Uh oh...did I just become "that" MIL? :(

[Twinmom]

My DSS and his long time girlfriend had a surprise, beautiful baby boy about six months ago. I say surprise because it was totally not what they had planned and they were financially not at all ready for the pregnancy. However, they love each other, are well into adulthood and have supportive families, so they had the baby and stayed together...planning to marry when finances get better and the baby is older. My "DIL" is a lovely young woman whom I did not know well before the baby, but whom I have come to have what I consider a close but long distance relationship with. Their stress level is enormous, for obvious reasons, so we have tried to help financially and emotionally where we could. I offer a lot more than they will accept...one of the reasons I keep offering! They are doing their level best to make it on their own and so appreciate whatever others do to help them.

 

All that to say...issues have cropped up. I am not surprised, but I had hoped they would not have to deal with either issue. DIL seeks me out on a regular basis, so I kinda know what is up most of the time. She has been under so much stress, and now it appears that she has PPD. It also appears to me that the baby has plagiocephaly...I've had a baby with it, so I know what to look for and I see it in spades here. Apparently, her Medicaid provider told her he would "grow out of it." Both issues came up in conversation naturally, but still...being me, the LCSW with four special needs kids...I am the one most likely to talk about the issues and I worry that I said too much. (I probably started the plagiocephaly conversation, but she sought me out over the depression but wasn't talking PPD until I mentioned it.) She has no insurance, no money, so I offered to pay for a doctor's appointment for both issues if she wanted to go and to pay for the entire plagiocephaly treatment if it proved necessary (Medicaid won't cover). She hasn't responded yet, so I don't know how she took either issue. The baby is also up for three to four feedings a night and she is SO tired! He weighs 20 lbs and I'm sure he could go longer...for her sake. She complained about it, so I told her when she felt better, I'd be happy to tell her a few things that helped with my babies if she'd like.

 

I guess what I am worried about is being a meddling MIL. Last thing she needs is criticism and I do my best to be verbally as supportive of everything as I can...I well remember young momma days. I try to always tell her how great she is doing, that I'm thinking that she is amazing, the baby is awesome, etc. I just don't want to be "that" MIL, but the two main issues are serious and she seems to be in so much pain. In addition, they are in different cities right now due to a move in progress, and she is on her own. I just want her to know that she is doing okay but that we are here for her if she needs us.

 

Probably the best thing to do right now is to shut up now and see how she responds, right? Did I mess up here by mentioning things at all or did I do okay? So worried about them both...

[fairfarmhand]

I'd probably send her a note saying, "Hey, I was thinking it over and I feel like I may have overstepped. The offer still stands, but I want you to know that there are no strings attached and I will stand by you no matter what you decide. I apologize for sticking my oar in uninvited. Above all, I want what is best for you and baby, and that sometimes makes me jump into things without considering that I might be going too far with my help or advice."

[Cosmos]

It sounds like she is lucky to have you in her life. :)

 

If she is turning to you for support and advice, you are doing just fine. If you are even slightly worried about being a meddling MIL, then chances are you aren't. The meddling ones don't even get the concept.

[freeindeed]

I think you are doing a beautiful job as a MIL. I can clearly see love in your intentions as opposed to just being meddlesome. If you don't hear from her for a few days, just call to check on her and the baby and leave the next move up to her.

[Flowing Brook]

I think you sound like a wonderful mother in law. If you are worried you can call and apologize if you overstepped. If she is coming to you talking about things then I don't think it is overstepping to give recommendations.

[fraidycat]

I'd probably send her a note saying, "Hey, I was thinking it over and I feel like I may have overstepped. The offer still stands, but I want you to know that there are no strings attached and I will stand by you no matter what you decide. I apologize for sticking my oar in uninvited. Above all, I want what is best for you and baby, and that sometimes makes me jump into things without considering that I might be going too far with my help or advice."

I think you sound like a wonderful mother in law. If you are worried you can call and apologize if you overstepped. If she is coming to you talking about things then I don't think it is overstepping to give recommendations.

 

I agree with these. Say what is said in the first post, but in a phone call, not a note.

 

*I* do not think you overstepped, but a hormonal, PPD mother might and if you are worried that you have, then I'd take the first available opportunity to remedy the situation.

[ashfern]

:grouphug: You sound like a great MIL.

[Parrothead]

I don't think you overstepped at all.

[Rosyl]

She has ppd, she probably feels really sensitive about everything. I think that you wouldn't be wrong making sure she didn't have extra sensitive feelings.

The previous poster who recommended shooting an email had a good idea.

 

Looking back over 23 years, I think that my mil problems come when mils step over the line and never apologizes and one incident piggy backs another until there are a whole lot of issues and even more unforgiveness.(and I am sure this goes both ways)

 

I think that you are starting your mil gig with a lot of grace. keep up the good work.

[Twinmom]

 

 

 

I agree with these. Say what is said in the first post, but in a phone call, not a note.

 

*I* do not think you overstepped, but a hormonal, PPD mother might and if you are worried that you have, then I'd take the first available opportunity to remedy the situation.

 

 

Yep, that's pretty much where I was going with this.

 

[elegantlion]

It sounds like she is lucky to have you in her life. :)

 

If she is turning to you for support and advice, you are doing just fine. If you are even slightly worried about being a meddling MIL, then chances are you aren't. The meddling ones don't even get the concept.

 

 

I agree.

 

I don't think you overstepped. If she looks to you for advice already, that's a good sign.

 

It sucks to be young and broke and uninsured and concerned about health issues. BTDT. In our family, my mother assumes a more active role in our lives and would have done as you did. My MIL however has a more hands off approach, but she still cares, it just shows in a different manner.

 

A phone call wouldn't hurt. Just reiterate that you care about her and the baby and want to help out however she feels is best.

[Twinmom]

Thanks, everyone! You made me feel so much better! I did shoot her a text message...best way for her, really...and apologized. She shot one right back and said she had just had a friend stop by and she was totally fine with the discussion. She does agree that she needs to see a doctor for the PPD and says she'll let me pay for it.

 

Whew. I was worried there for a minute.

[lmrich]

My MIL is a nurse, and she never offered advice even when I ask. It drives me crazy! Sometimes it seems like she is trying so hard not to mettle that she appears not to care at all. If she asks for advice - give it. Especially if you have experience, if she just needs someone to talk to then listen.

It sounds like you are doing your honest best, and you sound like you truly care for her.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: drop a note or call tomorrow checking on her and letting her know you're worried about her, you love her and you want to help her. reassure her things will get better, but there are things to do to get better faster. (you have more experience than her, and one day she will be in your position and have more experience than her future dil.) and that you want her to be happy, so you want to help her so things will get better faster and she can just enjoy her baby.

[Tammyla]

I'm a bit late, but you sound like a pretty good mil to me.

[melissad2]

Can you be my mil? :)

[LibraryLover]

You seem to be doing the best you can. Give yourself a break.

[Twinmom]

Can you be my mil? :)

 

 

So sweet!

[Mama Geek]

My MIL and I see things very differently in almost everything. She is very pushy and tries to be controlling and she hasn't apoligized for much of anything. She has tried to start fights with me.

 

It is very different when you have a good relationship to offer help and guidance. Let her know what options are out there and how you are willing to help, but let her make her own decisions. If you can both continue to show respect for each other you'll be just fine and being willing to apoligize even if you are only maybe in the wrong is a good thing too.

[happymomofboys]

I wish my MIL meddled. That is all.

[Lilaclady]

I think you are doing great as a MIL. Just keep the lines of communication open and if you feel discomfort about a discussion, it is always nice to bring it up and clear up anything before it gets misinterpreted and escalates. All the best and congrats on your grand baby.

[In the Rain]

You sound like a loving MIL and Grandma.

[Impish]

As someone who's MIL just announced in a ph call the other day, "I'm praying that the baby is normal. And healthy." I'd say you're doing fantastic.

[Carrie12345]

I wish I had someone to give me advice when asked.

I do have an advice-giving compulsion, though! Once I recognized that, I began doing my best to come right out and ask "Do you want my advice, or do you want a shoulder and an ear?"

[Twinmom]

I wish I had someone to give me advice when asked.

I do have an advice-giving compulsion, though! Once I recognized that, I began doing my best to come right out and ask "Do you want my advice, or do you want a shoulder and an ear?"

 

I did tell her yesterday that I have a big mouth and to tell me to shut up any time she likes!! :)

 

My trouble is...I know too much. Between my degree/work experience and my own adoptions of special needs kids, I'm quite the encyclopedia! Most of the time, I know when to shut my own mouth. However, when something is serious, it's hard for me to butt out. Working on it! PPD is serious, ya know? I'm glad she is open to talking about it, because I hate to see her suffering needlessly when I can afford to help.

 

 

[Twinmom]

As someone who's MIL just announced in a ph call the other day, "I'm praying that the baby is normal. And healthy." I'd say you're doing fantastic.

 

I think of your posts often when I think of what NOT to do! ;)

[Lady Florida.]

It sounds like you're doing fine. The fact that you can go to her and say "Hey, I have a big mouth. Tell me to shut up." shows you have a good relationship. Hopefully it also means that she won't be afraid to speak when she does think you overstepped.

 

As far as the plagiocephaly, maybe she shouldn't give up. My niece's son had it and Medicaid covered a helmet. I think he was around a year old when he got it, so maybe they do wait a bit. If it doesn't resolve itself, perhaps you can suggest that she try again to get them to cover it.

[Twinmom]

It sounds like you're doing fine. The fact that you can go to her and say "Hey, I have a big mouth. Tell me to shut up." shows you have a good relationship. Hopefully it also means that she won't be afraid to speak when she does think you overstepped.

 

As far as the plagiocephaly, maybe she shouldn't give up. My niece's son had it and Medicaid covered a helmet. I think he was around a year old when he got it, so maybe they do wait a bit. If it doesn't resolve itself, perhaps you can suggest that she try again to get them to cover it.

 

That's good to hear! I've never heard about Medicaid being willing to cover a helmet. I really do think he needs it, based on DS's experience. If it were simply a minor "flat head," I could see waiting. This, however, is the sideways tilt with misaligned ears and protruding forehead. In my experience, that doesn't fix itself and has issues beyond the cosmetic.

 

I don't want to mention that issue again for a while, though...poor gal is hurting enough and doesn't need to worry that something is wrong with her baby. I could better discuss that issue with DSS, who tends to be unemotional about stuff, is enough older than DIL that he's pretty secure in himself...and he's not post-partum! ;) When they are done moving, I'll bring it up to him privately and let him know we are serious about paying if they want to go for an eval. They have just moved close enough to the clinic we used to go there, so it should be an easy discussion.

[Impish]

I think of your posts often when I think of what NOT to do! ;)

Yeah, I suppose my standards are tragically low :lol:

[ktgrok]

Thanks, everyone! You made me feel so much better! I did shoot her a text message...best way for her, really...and apologized. She shot one right back and said she had just had a friend stop by and she was totally fine with the discussion. She does agree that she needs to see a doctor for the PPD and says she'll let me pay for it.

 

Whew. I was worried there for a minute.

 

Thank goodness! She really does need to see a doctor for the PPD. If she realizes she has it it is probably pretty bad. Can you talk to your son to make sure he realizes how important this is, and makes the time to maybe go with her to the doctor if she wants? And maybe you could have a heart to heart with him about helping her get some sleep? Personally, if she is nursing I wouldn't try to schedule anything or sleep train right now, her nerves are shot as it is and that would be more stress. But, he could get up and bring the baby to her, so she can just roll over, nurse, and go back to sleep. Or maybe he could sleep on the couch or in the guest room for a few nights so she has room and can just sleep with the baby in bed for a few nights...my husband has done that a few times and it makes SUCH a difference...I'm able to just doze and feed and the baby sleeps longer and harder with me right there. A few nights a week could make a big difference. And he could take the baby in the morning on the weekends, after she has fed him first, and she could go back to sleep for a few hours. A few naps/sleeping in can really help. And by talking to him as his mom you aren't overstepping boundaries with her. Of course just suggest it, like, "hey, I know DIL is having a rough time...I had a few ideas of ways you could help her, if you are interested. I know what it is like to be a new mom."

 

Also, I wonder if because of the depression the baby is spending more time than he should in the bouncy seat/etc..I know that can effect the head flattening. Maybe send a nice baby carrier as a gift? Might make life easier, and help with the head thing as a soft carrier won't put pressure like a stroller/car seat/etc when out doing errands.

[bobbeym]

Based on the fact that you're concerned about overstepping your bounds and willing to tell her to tell you to shut up, I think you're doing a great job as a MIL.

 

I'm so glad she's agreed to seek treatment for the PPD. I found out in my 30s, after being diagnosed with clinical depression, that my own mom thought I had PPD with my oldest a decade or so earlier. She didn't feel it was "her place" to say anything to either me or DH about it though. :confused1: Of course, I'd been battling depression since I was 12 so apparently my mom really was that clueless. All I could do was tell her that I WISH she HAD said something, because it would have made that entire decade plus some so very different if I'd been treated back then.

[AMJ]

It sounds to me like you are a real gem of an MIL, and she has her hands more than full. Is there any chance you could go visit her for a bit to lend a hand? Help with the housework a bit, take care of the baby while Mommy sleeps a bit, offer to drive to doctor's appointments? You both can agree on a set length of your stay so no one feels like it will be forever, but you could give her a spell of much needed relief. While you are there you would also have a chance to suss up her support situation, and see if there's anything that can be set up to help ease her load after you go back home.

 

Most new parents are wary of two things: depending on others and not carrying the load they signed on for, and too much well-meant interference from others. This makes it very hard to know when to ask for help and when to firmly but nicely say "Thank you, but no." Your talks with her are already helping. She seeks you out, and you share your experience and perspective. I am very fortunate to have a similar MIL, and extra fortunate that they live so close. There are times when I don't know what I would have done had I not had at hand such a good support network.

 

There are some things in life we simply cannot comprehend until we go through them. New parenthood is one of them. Be there for her as much as you can. Keep offering, even when declined. Tell her you don't mind being told "no", and that all offers still stand if she wishes to reconsider at ANY time. Let her know you will always be there, and you respect her role as parent and her desire to handle this. Same goes for your son, too -- I've only been talking about your DIL because you mentioned they are temporarily apart and she has the baby (practical reasons).

 

Hang in there. You are doing a great job as MIL!

[ktgrok]

I agree with scheduling a visit if you can. Or can you pay for a post partum doula, mother's helper, or cleaning service? Also, if she doesn't have any other mom friends can you help her find a mom's group? That tribe of emotional support can be just as important as the physical help of someone cleaning/cooking/etc. Oooh, a gift certificate to a take out place near there would also be a huge help I bet! Lots of places let you buy them online.

 

It is said that in some cultures PPD doesn't really exist...and those are cultures where the mom is totally cared for after birth..where she isn't expected to cook/clean/or take care of anyone but the baby for the first month approximately. I think that is so crucial, but how many mom's in our culture get anything close to that?

 

I wouldn't worry about meddling, I'd just help. When you have depression everything is overwhelming..trying to look up a doctor, make an appointment, etc is hard. Finding a cleaning service is hard. etc etc. Just send her some gift certificates, and offer to schedule her appointments for her. It will be a blessing.

[Arcadia]

OP,

 

I think it is great you offer advice and help and I don't think you are overstepping at all.

 

It is said that in some cultures PPD doesn't really exist...and those are cultures where the mom is totally cared for after birth..where she isn't expected to cook/clean/or take care of anyone but the baby for the first month approximately. I think that is so crucial, but how many mom's in our culture get anything close to that?

 

 

For chinese, it is the first 100 days but has been shortened to one month for economical reasons. Still PPD exist, some people are more prone to depression and have PPD for a year.