Teenage bedtimes---is this fair?

[Ottakee]

First off we have 24 ds (mentally impaired and in a special school program for young adults), 16dd (also mentally impaired in 8th grade) and 15dd (LDs and other special needs, also 8th grade).

 

We have a 12 (13 in 3 weeks) foster boy here this weekend who is looking to become a long term placement/possible adoption. He has normal IQ but due to various circumstances, can't be trusted alone with other kids without supervsion at this time and can be immature.

 

Is it fair to tell the kids that at 8:30/9pm on school nights and 10pm on weekends that they must be in their rooms? I honestly don't care when they go to bed/sleep but I need the time to get on the computer, talk to dh, just unwind without having to monitor everyone.

 

The girls each have a bedroom upstairs and a bath to share up there. The boys each have a bedroom in the walkout lower level with a bathroom to share and dh and I have our main floor master bedroom with bath.

 

Dh and I are fine if they listen to music, play video games, watch a dvd on a portable player, read, etc. but the wireless is cut off at that time and no telephone/texting.

 

Does this sound reasonable? This whole, starting to parent a child at almost 13 is a bit hard to figure out what is reasonable/not.

[Catwoman]

That bedtime seems awfully early for an almost 13 year-old.

[AimeeM]

That bedtime seems awfully early for an almost 13 year-old.

I would agree. We are pretty strict on bedtimes; but that would be too early even for my almost 11 year old. I do, however, put my 3 year old to bed at 8:30 :D.

[Mandylubug]

That bedtime seems awfully early for an almost 13 year-old.

 

:iagree: my kids go to bed at 9 now.

[Ottakee]

They do have to be up at 6am though for school as the bus comes at 6:30. So even at 8:30 that makes for 9 1/2 hours of sleep plus they don't have to SLEEP, just go to their rooms so that mom can have a bit of down time before I need to sleep.

 

Any other ideas how to handle it? Remembering that 13 year old can not be with the other kids without adult supervision at this point.

[Mandylubug]

They do have to be up at 6am though for school as the bus comes at 6:30. So even at 8:30 that makes for 9 1/2 hours of sleep plus they don't have to SLEEP, just go to their rooms so that mom can have a bit of down time before I need to sleep.

 

Any other ideas how to handle it? Remembering that 13 year old can not be with the other kids without adult supervision at this point.

 

Well, my kids are younger so this situation wouldn't work for us. But I could see it working when they are your kids age. My kids, at the age they are now and being that they share rooms, would be wrestling, fighting, making too many bathroom breaks, calling me down the hallway **insert long drawn out "maaaaaammmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaa"**

[Ottakee]

Also, if we are doing things as a family, dh has the boys out or I take the girls or some combination, the bedtimes are not set in stone.

 

Just trying to figure out how to make this work so that I get some down/quiet time with dh and still get enough sleep yet provide the supervision needed right now.

[Lab1]

It sounds more like personal quiet time, so sure! Its your home, you make the rules/routine! I try to get my kids in "bed" for personal reading, listening to music or writing in journals/stories time daily.

[AimeeM]

Also, if we are doing things as a family, dh has the boys out or I take the girls or some combination, the bedtimes are not set in stone.

 

Just trying to figure out how to make this work so that I get some down/quiet time with dh and still get enough sleep yet provide the supervision needed right now.

I'm not sure that any of us are in your unique situation. I can say that it would be too early for my own children; but the 12 year old in your situation cannot be alone with the other children, so I understand the need to separate them and use a functional bedtime.

[Lawana]

Given your situation, I think it very reasonable. Just don't call it bedtime. It could be room time or some such thing.

[Lolly]

If dh and I need alone time, we remove ourselves. Guess that isn't possible with the new 12 yo. Are the others used to this rule? It seems like starting it now might cause negative feelings towards the newcomer. I honestly don't think I would go any earlier than 9. 10 would be better. I'm guessing you need more sleep than that. You are in a difficult spot! I know that at my house, it just wouldn't fly very well.

[mama2cntrykids]

Honestly, I think it sounds fine. It's not like they have to *go to sleep* at that time. If they can be in their rooms and basically have quiet time, great. I think it's totally reasonable, especially so *you* can get your quiet time in.

[jenn-]

They all have to be up by 6am, so I would have lights out by 10-1030 and quiet time in their rooms at 9. It's not like you are trying to tell them to go to bed at 830/9.

 

I am fairly strict with bedtimes around here when we are home. DD is 12 in barely a week and she has lights off at 830 still except on gymnastics night when it is 9 (merely because we walk in the door at 830) and weekends which is also 9. She may not realize how crazy she acts without enough sleep, but OMG she drives me up the wall when she is sleep deprived for a couple of days.

[Starr]

I think it's reasonable. Often my ds 16 heads to bed around 9 and if he had to get up for school at 6 am he would have to be in bed to get enough sleep to function. He just can't think if he hasn't had enough sleep. And everyone in your house may need some alone time to unwind. Like you said you can adjust it as you go. It is always easier to loosen things up than tighten them.

[swellmomma]

My kids including my almost 14 yr old go to bed between 830-9pm on school nights. They are to actually be in bed but can be reading or writing in bed. Lights out around 30 minutes later.

 

DS13 can not be left up alone, and I am so tired of them by then for everyone's safety and sanity I have to send them to bed then or I will not get quiet time until 1-2 am and I can't do that anymore.

 

The kids are usually fast asleep shortly after lights out. If I do not impose it they do not take themselves to bed until 11 pm, then the 30 minute nonesense anyway, then finally asleep for midnight at which time I can finally do my end of the night chores etc

 

I reinstituted a regular early bedtime because someone was about to be beaten with their own limbs if I didn't start getting some sleep. I work at 730 am, which means I am up at 630 am. Going to bed at 2 am wasn't cutting it anymore.

[EKS]

I think it is perfectly reasonable. You're not saying that they have to be sleeping at 8:30/9:00 but just in their rooms. This is the rule we have for our kids and our oldest is going to be 16 in a few weeks.

[carlychan]

I think that is more than reasonable! My almost 13 year old is to go to bed at 9:00 and all he can do is read or listen to music. He does usually read for a while (an hour or so). We don't get up until 8:00 in the morning, so this gives him plenty of sleep. If mine had to get up at 6:00, they would be in bed at 8:00 no matter how old they were. Since none of mine go to school, they don't know that 9 is early...teehee:tongue_smilie:

 

Carly

[kitten18]

Honestly, I think it sounds fine. It's not like they have to *go to sleep* at that time. If they can be in their rooms and basically have quiet time, great. I think it's totally reasonable, especially so *you* can get your quiet time in.

:iagree:

[SonshineLearner]

I'd say that 9pm would be the earliest I'd think he'd go to bed. I'd ask what's been happening before... (ask his foster mom or whomever) My daughter goes to bed between 9:30 and 11:00pm and gets up on her own at 6:45am or so to leave at 7:45am for school.

I have no idea if you're dealing with adhd or anything. Here's something to think about... if you are, it could be that means he'd be in his room for 3 hrs or more before sleep.

Hugs... this is hard! :)

[HeidiKC]

I think it's fine, too. Wow - surprised that so many people say that seems so early, and that their 13yo goes to bed at 10:00! My ds is still 12, but will be 13 in a few months. I can hardly get him out of bed at 8am when he goes to bed at 9:30pm.

 

You don't have to call it bedtime. What do they call it at camp, in the military? Something cool, like "down time"?! I can't remember. As long as he knows he's not required to sleep, I can't imagine he'd have a problem with it. My 12you would think it was the BOMB if he had to be in his room by 8:30, but could then watch a DVD, play video games, etc.! That's pretty generous, I think. A

 

Good luck!

[Julie in CA]

Well, reaching out hesitantly to say that it wouldn't work well at *my* house, but I don't have the complication of needing to keep my kids safe from each other.

 

In the summertime, it's not even dark at 8:30 here, and not really even at 9 p.m. either. I would have a hard time sending mine to bed while it is still light outside and feels like "daytime".

 

Generally speaking, my four oldest dc need to be in their room at about 10 p.m. on weekdays, and about 11 p.m. on weekends. The 13 yo is supposed to be in bed by about 9:30 no matter what day it is.

 

With all that said though, you have an very different situation than mine. Doing what is right for *your* family doesn't have anything to do with fairness. If it's what you need, then it's the house rule. :001_smile:

 

ETA: And we are all up in the morning with no problems, starting at about 5:30 a.m., with the last rising at about 6:30 a.m.

Edited May 6, 2012 by Julie in CA

[sparrow]

I think it's totally reasonable. Our kids (ages 12 & 10) are in their rooms by 9-9:30, but they are able to read and listen to music. They typically fall asleep around 10:30.

[momto2Cs]

Honestly, I think it sounds fine. It's not like they have to *go to sleep* at that time. If they can be in their rooms and basically have quiet time, great. I think it's totally reasonable, especially so *you* can get your quiet time in.

 

:iagree:

[ZooRho]

I think it is fine.

 

My 17 yo goes to bed between 8:30 and 9 pm

 

but most time it is with out asking. of course he gets up at about 4:30am 2 days a week so he likes his sleep.

[stansclan89]

Is it fair to tell the kids that at 8:30/9pm on school nights and 10pm on weekends that they must be in their rooms? I honestly don't care when they go to bed/sleep but I need the time to get on the computer, talk to dh, just unwind without having to monitor everyone.

 

 

We do the same thing for the ones under 18yo. It's not exactly a bedtime since they can do what they want in thier rooms as long as they are quiet until they are ready for sleep.

[mazakaal]

I think 9pm sounds reasonable as a time when they are required to be in their room, as long as you don't mind them coming out to get a drink or snack and let them read, listen to music, or whatever in their rooms.

[Halftime Hope]

From my experience, i would say that with the new one in the house, you'd better plan to confiscate or lock up the phones if you don't want them used. Or, if you can, set the times so they don't work after x o'clock, similar to the way you are cutting off the wireless.

 

The one thing that I would ask you to reconsider, is whether you can have some quiet time with dad a bit earlier, then come back together for some read aloud or visit time. Teens tend to talk late at night and that's when the really good, heart to heart stuff comes up.

 

If everyone went to their own rooms to have quiet time, then you all gathered for "story" time from 9:30 to 10, would that work?

 

Just a thought. May not be what your family needs.

[Parrothead]

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. My dd is 12.6 and as a family we go up for quiet time around 8p. Lights out is between 9 and 10 depending on the day's activities and what is to come the next day.

[Ottakee]

My other kids are used to this, esp. during the school year. I just start turning out lights about 8:30/9pm and say I am "shutting up shop" so it won't be a big deal to them. This boy is used to a 9pm bedtime where he is currently living as well.

 

Last night dh stayed downstairs with the boys and played video games while the girls went to their rooms and talked/played music (they each have their own rooms but tend to sleep in the same room every night).

 

I can see it being 10 or so in the summer as it is light longer. It is just what when I have to be up at 6am I need a good 8 hours of sleep and a bit of down time before that.

 

If we didn't have to be up until 8 then it would be different.

[Splash]

I send my kids upstairs to their rooms between 9 and 9:30. Lights out at 10:00. They are from 6 to 17 yrs in age. (well 6 yr old around 8:45 and he's asleep at 9 but kids 11 to 17 follow those rules) Weekends we do 10 as well.

[Mommyfaithe]

Given your situation, I think it very reasonable. Just don't call it bedtime. It could be room time or some such thing.

 

:iagree:

 

I call it "down" time...and I need it!!

 

This is not "bedtime" or even lights out time. I have my kids go to their rooms at 9:00..... No matter what age....lol. I need time to read, shower, talk to dh, watch a movie I want to watch...whatever, And I assume my older kids need that too. My little guys go to sleep at that time and the house is quiet. Big kids do harder assignments, read, listen to music ( using headphones). Practice their guitars ( also with headphones), draw, paint, write, Play video games, skype with friends ....etc.

 

I think they need this time as much as I need the time. It is not a punishment, or seclusion...lol. My older kids get their best work, stuff done then.

 

The bigger kids usually go to sleep around 11:30....and are up at 7 the next day for work or school. They do sleep in late on the weekends....we all do:D

[Beth in OH]

I'm going to write this post from the vantage point of looking back......I remember having the same thoughts you are having about the need for mental "winding down" space. Dh and I worked hard (struggled) to keep some type of evening order in our home. As the kids got older and pushed more for independence, our efforts for order began to create a negative atmosphere in our home. They seemed controlling somehow, and our rising young adults certainly believed that they were. :lol:

 

Ultimately, dh and I adjusted our own methods for achieving emotional space so that the late evenings could be freer for our kids. I would go to my room and read a book. Either I got to have some relaxation, or often a kid would join me--this was the time of day they were ready to talk. In retrospect, it ended up being very important for us to be among and available to the kids during these later hours. That was when we did our best "coaching" and helped our kids process their more complicated life issues.

 

I know you have a unique set of circumstances with your kids, and you may need a different set-up than we ultimately established. I mostly wanted to point out that the biorhythms of teenagers won't match yours :001_huh:, and you may want to capture the moments when they are going strong.

[Laura Corin]

I would agree. We are pretty strict on bedtimes; but that would be too early even for my almost 11 year old. I do, however, put my 3 year old to bed at 8:30 :D.

 

He's asleep by 8:30 and sleeps soundly to around 6:30 or 7. Calvin is in his room with the door shut by 9:30.

 

I don't think that 8:30 or 9 is too unreasonable as a be-in-their-rooms time if the parents need that space.

 

Laura

[Twinmom]

My almost 13 yr old and my almost 11 yr old go to bed between 8:00 and 8:30 and typically read for an hour or so so chill out, maybe listen to the radio, etc. DD does need more sleep than the average kid, since she has some disabilities, but I'd still send her anyway just for quiet time. DS11 is neurotypical and HATES going down that early...we encourage reading or lego time in his room, but sometimes let him stay up if he needs the time with us. My twins go down by 8:00, nonnegotiable!

 

I really do think that the quiet time and space for Mom and Dad is key, and kiddos should respect that...esp for those of us raising special needs kids. As they get older, though, I think it is okay to have some flexibility for late night talks, etc., if they need it.

[Sarah CB]

I would agree. We are pretty strict on bedtimes; but that would be too early even for my almost 11 year old. I do, however, put my 3 year old to bed at 8:30 :D.

 

I totally disagree. We shoot for 8:30 as a bedtime here for my 12 year old boy and his younger siblings. Ds (12) usually reads in his room until 9:30. I don't think it's too early at all - especially with a wake up time of 6am!

[Heather in Neverland]

It sounds more like personal quiet time, so sure! Its your home, you make the rules/routine! I try to get my kids in "bed" for personal reading, listening to music or writing in journals/stories time daily.

 

:iagree:

 

We did foster care with 5 kids and it was policy that all kids were in their rooms at 9pm, doors shut and alarms set. They didn't have to go to sleep but if they came out the alarms would go off. Of course, these were all very troubled children. But that was the rule.

[AimeeM]

I totally disagree. We shoot for 8:30 as a bedtime here for my 12 year old boy and his younger siblings. Ds (12) usually reads in his room until 9:30. I don't think it's too early at all - especially with a wake up time of 6am!

If that's how it works for you and yours, that's great! I commented that it was too early for us and ours :)

[Pretty in Pink]

Of course it's fair. You said they are allowed to stay up and read, listen to music, etc. -- you just want them in their rooms by 9 on weeknights and 10 on weekends. I send my kids to their rooms at 8 every night of the week but they are allowed to stay up in their rooms on weekends as late as they want. On weeknights my 13yo is allowed to do anything quiet until 10.

 

Your rules are plenty fair, IMO.

[hrigg]

Wow. Parents are much more easy going these days. lol My bedtime as a teenager was 7:30 until I hit 14/15 then it was 8:30. I had to be in my room by then. I wasn't required to be asleep until like 9:30 or 10 when my mom made a final check and said "lights out".

 

Dunno if this helps.

[Mom0012]

Well, technically, my 12 1/2 yo still has an 8:00 bedtime. It recently occurred to me that I might want to move that up a bit. :001_smile: BUT, often he is asleep by 9:00 (seconds after his head hits the pillow) and he doesn't have to get up until 7:30 a.m. Since the others are older, I think sending them to their rooms for a quiet time would be perfectly reasonable since you aren't expecting them to go to sleep right away. I would at least give it a try and see how it works out.

 

Lisa

[PeterPan]

How long are your days? I think the time is reasonable (having a dc the same age), but the long, light-filled days of summer make it really hard to enforce, kwim? Will they continue to get up so early during the summer? Maybe for summer they shift to a later quiet time and later rise? Or get room-darkening shades?