A friend discloses "confidential" info...do you still tell your spouse?

[Doran]

I have experienced this more than once in my marriage. A close friend chooses to share something with me -- not always about herself, sometimes about a mutual friend -- and adds that it is strictly confidential. Generally, I honor that confidence completely and do not even tell my husband. In a recent circumstance, that choice left me having to back pedal a bit with my spouse, when the information went public but I'd known all along. But, I still felt that it was the right thing to do. Still, I have the sense that many people think of their spouses as "outside the boundaries". What do you think?

 

If you want to know where this is coming from, today a friend disclosed to me that someone we both know relatively well has reverted to his cocaine habit. :001_unsure: The information came to my friend from the user's long term significant other. As yet, I have not told my husband.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Honestly? Sometimes I do share and sometimes I do not. It really depends on the situation, who and what, the kind of information, and so forth. He is beyond loyal and would NEVER betray a trust. I know that I can totally discuss things with him if I need to. However, if it is something very personal to be held in confidence, I would not talk to him without license from the person.

[Mrs Mungo]

Honestly? Sometimes I do share and sometimes I do not. It really depends on the situation, who and what, the kind of information, and so forth. He is beyond loyal and would NEVER betray a trust. I know that I can totally discuss things with him if I need to. However, if it is something very personal to be held in confidence, I would not talk to him without license from the person.

 

I tend to agree.

[snickelfritz]

Depends on what it is and whether it comes up in conversation with him. But, he is TOTALLY trustworthy.

[Plaid Dad]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know. I've never actually had anyone not go on to tell me whatever-it-was. Anyone who knows my dw knows she would be the last person in the world to spread gossip.

 

ETA: One exception to this is that both of us have attended separate church retreats where confidentiality was requested, even about who was in the room (these were men's and women's retreats on s*xuality). We've respected those requests 100%.

[Brindee]

Same here. When someone says, "This is confidential" I ask whether that includes my dh. If they say yes, I abide by their wishes. Usually they don't care if I tell him, because they KNOW he is trustworthy. {lus he can often help me fugure out what to do with the info., if anything.

[battlemaiden]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know. I've never actually had anyone not go on to tell me whatever-it-was. Anyone who knows my dw knows she would be the last person in the world to spread gossip.

 

This would be me.

 

Jo

[dragons in the flower bed]

But, I still felt that it was the right thing to do. Still, I have the sense that many people think of their spouses as "outside the boundaries". What do you think?

 

I would do what PlaidDad does, except for DP's coprolalia. He's not so bad with cuss words because he thinks of them as acceptable, but secrets trigger it, and nothing's a faster friend-loser than a grown man chanting your secret in a singsong undertone in public. Because of that, my partner and I have a strict policy: nothing that needs to be kept secret goes into his head, even silly things like surprise gifts for the kids. Anyone likely to confide in me is likely to know about it, anyway.

[missplacedalaskan]

I agree with Drew. I usually tell Dh everything, not to gossip, but he is my sounding board. A lot of times talking to him just helps me to process the information. He would never betray a confidence!

[Remudamom]

Yes, if I know, dh knows. We're the same person. The only exception would be if it were truly gossip, and he wouldn't be interested.

[Brindee]

 

Yes, if I know, dh knows. We're the same person. The only exception would be if it were truly gossip, and he wouldn't be interested.

Yep, exactly!

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My dh wouldn't want to hear it. He hates gossip. I'm off the hook keeping things from him because he will frequently stop me when he senses he's about to hear something he'd rather not know. I basically only tell him things that affect him personally.

[Elaine]

I have experienced this more than once in my marriage. A close friend chooses to share something with me -- not always about herself, sometimes about a mutual friend -- and adds that it is strictly confidential. Generally, I honor that confidence completely and do not even tell my husband. In a recent circumstance, that choice left me having to back pedal a bit with my spouse, when the information went public but I'd known all along. But, I still felt that it was the right thing to do. Still, I have the sense that many people think of their spouses as "outside the boundaries". What do you think?

 

If you want to know where this is coming from, today a friend disclosed to me that someone we both know relatively well has reverted to his cocaine habit. :001_unsure: The information came to my friend from the user's long term significant other. As yet, I have not told my husband.

 

I tell my husband only because he is like a vault. If you tell him something in confidence, he will never betray that trust.

[Elaine]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know. I've never actually had anyone not go on to tell me whatever-it-was.

 

 

 

My husband does this. He is known as a trustworthy person and people confide in him frequently.

[ereks mom]

Same here.

[Cheryl in NM]

Yes, if I know, dh knows. We're the same person. The only exception would be if it were truly gossip, and he wouldn't be interested.

 

:iagree: This is exactly how I feel. I ususally don't take gossip to heart anyway. Like someone else said, though, dh is my sounding board.

 

I do feel it is fundamentally wrong for someone to ask that something be kept from a spouse. "let no man tear asunder", you know. Dh and I tend to not be close with people that like to keep secrets and we do tell each other even if asked not to. We are one person.

[*anj*]

Same here. When someone says, "This is confidential" I ask whether that includes my dh. If they say yes, I abide by their wishes. Usually they don't care if I tell him, because they KNOW he is trustworthy. {lus he can often help me fugure out what to do with the info., if anything.

 

This is pretty much what we do. I have one friend who has said to me just a couple of times "Please don't even tell (dh)" and I abide by her wishes. Almost every time she's later told me to go ahead and confide in him because she'd like to know his opinion about the situation.

 

There are also confidences that some of my female friends have shared that I don't tell him because I don't want him to have certain images or thoughts about them in his mind. You know, the girl talk stuff. He doesn't want to know any of that anyhow. ;)

[JudoMom]

This would be me.

 

Jo

 

This is where I fall as well.

[Danestress]

Particularly if they are "past history" and would change his view of a person, or if they are speculative, "I think my DH is having an affair." Overall, I think men and women should have some accountability without feeling that they are being forced to share with the opposite sex. I think my sisters should be able to tell me things without thinking my DH necessarily knows - when there is no real reason he should.

 

If a guy in DH's bible study asked for prayer regarding porn, I would hope DH wouldn't tell me. It would change my view of the person, violate his trust, and mean that he doesn't really have men's group he can talk to frankly.

 

Likewise, I try to always honor what women tell me. I've learned a lot of things in women's ministry that DH simply doesn't need to know.

[dalynnrmc]

I didn't read the other's replies.

 

To me, as a Christian who believes that marriage is sacred and a thing to be protected, any time someone tells me that they'll tell me something but I "can't tell anyone," I stop them and simply tell them that I NEVER promise to NOT tell my spouse. I can promise that I won't be loose-lipped and tell anyone else, and I don't necessarily tell him things just to tell him things, but I am sure to let people know that I do NOT keep secrets from my dh.

 

If they care to still tell me after that, then they've given me permission to tell him. If they don't, then all the better. Anything that starts with, "Don't tell anyone else, but..." is generally gossip, and I don't want to hear it. :)

[sleepy]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know. I've never actually had anyone not go on to tell me whatever-it-was. Anyone who knows my dw knows she would be the last person in the world to spread gossip.

 

 

Yes, me too. I just don't like the idea of keeping something from my dh.

[*anj*]

I definitely agree with this. They talk about all kinds of things in my dh's Men's Prayer Group/Bible Study. He would never, ever divulge the things that are shared there, nor would I ever want to know. I don't consider things of this nature keeping secrets from me, rather he's protecting the confidence and reputation of another man. There are some things that I just don't need to know, and same goes for him.

 

 

Particularly if they are "past history" and would change his view of a person, or if they are speculative, "I think my DH is having an affair." Overall, I think men and women should have some accountability without feeling that they are being forced to share with the opposite sex. I think my sisters should be able to tell me things without thinking my DH necessarily knows - when there is no real reason he should.

 

If a guy in DH's bible study asked for prayer regarding porn, I would hope DH wouldn't tell me. It would change my view of the person, violate his trust, and mean that he doesn't really have men's group he can talk to frankly.

 

Likewise, I try to always honor what women tell me. I've learned a lot of things in women's ministry that DH simply doesn't need to know.

[Cheryl in NM]

My dh always says that if you don't want other people to know something then don't say it.

 

If I need a prayer for a problem then the women's spouses should be as understanding as them. Christain is christain no matter the gender. Also, admiting my problem helps me to take personal responsibility.

 

I personally believe (after being caught with my foot in my mouth WAY too many times) that I shouldn't say something about someone unless I'm willing to say it TO them.

 

In the instance of the OP she just received gossip. There was no reason for her friend to relay the drug relapse. There's no reason to pass that info on to ANYone. At this point, the relapsed person would be added to my prayers. I wouldn't pass it on to dh, because it's gossip, unless the news had direct bearing on our lives. Like, the relapsed person babysits our kids, has keys to our house, etc.

[sdWTMer]

I'm in this camp! My dh and I talk about everything.

[wagnfun]

Honestly? Sometimes I do share and sometimes I do not. It really depends on the situation, who and what, the kind of information, and so forth. He is beyond loyal and would NEVER betray a trust. I know that I can totally discuss things with him if I need to. However, if it is something very personal to be held in confidence, I would not talk to him without license from the person.

 

:iagree: This is totally me. For the most part dh doesn't want to hear anything that has to do with gossip or just day to day drama about someone else' life. If it had to do with a drug habit (which this has actually happened to us), I did tell him b/c there was the slight chance we'd all be together. I could see him letting this person take my kids to the park with his kids.

[tibbyl]

I have experienced this more than once in my marriage. A close friend chooses to share something with me -- not always about herself, sometimes about a mutual friend -- and adds that it is strictly confidential. Generally, I honor that confidence completely and do not even tell my husband. In a recent circumstance, that choice left me having to back pedal a bit with my spouse, when the information went public but I'd known all along. But, I still felt that it was the right thing to do. Still, I have the sense that many people think of their spouses as "outside the boundaries". What do you think?

 

If you want to know where this is coming from, today a friend disclosed to me that someone we both know relatively well has reverted to his cocaine habit. :001_unsure: The information came to my friend from the user's long term significant other. As yet, I have not told my husband.

 

Although it depends upon the situation and upon my husband's relationship with the entity in question, more often than not I will share with husband.

 

Like PlaidDad, I sometimes have stopped people before they can tell me a secret. Sometimes knowledge is a burden, kwim?

 

Don't you just hate it when Suzy conspiratorially asks you to keep something confidential ..........

 

only to have Janie retell you the same story in confidence a short time later, quoting Suzy as her source?

[StephanieZ]

I think that the spousal rule applies here. That is, pretty much anything in my head/heart I am allowed to share with my spouse and I assume anyone else will do likewise.

 

If I were to ever to want someone to *not* share something with their spouse, then I would specify that specifically *before* disclosure.

 

Now, if you have a blabber mouth spouse, then you might need to modify this rule. ;) Fortunately, my spouse is a model of discretion and mostly forgets whatever I tell him! :D

 

I think if it is pure gossip (being told about a third person out of spite or wrecklessness and not out of caring), then you probably shouldn't have known in the first place, should try to forget it and should probably avoid sharing it with anyone.

 

But, for me, most info that crosses my path regarding people I care about touches my heart and I would not want to have to restrain myself from venting/mulling it over/etc with my spouse. He is my "other half" and I just can't imagine having to not be able to talk/think with him! When you share something important with someone, it impacts them now as well as impacting you (I like the image of ripples in a pond), so I think it is unkind to expect someone to not likewise discuss that important thing.

 

I mean, if it impacts *you* enough to need to talk about it, then it will likely also impact the caring person that you are sharing it with. . . and so then they need to talk about it. . .

 

That's not to say that sometimes I haven't intentionally not repeated a confidence, even to my spouse. Knowing about a friend's STD or marital trouble or something like that. . . unless it was really weighing on my heart (b/c of their medical risk or whatever) I would (and do) avoid repeating it. But, I feel free to talk to my spouse if I need to. Everyone who knows me well enough to confide in me knows that I blab to my dh about every little thing. . .

[Jennifer3141]

I tend not to disclose anything anyone asks me not to. I will talk to DH if I think he can help the situation in some way, but no. What comes ot me usually stays with me.

 

Jen

[LauraL]

Three scenarios:

1) If it is something that someone told me about someone else, I usually try to look at it as gossip, since I don't have the information from the source. Generally, I see nothing to be gained by repeating "speculative" info, even to my spouse. (Although, if I think it may be helpful, I might follow up by approaching the subject individual and holding a conversation with him/her.) My experience has been that negative impressions formed by such "information" are difficult to overcome, even when the information turns out to be inaccurate. I would like to save hubby the effort of having to overcome such a negative impression (and wish that I didn't have to as well). When it appears to me that someone is on the verge of repeating negative info about another (for any purpose other than to solicit support and help for that person) I try to cut it off at the pass, because I don't want to hear it.

 

2) If it is information someone tells me about herself, and she specifically asks me not to share that information, I will respect that request and not discuss it with my husband (short of suicidal thoughts, etc. for which immediate intervention may be necessary).

 

3) If it is information share with me in my capacity as a leader in my religious community, I do not share the information unless I first obtain permission to do so. (Again, however, there is an exception for the case when immediate intervention is needed for the individual's safety and welfare.)

[keptwoman]

:iagree: This is exactly how I feel. I ususally don't take gossip to heart anyway. Like someone else said, though, dh is my sounding board.

 

I do feel it is fundamentally wrong for someone to ask that something be kept from a spouse. "let no man tear asunder", you know. Dh and I tend to not be close with people that like to keep secrets and we do tell each other even if asked not to. We are one person.

 

Yes this is how I feel.

[Snickerdoodle]

I think that the spousal rule applies here. That is, pretty much anything in my head/heart I am allowed to share with my spouse and I assume anyone else will do likewise.

 

:iagree:

[laylamcb]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know. I've never actually had anyone not go on to tell me whatever-it-was. Anyone who knows my dw knows she would be the last person in the world to spread gossip.

 

 

 

:iagree: completely. This is our approach exactly. And ditto: Never had anyone tell me, "Well, in that case, never mind."

[Doran]

Three scenarios:

1) If it is something that someone told me about someone else, I usually try to look at it as gossip, since I don't have the information from the source. Generally, I see nothing to be gained by repeating "speculative" info, even to my spouse. (Although, if I think it may be helpful, I might follow up by approaching the subject individual and holding a conversation with him/her.) My experience has been that negative impressions formed by such "information" are difficult to overcome, even when the information turns out to be inaccurate. I would like to save hubby the effort of having to overcome such a negative impression (and wish that I didn't have to as well). When it appears to me that someone is on the verge of repeating negative info about another (for any purpose other than to solicit support and help for that person) I try to cut it off at the pass, because I don't want to hear it.

 

2) If it is information someone tells me about herself, and she specifically asks me not to share that information, I will respect that request and not discuss it with my husband (short of suicidal thoughts, etc. for which immediate intervention may be necessary).

 

3) If it is information share with me in my capacity as a leader in my religious community, I do not share the information unless I first obtain permission to do so. (Again, however, there is an exception for the case when immediate intervention is needed for the individual's safety and welfare.)

 

 

For me, clearly there's no blanket rule that something is shared with my husband. I participate in a women's group and participants agree that what is said together stays confidential. Equivalent to prayer group confidences, I feel. While I don't consider what was told to me in this recent instance to be gossip, per se (I might need to clarify the definintion of "gossip"), I still don't feel it would benefit the individual in question for me to share that news with anyone, including my husband. I'm concerned for the guy. I'm concerned for his significant other with whom he lives and with whom he parents his son from a former relationship. I'm concerned for his extended family (parents and sister, all of whom I know quite well). But, it's not mine to meddle with, you know? So, I just have to hold him in my heart with the knowledge that he needs a lot of support right now.

 

Laura, thanks for offering more than one scenario. I appreciate your insight.

[Doran]

I don't feel that something shared in confidence is "automatic fair game" for my husband's ears. Maybe many people assume that spouses will be told even when they share a secret, I don't know. I know if I'm disclosing something that dear to me, I am very selective in who and how I tell, and I often choose to not tell anyone. I don't believe I've ever told someone to keep a confidence about me from their spouse. However, if I've been specifically asked to keep something confidential, I assume that means don't even tell my husband. If I feel I might be inclined to tell because it's a tricky topic, I'll ask if it's okay to include my husband. But, as I said elsewhere, if it won't benefit the individual involved or if it doesn't impact us in some direct way, there's no point in telling dh, imo.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I appreciate your views.

[PariSarah]

. . . we keep it to ourselves. We take pastoral confidentiality very seriously. Even if it's not an official pastoral visit of some kind, when a friend or acquaintance says anything confession-y, or specifically asks for spiritual counsel, we treat it as if it were official pastoral visit.

 

There've been occasions where someone who knows us both was surprised to find that dh hadn't told me such-and-such or that I hadn't told him so-and-so. I think a lot of people assume that a pastor shares everything with his/her spouse, and they seem to be fine with it. That's not how we operate, but other people clearly do, and I don't think there is widespread outcry. ;)

 

Before we were in this role, however, we used to have a policy similar to Plaid Dad's--we let people know that we shared information. And if it were something that I felt like I needed to talk to dh about, I would certainly ask the person's permission. ("Do you mind if I let Stephen know that you and John broke up? I wouldn't share our whole conversation, of course, but I think he'd like to avoid coming up to you and shouting, 'Hey, Mary, how's the boyfriend!!'")

 

I do have a strict no-gossip thing going on, though, so I would have a lot of trouble in the conversation you're reporting, Doran. I'm not sure how I would handle it, except possibly by calling the SO of the individual in question and letting him/her know that this is getting around. In this instance, I wouldn't share it with my dh because it was gossip, not because it was confidential. After I had talked with the SO, perhaps it would be appropriate to tell him, depending on how the conversation with the SO went down.

 

I'm sorry about your friend. I hope he can get into treatment quickly.

[Lizzie in Ma]

For us, confidentiality does not mean each other.

I hope that doesn't sound self righteous or anything Doran, it isn't meant to. Just answering the question. :)

[LisaNY]

I'm pretty much in the same camp as Plaid Dad and the others. When someone shares a confidence, I always ask if it is okay to share it w/my husband. If they say "no", I have also been known at times to tell them it would be best to not share with me.

 

A lot of this depends upon the individual. Some people just like to manipulate and control by sharing a confidence with a select few. In that case, I always tell them not to share anything with me that they wouldn't want my dh to know.

 

And, I will not listen to gossip, so I stop people there.

[tinag]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know.

 

:iagree:

[PariSarah]

A lot of this depends upon the individual. Some people just like to manipulate and control by sharing a confidence with a select few.

 

This is absolutely true!! And it's not something you'd necessarily know until well into an acquaintance.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I keep nothing from my husband. When a friend has asked me to keep something to myself in the past, I have said, "You are not counting my husband. Right? Since we have no secrets from one another."

 

I would never keep anything from him.

[Scarlett]

I don't feel that something shared in confidence is "automatic fair game" for my husband's ears. Maybe many people assume that spouses will be told even when they share a secret, I don't know.

 

Sometimes when you promise not to tell your spouse, you can discover it becomes a heavy burden to bear. Not long ago, my best friend's dh adopted her ds from a previous marriage. The x-h relinquished his parental rights because he was about 5 years behind on child support. We have a very very long history with this x-h---he did my friend (and by extension US) very very dirty for many years before she finally divorced him. At any rate, she is an exceptional mother. She was awarded sole custody with visitation at her discretion. She never stopped allowing her x-h access to his son. My dh was constantly annoyed by this..he knew he had not paid cs for years, was a big loser and yet he could get his son for the weekend and go around looking all 'dad of the year'. This was my dh's perception...that the xh was pulling the wool over people's eyes. Well, when my friend asked the x-h to allow the adoption he agreed...but he didn't want ME to know. Yes, specifically me and he asked that they not tell anyone else, but my name was specifically mentioned. My friend told him, 'She already knows and how crazy is it that you would think I haven't already confided this to her!' So his next request was that my dh not be told. So she asked me not to tell my dh. I agreed. She was very very concerned that things go smoothly because she has cancer and thought of her x-h getting her son if she dies is horrible. So she and I agreed to this. And she told him he could continue to see his son as normal. (which has never been much...maybe 3 times a year)

 

Oh boy. Suddenly, everytime my dh vented about what the x-h was 'getting away with', I felt so ridiculous! And it suddenly seemed he was venting about it MUCH more often. Finally, after about 6 months I told my friend, 'this has become too much! My poor dh has been through all of this with you just like I have, and he doesn't get to share in the knowledge that the x-h is finally paying for his years of neglect to your son!' And I told her that it was causing ME distress to feel like I was keeping something from dh that was very important.

 

So she agreed to let me tell him. In hindsite, how silly for x-h to request that, how silly for her to promise it, how silly for ME to promise it. Shaking my head. I mean it involves the life, the legal name, the ADOPTION of a child who is old enough that he was in the court room when the adoption was finalized. How did the x-h think it was going to remain 'secret'? But would you believe when the child told his teenage step-siblings that he was now 'adopted', they didn't believe him? They asked their step-dad and he lied and said it wasn't true.

 

Anyway, I guess I do keep things from my dh...things that aren't my business to share and that have direct bearing on dh's life. But that was one secret that I regret promising to keep.

[Sasharowan]

I always receive confidences with the understanding that everything told to me can be shared with my spouse. It may not always be something that he wants to even know about, but I am upfront with them that if I feel the need to I will share with him. A marriage needs open communication and no secrets and to come first, in my opinion.

[DB in NJ]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know. I've never actually had anyone not go on to tell me whatever-it-was. Anyone who knows my dw knows she would be the last person in the world to spread gossip.

 

ETA: One exception to this is that both of us have attended separate church retreats where confidentiality was requested, even about who was in the room (these were men's and women's retreats on s*xuality). We've respected those requests 100%.

 

Same here with me and dh. There are some church issues that dh has to keep from me, and he'll tell me that there is something going on that he can't talk about. He doesn't name names or drop hints or anything, just asks me to pray for a situation that he may be struggling with knowing how to handle. Otherwise, it's a given that if you confide in one of us, you're confiding in both of us.

[Tammy]

I agree!

[Twinmom]

I've been known to stop people before they confide in me and tell them that they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want my dw to know. I've never actually had anyone not go on to tell me whatever-it-was. Anyone who knows my dw knows she would be the last person in the world to spread gossip.

 

I'm with PD on this one. I usually stop people and tell them that to tell me is to tell my DH. We are a unit and in most cases that means no secrets. There are, of course, some exceptions, but for us a healthy marriage means no secrets carried...even the secrets of others. Now, I have to add that anyone that knows DH knows that he is extremely circumspect and never talks about anything and that I am running a close second. I've never had anyone decide not to share under these circumstances.

[Cheryl in NM]

Something was bothering me last night about the OP, but I didn't say anything because I hadn't thought it all the way through. It's that the SO of the druggie told Doran's friend who in turn told Doran (and who knows who else). My though last night was what a horrible SO to be spreading this around when her SO needs help. This morning it occured to me that maybe the SO is telling people because she needs help and that's her way of asking for it. In which case, keeping the secret would only be hurting the situation. Of course, I'm not talking about spreading it around town, but I liked the idea of calling the SO to let her know that the news was spreading. I'd maybe offer some form of assitance and definitely my prayers.

[Melissa in FL]

Sorry, everyone knows that I share everything with my dh, and I WILL not lie to him. If someone tells me something that starts with "don't tell anyone else" I stop them cold and remind them that I don't keep things from dh so they might not want to tell me. Usually I'm told "I know that, I didn't mean him, just no one else!" Which of course I find amusing! That's not to say I come home and gossip to him. But if it comes up, I don't keep things from him. Now, my SIL has told me things and asked me to stay quiet till she can tell dh herself. Most of the time I do, but sometimes I give him a warning about what's up so he can think about it and not get blind-sided. But, he's been good about not letting SIL know he heard it from me first. SIL knows I will only keep things from him for that day. Other "gossip" type things she knows I don't keep from dh.

 

I really think this is a key point of trust within a marriage.

HTH

Melissa

[Jenny in Atl]

Depends on what the info is. Even if I do share, I don't worry since dh talks to few people, and rarely shares much even if he does... actually talk. :lol:

[Tullia]

If you have good reason to think that the report is true and there's a chance that your dh might place your dc in that person's care, then you certainly do want to tell him. Ditto if that person is in a position to endanger someone else. If it's simple gossip, I know that my dh would rather not hear about it. I agree with Plaid Dad; if you can think of it in time it's a good idea to ask if it's ok to share with your dh.

 

I've known several people over the years who aren't careful about getting their facts straight or who like to tell things that would be better left alone. If it's someone I can't totally avoid, I pass the bean dip and mention as often as needed that I don't appreciate being asked to keep a secret from dh.

[saved1112]

It depends what the info pertains to. We don't keep 'secrets' from each other. If the person/issue needs prayer as well as anonymisity (is that a word?), we'll pray without using names. I'd consider a drug related issue, possibly life threatening to the user as well as others, especially children... so therefore getting/offering help for that person (even if just an ear to listen) would be a priority.