Bensmom Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 My dh and I have been foster parents (once) and have had multiple failed adoptions. Dh's uncle and "aunt" (common-law marriage) are raising her granddaughter who is 9. The aunt is dying (cancer) and dh's uncle does not feel that he can raise this child alone. Because they knew we are pro-adoption, they thought we would be the logical choice of people to ask to raise their granddaughter. We have never met this child, but they are asking that we come get her for Thanksgiving, keep her a week, and at the end of that week meet with an attorney to sign guardianship papers. (Dh's aunt has legal guardianship and they feel a sense of urgency b/c she is terminal. Also dh's uncle has a felony charge on his record - from over 20 yrs. ago- and doesn't believe that he could be granted guardianship even if he felt confident in raising her alone) Dh feels that though she is not biologically family, she is "family" and it is a no brainer. I agree that I would take our nieces or nephews, if need be, without batting an eye. However, I am very stressed because we don't know this child. I am also concerned about her age. If she were tiny, I probably wouldn't hesitate. She just turned 9 and is 8 months younger than our son (only child). What says the Hive? What questions should we be asking? Anyone familiar with legal options for this child? Should we "try her out" for one week at Thanksgiving and "return" her if she doesn't fit our family? Should we commit "sight unseen" because she is "family?" Your thoughts and prayers are most welcome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 fostering comes with it's own challenges I'm sure and many times you don't often know the whole story behind a child's upbringin. She's a child and one that seems to have had a fairly solid upbringing being with family. Having her continue to stay within her family would be better than putting her into the system. My DH was adopted when he was 6. He will tell you that the foster system can be horrible. He was a heathen of a child (he admits and his mother laments, lol) but they loved him and raised him as their own. He is a well adjusted adult and has a great head on his sholders. I would do it, in a heartbeat... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 I'd take her if I could talk my husband into it. Family is family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 It's such a difficult situation to just have dropped in your lap. W/out knowing the child's history, etc, I honestly couldn't say one way or another. My gut reaction is to commit. That being said, not knowing what she's gone through, what therapies she may have had, what difficulties she may be dealing w/, I couldn't judge if we'd be able to give and be what she needs. I'd need to know so much more about the situation before I could be confident w/any decision. Of course, my situation is very different than yours. I have 4 kids at home, youngest just turned a yr yesterday, and another on the way, so that def impacts what needs we could/couldn't meet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 My dh and I have been foster parents (once) and have had multiple failed adoptions. Dh's uncle and "aunt" (common-law marriage) are raising her granddaughter who is 9. The aunt is dying (cancer) and dh's uncle does not feel that he can raise this child alone. Because they knew we are pro-adoption, they thought we would be the logical choice of people to ask to raise their granddaughter. We have never met this child, but they are asking that we come get her for Thanksgiving, keep her a week, and at the end of that week meet with an attorney to sign guardianship papers. (Dh's aunt has legal guardianship and they feel a sense of urgency b/c she is terminal. Also dh's uncle has a felony charge on his record - from over 20 yrs. ago- and doesn't believe that he could be granted guardianship even if he felt confident in raising her alone) Dh feels that though she is not biologically family, she is "family" and it is a no brainer. I agree that I would take our nieces or nephews, if need be, without batting an eye. However, I am very stressed because we don't know this child. I am also concerned about her age. If she were tiny, I probably wouldn't hesitate. She just turned 9 and is 8 months younger than our son (only child). What says the Hive? What questions should we be asking? Anyone familiar with legal options for this child? Should we "try her out" for one week at Thanksgiving and "return" her if she doesn't fit our family? Should we commit "sight unseen" because she is "family?" Your thoughts and prayers are most welcome! This statement bothers me. She is not a product you can disregard if she does not fit. I am sure your family will be a a trial for her also, she will need to adjust to your personalities and such just like you to her. To 'try her out to see if she fits'...bleh...maybe she will think your family is not one she would want to live with. She is family and you take care of family no questions. You all need to work together to make a new family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 As long as she doesn't have a history of delinquent behavior (drugs, drinking, peer molestation, stealing, starting fires) I would do it sight unseen, personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 I think this is an ideal situation for an older child adoption. She is family. You will know what she's been through, how she's been raised, etc. Yes, I would do it in a heartbeat and that is saying something because I would NEVER adopt an older child from the system... primarily because I grew up with foster children as siblings (my parents were the foster parents); what we, the biological children, went through at the hands of the foster children was, well, unspeakable on many levels. BUT, these children (in the system) often came from horrific backgrounds, abuse, serious neglect... and oft times the caseworker either didn't know the entire background (because caseworkers were shuffled around) or weren't allowed to tell my parents the child's background, making it difficult to prepare or help. This, though, I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 I agree, but that's why I think it should be decided before hand if they want to commit to something like this or not. It should not matter what her issues are. Like when you decide to have a child, you will not know if there will be issues. You can't really know that. And it can happen at any time. So you decide if you are willing to take that risk for the long haul. At least that is how I see it. And yes, while it is family, it's not the sort of family that puts it in the "automatic yes" category. If this were a sister's daughter then absolutely. But unfortunately, some kids can have issues that make them dangerous for others in the home. So yeah, I'd say that as much as I'd want to commit off the bat, I'd need to know fully, what is going on. I couldn't risk endangering my other kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 I would do it. But I'd know going in that it would be hard. The loss of her de facto mom and the disruption of her home life all at the same time - at an age when many girls start to get hormonal - no matter whom she goes to live with, it will be hard. Be prepared. Best of luck to all involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Of there are no significant challenging behaviors that would disrupt my current children, I would do it without hesitation. What are the other options for this child? Are they better than your family? If there are challenging behaviors, I would spend a lot of time getting histories, talking with the current therapist, etc. then I would probably still do it, depending on my own family's needs. And yes, I would most certainly take her for a weekend first, to see how it goes for you, but also to help her get to know you. "Trying it out," is most certainly appropriate and almost always done with older children. It's as much for them as it is for you. (Our girls were just shy of their 5th birthday when we got them. They are 10 now and I would never take another child without trying it for a few weekends first. I would want to make sure it was successful for everyone involved.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Yeah it seems fair to be made aware of any major issues. But that isn't going to be determined after a one week fun visit. KWIM? Oh, completely...but it would absolutely impact my ability to commit, and prevent me from doing so blindly, kwim? Just being family wouldn't be enough. Ensuring there were no safety issues, no behavioural issues that I didn't feel I could help w/effectively, that would be the deciding factors more than anything else. Basically, it would boil down to, would this work for everyone? I'm not talking unicorns and rainbows, but could I give this child whatever she needed, and still have the kids I already have be safe, emotionally and physically. Honestly, I'd be asking about any issues BEFORE the visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 I'd probably do it. If I was willing to take an old friend's 10yo daughter, I'd certainly be willing to help with any of my family members' children (step, or biological), barring some major issues, that is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeFe Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 :grouphug: What a tough situation for everyone. :grouphug: On one hand it seems ideal. But I know you're aware of the issues that can occur with adoption. I guess it comes down to if you're willing to love her through the tough times - no matter what part of your life they might affect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie Sue Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Can you see her more frequently than just the week at Thanksgiving? Regular visits would make the transition so much easier, especially as her grandma/mom will likely be less and less able to care for her. I would take her, she needs you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rutamattatt Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Can you see her more frequently than just the week at Thanksgiving? Regular visits would make the transition so much easier, especially as her grandma/mom will likely be less and less able to care for her. I would take her, she needs you! This was my thought. One week together is probably not an ideal transition in that you probably won't learn as much about her and how she will interact honestly with your family in that time frame to make it permanent shortly afterward. I don't know if you live near enough that you could take a little longer to get to know her and her to get to know you all? Is there perhaps a social worker or an adoption counselor who could help you all come up with a plan for transition that would be most beneficial to everyone? As far as would I? Yes, I probably would, but like others have said there are A LOT of factors to consider. Of course, we adopted a 13 year old girl from another country, so we are a bit crazy like that. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Do you know the reasons that she is being cared for by grandma? How long has she been in their care? If she has been in constant care by grandma since birth I would not bat an eye. If she has been with grandma for quite a while and according to medical information has attached and is healthy I would do it instantly. But I would be concerned and want a LOT more information is she is being cared for by grandma due to abuse or if she has been in care for just a short time. The other thing I would want to ensure is that she can still have contact with her grandma until her death and attend the funeral. Hopefully she has established a strong attachment and will need to grieve the loss of her grandma who was her primary care giver. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 These are things I would consider. (We considered private, fostercare, and international adoption in 2004 and I interviewed lots of people who had done each version.) I'm not advocating adopting or not adopting this child, I'm just pointing out things I think you should consider. 1. Granny (who is mom to the child) is dying. There will be a grieving process for the child and it might not be pretty. Or at least you'd better hope there's one. Children who don't go through the grieving process sometimes hold it in until they are older and it's usually worse causing very cold, detached behavior or very violent behavior. Go in understanding what that could mean with a 9 year old who will have been twice placed. My youngest is adopted from S. Korea, placed with a foster family at 10 days old until she arrived in the US at 7 months old. She was doted on like a grandchild by her foster family. She went through all the stages of grief losing her foster mother and it was awful. She had night terrors and serious sleep issues for a couple of years. This is common in that situation according to the attachment therapist who works with the agency. 2. At some point the child was placed with Granny. Was the child exposed to any chemical substances in utero? A highly stressful in utero or infancy before going to Granny's? Are there mental health issues with either bio parent or their immediate families? Could either bio parent legally come for the child later? Do you really know what was going on with this kid from conception until now? Even children placed at birth with no history of utero exposures can have RAD and significant learning or behavioral issues. There are no guarantees. 3. This would be a new transition. Even if the transition from bio-mom to Granny went smoothly early on that does not guarantee there will be a smooth transition from Granny to you after Granny dies even if the child has no history of behavioral problems. This in an of itself could trigger problems. Those problems could be minor or severe-there's no way to predict them. That will affect the family dynamic in the home-especially your child. I have other questions specific to this situation: 1. What is the alternative if you don't take her at all? 2. What is the alternative if you take her for a while and don't choose to adopt her? 3. What will you tell her when her current "dad" (Granny's live in) doesn't try to keep her? Will there be rejection issues there? How will you handle them? Will there be visitation? What if, after losing the child he does his homework and finds out he might have a chance to keep her and the loss of her motivates him to do what it takes to get her back? I don't know if that's a possibility, but I'd check it out before hand. 4. If you do take the child and later there are safety issues to your other child, what will you do? I personally know someone who chose to give her adopted son back to fostercare because he tried to kill one of the other children in the home. He was 7. I met people whose foster or adopted child had sexually assaulted other children in the home. I also know several people who had smooth transitions and the children they already had the new adopted kids adore each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snow Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Why do you want another child through adoption? To make a difference in the life of a child without a home? To share your love and raise another human being? I imagine there are many possible questions along these lines and you may find her age and history is irrelevant in your answer. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 What are the circumstances with the parents? Are they likely to show up? What exactly is going on there? I would certainly be willing to meet and spend time with any child I was related to who may need a home but whether or not I took them in would depend on their needs, my children's needs and how well those would work together. I can't imagine what this poor child is feeling. It is going to take some special care regardless of any other issues going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 I would be very concerned about what her previous life was like before she lived with your "aunt" and uncle. I raised a step child who had attachment issues with her bio mom, my dh's ex, and it REALLY affected the children dh and I had together. Now that I have been on the board and understand RAD I know that she was pretty mild compared to what some people go through, but that did not make it easier at the time. My son and dd bonded with her and picked up some of the undesirable traits that came from her mother's family. Our family had enough problems without adding extra, lol. There is no way I would commit to this in a week. I would also make sure to couch it that SHE should make sure she wants to come with YOU also. This should not be a one way decision with a child this old, IMO. I would say she is welcome to stay with you while things get sorted out and you learn about her and she learns about you but I would not commit to signing papers until you know she would like to join your family and you feel she would not harm the family you already have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 just a different angle.Here is a personal experience from when I was a child. My stepbrother came into our family when he was around 7 or 8. he had lived with his mother previously, she got sick of him one day and literally threw him out on the street, rang my dad and told him that if he wanted his son he can go find him in the street. He had been exposed to drugs and alcohol before he came to live with us, and at the ripe old age of 7 was smoking regularly. He had about a 12 month period where he was pretty angry, he destroyed a lot of toys etc. then he settled right down and was absolutely fine. Just the other day he told me that the absolutely best thing that happened to him in his whole life was shifting in with my siblings and I. He said he can only imagine how mixed up he would have turned out without finding a stable family to live with. Personally I would take the child, especially as she is currently living with a family member. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 I would find it hard to say no, just because I know how I feel having several children and limited options for back-up care should something happen to us. At the same time, the SN of my own kids and our limited space would definitely make it a challenge. We have had a relatives' child live with us in the past but the child was not a complete stranger to us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 Well, I'd want to know the background and behaviors; however, as my signature can attest (3 adopted and 4 foster on top of my two bio), I obviously would definitely consider it. I do think that a week long visit is going to tell you little; but it will make y'all real to one another and make it less scary if you build the bond in time (I suggests other weekends). It'd be better than nothing. But behaviors will take time to surface. She'll have some from her losses, probably past and present. And then fear of fitting in, pleasing people, etc is hard. It will all likely come out in time and for awhile. It took my three almost a year and a half, an adoption, and homeschooling to calm down. And now they are nearly ideal kids in most ways. It crossed my mind (20 times) that I may have to work through similar timing and events with any other kids we were to take. And then there is Monkey who has her own little issues and she is only 17months! Anyway, all that to say that I most probably would do it (again, short of any scary issues I couldn't come up with a safety plan for). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bensmom Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 Thank you for your responses. This has been very overwhelming as it was unexpected and there is a great deal of pressure to make this permanant while her grandma is still living and can sign the papers. I appreciate your questions and thoughts to help my family process this situation! In answer to some of your questions, her birthparents signed away their rights to her shortly after her birth. She has been loved and provided a fairly stable home with dh's aunt and uncle. Her mom is an addict and I do not know about drug exposure. They say she is healthy and does well in school. I know that she is very small for her age, but I don't know anything about her parents stature so perhaps it is genetic and not drug related? I spoke with her on the phone yesterday. She has never been on vacation, and is very excited to come see us. Appearantly dh's uncle has talked this up as being a very good, exciting thing to come see her "cousins" for a week. Dh's uncle also told her that she may come back to live with us if her Nana goes to heaven. I wish he hadn't told her that before we had talked some more, but she seems okay with the idea. Her grandma has been sick for about a year (chemo treatments were just stopped last week as she is too ill to continue and they are not helping). It sounds like the last year has been a very sad, stressful time in their house and the girl has been very much on her own for things like making her lunches, getting ready for school, getting to the bus on time etc. I'm going to share your comments with my dh husband as you have offered some helpful thoughts. I think I will see if it is possible for us to continue with weekend visits for a while too. I think that you all are right in that continued visits may make for a smoother transition and let us all get to know one another better than just the week. (They live 3 hours from us) I think that ultimately, she will be our new daughter. They do not have another back up plan if this does not work with us. I believe I have to put the needs of our son first, but we are going to make every effort to make this work to keep her from entering foster care. If you have any other recommendations for our transition, please share. I have never had a daughter before and have a feeling this is going to be very different from raising a son?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen A Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 I just want to say I'll pray for wisdom and clarity for your family as you enter this situation. I hope the future is filled with bonding and love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: You will know. Listen to yourself I those quiet moments. There is right path for this child. It may be you or may not. Pray and listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 I would ask to look at all the legal documents and make sure that there is no stone left unturned. I would also do what I could to ensure legal adoption...I probably wouldn't feel comfortable with guardianship. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 (Dh's aunt has legal guardianship If the birthparents signed away their legal rights shortly after birth, why wasn't the child legally adopted by Granny? Since I've never heard of anyone taking that approach before when the parents signed off, I'd talk to a lawyer who specializes in adoption and family law just to make sure something odd isn't going on. It may be nothing but it's always a good thing to understand as much about a situation as possible before proceeding. Get a legal explanation about the difference between legal guardianship and adoption as soon as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 If the birthparents signed away their legal rights shortly after birth, why wasn't the child legally adopted by Granny? I know someone in this position. She went with legal guardianship so the children would have more "benefits": better medical insurance, the option for free mental health benefits if needed in the teen years, guaranteed funding for state colleges, help with the cost of extracurriculars and clothes. These are all things the children would need that the adoptive parent/ guardian couldn't provide. Foster children receive those benefits in the state they are in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 This statement bothers me. She is not a product you can disregard if she does not fit. I am sure your family will be a a trial for her also, she will need to adjust to your personalities and such just like you to her. To 'try her out to see if she fits'...bleh...maybe she will think your family is not one she would want to live with. She is family and you take care of family no questions. You all need to work together to make a new family. Optimally, before diving into this, all sides should get together and talk and see how they feel about this and whether it's the right fit for everyone. It's not about treating her as a commodity, but rather seeing how she feels about it as well, getting to know her, seeing if it could potentially work. If she does turn out to have a lot of issues that are beyond the OP's capacity to manage, then it doesn't do anyone any favors to take her in simply because she's family. That said, it does sound a bit like the universe is opening a way for you to have another child in your family after you had wanted just that and while it may not be a no brainer that you should take her without asking questions, it does seem like a no brainer that this is potentially a blessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 If aunt and uncle have raised this girl from infancy and you know or can reasonably hope she has had stability, I would be leaning toward adopting, HOWEVER, I think you need a lot of staying over, outings together, etc., so the girl is becoming familiar with your family. Would she be able to see her aunt and uncle frequently once she lived with you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 In a heartbeat. I could not live with myself if a child in our family ended up in foster care or worse.... She is going through enough trauma....a loving, stable home is what she needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 I'd take her if I could talk my husband into it. Family is family. This. (Short of significant problems that would seriously disrupt my existing family at home.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 This statement bothers me. She is not a product you can disregard if she does not fit. I am sure your family will be a a trial for her also, she will need to adjust to your personalities and such just like you to her. To 'try her out to see if she fits'...bleh...maybe she will think your family is not one she would want to live with. She is family and you take care of family no questions. You all need to work together to make a new family. And herein lies the problem. This kid IS going to have problems. This is not an "if" situation, it is a WHEN. So, what if the week goes awesome and then in 3 or 4 years things go less awesome? Are you out then? Then what? Because all kids have issues. I can guarantee your son is going to have a hard time with another child coming in. This little girl has it VERY hard. She has been given up by her biological mother, most likely due to instability of some sort or other, living with a dying a woman, now to be passed onto another family. If in two years, she is having a hard time emotionally, are you going to pass her on? What if your son struggles emotionally? Adoption takes MASSIVE commitment. I would ask what went on with the fostering - why did you do it only one time? Were there hardships on your family? The reason I ask is because you should go into this eyes wide open and being willing to commit, for a lifetime, to a new daughter. I would do it, yes. But my children are used to incoming siblings and chaos. I can tell you that we are supposed to be leaving our children with my DH's sister (before she had a child) and now that she has an only child, I think it's a very bad plan. She is used to her child. Dealing with interaction (and frustration) and many different personalities would strain their family incredibly and then what? In your scenario you do not sound as though you are "all in." I think the commitment either needs to be there or not. It can't depend on a "good" week, because frankly, there are going to be "bad" and "hard" weeks... That's just what parenting is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 And herein lies the problem. This kid IS going to have problems. This is not an "if" situation, it is a WHEN. So, what if the week goes awesome and then in 3 or 4 years things go less awesome? Are you out then? Then what? Because all kids have issues. I can guarantee your son is going to have a hard time with another child coming in. I agree that all kids have issues. But some kids have GINORMOUS issues and I could see how the OP would not want to take a child on with serious issues at the onset. She already has a small child of approximately the same age. Tantruming is an "issue." What if this girl sets the cat on fire? IMO, that's not an issue, that's a child with a real problem and if the OP chooses to pass on that - especially with another child in the home, I'd totally understand. OP, I'd need more details. Why wasn't the child being raised by her parents? Where are the parents? How was she doing in life, prior to her guardian's dying process? How old was she when her parents left her life? All that being said, if I wanted another child and if I thought I could be a GOOD parent to all my children and this child connected with my family - I'd go for it in a NY second. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 How long has this child been in the family? Why hadn't you met her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 I've adopted two children from orphanages. One was a toddler/preschooler and one was a pre-teen. My advice is do not base whether you want to take this child on how she behaves or seems to fit in on a week-long visit. You will not see a true picture of who this child is in such a short, stress-filled visit (because she will know that she is being auditioned). Were it me, I would decide two things: a) am I willing to allow a child from my family to end up in foster care? and b) do I want to parent another child? Your answers to these questions should guide you. Good luck. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 I've adopted two children from orphanages. One was a toddler/preschooler and one was a pre-teen. My advice is do not base whether you want to take this child on how she behaves or seems to fit in on a week-long visit. You will not see a true picture of who this child is in such a short, stress-filled visit (because she will know that she is being auditioned). Were it me, I would decide two things: a) am I willing to allow a child from my family to end up in foster care? and b) do I want to parent another child? Your answers to these questions should guide you. Good luck. Tara Sage advice here. I wish the OP all the best in making this decision. It is a very difficult one to make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 Sorry if I missed this - how old is your son? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bensmom Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 Thank you for all of your thoughts and comments. This really is uncharted territory for us, and your responses have helped our family discussions. Dh's aunt and uncle have agreed to allow for multiple visits before we commit to transfer guardianship. We have had many phone conversations and "S" is very excited to come for a visit. We are going to get her this Friday. To answer some of your questions: Our son is 9 years 9 months, and "S" is 9 years 1 month. We have never met her because dh's family is "not close." Her grandparents have had her since just after her birth. Her birthparents terminated rights. I think her mom is incarcerated. Please continue to pray for S and our family. We are praying for wisdom and just taking a day at a time... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 Given what you've said about the situation, yes, I would take her into our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 You want to take care to do what's best for both of the children involved--your ds and this child. DO NOT RUSH THIS, even though the aunt is terminal: I would arrange for a consultation with a professional who works with older adoptive children and get his/her perspective. I would also consult with an attorney who does adoptions. If "aunt" has legal guardianship, I imagine that that doesn't entitle her to transfer it. Check and see. I am guessing it will go back to a court. I would also ask that they have her evaluated by a professional used to working with older adoptive children, so that you know what you are getting into. A week is fine for a visit. It is not fine as a transition. It is abrupt and the child's mother is dying. Good grief. Literally--what would constitute good grief? Being swept away abruptly from her current dying mother? Ideally, the first visit with you should be shorter--a weekend, but not a holiday. Then gradually increase the visits. How much do you know about attachment and reactive attachment disorder? I would be reading up on it. It seems from your posts that you don't know this child. Why is that? As for adopting a 9 year old, I would do it if I had good background information on her and was comfortable in knowing that she could attach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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