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I was recently pushed to invite a child to my dd's b-day party b/c I did not realize when you made a fb event that it shows up on walls and not just to your invites.

I am friends with a mom and for a while my dd11 really got on well with her dd. My girls are growing into the tween stage. Her dd is 9 and my dd's are 11 and 12. All the kids at the party will be 12-14 yr old girls and boys.

She put me on the spot and I know this kid is going to annoy my kids and their friends. I tried to tell her that the only 9 year olds that will be there are my son and two of the guests younger siblings (they will hang with my son). This child is actually a few months younger than my ds9. Neither of my dd's wanted to invite her.

The mom and I are friends. We talk a lot. I have tried to encourage her dd to make a friendship with my son. She wants to be friends with the big girls. I am going to be blunt. I tried to explain the situation and she just seemed to not realize that when I was saying it was only big kids that I wasn't meaning her young sons, but I meant her dd.

This is going to be a boy/girl party except for a few siblings who will probably hang out together. It is glow in the dark golf with laser tag. There will be music. I am not going to be making rounds and checking on anyone. The kids will arrive and play mini-golf and get arcade tokens, we will serve cake and ice cream, and then they will all go in a separate room for laser tag. She wants to drop her dd off even though I told her the guest list was several 13 and 14 yr old boys.

My dd that used to get on with her dd now is bff's with a 13 yr old girl. My dd also has a big crush on one of the 12 yr old boys coming. My dd now sees this child as being younger than her little brother. My dd has put away her dolls and toys. My friend seemed to only hear what she thought I was saying about younger siblings and little kids besides my son and a few of his friends. This child shuns my son and will not be steered to play mini-golf with the other 9 year olds.

My friend put me on the spot and was all her dd thinks my dd is her friend and really likes my dd. I feel bad b/c I wasn't more blunt in the phone call and didn't just say that my dd has outgrown the friendship.

This is basically going to be what I would have called a jr. high party where the adults hang out at the tables and the kids have fun. I am going to make sure there is no funny business in the dark, but it is not going to be a kiddy party. She wants to drop her dd off. I am imagining this kid getting her feelings hurt by big kids and crying in a corner and I won't even realize it b/c it is going to be 15 or so jr. high kids, 3 4th graders (my son and siblings of 2 of the 13 yr old boys-they are friends of my son and will keep him from bugging his sisters), and my 5 yr old (dh will keep him busy golfing.

Would you try to have another talk with this friend and again tell her it is all jr. high kids except younger siblings. If her dd would play with the 4th graders, it would be fine. I just picture her dd shunning the kids her age and making my girls really hate her. This is going to wreck my friendship with the mom. This kid is going to have a miserable time. It is going to be a fiasco.

What would you do at this point? The b-day party is 3 weekends away.

 

Update in post 26.

New Update in post 50.

Final update post 82.

Edited by OpenMinded
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Honestly, I wonder if you should look at your definition of friendship and see if you are a bit off the mark. I don't believe that real friends dump each other because they have found new, more amusing friends. And I also don't believe that real friends have to the same (age or otherwise). But your definition of friend sounds more like "two people who use each other for amusement until one or both don't find the other amusing anymore". That's treating people like things, not like people.

 

As far as I can see, the younger girl has done nothing to deserve "being outgrown" (which is just code for: you don't amuse me anymore). People who are really growing become BETTER able to see the good in others and to want to share themselves, not less. It's true that sometimes as kids enter the pre-teen phase they tend to get more self centered, but as parents we are supposed to encourage them to rise above that tendency, not to indulge it.

 

If I were the other mother, I probably wouldn't want you for a friend anymore, either. I would know that as soon as you no longer found me amusing, you would "outgrow" me, too.

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Honestly, I wonder if you should look at your definition of friendship and see if you are a bit off the mark. I don't believe that real friends dump each other because they have found new, more amusing friends. And I also don't believe that real friends have to the same (age or otherwise). But your definition of friend sounds more like "two people who use each other for amusement until one or both don't find the other amusing anymore". That's treating people like things, not like people.

 

As far as I can see, the younger girl has done nothing to deserve "being outgrown" (which is just code for: you don't amuse me anymore). People who are really growing become BETTER able to see the good in others and to want to share themselves, not less. It's true that sometimes as kids enter the pre-teen phase they tend to get more self centered, but as parents we are supposed to encourage them to rise above that tendency, not to indulge it.

 

If I were the other mother, I probably wouldn't want you for a friend anymore, either. I would know that as soon as you no longer found me amusing, you would "outgrow" me, too.

 

This is not helpful, Tammy, or constructive. OpenMinded, I hope you get some good advise. I don't really have any for you.

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There are plenty of legitimate instances where people just grow apart or where people were friends because of convenience (sit next to each other in class, work together, the parents are friends) but actually have little in common to maintain a real friendship once that convenience is taken out of the equation.

 

We also have different friends for different reasons. I love my BFF from high school, but she is not into going to book sales with me and I refuse to go camping with her. There is nothing wrong with tailoring your list of invitees to the current situation at hand. It does not make you a bad friend or a bad person.

 

I think you are looking out for the feelings of the 9 year old by not including her in a situation that is really not tailored to her. I don't think your friend will understand that though, especially if the 9 yo is her oldest child. I think what you do now depends on what you want to happen with your friend going forward, as she may take the whole thing very personally.

 

:grouphug:

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I think you have to talk to her about the party being more teen than tween- this kind of thing usually does eventually happen when our kids have friends younger/older. You can couch it so that you're protecting her dd- your older girls are entering teen stage and are allowed to explore crushes and boy/girl stuff that the other mom might (hopefully!) find inappropriate for a 9 year old.

 

And perhaps make it clear that you're not hanging with the kids so she might want to stick around and chat with your group of friends in case her dd is overwhelmed by all the older kids.

 

Sorry you're going through this- our kids have had friends older AND younger, so we've been on both sides of this equation.

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Honestly, I wonder if you should look at your definition of friendship and see if you are a bit off the mark. I don't believe that real friends dump each other because they have found new, more amusing friends. And I also don't believe that real friends have to the same (age or otherwise). But your definition of friend sounds more like "two people who use each other for amusement until one or both don't find the other amusing anymore". That's treating people like things, not like people.

 

As far as I can see, the younger girl has done nothing to deserve "being outgrown" (which is just code for: you don't amuse me anymore). People who are really growing become BETTER able to see the good in others and to want to share themselves, not less. It's true that sometimes as kids enter the pre-teen phase they tend to get more self centered, but as parents we are supposed to encourage them to rise above that tendency, not to indulge it.

 

If I were the other mother, I probably wouldn't want you for a friend anymore, either. I would know that as soon as you no longer found me amusing, you would "outgrow" me, too.

 

I completely disagree. Her dd's and this other girl probably had more in common in previous years. I think that her dd's probably did enjoy the other girls company previously but they have grown up and now have new interests with different friends. The point is that the girl really wouldn't fit in with the party because she is definitely too young for the age group that it is aimed toward.

 

I would probably just try to be very clear with the other mom and tell her that you just don't feel that you can monitor her daughter enough because the party will be so crazy and that you just don't feel comfortable having a 9 year old hanging out with such older kids. If I were a mom that this was said to I would be very relieved that my friend was looking out for my child in this way.

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I would call the mom and explain that you fell 'stuck'. Let her know that your daughter still likes her daughter, but that the laser tag part of the party is just for the 12 and ups. The kids who are younger, are going to play golf. If her daughter would like to join the kids playing golf, she is welcome to. I would let her know that if you let her dd play laser tag, then it opens up the other 'under 12s' to play and that wasn't the plan.

 

I would give the girl the option of coming to the party and playing golf, or getting together another time for a movie date or lunch. By scheduling an activity date, there is a natural cut off time, in case the kids really don't have anything in common anymore. The interests of a pre-teen and a 9yo can be worlds apart.

 

 

We went through this when dd13 was about 10yo. She was the younger kid and honestly, dd was the one who started limiting contact with an older girl. Once the girl started spending most of their time together in headphones/ipod and talking about boys/hair/clothing it became obvious to dd that they had outgrown each other. Just because someone is younger, it doesn't mean that they will want to hang out with the older kid either.

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I would let the mom know that I was worried about the difference in ages and ask my friend to stick around and visit with the adults during the party (instead of doing a drop off).

 

Then.... and this is the tricky part .... I would probably require my kids to be nice to the younger girl. It doesn't mean they have to spend every minute with her, but they have to be polite and friendly and not specifically exclude her. With so much to do and so many friends to do it with, having a 9yo tagging along might not be "cool", but it isn't the end of the world.

 

Another other option might be to invite another 9yo girl or recommend that this one bring along a friend...... it raises up the cost probably, but removes some of the worries you have about this girl having a terrible time.

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This is not helpful, Tammy, or constructive. OpenMinded, I hope you get some good advise. I don't really have any for you.

 

:iagree: Good gracious!

 

I would call the mom and explain that you fell 'stuck'. Let her know that your daughter still likes her daughter, but that the laser tag part of the party is just for the 12 and ups. The kids who are younger, are going to play golf. If her daughter would like to join the kids playing golf, she is welcome to. I would let her know that if you let her dd play laser tag, then it opens up the other 'under 12s' to play and that wasn't the plan.

 

I would give the girl the option of coming to the party and playing golf, or getting together another time for a movie date or lunch. By scheduling an activity date, there is a natural cut off time, in case the kids really don't have anything in common anymore. The interests of a pre-teen and a 9yo can be worlds apart.

 

 

We went through this when dd13 was about 10yo. She was the younger kid and honestly, dd was the one who started limiting contact with an older girl. Once the girl started spending most of their time together in headphones/ipod and talking about boys/hair/clothing it became obvious to dd that they had outgrown each other. Just because someone is younger, it doesn't mean that they will want to hang out with the older kid either.

 

This sounds like a very reasonable approach. I would honestly be a bit frustrated by someone inserting their child in my dd's birthday party. So, when communicating the above option my voice would convey a coolness. This would be something I am choosing to do as a "nice thing" for her child and is not some thing I HAVE to do. Then the mother will be clear on two things: Your feelings about the fact that she has stepped in for her dd, and where and with whom her dd is expected to hang. Otherwise, she can accept the option of a later get together that is more age appropriate for her dd.

 

:grouphug:

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Hmm.

 

What is the traditional etiquette for when someone who was not invited, hears of your party, and invites herself? How did we handle that before facebook?

Well, in order to not appear as rude as the crasher, the crashee was obliged to open the door. The crasher then must put up with the stigma of being a crasher and often times was removed from certain guest lists. ;)

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I think you are looking out for the feelings of the 9 year old by not including her in a situation that is really not tailored to her. I don't think your friend will understand that though, especially if the 9 yo is her oldest child. I think what you do now depends on what you want to happen with your friend going forward, as she may take the whole thing very personally.

 

:grouphug:

 

Her 9 year old is her oldest child. I am more concerned that it is boy/girl and there are several boy/girl "friendships" that will be there.

I am friends with the mom. Our friendship started when my kids were 9,8,6, and 3.....hers were 6, 4, and 3. They were more playdates. The mom and I have only hung out for probably the last year. I did babysit her kids once this summer and the kids all swam together, but the get together would not have happened had she not needed a sitter.

She asked me on the phone if her dd was invited b/c she saw it on fb but didn't see an invite. I replied, Yeah I didn't know it would go out to everyone on my friends walls. She then rushed on that her dd thought my dd was her friend and really liked my dd. I tried to explain about it being big kids and that the only other 9 year olds would be siblings of bigger kids. She just seemed to think I was saying her 9 yr old could come but not her younger boys. I tried telling her there would be a 14 yr old freshman boy there. She didn't hear any of it.

Last year was the same, she asked and kind of made me feel guilty and invited her child. It wasn't a big party thing last year. dd had her bff spend the night and then we picked up friend's dd and went to the movies and mall. The poor kid was not up for shopping with tweens and whined for 2 hours until I took her home. It was horrible. I couldn't let the girls roam the mall without me. I had to go to the restroom b/c she wasn't supposed to go without an adult. I stood outside the stall. I thought by making it a fb event this year that she would never know when the party was and it would be a non-issue and not mess up our friendship.

I like hanging out with the mom and if she would encourage her dd9 to make friends with my ds9 then the boys-my ds5, her ds's 6 and 5 could all have great play dates. My girls would stay home during the play dates.

My girls are starting to like boys, make up is on the horizon, hair straighteners and curling irons. I would no more encourage my ds9 to go to a party for a hs friend that is a 13 year old boy that we have known for years and had lots of play dates together. This boy had a teenage 13 year old bday party last year that the mom called up and asked if I would head up and drive one of the scavenger groups and she did tell me that no one under double digits was invited. I was not offended and it wasn't a party for my ds9. My boys love to be around this 13 yr old boy, but I have to step in and tell them the 13 yr old really wants to hang out with their sister now and they will get it when they are older.

I never intended to mention the party to her. She saw it on fb and it spiraled out of control. Would you take a 9 yr old to a jr. high party where she wouldn't fit in? It isn't about the previous friendship and playdates....it is about where the kids are now. They are in totally different places.

My children babysit 9 year olds. They have a totally different perception of her child. I just need to find a way to get my friend to see that the friendship may stale for a while as the children are in different phases of life and well development.

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What about calling her to say, "I'm sorry, Susan, I would never have publicized my party invitation to those not invited. I didn't understand that FB would do that. I regret that we were unable to invite Little Sally to this event which is for older children, but I hope we can get the girls together to play very soon."

 

"Why can't she come? She''d have a great time!"

 

"I'm sorry, we are planning this event for older children and I'm afraid our guest list is complete. We hope to get together with you soon."

 

"She's your dd's friend. You need to let her come to the birthday party."

 

Ignore. End the conversation.

 

She'll think you're rude but she's wrong. She's rude, both for trying to force an invitation and also for not taking no for answer.

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Hmm.

 

What is the traditional etiquette for when someone who was not invited, hears of your party, and invites herself? How did we handle that before facebook?

 

I had someone invite herself to my son's birthday last year without the help of Facebook.;) She heard someone talking and just assumed that her kids were invited and started telling me what present she was planning to make him. She just assumed because she (and many others in our circle) invite every kid they know to parties; I prefer to limit it to a few close friends of my son. Since he was two last year, I just let her invite herself. This year, however, he has several truly close friends, and her kids are a bit of a mismatch in age and temperament. She already made one comment that makes it look like she thinks they're coming again, but I'm going to say, "I'm keeping it small this year and only having a few of DS's closest buddies over."

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I don;t think this is as much about the other child being "outgrown" as much as what is appropriate for this party.

 

My kids do hang out with younger and older kids. My 10 yo hangs out with her 14 yo dd and her friends from time to tome, but no, I would not allow my 10 yo to go to a teen party. It would just be inappropriate. In other circumstances they can all enjoy one another, but it wouldn't work in a large group of other teens.

 

This mom probably sees her daughter as a bit more mature than she really is.

 

She doesn't see that there are massive differences between 12 yo.s and 9 yos. It's not like they are 7 and 4 yo's playing barbies anymore. They are just in different developmental phases

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Laser tag is definitely out for the 4th graders-the big kids have already declared it will be just like Hunger Games in the laser tag room!!! :lol:

 

There's your out then - call up your friend and let her know that the younger kids will just be doing golf, whatever and won't be playing with the olders. Let her know that her DD will have to hang out with your son and his friends if she wants to come. No exceptions.

 

 

ETA: Realize that she probably wants her DD to attend because she wants to stay friends with you. If her DD is not connecting with your girls, then she is worried the friendship will drop. Give her an out - recommend that you both get together with your younger kids next week and have a play date. Your older girls may choose not to go or they may decide that they do want to play with the youngers, but you and your friend can still hang out.

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Laser tag is definitely out for the 4th graders-the big kids have already declared it will be just like Hunger Games in the laser tag room!!! :lol:

 

 

:D Soooo true.

 

I think you can also use this as ammo. "I'm sorry, but it would be really inappropriate for your 9 year old to attend. The older kids are adamant that they are going to play, and play very hard. They do not want to worry about younger ones getting hurt or having their feelings crushed. There was a mix up with my FB account and this was never meant as an open-ended invitation. I really cannot have 9 year olds at this party. We'll get together at a later date when the older children aren't 'playing for flood'! Ta-ta."

 

Don't leave ANY room in the conversation for her to argue.

 

Faith

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Laser tag is definitely out for the 4th graders-the big kids have already declared it will be just like Hunger Games in the laser tag room!!! :lol:

The few times I played laser tag as a young teen, it was really intense. I cannot imagine the average 9-year-old girl enjoying playing with boys ages 12+. While it isn't theoretically a contact sport, we had plenty of bruises (and bruised egos!) to show for it.

 

I don't have kids this age yet, but I think if it were me I would do what someone else suggested and modify your invite. I wouldn't revoke it completely at this point. I would say, "The laser tag really isn't going to work well for younger kids--I would be concerned about my DS9 getting run over by the with teens! We specifically planned for the elementary kids to play golf instead. If your daughter wants to play with this group, that would be a better fit--laser tag is for the pre-teens."

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I would call the mom and explain that you fell 'stuck'. Let her know that your daughter still likes her daughter, but that the laser tag part of the party is just for the 12 and ups. The kids who are younger, are going to play golf. If her daughter would like to join the kids playing golf, she is welcome to. I would let her know that if you let her dd play laser tag, then it opens up the other 'under 12s' to play and that wasn't the plan.

 

I would give the girl the option of coming to the party and playing golf, or getting together another time for a movie date or lunch. By scheduling an activity date, there is a natural cut off time, in case the kids really don't have anything in common anymore. The interests of a pre-teen and a 9yo can be worlds apart.

 

 

We went through this when dd13 was about 10yo. She was the younger kid and honestly, dd was the one who started limiting contact with an older girl. Once the girl started spending most of their time together in headphones/ipod and talking about boys/hair/clothing it became obvious to dd that they had outgrown each other. Just because someone is younger, it doesn't mean that they will want to hang out with the older kid either.

 

There will be 3 other 4th graders there. They are going to play mini golf with my son and are younger siblings of some of the teens. They are 9 yr old boys though. I am not sure how that would work.

She has always blown my son off when the girls were around. They actually get along well when the girls aren't around.

I plan to call her up in a bit and just tell her that the only 9 yr olds there will be boys to hang with my son and her dd is welcome to come and play golf with them. I will tell her that they will not go in the laser tag room with the big kids b/c they could get clobbered by teen boys intent on living out the Hunger Games ;).

She can decide whether her dd would be happy with that or she can decide I am being unfair to her dd. I just can't worry about it too much. I want the party to be great for my dds.

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Well, in order to not appear as rude as the crasher, the crashee was obliged to open the door. The crasher then must put up with the stigma of being a crasher and often times was removed from certain guest lists. ;)

 

:iagree:

What about calling her to say, "I'm sorry, Susan, I would never have publicized my party invitation to those not invited. I didn't understand that FB would do that. I regret that we were unable to invite Little Sally to this event which is for older children, but I hope we can get the girls together to play very soon."

 

"Why can't she come? She''d have a great time!"

 

"I'm sorry, we are planning this event for older children and I'm afraid our guest list is complete. We hope to get together with you soon."

 

"She's your dd's friend. You need to let her come to the birthday party."

 

Ignore. End the conversation.

 

She'll think you're rude but she's wrong. She's rude, both for trying to force an invitation and also for not taking no for answer.

 

:iagree:

 

9 is a tricky age, They want to be older, but they're not, and the maturity level different between 9 and 12 is night and day. Frankly, I can't imagine (other than your friendship) why this mom is insisting in her kid playing with the older kids-I kept my youngers far from that crowd, and still do, even at 11, because they are still very prepubescent, whereas many their age are full tear in to bras and boyfriends.

 

It's just not appropriate, and that's that. You may just have to take a hard line and say that this child will ave the opportunity to play golf, and that's that. End of story.

 

:grouphug: You can only accommodate a crasher so much. At his point she's quite insisting on being rude, though you've been polite.

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Didn't have a chance to read all the responses to see if this was already covered, but you can edit your fb event to "private". Then only the invitees will see it. If she already clicked the going to button, just delete her from the event. She will no longer be able to see it.

 

You have been given some great advice-hope it works out.

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I was recently pushed to invite a child to my dd's b-day party b/c I did not realize when you made a fb event that it shows up on walls and not just to your invites.

I am friends with a mom and for a while my dd11 really got on well with her dd. My girls are growing into the tween stage. Her dd is 9 and my dd's are 11 and 12. All the kids at the party will be 12-14 yr old girls and boys.

She put me on the spot and I know this kid is going to annoy my kids and their friends. I tried to tell her that the only 9 year olds that will be there are my son and two of the guests younger siblings (they will hang with my son). This child is actually a few months younger than my ds9. Neither of my dd's wanted to invite her.

The mom and I are friends. We talk a lot. I have tried to encourage her dd to make a friendship with my son. She wants to be friends with the big girls. I am going to be blunt. I tried to explain the situation and she just seemed to not realize that when I was saying it was only big kids that I wasn't meaning her young sons, but I meant her dd.

This is going to be a boy/girl party except for a few siblings who will probably hang out together. It is glow in the dark golf with laser tag. There will be music. I am not going to be making rounds and checking on anyone. The kids will arrive and play mini-golf and get arcade tokens, we will serve cake and ice cream, and then they will all go in a separate room for laser tag. She wants to drop her dd off even though I told her the guest list was several 13 and 14 yr old boys.

My dd that used to get on with her dd now is bff's with a 13 yr old girl. My dd also has a big crush on one of the 12 yr old boys coming. My dd now sees this child as being younger than her little brother. My dd has put away her dolls and toys. My friend seemed to only hear what she thought I was saying about younger siblings and little kids besides my son and a few of his friends. This child shuns my son and will not be steered to play mini-golf with the other 9 year olds.

My friend put me on the spot and was all her dd thinks my dd is her friend and really likes my dd. I feel bad b/c I wasn't more blunt in the phone call and didn't just say that my dd has outgrown the friendship.

This is basically going to be what I would have called a jr. high party where the adults hang out at the tables and the kids have fun. I am going to make sure there is no funny business in the dark, but it is not going to be a kiddy party. She wants to drop her dd off. I am imagining this kid getting her feelings hurt by big kids and crying in a corner and I won't even realize it b/c it is going to be 15 or so jr. high kids, 3 4th graders (my son and siblings of 2 of the 13 yr old boys-they are friends of my son and will keep him from bugging his sisters), and my 5 yr old (dh will keep him busy golfing.

Would you try to have another talk with this friend and again tell her it is all jr. high kids except younger siblings. If her dd would play with the 4th graders, it would be fine. I just picture her dd shunning the kids her age and making my girls really hate her. This is going to wreck my friendship with the mom. This kid is going to have a miserable time. It is going to be a fiasco.

What would you do at this point? The b-day party is 3 weekends away.

You could say that her dd can come BUT she has to stay with her since it's a teen party and you're going too be busy coordinating the party.

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The call went awful!!! I told her that I wasn't letting the 4th graders go into the laser tag with the big kids. She got flustered...

She told me that the only person that had a problem with their friendship was me b/c my dd and her dd play well when they are over there. I told her that the guest list was all people in double digits b4 she asked me and the only 9 year olds were younger siblings coming to hang out with my son. I told her there was going to be a 5'10" 14 year old boy in the laser tag room and that small kids would get hurt. She kept on and on about her daughter being almost the same size as my dd and weighing 65 lbs. She told me her dd would be coming to spend time with my dd and if she had to play with the little kids that it wasn't fair. I got grumpy then and flat out told her that the little people were her child's age! They are 9 year old 4th graders. I admitted to her that she threw me off yesterday by asking about it. I told her that no her daughter was not on the guest list. I left off the part where I had asked dds if they wanted to invite her and they said she was really too young for the crowd.

I told her I didn't want to lose her friendship. I didn't want to make her mad. She just said she was sad for her child and that she had to go.

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I think there is a way that you can set your events on FB to where only those invited can see; maybe you can delete the one you made and remake it? then she can't see it? I know that doesn't help now, but I'm pretty sure its not suppose to just advertise to everyone on your fb

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The call went awful!!! I told her that I wasn't letting the 4th graders go into the laser tag with the big kids. She got flustered...

She told me that the only person that had a problem with their friendship was me b/c my dd and her dd play well when they are over there. I told her that the guest list was all people in double digits b4 she asked me and the only 9 year olds were younger siblings coming to hang out with my son. I told her there was going to be a 5'10" 14 year old boy in the laser tag room and that small kids would get hurt. She kept on and on about her daughter being almost the same size as my dd and weighing 65 lbs. She told me her dd would be coming to spend time with my dd and if she had to play with the little kids that it wasn't fair. I got grumpy then and flat out told her that the little people were her child's age! They are 9 year old 4th graders. I admitted to her that she threw me off yesterday by asking about it. I told her that no her daughter was not on the guest list. I left off the part where I had asked dds if they wanted to invite her and they said she was really too young for the crowd.

I told her I didn't want to lose her friendship. I didn't want to make her mad. She just said she was sad for her child and that she had to go.

 

((((hugs))) You did the right thing. She put you in an impossible situation and is probably embarrassed. It will take time, but it is not your fault!.

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Sorry the phone call went poorly. :( My guess is that she's upset because her daughter is upset. I think we've all been in the position of explaining to a heart-broken child why they weren't invited to a party. I think your offer of "different ages doing different things" was generous and would still allow her to attend the party.

 

The fact of the matter is that it is probably not safe for her to be playing laser tag with the big kids, nor would she enjoy it.

 

Stay firm and good luck with the friendship. I should add that a true friend would never put you in this position.

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The call went awful!!! I told her that I wasn't letting the 4th graders go into the laser tag with the big kids. She got flustered...

She told me that the only person that had a problem with their friendship was me b/c my dd and her dd play well when they are over there. I told her that the guest list was all people in double digits b4 she asked me and the only 9 year olds were younger siblings coming to hang out with my son. I told her there was going to be a 5'10" 14 year old boy in the laser tag room and that small kids would get hurt. She kept on and on about her daughter being almost the same size as my dd and weighing 65 lbs. She told me her dd would be coming to spend time with my dd and if she had to play with the little kids that it wasn't fair. I got grumpy then and flat out told her that the little people were her child's age! They are 9 year old 4th graders. I admitted to her that she threw me off yesterday by asking about it. I told her that no her daughter was not on the guest list. I left off the part where I had asked dds if they wanted to invite her and they said she was really too young for the crowd.

I told her I didn't want to lose her friendship. I didn't want to make her mad. She just said she was sad for her child and that she had to go.

 

 

This lady just isn't going to get it. Some people have warped opinions of their kids..lol. I had a potential playdate/get together fall completely flat because the mom wanted my 12 year old girls to play with her two little boys (10 and 7) instead of hanging out with her 13 year old dd and my 15 year old. My girls ARE mature, physically and mentally they are more like 14 year olds. 5'6" and wearing bras for 2 years....yeah they aren't into playing on the swings with little boys..lol. I think you are handling it the best way you can. People who invite themselves to parties have a whole filter missing, IMO.

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I told her I didn't want to lose her friendship. I didn't want to make her mad. She just said she was sad for her child and that she had to go.

 

Yeah, that was really awkward but it had to be said. You really did give her the opportunity to back out gracefully, so it wasn't your fault. Good job.

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Honestly, I wonder if you should look at your definition of friendship and see if you are a bit off the mark. I don't believe that real friends dump each other because they have found new, more amusing friends. And I also don't believe that real friends have to the same (age or otherwise). But your definition of friend sounds more like "two people who use each other for amusement until one or both don't find the other amusing anymore". That's treating people like things, not like people.

 

As far as I can see, the younger girl has done nothing to deserve "being outgrown" (which is just code for: you don't amuse me anymore). People who are really growing become BETTER able to see the good in others and to want to share themselves, not less. It's true that sometimes as kids enter the pre-teen phase they tend to get more self centered, but as parents we are supposed to encourage them to rise above that tendency, not to indulge it.

 

If I were the other mother, I probably wouldn't want you for a friend anymore, either. I would know that as soon as you no longer found me amusing, you would "outgrow" me, too.

 

Wow, that's just harsh.

 

 

 

Your friend is wrong for putting you in this uncomfortable situation. If you don't want to hurt this woman's feelings, I would make a lame excuse about already having the max number of kids invited since she doesn't seem to want to understand that her DD is too young for the age group of the party.

 

 

:iagree: .... but maybe tell her it's a tween party and leave it at that. If she is a true friend, she would understand, even if her feelings were hurt. Sorry this is happening. :grouphug:

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So tired of moms who feel that they have the right to tell you who you must invite to *your* event. Yes, it hurts to be left out. Sometimes being left out is intentional, sometimes it's inadvertent. But personally, I cannot imagine calling another mother on such a thing -- taking it upon myself to decide that surely my child *deserves* to be at an event and then calling the other mother to make sure it happens. In polite society this is called chutzpah. In not-so-polite society ... ;)

 

When dd1 was in the third grade, we had a birthday party for her. She was close to several of the girls in her class, but not all. We sent the invitations via mail since not everyone was invited. Girls talk, however -- that's unavoidable. I got a call from the mother of one of the uninvited girls -- asking me why her daughter had not been invited, and didn't I understand how hurtful it was to leave someone out? I didn't feel guilty -- dd wasn't close to her daughter, and it wasn't like the other girl had no friends and never got invited to parties -- but I was really taken aback by what I saw as the other mother's nerve.

 

A few years later, we had a party for ds. Every year we give the kids the choice of a party or a family outing. That year, it was a party. The next year, we were having a family outing. The morning of ds' birthday, the mother of a child who had been at ds' party the year before called me to say, "Just wanted to let you know that we know it's [my son's] birthday -- if you guys are planning on doing anything special, we'll be in town!" :rolleyes:

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Didn't have a chance to read all the responses to see if this was already covered, but you can edit your fb event to "private". Then only the invitees will see it. If she already clicked the going to button, just delete her from the event. She will no longer be able to see it.

 

You have been given some great advice-hope it works out.

 

Thank you so much!!!!

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:grouphug: The whole situation stinks but you are not the one being rude.

She invited her dd to a party where she wasn't on the guest list, wasn't even going to stay in case her dd had a problem but was planning to drop her off making the dd your responsibility. Then she didn't allow you to clear up the situation in a graceful manner, instead pushing for exactly what you said couldn't happen.

 

Unless her 9 year old daughter is on facebook, her dd probably wouldn't even know about the party without her telling her about it. So any bad feelings are her own fault.

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:iagree:

 

 

:iagree:

 

9 is a tricky age, They want to be older, but they're not, and the maturity level different between 9 and 12 is night and day. Frankly, I can't imagine (other than your friendship) why this mom is insisting in her kid playing with the older kids-I kept my youngers far from that crowd, and still do, even at 11, because they are still very prepubescent, whereas many their age are full tear in to bras and boyfriends.

 

It's j

 

I noticed my ds being treated differently by preteens when he was about 9. As my oldest and only, it still didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out there was a gap in maturity level for the average child. It was kind of hard as a parent, but I also felt it was a great time to discuss age differences with ds. At 9 they aren't stupid, but you have to be willing to broach some of these hard subjects with your kids.

 

 

I'm sorry you got the raw end of the deal, but you were right. She'll either get over it or she won't. :grouphug:

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I don;t think this is as much about the other child being "outgrown" as much as what is appropriate for this party.

 

My kids do hang out with younger and older kids. My 10 yo hangs out with her 14 yo dd and her friends from time to tome, but no, I would not allow my 10 yo to go to a teen party. It would just be inappropriate. In other circumstances they can all enjoy one another, but it wouldn't work in a large group of other teens.

 

This mom probably sees her daughter as a bit more mature than she really is.

 

She doesn't see that there are massive differences between 12 yo.s and 9 yos. It's not like they are 7 and 4 yo's playing barbies anymore. They are just in different developmental phases

 

 

:iagree: Regardless of how she views her child, this party doesn't seem appropriate for the 9 yr. old, unless she wants to play golf with the other 9 yr. olds. I think it's too late to un-invite her, because OP, I think you needed to be even more blunt with her in the first conversation and just say no. Easier said than done, I know. At this point, though, I think I'd call the mom back and say that the 9 yr. old is welcome to come, as long as she plays golf with the other 9 yr. olds, or the mother needs to remain at the party the whole time.

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The call went awful!!! I told her that I wasn't letting the 4th graders go into the laser tag with the big kids. She got flustered...

She told me that the only person that had a problem with their friendship was me b/c my dd and her dd play well when they are over there. I told her that the guest list was all people in double digits b4 she asked me and the only 9 year olds were younger siblings coming to hang out with my son. I told her there was going to be a 5'10" 14 year old boy in the laser tag room and that small kids would get hurt. She kept on and on about her daughter being almost the same size as my dd and weighing 65 lbs. She told me her dd would be coming to spend time with my dd and if she had to play with the little kids that it wasn't fair. I got grumpy then and flat out told her that the little people were her child's age! They are 9 year old 4th graders. I admitted to her that she threw me off yesterday by asking about it. I told her that no her daughter was not on the guest list. I left off the part where I had asked dds if they wanted to invite her and they said she was really too young for the crowd.

I told her I didn't want to lose her friendship. I didn't want to make her mad. She just said she was sad for her child and that she had to go.

 

YIKES! Sorry that happened. I hate awkward situations, but it sounds like you handled it as well as it could have been. You've done nothing wrong here, even though I'm sure it feels icky.

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Honestly, I wonder if you should look at your definition of friendship and see if you are a bit off the mark. I don't believe that real friends dump each other because they have found new, more amusing friends. And I also don't believe that real friends have to the same (age or otherwise). But your definition of friend sounds more like "two people who use each other for amusement until one or both don't find the other amusing anymore". That's treating people like things, not like people.

 

As far as I can see, the younger girl has done nothing to deserve "being outgrown" (which is just code for: you don't amuse me anymore). People who are really growing become BETTER able to see the good in others and to want to share themselves, not less. It's true that sometimes as kids enter the pre-teen phase they tend to get more self centered, but as parents we are supposed to encourage them to rise above that tendency, not to indulge it.

 

If I were the other mother, I probably wouldn't want you for a friend anymore, either. I would know that as soon as you no longer found me amusing, you would "outgrow" me, too.

 

Wow. I'm stunned that you extrapolated so much about the OP's character from that post!

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Ugh--I'm sorry!

 

Those really are tough ages. I have an 11 year old and a 9 year old, and the 11yo has just, over the past few months, really started to act older. Playing with younger kids--kids he's been friends with since he was a preschooler, even--just doesn't work for him anymore. He'll hang out with his brothers when no one else is around, but in a mixed age group he's always with the bigger kids. I do feel bad for my 9 year old who used to be able to move back and forth between older and younger kids, but who now gets shut out of the 11 year old fun every time....all the older kids we know seemed to suddenly grow up at the same time. But that's just how it is--there's no ill intent, just real differences in interests and maturity between 9 year olds and 11 year olds. The 9 year olds will catch up again eventually!

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I was recently pushed to invite a child to my dd's b-day party b/c I did not realize when you made a fb event that it shows up on walls and not just to your invites.

I am friends with a mom and for a while my dd11 really got on well with her dd. My girls are growing into the tween stage. Her dd is 9 and my dd's are 11 and 12. All the kids at the party will be 12-14 yr old girls and boys.

She put me on the spot and I know this kid is going to annoy my kids and their friends. I tried to tell her that the only 9 year olds that will be there are my son and two of the guests younger siblings (they will hang with my son). This child is actually a few months younger than my ds9. Neither of my dd's wanted to invite her.

The mom and I are friends. We talk a lot. I have tried to encourage her dd to make a friendship with my son. She wants to be friends with the big girls. I am going to be blunt. I tried to explain the situation and she just seemed to not realize that when I was saying it was only big kids that I wasn't meaning her young sons, but I meant her dd.

This is going to be a boy/girl party except for a few siblings who will probably hang out together. It is glow in the dark golf with laser tag. There will be music. I am not going to be making rounds and checking on anyone. The kids will arrive and play mini-golf and get arcade tokens, we will serve cake and ice cream, and then they will all go in a separate room for laser tag. She wants to drop her dd off even though I told her the guest list was several 13 and 14 yr old boys.

My dd that used to get on with her dd now is bff's with a 13 yr old girl. My dd also has a big crush on one of the 12 yr old boys coming. My dd now sees this child as being younger than her little brother. My dd has put away her dolls and toys. My friend seemed to only hear what she thought I was saying about younger siblings and little kids besides my son and a few of his friends. This child shuns my son and will not be steered to play mini-golf with the other 9 year olds.

My friend put me on the spot and was all her dd thinks my dd is her friend and really likes my dd. I feel bad b/c I wasn't more blunt in the phone call and didn't just say that my dd has outgrown the friendship.

This is basically going to be what I would have called a jr. high party where the adults hang out at the tables and the kids have fun. I am going to make sure there is no funny business in the dark, but it is not going to be a kiddy party. She wants to drop her dd off. I am imagining this kid getting her feelings hurt by big kids and crying in a corner and I won't even realize it b/c it is going to be 15 or so jr. high kids, 3 4th graders (my son and siblings of 2 of the 13 yr old boys-they are friends of my son and will keep him from bugging his sisters), and my 5 yr old (dh will keep him busy golfing.

Would you try to have another talk with this friend and again tell her it is all jr. high kids except younger siblings. If her dd would play with the 4th graders, it would be fine. I just picture her dd shunning the kids her age and making my girls really hate her. This is going to wreck my friendship with the mom. This kid is going to have a miserable time. It is going to be a fiasco.

What would you do at this point? The b-day party is 3 weekends away.

 

Update in post 26.

 

Well, the Mom is putting you in a difficult position. Is it worth losing the friendship? I don't know. You can gently tell her again that you've been thinking it over and the party is really only going to be suitable for middle school aged kids, but it is not going to go over well, no matter how you phrase it. Have not read your update yet, that I see noted here now.

 

I will tell you what I have observed from having both male and female children who have passed that age, both of whom had 2 year older and 2 year younger friends at that time.

 

The younger kids always stepped it up. Being thrilled to be included with "the big kids", the behavior was excellent and there were no worries, no crying, nothing "babyish". Your mileage may vary.

Edited by TranquilMind
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I plan to call her up in a bit and just tell her that the only 9 yr olds there will be boys to hang with my son and her dd is welcome to come and play golf with them. I will tell her that they will not go in the laser tag room with the big kids b/c they could get clobbered by teen boys intent on living out the Hunger Games ;).

She can decide whether her dd would be happy with that or she can decide I am being unfair to her dd. I just can't worry about it too much. I want the party to be great for my dds.

 

 

That's good too, phrasing it as a safety issue. Which it really could be.

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Well, the Mom is putting you in a difficult position. Is it worth losing the friendship? I don't know. You can gently tell her again that you've been thinking it over and the party is really only going to be suitable for middle school aged kids, but it is not going to go over well, no matter how you phrase it. Have not read your update yet, that I see noted here now.

 

I will tell you what I have observed from having both male and female children who have passed that age, both of whom had 2 year older and 2 year younger friends at that time.

 

The younger kids always stepped it up. Being thrilled to be included with "the big kids", the behavior was excellent and there were no worries, no crying, nothing "babyish". Your mileage may vary.

 

:iagree: If you had pulled off this party without the mom and the 9 year old finding out, I would have said fine, more power to you. I totally get the age thing. My 11 year old son (who will be 12 in 2 months) isn't really excited hanging out with kids much below his age right now. Even kids less than a year younger he is balking at.

 

But that said, a few weeks ago a close friend of his, a neighbor girl had a boy/girl party. She turned 12 and is 3 months older and is going to the neighborhood jr. high. Well, my son is tiny for age and a good head shorter than this girl and by school age would be a grade younger despite the 3 month age difference. They had this party across the street and my son was hurt. The mistake was in using a public forum for birthday invitations. And my neighbors made a mistake in letting thier kids tell my son ALL about this party that he got to watch from across the street. The kids (the girl and her 10 year old brother) were at my house literally an hour before guests arrived.

 

Of course they're going to have hurt feelings. :crying: I'm sure my kid will want a bigger kid event this fall, but I'm going to be very careful to keep the event under wraps. I'm sure he won't want to invite the 10 and 12 year old across the street either. :glare: Nor many of the kids in our regular homeschool play group. And if he advertises it, I'm going to make sure he knows that anyone he tells will need to be invited.

 

I might consider setting up something just for your dd and this 9 year to do together if you are interested in keeping the friendship intact.

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Honestly, I wonder if you should look at your definition of friendship and see if you are a bit off the mark. I don't believe that real friends dump each other because they have found new, more amusing friends. And I also don't believe that real friends have to the same (age or otherwise). But your definition of friend sounds more like "two people who use each other for amusement until one or both don't find the other amusing anymore". That's treating people like things, not like people.

 

As far as I can see, the younger girl has done nothing to deserve "being outgrown" (which is just code for: you don't amuse me anymore). People who are really growing become BETTER able to see the good in others and to want to share themselves, not less. It's true that sometimes as kids enter the pre-teen phase they tend to get more self centered, but as parents we are supposed to encourage them to rise above that tendency, not to indulge it.

 

If I were the other mother, I probably wouldn't want you for a friend anymore, either. I would know that as soon as you no longer found me amusing, you would "outgrow" me, too.

 

Friends grow apart all of the time. Do you really expect your children to remain friends with all of their childhood friends? Both girls would be happier finding friends with interests similar to their own and maybe in a few years, they will find things in common again.

 

Karen

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I think it's a little bold of the other parent to insist that her 9 y.o. be allowed to play with the older kids when your DD's own brother is not going to be allowed to do so. How are you supposed to explain that one to your son?

 

The whole thing was not necessarily handled as diplomatically as would be ideal, but when it comes to the point that the other parent is telling you to make special exceptions for her child- no, that's not her call to make.

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Well, I just got an email accusing me of keeping her daughter from having a friend. She told me that she was hurt that I wasn't honest when she first asked me about the party. I get that, but she wasn't really listening to what I was saying about the party. She said she was hurt that I rescinded the invitation. I didn't rescind it...I amended it. She wanted me to say that dd did not want to be friends with her dd and then she would accept that dd didn't want her dd at the party. She called me a hypocrite b/c there were kids older than my kids coming to the party. She questioned my parenting choices and then said it wasn't her place to question them. She said her friendships aren't based on her kids friendships but that my reply would decide whether our friendship could go on with our differing views of opinion. This is paraphrased not word for word.

I carefully worded my reply and my dds weighed in on what to write. The gist of it was that my dds made the guest list not me. They only invited middle schoolers. The siblings included were to give ds9 friends at the party and to keep them from pestering the middle schoolers. I told her I had promised my dds that the 9 yr olds would play golf together and not bug the middle schoolers. I then told her that my dd considered her dd a friend but that it was a friendship like she has with younger cousins. She is glad to see them and plays with them at their house, but she doesn't call them up and hang out with them. I told her that my dd didn't want to tell her dd that she didn't want to be friends. Her dd just wants something from the friendship that my dd isn't seeking from her dd.

I tried to be very careful in my wording and not hurt feelings. I did not put the party event up to be public. I did not know you had to change it to invitee only. I thought it would only go to the invitees. I have learned a big lesson about facebook events and privacy settings.

She replied that my email clarified things a lot.

I don't really see the friendship surviving this all no matter how much she says her friendships aren't based on her kid's friendships. Her kid is hurt and I get that, but given the situation...I think her feelings would have been more hurt at the party. I do think I understand the term helicopter parent much better now.

Edited by OpenMinded
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