When you see a new neighbor moving in, do you go and help?

[Aspasia]

So did YOU yourself actually help unload the truck?  Because it doesn't sound like it from what you said.  What you did was complain that other people didn't move your stuff, saw that someone else needed help but decided it was too hard for you, and then tried to get other people to help instead so you wouldn't feel guilty.

 

I helped for THREE HOURS yesterday morning, then I had to make lunch for my kids and run some errands (don't worry, these neighbors are right next to us and I knew where my kids were and what they were doing at all times). I started asking for help last night at about 5 p.m. And my dh went over and helped for four hours today, until it was finished.

 

And I never complained that people didn't move my stuff. READ MY FIRST POST! People keep thinking I complained that nobody helped. I didn't.

[Dory]

So, basically, you find it "sad" that other people have different personalities, different preferences, and different concepts of "neighborliness"? Because your preferences are the "normal" ones?  :confused1:

 

 

To everyone who thinks that NOT offering to help complete strangers unload a moving van is a sign of laziness, fear, or basic unfriendliness, I'd like to know:

 

* If the guy who bought a house down the street from you was painting his house the day after moving in, would you offer to help him paint his house?

* If the couple who bought the house next door were out digging trenches to install a sprinkler system before moving in, would you show up with a shovel and offer to help dig trenches?

* If the new owners of the house were remodeling the kitchen before moving in, would you be over there helping install the cabinets?

 

So what's the difference? If people want to do a DIY move to save money, that's great, but I don't understand the idea that total strangers are obligated, by some unspoken rule about "good neighborliness," to provide free labor, when the same would not be true of any other DIY job.

 

Jackie

 

There is always some way to help. Sometimes it might just be bringing over a drink while everyone is working, or a meal for after, or some baking for the coffee break. I have never met people that weren't willing to help in some way.

 

In this area, if someone was painting their house and you saw and were able to help, most people here would help.

If they were digging a trench, not only would they have lots of help, they might end up with a backhoe in there for free.

Yes if they were installing cupboards, they would get help.

If they were picking roots in the field and I noticed and had 30 min to spare I would help.

It's that mentality that has helped so many people with the flooding in southern Alberta. When someone needs a hand, we just give one. We don't need to know them, we just do it.

I hate crowds, I prefer solitude, but I know how it feels to get help when you need it and I would never hesitate to give that to another human being.

 

[swellmomma]

I have never had someone like a new neighbor swing by to help, heck most don't even offer a hello as you are moving in, I also have not helped a new neighbor move in.  That's what family and friends are for, you line them up to help on moving day ahead of time.  But yeah mostly you just get it done yourself.  I would actually likely refuse help from a new neighbor just suddenly showing up to help and wonder if they were casing the joint to see what I owned.

[Dory]

I'm wondering if the difference in mentality up here is because we are only a couple generations away from the settlers. If they didn't help each other, they didn't survive.

 

When our neighbor lost her dh to a heart attack after only being married for a year, there were people coming from everywhere that she had never met to help her get the crops off and make sure she was set up for the winter. When she decided she didn't want to sell the farm she had people helping her learn how to handle it for a couple years. When the people across the road from us got married (We don't visit with them), we took their dogs for free so that they wouldn't be barking and running around at the reception.

[swellmomma]

There is always some way to help. Sometimes it might just be bringing over a drink while everyone is working, or a meal for after, or some baking for the coffee break. I have never met people that weren't willing to help in some way.

 

In this area, if someone was painting their house and you saw and were able to help, most people here would help.

If they were digging a trench, not only would they have lots of help, they might end up with a backhoe in there for free.

Yes if they were installing cupboards, they would get help.

If they were picking roots in the field and I noticed and had 30 min to spare I would help.

It's that mentality that has helped so many people with the flooding in southern Alberta. When someone needs a hand, we just give one. We don't need to know them, we just do it.

I hate crowds, I prefer solitude, but I know how it feels to get help when you need it and I would never hesitate to give that to another human being.

 

See and I have never experienced that sort of thing in Alberta.  In an emergency you bet your socks everyone and their dog lends a hand, when it is a big emergency (parent with cancer, house fire, car accident etc), or an entire town under water.  But the rest I have never experienced. Heck my neighbors had a bobcat in their yard to dig it out and even it up for new grass, when their work was done they sat on their deck and laughed and tossed comments over at me digging my entire garden(which takes up 3/4 of my yard) by hand, by myself with nothing but a shovel to help me.  They could have helped me out and had it done in less than 10 minutes.  Heck I don't even have a fence preventing it.  They then loaded it on the back of the trailer and drove away waving at me while I kept on digging. 

 

When I was supposed to be on bedrest with my last 2 kids I was still out doing all teh yard work etc.  I even asked a neighbor if I paid them if they could do my mowing because of the bedrest and was told no.  So I would be out there mowing my lawn each week(we were in city owned housing so it had to be done or get evicted), despite the fact I was supposed to be on bedrest.

 

But when ds was hurt in a car accident there was lots of help being offered with things so I could focus on him for the first 2 weeks post accident.

 

I have found that no matter where I have lived in this province from up in the mountains, to the city, to this tiny rural town in the east what you are listing is not the norm unless your family has been in the area for several generations (especially in this town, the city wasn't quite that bad)

 

[Dory]

See and I have never experienced that sort of thing in Alberta.  In an emergency you bet your socks everyone and their dog lends a hand, when it is a big emergency (parent with cancer, house fire, car accident etc), or an entire town under water.  But the rest I have never experienced. Heck my neighbors had a bobcat in their yard to dig it out and even it up for new grass, when their work was done they sat on their deck and laughed and tossed comments over at me digging my entire garden(which takes up 3/4 of my yard) by hand, by myself with nothing but a shovel to help me.  They could have helped me out and had it done in less than 10 minutes.  Heck I don't even have a fence preventing it.  They then loaded it on the back of the trailer and drove away waving at me while I kept on digging. 

 

When I was supposed to be on bedrest with my last 2 kids I was still out doing all teh yard work etc.  I even asked a neighbor if I paid them if they could do my mowing because of the bedrest and was told no.  So I would be out there mowing my lawn each week(we were in city owned housing so it had to be done or get evicted), despite the fact I was supposed to be on bedrest.

 

But when ds was hurt in a car accident there was lots of help being offered with things so I could focus on him for the first 2 weeks post accident.

 

I have found that no matter where I have lived in this province from up in the mountains, to the city, to this tiny rural town in the east what you are listing is not the norm unless your family has been in the area for several generations (especially in this town, the city wasn't quite that bad)

 

 

I'm sorry that's been the case for you. Perhaps the mindset is more localized to this community than I thought. Most the people I mentioned that have been helped in my post were not people who had lived here for long. One immigrated here from Germany, one came here because of oilfield jobs a few years ago, and the others I never got to know well enough to know their story. My dh comes from one of the very established families though.

 

[Aspasia]

Here's the thing. One of my neighbors actually came over after I got home from running my errands, to help me unload the large items I had purchased. He and his wife saw me pull up, saw that I had big things in my van, and he came over to help. I thought it was super nice! It started pouring rain quite suddenly, so I said I would probably just wait a little while. The rain stopped after about ten minutes, so I went out and hauled in all my stuff (which was indeed large and heavy). I did it by myself, but that's when I got the idea to ask this neighbor to help the new neighbors. I figured he was willing and able to move some heavy stuff for me, why not for these other people? But he said they were just getting ready to leave (which they didn't).

[KungFuPanda]

Asking people if they are available to help is not "pressuring" them. Honestly.

 

If I offer help, I'm rude, intrusive, and creepy. If I ask for help, I'm pressuring. Why are people so sensitive?!?

I think it was VERY sweet of you to offer. I don't think that's odd at all. The people could have politely declined and I'm sure (hope?) you would have taken them at their word and excused yourself without pressing. I've done my share of moving military buddies in my late teens and early twenties, so I absolutely get that part.

 

The odd part is your going door-to-door in the neighborhood and soliciting service. It implies that you know better than them how they 'should' be spending their day off work. You found their excuses 'lame' and YOU were sensitive that your attempts to micromanage their behavior was thwarted.

 

What you see as sad and isolated, others see as a respect for privacy. I'd MUCH rather meet new neighbors when I'm relaxed and presentable than when I'm very busy. Also, injury liability is nothing to dismiss as a trivial excuse. Your new neighbors might be very upset if your health insurance sued their homeowners insurance. You might not have a choice in the matter.

[Aspasia]

See and I have never experienced that sort of thing in Alberta.  In an emergency you bet your socks everyone and their dog lends a hand, when it is a big emergency (parent with cancer, house fire, car accident etc), or an entire town under water.  But the rest I have never experienced. Heck my neighbors had a bobcat in their yard to dig it out and even it up for new grass, when their work was done they sat on their deck and laughed and tossed comments over at me digging my entire garden(which takes up 3/4 of my yard) by hand, by myself with nothing but a shovel to help me.  They could have helped me out and had it done in less than 10 minutes.  Heck I don't even have a fence preventing it.  They then loaded it on the back of the trailer and drove away waving at me while I kept on digging. 

 

When I was supposed to be on bedrest with my last 2 kids I was still out doing all teh yard work etc.  I even asked a neighbor if I paid them if they could do my mowing because of the bedrest and was told no.  So I would be out there mowing my lawn each week(we were in city owned housing so it had to be done or get evicted), despite the fact I was supposed to be on bedrest.

 

But when ds was hurt in a car accident there was lots of help being offered with things so I could focus on him for the first 2 weeks post accident.

 

I have found that no matter where I have lived in this province from up in the mountains, to the city, to this tiny rural town in the east what you are listing is not the norm unless your family has been in the area for several generations (especially in this town, the city wasn't quite that bad)

 

 

These things are outrageous to me. I'm so sorry that your neighbors are so unhelpful. How on earth???

[Aspasia]

The odd part is your going door-to-door in the neighborhood and soliciting service. It implies that you know better than them how they 'should' be spending their day off work. You found their excuses 'lame' and YOU were sensitive that your attempts to micromanage their behavior was thwarted.

 

 

I didn't go door-to-door. I asked a couple neighbors who I thought would be available and willing, people I have gotten to know a little bit.

 

I totally disagree that it implies that I know better than them how they should be spending their time. I assumed they didn't realize how long these people had been working (they're right next to me, so it was hard to miss, but the others live down the street). I simply informed them and asked if they would be able to come help. That's hardly micromanaging. So, unless a kid running around to his friends' houses to invite them to come play a pick-up game of basketball (informing them of something they weren't aware of but might be interested in) means that he thinks he knows better than them how to spend their time, I just don't think this is a fair assessment of my efforts.

[PinkInTheBlue]

No, I've never helped anyone and never had new neighbors show up to help.

 

I wish it wasn't that way though. Since I don't know which American might be the sue-happy type, I can't risk it. :( Too bad because it's a very lovely idea. :)

[Berta]

Well, I posted this same question on Facebook and all of my friends are just like me, so I guess that explains it. I hope none of you ever move in near my friends, because it looks like they may offend you and creep you out. :lol:

 

How come none of those friends came to help you out?

 

I would definitely find it creepy if someone we didn't know started unloading my moving truck. I have introduced myself to a new neighbor, but never touched their stuff.

[MyThreeSons]

Good for you for helping! Especially when I saw how young your children are. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have even thought to go ask others to help, though.

 

My first thought was "I would hope that my son(s) would notice the need and be over there right away."

 

When we moved in here, 15 years ago, we had a bunch of dh's family to help us unload the truck. The across-the-street neighbor came to introduce himself pretty early on.

 

No one has moved in to a house within our sight since then, so we haven't been presented with the situation.

[marbel]

The odd part is your going door-to-door in the neighborhood and soliciting service. It implies that you know better than them how they 'should' be spending their day off work. You found their excuses 'lame' and YOU were sensitive that your attempts to micromanage their behavior was thwarted.

 

 

I was thinking about this thread earlier and agree with the above. 

 

It's rare that I have an hour of free time, with no chores or other work needing to be done.   Even more so for my husband who has almost zero down time, even very little time to spend with our kids.

 

OP, you had said you spent 3 hours helping the new neighbors.  That is nice of you; I'm not criticizing you for doing that.   I'd like to have the kind of life where 3 hours out of my day wouldn't set me back in my own work.  Heck, even one hour out of my day!

 

And I might just be afraid that if I offer to help (general help, not specific such as "need help with that piano?") I would get sucked into staying and helping way beyond the time I had to spare.  I've certainly had many experiences when I've planned to help someone move or do some other chore and everything took longer than expected, and I was stuck.  Of course it would be up to me to say "hey, welcome to the neighborhood, I'm free for the next half hour, need some help?" and then leave without regrets after that time was up.   But it isn't always easy to work it out that way.    

 

Is that selfish of me? Maybe. 

 

If there was an emergency it would be different.  On the rare occasion we get a big snow here, the blowers and shovels come out and the men/boys of the neighborhood work together to get the widows dug out.  I make hot cocoa and coffee for all.

[Zebra]

I didn't go door-to-door. I asked a couple neighbors who I thought would be available and willing, people I have gotten to know a little bit.

 

I totally disagree that it implies that I know better than them how they should be spending their time. I assumed they didn't realize how long these people had been working (they're right next to me, so it was hard to miss, but the others live down the street). I simply informed them and asked if they would be able to come help. That's hardly micromanaging. So, unless a kid running around to his friends' houses to invite them to come play a pick-up game of basketball (informing them of something they weren't aware of but might be interested in) means that he thinks he knows better than them how to spend their time, I just don't think this is a fair assessment of my efforts.

Maybe I missed this, but did your new neighbors ask you to round up the neighbors to help them move?  

[MrsJewelsRae]

We live in the country and don't have neighbors within a km each way, and both of them have lived there for many years. When we lived in town my older kids were babies and I also ran a daycare so I wasn't able to help anyone move, my dh works all day. I usually welcomed neighbors with cookies or muffins or a bundt cake, sometimes a meal for their freezer. :) IME I've never seen anyone move without any help. Every time we've moved over the years we've always had more help than we knew what to do with. It could be a church thing too, anyone moves in our church and there are a ton of people there, men who have either taken a day off, work shift, women there cleaning and organizing, sometimes a few folks have to go because there's too much help and it's crowded. :) When we moved into our farmhouse we had 6 weeks of renovations and decorating to do before moving in, I think we had help nearly every day of that work, stay home moms with kids in school, older women, dh's brother and friends, etc. We never asked for help, but it was always there, and if they didn't come and paint, they sent food, it was wonderful and we couldn't have done it without them. We help a lot of people move because my dh owns 3 pickup trucks as well as trailers (we own a landscaping company) and he's self employed, so we lend out or help out if we know there's a need. I think it's sad that people stand around and offer no help, but I've always seen people usually bring their help along, and if I noticed differently I'd do what I could to help.

[Renthead Mommy]

I haven't read through all the responses, but I'm a little shocked by those that I have read. Are people really so scared of strangers, or of being sued that they can no longer help another person out? That's so sad. In our area, if you see someone moving, you help out. If you hear of someone moving you offer the use of your trailer and come help out. If we can't come help out then we take a meal or baking so that they can spend their first few days unpacking and not have to worry about feeding themselves or their family. Because of that mindset of helping others whenever you can, I know that if something were to happen when my dh was gone, I could call any of my neighbors and even the ones that I don't get along with very well, would be more than willing to help me out. They know that it's not about me liking them, or them liking me, but about helping another person out when they need it, because someday they will need someone to be there for them too.

 

 

But you are talking about the people you currently live with.  People you CURRENTLY know.  

 

Would you really do all that for a perfect stranger?   Just pull up to a house and say "HI!  I"m here to help!" 

 

I think there is a huge difference between helping neighbors that you already know, and perfect strangers. 

 

And if you already know them, that would mean they were already your neighbors so they are now moving out of the neighborhood.  The OP was talking about strangers moving INTO a neighborhood. 

 

It's one thing to go help your neighbors/friends.  But if they are just moving in, you don't know them yet. 

 

And I think all that is again different from the pp who were talking about helping church people.  That falls under the category of 'people you know'.  They are going through the church.  They arent' perfect strangers in the sense that they are at least known by someone in the church.

[Dory]

But you are talking about the people you currently live with.  People you CURRENTLY know.  

 

Would you really do all that for a perfect stranger?   Just pull up to a house and say "HI!  I"m here to help!" 

 

I think there is a huge difference between helping neighbors that you already know, and perfect strangers. 

 

And if you already know them, that would mean they were already your neighbors so they are now moving out of the neighborhood.  The OP was talking about strangers moving INTO a neighborhood. 

 

It's one thing to go help your neighbors/friends.  But if they are just moving in, you don't know them yet. 

 

And I think all that is again different from the pp who were talking about helping church people.  That falls under the category of 'people you know'.  They are going through the church.  They arent' perfect strangers in the sense that they are at least known by someone in the church.

 

Yes and I have and would help strangers. Some of the people I listed I had met once or twice before. Some of them that was how I met them. There's been a couple people where a friend of mine has mentioned that someone they know is moving in and will round up some of us to come help. I don't know the people, but I come help anyway.

[AndyJoy]

DH and I have self-moved (both alone and with some pre-arranged help from family and friends) 4 times now.  It would never have occurred to me that random new neighbors would drop in to help unload!  I think I would be a little uncomfortable with that because we would be talking about complete strangers with no known commonality handling all my personal stuff and being in my new home.  What if these people turn out to be those messed up neighbors boardies are on here asking advice about?  Someone who you decide you need to avoid contact with for the safety of your family, but now they've already been in your home so a bit of a precedent has been set?  It just seems a bit weird to me, and I'm a very outgoing, jump-right-in-and-pitch-in kind of gal myself.  If I was explicitly asked to help, I would, but I probably wouldn't offer to a complete stranger unless we are talking about someone who was obviously in true need of help.

 

For two of those moves, we had contacted a church beforehand (Southern Baptist) that we thought we were likely to attend to inquire about services.  We did not ask for any help moving in either case and it did not occur to us to ask, but in both cases the pastor rounded up teens and adults to come help unload.  Both pastors happened to be the fathers of several teens, so they were used to pitching in on such projects as a family.  We accepted graciously and provided pizza and drinks.  This didn't feel strange because we had some common ground and weren't going to be living right next to them, so it didn't feel intrusive or awkward like it would to me with a completely new next door neighbor.  

 

 

[marbel]

Here's the thing. One of my neighbors actually came over after I got home from running my errands, to help me unload the large items I had purchased. He and his wife saw me pull up, saw that I had big things in my van, and he came over to help. I thought it was super nice! It started pouring rain quite suddenly, so I said I would probably just wait a little while. The rain stopped after about ten minutes, so I went out and hauled in all my stuff (which was indeed large and heavy). I did it by myself, but that's when I got the idea to ask this neighbor to help the new neighbors. I figured he was willing and able to move some heavy stuff for me, why not for these other people? But he said they were just getting ready to leave (which they didn't).

 

I guess I'm getting argumentative here.  I don't mean to. 

 

There is a huge difference between offering to bring in some items from the car, and helping strangers move.  5 minutes vs. who knows how long.   A person he knows vs. a person he doesn't know.

 

Maybe they said they were leaving because they felt put on the spot.  Maybe they just wanted to sit down and talk, or whatever, but felt they needed to give a better reason. 

[Berta]

Honestly, I think I would avoid you in the future if you were my neighbor. Insisting that I stop what I'm doing to wait for your DH to help tomorrow? That right there would tick me off. Someone I don't know dictating when and how to move MY stuff wouldn't sit right with me.

 

You referred to neighbors as lazy and lying because they didn't drop what they were doing and help when you put them on the spot. I don't think you have any right to judge what someone does on their days off. Help all you want, but to go around asking for people to give up their time is wrong. If they wanted to help, they would have offered on their own.

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

I'm a little surprised that an offer to help is perceived as intrusive. :confused1:

 

Insistence on helping, sure, or not reading a "no thank you" cue, might be weird and intrusive, but just welcoming them to the neighborhood and asking if they need help seems like a friendly neighborly thing to do.

 

When our newest neighbors moved in, I happened to be walking by while they were moving a heavy couch and they had set it down so they could rest for a second. I asked if they needed help, and they said "We've got it. Thanks, though." I introduced myself as a neighbor, pointed out my house, and said if they needed an extra hand with the heavy stuff we'd be home all afternoon and to come knock on the door. It was perfectly friendly. Nice people with a son the same age as our youngest; the boys play together all the time now, running back and forth between houses. Hopefully they didn't think I was some kind of socially clueless weirdo for offering to help.

 

FWIW, I would probably decline an offer to help, too, unless I needed help with a specific item. But I'd appreciate it and remember the neighbor as friendly and helpful. (ETA: OP, I do think I might be a little taken aback at your level of involvement and find it a bit intrusive. I think your heart was in the right place, though.)

 

Cat

[catz]

We have a super friendly neighborhood. We got all sorts of lovely greetings when we moved in. Someone even threw a block party for us our first summer in the neighborhood. But I can't imagine having people helping or running down the street to empty someone else's truck. That is just not done around here.

[Berta]

I'm a little surprised that an offer to help is perceived as intrusive. :confused1:

 

Insistence on helping, sure, or not reading a "no thank you" cue, might be weird and intrusive, but just welcoming them to the neighborhood and asking if they need help seems like a friendly neighborly thing to do.

 

When our newest neighbors moved in, I happened to be walking by while they were moving a heavy couch and they had set it down so they could rest for a second. I asked if they needed help, and they said "We've got it. Thanks, though." I introduced myself as a neighbor, pointed out my house, and said if they needed an extra hand with the heavy stuff we'd be home all afternoon and to come knock on the door. It was perfectly friendly. Nice people with a son the same age as our youngest; the boys play together all the time now, running back and forth between houses. Hopefully they didn't think I was some kind of socially clueless weirdo for offering to help.

 

FWIW, I would probably decline an offer to help, too, unless I needed help with a specific item. But I'd appreciate it and remember the neighbor as friendly and helpful.

 

Cat

 

I don't think it's the initial offer of help that is perceived as intrusive, it's everything that followed up afterwards that is intrusive.

 

I think what you have described would describe what most people would do. But to go around and try to round up other neighbors (and then thinking they are lazy or lying) and then insist or beg the neighbor to stop what they are doing and wait til the next day to finish up when it's better for you and your DH is intrusive.

[Mom23Boys]

I voted yes and it is pretty common around here. But, then again, we are all up in everybody's business around here.

 

I wouldn't expect new neighbors to help us, but it isn't uncommon for them to offer and we would accept. We would help others too. When we moved into our current house, the only neighbors that helped us were my in-laws. But, most of the other neighbors at least walked over and talked to us. The ones home while we were actually moving are all ~ 80 though, so no help. Plus, we had a ton of friends helping us.

 

We also help out with other things ~ bringing garbage cans up for our elderly neighbors, my kids help them with yard work and other projects.

[Guest submarines]

I wouldn't want strangers help me move!

 

I assumed no one else wanted unsolicited help with moving.

 

If I saw someone struggling, I'd offer my help, though.

[KrissiK]

No, it wouldn't occur to me to help strangers move. And I would feel uncomfortable if neighbors we didn't know offered to help us.

[QueenCat]

I can't remember the last time I saw someone move themselves in around here. People are either military or doing corporate moves, so it's professional movers doing the work. Exception might be a young adult moving out but they have their buddies to help them get their stuff out. I'd bring over some food during the first couple of days, but you wouldn't want my physical help...... I guess the boys might offer to help with something heavy if they saw the need.

[elegantlion]

I'm wondering if the difference in mentality up here is because we are only a couple generations away from the settlers. If they didn't help each other, they didn't survive.

 

 

 

There is a huge difference between the expectation of help when you move in and being neighborly AFTER you're moved in. Everyone around here helps each other, just not to move in. Of course we've been here two and a half years and we're the "new" neighbors. 

[Aspasia]

I was thinking about this thread earlier and agree with the above. 

 

It's rare that I have an hour of free time, with no chores or other work needing to be done.   Even more so for my husband who has almost zero down time, even very little time to spend with our kids.

 

OP, you had said you spent 3 hours helping the new neighbors.  That is nice of you; I'm not criticizing you for doing that.   I'd like to have the kind of life where 3 hours out of my day wouldn't set me back in my own work.  Heck, even one hour out of my day!

 

And I might just be afraid that if I offer to help (general help, not specific such as "need help with that piano?") I would get sucked into staying and helping way beyond the time I had to spare.  I've certainly had many experiences when I've planned to help someone move or do some other chore and everything took longer than expected, and I was stuck.  Of course it would be up to me to say "hey, welcome to the neighborhood, I'm free for the next half hour, need some help?" and then leave without regrets after that time was up.   But it isn't always easy to work it out that way.    

 

Is that selfish of me? Maybe. 

 

If there was an emergency it would be different.  On the rare occasion we get a big snow here, the blowers and shovels come out and the men/boys of the neighborhood work together to get the widows dug out.  I make hot cocoa and coffee for all.

Yes, I have three little kids, a brand new house with my own share of unpacked boxes and unpainted walls, a husband who has a 3-hour round trip commute to his full time job and is going to grad school at night (and sometimes on the weekend)...and all the free time in the world. Of course spending three hours helping someone else set me back in my own work for the day! And my husband spent four hours of his own valuable homework/house work time today helping them. We will catch up. We don't help people out only when it's convenient.

 

Look, you all are reading way more into this than there was. I wasn't bossing the new neighbors around. When I said I begged them to wait for my dh, I wasn't being bossy and telling them how to do their own move. I was simply telling them that help with the really heavy stuff (which they were setting aside because neither the wife nor I could help move it) would be happily available today. I used the word "beg" in my original post, and I obviously regret that now, because apparently it conveyed the wrong idea. I never referred to my other neighbors as lazy or lying. Those are other people's words, not mine. I have actually repeatedly stated how much I really like all of my neighbors. When I said I tried to round up some bodies, it was a casual, simple, single question to two people that I know. That's all. I was surprised by their reactions--it was different from what I'm used to. That doesn't mean I'm passing judgment. If you read all these posts carefully, you will see that I am not the person who introduced value judgments into this discussion. That was everyone else. It's unbelievable how this board can twist people's comments and run 100 miles per hour with them, each of you feeding off of the other, until the entire discussion is completely distorted. I came here looking for a little insight. I got much more than I bargained for.

 

Just...wow.

[Scrub Jay]

I never referred to my other neighbors as lazy or lying. Those are other people's words, not mine. I have actually repeatedly stated how much I really like all of my neighbors. When I said I tried to round up some bodies, it was a casual, simple, single question to two people that I know. That's all. I was surprised by their reactions--it was different from what I'm used to. That doesn't mean I'm passing judgment. If you read all these posts carefully, you will see that I am not the person who introduced value judgments into this discussion.

.

In your OP you called your neighbors' excuses "lame." How is that not a value judgment from the get go?

[LisaKinVA]

I've moved about 20 times...the only help we've had has been from family (who was there).  Most of those moves were just my parents, my brothers and I.  While it would be nice, it's never been my experience (in CA, GA, FL, VA or AR)

[LisaKinVA]

I've moved about 20 times...the only help we've had has been from family (who was there).  Most of those moves were just my parents, my brothers and I.  While it would be nice, it's never been my experience (in CA, GA, FL, VA or AR)

[Samiam]

Would not want help, would feel awkward with a complete stranger helping us.

[myfunnybunch]

I don't think it's the initial offer of help that is perceived as intrusive, it's everything that followed up afterwards that is intrusive.

 

 

You know, I went back and re-read the responses to the OP, and an offer of help was described in different posts as odd, rude, presumptuous, bizarre, intrusive. Not the insistence or trying to round up the neighbors, but the offer. That genuinely surprised and puzzled me. Actually, it surprised me again, since after reading your response, I though maybe I'd misread, which is why I went back and read through it again. It just wouldn't occur to me to think of an offer to help (a respectful non-insistent one) as more than a friendly gesture. I mean, I'd probably decline politely, say nice to meet you and look forward to getting to know you once we're settled, and excuse myself so I could get back to work, but I wouldn't think anything more of it. I certainly wouldn't think badly of the helpful person or their offer.

 

It really did make me wonder for a minute if I am just really bizarre, and my neighbors thought I was a huge weirdo for offering to help out. Then I figured....they let their kid play at my house, and they're pretty protective parents, so either they think I'm normal or that I'm a nice safe weirdo. :D

 

Cat

[Firefly]

We've moved many times, in both rural and urban areas.  No one ever offered to help.  IME people have friends and family that help them do that;  we always did, so wouldn't have needed the help anyway.  If a new neighbor wanted to introduce themselves, fine; but an offer to help bring boxes in? No.  I would find that off-putting.

 

And FTR, in any of the places we've lived, the neighbors all look out for each other-- keep an eye on each other's houses when people are vacationing, help shovel/plow driveways in the snow or remove trees after a hurricane-- that sort of thing.  So it's not like we're isolated and unfriendly;  we just all keep to ourselves unless we're needed.  I'm an introvert-- I like it that way.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have lived in military communities my entire adult life. Since leaving my parents home 19 years ago I have lived in...ten homes, I think. Nobody has ever helped us move. That is weird to me. Most people would not want other people messing with their stuff.

[Melissa in Australia]

I didn't read any of the response.

 No I never have thought about helping the neighbor shift in. instead I spy on them :001_cool: . I do this by going and hanging out the washing, or weeding the garden or something. just so I can check out what the are like. We live in a great neighborhood,. everyone keeps pretty much to themselves, everyone is on at least 2 acres and every house is positioned in such a way that you can only catch glimpses of the house.

[marbel]

Yes, I have three little kids, a brand new house with my own share of unpacked boxes and unpainted walls, a husband who has a 3-hour round trip commute to his full time job and is going to grad school at night (and sometimes on the weekend)...and all the free time in the world. Of course spending three hours helping someone else set me back in my own work for the day! And my husband spent four hours of his own valuable homework/house work time today helping them. We will catch up. We don't help people out only when it's convenient.

 

Well, I guess we all have different limits on our abilities and desires to stop what we're doing to help people in a non-emergency situation.  You and your husband sound  like nice, helpful people. Nicer than I.   My husband was a working student too, with homework, house maintenance work, and kids who needed his attention, and I must admit that if during those days he had suddenly felt compelled to spend 4 hours helping people we didn't know, and who hadn't asked for help, I would probably have been angry with him.  But I think I already admitted in this thread that I'm selfish.  

[Parrothead]

I voted other. If I saw someone struggling with a particular item, and could help (or send my son or husband to help), I would do that. I wouldn't just show up and say "hi, want some help moving in?"

 

The last time we moved was the first time we didn't have professional movers. We were moving for my husband to attend school (seminary) and the student services person at the school asked ahead of time if we would need any help. We said yes, and they found some volunteers to carry boxes for us. If they hadn't we would have managed or hired help from U-Haul or somewhere to unload.

 

I would never expect someone to come out of their house to help us move in. I think it would be very uncomfortable to meet my neighbors that way. It's such a difficult time and I feel that would just complicate things. As it turned out, all our immediate neighbors are elderly widows anyway. So we were well-supplied with cookies. :D

 

And honestly I've also never met anyone who didn't make arrangements for necessary help when moving. So it could end up that there would be too many helpers which also complicates things.

Generally when we move long distance so we don't know anyone at the other end. We end up unpacking the truck by ourselves. Small towns in the middle of nowhere don't have services like that.

[Parrothead]

I'd gladly accept any help offered from neighbors and would pay teens if they ever offered.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I voted other, because I would help if I saw that they needed something, like a ladder or something to make the move easier.  Normally, I just go over an introduce myself and tell them that if they need anything to let me know.  Then in a day or two, I bring some food or dessert over.

[BlueTaelon]

No I don't and I wouldn't allow them to help me. Were we just moved from the only time people helped out was if they were casing the place. I allowed some strangers from a local church group to help with a move a few moves ago and NEVER again. I took out the valuables, new electronics, flat screen, computers ect, before they arrived since I was worried about stealing what little we had (sad that I was worried about a CHURCH group). I forgot 1 item, a brand new Terabyte HDD in the kitchen still in the static packaging. yep, stolen:( A few other things went missing too but that one really upset me.

[JadeOrchidSong]

I'm surprised everyone finds this odd!

 

Dh would offer to help move heavy stuff. He wouldn't even think twice. I would offer something else, probably...because I have a baby and Im very small and weak. But I'd offer to grab some waters or something.

 

OP, I think you did good. People need to move out of their comfort zone and help others more often!

I agree!!!

OP, you are a very kind person. I would be honored to have you as neighbor.

[katilac]

Asking people if they are available to help is not "pressuring" them. Honestly.

Honestly, I would indeed feel a bit pressured if a neighbor that I barely knew came and asked me to help a neighbor that I didn't know at all. Your neighbors can see the moving van; if they wanted to offer help, they would have done so.

 

 

Here's the thing. One of my neighbors actually came over after I got home from running my errands, to help me unload the large items I had purchased. He and his wife saw me pull up, saw that I had big things in my van, and he came over to help. I thought it was super nice! It started pouring rain quite suddenly, so I said I would probably just wait a little while. The rain stopped after about ten minutes, so I went out and hauled in all my stuff (which was indeed large and heavy). I did it by myself, but that's when I got the idea to ask this neighbor to help the new neighbors. I figured he was willing and able to move some heavy stuff for me, why not for these other people? But he said they were just getting ready to leave (which they didn't).

Maybe something happened and they couldn't leave, *shrug.* Maybe whatever happened took priority over helping the new neighbors move in. There's no way for you to know. And, as someone else noted, it's one thing to empty a trunk, and another thing entirely to empty a moving van, lol!

 

I don't think it's weird or intrusive to offer help. I think it's overstepping a bit to ask someone else to go help.

 

We would offer help if we saw someone struggling with that awkward or heavy item that required one more person to move, and would accept such help. I wouldn't offer to spend hours and hours helping a stranger move, and I wouldn't accept such help from a stranger. I would wonder about the new neighbors' common sense if they showed up with a moving truck full of multiple heavy items and only one person capable of doing heavy lifting. They're not 20-somethings moving a futon into their first apartment; they're grown people moving real furniture into a house! Seriously, you don't plan for that?

[Flowing Brook]

When we moved here nine years ago our neighbors sent their two sons over to help us move. They stayed for hours. When they left we tried to pay them and they refused. 

It has been a long time since we had someone move in but if they did I would go over and introduce myself.  I would also tell them if they needed anything to feel free to come over and I would be glad to help them.  If it seemed like they needed some help unloading the truck I would offer to help them.

[8circles]

I voted other. I will help if it isn't professional movers but most people here use professionals. We have askedthe teens next door for help and they've been more than willing to help. Ther'es lots of helping with snowblowing and sharing of baked goods & garden excesses so I consider us all a helpful lot.