dear B, We're doing well. I hope you are, too. I've cut way back on Facebook because it was just taking too much time for me. I considered deactivating my account completely but decided to keep it, pared down, because extended family uses it for keeping in touch and making plans. I hope you understand. It's just a personal decision on my part, and nothing against you or anyone else.

 

How does that sound?

[PrairieSong]

My cousin is kinda goofy and he likes ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME, he even likes my posts about knitting or other silly things.

 

Some people are just enthusiastic or maybe you post really cool things all the time?

 

I think you are over worrying about it.

I get what you are saying, and that's funny about your cousin. However, it just kept grating on me. But now what's done is done. I already unfriended her, months ago.

[Slartibartfast]

How's this....Dear B, We're doing well. I hope you are, too. I've cut way back on Facebook because it was just taking too much time for me. I considered deactivating my account completely but decided to keep it, pared down, because extended family uses it for keeping in touch and making plans. I hope you understand. It's just a personal decision on my part, and nothing against you or anyone else.

 

How does that sound?

I think that sounds fine. I would maybe add "if you move back to the area message me blah blah blah" just to be kinda nice but I am actually super nice IRL, much nice than I am here sometimes. :lol:

[Slartibartfast]

I get what you are saying, and that's funny about your cousin. However, it just kept grating on me. But now what's done is done. I already unfriended her, months ago.

My sister's husband was actually offended and demanded, "Who is this guy liking everything!!"

 

They are a second cousin and we tend to only see them at funerals and such.

[PrairieSong]

My sister's husband was actually offended and demanded, "Who is this guy liking everything!!"

.

LOL

[Tangerine]

I feel like "likes" are the currency of Facebook and indiscriminate likers devalue it. Ridiculous?  Yes.  I can't help it.  It drives me bonkers.

[J-rap]

If she gives you weird vibes, you don't even have to come up with an excuse.  You don't have to answer her at all.  Or, you could explain you are simplifying your life and Facebook account, and try and leave it at that, but then she might respond.

 

On the other hand, if she really is a sweet person and you enjoyed being with her when she was here, it could be her Facebook likes don't really mean anything at all.  I have a good friend who likes everything every single one of my children post, all the time.  (I don't do Facebook.)  It might come off as strange but everyone knows she is really sweet, and also, I honestly believe she thinks liking posts is a polite thing to do.  So, you could always add her back on as a friend again, but then block your posts so that she doesn't see them regularly (I assume you can do that?) and block hers as well. 

 

ETA:  Maybe "hide" is what I mean...not "block" -- not quite sure how that works!

[PrincessMommy]

I'm not on FB anymore, but have been thinking about going back.  Anyway I totally get what Prairie Song is saying.  At least I think I do.  It makes total sense to me.  Everyone uses FB differently and those who are the "super likers" need to get that some of us aren't as comfortable with that, and might even find it a bit intrusive.  Anyway, I understand the need to clean up your account and unfriend those you really aren't in contact with and don't have much inclination to resume an online friendship.   I don't think it's being mean, I think you're being practical and honest with yourself.  I also used to pride myself that I had a small FB friends list (less than 100).  I'm weird that way.

 

I think it's weird that she would contact you anyway.  I'd probably get it that this person wasn't interested - or wanted a simpler FB account or whatever and I'd move on.   If it was an online IRL friend then I'd be worried... but not someone I only see on FB and haven't been really friends with for years.

 

[PrairieSong]

I'm not on FB anymore, but have been thinking about going back. Anyway I totally get what Prairie Song is saying. At least I think I do. It makes total sense to me. Everyone uses FB differently and those who are the "super likers" need to get that some of us aren't as comfortable with that, and might even find it a bit intrusive. Anyway, I understand the need to clean up your account and unfriend those you really aren't in contact with and don't have much inclination to resume an online friendship. I don't think it's being mean, I think you're being practical and honest with yourself. I also used to pride myself that I had a small FB friends list (less than 100). I'm weird that way.

 

I think it's weird that she would contact you anyway. I'd probably get it that this person wasn't interested - or wanted a simpler FB account or whatever and I'd move on. If it was an online IRL friend then I'd be worried... but not someone I only see on FB and haven't been really friends with for years.

Yes, you get me, and yes, I thought it was odd that she contacted me, especially after she re-added me as a friend and I ignored that for a couple of weeks. She is assuming or hoping (from what she wrote me) that it was a FB glitch. Sigh. No, it's just me, your mean and heartless friend who cut you off. Honestly, I have no desire to hurt her.

[Seasider]

It wouldn't bother me so much that she liked everything. I would find it creepy that she sent a personal message expressing her sadness over the unfriending after a long period of obviously decreased communication.

 

Seems like things are at one of two possible extremes: either she is really really lonely, or really really attached to you. Objectively considering both possibilities, do you really want to reinitiate contact? If she is really lonely, the only thing that would help is for virtual friends to encourage her to get busy making irl friends. Do you feel the desire/need to encourage her in that way? [ETA if she's really attached to you... creepy]

 

I think what I would do - if I were you, based mostly on what you appear to be feeling based on your posts on this thread - is just let it go with no response. Virtual relationships come and go, in and out of season.

 

If you were dear and important friends, and kept a better, more mutually satisfying correspondence since her move, I'd probably answer differently. But it kinda seems like you already know what you'd prefer to do.

[jenamiles]

I don't have anything constructive to add; however, for fun I thought I'd let you know you aren't alone.  My husband actually unfriended his ex-girlfriend after being married to me for over 10 years.  She called him the next day to find out what she did wrong...umm, nothing.  We have just both moved on with our lives and perhaps our spouses may not appreciate our continued FB friendship. (Yes, he used me as the scapegoat even though I could have cared less.) 

 

Those of us who use facebook for keeping in touch with close (active) friends and family will eventually hurt the feelings of someone who is a friend collector.  It's okay to keep your wall pared down and okay for them to get hurt.  I work in an online very connected social media world and have come to recognize that I can ignore people's requests or say.. you are a nice person but my wall is only for people I know actively IRL and my family so don't take it personally.

 

[DianeW88]

She's going to be offended, there's really no way to avoid it.  So, as long as you're okay with that, then respond in the way you posted above.  If it were me...I'd just ignore the whole thing or add her back.  It's Facebook...she's doing what people do on Facebook.  Her "liking" things wouldn't offend me, but everyone is different, I guess.

[PrairieSong]

Well, since she sent me a PM I did write her back just now, telling her I hoped she was doing well and that I'd made the decision, months ago, that I wanted to simplify my FB acct and that it was nothing personal against her or anyone else, and certainly not my intention to make her sad. Yes, she said in her message she was "so sad". Kinda leaves me scratching my head as to why I am so important to her, after all these years.

 

If I had noticed that someone unfriended me (and tbh I doubt I would notice) I would just shrug and move on...unless it was a family member or close friend.

[Scarlett]

Yes, but I don't feel the need or the desire to keep up every casual friendship I've ever had in my life. There would be way to much in my FB feed to even keep up with. I do love seeing photos of the nieces' and nephews' little kids who live in another state.

I don't find it odd at all that she likes your posts. It probably means she spends a lot of time there.

 

As far as what you see in your feed....that is easily controlled without deleting anyone as friend. I take people off my feed all of the time....an adult nephew that uses foul language, a friend who posts recipe after recipe......

 

All of that being said, if you don't want her in your life just ignore her email. Or if you want to be kind tell her you are keeping your FB friends list small.

 

Edited: oops...didn't see your date.....I think that was fine to handle it that way.

[Laurie4b]

I think "liking" something is a way of being nice or saying that you agree with something.

 

I guess I'm missing what's harmful or aversive to you about keeping her as a FB friend. You could put her in a different category than your other friends and that way she will only see some stuff and vice versa. I guess I'm missing why it would be a big deal. 

 

 

[Lady Florida.]

Well, since she sent me a PM I did write her back just now, telling her I hoped she was doing well and that I'd made the decision, months ago, that I wanted to simplify my FB acct and that it was nothing personal against her or anyone else, and certainly not my intention to make her sad. Yes, she said in her message she was "so sad". Kinda leaves me scratching my head as to why I am so important to her, after all these years.

 

If I had noticed that someone unfriended me (and tbh I doubt I would notice) I would just shrug and move on...unless it was a family member or close friend.

 

I initially quoted your post where you composed a response and was going to tell you it sounds good. Then I came to this post where you actually did respond. That's a little weird that she responded back with more than just an "I understand" kind of reply. You've done all you can do. You tried to do it in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings. I say just let it go and know that it's really her, not you. You don't need to continue to try and justify it to her. 

[PrairieSong]

I think "liking" something is a way of being nice or saying that you agree with something.

 

I guess I'm missing what's harmful or aversive to you about keeping her as a FB friend. You could put her in a different category than your other friends and that way she will only see some stuff and vice versa. I guess I'm missing why it would be a big deal.

Ok, here's the thing. I met her about 15 years ago and we were casual friends for a few years...to me we were not that close and would go months without communicating. They moved away in 2004 or 2005...I think...and I didn't even know it for a long time. If I went past the house where they used to live, I'd have a passing thought...I wonder how they're doing? But that's it.

 

Then a few years ago she found me on Facebook. She had gotten divorced and remarried. She posted a lot and would like every single thing I posted almost immediately. She sent me a Christmas message once, "I miss you so much, my sweet friend." I said I missed her too, to be nice, but I honestly didn't. We hadn't gotten to that point of closeness in our friendship.

 

Did you ever have a friend who was more attached to you than you were to them? That's how it is. We weren't close friends in real life, but suddenly via Facebook we were apparently super close (to her) and she was so sad when she realized we weren't FB friends anymore. I am puzzled as to why I am so important to her...a casual friend from a decade ago.

 

Maybe that is a better explanation.

Edited January 21, 2014 by PrairieSong

[Miss Marple]

I think "liking" something is a way of being nice or saying that you agree with something.

 

I guess I'm missing what's harmful or aversive to you about keeping her as a FB friend. You could put her in a different category than your other friends and that way she will only see some stuff and vice versa. I guess I'm missing why it would be a big deal. 

I agree that "liking" is just a way of agreeing, being nice, and acknowledging someone.

 

Here's the problem I ran into when putting people in different categories or putting them on ignore status:  Because I remained "friends" people made assumptions that I saw what they had posted.  Then it got rather tricky trying to tell them that I had not seen the post (without being dishonest and saying that I just missed it).  

 

I was getting inundated with youthful posters posting selfies, silly things, etc.  Some of the kids moms also expected me to know what was happening with their teens.  It was tiresome as well as disheartening to scroll through posts (some very cringe-worthy).  It was easier to be honest and un-friend them.  I really had no desire to know what they were up to and I'm sure I was just a # to add to their "friends" count.  I told my boys to tell anyone who asked that I unfriended anyone under the age of 20 unless they were youth I had interacted with in our co-op and still had a relationship with.

[PrairieSong]

I initially quoted your post where you composed a response and was going to tell you it sounds good. Then I came to this post where you actually did respond. That's a little weird that she responded back with more than just an "I understand" kind of reply. You've done all you can do. You tried to do it in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings. I say just let it go and know that it's really her, not you. You don't need to continue to try and justify it to her.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be unclear. She only sent me one PM, in which she said she was so sad to see we weren't FB friends anymore, and then I responded. She hasn't written back.

[Lady Florida.]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be unclear. She only sent me one PM, in which she said she was so sad to see we weren't FB friends anymore, and then I responded. She hasn't written back.

 

Oh, I thought she was trying to make you feel guilty after you responded. Either way, you did all you should, and don't need to feel bad.

[Alenee]

If you do tell her the truth and just 'move on', are you prepared to possibly see her in the future (maybe she moves back?) and face the hurt in her that you caused by not really caring?  Just a thought...  I wouldn't think this way about most of the people I unfriended unless it was a situation like yours where she actually asked you what was up.

[PrairieSong]

If you do tell her the truth and just 'move on', are you prepared to possibly see her in the future (maybe she moves back?) and face the hurt in her that you caused by not really caring? Just a thought... I wouldn't think this way about most of the people I unfriended unless it was a situation like yours where she actually asked you what was up.

I seriously doubt I will see her. They moved here because her ex-husband had a job here. She and her current husband now live several states away, closer to their families. If she ever came back here to visit friends, etc., she probably wouldn't come visit me, and especially not now. If she did, I would be friendly and certainly talk to her.

[Trish]

I don't necessarily think she's psycho because she likes a lot of posts, she may just be an intensive Facebook user. I also don't think she's unhealthily attached to you, because she didn't notice you had unfriended her for quite some time. And I don't necessarily think she's lonely just because she asked to resume contact. More likely, if she's an avid Facebook user she may have felt that it was a glitch (as she said) or perhaps said something offensive. So she's seeking to re-friend. Having someone as a friend, but blocked, seems fairly unobtrusive unless you have a serious reason for wanting to keep her off your list. I pretty much will accept any friend request as long as I don't have concerns about the person, or completely DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE. (I've gotten a few like that, and is apparently local and I have NO IDEA who she is. Still wondering)

 

There are plenty of people who I rarely see, never see, or was never close to. But, I don't go out of my way to unfriend them.

 

Why not add her back? Unless you want to emphasize the point about cutting ties, of course. Then I guess you should just cut them.

 

Good luck deciding, whatever way you go.

[Trish]

I agree that "liking" is just a way of agreeing, being nice, and acknowledging someone.

 

Here's the problem I ran into when putting people in different categories or putting them on ignore status:  Because I remained "friends" people made assumptions that I saw what they had posted.  Then it got rather tricky trying to tell them that I had not seen the post (without being dishonest and saying that I just missed it).  

 

I was getting inundated with youthful posters posting selfies, silly things, etc.  Some of the kids moms also expected me to know what was happening with their teens.  It was tiresome as well as disheartening to scroll through posts (some very cringe-worthy).  It was easier to be honest and un-friend them.  I really had no desire to know what they were up to and I'm sure I was just a # to add to their "friends" count.  I told my boys to tell anyone who asked that I unfriended anyone under the age of 20 unless they were youth I had interacted with in our co-op and still had a relationship with.

 

I just tell people I don't check Facebook much, because I don't.

 

Hasn't caused any problems.

[flyingiguana]

I've blocked people but kept them as friends.  Just cuz.  Then I can hop over to their page and see what they're up to if I care at some future date.  Then I don't get their every cute baby picture of nieces I have never met.

 

There used to be some way to have (I don't know what they called them) friend groups -- where you could decide which things went where.  Does fb still have that?

 

Mostly, though, I just ignore.  I don't really see fb as a friend group anyway.  It's more of a keep up to date on what's happening group.  Which is good, because people post a lot of things that would just drive me bonkers if I actually cared how they were mucking up my feed.  (But I can't block them, because every now and then, they'll say something useful.)

 

Yeah, and some people like a lot of my stuff for no apparent reason.  They don't even live here anymore, and we weren't even all that friendly to start with.  Whatever.  I'm saving my irritation for people I actually care about!

 

If I were in your position, I'd probably just add her back and live with it.  Facebook is weird.  I'm friends with people who have, like, FIVE friends.  So every single thing I post ends up in their feed.  And these are people I have NOTHING in common with.  We never see each other.  Probably never will again.  But I won't unfriend them.  Cause then they'd be down to 4 friends.  That's just too noticeable for my comfort.