What has happened to etiquette?

[A.Balaban]

DH's friends from high school invited us to their wedding in Dec. We got the invitation in in September, and he mentioned to his friend (in a conversation) that he was starting a new job in Oct, so we wouldn't be able to return the RSVP until he got his schedule.

 

Their RSVP date is Nov 10th. We sent the card off on Friday, so it would get there well enough before Nov 10th. On Thurs, the bride messaged DH on facebook asking if he had sent off the card. On Saturday, DH got a text from the groom (as a mass text) reminding people to RSVP. Saturday, he also got a facebook message (from the bride AGAIN) reminding him to RSVP "Please send your RSVP this week if you haven't already."

 

I thought you were supposed to harass people AFTER the RSVP date.. Not before?!

 

This same friend (the bride) said something rude to DH about me via text yesterday evening. :glare: Completely out of left field, too.

 

Should I respond to this? She has me just plain FURIOUS.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Put it down to pre-wedding jitters and the stress of planning a big event. All you or your dh has to do is to text them back saying that the RSVP had been sent and what information was on it. I'd include the information just because they might need to know before it gets there.

[Impish]

Put it down to pre-wedding jitters and the stress of planning a big event. All you or your dh has to do is to text them back saying that the RSVP had been sent and what information was on it. I'd include the information just because they might need to know before it gets there.

:iagree:

[justasque]

Put it down to pre-wedding jitters and the stress of planning a big event. All you or your dh has to do is to text them back saying that the RSVP had been sent and what information was on it. I'd include the information just because they might need to know before it gets there.

 

:iagree:

Brides are thrown into planning a huge event, and many have not ever planned even a minor one. It takes time to learn how to handle the details. A mass mailing of an RSVP reminder wouldn't bother me at all. It wasn't aimed at you - it was aimed at the probably-50% of her guests who are going to have to be nagged right up until a few days before the event. Extend some grace.

[AK_Mom4]

Brides get nutty. Grooms get nutty too.

Just let it go. You sent the card before the deadline, but there are probably 50 other people who won't send it.

 

best to just ignore them until the wedding is over.

[nmoira]

Is it possible they made the mistake of setting the RSVP deadline too near the date numbers with the caterer must be confirmed? That might explain the tension.

[Word Nerd]

I'd ignore the RSVP badgering but might respond to the rude text depending on what was said. I think the bridezilla epidemic exists because people give them a free pass to act crazy and over-the-top rude without ever being challenged or given a reality check. Yes, brides are under a lot of pressure and are stressed out, but that doesn't justify bad behavior and treating friends and family however they wish. Choose your battles wisely and let the little stuff go.

[Arcadia]

I'll blame it on wedding jitters. I had two set of couples called me a few times after I have RSVP because they were too panicky to record all the RSVP properly.

[Jennifer3141]

I'd ignore the RSVP badgering but might respond to the rude text depending on what was said. I think the bridezilla epidemic exists because people give them a free pass to act crazy and over-the-top rude without ever being challenged or given a reality check. Yes, brides are under a lot of pressure and are stressed out, but that doesn't justify bad behavior and treating friends and family however they wish. Choose your battles wisely and let the little stuff go.

 

:iagree:

 

Depending upon what was said in the text, of course. If it has the OP feeling furious, I"m assuming it's pretty rotten.

 

As for the RSVP drama, I feel sorry for everyone trying to plan an event nowadays.

[A.Balaban]

Is it possible they made the mistake of setting the RSVP deadline too near the date numbers with the caterer must be confirmed? That might explain the tension.

 

If that was the case, and it had been me, I would have said "Hi, we realized we made a mistake! Our caterer needs our numbers confirmed BY the 10th. If you can help us......"

 

Totally different than "Hi did you send RSVP yet?" / "Please send RSVP card this week." / "Please send RSVP card..." within 3 days.

 

According to her facebook, they are missing 33 people RSVPs. That was a status she posted.

 

I mean, for DH's and I wedding we had about 50% of the guest list RSVP "No" and we got NO gifts from the ones who RSVP'd "No". I was under the impression that when you RSVP "No" to a wedding you should send a gift congratulating the couple, regardless. Please tell me it isn't so, so I don't feel bad about not sending DH's friends a gift.

[A.Balaban]

I'd ignore the RSVP badgering but might respond to the rude text depending on what was said.

 

I can't post it because her quip was political in nature. DH is going to respond to the text (since it was sent to him).

 

I haven't responded to anything about the RSVPs - we sent our card off - and they will get it in the mail next week. If they contact us again before then :glare::glare:

 

I just wish people cared a bit more about how their actions affect other people and took the time to make sure they didn't say anything unnecessarily hurtful.

[justasque]

So you've already told them you aren't going, and that's part of why you're annoyed by the continuing requests for an RSVP? That explains a bit more. But again - it's just not worth being personally offended because someone else's administrative event-planning skills aren't quite up to par. And frankly if they're asking for the info, even if you've mailed the card, it would take less time to just send a quick text than to stew here with us. Why not be helpful to the bride? We all know how stressful it is to plan large events.

 

As to the gift - if you feel moved to celebrate their wedding by giving them a gift, then do so. If you don't, then don't. However, given that they are DH's friends, I would (with me as a sounding board) let him decide whether he wants to give a gift, and if so, what to give and how much to spend.

Edited November 4, 2012 by askPauline

[hana]

Is it possible they made the mistake of setting the RSVP deadline too near the date numbers with the caterer must be confirmed? That might explain the tension.

 

This would be my guess.

 

Sorry she was rude about you.

[justLisa]

Some people are lacking in organization and proper communicating skills. Some people get nutty before a major event. And some people just lack a bit of finesse. Either way I'd just respond and stop spending time being mad.

 

If you can't change it, STOP worrying about it.

[justasque]

According to her facebook, they are missing 33 people RSVPs. That was a status she posted.

 

 

That's 4 tablecloths, 4 centerpiece flower arrangements, 4 tables worth of rented silverware and dishes, 4 sets of tables and chairs and chair decorations, possibly enough people to change which room needs to be rented, not to mention the catering. There's a lot of money at stake, and she has to assume folks are coming until they decline. She might also be juggling requests for +1's, special meals (enough to get a special caterer for the special group? Or not?), overnight accommodation issues, etc.

 

Grace, grace, grace. Why not make someone else's life a little easier, a little less stressful, whenever you can?

[justLisa]

That's 4 tablecloths, 4 centerpiece flower arrangements, 4 tables worth of rented silverware and dishes, 4 sets of tables and chairs and chair decorations, possibly enough people to change which room needs to be rented, not to mention the catering. There's a lot of money at stake, and she has to assume folks are coming until they decline. She might also be juggling requests for +1's, special meals (enough to get a special caterer for the special group? Or not?), overnight accommodation issues, etc.

 

Grace, grace, grace. Why not make someone else's life a little easier, a little less stressful, whenever you can?

 

That's what I was thinking. It's kind of bugging me that OP said she "they will get the card next week in the mail" when you could surely make it easier.

 

SO much could be solved by just doing what is NICE. Even if they mean the absolute worse. What are you going to gain by not taking the high road? Will you feel better "sticking it" to them? And are they going to feel good? See no one wins. So call them, let them know, and it's done. Let the anger and the bitter go. And it's one less person they need to worry about RSVP'ing.

[Catwoman]

I'd ignore the RSVP badgering but might respond to the rude text depending on what was said. I think the bridezilla epidemic exists because people give them a free pass to act crazy and over-the-top rude without ever being challenged or given a reality check. Yes, brides are under a lot of pressure and are stressed out, but that doesn't justify bad behavior and treating friends and family however they wish. Choose your battles wisely and let the little stuff go.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

The whole Bridezilla concept is utterly ridiculous. I don't care if you're the bride, sweetie; your wedding is a few hours of one day of your entire life so get a little perspective on reality... oh, and by the way, the whole world still doesn't revolve around you. :glare:

[justLisa]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

The whole Bridezilla concept is utterly ridiculous. I don't care if you're the bride, sweetie; your wedding is a few hours of one day of your entire life so get a little perspective on reality... oh, and by the way, the whole world still doesn't revolve around you. :glare:

 

And don't forget if her wedding is not for an entire year that she is the focus of the flipping universe every second of every day until then :glare:

[justasque]

...

SO much could be solved by just doing what is NICE. ...

 

Etiquette is, at its heart, about making life easier and nicer for others. The etiquette rules are guidelines as to how to do this, not edicts that must be rigidly followed regardless of the situation. Withholding a quick RSVP text when asked for it, especially when you already know you're not going, is not "good etiquette".

 

(Nor, I might add, is expecting gifts from people who did not attend your wedding (and keeping score for ever after). Or, for that matter, expecting gifts from those who did attend.)

[justLisa]

Etiquette is, at its heart, about making life easier and nicer for others. The etiquette rules are guidelines as to how to do this, not edicts that must be rigidly followed regardless of the situation. Withholding a quick RSVP text when asked for it, especially when you already know you're not going, is not "good etiquette".

(Nor, I might add, is expecting gifts from people who did not attend your wedding (and keeping score for ever after). Or, for that matter, expecting gifts from those who did attend.)

 

That's what I was trying to say but in too many words.

[Kathryn]

Etiquette is, at its heart, about making life easier and nicer for others. The etiquette rules are guidelines as to how to do this, not edicts that must be rigidly followed regardless of the situation. Withholding a quick RSVP text when asked for it, especially when you already know you're not going, is not "good etiquette".

 

(Nor, I might add, is expecting gifts from people who did not attend your wedding (and keeping score for ever after). Or, for that matter, expecting gifts from those who did attend.)

 

:iagree:

[Nestof3]

I think the problem is that in general, people are slack these days about RSVPing. Correspondence in general seems to be lacking. These people are probably responding to it.

[happi duck]

Is it possible they made the mistake of setting the RSVP deadline too near the date numbers with the caterer must be confirmed? That might explain the tension.

 

:iagree:

 

I've seen this a couple of times. Either the venue pushes up the date for some reason or the rsvp date on the invite was already cutting it too close.

[Spryte]

I mean, for DH's and I wedding we had about 50% of the guest list RSVP "No" and we got NO gifts from the ones who RSVP'd "No". I was under the impression that when you RSVP "No" to a wedding you should send a gift congratulating the couple, regardless. Please tell me it isn't so, so I don't feel bad about not sending DH's friends a gift.

 

I don't think it's necessary to send a gift to a couple when you've RSVP'd that you won't be able to attend. It's a nice gesture, and DH and I have done it, or sometimes we've simply sent a card, but as far as I know there is no etiquette rule that one must send a gift for every wedding invitation one receives.

 

If your DH wants to send a gift, and you do too, then send a gift to the couple. Or just a sweet card. ...Or not. :001_smile:

 

Brides get crazy. That's why I eloped!

[QueenCat]

I mean, for DH's and I wedding we had about 50% of the guest list RSVP "No" and we got NO gifts from the ones who RSVP'd "No". I was under the impression that when you RSVP "No" to a wedding you should send a gift congratulating the couple, regardless. Please tell me it isn't so, so I don't feel bad about not sending DH's friends a gift.

 

Ugh? Invitations are not gift grabs. If I get an invitation from someone I don't know well, or am not close to, I'm likely to decline the invitation and send a card. If I know them well, and can't make it, I do send a gift.

[A.Balaban]

DH has opted not to respond to the texts/messages. He feels that they should have called him if they wanted an early response. He doesn't feel that communicating over text is appropriate in this instance.

 

She posted on his Facebook wall this morning (like, before the mail could arrive) and asked him again to RSVP. Her fiance "liked" the post.

 

He asked me to delete it off his wall for him. They should get the card in the mail today.

 

We mailed the card on Friday, therefore it should arrive today. If we had mailed card on Saturday, the card would not have arrived until Tuesday. Therefore, they should be kind and leave us in peace long enough for the USPS to do their job instead of harassing us.

 

We most certainly AREN'T keeping score regarding wedding gifts - I just mentioned that because I know other people who majority of their guests who RSVP'd "No" sent a gift anyway - it could just be a simple "family vs. friend" thing. I just wasn't sure where the line was. My parents have always been the type to send a gift, so I wasn't sure? I didn't mean like I was grabby.

 

Again, just trying to figure out etiquette here.....

[justLisa]

Still, you are making way too much of this. You are refusing to respond with etiquette, to your problem with the lack of etiquette. See the flaw in logic here?

[nmoira]

I don't understand why you don't just let them know. It seems petty on your part, no matter what you think of their manners.

[Joker]

Still, you are making way too much of this. You are refusing to respond with etiquette, to your problem with the lack of etiquette. See the flaw in logic here?

 

:iagree:OP, I don't see you ignoring their requests as being any better than them harrassing you for an answer. Actually, I feel the ignoring is a bit more rude.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

We were phoned the day before (Sunday) RSVP were due by dh's sister. I was like:confused:..."Why is she calling us before the RSVP is even due?"

 

Imo...fwiw...Facebook adds to the mess.

 

DH's friends from high school invited us to their wedding in Dec. We got the invitation in in September, and he mentioned to his friend (in a conversation) that he was starting a new job in Oct, so we wouldn't be able to return the RSVP until he got his schedule.

 

Their RSVP date is Nov 10th. We sent the card off on Friday, so it would get there well enough before Nov 10th. On Thurs, the bride messaged DH on facebook asking if he had sent off the card. On Saturday, DH got a text from the groom (as a mass text) reminding people to RSVP. Saturday, he also got a facebook message (from the bride AGAIN) reminding him to RSVP "Please send your RSVP this week if you haven't already."

 

I thought you were supposed to harass people AFTER the RSVP date.. Not before?!

 

This same friend (the bride) said something rude to DH about me via text yesterday evening. :glare: Completely out of left field, too.

 

Should I respond to this? She has me just plain FURIOUS.

[curlylocks]

I don't understand why you don't just let them know. It seems petty on your part, no matter what you think of their manners.

 

OP, I don't see you ignoring their requests as being any better than them harrassing you for an answer. Actually, I feel the ignoring is a bit more rude.

 

 

:iagree: -- is this a JAWM post??

[NorthwestMom]

DH has opted not to respond to the texts/messages. He feels that they should have called him if they wanted an early response. He doesn't feel that communicating over text is appropriate in this instance.

 

She posted on his Facebook wall this morning (like, before the mail could arrive) and asked him again to RSVP. Her fiance "liked" the post.

 

He asked me to delete it off his wall for him. They should get the card in the mail today.

 

We mailed the card on Friday, therefore it should arrive today. If we had mailed card on Saturday, the card would not have arrived until Tuesday. Therefore, they should be kind and leave us in peace long enough for the USPS to do their job instead of harassing us.

 

We most certainly AREN'T keeping score regarding wedding gifts - I just mentioned that because I know other people who majority of their guests who RSVP'd "No" sent a gift anyway - it could just be a simple "family vs. friend" thing. I just wasn't sure where the line was. My parents have always been the type to send a gift, so I wasn't sure? I didn't mean like I was grabby.

 

Again, just trying to figure out etiquette here.....

 

I think you are being hostile at this point. Are you sure you are still friends? You are engaging in a power struggle without telling them why, your feelings are hurt by what she said but you haven't discussed it nor let it go, and you don't even want to send a gift to celebrate their marriage. I think you are angry and being passive aggressive at this point.

[Ellie]

I was under the impression that when you RSVP "No" to a wedding you should send a gift congratulating the couple, regardless. Please tell me it isn't so, so I don't feel bad about not sending DH's friends a gift.

You are mistaken. You are not obligated to send a gift at all. You are obligated to RSVP, which is where people have gone wrong: they don't.

 

Which is not to say that I agree with the bride-to-be. If she wanted the RSVP date sooner than Nov. 10, she should have said so. The RSVP date is the RSVP date.

 

If you want to send the happy couple a gift, do so. It's a nice gesture. :) If not, don't. You are not obligated to do so.

[Jenny in Florida]

See, I'd interpret a lot of this as a generalized response to a whole bunch of folks who can't be bothered to RSVP (or, too often, even know what the initials mean). I seriously doubt the bride and groom are harassing you, personally. They are probably sending reminders to anyone and everyone from whom they have not yet received a response.

 

I guess I don't understand why it's such a burden to simply tell them, "Yes, we did send the card yesterday, and you should have it soon. We won't be able to make it, unfortunately, but I hope you both have a lovely day!"

 

Done.

 

And, if you'd responded to the first message, you probably wouldn't have been bothered by the next ones.

 

I

 

I just wish people cared a bit more about how their actions affect other people and took the time to make sure they didn't say anything unnecessarily hurtful.

 

I actually agree with you, but I'd encourage you to consider your words from the bride and groom's point of view.

Edited November 5, 2012 by Jenny in Florida

[ChristyB in TN]

It seems like the rule applying to the situation would be included in 'etiquette 301' or higher. I don't think all is lost or the world is going to hell in the etiquette handbasket because you would have to be Emily Post to know this one. I don't think they meant to offend or rush you. :)

[Georgiana Daniels]

:iagree:

Brides are thrown into planning a huge event, and many have not ever planned even a minor one. It takes time to learn how to handle the details. A mass mailing of an RSVP reminder wouldn't bother me at all. It wasn't aimed at you - it was aimed at the probably-50% of her guests who are going to have to be nagged right up until a few days before the event. Extend some grace.

 

:iagree:

 

After having come through a wedding this summer, I realize that things happen. They just do. People mess up, and etiquette gets completely lost. Especially for younger brides/grooms who probably haven't BEEN to many weddings, much less planned one.

 

The fact she said something rude about you in a text would bother me more, depending on what it was.

[Georgiana Daniels]

That's 4 tablecloths, 4 centerpiece flower arrangements, 4 tables worth of rented silverware and dishes, 4 sets of tables and chairs and chair decorations, possibly enough people to change which room needs to be rented, not to mention the catering. There's a lot of money at stake, and she has to assume folks are coming until they decline. She might also be juggling requests for +1's, special meals (enough to get a special caterer for the special group? Or not?), overnight accommodation issues, etc.

 

Grace, grace, grace. Why not make someone else's life a little easier, a little less stressful, whenever you can?

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[momto2Cs]

I'd ignore the RSVP badgering but might respond to the rude text depending on what was said. I think the bridezilla epidemic exists because people give them a free pass to act crazy and over-the-top rude without ever being challenged or given a reality check. Yes, brides are under a lot of pressure and are stressed out, but that doesn't justify bad behavior and treating friends and family however they wish. Choose your battles wisely and let the little stuff go.

 

:iagree: I feel like I am saying this all the time lately (mostly at home :glare:)

[Arcadia]

We most certainly AREN'T keeping score regarding wedding gifts - I just mentioned that because I know other people who majority of their guests who RSVP'd "No" sent a gift anyway - it could just be a simple "family vs. friend" thing. I just wasn't sure where the line was. My parents have always been the type to send a gift, so I wasn't sure? I didn't mean like I was grabby.

 

My parents in their 70s have always send a gift too.

 

If we can afford it and just could not make it for the wedding, we send a gift. If it is not a close friend, than a card.

 

If we are money tight, we send a card, even though now a e-gift card might cost just a bit more than a nice wedding greeting card.

[Parrothead]

Ah, shoot! I saw the thread title and thought I'd have a chance to pontificate on why I think etiquette has been so disregarded over the last 40 years.

 

If anyone wants my opinion I'll be over there next to my soapbox eagerly awaiting an audience. :D

[Word Nerd]

:iagree:OP, I don't see you ignoring their requests as being any better than them harrassing you for an answer. Actually, I feel the ignoring is a bit more rude.

 

:iagree: When I posted my previously response, I was for some reason under the impression that the OP and/or her DH had responded verbally to the first request and also mailed an RSVP, so the continued requests from the couple since they hadn't received the mailed RSVP yet seemed absurd. Refusing to respond to any of their requests by text, email, or FB message is unkind and would have taken no more than 10 seconds.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: However, I also feel most people expect a gift.

 

You are mistaken. You are not obligated to send a gift at all. You are obligated to RSVP, which is where people have gone wrong: they don't.

 

Which is not to say that I agree with the bride-to-be. If she wanted the RSVP date sooner than Nov. 10, she should have said so. The RSVP date is the RSVP date.

 

If you want to send the happy couple a gift, do so. It's a nice gesture. :) If not, don't. You are not obligated to do so.

[Ellie]

However, I also feel most people expect a gift.

Yes, they do, because if they have friends, they know most of their friends love them and will give them gifts. :-) It is only that their friends are not *obligated* to give them gifts.

[Mom-ninja.]

I haven't responded to anything about the RSVPs - we sent our card off - and they will get it in the mail next week. If they contact us again before then :glare::glare:

 

 

 

 

So why didn't you just send a quick text back after the first text asking if you sent the RSVP card? All you had to do was text (or FB) back a quick, "Yes, I mailed the card a couple days ago. You should get it by the end of the week, and I'll go ahead and let you now that we will not be able to make it."

 

That's not hard.

 

In fact, I think it's rude to simply ignore them asking you if you mailed it.

[KatieJ]

I have 4 children and have more than involved in all of their weddings, even my sons. Normal rational adult become more than a tad crazy with all the things they have to do. Trust me, it's the wedding jitters, and they are not the normal sane people they usually are.

 

And then by the time they get their act together, ask all the questions, order the invites, send out the RSVP cards, figure out the wording for all of the above, plan the seating charts for the ceremony and then the recption, all of which requires a conversation with Miss Manners and both Mothers, if not steps, well, they are done. They are married and it's behind them. They have it figured out and hopefully they don't get married again! Most like it si their first time down this road, ( I hope so, but we all know that's not always the case) and if no wise, sane person is along side helping them, they are overwhelmed. Today's etiquette is less formal. I am not agreeing with it, just saying. I have heard things like, I don't care what the protocal is, it gets the message across and that is all I care about. Truly, take a breath and give them a break.