Talking to tutoring student's mom on Monday - wish me luck :(

[Seasider]

another way to deal with it is to give her a policy and rate increase letter in an envelope at pick up.

this is what our music teacher did recently. for her, she often doesn't see the parents every week, as we drop off and pick up.

she did briefly say that she hasn't raised rates in several years and needs to, and she did institute a cancellation and sick child policy.

but she DIDN'T explain or apologise in the letter. it was a very cheerful, very business like "here's our new policy and rates".

 

good luck!

ann

My mother is an in-demand, skilled artisan. When she gets a client that she realizes she does not want to do anymore jobs for, she pitches them a new, much higher rate.

 

Love the written letter idea. That way she cannot imply a miscommunication.

[AimeeM]

J------,

 

Effective November 15, 2013, I will no longer be able to provide tutoring services and child care for A---. I will be happy to provide her next tutor with records of her work and a written assessment of her strengths and weaknesses.

 

I will not be available to discuss this further.

 

Best wishes,

Aimee M-------

 

 

Do I need to do this face-to-face, giving her the ability to argue it, or can I just hand her a letter in a sealed envelope? Is this too cold and brief?

 

I really just can't any more. I have no time for my family - between prepping and the actual days, I'm not able to get housework done until the evening, I see my husband maybe an hour a night (and not because of his work schedule - just because I'm too busy), I don't have time to read to my son...

 

I'm just not good at this "hey, I quit!" thing. I would love to be as amazing as some of you ladies! You know what you want and need and go after it!

I wanted it to work. I made a committment, and now I feel badly about it.

 

 

 

 

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

so that means you want to quit, yes?

 

then i'd vote for not prolonging the agony.  there is something to be said for stopping clearly, rather than raising prices and hoping someone quits.

 

just write a new letter:

 

dear difficult mother,

this letter is to inform you that i will no longer be offering tutoring or babysitting services as of Nov. 1st.

while it has been a difficult decision, it has become clear that life needs to move in a new direction.

i have enjoyed working with little suzy, and wish her well.

 

sincerely,

me

 

and it means what it says.  it isn't quitting.  it isn't giving up.  it is choosing what is most life-giving, for you and your family.  it is choosing peace over conflict, joy over stress, and sleep over anxiety.

 

eta:  and do not explain or justify.  she will try to get you to negotiate.  don't.  rinse, repeat, "it has become clear that our lives need to move in a new direction". 

[Dandelion]

:grouphug: Aimee  :grouphug:

 

I'm glad you've decided to end this arrangement.

 

Your letter is great.  The only thing I would change is the effective date.  

 

Make the effective date 10/25.  If you give her the letter today, that's almost 2 weeks notice, which is plenty.  My inclination would be to make it effective this Friday, 10/18, but that might feel too drastic for you. ;)  Don't drag this on for another month. Everyone will be miserable.

[AimeeM]

:grouphug: Aimee  :grouphug:

 

I'm glad you've decided to end this arrangement.

 

Your letter is great.  The only thing I would change is the effective date.  

 

Make the effective date 10/25.  If you give her the letter today, that's almost 2 weeks notice, which is plenty.  My inclination would be to make it effective this Friday, 10/18, but that might feel too drastic for you. ;)  Don't drag this on for another month. Everyone will be miserable.

 

My only concern with bumping up the effective date is that she is paying me today for the next month (through November 15th), so if I hand her the letter today, when she gives me the check, she is entitled to that much.

I will HAVE to do it face to face otherwise - she'll need a reason why her check needs to be less - and I don't really want to give her that opportunity to argue it.

 

[mom2myboys]

She is not entitled to anything. You don't owe her anything. You can change the date to whatever is comfortable for you. You can always write a rebate check for the difference, assuming she pays you today.

 

ETA: I feel for you, really I do. I have been following along with this situation b/c I was very much like you. It was difficult for me to say no, to stand up for my family's needs, to not feel responsible for other people, etc. It has been difficult, but I am doing better with it. You can do this. You need to do this. I am on your side. You do not owe her anything. She does not need any explanation. "This is not working out for me and my family." Rinse. Repeat. If you want to be done earlier than the 15th, put it in the letter. Give a rebate tomorrow for the difference if needed. You can do this. ((hugs))

[AimeeM]

She is not entitled to anything. You don't owe her anything. You can change the date to whatever is comfortable for you. You can always write a rebate check for the difference, assuming she pays you today.

 

She actually still owes me money from the first week, so I could always write a counter check for $25. Good point.

[mom2myboys]

She actually still owes me $75 from the first week, so I could always write a counter check for $25. Good point.

Exactly. You are taking your power back today. You will feel so much better when this is over. ---

[elfgivas]

hi aimee,

 

you and i were typing at the same time.  i like your letter very much :).

the "i will not be available to discuss this further" is honest, but might seem confrontational rather than informational.  (and likely won't stop her from trying anyway.)

 

good luck! 

ann

 

ps.  you said you'd made a commitment and feel badly.  you are giving her the opportunity to work with someone who is a better fit for her, and for what she wants for her daughter.  that's not a bad thing.   you are reclaiming your home and sanity, also not a bad thing ;)

 

[mytwomonkeys]

I will be praying for you, Aimee! I know this is beyond your comfort level. I pray you will be strong & that your husband will still be with you for emotional support. When I'm going through really yucky situations like this, I just tell myself none of it will matter in a year. It makes me feel better :). You are doing the right thing for you and your family. This woman is not being fair or kind. You are creating a boundary that is necessary. Be strong, no matter what curve balls she throws your way!!

 

And I so agree with the pp, do not stay with this through November 15th. Good gravy! That is a month from now!! Way too long!!

[Catwoman]

I think you're doing the right thing by quitting, Aimee, but if she already owes you for one week, refuse her check completely and say your last day will be this Friday. That way, you don't have to deal with another month of awkwardness -- nor do you have to listen to the mom complaining that she can't find anyone else and asking you to watch her dd "for just a little while longer."

 

The sooner you make a clean break, the better and easier it will be for you .

 

And STOP thinking of yourself as a quitter!!! You are making a decision for the benefit of your family. You are caking a decision not to be taken advantage of any longer. That's not being a quitter; that's being sensible.

[East Coast Sue]

I am proud of you!  You can do it!

 

(I can see myself in this type of situation and it would be hard for me too.)

[FaithManor]

I agree completely with Cat. Take her check if she offers it and then face to face tell her Friday is the last day and let her know you'll mail a rebate check for the difference AFTER her check clears. Don't make the mistake of giving her the money now unless she pays cash because the check could be bad. This woman does not have what one could describe as a track record of uprightness!

 

You can do it, Rah, Rah, Rah, your cheerleading squad is here.

[mathmarm]

Great job AimeeM! I'm so glad that you're quitting also! Hand her the letter, take her check and cash it! Send her a rebate for any differences that she is rightfully due! Don't give her a chance to drag this out any further by fiddling over the numbers on the check. (I get the feeling that you've been underpaid so even if you didn't issue a rebate check she'd owe you!!!)

 

You can do this, I am rooting for you! My mom was a tutor after school and during school breaks for the vast majority of my life. I gather from your posts that you are a fairly gentle and committed person. I can tell that it isn't easy on you, so I'm doubly proud of you!!!

 

You don't need her money, you need your peace and time with your family.

 

"Do what must be done, do not hesitate. Show no mercy!"

-- Darth Sidious, But good advice even if you aren't joining the dark side.

[Eagle]

You can do this! Be strong! We all believe in you.

 

I personally would not put the line about not discussing it further. When she asks why, I would say that you haven't been able to have as much family time as you need. If she pushes further, keep repeating it and add that your family is your main priority. Who can argue with that? Don't discuss the money not being enough or the food issue. Keep it all about your time with your own family.

 

Good luck! We're cheering for you.

[KungFuPanda]

Since she owes a week's worth of money, I would collect the check, cash it, let it clear, and THEN give her an end date based upon what she's paid for. That should be three weeks, not four.

 

For less effort and more money, you could be babysitting a 4-year-old with a punctual, professional mother who values your work. The things you plan for your own four-year-old would work for this age group. Too many people need quality child care for you to bother with flakes.

[Catwoman]

I'm sure the mom will be there soon, Aimee, so please know that we're all in your corner and sending you hugs and strength!

[*Lulu*]

I'm sure the mom will be there soon, Aimee, so please know that we're all in your corner and sending you hugs and strength!

Yes, and afterwards there will be commiseration and cupcakes. (And for those of us who need something stronger, cupcake vodka!)

 

Be strong; you can do this!

[Catwoman]

Yes, and afterwards there will be commiseration and cupcakes. (And for those of us who need something stronger, cupcake vodka!)

 

Be strong; you can do this!

I like this plan.

 

Aimee does all the dirty work, but the rest of us still get cupcakes. :thumbup:

[extendedforecast]

She is not entitled to anything. You don't owe her anything. You can change the date to whatever is comfortable for you. You can always write a rebate check for the difference, assuming she pays you today.

 

ETA: I feel for you, really I do. I have been following along with this situation b/c I was very much like you. It was difficult for me to say no, to stand up for my family's needs, to not feel responsible for other people, etc. It has been difficult, but I am doing better with it. You can do this. You need to do this. I am on your side. You do not owe her anything. She does not need any explanation. "This is not working out for me and my family." Rinse. Repeat. If you want to be done earlier than the 15th, put it in the letter. Give a rebate tomorrow for the difference if needed. You can do this. ((hugs))

I agree, except that I'd let the check clear the bank before I wrote a refund check.

[AimeeM]

I did it. Gave her the letter ending the agreement. I *did* give her the full month (nobody hit me!)... because, well, that's just a little insert of me.

 

I'll be out the week she owes me, because I doubt she'll pay me again, regardless of what she owes, but that's okay.

 

I almost didn't go through with it. Blessedly, my husband was here and told me that if I didn't do it, he would, and he's considerably... less gentle about it. When he reminded me that he deserves a wife, our children a mother, and our younger two a teacher who isn't stressed out, I was able to do it.

 

I did NOT put the part about not discussing it, as per the advice given here. If she asks, I'll do my best to just say I needed more time with my family, but if I"m honest with myself (and you lovely people), my mouth may get the better of me (as it so often does) and I may just tell her all the reasons why... so a prayer for a shut mouth would help considerably.

 

But, it's done. Overall, I feel better, although I'm dreading tomorrow (she'll say something to my student, I know), but it's over. No more stressing about how she'll react about the holidays and me leaving town, no more arguing about bringing a child exposed to illness over, no more telling the child not to hoard my son's toys or yell at my son. I can go back to co-op without worrying about student's behaviour (I have been skipping co-op).

 

Now where's my stinkin' cupcake (and alcohol)?!

[Tammi K]

:hurray:  Good for you! Standing up for yourself is HARD work! You did it!

[Catwoman]

Good for you, Aimee!!!!!!!!

 

:party:

[Chris in VA]

You score major "adult points" for handling it in a mature way that fit with your values.

 

Hugs because I know that's stressful. 

 

 

[*Lulu*]

Great Job!!!

 

*Lu slides the bottle to Aimee*

[Word Nerd]

Way to go!

[Lara in Colo]

Don't you just feel great? 

 

 

[Eagle]

*sending you a cupcake with extra frosting*

 

Good for you! When she pushes for reasons, stick with it being about you and your family. Anything else will just make it worse for you. You'll be so happy to be out of this situation.

[mom2myboys]

Hooray! I am so happy for you. It feels good to stand up for yourself, doesn't it? It is nice to help others out, but it should never be at the expense of your own family. Also, there is a difference between helping others and having others take advantage of you. You are a kind and generous person who does not deserve to be manipulated and exploited. Good for you for setting healthy boundaries!!! Now, do something nice for yourself as a reward. :) And do something nice for your DH too for encouraging and supporting you through this situation. :)

[Alessandra]

I haven't posted, but have followed the thread.... GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!

 

[Tap]

:cheers2:

 

Way to go!

 

I haven't responded much to this thread but have been following your post.  I am glad you gave her a month notice.  I am working parent and have had people quit babysitting on short notice before.  Babysitting is hard work and is time consuming.  Many people don't realize the true impact of having another child in your home every day without the ability to send them home.  I understand that people sometimes need to quit due to unforeseeable circumstances, but it doesn't change the situation for the parent trying to find care. It is extremely hard to find a new caregiver when you are at work during the week and off on weekends.  Finding people willing to do the work, arranging interviews, making a job offer and having someone to accept and start, is Very hard to do in 2 weeks. 2 weeks may be standard in the corporate world where there are people to handle the hiring process for the company, but for a parent finding babysitting, it is very hard.  Giving her the extra 2 weeks will make it much more likely that she will find appropriate care, and not just the first thing that comes along.

 

 

 

 

[Twigs]

Well done! 

[Truscifi]

Good job!

[Hen]

good for you Amie!

 

now don't spend days beating yourself up about not sticking with your commitment, you did *not* sign up for what you got, you did not agree to tutor a child who's mom consistently showed up late to pick her up, didn't pay you, took advantage of your low rate and kindness, hassled you about holidays off?!  dropped of a sick child even though she knew you had a medically fragile child at home, didn't purchase school materials for child and made more work for you...I'm sure there is a lot more.  Don't spend time feeling guilty, she behaved badly, acted shady, manipulated you... don't feel bad for refusing to be treated badly.

[JBJones]

You said:

"I'm averaging $1/hr."

"I'm running on fumes."

"I'm working past my normal hours."

 

Those are just a few of the issues you've outlined in this thread and the previous thread on this topic.  Even if you write up your policies, and this woman agrees to pay your new rates, I doubt things are going to change substantially.  Many of the frustrations (how she treats you, her lack of communication with you, the haggling over educational materials for her DD, etc.) are still going to be there.  And once she's paying you more, she may feel entitled to more of your time and energy - which could lead to a whole new slate of issues.

 

This woman has done nothing but take advantage of you, and I don't see any indication (based on what you've described) that she will change.  Do yourself, and your family, a favor and walk away from this. 

Look at what You said, and then run screaming in the opposite direction.

[Melissa in Australia]

:hurray:

 

:cheers2:

[Just Another Jen]

Way to go! My new mantra is- do hard things.

You did it!

[skeeterbug]

:hurray:

[AimeeM]

Congratulations! How did she react? 

 

No clue. She hasn't said anything yet. She's coming to pick up A early, though, around 11 today. *sigh* T isn't home; he went into the office.

[Wildcat]

I haven't posted, but have followed the thread.... GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!

 

Same here.

 

OP, way to go!!! :party: You did great!

[Wildcat]

No clue. She hasn't said anything yet. She's coming to pick up A early, though, around 11 today. *sigh* T isn't home; he went into the office.

 

That's OK. Even if your mouth refuses to stop talking (I'm the same way!), as a previous poster said, just keep it about you and your family and you will be fine.  You have the power of the Hive behind you! :grouphug:

[mom2myboys]

No clue. She hasn't said anything yet. She's coming to pick up A early, though, around 11 today. *sigh* T isn't home; he went into the office.

Stay strong! You can do it! No apologizes or justifying your decision. Keep it about time with your family.

 

Did she pay you yesterday afternoon?

[AimeeM]

She did pay me for the next month. I didn't give her the letter until she came for pick up.

 

... and she just texted me. I don't want to read it. Somebody tell me I have to... lol.

[*Lulu*]

She did pay me for the next month. I didn't give her the letter until she came for pick up.

 

... and she just texted me. I don't want to read it. Somebody tell me I have to... lol.

Ummm, you do kinda have to.

 

Sorry.

[AimeeM]

Ummm, you do kinda have to.

 

Sorry.

 

I know. I was just being silly. It just said that A won't be here Friday, lol.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know. I was just being silly. It just said that A won't be here Friday, lol.

Good!  She may be planning her next victim - um, I mean childcare option.  

[Catwoman]

No clue. She hasn't said anything yet. She's coming to pick up A early, though, around 11 today. *sigh* T isn't home; he went into the office.

If you want to avoid a long discussion without having your dh there, have the girl ready to go at 11, and when the mom shows up, tell her that since you don't usually have free time during the day, you're taking the rare opportunity to meet your dh for lunch, but his time is limited so you have to hurry right over there. Or you made a last minute appointment with the eye doctor for your annual checkup... or whatever.

 

She may be intentionally doing this so she can burden you with a big story without your dh around to back you up. Don't give her that opportunity.

[AimeeM]

This leads me to my next question:

If she has her new child care/tutor contact me regarding A, what information do I give? Just academics and decline to comment on everything else? Or should I be honest about the other issues?

[mom2bee]

This leads me to my next question:

If she has her new child care/tutor contact me regarding A, what information do I give? Just academics and decline to comment on everything else? Or should I be honest about the other issues?

 

I would prepare a letter detailing the girls academic and basic emotional status. Your role is to provide standard info and observances about the girl and her aptitudes something along the lines of

 

"CHILD is good at XYZ, but struggles with ABC, I feel that CHILD has great potential in ABC but her emotions and confidence have held her back, CHILD responds to gentle praise and firm encouragement." to be included with a list of curriculum and noteworthy test scores/results and progress information.

 

 

Sounds like you've done a great job with this whole mess so far.

[Catwoman]

This leads me to my next question:

If she has her new child care/tutor contact me regarding A, what information do I give? Just academics and decline to comment on everything else? Or should I be honest about the other issues?

You are overthinking this. You quit the job. You're done.

 

It's the mom's responsibility to get the new person up-to-speed.

 

This isn't exactly rocket science. The girl is only a little kid. A new tutor isn't going to have a hard time figuring out where she is academically. And the personal stuff should not be discussed.