Anybody else struggle with their *own* anger? **updated**

[AnonymousMom]

I am posting this anonymously because I'm so ashamed, but I really need some help. I am a regular poster here, and fairly new to homeschooling. I have a 7 yr old DD with some learning disabilities. I also have three other children, ages 6, 5 and 4. None of them have ever been in a classroom for school.

My daughter's learning disabilties have me in a place where I am just so frustrated with her that I am losing control of my anger. I am saying things to her that are terrible. And if I'm not saying it out loud, I'm feeling it and thinking it.

I hate myself for it. It's a disgusting thing to do and I grew up in a home like this and swore I would never do the same to my own children. And for the most part, I've been able to hold true to that...this isn't an issue with my boys. I promise myself that I won't lose my patience with her. That, when she forgets (again) that 8 is more than 2, I'll take deep breaths. Or we'll put it aside. Or pray about it. But something inside of me just snaps. It's like a whole different me. The look on her face, when I've been verbally abusive towards her, haunts me. And it should. Because it's a terrible thing to do. And I want to stop, but I just can't seem to! What kind of mom am I? She is my only little girl and I love her to pieces and I should be building her up, not tearing her down. Not making her feel like crap about herself. Not making her feel stupid (even if those words don't come out of my mouth, the meaning is there).

Afterwards, I'll take her aside, and apologize and tell her that I was wrong to say those things and that I love her very much. And I'll feel terribly guilty and promise myself that it won't happen again. And for a few days at least, I'll be fine. But then it builds up. The frustration of not being able to help her get over some of these LD humps. Questioning whether I have it in me to teach her, or should I send her to public school (something that my husband and I are adamently opposed to, for a number of reasons).

In so many ways, she reminds me of myself. She is ADHD (inattentive, not hyperactive) and she can never seem to "get it right" with anything in life. She's the one who constantly spills, constantly makes mistakes, stains clothes, breaks things, bumps into people, etc. Generally, she's making the wrong choice and getting into trouble because she doesn't think through anything that she does.

She's so me. I know exactly how she feels, when she's made the wrong choice, yet again.

Except....I had the benefit of being a gifted student and was able to use my academic giftedness to cover for my ADHD tendencies.

She doesn't have that....because in addition to the ADHD, she has significant math disabilties and general spatial weaknesses. Nothing in school comes easily for her. Nothing.

I find myself screaming at her. "How can you not know this?!?!?! This is baby math! It's counting!!! We've covered this so.many.times.before!!!!" And it's the truth....we have covered it so many times before. And she still doesn't get it. Even when I sit with her and go over it point by point, and she seems to get it...five minutes later....she doesn't get it. And sometimes, she'll master a topic. She'll really actually master it! Consistently demonstrate that she "gets" it. She might have that topic mastered for weeks...sometimes even months. But then all of a sudden...*poof* it's gone. "I don't know what number comes after 25..." or "56 is less than 8..." I just want to scream!!!! But I'll patiently work with her and work with her...but I can feel the pressure building, until I get to a point of rage. "HOW CAN YOU TELL ME THAT 3 IS MORE THAN 8?!?!!? WE JUST TALKED ABOUT IT!!!!"

Walk away? How will she ever learn this fundamental aspect of mathematics if I walk away every time she has difficulty with the concept? How will she ever learn anything about anything if I have to walk away and put it aside, every time she struggles with the concept? She struggles with ALL concepts. We'd never get anywhere in her schooling.

Is there anybody else out there that can relate? Is there anybody who can offer advice on how I can overcome my own rage? Maybe just putting this out here will help me to be accountable. I don't know. I just know I need help and there's not really anybody in my real world network that I can turn to. How can you turn to your church, or your best friend and ask for help with not verbally abusing your kid?

If you can relate, or can offer advice, please do. I don't know what else to do. I love my daughter, and I hate how I am reacting towards her. This has gone on long enough and it needs to stop, so we can start healing our relationship before it gets to a point of permanent damage.

Please help.

[Remudamom]

I have a terrible temper. The only thing I can tell you is this. You do not get to yell at your daughter. Period. You walk away, you count to 10, you get a handle on yourself.

 

What does it matter if she is slow at math?? NOTHING. What will it matter if you yell at her? EVERYTHING. Do you want her to remember love and help and compassion or being yelled at by the person who is most important in her life?

 

Step back, look at it and decide.

[Mnemosyne]

No suggestions, but :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:.

[Mommy22alyns]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I know what it's like to struggle with your temper. One thing to keep in perspective is that though something might seem easy and obvious to us, it's really not to them. The only other thing I can suggest is the book She's Gonna Blow! HTHS.

[AnonymousMom]

I have a terrible temper. The only thing I can tell you is this. You do not get to yell at your daughter. Period. You walk away, you count to 10, you get a handle on yourself.

 

What does it matter if she is slow at math?? NOTHING. What will it matter if you yell at her? EVERYTHING. Do you want her to remember love and help and compassion or being yelled at by the person who is most important in her life?

 

Step back, look at it and decide.

 

Well, I think a lot of my anger actually boils down to this particular point. It matters to me. Why? I don't know. I feel like I'm failing her, by not being able to teach her how to compare numbers. It's so silly, I know. But at some point, she will need to take standardized testing. Over a year, now, we've been working on understanding basic number sense. How is she ever going to pass standardized testing? How will she manage her family's budget, one day. How will she manage her own finances?

[Ravin]

I tend to deal by raging at inatimate objects, drivers on the road, etc. This really bothers DD so I've started trying to put a lid on it in front of her. I usually manage not to take my frustration with her issues out on DD, but my girlfriend has called me out on it a time or two. Sometimes it comes through in my tone, which DD picks up on as surely as if I used more overt words. I also have my own issues that have nothing to do with DD. I understand how you've gotten to where you're at. The key is to make positive changes, and to focus on the positive.

 

You might benefit from parenting or anger management classes or counseling. These can be had inexpensively or free if you look around.

 

I need to get into counseling myself, I'm just always putting it off because I have a bad habit of focusing on others (the kids especially) before myself to the point that it's a detriment to my own well-being and the whole family. DH is the same way about medical issues.

 

 

[Jayne J]

Have you considered counseling? There are experts out there who can help you learn some tools to manage your anger and find ways to be a better mother and teacher to your child (in that order). We all have bad days, sometimes even bad weeks, but if this is a problem you feel is really damaging your relationship with your daughter and that you cannot control/stop then seeking outside help is necessary. There is no shame in seeking the help you and your daughter need.

[Remudamom]

You are failing her by expressing your anger. I yelled at my kids. I hope I stopped soon enough that they can forget. I am heartbroken every time I think about it. There are no words. Stop now.

 

Chill out about the math. Who gives a rat's @$$ about budgets? I've never used one and I'm old.

[Orthodox6]

:grouphug: You took the first step the moment you recognized your struggle and vowed to conquer the problem. That, itself, is courageous. So, another :grouphug: for that! I would recommend, very sincerely so, that you reach out with that same courage and seek professional help.

 

You mention "ADHD-like tendencies" within yourself. Have you ever sought professional diagnosis for ADHD? Adults do have this. Mine was not diagnosed until I was in my mid-forties, because (as the doctor's explanation went), I was bright enough to develop coping skills that worked until eventually life became too difficult for me. One characteristic of ADHD in adults is a short fuse. (I understand that instantly!) Possibly this could explain a part of your struggle.

 

I so much encourage you to obtain outside help as soon as you can. Your daughter loves you dearly. She will continue to love you, even though your anger is hurting her badly. The sooner that you receive help, though, the sooner the both of you can begin to heal. She is hurting, and so are you. Things CAN be helped.

 

Are her LDs diagnosed, or just suspected? If she was evaluated for them, then you should have been provided with ideas for how to increase her successes with schoolwork. If you are making good guesses only, take your instincts further and secure educational testing. It can be expensive, but sometimes help is available. My dd's psychiatrist was able to word the request as medically necessary, so our insurance helped defray some of the expense.

 

After receiving good-quality help, step back and reassess whether or not homeschooling is a good fit for your daughter, for you, or for neither. She and you are more important than where her schooling takes place.

 

Don't give up! :grouphug:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

 

Well, I think a lot of my anger actually boils down to this particular point. It matters to me. Why? I don't know. I feel like I'm failing her, by not being able to teach her how to compare numbers. It's so silly, I know. But at some point, she will need to take standardized testing. Over a year, now, we've been working on understanding basic number sense. How is she ever going to pass standardized testing? How will she manage her family's budget, one day. How will she manage her own finances?

 

The future test, the imaginary budget, the imaginary family, don't matter at all right now. Not at all. All you get is today.

 

Is it possible that you can't homeschool this child? There is no shame in that. It takes a tremendous amount of bravery to concede that her learning differences might be more than you can handle, and turn your attention to finding the best possible school situation for her. She can have other teachers, but she can't ever get another Mama. Especially if she has special challenges, she needs you to be her soft place to land and her best cheerleader. You can't be the one mad at her for problems she's unable to solve. You're the Mama.

 

I know you don't want to do ps. I understand that, I'm very, very strongly opposed to what ps has to offer, normally. But your situation is not normal. She needs special help, and she needs you to be Mama instead of the angry teacher. When situations aren't normal, you start looking at options. What about the school is untenable? What are the options in your area? Can you hire a tutor? It's probably time to consider these things either again or for the first time. You aren't a failure if you can't homeschool her. You are a wonderful Mama if you can face your own limitations, and hers, and find an educational solution that keeps your relationship intact.

[Forget-Me-Not]

NAK :) please forgive my brevity!

 

You mention prayer in your post. Use it. Sometimes I am holding my breath and clenching my teeth and praying silently for strength.

 

I'd also suggest that you get some professional anger management help. But in the meantime keep praying.

[Danestress]

I don't have temper problems. I do feel frustrated quite often.

 

I sometimes used to pretend every thing I did with my kids was being video taped, and when I was frustrated, I would try to behave in a way that I would want others to see, because it is a lot of power to be the only adult present.

 

Do you have a Dh? What if you actually did have a nanny cam and agreed to just show him any bad moments you have during the day? I bet you would do better just knowing you are being taped.

 

That is a very surface solution, though. Obviously there are deeper issues of managing frustration, managing expectations, addressing her issues. Etc. others who had similar issues with their kids can help with that, I hope.

[speedmom4]

I'm ashamed to say that I could have written your post years ago. I felt like I was going to explode. I was frustrated during school so much of the time. I am ashamed of how I behaved.

 

A few things really helped me. First I realized that I was depressed and anxious and started taking an antidepressant. I was on it for a few years and then was able to wean myself off when I knew I was ready. Second, I started making some time for myself. It didn't happen often when they were young like your children but I wish I had done it more. It definitely helped me relax and enjoy myself. Third, I started running. Something about sweating it all out and being outside made a huge difference.

I promise you that it can get better. I promise that your kids may remember some of the bad moments but it will be in the past.

 

Make this a priority. Do whatever you need to do to fix this. Quit homeschooling if necessary. Get help. Don't be prideful about it.

 

The fact that you are acknowledging the problem is huge. Someday you are going to run across a mom with young children who is struggling with anger and rage. You will be able to give her a little wisdom because you've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. And then you're going to thank God that it is all in the past and that He delivered you!!!!!

 

I'll be praying for you!!! Please PM me if you need an ear to listen!

 

Elise in NC

[zoobie]

Please go talk to someone. Get some tools to manage your anger. Your ADHD could exacerbate things. Depression can too. Once you get yourself under control, you can tackle your daughter's issues.

[PhotoGal]

Are you getting enough sleep? If not, I would try to prioritize that. It could make a huge difference in how much you can handle frustration.

 

It sounds like your anger is really coming from fear - fear that she won't be able to do things in the future, fear that you aren't doing a good enough job and so on. If you are able to acknowledge the fear, it may take away some of the anger.

 

I'm glad that you are looking for an answer about how to change this. I agree it needs to change. Is there anyway you would be open to school or tutoring until you figure out what is causing this? It sounds like math is the biggest issue - maybe you could have her do all of her math on the computer for now so you don't have that conflict.

 

I commend you for recognizing the problem and searching for a solution!

[Catwoman]

Well, I think a lot of my anger actually boils down to this particular point. It matters to me. Why? I don't know. I feel like I'm failing her, by not being able to teach her how to compare numbers. It's so silly, I know. But at some point, she will need to take standardized testing. Over a year, now, we've been working on understanding basic number sense. How is she ever going to pass standardized testing? How will she manage her family's budget, one day. How will she manage her own finances?

 

Not for anything, but your dd is 7.

 

SEVEN.

 

Stop worrying about what she will do 20 years from now -- she'll be fine.

 

Stop worrying about standardized test scores. Unless it's the SAT, they don't matter -- and even then, those may not matter either, depending on your dd's situation.

 

You're not looking at your dd's issues as things to work on with her; you're looking at them in terms of how they reflect on you as a mother.

 

And it really and truly is not all about you.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but quite frankly, you're coming across as kind of a drama queen here. I know things may be rough with your dd, but you need to focus on her and what makes her happy, and not keep comparing her with your own imagined version of what she should be.

 

I think you should seriously consider counseling. I know that all of us can get frustrated, and I don't know anyone who has never lost their temper with their kids, but it sounds like this is more the norm than the exception for you, and that's simply not fair to your dd.... and it's not fair to you, either, because it's obvious that you regret getting so angry shortly after it happens.

 

Again, I know I sound harsh, but I do want to commend you for asking for help. You recognize that there's a big problem, and that is HUGE. :grouphug:

[Heathermomster]

Hire a tutor or place her in school. Read up on the issues and either join or start an LD support group. Pray and ask God to incline your heart to her needs. These problems are very real, not her fault, and she is not your adversary. You need perspective from moms who have dealt with these sorts of issues.

[MommaOfalotta]

I lost my temper today.. and I've felt horrible about it ever since. With the baby fussing and dd not listening, it just feels like chaos inside my head. They are only young once.. time goes by so quickly. I feel like a lot of my insecurities comefrom parents that made me feel pretty stupid at times (with one it was unintentional, imsure. The other, intentional.) My point is when you know you don't ever want to make your child feel that way..and you do anyway (because no one is perfect and we ALL make mistakes) you have to apologize, and give her some praise. Next time, walk away. Or find something in the situation you can praise her on. I know it can be super hard when you are losing it. Point is just think... in the heat of the moment you lose your temper. You don't exercise control-you let it out. One split second is all it takes to give her a mental/emotional scar that could last a lifetime.

 

I know you aren't wanting to hurt your daughter. Maybe next time just try to put her feelings above your own or if need be, walk away. The fact that you posted this in the first place shows that you don't want to keep the outbursts going. Sorry I don't have much advice.. ill be praying for you and dd!

[Unicorn.]

1. You came here to ask for help.. that's a good first step

2. You should definitely seek counseling

3. Your daughter may never be a rocket scientist. She may be working at McDonald's the rest of her life. That's ok. Accept it.

4. But DO NOT make her feel worse than the dog poop you stepped in on your walk- kwim? And this is exactly what you are doing.

5. Start every lesson as if you have never covered it before. Teach her everyday, that 8 is more than 3. Get her manipulative's, and don't expect her to retain it. Then, when she finally does someday- jump for joy and throw a party. Then when she forgets it again, just tell her it's ok, and re-teach it.

 

6. If you can't do that- please put her in school, because what you are doing is worse than what ps could do.

 

7. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for both of you

[sheryl]

I've decided not to read the other replies as I want to be objective about this. Not to minimize your challenge at all, but we all succumb to anger. It sounds like, though, yours has escalated and might be "uncontrollable". What has caused it to escalate? Is it your dd or could it possibly be something else and your dd is the pin cushion (saying this gently here)? Your dd doesn't get math. She's in 3rd grade? Every child is different. Some are good in math, others in English and still others in another subject. Unless that child is gifted, s/he will have subjects easy and hard. His/her friend may find the subjects easy for your dd are hard for him/her and the subjects your dd finds hard may be easy for this friend. Perhaps your dd needs a neurological eval and an overall medical workup including blood work. It may reveal an issue like allergies (special test), sugar, or something else that once identified you can easily start to treat. I do think you need to have your dd tested on both accts. as stated above. Regarding your anger: have you discussed with your dh? Do you have any family or friends with whom you can share? IF you have a good church, I would talk to the pastor and/or counseling center. IF you feel uncomfortable doing that you may want to consider researching in your area counselors associated with a church. Go in and speak with them. They are there to help and Christ was tempted in every way yet He didn't sin. He already faced every sin. You are not a bad person because of your anger. It's what you do with your anger that can make you go into a downward spiral. Anger is an emotion. You must go in and talk with someone who is an advocate for you, your dd and family...a godly counselor would be great, one who is experienced, yet sensitive to the issue. It may take research, but go forth in faith......

[MommaOfalotta]

dp

[sheryl]

wtm was off line as I was sending this and apparently a glitch of multiple copies

[MommaOfalotta]

Wow... triple post. Stinkin phone.

[sheryl]

sorry, double post

[JBJones]

Definitely go get counseling for both of you....like yesterday. I don't think you're being a drama queen......I think you are being.......truthful. Sometimes in life that is the most difficult thing to do. To be truthful to yourself. You have already done the hardest part, admitting you have a problem.

[mytwomonkeys]

:grouphug: oh, big hugs to you. the most i've ever wanted to flip my lid & lose my cool has been over math! so i really do understand. math has caused tears in the past for my daughter and left me feeling like a complete and total failure. our solution was to switch curriculum, but i understand that won't work in your case.

 

my suggestion (if you aren't doing it already) is to use math games to teach concepts and lots of manipulatives (or computer games if she prefers). honestly, i would even switch to living math books in lieu of a curriculum. your daughter is young still and she has special needs. set the timer for 15 minutes and when it goes off, move on to the next subject! don't stay on a difficult subject for longer than that. i realize you have standardized test to worry about in the future, but right now, don't let that small voice in your head have you worrying about that. today has enough worries of it's own, so just focus on the here and now. this will help you to not feel so overwhelmed. the priority is your relationship here.

 

hugs to you. :grouphug:

 

ETA - one of my daily mantras when i feel spread thin is, "days with young children are very long but the years are so short. learn to enjoy the journey". :)

[Parrothead]

You need to talk to some one. Priest, pastor,minister, professional health care provider, a support group, etc. please get help other than an Internet message board.

[freesia]

I also encourage you to find someone to talk to. When we feel alone, it makes things worse. If your best friend is trustworthy, it can be freeing to share with someone who will pray for you and hold you accountable. If you have no one like this, your pastor could probably point you in the direction of a counselor.

 

I also agree that you should have her tested. Testing my son and seeing what was and wasn't the issue was freeing. The tester also gave me insights into his learning style that I'd never considered. Being gifted yourself and having a child who may not be (or at least has significant learning struggles) must shake you up, as well. When things come easy, it is harder to understand that, for some, it doesn't work that way.

 

I also, gently, ask you to reconsider putting her in school, at least for a while. I love the Mama as "soft" place analogy. Sometimes, when we feel "trapped" in a situation, we feel desperate, lost and angry. You can put her in school and it can be okay, really. I taught in ps for 10 years and it wasn't an awful place and the special ed. teachers cared. I may be totally off base but this is how I would feel if I were you :Right now you are feeling like a failure,which is reinforcing what you dealt with as a child, and you see no way out and, like a trapped lion, you are lashing out which makes you feel like a failure and you repeat the cycle. Even allowing yourself the option of school may help.

 

That said, I once had a friend who struggled in the same way with a child with learning issues. School was not an option for them, either. She decided the relationship was more important than the academics. She would put the books away if she started getting frustrated (before he could tell). She, while a dedicated classical schooler by philosophy, began to virtually "unschool" him. Guess what? As the anxiety level decreased (both of theirs) many of his difficulties disappeared. Kids can't learn when they are afraid.

 

She is only 7. Take a break. Take a deep breath.

[*Lulu*]

I have three thoughts here:

 

1) You need to find someone IRL to talk to, to look you in the eyes and tell you straight up how it is then walk with you through how to make it better.

 

2) For my oldest SN son age 7/8 were the worst ever with learning anything outside his circle of interest. I taught math FOR A LIVING before I became a mom and I was floundering to help DS. You know how you eat an elephant? Well that is how you tackle math or anything else when a child is struggling, one little bite at a time. You take that one little bite a day and pretty soon you realize you are making real progress. Do the testing you need to get the information that will help you choose a path of instruction. Then start taking little bitty bites. (SWB has a lecture about educating the real child that has a lot of encouragement toward this end.)

 

3) The single most difficult parenting lesson I have ever learned, (and am still learning), is to parent the kid you've got. You have to let go of what you think this is supposed to look like and embrace what it is. You have to quit holding yourself to the standard you *think* others are holding you to and let go of worrying about others judging your parenting. Focus instead on what is actually important to YOU. You know that losing your temper in the way you are is incompatible with your personal parenting standards, so focus on making it right. Not for how others see you, but for how you see yourself and how your daughter sees you.

[TKDmom]

:grouphug:

 

I struggle with my temper continuously. I have discovered that dealing with my own anxiety has curbed my temper immensely. I would seek professional counseling. It's painful to admit you need help, but that's what they are there for.

I still lose my temper more than I would like, but I'm learning to recognize my triggers and walk away before I start yelling.

[Unicorn.]

I wanted to add one more bit of advice for your dd- keep moving forward w/ the math. Use a spiral program w/ built in review if necessary, but keep moving forward. Someday it will click. If she forgets, just say, "Oops, no. You have that backwards, 8 is bigger than 3", and keep going. I'm pretty sure dd has some LD's and I learned a long time ago, that she did better if we just kept moving forward, than trying to stop and focus on that one issue.

 

Last spring we started something new right at the end of the year, and she was really struggling w/ it. I didn't worry about it as I knew we would cover it again this year. Sure enough, one of the first things we covered, and when I started to go over it w/ her.. she says "Oh, I know how to do this. You just..." Yep, she knew it and flew through it. No, we didn't do any math over the summer. My dc have always done better in math w/ summer breaks. Your dd may be the same way. Just keep plugging away, and moving forward.

[Twinmom]

From one special needs momma to another...hugs! It ain't easy.

 

The first thing that struck me after reading your post was the fear in your voice. Fear for your child's future, fear for your own future, fear of failing your child... Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that's how it strikes me. You are frustrated in the day to day drudgery of teaching a hard to teach child (me, too!), but mainly you seem frightened for a child whom you love very much.

 

I have certainly been there, and I don't have any easy answers. For me, I have had to grieve what will likely never be and give up the ideal future I had planned for my child. I have to learn to work with the raw material that I have been given, even if that "material" doesn't soak up things as fast as I think he or she should. I have to be willing to give up on the "perfect" little homeschool and outsource things I simply cannot.teach.that.child. Yes, it happens, and there is no shame in bringing in outside help. I have had to learn to recognize when it is time to step away from the books and just let them go set fire to stuff in the driveway with a magnifying glass (the current obsession around here!) or just chase them around the yard. I have had to learn how to recognize the beauty in their differences...they may never go to Harvard, but one of them loves God with an abandon that shocks me every day. Another can barely function in public and runs in terror from crowds, but put her in a paddock with a frightened horse and watch the magic happen. A third has a passion for adventure combined with a skill for building that has me dreaming of the structures he will build and the mountains he will scale.

 

I have one gifted child who stands out in our family for his academic prowess and there are days I grieve what "might have been" for the others, for sure. But if I can look carefully, I can still see the future that God has for each and every one, even if it isn't what the rest of the world thinks it should be. That, and a good dose of prayer, is how I don't throttle them all when we are going over the same thing for the 15th time, even when I feel like it. And when I can't manage to hold my tongue...we get out the magnifying glass and head outside to scare and amaze the neighbors once again. It works for us.

 

A nice cup of coffee helps, too! ;)

 

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: i am so glad you posted. :grouphug:

 

you are in a place now and you want thing to be different. that's good.

how to get there?

 

1) find a trained person to work with you to figure out the different pieces to this.

 

please find someone who is highly trained. it will make it faster, and easier (and therefore cheaper). i have rarely met christian councellors or clergy who have enough training and skill to help quickly. (there are always exceptions, but i am a pastor and a child psychologist and i cringe when my faith colleagues talk about the councelling work they do). and while it may not be a quick fix, there are often a fast few things you can do to give you some growing time in other areas.

 

2) in the meantime, i'd suggest you put away all your curriculum and switch to five in a row. cuddle, read, learn. go for nature walks.

do not worry about retention so much. work on relationship.

 

3) you can do this! really!

 

ann

 

ps. and i would give myself a no tolerance goal in myself. the moment i felt the frustration building, i'd stop/walk away. changing curriculum to five in a row will change the whole dynamic, and could help a whole lot. it may be in this time frame that the two of you discuss things but you do not test retention. you could ask her to narrate back what happened, and then fill in the major gaps. and then you are done. this is not a forever solution, but its not a bad for now solution.

[Orthodox6]

Twinmom -- beautiful. Thank you.

 

I just deleted personal information which I should not have posted. It gave concrete reasons why I wrote the following sentence:

 

OP and her daughter can succeed in life, too. This I believe intensely.

[musicianmom]

When you see a counselor, make sure it's someone who will address your emotions and thought processes and reactions, not just try and tell you how to fix the current situation.

 

Math tutor for your dd definitely, even if you just recruit another mom to help your dd in exchange for you teaching their dc something.

 

I also recommend testing. If you're gifted, she may be also and it's masked by an LD.

 

 

 

[Isabella]

Hugs to you both! :grouphug: And it's wonderful that you are willing to see a problem and are taking steps to remedy that.

 

I wanted to point out to you, you probably already know it, but her learning problems will only get worse if you continue to react in anger. Her anxiety about not upsetting you will cause her to put blocks up, anxiety to ramp up, brain to get confused, and therefore struggle more to give you the right answer. This is setting her up for a lifetime of anxiety re. learning. Please halt it right now. Even if you have to finish schooling her right now, and while you work on your anger management (via a professional, I would imagine is needed) don't even think about schooling. I would even go so far as to enrol her in school for the next year so that the situation that triggers anger and anxiety in you and her is removed, allowing you both to re-connect in only positive ways.

 

I think you need to realize that she may ALWAYS have learning disabilities - this will not mean she can't have a fulfilling life. How many people (men or women) are useless at budgeting, so the other partner has to do that side of things? No big deal! If both of them are useless at it, even that is no big deal! That's why there are professionals to help with budgeting etc! But her chance at a fulfilling life WILL be hampered by a lifetime of verbal abuse. I know that you can see that - I'm not trying to beat you up over it. It's wonderful that you are seeing at this stage the very long term repercussions that you will be causing if you don't address it now. I REALLY commend you for that! I think you should even involve your daughter in your thought processes/actions concerning it as a way to heal any damage done, and build closeness as you rebuild a positive relationship.

 

Hugs to you again....you're very brave, and I wish you all the best in the positive steps you're taking. :grouphug:

[lil' maids in a row]

Good for you for recognizing there's a problem.

-Be accountable. An older woman at church, your dh, your mom, a councellor

-Take a break - declare a holiday. Take a few weeks off school and focus on developing skills for managing your anger.

-Use a timer. Set the timer for 5 minutes and work on math for five minutes, then quit. Tell yourself "I only have to be patient for 5 minutes." When you can do that try 7.

-Have witnesses. Skype with grandma while you do math. Call Dad and leave the phone on the table while you work with her.

-Leave. Walk away when you START to feel frusterated and don't go back till you are good (even if that doesn't happen til the next day) .

-Try magnesium supplements. Lay off the caffeine.

[gardenmom5]

Okay - :grouphug: . and breathe. you are *very* overwhelmed. working with a learning disabled child is hard - and you don't have any special training for how to work with one, so that makes it even harder. You're asking for help - that's more than some mother's have done.

 

first - you do need to work on nurturing yourself, or you can't nurture your children.

I agree counseling is good, but it is also incomplete.

 

not all exercise is created equal - some is better for stress relief than others. yoga is good at reducing cortisol levels which means your stress levels will automatically go down, and you will have an increased ability to be patient with your dd. there are even yoga DVD's for children so you can all do them together.

(during one period of extreme frustration, I got used brick for free, that needed cleaning. I could do about 10 bricks before my arm gave out. but I got to hit something really hard which was cathartic, and had used brick for my garden when I was done.)

 

when you are under stress, your body uses more b-vitamins. I did a double dose of a stress b-complex for years. I've since learned several of us in our family have a genetic mutation that adversely affects how particular nutrients are used by the body. (learning disablities in our family are part of it. the extreme is my son's aspergers.) we use other supplements recommended by my sons DAN! naturopathic doctor - which make a huge difference with stress/anxiety and others, but I won't get into that here. if you are interested, you can pm me.

 

along with the add and learning disability, she sounds like she might also have a sensory processing disorder. (with my older son, I likened it to "his GUI and his HD won't talk to each other." one slp was vigorously nodding her head yes, because it so accuratly described one type of learning disability.) sort of crossed-wires in the brain. they are often co-morbid, meaning they appear together because the cause is related. it's treatable. If you can take her to a naturopathic doctor who treats add (DAN! dr's also see kids with ADD, and get results) - I would STRONGLY recommend it. the difference has been night and day for my son.

 

2nd - your school district should be able to do testing for your dd to figure out what the learning disabilities are. they won't be as thorough as a private provider, but if they do find things even if she's not enrolled, they can do some supplemental stuff to help her and help you develop stratigies based upon how she learns. if they don't find things - still go elsewhere. Learning disabilities are real, and they don't go away by wishing.

 

right now - step back, and relax the expectations. right now, you are working on learning about her LD's, and how she specifically learns - and taking care of yourself. :grouphug:

[SorrelZG]

You need to deal with your fear and insecurity. If you believe in God, you are not trusting Him with the child He designed or with her future. You're acting like He dropped part of the universe in your hands and then went on vacation.

 

Your success or failure will not be in terms of your daughters grasp of math, it will be in terms of love. If I can teach my daughter to balance her finances but hath not love, I am nothing. More important to her life and her being is Mommy-love. You gain nothing by sacrificing that but do tremendous amounts of damage to a soul. Remind yourself. You have to take your thoughts by the reins and correct them; get everything in proper perspective and priority and cast off your own burdens of fear. Definitely find loving, humble and wise counsel to help you do so.

[LibraryLover]

As she is your oldest, 7 seems soooo old. You have plenty of time, and stressing each other out is not going to make her learning go better or faster.

 

It is not. :) I promise.

 

Get help for your anger issues, and the rest will be better. Truly. :)

 

In the meanwhile, find things to do that help you enjoy the little daughter you have. I wouldn't put her in school (it's April anyway), but I would chill out. Some of the brightest, most wonderful hsing kids I know are not doing a ton of table work/ucrric, especially not at your dd's tender age. Chat, walk, bike ride, go swimming, read books to her, watch movies, etc to further develop the bond. You could do nothing but read, chat, and go on field trips for the next several months, and nothing bad will happen. The upside it that your adversarial relationship will improve, and she will cry less. You won't have to spend time apologizing.

 

First- born children are at a great disadvantage, expectations-wise.

[oceanseve]

I've not read all the posts, but I wanted to chime in before running off to feed my crew that I know EXACTLY how you feel, but let me offer some little piece of advice:

 

Your anger is not with her, it's with you. You are failing. You are angry that you are not teaching her. Realize this and it will make it better.

 

I have the same problem, but when I start to get frustrated I tell my daughter, "I'm angry because I don't know how to tell you what I want to. I'm not teaching it right." Even when I start to be similar to what you're talking about, "You just had this! You know this! ARGH!" I stop. Realize it's not her, it's me and apologize immediately so that she knows I'm not angry with her, but at myself.

 

Put the problem topic away and don't revisit it for weeks. Go backward instead of forward this has been helpful with my kids. When we seem to hit a wall we back track to known facts/topics which boosts confidence all around for them and me and gets us ready to tackle the hard stuff again down the road.

 

HTH

[Evergreen State Sue]

If your child has a learning disability, you need to find someone who can help her. You are frustrated because you don't know how to help her learn what you think she needs to learn. I was there. I sought a tutor and let the professional deal with that aspect of learning. She will feel better knowing someone is helping her learn without getting upset with her. Getting her help will relieve some of your frustration that seems to be leading to anger. There may be more help you need, but I think this would be a good start.

[canadianmomtofour]

I have a 7yo ds that sounds exactly like your dd. Math is our greatest struggle as well. It is taking us 2 years to get through math 1. It helps me to realize that when I get angry I know I am not angry at him, I am angry at me. Angry that I cannot seem to find a way to teach him whatever concept we are working on for the 17,000th time! When I start to feel that anger, the math book goes away and we find something to do that he is good at. Something I can feel pride in. Math will still be there tomorrow.

 

It also helps me to look at his progress. At the beginning of this year he couldn't count to 20 or even recognize the difference between numbers and letters. Now he is reading, and writing, and adding! He is nowhere near where a typical 7yo would be, but we have made huge gains compared to where we were. I need to feel pride in that, and the pride overcomes the anger.

[EKS]

Yes, I can relate.

 

I find that when I feel this way, when I've calmed down and can be more introspective, that it has less to do with my child and more to do with my own fear. Fear that I made the wrong choice to homeschool him, that my teaching is inadequate, that he will never be an independent adult, whatever.

[Tohru]

I wish I could PM you privately. :grouphug:

 

I had issues with my only daughter too...Let me say, I don't think that it has anything to do with the specific subject, math. I never treated my son the way I treated my daughter.

 

My daughter reminds me of me - she looks like I did, she acts like I did...So I treated her the way I was treated.

It was like role-reversal, I was my mom, yelling at myself in her. I don't know if that makes sense. It was horrible though - the devastation on her face each time I verbally assaulted her, the cries and hugs and apologies afterwards. Oh my, I'm crying just thinking about it.

I absolutely hated myself for it. I was too embarrassed to ask friends, so I came here asking for advice and no one, no one understood. I was condemned, people told me to get counseling, maybe I needed meds, etc. However none of that was for me.

 

So I prayed.

 

And this is how I got through it:

I knew that my behavior stemmed from the way my mother treated me. So G-d reminded me that that I was given this child to take care of. She is not mine. I am only to be this child's babysitter. So I acted like her babysitter and treated her like I was only babysitting her.

 

Did you ever babysit for some one else's kids when you were young? You remember how you'd play with them, make sure they were safe, you were nice to them because you were scared if you weren't, they'd tell their parents on you and you wouldn't get to babysit again. Or if you were super nice, you'd get a bonus. lol! Anyway, that was how I babysat.

 

Whenever I started to feel that irrational rage, the thought that I am only her babysitter would come into my mind.

 

Long story short - after a few months of being her babysitter, I was able to start becoming her mother again. I no longer carried my mother's tendencies, but became more like the mother I always wanted to have.

 

I don't know if being her babysitter will help you. I just wanted to share that is how I got through it. I still get mad sometimes, but everyone does. It is manageable anger; the rage-intensity is no longer there.

 

Pray. Pray. Pray. And drop math as a subject for another year. She can catch up later. :grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

I've posted up-thread, but wanted to add that very often anxiety manifests as anger/rage. If you can find a way to treat the anxiety, your anger will lessen.

[MomatHWTK]

:iagree:

 

Treatment for anxiety and ADHD for mom. Medication and/or cognitive behavior therapy. Testing for DD, this is not something that can be self-diagnosed and ADHD involves a LOT more than just not paying attention. I am learning more and more each day. If you can still view the archives of the Coursera course called "Pay Attention" sign up and do so. It is a real eye opener.

[Joanne]

First, get your daughter safe now. Please don't wait until you master your behavior. She deserves safety now. That might mean a brick and mortar school setting.

 

Your behavior with your dd is a choice. You don't do that with other humans, you allow yourself to "go there" with this child. You need outside help and accountability to stop.

 

Rage, and the power that comes with it, is an insidious cycle. The chemcials that course through the rager's body are seductive. The more you "go there", the easier it is to keep going there or to go there again.

 

Break the cycle and communicate to your dd that she's worth the protection and that it is not her - no matter how frustrating teaching her has been. She doesn't need another apology - she needs to see that YOU need the help, that her experience is not normal, that she did nothing, nothing, nothing that explains this. She needs to witness a dramatic response.

 

A teacher who did this to her would be fired; you need to fire yourself until you have gotten help, and have in place recovery, and accountability. In addition, we need more information and intervention for her from an academic standpoint.

 

A couple of book suggestions:

 

When Anger Hurts Your Kids

She's Gonna Blow

[AnonymousMom]

Apologies for taking a few days to get back to everyone. Aside from having a super busy weekend, I wanted to take some time to process everything that was said and suggested.

 

First...many many thanks to you all for reading this, contributing ideas and suggestions, and just relating. I appreciate that you took time out to assist.

 

A few things.

 

Public school is really not an option. Our school district is not a fantastic one and aside from that, my husband is very very much against it. Having been a severe dyslexic himself, being educated in a public school was torture for him. His needs were just not met. At all. And while we all know that things are better today, the truth is, it isn't always. Yes, I've gone back and forth in my own mind....which is the better situation for my daughter....a public school that is probably not equipped to meet her learning needs, where she will likely be ridiculed by her peers, feel bad about herself because she can't keep up with her same age peers, and be exposed to peer influences that we prefer her to not be exposed to. Or, schooling at home, with a mom who loses her cool with her. But at least at home, we can try different approaches. We can take all the time she needs to work on a concept. And she's not dealing with the negative peer influences and interactions. And why should she HAVE to? I'm an adult...it's MY responsibility to get my own emotions and reactions under control. She shouldn't have to sacrifice a single thing because I'm having a hard time controlling my anger with her. I need to grow up and get ahold of myself.

 

Tutoring is something that I think would be quite helpful. We do live pretty rural, and I would love suggestions on how to find a tutor that won't break the bank.

 

At the risk of sounding like I'm in denial over my own anger issues....I honestly don't generally have an anger problem! This is a pretty isolated situation and it quite shocks me when it happens because otherwise, I'm a very laid back person. It drives my husband nuts! Prior to having my own children, I worked in a group home for children ages 6-12 with severe behavioral disabilities. I mean, these were the hardest of the hard! Kids that spent much of their time trying to hurt each other, themselves, and us staff. And I never felt my anger rise up the way it does with my daughter.

 

Those of you that said it stems from fear...I think you hit the nail on the head. And it's not really an anger with HER...it's an anger with my own inability to teach her. To fix her. I hate seeing her struggle. I hate it. You are correct that I need to accept her for how she was created.

 

I mentioned the standardized testing. We are a testing requirement state and starting in the 4th/5th grade, she will need to demonstrate a level of proficiency on standardized testing, or we risk probation. That DOES terrify me. She still struggles with counting! I know, it's a couple of years away...but it's always in the back of my mind.

 

Counseling...ok...my concern with getting anger management counseling, or taking this to any kind of professional is the possibility of being reported!

 

DD's learning disabilties are diagnosed. She's had a complete neuropsychological workup. She's been assessed for developmental vision issues, OT issues, sensory issues, etc. She has an IEP with the school district for testing accommodations (too bad they don't nix the requirement for her), and for consultation on an as needed basis with the school's spec ed teachers. We do use that consultation piece. Her ADHD is also diagnosed but she is not medicated because she does not have the hyperactive piece. She's just distracted.

 

I, on the other hand, am medicated for ADHD and have been since I was 5 years old, save the years I was having babies. Sometimes, I feel like the meds may actually make me MORE angry. It's something I'll talk about with my PCP.

 

 

 

So the other night when I posted this thread, before bed, I took my sweet girl aside for a chat. I told her that I was sorry for losing my temper during school, yet again. That it was a sin for me to treat her the way that I did, that I was wrong and that I didn't want her to allow me, or anybody to talk to her in that way. I told her that she deserves better than that, and she has the right to stand up and politely ask for that. I asked her if she would help me to remember to use gentle words when I'm feeling angry. I told her that if she sees me starting to become angry or frustrated, that she could tell me, "Mommy, please build me up with your words." I told her that she could also politely remind me, "Mommy, it's not ok for you to talk to me this way." I KNOW that my verbal assaults of her are setting her up for a lifetime of co-dependency and allowing herself to be treated this way by others. I hope that I can give her the tools to stand up and not allow herself to be treated this way, by me, or by anybody. I thought about whether it was fair to give her this responsibility, kwim? It's not her job to control the reactions of others. But after thinking about it for awhile, the conclusion I came to is that it's really important for her to be able to stand up and say, "No, you're not going to treat me this way." And for my own part, I feel pretty confident that her saying such a thing to me will be the reminder I need to step aside and compose myself.

 

I appreciate so much, being able to come here anonymously and post about this. It's been a big burden lifted and I hope that, now that it's out in the open, I can get myself to a place where I'm not assaulting my daughter with words. Because I hate being in that place. It really sucks. I love her little face so much, and its my job to protect her, and to be the one hurting her...it kills me.

 

Again, thanks to everyone who took time to respond.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

You are transferring the burden to your daughter.