Table manners question: UK, US and other replies welcome

[Laura Corin]

Husband and I are puzzled. We aren't arguing about this because neither of us can quite remember what we were taught. I normally serve food at the stove and hand out plates. When everyone has finished, I offer second helpings.

 

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

 

Thank you

 

Laura

[DusksAngel]

When we served at the table, the person at the head always took first, then it passed around the table until everyone had some (that wanted some). This continued until all dishes had been passed. After that, you just requested the desired dish be passed to you and you served yourself seconds. If there wasn't much left you did ask if anyone else wanted some.

I grew up in Southwest Missouri, USA.

[coffeegal]

Husband and I are puzzled. We aren't arguing about this because neither of us can quite remember what we were taught. I normally serve food at the stove and hand out plates. When everyone has finished, I offer second helpings.

 

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves? Yes, I was taught the mistress of the house takes the first bite, dh says the master.

 

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

 

Yes, but dishes are always passed clockwise... and never use a boarding house reach. ;)

 

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

 

If you are going to finish the dish, you must first ask if anyone else wants it. It is also polite for the other people at the table to refuse and allow the person to finish the dish. Otherwise you may take a portion of what is there.

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

 

Thank you

 

Laura

US

[JennyD]

[quote name=Laura Corin;4206347

 

If' date=' on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

 

Thank you

 

Laura[/quote]

 

USA

 

a) Yes. Well, that's what's everyone is supposed to do. In reality, I have to remind the boys multiple times, day after day after day after day, that they can't start eating until everyone has served themselves. Maybe at some point in the dim and distant future they will finally catch on (she says hopefully).

 

b) Sure, go ahead and take more. That's what the food is there for.

 

c) Take what you want, unless there is one piece left, in which case it is nice to ask if anyone else wants it.

 

I should probably note that as a general matter, I prepare more food than we are going to realistically eat at a given meal. It all gets eaten eventually (DH usually takes leftovers for lunch) but running out of food is not a common dinnertime scenario around here.

[Alice]

Weird double post.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Alice

[Unicorn.]

When we served at the table, the person at the head always took first, then it passed around the table until everyone had some (that wanted some). This continued until all dishes had been passed. After that, you just requested the desired dish be passed to you and you served yourself seconds. If there wasn't much left you did ask if anyone else wanted some.

I grew up in Southwest Missouri, USA.

 

USA. This, except we usually start two dishes, one at each end of the table.

[Alice]

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves? Yes, unless the hostess tells people to go ahead and start. That typically happens at a big family dinner on a holiday if one person is up and down a lot. Or sometimes I am on call and will tell everyoen to start if I keep getting paged.

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end? If everyone has had some, it’s fine to ask for more.

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish? Usually people will either take a small amount of the food (not necessarily an equal portion of what is left but just not all of it). If there is only a little left people will ask “would anyone else like some ____ or would anyone like to split a _______?"

 

Please state your country of origin when replying. US

 

Thank you

[regentrude]

I am from Germany. This is how it works in our family at home, and in other families where I have eaten.

Dishes are placed on the table and not passed around in a circle; if there is something you can't reach, ask somebody to pass you the dish.

 

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

 

Yes. Took some effort to teach the kids ;-)

 

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

Everybody is free to take seconds, even while people are still eating.

 

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

If there is still lots, you take however much you want. If there is little left and you are about to empty a dish, you're supposed to ask if anybody would like some more of this particular food.

[Bang!Zoom!]

There's so many ways to do this....

 

I've always just tried to follow the lead of the house/place/situation we are in. Dd knows what cues to watch for if it's a formal setting, at home, there are a few rituals in place, but nothing anyone here would recognize.

[angela in ohio]

USA

 

a) YES. This is one of my pet peeves. We usually wait until everyone has served their plate before we pray, so everyone has to wait. :D

b) That's fine.

c) Only take some of what is left, unless it is a really small amount.

 

True story about (a): We had Easter dinner here two years ago for a lot of family. My aunt and uncle sat across from us. He is know for enjoying food, AND we had made lamb and honey-glazed ham, bacon green beans, and on and on. It was truly a feast. He started to eat as soon as he had his food, but my aunt nudged him and told him to wait to pray. He sat there with his face inches from his plate, looking like he was going to die at any moment, until he could eat. :lol:

[justLisa]

I always make enough food to feed one hundred people so it's never a problem.

 

RIght now we are working on scooping all of your food without spattering it all over the other people ;)

 

I usually eat a bit here and there from my plate while getting up and down for one hundred other things. Then usually everyone is done and I get to finish in peace!

 

Often I plate everyone's food here because I know what they like and we all seem to have slight preferences. A couple times a week I do the table spread. But that makes so many dishes.

[EmmaNZ]

To answer your questions.....

 

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

I usually serve from the stove too nowadays. If the dishes are in the middle of the table you help yourself from what you can reach and then ask others to pass what you can't reach.

 

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

I was taught to wait and then all start together. My dh's family is pakistani and they are taught to wait until the eldest/most respected person starts. In reality, when it's just us, the kiddies usually start and I'm always last because I'm up and down getting things I've forgotten!

 

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

As a guest at somebody's house I would always wait to be offered. At home, if you want a top-up you're free to help yourself whether or not everybody else has finished.

 

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

I wouldn't actually finish what was left, but wouldn't necessarily work out how much for each person kwim? If there was only a little bit left I'd ask who else wanted it as well then split it. I teach my kids this too.

 

I grew up in the UK.

[Firefly]

Dishes are placed on the table and not passed around in a circle; if there is something you can't reach, ask somebody to pass you the dish.

*snip*

 

Everybody is free to take seconds, even while people are still eating.

 

If there is still lots, you take however much you want. If there is little left and you are about to empty a dish, you're supposed to ask if anybody would like some more of this particular food.

 

:iagree:

 

DH is French and I am from Connecticut in the US, and our custom is the same (and was in our respective houses growing up). Also, no one starts to eat until everyone is served, unless the host or hostess gives the go-ahead.

[ereks mom]

I'm not sure what's the "rule", but I know how we've always done it, whether eating at home or elsewhere.

 

Husband and I are puzzled. We aren't arguing about this because neither of us can quite remember what we were taught. I normally serve food at the stove and hand out plates. When everyone has finished, I offer second helpings.

 

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

 

We each serve ourselves out of the dish that is nearest our plate and then pass it around the table, usually clockwise, but not necessarily. If a dish is particularly heavy, we pass our plates to the person nearest to it and they dip a serving onto our plates.

 

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

We generally don't start eating until all the dishes have been passed around to everyone, but there's no hard and fast rule or expectation.

 

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

We eat at different speeds, and if one person wants more of something before everyone else has finished, he asks someone to pass that dish to him. If we're eating at someone else's house (except family), we wait to be invited to take more.

 

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

When eating at home, if there's only a small amount left of a particular dish, the person who wants more is expected to ask if anyone else wants more before he takes it. If someone does, and there's not really enough for two servings, they share what's left equally. If we're eating at someone else's house, we wait until the host/hostess offers more, no matter how much is still in the serving dish. The hostess will generally ask, "There's only a little more <whatever>. Would someone like the last bit?"

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

USA (Deep South)

 

Thank you

 

Laura

[MamaT]

When we served at the table, the person at the head always took first, then it passed around the table until everyone had some (that wanted some). This continued until all dishes had been passed. After that, you just requested the desired dish be passed to you and you served yourself seconds. If there wasn't much left you did ask if anyone else wanted some.

I grew up in Southwest Missouri, USA.

 

Like this, except everyone takes the dish in front of them and passes it until it goes all the way around. All the dishes are being passed at the same time. We say grace before we pass food, so once you have what you want on your plate, you start eating. My dh and I are both from North Florida, USA.

[Jane in NC]

In recent weeks I have had some meals around a large table with a dozen or so people present. Food is on platters and in bowls. Things are passed around but something inevitably gets forgotten in the chaos. Perhaps Uncle Albert did not want corn on the cob and forgot to pass it. So small child sitting next to Uncle Albert needs to ask him to pass the bowl once he finishes pontificating.

 

When it is apparent that most people have their food, by all means dive in. But you can butter your corn or potato while waiting.

 

Is it polite to take seconds before others have finished? Depends. Some people like salad after their meal, some with. Always leave salad for Grandpa. Do not hog one dish because it is your favorite. Our general rule is no second servings until the rest of the plate is clean. Be aware that Uncle Albert wants seconds too but he is busy talking.

 

Bottom line: consideration is nice but rigidity is not necessary with family. So just be aware.

[RachelFlores]

Although I usually serve from the stove for the average meal, this is exactly how I grew up and how we eat when we have guests or are guests.

 

raised by southerners in Texas and I'm still here

 

We each serve ourselves out of the dish that is nearest our plate and then pass it around the table, usually clockwise, but not necessarily. If a dish is particularly heavy, we pass our plates to the person nearest to it and they dip a serving onto our plates..

 

a. We generally don't start eating until all the dishes have been passed around to everyone, but there's no hard and fast rule or expectation.

 

b. We eat at different speeds, and if one person wants more of something before everyone else has finished, he asks someone to pass that dish to him. If we're eating at someone else's house (except family), we wait to be invited to take more.

 

c.When eating at home, if there's only a small amount left of a particular dish, the person who wants more is expected to ask if anyone else wants more before he takes it. If someone does, and there's not really enough for two servings, they share what's left equally. If we're eating at someone else's house, we wait until the host/hostess offers more, no matter how much is still in the serving dish. The hostess will generally ask, "There's only a little more <whatever>. Would someone like the last bit?"

[Marie131]

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

We pass food around the table taking what is in front of you first and passing it on, we never can remember if it's clockwise or counter clock wise so we just go with whichever.

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

The way I was raised was we pray before we begin dishing food onto our plates, once we have prayed you may begin eating. For dessert, it is usually served by the hostess and no one may begin until the hostess has sat down and taken the first bite.

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

Second helpings are fine and there is no need for an invitation, though invitations are usually offered to the big eaters.

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

If there is only a little food left remaining, before taking a second helping one would ask the other people at the table if anyone else would like some more before helping oneself.

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

 

Thank you

 

Laura

 

I'm Canadian and this is how we do it in my family. In my dh's family however, they have no etiquette. It's a free for all, people start serving themselves as soon as they sit down and do not wait for the rest of the family to get seated before digging in.

[Shamzanne]

I am from Oregon where informality rules. We just take some of what is closest then pass it on. Eat when you are ready. Be considerate of how much you are taking, and if there's only a little bit left offer to share it before taking it all.

 

My years in Kentucky were eye opening - I had no idea there were so many rules for eating. I feel like common courtesy is a good thing but rules just for the sake of rules are silly.

[WagsWife]

Husband and I are puzzled. We aren't arguing about this because neither of us can quite remember what we were taught. I normally serve food at the stove and hand out plates. When everyone has finished, I offer second helpings.

 

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

 

Thank you

 

Laura

 

 

We have taught our kids to wait until everyone has their food before starting to eat. Once they are done, and would like seconds they are free to do so. If there seems like there would not be enough seconds for everyone, I would expect them to ask if there are any other takers. We are in the US.

[ondreeuh]

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

 

Yes, unless they are told otherwise, as in, "Don't wait for me, I will be right back." My husband insists that everyone has to wait for me since I am the one who cooks. I didn't know how much I liked this "rule" until I made a nice dinner for my parents and they were almost done before I sat down. That felt pretty rude! :tongue_smilie:

 

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

 

Everyone helps themselves to 2nds whenever they are ready.

 

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

 

We try to give fair warning if we want to take more than our share, but we're not perfect about that.

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

 

USA

 

Thank you

 

Laura

 

Andrea

[Truscifi]

When we served at the table, the person at the head always took first, then it passed around the table until everyone had some (that wanted some). This continued until all dishes had been passed. After that, you just requested the desired dish be passed to you and you served yourself seconds. If there wasn't much left you did ask if anyone else wanted some.

I grew up in Southwest Missouri, USA.

 

Alabama, US. This is pretty much the way I was taught. And we do wait until everyone has finished serving the first time round to start eating.

[Mom2Es]

I grew up in the U.S. and meals were served "family style," which means all the food was put out on the table and you take whatever is in front of you and then pass it to the right. If you had company over, then usually everyone waited to eat until everything had made it around, but for just immediate family we did not follow that convention. Usually you should offer seconds to others before taking some for yourself.

 

However, when I lived in England, the custom seemed to be that the person who cooked the meal portioned out the main dish on each person's plate while any vegetables or other sides were put on the table and passed. Rarely were there second helpings available of the main dish, so it made sense to do it that way.

[Parrothead]

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

Usually

 

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

At home one is more casual and can take more if one wants it. One should ask if there are any takers. At someone else's house one should wait to be invited for seconds (or thirds).

 

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

One should ask if there are takers or if the food is needed for a plate for a non-present family member.

 

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

USA - I'm a navy brat with no permanent home but my parents raised us as they were raised in the northeast but not New England.

[Amber in AUS]

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work?

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

 

a) Everyone serves themselves and then begins, we don't wait.

 

b) Fine to take seconds but only if you have finished your entire first meal. Not OK to take more food if you still have food on your plate.

 

c) If there is only a small amount of a dish left, just politely ask if there are any other takers for the balance. If there is lots of all the dishes just take a serving of what interests you but don't load the plate with the one dish you love.

 

I don't know if this is customary, but it is certainly what is practiced in my extended family and friendship circle in Australia :)

[Meriwether]

Like this, except everyone takes the dish in front of them and passes it until it goes all the way around. All the dishes are being passed at the same time. We say grace before we pass food, so once you have what you want on your plate, you start eating. My dh and I are both from North Florida, USA.

 

This. Except I'm from the Midwest.

[justasque]

a) Ideally, capable olders serve the food in front of them to each person, via that person passing their plate to the server. (Example - dad serves beef; each person passes their plate to dad for beef. On the plate's way back, someone else might serve the gravy, etc. Each server keeps an eye on the various plates and makes sure they have served/offered the item they're in charge of to each person.) Smaller items - salt, butter - are passed person to person. This is somewhat chaotic but avoids passing large items like roast beef.

 

NO ONE is to eat until 1) everyone has been served each item, and 2) the hostess takes her first bite. The hostess may waive this right if she wants, by asking others not to wait for her, but it is to be honored otherwise.

 

b/c) Seconds: Generally, we wait until everyone is finished their firsts before offering seconds. This way, no one is racing to finish their firsts in fear of losing out on seconds.

 

If an item is in limited supply, one says "I'd like some more potatoes, would anyone else like some?" The item is then divvied up between those who ask for it. If you want some, you are expected to say as much, otherwise you'll miss out. If an item is abundant, or there are no other takers, you can take a reasonable share.

 

SPECIAL RULE FOR YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS: Each person interested in seconds of this highly-prized dish states their dibs. At that point, the "you cut I pick" rule comes into play. If there are two people interested, one cuts the pudding, as close to in half as possible, and the other gets to pick which half they will have. Should the cutter be so foolish to cut unfair portions, they will find themselves with the smaller one. People rarely make this mistake twice. (This can work with three, etc., also - first person cuts into one-third and two-thirds, second person picks one, the two-thirds piece is then cut by the person who got it, and offered to the third person.)

 

Country of Origin - Well, there is a special Yorkshire Pudding rule, so... :D

[katilac]

a) Ideally, capable olders serve the food in front of them to each person, via that person passing their plate to the server. (Example - dad serves beef; each person passes their plate to dad for beef. On the plate's way back, someone else might serve the gravy, etc. Each server keeps an eye on the various plates and makes sure they have served/offered the item they're in charge of to each person.) Smaller items - salt, butter - are passed person to person. This is somewhat chaotic but avoids passing large items like roast beef. <snip>

 

Wow, that seems like it would take forever, lol.

 

One of my stipulations when we got married was that we follow my family's serve from the stove tradition, instead of serving from the table like dh's family. It was a total dealbreaker :D. Putting food in serving dishes is just extra work to me, and surely I'm not the only one who doesn't like looking at big piles of food while I'm eating?

[Audrey]

I do not remember the way I was taught either, Laura! Growing up (in Southern US) we did do "family style" where dishes were all passed around the table. Etiquette was to take no more than a 1/4 (we were a 4-person family), but you could take less. I do not remember what was done for seconds. Where there ever seconds to be had? :lol:

 

Currently, we do it the way dh's family always has (we're in Western Canada). We serve plates. If someone would like seconds, they ask if there are any seconds to be had, and then ask if others would like seconds as well. The available seconds are then divided by whomever wanted more.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Audrey

[Sahamamama]

Husband and I are puzzled. We aren't arguing about this because neither of us can quite remember what we were taught. I normally serve food at the stove and hand out plates. When everyone has finished, I offer second helpings. This is how we handle meals.

 

If, on the other hand, there are serving dishes on the table, how does it work? This was how my family did meals when I was growing up -- all serving dishes on the table. However, we didn't continue the practice, because IMO it (a) makes for a very crowded table, (b) leads to much passing of this and that, © leads to more dishes to clean up afterward.

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves? Yes, everyone waits to start eating until all have served themselves at least the basics of the meal.

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end? We would ask, "Would anyone else like more mashed potatoes?" and then determine our second portion based on supply and demand. :D

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

 

Please state your country of origin when replying.

 

Thank you

 

Laura

 

USA, East Coast, circa 1970s, 80s, and 90s for the above configuration. But as I said, my husband and I now serve meals from the stove. It has many advantages, IMO, and in addition to those listed above, it seems to cut down on easy "seconds." If you want more, at least you have to get up for it. :tongue_smilie:But for us, a reasonable portion is a reasonable portion. If our children ask for more, we usually tell them "No, that was your meal." So hopefully, they won't learn to eat more helpings, simply because the food is in front of them on the table. HTH.

[Ellie]

U.S.A. :)

 

a) Does everyone wait to start eating until all have finished serving themselves?

Everyone waits until the hostess begins eating. Or, rather, she serves herself and passes the serving plate/bowl, and then she begins eating. People begin eating when they have food on their plates.

b) Is it polite to take more before everyone has finished eating, or should one wait to be invited to take more at the end?

It is polite to make sure that everyone has had firsts before one takes seconds.

c) Should one take (for example) 1/4 of the remaining food if there are four people, or should one ask if there are any other takers for that dish?

It is polite to take 1/4 of the remaining food. If there are no other takers after a decent interval (i.e., making sure that everyone has eaten what's on their plates and there seems to be no interest in taking more), then I don't see a problem with helping oneself again.

 

This is assuming a family-style meal, of course. :-)

[OrganicAnn]

In the US

 

Passing dishes at the table is called "Family Style". We pass everything first and once everything has gone around, then usually it is polite to wait for the mother to lift her fork to signal it is okay to eat. Then for seconds, you can take them if there are plenty. If it is getting down to a smaller amount, normally you would ask the people present if anyone else would like seconds. If not, then you can take as much as you like. If one, two, three whatever also want more, then you serve yourself a small portion leaving enough for who ever wanted it. Family style implies more casual.

[8circles]

Raised in the midwest. Immigrant parents (slavic country).

 

Don't begin eating until everyone has been served. Seconds can be taken as soon as you want but assume everyone wants more. After everyone has had an opportunity for seconds, thirds + are first come, first served.

[momma2three]

At home my mother served us from the stove, and it was all very informal. I went to summer camp where we had to behave properly at meals, and what I remember is:

 

The person at the head of the table served the main dish. I don't know if this is because it's proper ettiquette, or because it was usually on a big platter and would be hard to pass around to a bunch of little girls. Then the side dishes would be passed around. Everyone had to wait until everyone had helped themselves to all of the side dishes before you could start eating.

 

You could ask for more at any time. The dishes had to pass around the table, and not over. (You didn't ask about that, but it's ingrained in me so I had to mention it!)

 

The polite way to ask for seconds was to ask if anyone else wanted some more. You could take the last bit, but only if everyone at the table said it was okay. If other people said that they wanted more too, you could only take a smaller portion.

 

This was in the US.