Do you encourage blind respect?

[Joshin]

I mean this along the lines "Respect your elders!" type comments. I'm sorry if I ramble on a bit, I think I am trying to just get my own thoughts in order because I see many more of these conversations with DS in my future! My dad shared an exchange he had with DS7 this weekend that tickled him. First, my son and dad are cut from the exact same cloth and often have pretty deep conversations.

 

As dad tells it, they were rough housing and my dad said to son playfully, "you have to earn my respect!" DS instantly stopped and asked, "Why? I have to respect you because you're old but I have to earn it because I'm a kid?"

 

This ended with them having a deep conversation about respect, and even looking up the real definition in the dictionary (definition: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements). They came to the conclusion that everyone has to earn respect, old and young alike, and instead it would be better to say "be courteous to your elders" instead of "respect your elders."

 

I remember having trouble with the blind respect aspect shoved down my throat by teachers as a kid, and even serving detention once for telling a teacher they had to earn my respect. After discussing this with my dad, we both agreed that these two 'respect' phrases are overused and misused. Dad told me point blank that he hopes I don't raise overly respectful kids -- kind, courteous, polite ones yes -- but not the type of kids that respects elders or authority figures blindly. He admitted he had never though about it before DS's questions.

 

Now, DS7 is advanced for his age and had issues with people not giving him respect this summer, so I think this topic is very fresh in his mind. He teaches kids and adults in an outreach program about the night sky, giving them tours with his telescope. He is the only child teaching at these events. He is used to the other adults teaching to treat him like a knowledgeable person and an equal, and he gets upset when the adult students don't do the same thing and they argue with him over facts or talk down to him like he's a kid (which he is, true). He is also friends with a real scientist who also treats him with respect and as an intellectual equal, and not just as a silly kid.

 

He doesn't get why he is supposed to be respectful to someone because of their age, when half the time they can't even treat him with courtesy because of his age. He knows not everyone follows these rules, because he has adults in his life (his fellow teachers, the scientist, hopefully us!) that treat him with respect. He also feels that in these circles at least, he has earned respect. DS told my dad that he thinks people should respect him an astronomer, but they probably shouldn't respect him as a football player because he's bad at it so he doesn't even try.

 

Yet, I'm guilty of the whole blind respect thing. I've told him many times to respect his elders in one or another. I think as adults we don't put the weight on the word that it actually has, and we really do mean be courteous and polite instead. But my literal kid and literal dad don't see it that way. Respect is a heavy word, reserved for those that achieve great things, do hard jobs, or stand above the rest in their behavior or knowledge.

 

So what do you think? Do you teach blind respect for elders or authority figures? Do you teach what real respect is then reinforce that everyone, regardless of respect, deserves courtesy, and that being courteous is one way to begin earning other's respect. Or maybe, dad and I are just reading way too much into a single word and we should get a hobby? :D

[Catwoman]

So what do you think? Do you teach blind respect for elders or authority figures? Do you teach what real respect is then reinforce that everyone, regardless of respect, deserves courtesy, and that being courteous is one way to begin earning other's respect. Or maybe, dad and I are just reading way too much into a single word and we should get a hobby? :D

 

No.

 

We teach our ds that he should be polite and courteous to people in general. Elders and authority figures don't get any kind of magical pass to "extra" respect just because they're older or in charge of something.

 

I think everyone has to earn our respect before it is given to them, but that courtesy is something we can extend to everyone (at least until they turn out to be weasels -- then all bets are off! :D)

 

Additionally, our ds knows that no one has the right to treat him disrespectfully, and if they do, he doesn't have to tolerate it.

Edited October 24, 2012 by Catwoman

[justLisa]

We are respectful to all people. I do not attach any strings to that. Not age, not anything.

 

And my kids also know that they do not have to tolerate any kind of mistreatment from anyone. No strings to that either. Doesn't matter how old or what your role is.

[Rebecca VA]

Yes. You have to show respect to get respect.

[Joanne]

No. I expect respectful *behavior* in terms of language, courtesy, eye contact, etc. I encourage giving the benefit of doubt in the absence of knowing someone.

 

But blind respect from my kids to older humans? No.

[Guest submarines]

Blind repect? No.

[Mergath]

No. I expect respectful *behavior* in terms of language, courtesy, eye contact, etc. I encourage giving the benefit of doubt in the absence of knowing someone.

 

But blind respect from my kids to older humans? No.

 

:iagree: I've always thought that teaching kids to respect adults, period, no matter what, is a great way for a kid to end up in an abusive situation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are different kinds of respect.

 

There is respect for someone's position - like someone in authority or someone who is an "elder". This can be under the definition of "to give deference to" in the dictionary. This simply means that you acknowledge their position appropriately. If the person has authority, you follow it as long as they are not abusing their authority. If the person is simply an "elder", the respect you give them is simply common politeness. It also includes a recognition that the elderly have certain needs and frailties and that giving them a bus seat or opening the door for them (while nice to do for anyone) can be especially appreciated and even needed in their case. And yes, we should have a certain respect for others, no matter what their age.

 

Obviously, respect as in "a deep admiration for someone" cannot be commanded. This kind of respect is earned in the sense that we respond to a certain nobility in their character when we admire someone.

[Unicorn.]

This is kind of how I teach my kids. I tell them to respect everyone, until they are given a reason not to. I also tell them they have a right to speak up to anyone, adults included, if they need to for safety or morality issues.

 

OP- I like your ds and your dad's conclusion. I think I will have a discussion about this w/ my kids, maybe it will help them see the difference.

 

We are respectful to all people. I do not attach any strings to that. Not age, not anything.

 

And my kids also know that they do not have to tolerate any kind of mistreatment from anyone. No strings to that either. Doesn't matter how old or what your role is.

[Corraleno]

He doesn't get why he is supposed to be respectful to someone because of their age, when half the time they can't even treat him with courtesy because of his age. He knows not everyone follows these rules, because he has adults in his life (his fellow teachers, the scientist, hopefully us!) that treat him with respect. He also feels that in these circles at least, he has earned respect. DS told my dad that he thinks people should respect him an astronomer, but they probably shouldn't respect him as a football player because he's bad at it so he doesn't even try.

Smart kid! :thumbup1:

 

I agree with your son. I believe in being polite & courteous to everyone, but I think respect needs to be earned. Jerks don't deserve respect just because they're older or in a position of authority. Why should I respect bad teachers just because they have a school name on their paychecks? (And yes, I got in trouble for that attitude. I don't regret it, either. :tongue_smilie:)

 

Jackie

[Joshin]

Yes. You have to show respect to get respect.

 

Not to quibble, but I don't agree with this. I think it comes down the courtesy/respect confusion. I've know people that didn't respect me whom I have respected. For example, my father has a specialist that is rude, talks down to you, and isn't very pleasant. But she is very, very good at her job and has saved his life three times. I respect her as a surgeon but I am sure she doesn't respect me.

 

Now if you are courteous, I do think it is easier to earn people's respect. If there were two surgeons of equal skill, I would be more likely to respect the polite one than the rude one.

[TammyS]

I believe that we respect our elders, because they HAVE earned it. They have earned it by dint of the fact that they have a LOT more life experience than we do and so know things we don't and when a disagreement arises (and this is really where the rubber hits the road) we respect that their advanced life experience means we give them the benefit of the doubt about their rightness over our own.

 

Now, this doesn't mean that we are blind or stupid about it. But it does mean we are respectful about questioning their positions. Questioning should take place in a manner that respects their position as an elder and seeks to fully understand, if we can, their opinion/belief about something *before* deciding that they are wrong.

 

It's kind of like in the law where you are innocent until proven guilty. An elder's opinions are presumed correct until proven incorrect. And even when we come to the conclusion that their position is incorrect, respect says that we do our very, very best to attempt to understand WHY they hold that position because their reasons can also hold lessons for us even when their conclusions are incorrect.

 

Ex. my grandfather, who had a very large part in raising me, was a depression-era baby. He believed that it was seriously, morally wrong to "waste" anything, to throw anything out if there was even the remotest chance of it being useful. I don't agree with that position, but I do understand what it comes from and I agree that there is a lot of waste that is unnecessary and unwise. I also respect his comittment to being responsible with the possessions that he has.

 

This idea of respecting elders does, of course, assume that the person is not a stark, raving wacko of some sort. There are those in every generation and are best avoided.

[justLisa]

Yes. You have to show respect to get respect.

 

I'm not sure what you mean exactly by this, but I agree in one way.

 

I do NOT respect all people. But I act respectful to people. I do not respect nasty, rude, arrogant jerks but I'm not going to stoop and act the same way to them.

[Impish]

I don't think I teach my kids blind anything.

 

I do teach them to treat others w/courtesy, to be polite, etc. To me, that's just a basic human decency thing.

 

I don't think that passing birthdays entitles anyone to a superior position over anyone else, in the sense that, to me, blind respect means 'no matter what, this person is to be respected, has authority' etc.

 

Age does not equal wisdom. Wisdom can be found in any age group.

[Joshin]

Once upon a time I could probably have agreed with the respecting elders because they have lived a long time thing, but not anymore. Living a long life is no longer an achievement granted only to the smarter/healthier/luckier. With modern medicine, any fool can have a long life! :D A long life no longer necessarily means more experience, considering many younger people have more experience in the world and with other people than some in the older generation.

 

Yes, be courteous to your elders, but I expect the elders to show the same courtesy to me or my kids, and I have met many that don't because they see respect as a one way street that's only earned by age. :glare:

[Susan in TN]

We teach our kids to show respect and kindness to all people because they are created in the image of God.

 

Blind obedience, however, is another matter. "Respect your elders" is often a command to blindly obey.

[Paige]

I teach my children to be respectful and courteous to everyone. They are taught to be extra deferential to older people. This does not mean they are to be blindly obedient.

 

What it means is that they will give their chair to an older person- even if that person appears able-bodied, unless my child has a physical need for the chair. My kids don't give their chairs to young people unless that person has a need. I have 1 child who frequently will need the chair more than most older people.

 

It means they should not unnecessarily correct what an older person says, even if my child is correct. I teach them to nod and smile and that being correct is not always important enough to share. My kids will correct a friend or argue about facts with each other, but that should not happen with an adult, and especially not someone that could be described as elderly.

 

It means that my child will patiently listen to what an older person has to say even if they don't want to. There is a time frame to this, but they are taught to be extra kind and considerate.

 

They are taught to call older people Mr/Mrs or Ma'am and Sir unless instructed otherwise. It is a courtesy.

 

They are taught that experience usually brings more wisdom, so we should respect what our elders say. We should give their advice greater weight and more consideration before dismissing it. That doesn't mean we have to do what they say, but that we should respect what they say because of their experience.

 

I teach them to moderate their behavior in the presence of older people. I ask them to speak up, but not to be wildly yelling, and they should not run around unless they are at a playground. I have told them that with age, people sometimes become a little more sensitive and lots of running around makes some people nervous. I tell them that older people tend to not hear as well so they need to speak up louder than usual, and conversely, if they are not the one talking to the older person, then they should keep their voices down so that the older person can hear the person they are talking to.

 

We let older people go first in lines to get food because standing and waiting in line can be uncomfortable.

 

I'm not sure if this falls under your definition of blindly respecting people because of their ages. I definitely do teach them to be more deferential and considerate.

[Ellie]

As dad tells it, they were rough housing and my dad said to son playfully, "you have to earn my respect!" DS instantly stopped and asked, "Why? I have to respect you because you're old but I have to earn it because I'm a kid?"

 

Yes.

 

Although maybe y'all are misunderstanding the word "respect."

 

We should treat all people courteously. We should make an effort to respect people older than we are because, yes, they are older, and they have had experiences and acquired knowledge and wisdom just because they've lived longer. At least, we should *begin* by making that assumption. When we find that this is not so, we should still treat them courteously, and make an effort to listen for wisdom on their part.

 

Older people should treat younger people courteously, so I guess you could say that would be respectfully, but the truth is that young people, such as 7yo children, are *children,* and therefore more likely to behave, you know, childishly, immaturely.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I teach my children to be respectful and courteous to everyone. They are taught to be extra deferential to older people. This does not mean they are to be blindly obedient.

 

What it means is that they will give their chair to an older person- even if that person appears able-bodied, unless my child has a physical need for the chair. My kids don't give their chairs to young people unless that person has a need. I have 1 child who frequently will need the chair more than most older people.

 

It means they should not unnecessarily correct what an older person says, even if my child is correct. I teach them to nod and smile and that being correct is not always important enough to share. My kids will correct a friend or argue about facts with each other, but that should not happen with an adult, and especially not someone that could be described as elderly.

 

It means that my child will patiently listen to what an older person has to say even if they don't want to. There is a time frame to this, but they are taught to be extra kind and considerate.

 

They are taught to call older people Mr/Mrs or Ma'am and Sir unless instructed otherwise. It is a courtesy.

 

They are taught that experience usually brings more wisdom, so we should respect what our elders say. We should give their advice greater weight and more consideration before dismissing it. That doesn't mean we have to do what they say, but that we should respect what they say because of their experience.

 

I teach them to moderate their behavior in the presence of older people. I ask them to speak up, but not to be wildly yelling, and they should not run around unless they are at a playground. I have told them that with age, people sometimes become a little more sensitive and lots of running around makes some people nervous. I tell them that older people tend to not hear as well so they need to speak up louder than usual, and conversely, if they are not the one talking to the older person, then they should keep their voices down so that the older person can hear the person they are talking to.

 

We let older people go first in lines to get food because standing and waiting in line can be uncomfortable.

 

I'm not sure if this falls under your definition of blindly respecting people because of their ages. I definitely do teach them to be more deferential and considerate.

 

Yes.

 

Although maybe y'all are misunderstanding the word "respect."

 

We should treat all people courteously. We should make an effort to respect people older than we are because, yes, they are older, and they have had experiences and acquired knowledge and wisdom just because they've lived longer. At least, we should *begin* by making that assumption. When we find that this is not so, we should still treat them courteously, and make an effort to listen for wisdom on their part.

 

Older people should treat younger people courteously, so I guess you could say that would be respectfully, but the truth is that young people, such as 7yo children, are *children,* and therefore more likely to behave, you know, childishly, immaturely.

 

:iagree: I agree with both of you.

[LaxMom]

No.

 

We teach our ds that he should be polite and courteous to people in general. Elders and authority figures don't get any kind of magical pass to "extra" respect just because they're older or in charge of something.

 

I think everyone has to earn our respect before it is given to them, but that courtesy is something we can extend to everyone (at least until they turn out to be weasels -- then all bets are off! :D)

 

Additionally, our ds knows that no one has the right to treat him disrespectfully, and if they do, he doesn't have to tolerate it.

:iagree: Everyone must be treated with respect and courtesy. Ceding authority because of some random criterion (such as age), not so much. Obviously deference to a position of authority in the context of that authority - following the direction of a police officer executing his duty, for instance - should be done without negotiation or demand for justification, as a general rule.

[Momof3littles]

Courteous and polite in general? Yes. But I also teach them to advocate for themselves and let them know it is okay to be assertive, even with adults.

[TammyS]

I think part of the problem with this discussion is a lack of good definitions. Respect is getting mixed in with: authority, obedience, deference, and courtesy rather interchangeably. But they don't mean the same thing at all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think part of the problem with this discussion is a lack of good definitions. Respect is getting mixed in with: authority, obedience, deference, and courtesy rather interchangeably. But they don't mean the same thing at all.

 

Words have multiple definitions. All the definitions I used in my post (authority, deference and courtesy) were present in the dictionary definitions I looked up.

[jujsky]

Absolutely not! Respect is a 2-way street. If someone is old and rude, I'm fine with my child being rude right back.

[Joshin]

Hmm, lots of food for thought, but I am going to guess that most people see respect as basic courtesy, while I do think it is a deeper thing.

 

Saying a 7 year old is a child doesn't deserve respect because of his age becomes tricky when the 7 year old is in the position of authority. For example, he was the teacher and the adults were the students, and the students were disrespecting him because of his age, not because of his knowledge or teaching ability. If he had been 27, or even 17, he probably would have been treated better, if not with respect at least with courtesy. Not all children behave as immature children, and not all adults behave as mature adults.

 

Deference and respect are different things, although my dictionary lists them as synonyms they have distinct definitions. The definition of deference is "humble submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgment of another." The definition of respect specifically states it is granted because of "abilities, qualities or achievements." To me, there is no age requirement for this. I can respect a two year old for their artistic ability or creativity, and I can respect a renowned 80 year old painter for the same thing. The 80 year old doesn't deserve more because he is 80, although he may deserve more respect because he has had the time and experience to develop his skill further than the two year old.

[Heather in Neverland]

I think the word "blind" is what makes this a sticky question. To me, BLIND respect implies a sort of naive or even stupid level of respect.

 

Should a child respect adults? Absolutely. Are there some adults, however, that should not be respected because of things they have done? Absolutely.

 

My children are taught to respect everyone including adults. But BLIND respect? I don't think so.

[Heather in Neverland]

Absolutely not! Respect is a 2-way street. If someone is old and rude, I'm fine with my child being rude right back.

 

Really? I try to teach my child to take the high road. Why stoop to their rude level?

 

 

 

.

[stripe]

I think being courteous to others unless given a reason not to (e.g. someone is attacking you and you need to kick them) reflects well on the original person. I think this is totally different from blind obedience or foolish admiration. We can be respectful to even those we might consider "questionable" including scuzzy people on the street, politicians whose views we loathe, and so forth. That does not mean we admire them or hold them up as models of a good life.

[justLisa]

Really? I try to teach my child to take the high road. Why stoop to their rude level?

 

 

 

.

 

I agree with that. DS has asked me a few times how to handle a situation with an adult. He has a friend who's father is a jerk. I gave DS a dialogue of how to be diplomatic without being a doormat for mistreatment from him. I am very proud of him for asking and knowing it is not ok to take junk from adults yet not be rude back. My kids often ask me "what would you say mom."

[Night Elf]

There is a definite difference between respecting someone and being courteous to someone. I've never taught my children to "respect their elders' using that particular phrase. I have taught them to always be courteous, and I never put an age constraint on it.

 

It's a good topic though. I'll bring this up at dinner tonight and see what my kids think.

[Joshin]

I used the word "blind" because blind respect is what I was wondering about. Not courtesy, politeness, etc. But the true, first dictionary meaning of the word respect. The way people bandy about the term respect it sounds like it means blind respect. Extreme examples: Joe is the boss so Joe gets respect, even though he is a jerk. Tammy is 75 years old, so she needs respect even if she kills kittens and spits on babies.

 

I know that none of us actually believe that Joe and Tammy deserve respect because of this, but we tell our kids they do every time we tell them to respect their elders. We also confuse them when we then turn around and say respect is earned. We know what we mean. We know we mean respectful behavior and not the deeper meaning of real respect. But our kids may not realize this nuance. We may not be proponents of blind respect, but the message we may be inadvertently sending our kids is one of blind respect. And how can a kid question what we really mean, if they have been lead to believe, even erroneously, that questioning equals disrespect?

[SKL]

I might be tempted if I thought it would be easy to achieve.

 

But I'd say I'm somewhere in-between. Yes, I think children should show respect regardless of whether they agree with the other person or whether they're in a good mood. Respect for every other human is expected. But it happens that the relationship with parents and other caregivers is the one most likely to be subjected to outward disrespect, I think. I mean, generally, it's the parents who have to tell their kids "no," make them do stuff they don't feel like doing, and deal with them when they're tired and hungry. Its the parents they feel safe dumping on even if they have been taught about respect, because they also feel the unconditional love (one hopes). So yes, I think it is appropriate to specifically emphasize respect for parents and other caregivers, including older family members who have a right to tell a child what to do at times. And it's inappropriate to let young kids think they have the same rights as their caregivers who are more qualified to decide what's best for all.

 

When my young kids and I "get into it" at times, I'm very clear. "My job is to take care of you, and YOUR #1 job is to respect me." I think parental respect need not be "earned" but can be "lost" in some circumstances. I don't believe much can be accomplished by chldren who don't respect their parents, mainly because like it or not, children identify strongly with their parents.

 

My kid got lippy once or twice and quipped that I should have to respect her if she has to respect me. The thing is, a young kid doesn't understand what respect really means. It certainly doesn't mean I always have to speak sweetly to a wayward child. I'm not even going to waste time on the "mutual respect" discussion until they are much older.

 

My kids can tell me pretty much anything they want, provided it's in a respectful tone. And I've pretty much heard it all. I'd rather hear "you smell funny" in a pleasant tone than "tuck me into bed" in a crabby tone.

 

As an overall comment, I don't think anyone has to "earn" anyone's respect, unless the person has done something to lose respect.

[Ellie]

Hmm, lots of food for thought, but I am going to guess that most people see respect as basic courtesy, while I do think it is a deeper thing.

No, respect and basic courtesy are not the same things.

 

Saying a 7 year old is a child doesn't deserve respect because of his age becomes tricky when the 7 year old is in the position of authority. For example, he was the teacher and the adults were the students, and the students were disrespecting him because of his age, not because of his knowledge or teaching ability. If he had been 27, or even 17, he probably would have been treated better, if not with respect at least with courtesy. Not all children behave as immature children, and not all adults behave as mature adults.

Ah, more details.

 

The students in the class should have been taught, by their parents, to respect the person in authority. You could call that "blind respect," if you like (although I've never heard the term "blind respect." "Blind obedience," I've heard). But it also turns out that if the students had been taught basic courtesy, they would still have behaved as if they "respected" the person in authority, because of his position; they would eventually have respected him because of his knowledge and ability.

[TammyS]

And how can a kid question what we really mean, if they have been lead to believe, even erroneously, that questioning equals disrespect?

 

By teaching them that "questioning" isn't disrespectful, if it comes from a place of respect. A place of respect says, "On issue X I think the Ole Sally is wrong. But Sally is a lot older than I am and has a lot more experience than I do. Chances are high that I am wrong and Sally is right, because she probably knows something about this that I don't. I am going to ask Sally about this some more."

 

That is a respectful state of mind. I have never met an elder who didn't want to be questioned by a younger person. Elders appreciate when young people want to understand them better and respect their life experience enough to bring questions to them.

 

What elders don't appreciate, and rightly so, IMO, is young people arguing with them and having no sense of respect for their vastly larger life experience.

 

As for the 7 year old, the problem that he encountered was mostly one of courtesy. Yes, the people should have respected his position, because he was "vested with authority" if you will, by the organization running the program. But even if they have some reason to doubt the organization's choice of a 7 year old, they still owed him courtesy as a fellow human being.

[gardenmom5]

absolutely not on the blind respect/following thing. I expect polite and civilized behavior (and with one particular child I"ve had to stress "diplomacy" and "tact"), but certainly not blind following.

 

I was expected to be unconditionally "respectful" (re: deference) of my grandmother. well, she's most likely NPD/BPD and cured me of ever having unconditional feelings or behavior of anykind for anyone.

Edited October 24, 2012 by gardenmom5

[Joshin]

By teaching them that "questioning" isn't disrespectful, if it comes from a place of respect.

 

This is exactly it, I think! I'm not sure if I missed the lesson as a child, didn't understand it, or if it was never intended, but I spent my childhood believing that you don't question authority, but give respect to everyone with authority and all adults. I wanted to be a good kid, but I always felt like a bad kid because I couldn't help but question. Not with my parents because they encouraged questioning, but the other adults in my life (including grandparents, teachers and other friend's parents) would accuse me of being disrespectful, even when I took great pains to phrase questions in ways that wouldn't offend. Eventually, as a teenager, I quit caring if I offended and became quite the brat that questioned authority even when I agreed with them. For me at least, it was confusing message that I missed early on and had to learn as an adult!

 

I agree with Tammy, we must model what we mean. But I know I am guilty of not always modeling it, or even better, explaining it in plain terms to my kids, because for me it seems like common sense and I assume they already understand what I mean! I think it's easy to forget that our kids are just learning these things and often take what we say literally and at face value, missing the deeper nuances we as adults take for granted as common knowledge.

[ElizaG]

(although I've never heard the term "blind respect." "Blind obedience," I've heard).

:iagree: The phrase "blind respect" is kind of loaded, and IMO doesn't make much sense. Respect isn't so much an action as an attitude. The word comes from the Latin for "regard," or, more literally, "to look back at." How can one look back at someone blindly? If anything, that would suggest a lack of respect, because one isn't seeing the value in that person. And everyone has some qualities that are worthy of respect -- whether these are somewhat within the person's control (e.g., character and achievements) or completely outside it (hereditary titles; age; simply being human).

 

So from where I'm standing, it seems as if the problem isn't with "blind respect," but with a sort of "respect blindness" -- a failure to understand the different reasons that people command respect, and the different ways we express it in these circumstances: caring for needs, showing deference, politeness, obedience, etc.

 

I try to teach my children to pay attention and develop an inner sense of these factors, so they will understand how to show appropriate respect to, say, a 3 year old sibling, or an obnoxious older relative, or the chief of police, or a brilliant humanitarian, or a confirmed serial killer (a hard one, but we believe he would still deserve some basic respect as a person, no matter how harmful and revolting his actions are).

Edited October 24, 2012 by Eleanor

[Jean in Newcastle]

:iagree: The phrase "blind respect" is kind of loaded, and IMO doesn't make much sense. Respect isn't so much an action as an attitude. The word comes from the Latin for "regard," or, more literally, "to look back at." How can one look back at someone blindly? If anything, that would suggest a lack of respect, because one isn't seeing the value in that person. And everyone has some qualities that are worthy of respect -- whether these are somewhat within the person's control (e.g., character and achievements) or completely outside it (hereditary titles; age; simply being human).

 

So from where I'm standing, it seems as if the problem isn't with "blind respect," but with a sort of "respect blindness" -- a failure to understand the different reasons that people command respect, and the different ways we express it in these circumstances: caring for needs, showing deference, politeness, obedience, etc.

 

I try to teach my children to pay attention and develop an inner sense of these factors, so they will understand how to show appropriate respect to, say, a 3 year old sibling, or an obnoxious older relative, or the chief of police, or a brilliant humanitarian, or a confirmed serial killer (a hard one, but we believe he would still deserve some basic respect as a person, no matter how harmful and revolting his actions are).

 

Very well said

[Joshin]

I didn't use the term blind respect in error. I really mean that the message I think we sometimes inadvertently send is that respect and blind obedience mean the exact same thing. I can't count the amount of times I heard "you must respect your teacher, coach, grandmother, etc," when the adult telling me this meant "You must obey your teacher, etc."

 

Now, my older son, who is 12, was reading over my shoulder and quipped, "Eh, you're making this too difficult. Put respect on a 10 point scale. Some people deserve a 10 while others deserve a 1, with most deserving a 5, so I try to default to a 5 for everyone and adjust it as I get to know them better. But every once in awhile you run into a math genius that understands negative numbers and achieves a -10 instead." :lol:

[Parrothead]

No. I expect respectful *behavior* in terms of language, courtesy, eye contact, etc. I encourage giving the benefit of doubt in the absence of knowing someone.

 

But blind respect from my kids to older humans? No.

:iagree: My mom was big on respecting her just because she is my mom. It kind of fell flat when she was screaming it at me.

[justkeepswimming]

Yes.

 

Although maybe y'all are misunderstanding the word "respect."

 

We should treat all people courteously. We should make an effort to respect people older than we are because, yes, they are older, and they have had experiences and acquired knowledge and wisdom just because they've lived longer. At least, we should *begin* by making that assumption. When we find that this is not so, we should still treat them courteously, and make an effort to listen for wisdom on their part.

 

Older people should treat younger people courteously, so I guess you could say that would be respectfully, but the truth is that young people, such as 7yo children, are *children,* and therefore more likely to behave, you know, childishly, immaturely.

 

I teach my children to be respectful and courteous to everyone. They are taught to be extra deferential to older people. This does not mean they are to be blindly obedient.

 

What it means is that they will give their chair to an older person- even if that person appears able-bodied, unless my child has a physical need for the chair. My kids don't give their chairs to young people unless that person has a need. I have 1 child who frequently will need the chair more than most older people.

 

It means they should not unnecessarily correct what an older person says, even if my child is correct. I teach them to nod and smile and that being correct is not always important enough to share. My kids will correct a friend or argue about facts with each other, but that should not happen with an adult, and especially not someone that could be described as elderly.

 

It means that my child will patiently listen to what an older person has to say even if they don't want to. There is a time frame to this, but they are taught to be extra kind and considerate.

 

They are taught to call older people Mr/Mrs or Ma'am and Sir unless instructed otherwise. It is a courtesy.

 

They are taught that experience usually brings more wisdom, so we should respect what our elders say. We should give their advice greater weight and more consideration before dismissing it. That doesn't mean we have to do what they say, but that we should respect what they say because of their experience.

 

I teach them to moderate their behavior in the presence of older people. I ask them to speak up, but not to be wildly yelling, and they should not run around unless they are at a playground. I have told them that with age, people sometimes become a little more sensitive and lots of running around makes some people nervous. I tell them that older people tend to not hear as well so they need to speak up louder than usual, and conversely, if they are not the one talking to the older person, then they should keep their voices down so that the older person can hear the person they are talking to.

 

We let older people go first in lines to get food because standing and waiting in line can be uncomfortable.

 

I'm not sure if this falls under your definition of blindly respecting people because of their ages. I definitely do teach them to be more deferential and considerate.

 

:iagree:

[Kathryn]

No. I expect respectful *behavior* in terms of language, courtesy, eye contact, etc. I encourage giving the benefit of doubt in the absence of knowing someone.

 

But blind respect from my kids to older humans? No.

 

This.

[Incognito]

Whenever people say that respect must be earned it really rubs me the wrong way.

 

I think every person has inherent value, and there is a respect we should have for them because of it. My values system builds it upon equal value we have before God. I think a baby and a severly disabled person both deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, but they sure aren't going to be able to easily earn it.

 

Respect meaning awe or deep admiration - well, I think that is a uselessly narrow definition that is being used to justify the idea of not being appropriately respectful to everyone. Sure, it is different when you have awe and admiration for someone's knowledge or understanding of something. But I don't think the word respect is set apart for that idea alone.

 

I also think that whatever we call it, the value of courtesy and respect for those in authority is not being taught as well/as deeply to kids in general. Helping run a childrens' weekly program, over the last 10 years (more if I count my experiences volunteering as a young adult) I've seen self-control as it pertains to courtesy and respect for authority to be on a very steady decline. Even kids from stable families often don't seem to know to keep their feet on the floor instead of climbing all over the furniture. It's ridiculous. It is getting harder and harder to provide a worthwhile program for these kids because more and more of them need very basic education on behavior and respect which burns up the time and energy of the volunteers.

 

I think there are very few kids who suffer from "blind respect" in our current culture. Media and popular culture do not promote a respectful attitude or courteous behavior.

 

Sorry, a bit of a rant.

[Ellie]

I respect the office of President of the United States, even if I don't respect the person holding that position. I would stand when he enters the room, always call him Mr. President, not badmouth him in public (and very, very carefully in private, because who knows who might report my conversations or written words??), do my best to fufill my obligations if I were a government employee. Is that "blind respect"?

 

I respect the position of the Queen of England, even though I am not a British subject. I would stand when she entered the room, only shake her hand if she extended hers first, and refer to her in whatever way I had been instructed by those who know what the heck I'm supposed to say, lol. I would not *curtsy* to her, because I am not her subject, however. Is that "blind respect"?

 

I respect the position of a teacher in a class which I'm taking; I'd do any assignments and whatnot; if that teacher is a peer, I would be polite, because my mother brought me up to be polite, but I wouldn't necessarily *respect* that person as an individual. If I'm in a position of authority, then I'm going to require my students to be respectful of me, at least outwardly, because I cannot control their inward thoughts; I can only try to behave such that their outward respect becomes an inward respect, as well.

 

When I am the teacher, I try to address my students politely, and not to think more highly of myself than I should, and to respect my students as persons whom God loves as much as He loves me, but it is not the same kind of "respect" that I have for the office of the President of the United States nor the position of the Queen of England. Perhaps it should be, but it is not.

[MindyD]

There are different kinds of respect.

 

There is respect for someone's position - like someone in authority or someone who is an "elder". This can be under the definition of "to give deference to" in the dictionary. This simply means that you acknowledge their position appropriately. If the person has authority, you follow it as long as they are not abusing their authority. If the person is simply an "elder", the respect you give them is simply common politeness. It also includes a recognition that the elderly have certain needs and frailties and that giving them a bus seat or opening the door for them (while nice to do for anyone) can be especially appreciated and even needed in their case. And yes, we should have a certain respect for others, no matter what their age.

 

Obviously, respect as in "a deep admiration for someone" cannot be commanded. This kind of respect is earned in the sense that we respond to a certain nobility in their character when we admire someone.

:iagree:

[Amy in NH]

No.

 

We teach our ds that he should be polite and courteous to people in general. Elders and authority figures don't get any kind of magical pass to "extra" respect just because they're older or in charge of something.

 

I think everyone has to earn our respect before it is given to them, but that courtesy is something we can extend to everyone (at least until they turn out to be weasels -- then all bets are off! :D)

 

Additionally, our ds knows that no one has the right to treat him disrespectfully, and if they do, he doesn't have to tolerate it.

 

:iagree:

[nd293]

We don't teach blind respect. I think it's incredibly dangerous, actually. I do teach politeness and kindness to everyone, and that my behavior reflects on me - my behavior is my choice and must be independent of the actions of others.