Wanting advice on inlaw situation

[melissad2]

Dear MIL, my child and the whole family are allergic to nuts. Therefore, you make us break out in hives whenever you're around. We are a nut-free household and can no longer participate in your drama.

 

:lol::lol:

 

Seriously though, that is passive aggressive at its finest!

[Donna]

I just wanted to give you a :grouphug: I don't have any advice but am going through a similar situation at the moment only it is my family not dh's so I can understand.

[JVA]

Ronette- Our dd graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary last spring with a degree in Counseling. Therapists use the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual to help them make diagnoses. Since we've had a NPD person in our family, I remember that to meet the thresholds for a true diagnosis, the patient needs to exhibit 5 out of the 9 characteristics. Ours had 6- easily. This link will give you the details:

 

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

 

Hope this is helpful.

[Word Nerd]

I remember "Chocolate strawberries?!? How could you be so cruel? WAAAAAAH!" woman. :glare:

 

I would let the ball remain in her court, tell SIL and whoever else she's lied to what the real story is if they bring it up, and be happy to not have to deal with her drama for the time being. If DH wants to make another attempt to smooth things over, that's up to him—though even if he did she would find some other excuse for pretending to be a victim and expecting him to grovel. You don't owe her anything and have put up with her baloney with as much grace and kindness as can possibly be expected from anyone. Be free. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

I have read the whole thread. Oh my.

 

I have a son who is lactose intolerant. It is absolutely, totally unacceptable to suggest that ANY member of the family go to a restaurant for a family event and sit there without eating. That is unspeakably rude, and even more so considering that this is about a CHILD making that sacrifice, and a grandson at that. Do not second guess yourself on either your original objection, nor on the lengths that you went to try to accommodate both your ds' needs and your mil's desires. I know exactly how much work that is for you. Your mil is absolutely, totally wrong in every respect on this one.

 

The rest of her behavior is so far inappropriate and immature that I would not, ever, at any time, try to reason with her. Never ever. She is not capable of that, and has no desire to try. She will not change.

 

I have some relatives who are like this, and I know how hard this is.

 

No more accommodating. Shut the door of your heart, and come up with some strategies for shutting down a situation or leaving.

 

For future holidays or MD events: It is unlikely that your dh will want to cut off contact. You will never please her, so from now on, do what is simplest FOR YOU. Choose the restaurant and invite her to come along, or host a meal at your house. She has lost the privilege of choosing.

 

If she starts to rant, say nothing. Leave, quietly and without fuss. No elaborate explanations or declarations. Don't try to talk it through either at the time, or later. Just let it die down over time. If you know something will upset her, have one short sentence that you can repeat without elaboration.

 

The only other thing you can do is make sure that the truth is known to the people who are important to you. You will never be able to reach all the people mil is lying to, so just quietly tell the truth to those you care about, and then let it die down.

 

The consolation is this--you cannot hide crazy. Everyone knows she is like this. There are probably more who are sympathetic to you than you realize.

 

:grouphug:

[jujsky]

I wouldn't do a darned thing -- that's how I'd handle the situation. What an unreasonable harpy! She sounds like the type of person who is looking for an excuse to be mad. There's no pleasing a person like that.

Edited September 21, 2012 by jujsky

[Plink]

Ronette - I didn't realize that the chocolate covered strawberries story was yours!!! I'm sorry your MIL hasn't improved at all. That was a long time ago, and it sounds as if things have only gotten worse. How awful.

 

Emotionally, if you are anything like me, you aren't going to be able to let it go. I feel other people's disapproval very deeply ~ Nothing I can do about that. What I can change is my reaction.

 

If she says she can't go on that date, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we will miss you."

 

If she complains about the gift, "Oh, I am so sorry, feel free to send it back."

 

Don't react. She can only maintain a conversation with herself for only so long before winding herself down. She will still disapprove of you, and you will still feel terrible about it, but you don't need to discuss it, and you certainly don't need to bend over backward to try to make things work out.

 

BTW - The next time FIL calls to complain, ask him politely to please put her on the phone so you can speak with her directly. DO NOT talk with him about it for even a second. There is no reason on earth for him to be bearing her bad news - let her do it herself. Using a 3rd party is certainly only complicating the relationship.

 

Blah - what a rotten family dynamic.

[tots2teens]

Ronette- Our dd graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary last spring with a degree in Counseling. Therapists use the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual to help them make diagnoses. Since we've had a NPD person in our family, I remember that to meet the thresholds for a true diagnosis, the patient needs to exhibit 5 out of the 9 characteristics. Ours had 6- easily. This link will give you the details:

 

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

 

Hope this is helpful.

 

Oh my goodness...this is my mother!!! She has 8 out of 9. I've known she was crazy but now I have a name for it :)

 

To OP, I am so sorry you are going through this!! :grouphug:

I can completely understand. It is very hard but the best thing would be to cut her off. I have had to do that with my own mother. It is very sad. The older kids totally understand & had started to tell ME that they don't want anything to do with her. Until that point, I had tried to keep a relationship going for the kids' sake but when they started telling me she was scaring them, that's when it stopped!

[grantmeawish]

Truly, I'd ignore her antics. I'd call and invite them to dinner at your place. If she brings anything up, just pretend she is a three year old asking for the 50th time for something insane. "I'm not going to discuss that." Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Drama doesn't have to be dramatic. Be the better person and let her choose whether she wants to move on.

 

 

:iagree:Be the better person. Since its you husband's mother you need to keep some sort of relationship. Just set boundries and don't give in to her silly drama. Let it roll of your back.

[Soror]

I'd leave it to dh personally. She doesn't like you or want to talk to you. I wouldn't be hateful but I wouldn't initiate. I also wouldn't give into to her crazy demands either though. I wouldn't engage in those kind of things.

[Impish]

:iagree:Be the better person. Since its you husband's mother you need to keep some sort of relationship. Just set boundries and don't give in to her silly drama. Let it roll of your back.

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

[Mommy22alyns]

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

 

 

This is absolutely true. BTDT.

[curlylocks]

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

 

:iagree: - BTDT w/ MIL...

[labst60]

HOnestly, DH would have to deal with it b/c I would NOT be dealing with that crap.

 

And if you want to use my kids as pawns, don't count on seeing them again.

 

I really think there needs to be a conversation with a true ultimatum (change the behavior or lose your relationship with us) and I think it NEEDS to come from your husband.

 

If my MIL would have said something like that "if your wife doesn't want to come to dinner with me..." it would have ended right there. DH would have corrected her and if she wanted to carry it on, she could do it on her own.

[Truscifi]

:iagree: The more I read, the more upset I am at your DH for continuing to let this happen all these years. He should have stepped in and defended you and told his parents to shove it years ago. This kind of juvenile fit-throwing is ridiculous and should not be tolerated. Tell him to stand up to them.

 

:iagree: Did your dh say anything to her about it? Or about the lack of gift for your dd's bday? You shouldn't be dealing with this AT ALL. She's his mother. If she can't be civil to you, pass it to him, and he can choose how to deal with it.

[Catwoman]

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

 

HOnestly, DH would have to deal with it b/c I would NOT be dealing with that crap.

 

And if you want to use my kids as pawns, don't count on seeing them again.

 

I really think there needs to be a conversation with a true ultimatum (change the behavior or lose your relationship with us) and I think it NEEDS to come from your husband.

 

If my MIL would have said something like that "if your wife doesn't want to come to dinner with me..." it would have ended right there. DH would have corrected her and if she wanted to carry it on, she could do it on her own.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[tots2teens]

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Perfectly said!!!!!

[Lisbeth]

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

 

Yep. If she knows you'll tolerate her extremely bad behavior just because she's faaaaamily, nothing will ever change. Cut.off.

[Word Nerd]

:iagree:Be the better person. Since its you husband's mother you need to keep some sort of relationship. Just set boundries and don't give in to her silly drama. Let it roll of your back.

 

She has been the better person--for years! This isn't an isolated event but part of a pattern of her MIL's unreasonable demands for attention. She isn't a woman who respects boundaries. It isn't being a worse person for her son and DIL to say no more and that they aren't going to play her games anymore.

[CAMom]

:iagree: Did your dh say anything to her about it? Or about the lack of gift for your dd's bday? You shouldn't be dealing with this AT ALL. She's his mother. If she can't be civil to you, pass it to him, and he can choose how to deal with it.

 

He didn't say anything about the lack of a gift but he did tell her that she was wrong about me not wanting to go to dinner with her. She hasn't taken any of his calls since then (I'm sure she watches her caller id) and he quit trying around Father's Day.

 

Oh, and Father's Day....dh called his dad to see if we could do something with him. His dad said they had plans to go out to eat with sil and her family. Fil told dh we were welcome to join them. Guess where they were going? The Brazillian bbq place we couldn't go to for MD because of the allergies. Pretty clear they purposely excluded us from that one.:glare:

 

And just to say again, I won't deal with this with her. Dh will handle any contact. This is just more how should I handle my own emotions and my kids' feelings. Just today the 7yo asked me again when he could see Nana and Papa and spend the night with them. I just said I wasn't sure because we haven't heard from them in a while.

[CAMom]

She has been the better person--for years! This isn't an isolated event but part of a pattern of her MIL's unreasonable demands for attention. She isn't a woman who respects boundaries. It isn't being a worse person for her son and DIL to say no more and that they aren't going to play her games anymore.

 

Thanks for saying that. :grouphug:

 

I know the dynamic can be hard to understand if you've never dealt with this type of personality. But, seriously, this is a well established pattern with her.

[CAMom]

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

 

Yep! You can only take the abuse so long. And, Imp, I know you are all too familiar with this!:grouphug:

 

Personally, I carry a lot of baggage from when I was younger in which the tape in my head constantly says, "You're not good enough to be treated well." I'm finally working through all that and learning to manage my own emotions when it comes to mil.

[CAMom]

I am really sorry to say this but you have fed the wild beast SO much that it's going to be awful, if not impossible, trying to get some peace in this situation now. Your kindness, and dh's, did enable her. I know how difficult these things are. I was the enabler for 19 years.

 

 

You are so, so right, Denise! We have totally enabled her. It's time for it to stop!:)

[CAMom]

It almost seems like you're apologizing for your own feelings and behavior toward your MIL.

 

STOP DOING THAT!!!

 

 

Thanks for yelling at me, Cat! It's exactly what I needed to hear!:grouphug:

[OrganicAnn]

I would totally ignore her. Don't necessarily cut her out of your life, but live life to the fullest without her (and unfortunately be default your FIL).

 

I would try to (without seeming to put too much effort into it) make sure that SIL and other relatives know the real story. If possible I would try to have them know the real story before MIL can tell them her story. So when she tells a whopper they'll say "that's funny brother told us you cancelled on them".

 

Then if I wanted to be mean, I would think of everything that your MIL would love to be invited to, do it and don't invite her but let it get back to her through the family. This is passive aggressive but hey so is she.

[Catwoman]

Personally, I carry a lot of baggage from when I was younger in which the tape in my head constantly says, "You're not good enough to be treated well." I'm finally working through all that and learning to manage my own emotions when it comes to mil.

 

You are good enough. You are better than good enough. You deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. :grouphug:

[8circles]

Yep! You can only take the abuse so long. And, Imp, I know you are all too familiar with this!:grouphug:

 

Personally, I carry a lot of baggage from when I was younger in which the tape in my head constantly says, "You're not good enough to be treated well." I'm finally working through all that and learning to manage my own emotions when it comes to mil.

 

:grouphug:I can relate & I'm sorry you're going through this. Past & present.

 

This sort of advice works when there's 'just' a personality conflict. From things said here, it truly sounds as if there's a personality disorder involved, and when it comes to NPD, all bets are off.

 

Advising to be the 'better person', when dealing w/NPD, results in, "swallow whatever carp they dish out, don't ever demand/expect change, and keep kissing their heinie" b/c anything LESS than that, when dealing w/NPD causes HUGE backlash and blow up.

 

Boundaries are seen as an attack by someone w/NPD. There's no 'just set boundaries' w/them. Boundaries are seen as an insult, a challenge, and provoke HUGE behaviour from them.

 

Just b/c she's the MIL does not mean that anyone 'needs' to keep a relationship w/her. Toxic is toxic, and walking away is a viable, and healthy option.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: x a million.

[brownie]

Didn't read all these posts but honestly - we deal with the same thing. We have 2 PA ds's. Anyone who can't prioritize our kids' safety and health over their own pleasure is cut out of our lives. We cut the in-laws out for the entire summer one year. It was hard. DH met with them a couple of times to reconcile and eventually we went back to being OK, once they agreed to deal with the kids. It will never be what it was but it's OK now. And my in-laws are generally really awesome people.

Brownie

[MomatHWTK]

When DS was first diagnosed and people didn't get it, we just told them we wouldn't come to their house until it was safe.

 

It's not criticism to point out that Nana or whoever doesn't fully understand the allergy and thus can't handle an overnight stay. We only have one other person right now (grandmother) who can be "trusted" because the the complexity of DS' allergies. That may change as your child gets older and learns to be cautious and assertive with adults. But even well-intentioned adults make really MAJOR mistakes (even us parents mess up sometimes) so limiting visits is not unreasonable.

 

 

In your case though, it might be time to quit letting the kids think these folks are someone they aren't. "Nana's not speaking to us so it would be kind of hard to arrange a visit." :glare:

 

As far as DH try to give him time. His relationship with his parents has many layers ranging from childhood to adulthood. It's hard to separate all that out. Giving up on a loved one should take time and be difficult. KWIM?

[Entropymama]

I would just like to add that you said the drama generally centers around Mother's Day. I have experience with this phenomenon, and it means something like your MIL doesn't accept that she's not "the mother" any more, hates that you are, and wants to punish you for it.

 

I'm guessing anyway ;).

 

For some reason, as long as I can remember, my mom reacts like this to her birthday. Even when I was a kid we could never give her a 'nice' birthday. I think she must have experienced some kind of trauma about it as a child or something. Doesn't really help the situation, but it does give me a little more patience with it.

[Impish]

Yep! You can only take the abuse so long. And, Imp, I know you are all too familiar with this!:grouphug:

 

Personally, I carry a lot of baggage from when I was younger in which the tape in my head constantly says, "You're not good enough to be treated well." I'm finally working through all that and learning to manage my own emotions when it comes to mil.

I understand that tape in your head. My parents had a lovely ritual they'd perform...call my older bro and I into their room, and ask, "Who are you?" and we'd be forced to answer, "I'm nobody. I'm nothing." starting from the time I was about 5 (he was 6).

 

Programming from childhood is a da*n hard thing to overcome. :grouphug:

[hillfarm]

To SIL: (From dh) It has bothered me since you said that MIL told you we cancelled on her. The fact is that she actually proposed that we go to a restaurant where ds/pa would have to just sit and watch everyone else eat. When my wife volunteered to give up her MD and stay home with him, MIL started up about her not wanting to be with MIL. Finally after bending over backwards to make arrangements to keep ds safe at one of the restaurants MIL specified, MIL cancelled on us. We have been dealing with craziness like this for years and we are finally done with it. I'm sure you will be hearing some exciting stories in the future. I'd appreciate it if you would check with me first, before writing me off as Atilla the Hun, Hitler, and Satan all rolled up into one. I hope your experience with MIL is better than mine. If not, I am always available as a shoulder to commiserate on.

 

To MIL next MD: Card - Wishing you a great day! Hope you have a great time, with love, XXX (and nothing in between)

 

To FIL, who will inevitably be commanded to call and complain: Gee, Dad. MIL has thrown every single MD gesture we have made in the last 15 years right back into our faces. This last time she finally crossed the line. She hurt my children. She suggested that poor ds/pa be made to just sit at the table and watch everyone else having fun and she didn't give dd a birthday gift to get back at us. You previously made it clear that you don't like our Christmas gifts either. So it is obvious to us that we just can't please either of you. We love you and wish you the best, but we are done trying to please you two. We will give of ourselves and of our time on our own terms. If it meets with your approval, great. If it doesn't, oh well, just par for the course. But there will be no more groveling and trying to make things right with people who will never be satisfied.

 

To your dc: Life is hard and people sometimes make bad decisions and do things that are not right. Unfortunately MIL and FIL have been struggling with some problems for a long time. I think they do love us, in their own way, but they are having a hard time showing that love. Instead they are doing things that seem very mean and uncaring. Your DM and I will not allow them to hurt your feelings. When you get older and strong enough, you can try to develop your own relationship with them. But for now, we have to pull back from much contact with them to help protect everyone's feelings.

 

And then I would go out and have the nice MD dinner that YOU have been denied all these years and move on with life! Which is too short to spend entangled with and trying to baby toxic people.

[Anne in CA]

I'm jumping into the fray late, but my take on this is that your MIL is not happy unless there is a large sacrifice for her happiness on certain days. Like she wants to be worshiped and you are not accommodating her because that is not what you are thinking. You are thinking she should be happy with normal overtures and that other people should be allowed to matter.

 

The only way to maintain a relationship with her is to make sure to sacrifice someone/something to her every holiday. She won't be happy unless someone is suffering for her happiness. Like standing in line for two hours outside Red Lobster, or a small child sitting silently so that she can eat what she likes and be the center of attention. She wants to know that people are suffering for her happiness. That sense of power is possibly the only way she can be happy.

[CAMom]

To SIL: (From dh) It has bothered me since you said that MIL told you we cancelled on her. The fact is that she actually proposed that we go to a restaurant where ds/pa would have to just sit and watch everyone else eat. When my wife volunteered to give up her MD and stay home with him, MIL started up about her not wanting to be with MIL. Finally after bending over backwards to make arrangements to keep ds safe at one of the restaurants MIL specified, MIL cancelled on us. We have been dealing with craziness like this for years and we are finally done with it. I'm sure you will be hearing some exciting stories in the future. I'd appreciate it if you would check with me first, before writing me off as Atilla the Hun, Hitler, and Satan all rolled up into one. I hope your experience with MIL is better than mine. If not, I am always available as a shoulder to commiserate on.

 

To MIL next MD: Card - Wishing you a great day! Hope you have a great time, with love, XXX (and nothing in between)

 

To FIL, who will inevitably be commanded to call and complain: Gee, Dad. MIL has thrown every single MD gesture we have made in the last 15 years right back into our faces. This last time she finally crossed the line. She hurt my children. She suggested that poor ds/pa be made to just sit at the table and watch everyone else having fun and she didn't give dd a birthday gift to get back at us. You previously made it clear that you don't like our Christmas gifts either. So it is obvious to us that we just can't please either of you. We love you and wish you the best, but we are done trying to please you two. We will give of ourselves and of our time on our own terms. If it meets with your approval, great. If it doesn't, oh well, just par for the course. But there will be no more groveling and trying to make things right with people who will never be satisfied.

 

To your dc: Life is hard and people sometimes make bad decisions and do things that are not right. Unfortunately MIL and FIL have been struggling with some problems for a long time. I think they do love us, in their own way, but they are having a hard time showing that love. Instead they are doing things that seem very mean and uncaring. Your DM and I will not allow them to hurt your feelings. When you get older and strong enough, you can try to develop your own relationship with them. But for now, we have to pull back from much contact with them to help protect everyone's feelings.

 

And then I would go out and have the nice MD dinner that YOU have been denied all these years and move on with life! Which is too short to spend entangled with and trying to baby toxic people.

 

I'm pretty sure I love you!:001_wub::001_wub::D What a great way to handle things!

[CAMom]

I'm jumping into the fray late, but my take on this is that your MIL is not happy unless there is a large sacrifice for her happiness on certain days. Like she wants to be worshiped and you are not accommodating her because that is not what you are thinking. You are thinking she should be happy with normal overtures and that other people should be allowed to matter.

 

The only way to maintain a relationship with her is to make sure to sacrifice someone/something to her every holiday. She won't be happy unless someone is suffering for her happiness. Like standing in line for two hours outside Red Lobster, or a small child sitting silently so that she can eat what she likes and be the center of attention. She wants to know that people are suffering for her happiness. That sense of power is possibly the only way she can be happy.

 

Very good insight! Honestly, that helps me process the situation and helps me to remind myself that this is not about anything I have/haven't done.:grouphug:

[CAMom]

I understand that tape in your head. My parents had a lovely ritual they'd perform...call my older bro and I into their room, and ask, "Who are you?" and we'd be forced to answer, "I'm nobody. I'm nothing." starting from the time I was about 5 (he was 6).

 

Programming from childhood is a da*n hard thing to overcome. :grouphug:

 

Wow!! Mine wasn't anywhere near as overt as that. Much more subtle.:grouphug::grouphug:

[Belacqua]

I understand that tape in your head. My parents had a lovely ritual they'd perform...call my older bro and I into their room, and ask, "Who are you?" and we'd be forced to answer, "I'm nobody. I'm nothing." starting from the time I was about 5 (he was 6).

 

Programming from childhood is a da*n hard thing to overcome. :grouphug:

 

Gracious. Did your parents believe they were teaching you humility? Or were they just being mean?

 

And so wrong they were.

[Impish]

Gracious. Did your parents believe they were teaching you humility? Or were they just being mean?

 

And so wrong they were.

I honestly don't know what their motivation was.

 

Knowing them from an adult perspective, realizing that at least my mother has 5/7 traits of a sociopath according to the DSM IV (only 3 are needed to be dx'd) I wouldn't be surprised if she at least, was getting a thrill out of making children grovel and grinding them to dust.

 

Ultimate power and all that.

[Truscifi]

He didn't say anything about the lack of a gift but he did tell her that she was wrong about me not wanting to go to dinner with her. She hasn't taken any of his calls since then (I'm sure she watches her caller id) and he quit trying around Father's Day.

 

Oh, and Father's Day....dh called his dad to see if we could do something with him. His dad said they had plans to go out to eat with sil and her family. Fil told dh we were welcome to join them. Guess where they were going? The Brazillian bbq place we couldn't go to for MD because of the allergies. Pretty clear they purposely excluded us from that one.:glare:

 

And just to say again, I won't deal with this with her. Dh will handle any contact. This is just more how should I handle my own emotions and my kids' feelings. Just today the 7yo asked me again when he could see Nana and Papa and spend the night with them. I just said I wasn't sure because we haven't heard from them in a while.

 

I'm glad your dh is handling things. You have gotten some good advice about how to hadle your own emotions over this - I really can't add much there. As for your kids, it may be time for you and dh to have an honest talk with your 7yo about grandparents. Covering for them may wind up making it worse for him in the long run when they pull a stunt like they did with your dd. I wouldn't vilify them, but let him know what expectations are reasonable for them, if any.

 

I understand that tape in your head. My parents had a lovely ritual they'd perform...call my older bro and I into their room, and ask, "Who are you?" and we'd be forced to answer, "I'm nobody. I'm nothing." starting from the time I was about 5 (he was 6).

 

Programming from childhood is a da*n hard thing to overcome. :grouphug:

 

I'm pretty sure I would get banned for posting a smilie appropriate for that. I'm sorry, Imp. :grouphug:

[Alicia64]

I agree. Cut off contact. Anyone who would expect a child to sit and not eat is nuts.

 

I didn't read all of the pages. . . just the first page. I completely agree with Margaret.

 

You might want to check out this site: http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com Click on their forum. It's women whose mothers or mil are narcissists.

 

Both of my parents are N's and I feel very comfortable and understood there. You don't have to explain the crazy-making drama -- everyone there lives/lived it and understands.

 

It's amazing how many of these people exist in the world and they're nothing but an energy-drain.

 

Take care,

 

Alley

[Impish]

I'm pretty sure I would get banned for posting a smilie appropriate for that. I'm sorry, Imp. :grouphug:

It's ok. I mean, it wasn't, but...you know what I mean.

 

I didn't realize how wrong it was at the time...took being an adult, having kids of my own to realize it was wrong. No kid looks at their parents and thinks that they'd be out to lie, or hurt them. You think your parents, of all ppl, would be loving and honest. So, I believed them, and accepted that there was something horribly wrong w/me that they were trying to fix.

 

Yeah, it still messes w/my head from time to time (certain situations are more difficult than others) and I still have a rotten time hearing any positives about myself, b/c I think, "Well, if you REALLY knew me..." but cutting my parents out of my life has probably been one of the healthiest things I've done...right after marrying Wolf. It's b/c of his unwavering support and acceptance of me that I've been able to really grow and make healthy changes and choices.

 

Anyways.

 

Sorry, OP for the side track. I only wanted you to know that I totally understand what you meant about the tape in your head, believing that you aren't worth being treated properly. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

In your case though, it might be time to quit letting the kids think these folks are someone they aren't. "Nana's not speaking to us so it would be kind of hard to arrange a visit." :glare:

 

:iagree: I'm not sure this is something you need to sugarcoat for your children. They don't need to know all of the details, but I wouldn't pretend your in-laws are lovely people.

[Catwoman]

To SIL: (From dh) It has bothered me since you said that MIL told you we cancelled on her. The fact is that she actually proposed that we go to a restaurant where ds/pa would have to just sit and watch everyone else eat. When my wife volunteered to give up her MD and stay home with him, MIL started up about her not wanting to be with MIL. Finally after bending over backwards to make arrangements to keep ds safe at one of the restaurants MIL specified, MIL cancelled on us. We have been dealing with craziness like this for years and we are finally done with it. I'm sure you will be hearing some exciting stories in the future. I'd appreciate it if you would check with me first, before writing me off as Atilla the Hun, Hitler, and Satan all rolled up into one. I hope your experience with MIL is better than mine. If not, I am always available as a shoulder to commiserate on.

 

To MIL next MD: Card - Wishing you a great day! Hope you have a great time, with love, XXX (and nothing in between)

 

To FIL, who will inevitably be commanded to call and complain: Gee, Dad. MIL has thrown every single MD gesture we have made in the last 15 years right back into our faces. This last time she finally crossed the line. She hurt my children. She suggested that poor ds/pa be made to just sit at the table and watch everyone else having fun and she didn't give dd a birthday gift to get back at us. You previously made it clear that you don't like our Christmas gifts either. So it is obvious to us that we just can't please either of you. We love you and wish you the best, but we are done trying to please you two. We will give of ourselves and of our time on our own terms. If it meets with your approval, great. If it doesn't, oh well, just par for the course. But there will be no more groveling and trying to make things right with people who will never be satisfied.

 

To your dc: Life is hard and people sometimes make bad decisions and do things that are not right. Unfortunately MIL and FIL have been struggling with some problems for a long time. I think they do love us, in their own way, but they are having a hard time showing that love. Instead they are doing things that seem very mean and uncaring. Your DM and I will not allow them to hurt your feelings. When you get older and strong enough, you can try to develop your own relationship with them. But for now, we have to pull back from much contact with them to help protect everyone's feelings.

 

And then I would go out and have the nice MD dinner that YOU have been denied all these years and move on with life! Which is too short to spend entangled with and trying to baby toxic people.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Catwoman]

I understand that tape in your head. My parents had a lovely ritual they'd perform...call my older bro and I into their room, and ask, "Who are you?" and we'd be forced to answer, "I'm nobody. I'm nothing." starting from the time I was about 5 (he was 6).

 

Programming from childhood is a da*n hard thing to overcome. :grouphug:

 

:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

That is absolutely horrible.

 

But what an incredible credit it is to you that you have been able to overcome such terrible treatment and make a good life for yourself, despite everything you went through. You married a great guy and you're a wonderful, caring mom. So many people would have gone the other way, and been mean, bitter, and resentful -- and repeated the process all over again with their own kids. But you haven't done that, and it says a lot about what a strong and good person you are, Imp.

[Mrs Mungo]

Personally, I would neve completely cut ties with family. And, yes, I have family members who have lots of drama and/or craziness and/or certified mental issues. I do set firm boundaries. I do tend to offer get togethers on my terms. Yes, sometimes that makes them unhappy. Yes, I deal with the fallout. Yes, sometimes we have throwdowns.

 

All of that said, We have always lived far away from family, so my dealings can be limited. ;)

 

eta: Not cutting them off would not necessarily mean spending holidays with them. Send flowers, call it a day. Why worry about it when you are going to be vilified, regardless?

Edited September 22, 2012 by Mrs Mungo

[Murphy101]

So you have been PITA MIL free for over 4 months now, since she stopped talking to you at MD, and the problem you need help with is ....what exactly?? Cause I'm not seeing what the situation is that needs dealt with. For cryin out loud woman, don't fix what ain't broken.:D

[CAMom]

So you have been PITA MIL free for over 4 months now, since she stopped talking to you at MD, and the problem you need help with is ....what exactly?? Cause I'm not seeing what the situation is that needs dealt with. For cryin out loud woman, don't fix what ain't broken.:D

 

:lol:

 

My older kids know grandma is like this. They know everything, basically. Maybe it's time to give the 7yo more info. I'll talk to dh about that.