A little over a year ago, I posted this thread looking for help with losing my temper towards my oldest child. I received a lot of great feedback, a lot of understanding encouragement, some terrific suggestions and some direct and stern responses (which I needed). I mentioned that I was going to tell my daughter that she didn't have to accept my verbal tirades and loss of temper and that she could stand up to it and how she could do so. This was controversial because, obviously, it's transferring the burden onto her shoulders. I responded that I agreed with those comments, but that my daughter would benefit from learning to stand up for herself. Anyways, I went back and reread this thread today. Almost an entire school year has gone by and I thought it would be time for an update. I'm SO thankful to everyone that offered suggestions and feedback. This past school year has been much better. Not that DD has made huge strides in math (she has made some strides, yes, but is still a severely struggling math student). But my response to her struggles has greatly improved. She has not ever needed to stand up and say, "Mom, you can't talk to me this way." That's not to say we haven't had tense times. That's not to say I haven't yelled. But I haven't lost my ever-loving mind since I last started this thread. I haven't called her horrible names, or implied that she is stupid. I don't think I can ever say we're completely past those hard times. Certainly, I've had times this school year where the tension has risen, and I've felt that anger rising. But I've gotten a lot better at walking away and letting go of the fear of what her math LDs mean for her future. (There is still a lot of fear...how will she ever manage money, how easily will she be swindled, how will she manage her family's finances, but DH and I are accepting the fact that this may be her future and that's ok...we'll do what we need to for her). We're not out of the woods, and I think I will always reflect back on this thread. Honestly, I think getting it out there was really helpful. Being accountable for it was a big help. Keeping it a secret made it easier to allow it to happen again. Recently, I was talking with a mom of a boy on my son's baseball team. She formerly homeschooled her children. She started to explain to me the reasons she stopped homeschooling, and she started to tell me about how she was losing her anger with her kids and saying damaging things. I wanted to hug her because a) I completely understand where she's coming from but b.) she was SO brave in saying this face to face with another parent. Anyways, again, so many thanks to all of you who contributed and maybe, just maybe...somebody else will see this that really needs to see it. Happy Summer!

I wanted to take a few minutes to clarify a few points. 1) When I posted here, I fully expected there to be at least some backlash. Actually, the responses have been exactly what I expected. There are some who can relate to the feelings of rage and have said so. I suspect there are many who can relate and who have not said so. There are some who responded with loving suggestions. There are some who responded with comments that were more direct and stern. 2) For those who have responded with more of a direct and stern admonition...I appreciate those responses as well. It's not that I didn't know all of the things that were said here. Of course I knew. This was my professional field before I ever had kids! And believe me when I tell you, I had quite a harsh attitude towards abusive parents. Even more shocking when I became one myself. Hearing that judgement from others is more of a wake up call to me. But, having been on this side of the coin now, I have more of an understanding of abusive parents. It's really opened my eyes, and should I ever return to my profession, I think I will probably be all the better at it, having experienced this side. It's one thing to sit and discuss with an abusive parent, how to not be abusive, when you've never been abusive yourself. It's another thing, when you've felt that rage. I understand better now, where it comes from. 3) Yes, involving my daughter in helping me to stay calm is putting some of the burden on her shoulders. Yes, it's unfair that, at age 7, she should have that responsibility. However...my overall job as her parent is to prepare her for the future. Someday, in her future life, it is likely that she will encounter somebody who will attempt to treat her much like I have. Whether it's a future boss, a playmate on the playground, a future boyfriend. And if that's all she's known from me, she will think it's normal and acceptable. So yes, absolutely, it's my responsibility to fix myself and get help. But the message to her is, "You don't have to tolerate that kind of treatment....from anybody." While most here seem to disagree with the approach I've chosen, I disagree with your disagreement. I'm empowering her to stand up for herself. Certainly, I am not absolved from my own responsibilities to control my own emotions and behavior. But overcoming rage is not an overnight thing and in the meantime, she has to know that she has the right to say, "No, you won't talk to me this way." Whether she's saying it to me, or some kid on the playground, or a future boyfriend. ****Yesterday and today have been much better. It's not that the frustrations haven't been there, they have. Yesterday I felt a bit of that rage starting to build, but was able to push it away. She's right now on her second attempt at putting a series of numbers in order. And as soon as I finish here, I'm going to sit with her and walk her through it again. Putting this out here has been helpful, in and of itself. Hearing from other moms who are struggling with the same thing (either struggling with rage, or struggling with school an LD child) has been helpful. Again, I thank all of you for participating and offering suggestions and kind words.

That's a good question about the ages, Tohru. Currently, my plan is to repeat her for 1st grade for the upcoming school year. Assuming the school dept doesn't say anything, I'll be testing her at the beginning of 4th grade, but still submitting a written narrative for that year's final assessment. Then, I'll be assessing her at the end of 5th grade and submitting those test results. She needs to demonstrate either a composite score of 30% or a year's growth compared to the 4th grade scores. So as long as her 5th grade overall score is higher than the 4th grade overall score, she's good. That's also a great suggestion on the umbrella school. We do actually have one in town. I'll look into whether or not having her enrolled with them would absolve us of the standardized testing requirements. I hate that we even have to think about standardized testing for her...but it is what it is.

I'll tell ya...we were REALLY concerned about leaving the 13 yr job DH had, to take the position with the national company. DH did take a slight pay cut per hour, but ultimately, I'm telling ya, the Lord really provided. He would have maybe 2-6 hours of overtime a week with his previous company, and now...he averages 10-15 hours of overtime. We're making a LOT more since we relocated. Plus, the area we relocated to has an overall lower cost of living. We slashed our mortgage in half, but purchased a house five times the space we had before, multiplied our land space, slashed our monthly bills, etc. Even our taxes are lower, which is saying a lot, because where we live now is known for HIGH taxes. But it's still lower than where we were. There are some really good paying positions with the gas and oil drilling platforms, too. Driving positions. But DH won't touch them with a 10' pole because those gas and oil companies eat drivers up and spit them out. They'll often require drivers to do illegal stuff, and fire them if they won't. Not all of the companies, but good luck guessing which ones are good and which ones are bad...and unfortunately, a lot of the drivers that drive for them won't necessarily tell you the truth (because if it's bad, they don't want to get in trouble for having driven illegally). DH and I talked about it late last year when a new guy started at his current place. This guy spent just a couple of years with the gas drilling company and was able to pay off his house...and we were thinking, "Gosh, how GREAT would that be?!?!" Just a couple of years of sacrifice but to not have a mortgage would be so awesome. But when we thought about what DH might end up sacrificing...and the impact it might have on his license. It wasn't worth it.

Glad I could help!!! We'd hate it if DH had to go over the road. Luckily, he never has. He's had some late days, where he's at now, but he's home every day and the bennies are terrific. I know Airgas has tons of openings right now. And Praxair has new openings pretty much daily. Good luck!!!!

My husband is a truck driver and he is home daily. If I can make a suggestion, it would be to encourage your husband to get his haz-mat, tanker, and doubles and triples endorsements and then to seek employment with a company that handles compressed cylinder gases, such as Praxair or Airgas, or any of the smaller mom and pop places. If relocating is not a problem for you guys, and he has those endorsements, he can pretty much write his own ticket with one of these companies. Praxair looks for more experienced drivers, but they'll take a new guy if they can't find anybody. Airgas is more likely to take a new driver on. My husband spent 13 years with a mom and pop cylinder place and then we relocated several states away for a position with a national cylinder company. His place is Union, too...so extra bonus. He's home every day, he is near the top rate of pay for a home every day driver, and he has excellent retirement and job security. Doesn't get much better than that!

Apologies for taking a few days to get back to everyone. Aside from having a super busy weekend, I wanted to take some time to process everything that was said and suggested. First...many many thanks to you all for reading this, contributing ideas and suggestions, and just relating. I appreciate that you took time out to assist. A few things. Public school is really not an option. Our school district is not a fantastic one and aside from that, my husband is very very much against it. Having been a severe dyslexic himself, being educated in a public school was torture for him. His needs were just not met. At all. And while we all know that things are better today, the truth is, it isn't always. Yes, I've gone back and forth in my own mind....which is the better situation for my daughter....a public school that is probably not equipped to meet her learning needs, where she will likely be ridiculed by her peers, feel bad about herself because she can't keep up with her same age peers, and be exposed to peer influences that we prefer her to not be exposed to. Or, schooling at home, with a mom who loses her cool with her. But at least at home, we can try different approaches. We can take all the time she needs to work on a concept. And she's not dealing with the negative peer influences and interactions. And why should she HAVE to? I'm an adult...it's MY responsibility to get my own emotions and reactions under control. She shouldn't have to sacrifice a single thing because I'm having a hard time controlling my anger with her. I need to grow up and get ahold of myself. Tutoring is something that I think would be quite helpful. We do live pretty rural, and I would love suggestions on how to find a tutor that won't break the bank. At the risk of sounding like I'm in denial over my own anger issues....I honestly don't generally have an anger problem! This is a pretty isolated situation and it quite shocks me when it happens because otherwise, I'm a very laid back person. It drives my husband nuts! Prior to having my own children, I worked in a group home for children ages 6-12 with severe behavioral disabilities. I mean, these were the hardest of the hard! Kids that spent much of their time trying to hurt each other, themselves, and us staff. And I never felt my anger rise up the way it does with my daughter. Those of you that said it stems from fear...I think you hit the nail on the head. And it's not really an anger with HER...it's an anger with my own inability to teach her. To fix her. I hate seeing her struggle. I hate it. You are correct that I need to accept her for how she was created. I mentioned the standardized testing. We are a testing requirement state and starting in the 4th/5th grade, she will need to demonstrate a level of proficiency on standardized testing, or we risk probation. That DOES terrify me. She still struggles with counting! I know, it's a couple of years away...but it's always in the back of my mind. Counseling...ok...my concern with getting anger management counseling, or taking this to any kind of professional is the possibility of being reported! DD's learning disabilties are diagnosed. She's had a complete neuropsychological workup. She's been assessed for developmental vision issues, OT issues, sensory issues, etc. She has an IEP with the school district for testing accommodations (too bad they don't nix the requirement for her), and for consultation on an as needed basis with the school's spec ed teachers. We do use that consultation piece. Her ADHD is also diagnosed but she is not medicated because she does not have the hyperactive piece. She's just distracted. I, on the other hand, am medicated for ADHD and have been since I was 5 years old, save the years I was having babies. Sometimes, I feel like the meds may actually make me MORE angry. It's something I'll talk about with my PCP. So the other night when I posted this thread, before bed, I took my sweet girl aside for a chat. I told her that I was sorry for losing my temper during school, yet again. That it was a sin for me to treat her the way that I did, that I was wrong and that I didn't want her to allow me, or anybody to talk to her in that way. I told her that she deserves better than that, and she has the right to stand up and politely ask for that. I asked her if she would help me to remember to use gentle words when I'm feeling angry. I told her that if she sees me starting to become angry or frustrated, that she could tell me, "Mommy, please build me up with your words." I told her that she could also politely remind me, "Mommy, it's not ok for you to talk to me this way." I KNOW that my verbal assaults of her are setting her up for a lifetime of co-dependency and allowing herself to be treated this way by others. I hope that I can give her the tools to stand up and not allow herself to be treated this way, by me, or by anybody. I thought about whether it was fair to give her this responsibility, kwim? It's not her job to control the reactions of others. But after thinking about it for awhile, the conclusion I came to is that it's really important for her to be able to stand up and say, "No, you're not going to treat me this way." And for my own part, I feel pretty confident that her saying such a thing to me will be the reminder I need to step aside and compose myself. I appreciate so much, being able to come here anonymously and post about this. It's been a big burden lifted and I hope that, now that it's out in the open, I can get myself to a place where I'm not assaulting my daughter with words. Because I hate being in that place. It really sucks. I love her little face so much, and its my job to protect her, and to be the one hurting her...it kills me. Again, thanks to everyone who took time to respond.

Well, I think a lot of my anger actually boils down to this particular point. It matters to me. Why? I don't know. I feel like I'm failing her, by not being able to teach her how to compare numbers. It's so silly, I know. But at some point, she will need to take standardized testing. Over a year, now, we've been working on understanding basic number sense. How is she ever going to pass standardized testing? How will she manage her family's budget, one day. How will she manage her own finances?

I am posting this anonymously because I'm so ashamed, but I really need some help. I am a regular poster here, and fairly new to homeschooling. I have a 7 yr old DD with some learning disabilities. I also have three other children, ages 6, 5 and 4. None of them have ever been in a classroom for school. My daughter's learning disabilties have me in a place where I am just so frustrated with her that I am losing control of my anger. I am saying things to her that are terrible. And if I'm not saying it out loud, I'm feeling it and thinking it. I hate myself for it. It's a disgusting thing to do and I grew up in a home like this and swore I would never do the same to my own children. And for the most part, I've been able to hold true to that...this isn't an issue with my boys. I promise myself that I won't lose my patience with her. That, when she forgets (again) that 8 is more than 2, I'll take deep breaths. Or we'll put it aside. Or pray about it. But something inside of me just snaps. It's like a whole different me. The look on her face, when I've been verbally abusive towards her, haunts me. And it should. Because it's a terrible thing to do. And I want to stop, but I just can't seem to! What kind of mom am I? She is my only little girl and I love her to pieces and I should be building her up, not tearing her down. Not making her feel like crap about herself. Not making her feel stupid (even if those words don't come out of my mouth, the meaning is there). Afterwards, I'll take her aside, and apologize and tell her that I was wrong to say those things and that I love her very much. And I'll feel terribly guilty and promise myself that it won't happen again. And for a few days at least, I'll be fine. But then it builds up. The frustration of not being able to help her get over some of these LD humps. Questioning whether I have it in me to teach her, or should I send her to public school (something that my husband and I are adamently opposed to, for a number of reasons). In so many ways, she reminds me of myself. She is ADHD (inattentive, not hyperactive) and she can never seem to "get it right" with anything in life. She's the one who constantly spills, constantly makes mistakes, stains clothes, breaks things, bumps into people, etc. Generally, she's making the wrong choice and getting into trouble because she doesn't think through anything that she does. She's so me. I know exactly how she feels, when she's made the wrong choice, yet again. Except....I had the benefit of being a gifted student and was able to use my academic giftedness to cover for my ADHD tendencies. She doesn't have that....because in addition to the ADHD, she has significant math disabilties and general spatial weaknesses. Nothing in school comes easily for her. Nothing. I find myself screaming at her. "How can you not know this?!?!?! This is baby math! It's counting!!! We've covered this so.many.times.before!!!!" And it's the truth....we have covered it so many times before. And she still doesn't get it. Even when I sit with her and go over it point by point, and she seems to get it...five minutes later....she doesn't get it. And sometimes, she'll master a topic. She'll really actually master it! Consistently demonstrate that she "gets" it. She might have that topic mastered for weeks...sometimes even months. But then all of a sudden...*poof* it's gone. "I don't know what number comes after 25..." or "56 is less than 8..." I just want to scream!!!! But I'll patiently work with her and work with her...but I can feel the pressure building, until I get to a point of rage. "HOW CAN YOU TELL ME THAT 3 IS MORE THAN 8?!?!!? WE JUST TALKED ABOUT IT!!!!" Walk away? How will she ever learn this fundamental aspect of mathematics if I walk away every time she has difficulty with the concept? How will she ever learn anything about anything if I have to walk away and put it aside, every time she struggles with the concept? She struggles with ALL concepts. We'd never get anywhere in her schooling. Is there anybody else out there that can relate? Is there anybody who can offer advice on how I can overcome my own rage? Maybe just putting this out here will help me to be accountable. I don't know. I just know I need help and there's not really anybody in my real world network that I can turn to. How can you turn to your church, or your best friend and ask for help with not verbally abusing your kid? If you can relate, or can offer advice, please do. I don't know what else to do. I love my daughter, and I hate how I am reacting towards her. This has gone on long enough and it needs to stop, so we can start healing our relationship before it gets to a point of permanent damage. Please help.