I am sad. (parents aging, possible triggers.)

[DawnM]

My parents are aging. They are visiting right now. My mom's health has never been great, but seems to be getting worse. She moves very slowly. She is 81.

 

My dad is really scaring me. My mom believes he may have possible beginnings of Alzheimer's and today I saw a bit more of what she was talking about. Dad has always been my rock. He doesn't talk a lot but when he does it is usually something of worth. He was very well respected in his field although he has retired.

 

But he is starting to forget things, talk way more than normal and rambles as if he can't quite remember the point of what he is saying, and he seems to just not be himself.

 

It makes me very sad and makes me feel that life for him may start to look very different soon.

 

I told DH that I am not sure they can travel much after this trip.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Dawn

[J-rap]

I'm sorry. My parents are in their 80's too, and for now -- they are good, but are definitely slowing down. They have both been solid rocks for our family for my whole life! I know these times won't last forever, and it will be very sad for me when it all begins to change.

[Momof3littles]

:grouphug: I know this is coming and I'm scared.

 

I wish you strength.

[kalanamak]

I remember that.

 

I was very happy when they moved back to be near my brother.

 

I was also giddy with delight, to the shock of my co-workers, when my father died. He was so very old, and tired of being deaf and unsteady, and I was happy he went so quickly in about as gentle circumstances as nature allows those who are 97.

 

:grouphug: Capote once said that life was a modestly interesting play with a very bad third act.

[DawnM]

I would like a quick/painless end for them too. I watched two of mom's sisters die horribly long illnesses before death. It is NOT pleasant.

 

Dawn

 

I remember that.

 

I was very happy when they moved back to be near my brother.

 

I was also giddy with delight, to the shock of my co-workers, when my father died. He was so very old, and tired of being deaf and unsteady, and I was happy he went so quickly in about as gentle circumstances as nature allows those who are 97.

 

:grouphug: Capote once said that life was a modestly interesting play with a very bad third act.

[jenL]

:grouphug: to you, Dawn. It's not easy. I'm sorry.

[PrincessMommy]

:grouphug:

[EthiopianFood]

I know you weren't looking for advice, but I do have to add that with Alzheimer's, the sooner they can get on medication, the better. They can't fix it, but they can slow down the decline quite a bit for awhile for some.

 

I understand what you are going through. It is so hard....

[EKS]

:grouphug:

[cindergretta]

:grouphug:

[datgh]

:grouphug: My family is right there with you with DH Mom and my parents. It is so hard to watch your parents age but even worse when their cognitive abilities start changing and they start becoming a different person.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug: Not an easy situation.

[hsmom2011]

:grouphug:

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:

[sparrow]

:grouphug: It's a very difficult time. I'm still getting used to my new normal. I sometimes feel like I'm parenting my children AND my parents.

[Jen500]

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you're sad. :crying:

[LibraryLover]

I understand. We lost dh's parents. I miss them so much. I haven't 'gotten over' the loss, but it does make me appreciate life more. I used to think that was a cliche, but that's how I feel about it. Our days are numbered, and we need to make sure we leave loved ones with good memories. My inlaws lived thoughtful lives, and I am glad they lived well long enough for my children to have memories. My fil's death was hard...and prolonged. I had a lot of anger at culture/society at the time (why should a good man suffer so?) My MIL had a 'good' death, and that was a wonderful lesson for my kids. I'm sorry.

[Ann]

Facing the same. I find it hard to see my father now and know what he used to be. It is also hard to manage the local family cause they don't handle stuff like this well.

[Lucy in Australia]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm in the same boat, except that my mother lives next door and I need to make some decisions about her future. My mum was a smart cookie, too, and I hate it when people who have only known her in the last few years only see the old person with memory issues :sad:

[DawnM]

My FIL's was too. He had cancer. I don't wish that on anyone.

 

Dawn

 

I understand. We lost dh's parents. I miss them so much. I haven't 'gotten over' the loss, but it does make me appreciate life more. I used to think that was a cliche, but that's how I feel about it. Our days are numbered, and we need to make sure we leave loved ones with good memories. My inlaws lived thoughtful lives, and I am glad they lived well long enough for my children to have memories. My fil's death was hard...and prolonged. I had a lot of anger at culture/society at the time (why should a good man suffer so?) My MIL had a 'good' death, and that was a wonderful lesson for my kids. I'm sorry.

[MamaT]

:grouphug:

[goldberry]

Sharing :grouphug: with you. Dealing with similar issues...

 

My dad is an amazing smart man, and mom is my "philosopher mom", always talking about the deeper things...

 

I value every moment we have left, but I know it's getting close...things are changing so fast.

[ma23peas]

Please check his oxygen at sleep! My 96 year old grandmother would speak out of her head but it was corrected by putting her on an apnea machine at night...greatly helped! She also used oxygen during he day!

[JFSinIL]

I am flying out to California to be with my Dad when his significant other goes on a short cruise - my sister who lives near Dad told me to come that particular week so he would not be home alone the entire time. Apparently he is getting forgetful, too - and will have to pull over in a panic while out driving as he will forget where he is and how to get home! I think there is a lot more my kid sister is not telling me - will see when I get there.

I may be the one who has to either take away the car keys or at least talk him into that On-Star thing that can give him directions or send help. My mom lives with HER significant other, and she can barely walk now.

 

It is hard - can not afford to travel much, and have to take SillyAutismMan with me as really can't leave him home (I am his major caretaker - he refuses to be in the same room with hubby which is heart-breaking, and also means hubby can't just take off work to be home with SAM. Sigh.)

[kalanamak]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm in the same boat, except that my mother lives next door and I need to make some decisions about her future. My mum was a smart cookie, too, and I hate it when people who have only known her in the last few years only see the old person with memory issues :sad:

 

Oh, yes. I was grateful my father remained very chipper and logical (his short term memory was bad, but once on a topic he could make sense), and while it was hard to see my mother go 100% there mentally, I realized that is what she wanted. The last thing on earth she would have wanted was to be "gaga" as she put it.

[kalanamak]

I may be the one who has to either take away the car keys or at least talk him into that On-Star thing that can give him directions or send help.

 

Please the former. Once drivers start getting lost, they are also more likely to have accidents (like going the wrong way down an exit ramp). Not only does one hate to hurt others, the elderly are more likely to die in crashes, too.

 

My mum got lost ONCE, and hung up her keys.

[Harriet Vane]

Please the former. Once drivers start getting lost, they are also more likely to have accidents (like going the wrong way down an exit ramp). Not only does one hate to hurt others, the elderly are more likely to die in crashes, too.

 

My mum got lost ONCE, and hung up her keys.

 

Yes, please the former.

 

My grandma was in MANY minor fender-benders over the course of more than a decade. Her senility was absolutely apparent to those of us in regular contact with her (me, her supervisor, her neighbors, etc.) but those who had the power to help her preferred to live in denial of her condition.

 

Finally, when she was in an assisted living facility and they had given warning that she would have to move due to her clearly erratic behavior and encroaching senility, Grandma got in a car accident that did a LOT of damage to the other person's car. Fortunately there were no injuries. Just days later someone called the cops because her driving looked drunken. Grandma was so upset at being taken to the police station she couldn't remember ANYTHING about anything and it took the cops a while to figure out who to phone to take responsibility for her. Thankfully, the cops were quite clear with the relative who came for her that Grandma's driving days were OVER.

 

I have always been upset that it had to happen that way. Grandma's driving was dangerous, and someone could have been hurt. And it was sooooo upsetting for her to have to Go To The Police Station.

 

So please, take away the keys before someone gets hurt. I know it's hard, and wish it didn't have to be. :grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

We are moving my parents in three weeks. Their car is not going with them.

 

Dad's had classic symptoms of Parkinson's for awhile, but his neurologist keeps saying that's not it. I'll be glad when he gets a new doc. The thing that I find really odd about his symptoms are that he tends to "run on" now, when he used to be a man of very few, choice words, the steroetypical engineer. And when it is a subject about which he feels strongly, he waves and flaps his hand while talking, almost like watching a child that is somewhere on the spectrum.

 

It's so sad!

 

:grouphug::grouphug: for the OP. Move on over and make room for me in your boat, OK?

[sparrow]

We are moving my parents in three weeks. Their car is not going with them.

 

Dad's had classic symptoms of Parkinson's for awhile, but his neurologist keeps saying that's not it. I'll be glad when he gets a new doc. The thing that I find really odd about his symptoms are that he tends to "run on" now, when he used to be a man of very few, choice words, the steroetypical engineer. And when it is a subject about which he feels strongly, he waves and flaps his hand while talking, almost like watching a child that is somewhere on the spectrum.

 

It's so sad!

 

:grouphug::grouphug: for the OP. Move on over and make room for me in your boat, OK?

 

My mom was first diagnosed with Parkinson's. Things were status quo for *years*. We now know she has Lewy Body Dementia:

 

http://www.lbda.org/content/it-lbd-or-something-else

 

The cognitive changes happened VERY quickly. She was driving just last year.

[G5052]

Think how you'll feel if he injures someone and is at fault.

 

Also when an elderly person injures someone in an accident, it is standard practice now for the insurance companies to bring on the lawyers and require a medical exam. If the elderly person is found to have any level of dementia, they will be found at fault and the judgement can go into the millions even if it is settled out of court.

 

I couldn't get one of my parents to stop driving, so I contacted the DMV anonymously there and they sent them a letter requiring medical clearance within a certain period or their license would be suspended. I had been fighting with them for over a year to get a thorough neurological work-up, and this forced the issue. They had at least eight areas of dead brain tissue, and significant functional impairment. It caused a huge family blow-up, but I've never regretted that.

[BeckyFL]

I am so happy to see this discussion. Right now we are living in a nightmare with these very issues. The Dr said no more driving for my dad and he is more than angry. He has done everything from try to drain bank accounts (on the phone to the bank with the lady who lived around the corner from him) to trying to get his 92 year old friend to ship his car down from up north. He has told many many people that we have stolen both his car and his money... even his mail. After all of that, we were told that he can no longer live alone. He is living here with us but with nothing but anger and bitterness. In his mind, it is all my fault, "You're taking everything too far". He has yelled at us, he has been swearing at us (and he doesn't swear), he's been slamming doors, or lately, just getting up at 7 am and staying out walking until 6 pm. It's awful!!! I am praying daily that he will adjust to his loss of independence but last night he told my husband that he's going to "do something about it" and we will see what that is. Can I tell you that my stomach is an absolute mess? After watching my poor mom go through alzheimer's and actually die of the disease, this combativeness is tough in a whole new way. I, too, have stuck to my guns on the driving issue once the Dr said no more. I could never forgive myself if someone else got hurt. But I am paying a huge price for my stand.

[DawnM]

There isn't a whole lot I can do as I am on the other side of the country, so taking cars or keys or getting him to do a sleep study really isn't possible. He won't go for a sleep study or even to see if he is starting to get Alzheimer's. He is quite sure he is fine. :tongue_smilie:

[G5052]

There isn't a whole lot I can do as I am on the other side of the country, so taking cars or keys or getting him to do a sleep study really isn't possible. He won't go for a sleep study or even to see if he is starting to get Alzheimer's. He is quite sure he is fine. :tongue_smilie:

 

When we were going through this, I lived a full day's plane ride away.

 

I called DMV there at the state level and asked to make a phone appointment with the head of the medical unit. She was extremely supportive and told me exactly how to word my letter to them.

 

Then I wrote a letter to my parent's doctor with the DMV letter attached, asking her to please take this seriously. I put my phone number in the letter, and she called and asked for more details and indeed was instrumental in getting the ball rolling. My parent was determined to keep their license, and once the appointment with the neurologist was made, I wrote the neurologist a letter, and he also called me.

 

At other times I called Adult Protective Services, various hospital social workers, the Area Agency on Aging, several eldercare lawyers, bank officiers, etc. etc. Even if they can't talk specifics about your parent because of privacy issues, they can advise you in general terms. I did everything I could from a distance, and thankfully it made a difference.

 

Don't give up!

Edited May 14, 2012 by GVA

[woolybear]

:grouphug: It's hard to see those changes..........

[DawnM]

I don't think we are at this point yet.

 

When we were going through this, I lived a full day's plane ride away.

 

I called DMV there at the state level and asked to make a phone appointment with the head of the medical unit. She was extremely supportive and told me exactly how to word my letter to them.

 

Then I wrote a letter to my parent's doctor with the DMV letter attached, asking her to please take this seriously. I put my phone number in the letter, and she called and asked for more details and indeed was instrumental in getting the ball rolling. My parent was determined to keep their license, and once the appointment with the neurologist was made, I wrote the neurologist a letter, and he also called me.

 

At other times I called Adult Protective Services, various hospital social workers, the Area Agency on Aging, several eldercare lawyers, bank officiers, etc. etc. Even if they can't talk specifics about your parent because of privacy issues, they can advise you in general terms. I did everything I could from a distance, and thankfully it made a difference.

 

Don't give up!

[SonshineLearner]

Gosh, I'm really sorry :( That's just hard!! :(