Juniper Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) But, definitely a "please be nice," thread. I need to start off by saying today has been a really rough day. I awoke this morning to find a message from a young woman who had been very close to me when dh and I were in ministry. It had been sent way back in January, but I was just now discovering it. Her family had been a very core part of our children's and youth ministry. Dh and I were her "pastors." In the message she confronts me on our conversion to Orthodoxy. She tells me she cannot understand how I could just stop believing all the things I taught her. That I was leading my family astray and she quoted Luke 17:2 ( It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.) at me and warned me that I was taking my children down this path with me. :crying: I was really upset. Not at her, but that I had been a part of a belief system that encourages this type of thinking. I was regretting the role had played that contributed to this type of fear based thinking. She is an amazing young woman and I am proud of her in so many ways, this just really saddened me. I did speak with my Priest briefly, because I was pretty shook up by the role I had played in her and many other young peoples life. Again, not the part of loving them dearly, but of equipping them with a belief system I no longer endorse in its totality. He had some very comforting words and advice and I moved on with my day. Still a bit bluesy and reflective, but encouraged. Then this evening happened. (In the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal....I know that. But right now I am processing this as I am able.) A couple weeks ago we had a major jurisdictional church conference. Dh and I helped a lot with it, him more so than myself as this was when I came down with Staph. We were not in the planning aspect, but we did what was asked and then some. The person who was heading all this up was our Deacon's wife who is also my/dh godmother and my twins godmother. The week after it was all done she and I were sitting during coffee hour and she told methat her and Deacon were going to be hosting a celebratory "the conference is over" party on the 4th, at their house for everyone involved in the conference and she wanted us to come. I had told the boys that we were going to their godparent house for the 4th (since the boys always ask what our 4th plans are :D) Well, I hadn't heard anything in the way of specifics from her (we had been discussing the menu as the 4th falls on a fasting day), so dh called deacon to verify the plans. Deacon confirmed that they were going to be having people over, but we were not invited. :confused: A bit of an awkward moment. Dh said that was fine he was just double checking since we had not heard anything since I had talked with his wife and were just trying to decide what to do on the Holiday. You know what? Normally I can be really gracious in these situations. People get carried away they talk about something and then on second thought decide they can only invite those who participated in a certain level of involvement. Today is not normal for me. :glare: I am basically feeling slammed from both sides. On one side I am in danger of a punishment worse than having a milestone hung around my neck, because I have such a heavy influence....and on the other I (and my kids) are being disinvited by our godparents, because we do not have enough involvement/influence.:crying: A little while later Deacon called dh back and said they wanted us to come. This wasn't a, "Woops! we got our wires crossed," but more of an awkward attempt at some sort of smoothing over. Kinda like a pity invite. I don't want to go anymore. I just want to take the kids to the beach. I'm hurt and emotional. But, if we don't now it will be a pretty clear message about that hurt. I want to be gracious, I love these people, but I do not want to be a 5th wheel. It would be obvious now that some sort of special "exemption" had been made for us. So, what should I do? Updated at #33. Edited July 3, 2012 by Juniper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I want to be gracious, I love these people, but I do not want to be a 5th wheel. It would be obvious now that some sort of special "exemption" had been made for us. So, what should I do? I would go and let them have an opportunity to be gracious. Hold your head up and have a good time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I wouldn't go. I would say thanks but we made other plans. I would not push myself at others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 It does sound like a "oops wires crossed" between the couple. The wife invites you and the husband say he doesn't think you are invited. I would try to think how you would feel going and how you would feel not going. Then make the best decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I wouldn't go. I would say thanks but we made other plans. I would not push myself at others. I second this. I wouldn't be hateful about it, just say "Well thank you, but we are planning to x instead. Perhaps another time will be better." I wouldn't want to spend the evening thinking my children and I were infringing, I couldn't relax that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: Keep in mind that the conversation between the two guys was a conversation between two GUYS. I've discovered that guys can kind of communicate bluntly. It may be that she misunderstood and thought you would be out of town and when she heard her husband's end of the conversation then she was mortified and immediately wanted to invite you. I'd call her and ask for clarification (nicely). I think perhaps you are reading more into the situation based on what happened previously. I hope it all works out. I'm sorry that you feel a bit beaten down tonight. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 How good of a liar is your husband? Could some kind of, "Oh shoot! juniper already told the kids that we were going to the beach on Wednesday. I wish we had known sooner." I'm really sad that even happened to your family. About the first part, I would just focus on really praying that your young friend be delivered from fear. I would pray that God use you as an example in her life. I have seen people who were extremely narrow minded really grow and mature. I'm even more sorry that both of these things happened on the same day. I'd try just believing that God will use both of the situations for His ultimate good, even if you never see it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I would go to the beach. It could be crossed wires, but maybe not. :grouphug: I get it, I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: Keep in mind that the conversation between the two guys was a conversation between two GUYS. I've discovered that guys can kind of communicate bluntly. It may be that she misunderstood and thought you would be out of town and when she heard her husband's end of the conversation then she was mortified and immediately wanted to invite you. I'd call her and ask for clarification (nicely). I think perhaps you are reading more into the situation based on what happened previously. I hope it all works out. I'm sorry that you feel a bit beaten down tonight. :( This is the one point I am struggling to get clarification on from dh. He is with dd at track practice. I did ask him this specifically and he is a really good people reader. He doesn't have hte impression that it was a woops, but.....it may be in the way the other male is communicating. I think I may have to take Kalanmak's approach. I was just struggling to find a way to both hold my head up and feel good about being there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenniferB Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I would definitely go. You need them and they need you. Of all times to be persevering, now is the time to press in with your new church family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 How good of a liar is your husband? Could some kind of, "Oh shoot! juniper already told the kids that we were going to the beach on Wednesday. I wish we had known sooner." I'm really sad that even happened to your family. About the first part, I would just focus on really praying that your young friend be delivered from fear. I would pray that God use you as an example in her life. I have seen people who were extremely narrow minded really grow and mature. I'm even more sorry that both of these things happened on the same day. I'd try just believing that God will use both of the situations for His ultimate good, even if you never see it. You know what, he's a really good liar. I hate to admit that, but it is true. Thanks for helping me see another option, my eyes are a bit puffy and my emotions are making me a bit short sighted. That is what I love about you all! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) First, sorry that both of those happened to you :grouphug:. As far as the 'millstone' and what you feel is your part...don't have any regrets you were doing the best with your level of understanding and relationship with God at that point in time, just as you are now. I have not ever had a dramatic shift in doctrine, but I look at back and cringe at some of my own leadings and wish I knew then, what I know now. But, I know that I did my utmost best with what I was equipped at that point in time and believe that God will treat me justly as he knows my heart (and yours ;) ). So, no regrets :001_smile:. As far as the invite, it just depends on what you want. You should enjoy the holiday. Where will you feel more joyous? Regardless of your choice, I would probably call up the godmother and say something like, "gosh, I am sorry about the miscommunication between us. I hope this didn't throw a wrench in things"...and just feel out the conversation. I would then end with either, "thanks that's sweet but we went ahead and decided xyz, but no hard feelings" or "well yes ofcourse we will still come" depending on what you feel led to do. :grouphug: Edited July 3, 2012 by jewellsmommy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I would go and let them have an opportunity to be gracious. Hold your head up and have a good time. :iagree: I'm sure the Deacon got an earful from his wife. I'm sure they just had their wires crossed and she forgot to mention to him that she invited you. I know my DH is clueless about some of this stuff. I agree with the 2 GUYS conversation thought. I might call his wife tomorrow and talk to her directly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I wouldn't go for anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) N/m :grouphug: Edited July 3, 2012 by momoflaw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 I would not go. Who gets a call from a fellow church member about details about a party that you are having for fellow church members and says "you aren't invited"?You know it wasn't the best response on his part, but he was obviously caught off guard. I get that. He attempted to recover. It is still hard though to move through invited/not invited emotions...especially on the heels of what happened this morning. I don't think I could go after that and get anywhere close to feeling comfortable. About the first part, i'm sorry you are feeling guilt about your prior beliefs. I think its healthy that you feel that way but hounded to forgive yourself and try to move on. I don't mean that to sound trite but I think it does so im sorry. Be grateful that you are no longer in that belief and pray for those that still are. Remember that God still loves them try to be gracious. But stay away emotionally as well as physically. :grouphug: I think things are just a bit out of proportion for me, because I am feeling a real sense of loss on one end....and a perceived loss on the other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 I would definitely go. You need them and they need you. Of all times to be persevering, now is the time to press in with your new church family. How do you do that?!!! :D So, quickly I forget that one of the factors in converting was the sense of holistic community. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) I don't think you should lie about the situation. They'll know you're lying and you will, too. That actually widens the gap to be bridged by real reconciliation. For me, pretending to not be hurt at the party would be too hard, so it would be better for me to just go to the beach. If you feel awkward about going now, and it sounds like you do , I would just tell the truth: "It just feels a little awkward now and we've decided to go to the beach. Let's talk later in the week. " That is the truth. Having invited, uninvited, and re-invited you, they should understand. Don't go in a pouty way, just go to the beach and have fun with your family. Deal with the hurt when you come home, after the holiday , by talking to her about it. Edited July 3, 2012 by Laurie4b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I second this. I wouldn't be hateful about it, just say "Well thank you, but we are planning to x instead. Perhaps another time will be better." I wouldn't want to spend the evening thinking my children and I were infringing, I couldn't relax that way. :iagree: As for the 1st part, you could try and explain to the young woman why your beliefs changed, or you could just forgive yourself for doing and teaching the best that you knew at the time. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: And I'm jawy (just agreeing w/ you), that you have had a crummy day, and its ok to be bummed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 As far as the invite, it just depends on what you want. You should enjoy the holiday. Where will you feel more joyous? Regardless of your choice, I would probably call up the godmother and say something like, "gosh, I am sorry about the miscommunication between us. I hope this didn't throw a wrench in things"...and just feel out the conversation. I would then end with either, "thanks that's sweet but we went ahead and decided xyz, but no hard feelings" or "well yes ofcourse we will still come" depending on what you feel led to do. :grouphug: :iagree: Be honest and talk to her to feel it out. A lie would be obvious and do nothing to repair the hurt feelings or the awkwardness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I agree with Kalamanak and JenniferB. I would go, and have as good a time as I possibly could. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I would go and let them have an opportunity to be gracious. Hold your head up and have a good time. :iagree: and I would also give them the benefit of the doubt that their wires WERE crossed - after all, she invited you before your dh spoke with him. if you weren't so upset by the message from this morning, would you be as upset about the wires crossed july 4th? as for the message from this morning - you did your best with where you were at that time. if you do communicate with her in future - you can express your love for her, and regrets that where you were then spiritually cultivated such fear in her. for God is a God of love and perfect love (and trust in God) casteth out fear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry for your hurt from both sides. I feel like I know you a little from watching your journey from afar, and I know you'll find a path of grace and joy after all is said and done (but it's ok to feel a little bummed out and hurt, because that's the truth right now). You've moved from a church full of sinners to a church full of sinners. You made a carefully considered move, and it sounds like a great move for your family. I think you should offer the new people (who definitely blew it) the same grace and forgiveness that you'd like the old people (who definitely blew it) to offer you. I'm sure you've blown it a time or two, and He sets the ultimate example of how to deal with people who hurt us. I don't want to minimize your feelings. They're real. But I also know you won't get bogged down in this pit for long. Whatever you do on the 4th, I wish you a wonderful day! Blessings! Joann Edited July 3, 2012 by JoMama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I'd feel just as you do if it were me. :grouphug: So, I'd probably speak with the wife and go from there. Either way, I'd not ask my dh to lie in the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I'd go to the party. It seems very likely to me that this was a total misunderstanding. I believe such misunderstandings happen a lot and cause much more upset than they should given that the intentions of both sides are usually good. We're human, and we mess up sometimes. It seems to me that they love you and want you to be with them. Don't dwell on it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry you are hurt. I can see both sides that had been put out. I'd probably be more like you & feel emotional & find a back door exit as quick as I could.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2denj Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 This is a hard one! I do believe that wires could have been crossed, but I do not think that the husband should have replied with, "you were not invited". He should have said, let me check with....(the wife) and get back with you. I do not think that I would go at this point, it would be awkward. I would however, try to go on with the relationship and forget about this whole situation after the party. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Oh, I'd be really hurt as well, on both accounts. Are they generally kind and friendly? Do you get along well? If so I'd assume mis-communication and go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I don't think you should lie about the situation. They'll know you're lying and you will, too. That actually widens the gap to be bridged by real reconciliation. For me, pretending to not be hurt at the party would be too hard, so it would be better for me to just go to the beach. If you feel awkward about going now, and it sounds like you do , I would just tell the truth: "It just feels a little awkward now and we've decided to go to the beach. Let's talk later in the week. " That is the truth. Having invited, uninvited, and re-invited you, they should understand. Don't go in a pouty way, just go to the beach and have fun with your family. Deal with the hurt when you come home, after the holiday , by talking to her about it. :iagree: Going to the party would feel too awkward to me, but lying about it would increase the gap between you and your friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: you've had a rough day. re the young woman.....folks sometimes mix up the message and the messenger. she has the two linked in her brain, so for you to follow a new path shakes her world a bit. she is upset that her world is shaken and communicates that by being upset with you. its hard to be on the receiving end of that, but in the end, we all have to be as faithful as we can manage. re the party. in the end, we all have to be as faithful as we can manage. for me, that includes being as authentic as i can be, and extending as much grace to others as i can manage. so i wouldn't lie. i would go, as in the end, however it happened, they decided the best thing was to invite you. i'd go out of my way to be helpful while i was there, too, as a way of helping them with the gathering they are hosting - it could be a lot of work for them, and you would be sharing the burden a bit. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 re the party. in the end, we all have to be as faithful as we can manage. for me, that includes being as authentic as i can be, and extending as much grace to others as i can manage. so i wouldn't lie. i would go, as in the end, however it happened, they decided the best thing was to invite you. i'd go out of my way to be helpful while i was there, too, as a way of helping them with the gathering they are hosting - it could be a lot of work for them, and you would be sharing the burden a bit. :grouphug: ann I think that is a good idea. In the past I've had situations where sometimes something similar happened and a friend did a bit of a faux pas or such and I tried very hard to let them know that everything was ok and not let them feel bad for the misunderstanding. As I know in a similar situation I'd be totally embarrassed myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: you've had a rough day. re the young woman.....folks sometimes mix up the message and the messenger. she has the two linked in her brain, so for you to follow a new path shakes her world a bit. she is upset that her world is shaken and communicates that by being upset with you. its hard to be on the receiving end of that, but in the end, we all have to be as faithful as we can manage. re the party. in the end, we all have to be as faithful as we can manage. for me, that includes being as authentic as i can be, and extending as much grace to others as i can manage. so i wouldn't lie. i would go, as in the end, however it happened, they decided the best thing was to invite you. i'd go out of my way to be helpful while i was there, too, as a way of helping them with the gathering they are hosting - it could be a lot of work for them, and you would be sharing the burden a bit. :grouphug: ann You are spot on in both counts!!!! The young woman said as much in her message. I feel a deep sadness for her in this, but there is definitely a mix of hope, because she is a phenomenal young woman. The courage it took her to send that message is something that I admire and will serve her well. I have slept on the other issue, so things are a little better. :D It is true, that without the mornings incident I would have probably reacted a lot more graciously from the get go. These are good people!!!! Very sweet. What I think happened is that the wife talked to me in a casual type situation. Then when she and her dh began the nitty gritty planning, we sorta fell through the cracks. That is unfortunate, but not the end of the world (so I can say now after a good rest and reading so many wonderful responses!!!!) I think we will go and I will do everything in my power to help the evening go smoothly for them. It is being catered at their house and I am well versed in cleaning up after such events. :D I am happy to serve them in this way. With clearer eyes I can see that even if they never quite understand how confusing and painful this event was for me, they are not intentionally this way and would be heartbroken. I still have some baggage of my own to work through when it comes to handling situations with church leaders. Contacting my Priest earlier in the day had sorta maxed out my vulnerability quota. :001_smile: That is why I do not just pick up the phone. It is baby steps for me, and sometimes finding a way to move beyond it without taking it head on is what I can handle. There may be opportunity for discussion that evening, but either way I will be okay. My boys will are thrilled as this means they get to spend the evening with their godparents and their son. They can be quite the trio of boys. ;) Thank you all! I really appreciate just having the pain of the day acknowledged. Here's to today being much better!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 I'm sorry for your hurt from both sides. I feel like I know you a little from watching your journey from afar, and I know you'll find a path of grace and joy after all is said and done (but it's ok to feel a little bummed out and hurt, because that's the truth right now). You've moved from a church full of sinners to a church full of sinners. You made a carefully considered move, and it sounds like a great move for your family. I think you should offer the new people (who definitely blew it) the same grace and forgiveness that you'd like the old people (who definitely blew it) to offer you. I'm sure you've blown it a time or two, and He sets the ultimate example of how to deal with people who hurt us. I don't want to minimize your feelings. They're real. But I also know you won't get bogged down in this pit for long. Whatever you do on the 4th, I wish you a wonderful day! Blessings! Joann Thank you! It was definitely something that was a long process. I needed to hear that acknowledged. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: for both situations. I know for me, regarding the invite, I'd be, "I don't wanna go" and DH would be, "Go! It's your new church family!" and I'd go. LOL. I'll be thinking of you, and I hope you have a wonderful time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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