s/o What age difference is too big in a romantic relationship?

[kentuckymom]

The thread about a 16 yo dating a 33 year old got me to thinking, what age difference is too big, and what factors should be considered?

 

Does it depend on the age at which the relationship begins? Does it depend on the stage of life the people are in?

 

My brother, for example, just got engaged to a woman 13 years his junior. He is 41. She is 28. They've been dating for almost 4 years, which means that, when they got together, she was 24 and he was 37. From my perspective, they have a good relationship and a chance at a very good marriage. Despite their age difference, they're basically in the same stage of life. When they met they were both single (as in never married before), childless adults, working and living alone.

 

Despite the fact that I really like this woman and look forward to having her as my sister in law, however, it does seem weird when I think about their age difference. She was graduated from kindergarten the year he graduated from high school. We were having dinner with them once at a restaurant and he remarked that she song that was playing came out when he was in high school. She said, "Yeah, I don't remember it coming out. I was in preschool."

 

When she was 16, he was 29. Would it have been okay for him to date her then? No, I think it would have been creepy. What about when she was 20 and he was 33? It would still have seemed kind of creepy to me, but less so. 

 

So what's the verdict? Does age difference actually matter less as we age, or do we just pretend it does?

[Catwoman]

I don't think it matters when both parties are mature adults. An extreme age difference may be fine for one couple, but not for another.

 

I don't think we can generalize.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't think it matters when both parties are mature adults. An extreme age difference may be fine for one couple, but not for another.

 

I don't think we can generalize.

I mostly agree with this. It really depends.

 

I will say that I had friends with much older husbands when we were younger. But, now that I'm over 40 many of them have divorced. They were in the same place when they married (single, never married, childless, etc), but they didn't stay that way. The difference didn't feel as big when they were 25 and 45 as it did when they were 40 and 60. But, I have tons of friends who have divorced and started out with spouses of similar ages. So, who knows what makes something work or not?

[LibraryLover]

I don't think it matters when both parties are mature adults. An extreme age difference may be fine for one couple, but not for another.

 

I don't think we can generalize.

 

That is where I am going with this. I've known some incredibly old souls. I can't say that it's always wrong. 

[Element]

I read somewhere that person A's age divided by 2, then add 7, should be equal to or greater than person B's age. So, 40 is okay with 27, 20 with 17, 30 with 22, etc. I think the idea is that the older you both get, the less a large age gap matters.

[UncleEJ]

I think it can work. It all depends on the people involved. And how old they are when the relationship starts.

 

My dad is married to a wonderful lady 16 years his junior. He is 53 and she is 36. It was a tiny bit strange at first, she is only 10 years older than me, but they are perfect for each other and you don't notice the age difference once you are around them for a while. An added bonus is that she and I are now best friends and her kids (12 and 14) babysit my little ones :-). We joke around sometimes about the gap and give her grief for being a "grandma" already, but all in all, it's a perfect match.

 

On the other hand, I met DH when I was 15 and he was 19. At the time this was a bit sketchy. My parents were not very happy about this but 12 years later a four year age difference means nothing.

[gardenmom5]

disclaimer: dh is 14 years older than me.  we've been married 31 years.

 

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule.  people mature at different age.  people have different life experiences that affect perspective.  I think an 80yo with a 25 yo is just as wrong/odd as 16/33.  in both cases, you really have to wonder how equal the relationship is and if both parties are together for *the right* reasons.  or has one chosen the other because of reasons. . . less altruistic shall we say?

 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

That said I do think there are some instances where the connection is made for reasons I don't think are the best.  But that's just my opinion not some sort of issue of it being immoral or whatever.  For example, I often wonder if a very young woman who dates a much older man isn't looking for a father she never had.   .

when a hot babe dates a rich (or even not-so-rich) old guy, my first thought is she's interested in his bank account, not him.

[Hunter's Moon]

I don't know that one can generalize this kind of thing - there are so many factors involved.

 

My sister is married to a man 29 years older than she. Her DH is 5 years younger than my father, so it is a bit odd. He is very set in his ways, so there is that to consider. Also, having kids is another thing to consider, as one partner being significantly older can definitely factor into fertility, number of children, etc.

 

DH and I are only 20 months apart, so I do not have any experience myself.

[xixstar]

My dh and I have 12 years difference and married when I was 25, he 38. He never felt a minute older than me then and for the most part now either, though we're both running a little slower with the little ones about -- maybe it's just seeing the difference of energy in us versus them.

 

It is silly to think about how old I was when he was at x because we didn't know each other then and it isn't relevant anyways, well except for when I tease him about his crazy tastes in movies and other cultural elements. He'll occasionally show me a movie from his youth, oh what torture. ;)

 

I did sometimes worry about his family's reactions since he is the youngest in the family with siblings 8 years senior just making me feel even younger, but that has never come up.

[Crimson Wife]

Assuming both are full-grown adults, anything more than about 15 years makes me raise my eyebrows a bit. But it's not really my business. Teens I don't think should date anyone more than 3 years older.

[Kathryn]

I do think it matters less the older you get. And I think both should be legal adults. I think huge age gaps (like over 25 or so years) can create unique problems as one spouse ages, but not something that can't be overcome. In the situation in my family that I mentioned on the other thread, some interesting issues are popping up as the man approaches retirement and his first set of children approach their thirties, while his wife is applying for tenure and their children haven't even thought of driving yet. Adding to that is the fact that he didn't really want to be a dad again at his age but did it for her, so he's always been a very hands-off parent and the daughter has some health problems. He now is thinking about traveling and enjoying his retirement while she is focused on her career and her children.

[SKL]

I think it's completely individual.  I think it is rather silly for someone to decide for someone else how old his spouse can be.

 

That said, I always believe that people under 18 should not be sexually active unless they are already married.

[Farrar]

I read somewhere that person A's age divided by 2, then add 7, should be equal to or greater than person B's age. So, 40 is okay with 27, 20 with 17, 30 with 22, etc. I think the idea is that the older you both get, the less a large age gap matters.

 

I saw that in the other thread and I liked it.  Of course, once people are adults, I think it's really up to them, but it definitely matters less as you get older.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

My husband is 17 years older than me.  When we got together, I was 21.  I was an "old" 21, and he was young for his age.  It has worked out well ever since, though we occasionally have an awkward moment (Remember when...?  Oh never mind, you were a toddler...)  It was hard to not feel like "the kid" around his family, but now all of that is gone and it's just a bit of a joke between us all.

 

Having said that, I would NEVER think it's ok for a minor to be dating an older man.  And it would be my personal preference that a young adult past 18 acquire quite a bit of life experience before making such a decision. 

 

But in many ways, I feel like women are ready to "settle down" before men are, and so dating an older man may mean both people are in the same life-stage.

[Catwoman]

I read somewhere that person A's age divided by 2, then add 7, should be equal to or greater than person B's age. So, 40 is okay with 27, 20 with 17, 30 with 22, etc. I think the idea is that the older you both get, the less a large age gap matters.

OK, so there's a single woman sitting at the bar and this guy comes over and sits down next to her. They hit it off right away and he asks her out on a date, and she says, "Well, let's just see," and she whips out her calculator to do the math, just to be sure he's within the prescribed age range.

 

Seems kind of ridiculous to me.

 

I wonder who comes up with this stuff! :D

[Heidi]

.

[Joker]

I don't really care about age differences except when discussing kids still in high school. Both sets of my grandparents, my in-laws, and my own parents had large age differences, but none got together before the youngest was out of high school. My brother is married to his high school sweetheart but they were both the same age. I even have a favorite senior English high school teacher who married someone who was a student his first year teaching. They did not associate outside of school at all until after she graduated, though.

 

I find it icky for a 30-something year old man to want to date a 16 year old. I don't care what the reasons are, it is just icky. I'm most surprised by Paul Walker's ex-girlfriend (the mother of his child). I cannot imagine having an 8 year old child with someone and then they start dating a 16 year old. I would have raised all kinds of noise about that. 

 

[ChiMomNP]

I'm 41 and my DH is 55. My first husband was 32 when I met him. I was almost 19. I still find 16/33 a little creepy, which is weird considering the age difference between DH and I. He would -never- have dated me at 16 or 18 for that matter. He says early 20s would have been a stretch for him. Now when I was in my 30s it felt fine to him.

[J-rap]

It depends on so many things.  I'm not comfortable with a teenager dating someone more than a few years older.  Also, with a large age span, you have to be prepared that if you have children, the much older one might not be able to keep up with everything at some point!  I just learned that a childhood friend of my son's (so he is 25) just got married to a woman in her 40's who has children.  That takes some getting used to.  But, I do personally know some couples of mixed ages (some that are about 20 years apart), and they do seem happy.

[OneStepAtATime]

I think it matters when the couple is very young--as one out of college and one still in high school. Once they're launched adults, it doesn't much matter, UNTIL 70. And then I've seen a BIG difference. The younger (usually the wife) is still an active adult and the older one is ready for retirement. I've seen this happen within our family (pils) and am watching this happen with friends. She's wanting to go and do (she's my age) and he's well, an old man. It didn't matter until about 4 years ago. Now it does.

I agree so much with what you are saying.  My husband and I are only 5 years apart.  When we first started dating, he was still in college and I had an established career (I'm the older).  People talked about cradle robbing and teased us a lot and some thought we shouldn't be dating.  As we both got older, and he was working at the same company as I was, comments just seemed to vanish and no one cared anymore.  5 years isn't that much at all as an adult.  To a much younger person, it can be quite a bit of difference.  When we were younger, it SEEMED like a lot to certain outsiders and if we had been even younger I think it WOULD have definitely been a big age difference (11 to 16 is a pretty big leap, for instance).  Now it isn't anything at all.

 

We have a dear friend who met her husband when she was 20 and he was 35+ years older.  He was still very active, really dynamic, had a lot of the same interests as she did and they traveled together all the time and had a terrific marriage that lasted well over 20 years.  He already had kids from a previous marriage and did not want more and she was very young and agreed she didn't want kids either.  However, as she got older and into her 30's, those feelings changed, only he was now nearing 70 and at this point REALLY didn't want more kids.  She respected his wishes but deeply regretted that she would never have children.  Nevertheless, they continued to have a wonderful marriage....until he got into his mid 70's and his health began to deteriorate.  He passed away from cancer 3 years ago, just as her own parents began to have health issues.  Just a couple of months ago she ran into some serious health issues of her own.  She feels very alone, with no partner to turn to to share the burdens she now faces and no children to keep her looking to the future.  Does she regret that she chose to marry someone so much older than her?  Yes, at times.  She still loves him and misses him, though and does not believe that her time with him was wasted.  She just wishes that there hadn't been such a huge age gap simply because they ended up being at very different places in the end.

[redsquirrel]

If we are talking about consenting legal adults, then I think it is difficult to make any one statement. My left eyebrow goes up if one person is old enough to be the parent of the other...so maybe around 15-20 years difference or so, but to each his own. If they seem to have an equal amount of power in the relationship then no worries.

 

If one partner has children of the age of the other partner or older than their partner, well, then I get squicked. I just do.

[Mergath]

Totally depends on the people involved.  My dh is thirteen years older than me, and it works.  I could never stand guys my own age because they always seemed very immature to me, so it was probably inevitable that I ended up with someone quite a bit older.

[Melissa in Australia]

I think it depends on the individuals. From my personal observations couples with the male older than the female seem to last longer and appear to be happier.

I have never been attracted to similar aged men, they just don't compare to an older man.

 

I have a 13 year difference between Dh and I. I was 18 when we got married. We have been married just under 21 years and have gotten on very well indeed. I find that the older he gets the more attractive he is

 

[kroe1]

It is exponential beginning with the day one jumps out of his parent's wallet.

[Laurie4b]

I don't think it matters when both parties are mature adults. An extreme age difference may be fine for one couple, but not for another.

 

I don't think we can generalize.

 

I tend to agree with this.

 

I would define mature adult, however, as someone in their mid-20s when the brain is finished developing, not someone who is 18 and therefore legally of age to consent.  I think it matters a great deal when the relationship started because of this factor. 20 years difference for a 70 year old who finds true love again with a partner of 50 is different from an 18 year old and a 38 year old (legal, but the 18 year old may not truly be in a place to make a good decision) versus a 15 year old and 35 year old (illegal to have sexual physical contact and I think there are grounds to say that if it's romantic at those ages with those age differences, it's also emotionally predatory. )

 

I don't think it's relevant to say "She was in kindergarten when he was graduating from high school." Of course that's yucky, but they met when both were mature adults.

[Joanne]

Posting from the perspective of both parties being consenting, legal adults.

 

I think that an age difference has more likelihood to be a signficant factor in the young years and then again in the older years.

 

That does not mean I assume problems or an issue, but I do think that acknowledging the likelihood is important.

[kentuckymom]

Obviously this topic elicits a lot of strong feelings. In case it isn't clear, while it seems weird to think that my future sister in law was in kindergarten when my brother was in 12th grade, I don't think it ultimately has, or will, affect their relationship.

 

I agree with the majority of people who say that, as long as the youngest person is an established adult when the relationship begins, it's okay. I think most people would benefit from waiting for marriage until sometime in their 20's, no matter what the age of their marital partner. Yes, there are people who marry young and go on to have long, happy marriages, but it seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

 

What I think could possibly affect my brother and future sister in law's relationship is the fact that he has always declared that he never wants to have kids. She currently feels the same way, but I wonder what will happen if she changes her mind in five years and he still adamantly doesn't want kids. It's their potential problem, though, so I won't waste time worrying about it.

 

I do think that's a likely issue to come up when an older man who has grown kids or never wanted kids marries a younger woman who currently doesn't want kids. Yes, some women never want kids, but, in my experience, women seem to be more likely to change their minds than men.

[Library Momma]

This makes me think of the "we both love soup" scene from Best in Show  I'm not savvy enough to embed the video

[OneStepAtATime]

Obviously this topic elicits a lot of strong feelings. In case it isn't clear, while it seems weird to think that my future sister in law was in kindergarten when my brother was in 12th grade, I don't think it ultimately has, or will, affect their relationship.

 

I agree with the majority of people who say that, as long as the youngest person is an established adult when the relationship begins, it's okay. I think most people would benefit from waiting for marriage until sometime in their 20's, no matter what the age of their marital partner. Yes, there are people who marry young and go on to have long, happy marriages, but it seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

 

What I think could possibly affect my brother and future sister in law's relationship is the fact that he has always declared that he never wants to have kids. She currently feels the same way, but I wonder what will happen if she changes her mind in five years and he still adamantly doesn't want kids. It's their potential problem, though, so I won't waste time worrying about it.

 

I do think that's a likely issue to come up when an older man who has grown kids or never wanted kids marries a younger woman who currently doesn't want kids. Yes, some women never want kids, but, in my experience, women seem to be more likely to change their minds than men.

That is exactly what happened to one of my dear friends, as I mentioned before, and it has been a painful situation for her, one she regrets every day.  But everyone must make their own choices....

 

On the flip side of that, my SIL's FIL remarried a MUCH younger woman (I don't know exact ages here, but his eldest child from the first marriage is nearly 60 so he is at least nearing his 80's.  He agreed to have children with this very young girl (maybe early 20's when they met, probably 30 at this point?) but he has so many health issues now that he cannot lift their daughter, he could not catch her when she ran out into the road recently and she was nearly hit by a car, etc.  The woman has to work full-time to support the family but her husband is not able to properly care for their 3 year old daughter and they do not have the money for daycare so the little girl frequently gets passed from one relative to another during the week when the husband is unable to take care of her.  A lot of this woman's paycheck goes to health care for her husband so they have little savings.  Although it is none of my business and they have the right to choose their own path, it just seems sad and irresponsible to me to have a child with this man, for many reasons.

[FaithManor]

I mostly agree with this. It really depends.

 

I will say that I had friends with much older husbands when we were younger. But, now that I'm over 40 many of them have divorced. They were in the same place when they married (single, never married, childless, etc), but they didn't stay that way. The difference didn't feel as big when they were 25 and 45 as it did when they were 40 and 60. But, I have tons of friends who have divorced and started out with spouses of similar ages. So, who knows what makes something work or not?

Amongst mature adults, I don't think there is any general rule. What I look for

is more in terms of balance and what was the basis for the relationship. If the

foundation is that she 21 and he is 40 and served as a father figure/mentor or was

once in authority over her, that concerns me a lot more than if the two of them

just came to each other through a mutual acquaintance or at a seminar or something.

Same goes for the other gender. 30 gar old female meets 18 year old boy when

he's bussing tables at Applebees or whatever, no issue. Same woman has same boy

as a senior in her AP English class, I'm creeped out if she starts dating him

after graduation...the possibility of exploiting her authority over him in order

to gain affection or loyalty...gack!...that makes me very nervous.

 

My maternal grandmother was 14 years younger than my grandfather. They had a

beautiful relationship.I think the circumstances of how the couple meets and

how the relationship blossomed is the key. Someone being someone else's boss,

mentor, parental figure, etc. is Imo a cause for concern. Call me old fashioned

but the whole Woody Allen marries adopted daughter of ex-wife after serving a few

years as step-dad makes my brain twitch.

 

Faith

[extendedforecast]

It's not so much about the age difference as it is about the age and maturity of the younger person.

[Lady Florida.]

I don't think it matters when both parties are mature adults. An extreme age difference may be fine for one couple, but not for another.

 

I don't think we can generalize.

 

I agree with this. If they are mature adults, the decision is theirs and there's no right or wrong age difference. It depends on the couple.

 

My stepfather was 18 years older than my mother. Even though they were both well into adulthood at the time, both families didn't like the age difference. The marriage didn't last, but age had nothing to do with that.

[SKL]

Yeah, I agree the kid thing can get iffy.  A wise person once told me that people over a certain age are not going to change for you - at least not as much as they would when younger.  When I dated a guy 12 years my senior - a divorcee with noncustodial kids - he was clear that he didn't want more kids (too painful to risk losing them), and I was clear that I did want kids.  We dated off and on for years, but both were honest and eventually, after I adopted kids, he married someone who was past childbearing years.  At least nobody felt betrayed.

 

Funny thing, while I was in the adoption center's office to sign papers (and he knew this), he called me about 20 times, and each time he just said something lame and then hung up.  Whatever.  ;)

[Catwoman]

Yeah, I agree the kid thing can get iffy. A wise person once told me that people over a certain age are not going to change for you - at least not as much as they would when younger. When I dated a guy 12 years my senior - a divorcee with noncustodial kids - he was clear that he didn't want more kids (too painful to risk losing them), and I was clear that I did want kids. We dated off and on for years, but both were honest and eventually, after I adopted kids, he married someone who was past childbearing years. At least nobody felt betrayed.

 

Funny thing, while I was in the adoption center's office to sign papers (and he knew this), he called me about 20 times, and each time he just said something lame and then hung up. Whatever. ;)

Sounds like you were a lot better off with the kids than with the guy! :)

[wintermom]

I'm in support of getting married no earlier than mid 20s, and that age difference in the couple should be a consideration, both for various reasons. Age doesn't have to be the main issue, but to totally brush it off without looking at consequences isn't necessarily the best thing, IMO.

 

Of the two factors, I think getting married too young is worse than a big age gap. We really don't know what shape our bodies and health will be in 30+ years, but we can have a REALLY good idea that a whole lot of maturing happens between ages 18 - 25.

[Onceuponatime]

I read somewhere that person A's age divided by 2, then add 7, should be equal to or greater than person B's age. So, 40 is okay with 27, 20 with 17, 30 with 22, etc. I think the idea is that the older you both get, the less a large age gap matters.

 

Dh and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 23. That breaks that rule. We were married a year later, not out of necessity. We've been married 32 years in March. Except for comments about "robbing the cradle" I don't think there have been any major problems with our age difference. However, I must say that dh was still very young at heart and I was kind of an "old soul." There were ways in which I felt older than him.

[catz]

Yeah, I agree the kid thing can get iffy.  A wise person once told me that people over a certain age are not going to change for you - at least not as much as they would when younger.  When I dated a guy 12 years my senior - a divorcee with noncustodial kids - he was clear that he didn't want more kids (too painful to risk losing them), and I was clear that I did want kids.  We dated off and on for years, but both were honest and eventually, after I adopted kids, he married someone who was past childbearing years.  At least nobody felt betrayed.

Hmmm ... well a wise person once told me is to never go into a relationship and especially a marriage thinking you have the ability to change someone. That advice served me very well. People may evolve and change and sometimes they do, but they don't change unless they really want to.

 

My husband is 8 years my senior and did go through a divorce (no kids involved thankfully). However, we were both adults that were full time professionally employed and we each had our own houses when we met. I don't think 10 years sooner, it would have been appropriate. But the timing worked out great for us.

 

It really depends on the couple. Kids are legally adults at 18, but many 18 year olds still have some work to do to be completely financially and emotionally an adult.

[Dory]

I think once you are talking fully mature (mentally) adults, age difference really only depends on the individuals. The only time it's a bad idea is when one of the people is still not fully mature. In other words, if it's 24 and 44 like my great grandparents, so long as they are aware of the downs sides and are happy, go for it. If it's 17 and 37, not so much. The 17yo might be legal in a lot of places, but isn't at the mental maturity level that the other person is and it would be an unequal relationship.

My best friends mom has also found it really hard to have to take care of an older man when she is still young enough to want to get out, go places and do things. There was 14 years between them. She says she loved him and they had a good marriage, but she wouldn't recommend it for everyone. My great grandma said much the same thing. I also have found the age gap to be difficult in my relationship, but only because of the age that I went into at. Had I been more mature heading into it, it would've been much different.

 

 

[SnMomof7]

Once you're an adult, it's fine. DH is 13.5 years older than I. Yup. Married when I was 22 after 3 months of dating. It's been 12 years this fall.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

As long as both parties are of legal age I don't think it matters. My friend married a man 25 years older, it works for them.