EXPATS- current and former- third culture ADULTS?

[Heather in Neverland]

I know all about TCK syndrome (we had to read a book on it before we moved here), but I am wondering... How did living as an adult expat affect YOU?

 

We will be going back to America to visit as a family for the first time in three years. I know that isn't a terribly long time but it FEELS long. We are very excited but I also feel a little... I don't know... Weird. :001_huh:

 

I feel "disconnected" I guess, like I am waking up from a three year dream, and I will be looking around to see if I recognize anything familiar.

 

Here in my expat community I feel normal. We are all the same in that we are all different. :tongue_smilie: But in the larger Malaysian context, I obviously don't fit in and now I feel like I don't fit in perfectly with America, either.

 

This experience has changed me and everything is just different now.

 

Am I making any sense? If you have spent significant amounts of time living in a country that is not your own, did you feel this way, too? Did you feel out of place when you went back to your country?

 

.

[FaithManor]

Bumping for you Heather.

 

I can't speak from any personal experience, but I can say that my sister's two years of living on a reservation and teaching in a very, very poor school made her feel quite "un-at-home" when she left that position. I think this is normal. She had a chance to view the American culture from a completely different perspective and her life was vastly different from the one she'd left. It changed her. For the better I'd say too! But, since this kind of experience tends to make one very reflective of both the bad and the good of the culture you were raised in, I think the fitting in part never entirely returns because the ex-pat views life through a lens that non ex-pats never do.

 

All I can say is that she spent a year in Paris after that and between those two experiences, she has never "fit in" since. I think this may have been uncomfortable for a while, but she has peace with it now and though she is working stateside, she's content with feeling odd if that makes sense.

 

As an adult, I do think her adjustment was far easier because she wasn't completely removed from American culture while on the reservation. However, if ever there was an "American born for Paris" it was her. Combining those two living experiences back-to-back did seriously impact how she felt about American culture after that.

 

I've known other ex-pats that never quite felt at home here. Some really, really wanted to go back to their "home" country and couldn't due to employment or health or education choices for their children but they never became comfortable here. Others eventually became comfortable being "not normal" - whatever that means! :D

 

Faith

[regentrude]

I If you have spent significant amounts of time living in a country that is not your own, did you feel this way, too? Did you feel out of place when you went back to your country?

.

 

 

Yes and no.

We are Germans, but have been living in the US for a total of 13 years now. We initially stayed 2 years and then lived in Germany again, but have now been here for 11 years straight. We do travel home every summer, because all our family is there and we raise our children bilingually. Three years ago, we spent a whole semester in Germany.

On a personal level, every time it feels as if we have not been gone at all. We are still instantly connecting to all our friends (even though we do not keep in contact throughout the year, just see them in summer). Staying with my parents feels as if I have never left.

On a more global level, though, I do not feel as if I "belong". I notice that my interest in German politics has been steadily waning, that i don't feel as if things concern me anymore. I see German society as if from the outside, not as somebody who is part of it.

 

On the other hand, I do not feel American either, because my upbringing imprinted a distinctly German culture. I think this is pretty much the fate of each first generation immigrant.

[Teachaheart]

I am both an adult TCK and a third culture adult. I have never felt like I truly fit in outside either military or expat communities even though I have not left the US in nearly 10 years now. I view the world differently than the people I know who have always lived where I live now. I have gaps in US cultural knowledge from the years I lived overseas, but those gaps, rather than being empty, are filled with cultural knowledge and experiences from my host countries. I'm still an American, but I am more than that too.

[DawnM]

Have you read any of the Among Worlds articles?

http://www.tckworld.com/

 

I am not sure if the magazine is in print anymore, but many of the articles are published in the book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1857885252/84-20/

 

That may be the book you have already read. I think much of it can still apply to adults.

 

Ruth Van Reken is a friend of our family's and was an MK as well as a missionary in Liberia. David Pollock has since passed away but he worked at my boarding school for a while and his son was in my class. Both have huge hearts for TCKs and those who don't feel they fully belong on either side of the globe, but belong to both in many ways.

 

Your home country will never truly feel like HOME again.

 

I still struggle a lot with restlessness and thinking of living here, in this house, forever, makes me feel trapped and fearful. I will never feel my roots are truly here. I have seen and felt things that most people don't even really care about, much less wish to hear about or experience. That was the hardest part for me.

 

This is why my best friends are still my MK friends I grew up with. I just came back from the beach, where 12 of us gals from my graduating class at boarding school met and we meet every year, we usually get from 10-14 who can come. It feeds my soul and we laugh and cry until the wee hours of the morning each day and feel like end of term good-byes again when we have to leave. It is painful, healing, and amazingly wonderful all together.

 

Sorry, I am rambling and I could go on and on and on about all of this. The truth is, seeking out those friendships with those who share like experiences is key for most of us, even if it was a different country they were in or different mission or whatever.

 

Dawn

Edited May 21, 2012 by DawnM

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

you have identified most of what i feel.

 

if you need to laugh about it, bill bryson's "stranger in a strange land" about coming "home" to the usa after living in britain for 20 years raises many of the things in a humorous way. i gave it to my family, too, so they had some idea that this wasn't a cake walk...

 

after living in germany for five years, i got surprised by things i "knew" but where the "knowing" had been rewritten. eg. i was astonished the first time i bought something and they charged me tax in addition to the sticker price. i knew it, but had become accustomed to the tax being added to the sticker price in the store, not at the cash register....

 

the older girls who learned to do many things in england still catch themselves sometimes. eg. i taught them to cross the street in england. "look right and then left" and so they did, moving their heads as they said it. fast forward 24 years, and they both still say "look left and then right".... but their heads do what they first learned in britain.... even yet....

 

and there are unexpected moments of feeling at home in places you've never been.... our first trip to new zealand, the food tasted "right".... because it was still mostly natural, the meat mostly pasture raised, etc, etc, and tasted as food tasted when i was a child.

 

so we capture moments of feeling "at home", and realize that the upside is that we can feel at home several different places, and that the downside is that we are never completely at home.....

 

people ask us where we're from, and are met with silence, because we have choices, and aren't sure at that moment which choice is most descriptive.

 

we have international visitors who want "typical american food", and i panic..... i cook french food, i cook german food, i cook french canadian food, i make a mean scone and trifle..... but for food what i've added to my recipe book since moving here all seem to be mexican. lol.....

 

:grouphug: it is a learning. we are richer for it. and we have a great group of friends and colleagues who are also "internationalists".....

ann

[Embassy]

I lived abroad for a year when I was 20. It took me years to readjust and then my perspective was not quite the same as others. I moved away from the USA over 3 years ago and have not been back. I am close to the border too. Right now I don't have the desire to go. I'm not looking forward to feeling like a stranger in my homeland when I go for a visit. I don't expect to ever move back to the USA. I wasn't in a community of ex-pats in either situation so I assimilated into the new country a great deal.

[Happy]

Dh and I are third culture adults, I guess. We lived in Europe for a time and loved it. Would still be there if the job still existed. My sons are very much TCKs..especially the youngest. He is my European guy.

 

In fact, I prayed we would get to stay long enough to be permanently changed by our experiences. I'm thankful we did.

 

For us...for me, at least...I'm still a Texan, but I'm also European now....and I don't know how to explain that. It's a food, culture, amibiance thing....my chocolate is Belgian, my wine is Italian, my bread French....I drooled over some pottery from Portugal today, and I believe a person should 'spiff up' before setting foot outside the house. All those things I absorbed in Europe. So, maybe, a thinking thing, too....I came back from Europe with a appreciation for 'nice' things...do it right! No exceptions. lol

 

We love hanging out with other people who've lived overseas. They get the food, culture, amibiance thing...even though we all lived in different countries, we speak the same 'language.'

 

When we first came back, I was struck by a couple of things...one, the grocery stores were full of ready made food. I thought to myself that in ten years or so, no one in America would know how cook. I'm not sure I'm far off there, except for those cooking for health reasons. ;)

 

I also thought how sad it was people HURRIED so much. One of my continuing frustrations with locals here is how busy they are...few people have time for a long, leisurely, impromptu dinner. Sigh.

 

I savor my multi-cultural experiences. For us, Texas is Home...the farm where dh grew up and we lived for a time is HOME. Always. But the joy is that we are very much at home in Belgium, France, Italy, and Germany, too. Even here..in the depths of our eyes is a sparkle that comes from having walked to the neighborhood bakery every day in Belgium.

 

Lots of rambling, I know. I may not have addressed any of your thoughts...but your post triggered a wellspring of 'OH YES!' from me. I love that we are both at home and not at home in the world. You'll find, I hope, that with that comes a tremendous feeling of confidence and poise.

[freesia]

I know all about TCK syndrome (we had to read a book on it before we moved here), but I am wondering... How did living as an adult expat affect YOU?

 

We will be going back to America to visit as a family for the first time in three years. I know that isn't a terribly long time but it FEELS long. We are very excited but I also feel a little... I don't know... Weird. :001_huh:

 

I feel "disconnected" I guess, like I am waking up from a three year dream, and I will be looking around to see if I recognize anything familiar.

 

Here in my expat community I feel normal. We are all the same in that we are all different. :tongue_smilie: But in the larger Malaysian context, I obviously don't fit in and now I feel like I don't fit in perfectly with America, either.

 

This experience has changed me and everything is just different now.

 

Am I making any sense? If you have spent significant amounts of time living in a country that is not your own, did you feel this way, too? Did you feel out of place when you went back to your country?

 

.

I have lived in 3 other countries as an adult (for 1 year, 2 years and 8 years.) As a child I grew up in DC in a strongly TCK culture (my Mom was ex-diplomat/parents met in Vietnam/most friends TCK, etc.)

 

Honestly, you will never feel quite the same in the US. You have changed and have a perspective that is different from folks who have never lived as an expat. It is important to keep the same perspective about this as you have about where you live overseas--the folks who haven't left aren't bad or wrong, they are just different. You are now a part of "expat" culture and probably won't completely feel like you belong.

 

The amazing thing is that you will "find" other former ex-pats, gravitate to one another like magnets. When we'd been in Canada for a few years my dh and I realized that 90% of our closest friends had lived outside their culture at some point. Where we are now, most of our friends have lived outside their culture or are married to someone from another culture.

 

I have terrible re-entry shock. I never really had it for short visits--but for re-integrating, I did. Be prepared for it when you come home for more than a visit.

 

I know what you mean by the dream thing--I experience that, too. Your visit will probably feel like a dream, too. Plan down time into the visit--time just to be with your immediate family. Time to sleep and not have to talk. Be prepared that many people won't be interested in your experiences overseas, at all. Some will think you are bragging.

 

For when you come back for good: after an initial period of feeling radically different (and being overwhelmed at Walmart!) things do settle down. You stop thinking about the differences. Your old hometown feels comfortable again. You reintegrate and have a "new normal." But, like I say, you will feel most comfortable with other TCKs/TCAs.

[Laura Corin]

Yes, I felt out of place when I came back. There are whole areas of cultural change that I missed - I was gone for almost ten years, back for three, then gone for eleven. I missed the instant camaraderie that there is amongst expats - it was harder to make friends when we got back.

 

That being said, when we finally did come back - we came back to the UK but not to my native area - it didn't take me as long as I expected to reintegrate. I was careful not to talk much about my overseas experiences - people mostly really don't want to hear much - and to be very interested in local affairs.

 

Laura

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our experience has been that we've needed to be careful when coming back home again not to be "too honest" or we would offend people. What I mean is that at first, we noticed all the negatives that we had always glossed over before just because we were used to them. And instead of just acknowledging them, there was a tendency in my family anyway, to be hyper critical of those negatives. It took a wise ex-pat friend to point out that there were negatives in our overseas home too that we were glossing over just because of familiarity when we were there!

 

I'm now at a place where I am at home in two different "homes". I've actually had people tell me that my mannerisms, voice etc. change to fit in with the culture of whichever home culture I am in.

[chiguirre]

When we came to the US for vacations while we lived in South America, it was a huge consumer fest. I bought all the stuff that cost twice as much where we were living. My mom loves to shop, but I think even she got sick of Walmart and Target. Of course, now you can preorder everything and have it shipped to your relatives' house for you to pick up. Just make sure you bring an empty suitcase (unless you need a new one, and then you can order that online too). I loved revelling in the abundance of stuff I couldn't normally get. Bookstores were paradise! I could get peanut butter and pretzels and root beer and black licorice!!! But after a couple of weeks I'd be ready to get back home with my overstuffed bags and settle down to normal life again.

 

Moving back to your old country is harder. It's odd to feel out of place in your "home" country, but you get used to it and it eventually evens out. It took me about a year or two to get back into an American mindset when we moved to Texas, and I'm still an odd duck sometimes. Of course, there are so many Latinos here that you can easily get a fix of whatever you're missing. It's harder if there aren't as many of your compatriots around. I guess it's also different if you're married to someone from a different country. No matter which place you live, it's obvious that you have ties to the other place and that you're an honorary fill-in-the-blank. You don't lose your ties to that place even if you move because you still have your spouse's roots and family there.

[J-rap]

I certainly haven't done it to the extent that you have, but both my husband and I have lived both abroad and all around the U.S. When we were first married, we lived in the Middle East where my husband was in graduate school learning Arabic. I've also lived a year in Sweden. Within the U.S., we've lived on both coasts and in the middle. Next year we may be moving for awhile to Central America. We seem to have passed on this same lifestyle to our children, who on their own have chosen to live, study, work, and even marry abroad, at least for awhile.

 

So, I'm not really speaking to your question of what it's like to come back (although I do remember "re-entering" from the Middle East and being appalled by the giant grocery stores here). But you do feel "different" -- in a way that that is difficult to explain to someone. A lot of things don't seem so important anymore, and very simple things can be more meaningful. When I meet someone else who has lived in more than one culture, there seems to be an immediate connection.

[Audrey]

Being away a long time makes for painful revisits. I am acutely aware of how the country I used to live in does not exist as it was anymore. I cannot accurately express in words how much that hurts me, angers me, grieves me.

 

I don't have any advice on how to deal with that except to say that going back to my now-home is always a relief.

[Jamee]

I think the reverse-culture shock is so much more shocking. We've been in Asia now for almost six years and it gets harder and harder each time you go back. You have ideas of how it should be, how it was, but then you find things changed. Some for the better, some not so much. I know each time we go back to states, I'm longing to be back "home." Yes, the shopping is incredible--agree with taking an extra suitcase, or two--but it is rather discomforting.

 

We usually go back every-other summer. Our parents still haven't adjusted to the fact that my kids prefer rice to mashed potatoes.:lol: It's just . . . different. I think with you go with the idea that things will not be the same, you'll be ahead of the game. It is odd to vacation in your homeland though. I know we've found ourselves acting rather foolish at times.

[Starr]

Tell the kids it will be like visiting a new country that speaks English. :D :grouphug: Your family will make it worth while.

[leeannpal]

Both my husband and I spent several years living outside the US. We've been back for over ten years, but we both still feel out of place sometimes. We know what it is like to be a minority in a country. We've met incredible people and seen extreme poverty. For us the benefits of being a TCA have made a huge impact on us as people. We really want our daughter to have some of these experiences as well.

[mommaduck]

I know all about TCK syndrome (we had to read a book on it before we moved here), but I am wondering... How did living as an adult expat affect YOU?

 

We will be going back to America to visit as a family for the first time in three years. I know that isn't a terribly long time but it FEELS long. We are very excited but I also feel a little... I don't know... Weird. :001_huh:

 

I feel "disconnected" I guess, like I am waking up from a three year dream, and I will be looking around to see if I recognize anything familiar.

 

Here in my expat community I feel normal. We are all the same in that we are all different. :tongue_smilie: But in the larger Malaysian context, I obviously don't fit in and now I feel like I don't fit in perfectly with America, either.

 

This experience has changed me and everything is just different now.

 

Am I making any sense? If you have spent significant amounts of time living in a country that is not your own, did you feel this way, too? Did you feel out of place when you went back to your country?

 

.

Bingo!

[Amira]

Yeah, you'll never be the same again, and that's a good thing.

 

However, moving back to the US is one of my least favorite things to do (I've never visited the US while living overseas, so I don't know about that). I love to live overseas and it's so hard for me when we have to move back. I'm gearing up to do it for a fourth time and am not looking forward to it. We're all happy here and I feel like a citizen of the world, not just an American.

 

I agree with the poster who suggested not being too honest. Whenever you go to a new place it's easy to see the negative things that are different. It's not helpful to point those negative things out to the people who live there all the time, no matter what country you're living in or from.

 

Also, I find it immensely helpful to do things exactly the way I want to do them. I admit to insisting on shoes not being worn in our house (the horror!), not because of the carpet, but because that's what feels comfortable to me now. I cook a lot of Central Asian food and we keep up on Central Asia while we're in the US. We maintain friendships with Central Asians wherever we can find them. Central Asia will always be part of our lives and I don't feel like I need to pretend it's not, no matter where I live, even if hardly else around me cares about it.

[Cammie]

Wow...going through all of this right now! Visiting the US after living in India for 6 years is a bit overwhelming! I agree with the PP who said is was a consumer fest. For us that is totally true. We bring as many empty suitcases as we can and fill them all up from Target and Costco! For us being home means constantly reevaluating whether or not we made the right decision to leave. I love the libraries, the public parks, the clean wide roads, etc. But I can't stand the sameness of the suburbs, the emptiness of the neighborhoods. For us it is also one long food fest. I have been cooking up a storm (my daughter told me she didn't know I could actually cook!)

 

We love our trips home, they are bitter sweet. We clearly don't feel the same about everything we see but we do enjoy being home for a short time!

[3Blessings]

I am interested in this topic since we're headed home in about 3 weeks from a 4 year stay in Indonesia. We are ready but sad to leave. We've been changed.

 

I can share that when I was in the U.S. for various lengths of time over the past 4 years I was surprised by silly things . . . .like how large the shopping carts were (did they get larger since we left!!??) and how much STUFF people have, how much food Americans consume, etc. I distinctly remember standing in the line at Target and staring at a machine for at least a minute. My head was racing . . . what am I supposed to do with this? It took me a bit of time to remember that I was meant to sign it with this little electronic pen in my hand. :lol:

 

In all seriousness, culture shock is real. The truth is, the examples above are small things when I consider that vast change that has happened to my family through all our experiences. We "see" the world differently. My challenge will be to accept that other folks haven't had that opportunity (my friends and family) but that doesn't make them better or worse than me. You know?

 

God bless your time in the U.S. :)

[PollyOR]

We will be going back to America to visit as a family for the first time in three years.

 

Wow! Has it really been three years already? How time flies.

[Jamee]

I am interested in this topic since we're headed home in about 3 weeks from a 4 year stay in Indonesia. We are ready but sad to leave. We've been changed.

 

I can share that when I was in the U.S. for various lengths of time over the past 4 years I was surprised by silly things . . . .like how large the shopping carts were (did they get larger since we left!!??) and how much STUFF people have, how much food Americans consume, etc. I distinctly remember standing in the line at Target and staring at a machine for at least a minute. My head was racing . . . what am I supposed to do with this? It took me a bit of time to remember that I was meant to sign it with this little electronic pen in my hand. :lol:

 

In all seriousness, culture shock is real. The truth is, the examples above are small things when I consider that vast change that has happened to my family through all our experiences. We "see" the world differently. My challenge will be to accept that other folks haven't had that opportunity (my friends and family) but that doesn't make them better or worse than me. You know?

 

God bless your time in the U.S. :)

 

Oh wow! I remember when we were back last spring and I was in Carl's jr. I asked for a "medium soda" thinking it'd be the same size I get here. NOPE, it was bucket!:tongue_smilie: It totally took me off guard for a bit. Portion size was really hard to get used to and DH and I split a lot of meals since they were just so huge.

 

I wouldn't change my expat life for anything. DH is even talking of retiring overseas, now to just decide where, Europe or Japan. I will forever have a place in my heart for Japan and the Japanese, and I know when the time comes, leaving is going to be so very difficult. It's weird because I have been looking forward to going back to Europe for so long--it's been nearly 13 years since we lived there--but I'm also concerned since it will have changed too.

[Mbelle]

We live in my hometown now, in GA. We met in Europe and lived there several years. He's from Australia. We have been here for 15 years now. I guess we just have a different vibe to us. I know that it is wierd for people sometimes. It is also wierd for us. We are not going to "fit in" ever. Mostly it is with ideals and values. We live a very traditional life and quite a bit of that includes some so called conservative values, but then we swing around and have quite a few so called liberal values too. It's just how those ideas are "packaged" in different countries. We've lived in several countries so we kind of don't fit in any particular "package". I think that is the hardest thing. We are Christians, but not always conservative and in the south this might make people nervous. In Australia it's the Christian part that makes them nervous. It just depends where you are and that is what is like being on a raft in the sea..not just for us and our children but for those around us as well. It is hard for people to relate when they can't make sweeping assumptions. People are not sure what we think.

[Heather in Neverland]

On a more global level, though, I do not feel as if I "belong". I notice that my interest in German politics has been steadily waning, that i don't feel as if things concern me anymore. I see German society as if from the outside, not as somebody who is part of it.

 

This has happened to me, too. My friends back home will chat with me on FB about political issues on the state level that I used to be so involved in but now I feel very removed from it and, well, just not that concerned about it any more.

 

I have seen and felt things that most people don't even really care about, much less wish to hear about or experience. That was the hardest part for me.

 

I know this will be the case for us as well. My family still cannot comprehend WHY we would want to live here and are not supportive of it. My mom constantly asks when we are moving back. She has little interest in our lives here...anything Malaysia-specific, really. So she will not want to listen to all our stories. :confused:

 

I am excited and I know it will be fun but I think the reality that I am permanently changed as a person and my idea of home is as well is starting to sink in.

 

thanks for commiserating with me. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

 

.

[FaithManor]

This has happened to me, too. My friends back home will chat with me on FB about political issues on the state level that I used to be so involved in but now I feel very removed from it and, well, just not that concerned about it any more.

 

 

 

I know this will be the case for us as well. My family still cannot comprehend WHY we would want to live here and are not supportive of it. My mom constantly asks when we are moving back. She has little interest in our lives here...anything Malaysia-specific, really. So she will not want to listen to all our stories. :confused:

 

I am excited and I know it will be fun but I think the reality that I am permanently changed as a person and my idea of home is as well is starting to sink in.

 

thanks for commiserating with me. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

 

.

 

This makes me sad! Heather, if you need someone to tell stories too, I'm in Michigan and if you would like, I'll pm you with my phone number. You can spill all of your wonderful stories and insights to me and know that the person on the other end is genuinely interested!

 

Faith

[Deb in NZ]

This has happened to me, too. My friends back home will chat with me on FB about political issues on the state level that I used to be so involved in but now I feel very removed from it and, well, just not that concerned about it any more.

 

 

 

I know this will be the case for us as well. My family still cannot comprehend WHY we would want to live here and are not supportive of it. My mom constantly asks when we are moving back. She has little interest in our lives here...anything Malaysia-specific, really. So she will not want to listen to all our stories. :confused:I am excited and I know it will be fun but I think the reality that I am permanently changed as a person and my idea of home is as well is starting to sink in.

 

thanks for commiserating with me. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

 

.

 

That was the biggest shock for me when I first went "home" after living overseas. People were happy to have us back & were eager to share their lives with us, but they were not really interested in hearing about my life overseas. When I had time to really think about this, I came to the conclusion that they had no way of truely understanding or relating to life overseas in a 3rd world country. I had put together a little book of photos of my life overseas, but would only bring it out if asked.

 

Another bigger shock was when I returned "home" when my dc were 8yo, 6yo, & 2yo. My parents expected my dc to think, act, etc. just like typical American kids similar to my sister's kids. My kids were not typical American kids :rolleyes: They talked different, liked different foods, had definately foreign habits, & did not live up to the picture my parents had of how their grandchildren should be. :ohmy: When things got really tough, I would take my dc on a walk to the park to give us all a break from trying to "fit in" with my family's idea of how we should be. This aspect of culture shock was worse on our next visit five years later, as my dc were even more different from their cousins.

 

Be prepared to be overwhelmed at the size of the grocery stores & the HUGE portions served at meals. If you have been missing certain foods, etc. from home make a list as when you get state-side you will soon forget due to sensory overload. I agree with the post that suggested bringing a few empty suitcases as I've always brought back much more than I came with. Shopping is GREAT in the states when you compare it with overseas :D

 

I find that I need to make an effort to talk "American" in the weeks coming up to a trip to the States. This has helped my dc to understand my family quicker. My dc all only speak English, but their first language isn't American English, but NZ English. You'll be surprised at how much of the vocabulary spoke locally has made it into your daily language.

 

Enjoy your visit, but don't expect to fit in. :grouphug:

[TheReader]

We visit once/year (back to the US, from Brazil) and I feel this to a degree every single time.

 

Yes, it's a consumer fest, buying all the stuff that costs 3 or 4 times "normal" here while we are there.

 

Yes, it can be a food fest, especially the first time back, eating all the stuff you miss. I would suggest eating yogurt &/or taking probiotics, or, basically be aware of drastic dietary changes. Going from eating mostly whole, unprocessed foods to the boxed, pre-packaged, heavier foods of the US can wreak havoc. Tread (or eat) carefully, just in case. One of our sons almost always winds up with severe nausea; we now have a standing Rx for anti-nausea meds for him, probiotics for him to take, and the local (to our home base) urgent care on speed dial in case we have to take him in for fluids anyway. Extreme case, and not likely to be repeated, but the rest of us do get....not sick...just.....missing fresh fruits and veggies and clean eating.

 

Yes, people in the US won't be interested in your stories beyond "Do you like it there? Do you speak the language? What's it like?? (to which they want to hear "hot" or "pretty" or "the beach is fantastic!" and not much else....). It's sad. Then they will want to talk to you about all the important stuff you are missing....like t-ball and 4H and boy scouts and (fill in the blank) and you will nod politely and cringe inside. Or at least, so it goes with us.

 

And the whole time, you will want to go HOME. Back to that place you live now, where your life is your own, where you are used to the oddities by now, and where somehow, things make more sense. Even if while you actually ARE there they don't make sense ;) Or maybe that's just me, but....well, there it is.

 

I just keep reminding myself that culture shock does go both ways and try and prepare.

 

One thing I don't think I've seen mentioned --- it can make it hard to go back HOME after. Even while you're longing to get back to Malaysia, once you are back, all those little annoying things that you've adjusted to will be annoying again at the end of your US trip. We experience a "settling back in" period every time, when we have to remember we're back in Brazil and those lovely conveniences that amazed us the first half of our US visit and then became normal again....yea, we left them behind again and have to readjust once more. We only even go for 3 or 4 weeks, yet still this feeling shows up to some degree, depending on how much homesickness we carry away with us for friends/family in the US once we leave there. Just be prepared for it, in case.

 

Mostly, try and enjoy it, despite all of this. It is good to visit, and to know you do get to go home in the end. Even though everyone you're visiting probably thinks it is the other way around. :grouphug:

[TheReader]

That was the biggest shock for me when I first went "home" after living overseas. People were happy to have us back & were eager to share their lives with us, but they were not really interested in hearing about my life overseas. When I had time to really think about this, I came to the conclusion that they had no way of truely understanding or relating to life overseas in a 3rd world country. I had put together a little book of photos of my life overseas, but would only bring it out if asked.

 

Another bigger shock was when I returned "home" when my dc were 8yo, 6yo, & 2yo. My parents expected my dc to think, act, etc. just like typical American kids similar to my sister's kids. My kids were not typical American kids :rolleyes: They talked different, liked different foods, had definately foreign habits, & did not live up to the picture my parents had of how their grandchildren should be. :ohmy: When things got really tough, I would take my dc on a walk to the park to give us all a break from trying to "fit in" with my family's idea of how we should be. This aspect of culture shock was worse on our next visit five years later, as my dc were even more different from their cousins.

 

Be prepared to be overwhelmed at the size of the grocery stores & the HUGE portions served at meals. If you have been missing certain foods, etc. from home make a list as when you get state-side you will soon forget due to sensory overload. I agree with the post that suggested bringing a few empty suitcases as I've always brought back much more than I came with. Shopping is GREAT in the states when you compare it with overseas :D

 

I find that I need to make an effort to talk "American" in the weeks coming up to a trip to the States. This has helped my dc to understand my family quicker. My dc all only speak English, but their first language isn't American English, but NZ English. You'll be surprised at how much of the vocabulary spoke locally has made it into your daily language.

 

Enjoy your visit, but don't expect to fit in. :grouphug:

 

this is all really good, but especially that sentence I bolded.

 

We had one set of grandparents label our youngest child as a picky eater, though I'd never thought of him that way. When I cook at home, he will eat a little of everything, and all of most/some things. He's not big on veggies, but what 7 yr old is?

 

I finally realized -- aside from chicken nuggets & french fries, he doesn't like most "typical kid foods" that everyone expects him to like. He'd rather rice than potatoes, "pasta" means "spaghetti", etc. I finally had to explain to people that to him, macaroni & cheese IS the foreign food. That helped them understand, somewhat.

 

Best of luck, and try to enjoy it!

[Mrs Twain]

I agree with a lot of what other people have said. Don't expect to fit in.

 

There will be lots of small things that have changed. For example, one of our friends who came home recently couldn't figure out how to buy gas at the gas station (because it had a touch computer screen), and didn't realize everyone pays with credit cards rather than cash.

 

Definitely don't expect anyone to be interested in hearing your stories. I think this was the biggest letdown for me, and it made me feel bitter toward a lot of people. If you go into your U.S. visit with the expectation that no one wants to hear about your life overseas, then you will be much happier. If perchance you run into someone who is interested to hear something of your experiences, then it becomes a joy. Concentrate on being interested in the people you are visiting and finding out about their lives, and try to resist the urge to criticize America or American culture. This will make you much happier.

 

Certainly try to seek out people who are like you so you might have someone to talk to. These kinds of people are difficult to find, though, even in churches which are evangelical and mission minded. Don't be surprised if you can't find many people like this, or even if you can't find any.

 

I lived in a several developing countries where a substantial percentage of people are malnourished. I am often thankful that I have food to feed to my children even though it has been some years since I last lived overseas. I don't think any of my friends appreciate things that I do about having a comfortable place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, medical care available if needed, etc. But that is okay. Yes, I have been changed by my overseas experiences, but it has given me a richer life and more understanding of what is really important. You also will be different forever, but try to accept it and value it as an asset rather than holding it against other people because they can't understand you.

 

All of this just to say try not to have expectations when you come back, especially on other people's interest in you and your experiences. I wish someone had told me that before I came back. It would have helped me a lot. The best strategy IMO is to make a concentrated effort to be interested in the people you are visiting. One of my mentors once said, "People are to objects of our love, not of our expectations."

[JennifersLost]

Lots of good replies so far - and enlightening. For some reason I never thought of myself as an ex-pat, so never looked for the "ex-pat" community!

 

I'll add - when you find yourself explaining the "foreign" side (point of view) in an argument, don't expect anyone to change their minds about the way they see it and the way they think the "foreigners" feel, no matter how well you explain things. They'll listen for a few minutes and instantly forget what you've said, usually. Or chalk your experience up to the exception.

 

But those moments do give you a good feeling when you realize you honestly do understand the motivations and feelings on both sides.

 

My experience on returning home is that there is a period of strangeness and you don't fit right back in the same way, but you do snap back to default behaviors and ways of being. I haven't forgotten how to be an American even though I've lived in Canada for nearly 8 years, you know? But I am different in each country.

[Starr]

I think this visit will give you lots to think about when it comes to a college for your children. It may not be the schools you once thought were the best fit. Enjoy your family. We look forward to your travel stories.

[HeidiKC]

I was only overseas for two years (college and after), but it was really weird coming home. I remember three things that really struck me (that I'd never noticed before, I guess!):

 

- the cars seemed enormous!

- the people seemed so loud and kinda tough (although I landed at JFK, and that's where I noticed it. New Yorkers!)

- I couldn't get over how everyone seemed to fly the flag. At least that is what it felt like. Of course I hadn't seen an American flag in 2 years, and had never really noticed them here before that. But WOW! They just seemed to be everywhere - how could I have never noticed that before?

 

It was kind of cool to notice things (like the flags) that had been there all along and I'd just been oblivious. Seeing the US with new eyes. Not necessarily anything bad or good, just noticing. Even dumb things like how all our money bills are the same color and the same size.

[knit247]

Our experience has been that we've needed to be careful when coming back home again not to be "too honest" or we would offend people. What I mean is that at first, we noticed all the negatives that we had always glossed over before just because we were used to them. And instead of just acknowledging them, there was a tendency in my family anyway, to be hyper critical of those negatives. It took a wise ex-pat friend to point out that there were negatives in our overseas home too that we were glossing over just because of familiarity when we were there!

 

Totally agree on this! We have been in Germany for almost three years now. When we went home last summer, I was quick to point out how fresh the food is here. How clean and orderly everything is here. How great the (fill in the blank) is here. I wasn't trying to convince anyone that Germany is better or that America was worse, but a few people took it that way and I quickly shut up about it all! In retrospect, I can see how my comments were perceived. The neat part was that I quickly started noticing the things that I loved and missed about the US - and voiced those as well!

 

Be prepared to be overwhelmed at the size of the grocery stores & the HUGE portions served at meals. If you have been missing certain foods, etc. from home make a list as when you get state-side you will soon forget due to sensory overload.

 

I literally walked around in amazement at the first grocery store that we went to last summer. It seemed so silly - we had only been away two years - but it really did overwhelm me. It took awhile to get over the vast amount of choices, and aisles of nothing but soft drinks! Again, I quickly rebounded, and by the end of our three-month visit I wasn't panicking in Wal-Mart :tongue_smilie:

 

Another issue for me in the US was safety. Here in Germany, the girls walk to the butcher and bakery by themselves. They walk down to the little creek that runs through the center of our village to play in the water. I can let them out of my sight in stores and never worry about a thing. But in the US I felt like I had to watch them like a hawk. They were not prepared for that, even though I discussed it a bit with them beforehand, and it was quite difficult for them at times.

 

Yes, it can be a food fest, especially the first time back, eating all the stuff you miss. I would suggest eating yogurt &/or taking probiotics, or, basically be aware of drastic dietary changes. Going from eating mostly whole, unprocessed foods to the boxed, pre-packaged, heavier foods of the US can wreak havoc.

 

And the whole time, you will want to go HOME. Back to that place you live now, where your life is your own, where you are used to the oddities by now, and where somehow, things make more sense. Even if while you actually ARE there they don't make sense ;) Or maybe that's just me, but....well, there it is.

 

One thing I don't think I've seen mentioned --- it can make it hard to go back HOME after. Even while you're longing to get back to Malaysia, once you are back, all those little annoying things that you've adjusted to will be annoying again at the end of your US trip.

 

We all had issues with the food upon returning home. My youngest (7 at the time) had trouble for several days. It probably didn't help that our very first stop was Chick fil-A, however!

 

We, too, were so excited to return to Germany while in the US last summer. We longed for the scenery, the food, the culture... We had an amazing time in the US, to be sure, but were so ready to get back home. I remember getting off the plane here and thinking, "This is home - we are home!" on the ride back to our village. However, this has been an extremely difficult year for us. My daughters and I are all terribly homesick after our summer filled with family fun (DH not so much, as he has been away from home/family his entire adult life). We were supposed to return to the US this summer, but have extended at least two more years. Sometimes that makes us even more homesick. On the flip side, however, I often say that I could live here in Germany forever. I love it here... So strange that just three years away could change all of us so much.

[Jamee]

Another issue for me in the US was safety. Here in Germany, the girls walk to the butcher and bakery by themselves. They walk down to the little creek that runs through the center of our village to play in the water. I can let them out of my sight in stores and never worry about a thing. But in the US I felt like I had to watch them like a hawk. They were not prepared for that, even though I discussed it a bit with them beforehand, and it was quite difficult for them at times.

 

 

How could I have forgotten this?!?! Here in Japan, my son rides the train on his own, I'm fine with the boys going to a store in the mall on their own. Heck, they spent a whole day at Disneyland practically by themselves. I can't say I'm ready to do any of that on the states! I'd say this is one of the most difficult adjustments and something we really drilled into the boys before we arrived. They know too that life in the states is very different from life at "home."

Edited May 22, 2012 by Jamee

[kolamum]

Am I making any sense? If you have spent significant amounts of time living in a country that is not your own, did you feel this way, too? Did you feel out of place when you went back to your country?

 

Yes, you make perfect sense to me. I feel as much a countryman of my expat country as I do of my own, perhaps more so of my expat country at times then of my birth-country. That's a hard one to come to grips with at first, isn't it? It was for me anyway.. There are times when it made me stop & think.. Am I being unpatriotic to my own country & other oddities.

 

The thing is though, I think, truthfully, that for myself it's a matter of contentment. I AM content where I am. I feel at home & at peace. I have no burning desire to return to where I was, perhaps for a visit, but not to live. It's not because I don't love the people there or because I hate the country I am a countryman of, but more because I am just so content where I am.

 

I did feel a little out of place when I went back.. you know, that moment when I'm driving down an 8 lane highway in the middle of a wicked rain storm & I had no idea if I was on the correct side of the road or not. Party because I couldn't see & partly because I honestly could NOT remember!

 

Some people felt I'd picked up an "accent" & others felt I just used weird words now. :lol: But when I'm here people tell me I use funny words & have a crazy accent too. It's kinda like you don't belong anywhere & everywhere all at the same time.

 

There are days when I feel like an outcast in both worlds & days when I feel heavily torn between the two. I'm grateful my children were very young when we moved here & remember relatives but little of anything else. ;)

 

Yet, they can relate just as easily to being torn, at times, between two worlds. I know, because anytime we read a book where a character is torn between two places they picked it up.

 

Having said that, it was reasonably easy to fit back in while we were visiting.. you know, once people got over us being there. I think it's easy to understand the age old quote, "home is where your heart is" kwim?

[nd293]

IThis experience has changed me and everything is just different now.

 

Am I making any sense? If you have spent significant amounts of time living in a country that is not your own, did you feel this way, too? Did you feel out of place when you went back to your country?

 

 

 

For me, it's not that I feel out of place in the country, but more broadly that I feel out of place with people who haven't looked outside their own culture much. We are now migrants (rather than expats) and I find that all my close friends are also migrants, or have lived overseas as expats themselves. We also live in a less wealthy area which is more culturally diverse than the area we'd be expected to live in by income and education levels. Although that wasn't the primary reason we moved to this suburb, it makes me very happy to be here.

 

I think that I sometimes feel that I have to censor myself with people who haven't lived overseas, that the automatic references to other places and experiences could annoy them, but it's as natural an anchor on the timeline of my life as "when we got married" or "when my dd was born" or "when we lived in X City" is to other people.

[CalicoKat]

I know all about TCK syndrome (we had to read a book on it before we moved here), but I am wondering... How did living as an adult expat affect YOU?

 

We will be going back to America to visit as a family for the first time in three years. I know that isn't a terribly long time but it FEELS long. We are very excited but I also feel a little... I don't know... Weird. :001_huh:

 

I feel "disconnected" I guess, like I am waking up from a three year dream, and I will be looking around to see if I recognize anything familiar.

 

Here in my expat community I feel normal. We are all the same in that we are all different. :tongue_smilie: But in the larger Malaysian context, I obviously don't fit in and now I feel like I don't fit in perfectly with America, either.

 

This experience has changed me and everything is just different now.

 

Am I making any sense? If you have spent significant amounts of time living in a country that is not your own, did you feel this way, too? Did you feel out of place when you went back to your country?

 

.

:001_smile: I was surprised at how much and how big things were in America. As an adult my cultural gaps still show up unexpectedly. Most of the TCK that I grew up have chosen to continue to socialize and live mainly with other TCK in the US. They rehash old times to death, ignore the spouses & kids, and generally don't live in the "now."

 

I remember being told repeatedly, "Get to know people where you're at and keep your mouth shut about your experiences. No one's truly interested 5 minutes past introductions."

 

Understandably your time has changed you. It's easy to forget that the folks you left behind have also changed.

 

Other than the normal cultural gaps that was the advice given. I still come across those gaps now and then. :D My poor husband, he ought to get an award for his patience in explaining sales taxes, tipping, beauty parlors, why soft water, sports (football), how to cook potatoes (he got tired of only eating rice), etc.

[Jamee]

Really? Where in the US is this Hell located?

 

*shrug* I love hearing about these experiences.

 

But then I wonder if that's due to us being expats? I know I have found much stronger friendships with the ladies who want to continue living overseas and have lived in different places than those who are just here to get it over with. (military community) It's so fun to hear the experiences and compare stories.

[CalicoKat]

Really? Where in the US is this Hell located?

 

*shrug* I love hearing about these experiences.

 

Not location specific. I've experienced this everywhere I've gone in the US.

[ElaineJ]

I am also a TCA. I think that long term overseas experience does sort of make you permanently lonely in that you always have somewhat of an "outside looking in" feeling no matter where you are. We make friends, and good friends, wherever we go, but I always seem to have part of me watching what is going on in any given community rather than just feeling like I belong there. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

I do think that as expats we can really bless immigrants and "foreigners" in our home countries when we are there because we can identify with their experiences more than most people. You have undoubtedly been shown hospitality by many others, and that can make you much more hospitable and much more aware of others needs that may be going unmet.

 

Elaine

[Lightly Salted]

That was the biggest shock for me when I first went "home" after living overseas. People were happy to have us back & were eager to share their lives with us, but they were not really interested in hearing about my life overseas.

 

 

I remember being told repeatedly, "Get to know people where you're at and keep your mouth shut about your experiences. No one's truly interested 5 minutes past introductions."

 

 

 

Yes, after a few snarky "Well, you're not IN China anymore" comments, I got that hint. It's lonely being 'home.'

 

Forever changed, forever missing someone/something no matter which side of the ocean you live in. But I wouldn't trade the years overseas for anything. :grouphug:

[Deb in NZ]

Related to this issue of fitting in when back "home" is how our dc find where they fit in. I'll always remember on our last big trip to the States our dd (then 13yo) commenting to me how she wanted to feel that she belonged somewhere. When we were in the States our dc were known as the NZ kids, while when we were in NZ they were the American kids. Dd said that wherever she was she was thought of as being from elsewhere. Since that time I have focused more on helping them to feel that they belong where we currently reside.

 

Like others have mentioned, I, too, feel most at ease with other ex-pats / immigrants. Even though we have come from different countries, we all share a similar path in life. My dc, too, relate more to ex-pat / immigrant / dual-citizen children. Only one of dd's friends at uni is from NZ originally.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I will never truely fit in anywhere, but I can feel that I belong if I choose to by my actions & attitudes.

 

JMHO,

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'll always remember on our last big trip to the States our dd (then 13yo) commenting to me how she wanted to feel that she belonged somewhere. When we were in the States our dc were known as the NZ kids, while when we were in NZ they were the American kids.

 

We had a hilarious example of this when we went to the Philippines (dh's home country). My son, who is mixed but who looks more Asian than white, has had some comments here about his ethnicity - not prejudicial, but still pointing out that he doesn't look the same race as me (white). But when we were in the Philippines, all the kids called him the "white boy". We also had a lot of comments that our kids did not act like "American kids" - whatever that stereotype meant to them.

[chiguirre]

I do think that as expats we can really bless immigrants and "foreigners" in our home countries when we are there because we can identify with their experiences more than most people.

 

I think this might influence your experience of living in the US a lot. In Houston, even in my fairly homogeneous, middle class, "wonder bread" suburb, there are a LOT of immigrants and expats because of the oil industry. It's pretty rare that there is not at least one other family that's lived overseas in any activity we're involved in. We're not unique, we're not even unusual. In a place where there are fewer immigrants, I'm sure we'd stick out a lot more.

[TX6]

I never knew there was an actual term for my feelings. I spent my summer's in Europe until I was 12, lived in Venezuela as a teen, and spent 4yrs. in Germany as an adult.

 

I have been back in the US for 2 years, and the adjustment is still hard.

 

My experiences have made me more compassionate towards foreigners and non-English speakers. As a brand new(1 week) resident of Houston, I feel at home here. The diversity is amazing. When we lived in a rural Texas city it was much harder.

 

I hope to move overseas again. Spending so much time outside of my home country allows me to feel at home anywhere. It is a true blessing.

[knit247]

Forever changed, forever missing someone/something no matter which side of the ocean you live in. But I wouldn't trade the years overseas for anything. :grouphug:

 

Yes, this. :iagree:

[CalicoKat]

Well you wouldn't experience that in my home! ;)

 

:D Thanks!