Why is "socially awkward" considered bad?

[Pegasus]

It's not the same as being rude or unfriendly. :glare: Many people simply feel awkward in social situations.

 

I can greet you with a smile, make small talk, and politely take my leave. You may not even realize that I'm socially awkward. . .or you might notice that I don't make as much eye contact as you expect. However, I feel incredibly awkward the whole time I'm with you. It's not that I don't like you; you seem like a perfectly nice person. I'd just much rather be with family, close friends, or by myself.

 

I'm sometimes surprised by how offended folks seem to be when someone assumes that homeschoolers are socially awkward. No one wants to be stereotyped and you'll find socially awkward folks in every type of schooling situation. However, I view it as a descriptor, not an insult.

 

--Socially awkward Pegasus

[pqr]

I am not sure it is bad, it may make people uncomfortable but it is a far cry from rude or ill mannered

[OrganicAnn]

When people are socially awkward they might not pick up on social cues which may make their behavior appear rude to someone. Also if someone is socially awkward they may avoid some social situations which may appear to some people as rude.

 

So though socially awkward isn't rude, it could possibly lead to behavior that may appear rude to others.

[angel marie]

Yep, some people make quick assumptions on why others act the way they do. Those assumptions come from so many places--the own person's self esteem and many other past experiences. That's why first impressions are not always accurate and we need to give people the benefit of the doubt. I bet after they get to know the person that you have described, they will realize it's not a negative thing, it's just the way they are. I've developed more compassion as I've gotten older, and have become more aware of this. I hope others do too. :001_smile:

Angel

Edited May 27, 2012 by angel marie
insert comma

[*********]

Interesting post. I know some people I'd classify as 'socially awkward' that I do NOT think are rude or unfriendly. However, it's also possible to be socially awkward in a way that IS rude or unfriendly.

[Night Elf]

It's viewed negatively in school as well. Think about the teens in high school who kept to themselves. I know when I was in school, those kids were considered weird. They were often made fun of and laughed at.

[Tarreymere]

Homeschool wasn't legal when I was growing up and there were plenty of socially awkward people in the world. I went to public school from kindergarten through graduation and I am socially awkward.

 

I have seen plenty of socially awkward public school students and plenty of socially adept homeschoolers. I have come to the conclusion that while social skills can be learned, some people are simply born with an aptitude for social interaction while others, most likely those who have introverted personalities, are not born with that aptitude.

 

Schools don't teach social skills, they just throw large groups of same-age kids together. Public school isn't set up to teach social skills, and what kids learn socially while in public school isn't entirely beneficial or positive as we all well know. Public school is also not designed to change the fundamental personality of the student from introverted to extroverted.

 

This said, there is a superficial form of 'social awkwardness' that does result when an individual is put in a social situation with a group of people who expect that the new individual 'should' display the exact same speech patterns, dress, behavior, and attitude as those who belong to that group. This is the form of 'social awkwardness' that some folks like to point out when they talk about 'that awkward homeschooler', but oddly enough it really reflects poorly on the group to have those kind of expectations in the first place.......

[Mommy_of_4]

I went to public school and I am STILL socially awkward!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I think everybody can feel socially awkward in certain settings. I'm pretty extroverted and generally feel comfortable in social settings, but take me to a baseball game or a football game and I feel totally out of place and uncomfortable.

 

I think being socially awkward can be considered "bad" when the person is so socially awkward that he/she makes others around him/her uncomfortable. Not saying that it IS bad, just that maybe that is the source of it being considered bad.

[Lucy the Valiant]

I can see how "socially awkward" could be (COULD, not necessarily IS) a bad thing for the person who has it - if he / she is trying to engage in a relationship (at work, or personally) and can't read the other person or doesn't know how the other person is reading him. I think it would be frustrating.

 

But then again . . . what's that quote, it's no sign of health to be well-adjusted to a mentally ill society.

[AK_Mom4]

I can greet you with a smile, make small talk, and politely take my leave. You may not even realize that I'm socially awkward. . .or you might notice that I don't make as much eye contact as you expect. However, I feel incredibly awkward the whole time I'm with you.

 

I think there is a difference between you FEELING awkward about social interactions and someone who BEHAVES awkwardly in social situations.

 

I think there are plenty of folks out there like you and I who feel uncomfortable and awkward in social situations, but I don't see that as being frowned on. In general, we behave politely and everything is fine.

 

But there are those folks out there who have lousy social skills. Can't maintain a two-way conversation. Interrupt or talk over others. Speak or act inappropriately. Can't take turns. Only monologs on topics of interest to themselves. This is the type of behavior that gets the disapproval.

 

Of course, I don't think homeschoolers are any more likely to behave awkwardly than anyone else. But it's the behavior, not the feeling, that is frowned on.

[myfunnybunch]

I think being socially awkward can be considered "bad" when the person is so socially awkward that he/she makes others around him/her uncomfortable. Not saying that it IS bad, just that maybe that is the source of it being considered bad.

 

I agree.

 

I don't think of "socially awkward" as being about how one feels internally. As a matter of fact, being able to conceal one's awkward feelings and make pleasant small talk is a social skill. :)

 

To me, socially awkward people are those who visibly feel awkward and may make others feel ill-at-ease, or who say the wrong things out of discomfort or cluelessness, or who don't pick up on social cues. It's more about how they make others feel.

 

Am I the only one who thinks the word "awkward" looks, well...awkward...after typing it a few times? :tongue_smilie:

 

Cat

[kitten18]

I think there is a difference between you FEELING awkward about social interactions and someone who BEHAVES awkwardly in social situations.

 

I think there are plenty of folks out there like you and I who feel uncomfortable and awkward in social situations, but I don't see that as being frowned on. In general, we behave politely and everything is fine.

 

But there are those folks out there who have lousy social skills. Can't maintain a two-way conversation. Interrupt or talk over others. Speak or act inappropriately. Can't take turns. Only monologs on topics of interest to themselves. This is the type of behavior that gets the disapproval.

 

Of course, I don't think homeschoolers are any more likely to behave awkwardly than anyone else. But it's the behavior, not the feeling, that is frowned on.

 

I agree.

 

I don't think of "socially awkward" as being about how one feels internally. As a matter of fact, being able to conceal one's awkward feelings and make pleasant small talk is a social skill. :)

 

To me, socially awkward people are those who visibly feel awkward and may make others feel ill-at-ease, or who say the wrong things out of discomfort or cluelessness, or who don't pick up on social cues. It's more about how they make others feel.

 

Am I the only one who thinks the word "awkward" looks, well...awkward...after typing it a few times? :tongue_smilie:

 

Cat

I completely agree.

[happymomofboys]

I went to public school and the years of bullying and exclusion actually caused my social awkwardness. I was a bright, bubbly little girl who loved to talk and loved people right up until I moved to a new state for middle school. Years of being made fun of, picked last, whispered and giggled about, excluded from lunch tables, etc. ruined my self-esteem and confidence. Today I'd rather have dental work done than go to a social function, but I do what I have to do so my kids can be exposed to other children their age. I remember that anytime anyone blames homeschooling for social awkwardness.

 

I think what most of those people really mean when they say that is something like, "Those homeschooled kids are going to turn out WEIRD. They'll respect their parents, communicate with adults, dress appropriately for their age, think for themselves, have their own interests, express their faith, and not care what's popular this week. Who'll want to be friends with a kid like THAT?!"

[5kidsforME]

Interesting post. I know some people I'd classify as 'socially awkward' that I do NOT think are rude or unfriendly. However, it's also possible to be socially awkward in a way that IS rude or unfriendly.

 

:iagree:

[5kidsforME]

I guess we would need to define what we all think as socially awkward.

 

When I think of socially awkward I think of someone that does not read social cues well. Does not know how to act in public. Someone that stands waaay to close and talks right in your face. Someone that cannot read facial expressions and doesn't pick up when someone visibly recoils at them when they are being rude, inconsiderate, annoying etc.

[Mimm]

Really, I think people are offended because other people are assuming that homeschooling is causing the social awkwardness and thus, it is the fault of the parent that the child is like that. Instead of simply assuming it's part of the child's personality people are basically blaming the parent.

[momma2three]

Being able to socialize is an important life skill. There are times when your life is significantly improved through appropriate social skills. During a job interview, for example. With coworkers and managers. With neighbors. And, of course, I think it's important to have friends and a social support system.

 

Feeling socially awkward is different from actually being socially awkward. I think that we've all been in situations where we really don't want to be talking to this person.

 

My sister is a lot smarter than I am, but she is also extremely socially awkward. She can't read cues. She is extremely literal. It gets her in trouble frequently at work. She has an impossible time on job interviews. It makes it hard for her to make friends, and makes her kind of an easy target for people who are looking to control their relationships.

 

Being socially awkward has nothing to do with homeschooling, of course. But this is why socially awkward is considered bad.

[regentrude]

Being socially awkward is certainly not "bad" in a moral sense - but it can be a big hinderance in a practical sense. Interacting with different people, public speaking and presenting are important skills, and a person lacking them will be at a disadvantage in many situations.

 

It has nothing to do with homeschooling. Nevertheless, I consider it an important goal for my children to be socially adept, good public speakers, comfortable in conversations with strangers, because it is a useful skill.

 

ETA: Being socially awkward has nothing to do with being introverted. I know introverts who much prefer to be by themselves, BUT they are socially skilled and can converse and present without difficulty if they have to. That does not mean they have to seek out these situations.

Edited May 27, 2012 by regentrude

[Mommy22alyns]

I went to public school and I am STILL socially awkward!

 

 

:iagree:

[Sevilla]

Here is where I see social awkwardness come into play with homeschool families:

 

1. Parents are socially awkward, and decide to homeschool in large part to spare their children from the bullying they experienced in public school. By nurture AND nature the kids are predisposed to being socially awkward themselves - their personalities may tend that way and their parents do not have the skills to proactively and explicitly teach social norms/skills such taht they're practiced enough to become easier.

 

2. Then the children are homeschooled and their socialization comes in large part from their family - which is a socialy awkward family. That is how you wind up with homeschooled kids with poor social skills. When the parents in the family have good social skills, generally the children do too b/c they are taught those things. When the parents in a hs'ing family have poor social skills they are not able to transmit those skills to their kids AND the kids have more limited opportunities to learn them elsewhere (and I have found that socially awkward hs parents are less likely to be involved in homeschool/community activities - they prefer to keep to themselves and have few friends, which means in turn their kids have few friends and are not involved in much where they can learn those skills).

[gardenmom5]

because people often misread social cues given off by socially awkward people. (just as socially awkward people misread social cues.) we must interact with people in so many ways - and in higher education and the employment world in particular, socially awkward holds you back.

 

eta: I currently have dudeling in a special school program that works on social skills. He's an aspie - and they are notorious for socially awkward. I have adult awkward and a social magnet. big difference, even though the awkward would qualify as brilliant.

Edited May 27, 2012 by gardenmom5

[LaxMom]

Per the discussion with the author of Quiet..., I think it's because we've gone from a culture of character to a culture of personality, and now being socially awkward, or not attuned enough to keep up with inundation of social cues that no longer follow a standard protocol, is outside our cultural norm. Like standing with your back to the door in an elevator. :D

[momma2three]

Here is where I see social awkwardness come into play with homeschool families:

 

1. Parents are socially awkward, and decide to homeschool in large part to spare their children from the bullying they experienced in public school. By nurture AND nature the kids are predisposed to being socially awkward themselves - their personalities may tend that way and their parents do not have the skills to proactively and explicitly teach social norms/skills such taht they're practiced enough to become easier.

 

2. Then the children are homeschooled and their socialization comes in large part from their family - which is a socialy awkward family. That is how you wind up with homeschooled kids with poor social skills. When the parents in the family have good social skills, generally the children do too b/c they are taught those things. When the parents in a hs'ing family have poor social skills they are not able to transmit those skills to their kids AND the kids have more limited opportunities to learn them elsewhere (and I have found that socially awkward hs parents are less likely to be involved in homeschool/community activities - they prefer to keep to themselves and have few friends, which means in turn their kids have few friends and are not involved in much where they can learn those skills).

 

This makes sense, and I have seen this situation in one family.

[intp4yhwh]

Being socially awkward has nothing to do with being introverted. I know introverts who much prefer to be by themselves, BUT they are socially skilled and can converse and present without difficulty if they have to. That does not mean they have to seek out these situations.

 

I would somewhat disagree, and am surprised no one else really mentioned this. In fact, I was thinking how natural it was to replace 'socially awkward' with 'introvert' as I was reading. And no, it has nothing to do with homeschooling or not.

 

Obviously, there are extroverts who are socially awkward (in your face, can't read social cues, that type stuff), but their social awkwardness is different from an introvert's. (example: my dad - extrovert to the core but can't read people for hardly anything because his focus is so much on himself and what he's saying)

 

From what I've seen, though, generally most socially awkward people are introverts (yep, I'm one, too). Think about it, its the 'people people' (people who need people/extroverts) who are generally good socially, and they do outnumber the introverts in society (by how much is debatable), therefore things that become social 'norms' are more likely to be 'defined' by them.

 

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't socially skilled introverts. Many are very skilled socially (my dh & ds for instance), but that has to do with other parts of their personality coming into play. In addition, a lot of times those are the people who feel socially awkward, even though everyone else thinks they're 'normal.'

 

Which brings me to 'normal' - for those of us introverts who are socially awkward, that's our 'normal' and it doesn't always need fixing. Sure, we can 'improve' over time, but in some ways we'll always be 'socially awkward.'

 

An interesting look at it:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/parenting-an-introvert-in-an-extroverts-world/2012/01/31/gIQAqmM1fQ_blog.html

[mommymilkies]

I went to public school and I am STILL socially awkward!

 

:iagree: I got worse over the years, too. I am horribly socially awkward. Luckily only one of my kids is, the rest are "normal" if slightly shy.

[LaxMom]

I'm a non-socially-awkward introvert. That may be part of why I find large groups so exhausting; I'm overly attuned to all the semantic and semiotic nuances that the extroverts around me seem oblivious to.

 

I have no trouble with engaging in one on one conversation or presenting, though.

[momma2three]

From what I've seen, though, generally most socially awkward people are introverts (yep, I'm one, too). Think about it, its the 'people people' (people who need people/extroverts) who are generally good socially, and they do outnumber the introverts in society (by how much is debatable), therefore things that become social 'norms' are more likely to be 'defined' by them.

 

 

I dunno, I've met a lot of socially clueless people who think that they're social rockstars. :lol: When I worked, office parties were always good for that, especially after everyone had a few drinks in them.

 

Again, I think that feeling socially awkward is entirely different from being socially awkward.

[intp4yhwh]

Here is where I see social awkwardness come into play with homeschool families:

 

1. Parents are socially awkward, and decide to homeschool in large part to spare their children from the bullying they experienced in public school. By nurture AND nature the kids are predisposed to being socially awkward themselves - their personalities may tend that way and their parents do not have the skills to proactively and explicitly teach social norms/skills such taht they're practiced enough to become easier.

 

2. Then the children are homeschooled and their socialization comes in large part from their family - which is a socialy awkward family. That is how you wind up with homeschooled kids with poor social skills. When the parents in the family have good social skills, generally the children do too b/c they are taught those things. When the parents in a hs'ing family have poor social skills they are not able to transmit those skills to their kids AND the kids have more limited opportunities to learn them elsewhere (and I have found that socially awkward hs parents are less likely to be involved in homeschool/community activities - they prefer to keep to themselves and have few friends, which means in turn their kids have few friends and are not involved in much where they can learn those skills).

 

Very true ... but let's look at it this way:

 

1. Parents are introverts, and decide to homeschool in large part to spare their children from the bullying and/or misunderstandings they experienced in public or even Christian/private schools. By nurture AND nature the kids are predisposed to beingintroverts themselves - their personalities may tend that way and their parents do not have the innate skills to proactively and explicitly teach social norms/skills such that they're practiced enough to become easier.

 

2. Then the children are homeschooled and their socialization comes in large part from their family - which is an introvertfamily. That is how you wind up with homeschooled kids who are predominately introverts. When the parents in the family are extroverts, generally the children are too b/c they are predisposed in that way (again, by nurture AND nature). When the parents in a hs'ing family are introverts they do not automatically transmit those skills to their kids AND the kids have more limited opportunities to learn them elsewhere (and I have found that introverted hs parents are less likely to be involved in homeschool/community activities - they prefer to keep to themselves and have few friends, which means in turn their kids have few friends and are not involved in much where they can learn those skills)

 

I would agree - in our family of 7, there is only 1 predominate extrovert and 1 borderline extrovert. The thing is for parents to recognize this, and provide opportunities for the extroverts, even though it can be difficult. On the other hand, extrovert parents should realize that just because they have a 'socially challenged introvert,' that doesn't mean they'll change a whole awfully lot by being dragged (yes, introverts see it that way) to all sorts of social functions/opportunities. BTW, the article I posted a link to in my last post had a great example of this.

[Crimson Wife]

There's socially awkward because of difficulty reading social cues, and then there's socially awkward because one has very different interests than the mainstream. I know quite a few people (including a number of homeschoolers) who come off as rather socially awkward in a typical large group setting but who are not at all awkward when interacting with someone with a common interest.

[gardening momma]

I would somewhat disagree, and am surprised no one else really mentioned this. In fact, I was thinking how natural it was to replace 'socially awkward' with 'introvert' as I was reading. And no, it has nothing to do with homeschooling or not.

 

Obviously, there are extroverts who are socially awkward (in your face, can't read social cues, that type stuff), but their social awkwardness is different from an introvert's. (example: my dad - extrovert to the core but can't read people for hardly anything because his focus is so much on himself and what he's saying)

 

From what I've seen, though, generally most socially awkward people are introverts (yep, I'm one, too). Think about it, its the 'people people' (people who need people/extroverts) who are generally good socially, and they do outnumber the introverts in society (by how much is debatable), therefore things that become social 'norms' are more likely to be 'defined' by them.

This is why people were saying there are two kinds of socially awkward. My [insert relative here--I decided I shouldn't give the title] would be considered an extrovert, and generally does well socially, but she sometimes doesn't think before she speaks and is rude without knowing it. She tends to be a little flighty, scatterbrained, and naive at times.

[Murphy101]

That's easy.

 

If agreement to social conformity is the most expected social requirement, then those who do not will be viewed negatively. Even if it's actually just because they are ackward in their effort to conform.

[intp4yhwh]

I'm a non-socially-awkward introvert. That may be part of why I find large groups so exhausting; I'm overly attuned to all the semantic and semiotic nuances that the extroverts around me seem oblivious to.

I'm a self-admitted socially-awkward introvert and dread large group functions unless they're made of friends. In addition, regardless of whether the group is made of friends or not, I still find them exhausting. If we have a few days in a row of lots of people interaction, a lot of times I won't want to see anyone outside my family for a good week. :glare:

 

I have no trouble with engaging in one on one conversation or presenting, though.

:iagree: except for the presenting part. ;)

[LaxMom]

 

 

:iagree: except for the presenting part. ;)

You're in good company. I'm pretty sure most people fear public speaking more than death, according to surveys done.

[Sevilla]

On the other hand, extrovert parents should realize that just because they have a 'socially challenged introvert,' that doesn't mean they'll change a whole awfully lot by being dragged (yes, introverts see it that way) to all sorts of social functions/opportunities. BTW, the article I posted a link to in my last post had a great example of this.

Introvertedness doesn't change, but awareness and skill in practicing the social norms/niceties/subtext of one's culture/subculture/society is a LEARNED SKILL for the majority of people and something that absolutley can change. This is how people are able to adapt to other cultures - they learn new social norms. Some people require more explicit teaching/explanation/practice in this arena than others, but the confluence of an introverted nature with social awkwardness is not warranted IMO/IME.

[5kidsforME]

You're in good company. I'm pretty sure most people fear public speaking more than death, according to surveys done.

 

 

Me, me, me. Ugh.

[gardening momma]

You're in good company. I'm pretty sure most people fear public speaking more than death, according to surveys done.

A few days ago I took part in an awards ceremony--for kids, but parents and other people were there too. I've done this before, I've even headed up these award ceremonies in the past. But I was very nervous this time--until I got up there. Then it just flowed. I realized later that I didn't look at a single face. I think I just gazed out there, unfocused on anyone at all, although it probably didn't appear that way. (I was a shy child, probably introverted...I'd consider myself borderline introvert/extrovert now.)

[kitten18]

Here is where I see social awkwardness come into play with homeschool families:

 

1. Parents are socially awkward, and decide to homeschool in large part to spare their children from the bullying they experienced in public school. By nurture AND nature the kids are predisposed to being socially awkward themselves - their personalities may tend that way and their parents do not have the skills to proactively and explicitly teach social norms/skills such taht they're practiced enough to become easier.

 

2. Then the children are homeschooled and their socialization comes in large part from their family - which is a socialy awkward family. That is how you wind up with homeschooled kids with poor social skills. When the parents in the family have good social skills, generally the children do too b/c they are taught those things. When the parents in a hs'ing family have poor social skills they are not able to transmit those skills to their kids AND the kids have more limited opportunities to learn them elsewhere (and I have found that socially awkward hs parents are less likely to be involved in homeschool/community activities - they prefer to keep to themselves and have few friends, which means in turn their kids have few friends and are not involved in much where they can learn those skills).

I completely agree with you. I have thought the same thing but couldn't put it into words.

 

 

I don't think being introverted and being socially awkward are at all the same.

[momma2three]

Introvertedness doesn't change, but awareness and skill in practicing the social norms/niceties/subtext of one's culture/subculture/society is a LEARNED SKILL for the majority of people and something that absolutley can change. This is how people are able to adapt to other cultures - they learn new social norms. Some people require more explicit teaching/explanation/practice in this arena than others, but the confluence of an introverted nature with social awkwardness is not warranted IMO/IME.

 

:iagree: with the bolded.

 

I'm not sure I agree that everyone can learn social skills, though. I think some people can "fake it till they make it," but I think it's largely a personality thing. You're either born with a great deal of emotional empathy and the ability to "read" other people, or you aren't.

[dirty ethel rackham]

From what I've seen, though, generally most socially awkward people are introverts (yep, I'm one, too). Think about it, its the 'people people' (people who need people/extroverts) who are generally good socially, and they do outnumber the introverts in society (by how much is debatable), therefore things that become social 'norms' are more likely to be 'defined' by them.

 

I would disagree. Just because someone is withdrawn, doesn't actually mean they are introverts. It may mean that they are beaten down by years of being unsuccessful in social situations. Introversion/extroversion is about whether or not they find other people energizing versus exhausting, not social skills.

[Rhonda in TX]

I'm a self-admitted socially-awkward introvert and dread large group functions unless they're made of friends. In addition, regardless of whether the group is made of friends or not, I still find them exhausting. If we have a few days in a row of lots of people interaction, a lot of times I won't want to see anyone outside my family for a good week. :glare:

 

 

This is me. Especially that last sentence.

[Bluegoat]

Maybe because it stinks to be socially awkward?

 

I have a really hard time with meeting new people or making small talk with people I don't know. I am pretty sure I often see, socially awkward at such times, or at least very aloof or dull.

 

It is pretty stressful for me and it sometimes stops me from doing things or meeting people I would like to.