I Need Input Please: ADULT Bullying DD on FB

[astrid]

Okay, long story short:

Dd was friends with A through elementary school. A went to PS, but the two were on local softball teams together and played AG dolls a lot. They remained friends and are now both freshmen in HS, though they are not as close as they once were.

 

A has a cousin M, whom Molly is also friends with via local music/choir programs. M is a sophomore, same high school as M and A. M and A have been locked in a bitter dispute for a year now, barely speaking, whatever. Molly doesn't really know what it's about, and it's never been any of her business, so she's just stayed friends with M and is nodding acquaintances with A, but no animosity toward either, and has never gossiped about either to the other.

 

So suddenly on FB, A and M post a picture of them hugging and making those asinine "duck faces" (which neither Molly nor I can stand!) with the caption, "We're BACK, baby!" to which Molly replies, "Oh! Great!" sincerely meaning she's glad they've patched things up and are on friendly terms again. WELL.....

Suddenly A's MOTHER, who is in her forties, posted two very nasty, personal posts under Molly's comment:

One: "SOMEBODY is JEALOUS! Don't let her interfere again! That MEAN GIRL!" and then the very next comment is the mother again saying this: "Too bad Molly, BLOOD is thicker thank MEAN GIRLS who haven't any socialization skills!"

 

Um what?! So the MOTHER is naming names (Molly's) and calling her names? PUBLICLY? In WRITING?!!!

 

Of course, Molly is completely distraught, as she's always tried very hard to be friends with everyone and NOT act like a "mean girl." As far as she knew, she's still friends with both M and A; this whole thing came as a complete surprise to her! Dh and I are upset that an adult has crossed this line.... but we're at a loss as to what to do. Do we call her? I have a feeling that will make things worse.

 

At what point does this become cyberbullying? Or is it now? In our minds, it would be one thing if it were kid to kid. But adult to kid? That kind of crosses a line, don't you think?

 

Help-- this is new territory for us--- anyone BTDT?

 

astrid

[welovetoread]

Honestly, I would call the mother and get it straightened out and shut down the facebook until that was done.

Even if those messages were between 2 kids, its still bullying. Bullying should not be tolerated by anyone!

[Tap]

Delete and block. Move on.

[Miss Peregrine]

Oh, wow! I would want to open a can o'something!

 

That is not a mature response, however. I am livid for Molly. What an immature brat.

[Mallorie]

Delete and block. Move on.

 

:iagree:

[astrid]

Well, we thought about that. But I think this mother is a bit, um, unhinged? I forgot to add that about a month a go she sent dd a PM on FB-- that weird little story that was going around...'you know that homeless man you see? he's a veteran... etc.' about picking on people. Again, was totally out of the blue, and unwarranted. AT that point I emailed her to say that gee, it seems there is some misunderstanding; if MOlly has done something to hurt A please let us know, we don't tolerate that behavior, we'd love to talk about this..... trying in a nice way to say, "um, if you've got a problem with our kid, take it up with us."

We got no reply, and though we've been together at events since then, band concerts, swim meets, etc. she's take great pains to avoid us. So.....

not sure that'll do any good? Wondering if it'll make it worse? But it's kind of the only plan we've got at the moment...

 

 

astrid

[astrid]

Oh, wow! I would want to open a can o'something!

 

That is not a mature response, however. I am livid for Molly. What an immature brat.

 

Yeah....that's kind of where we are. I"m pretty darn laid back, work-it-out, be-kind-to-others, just-assume-they're-having-a-bad-day kinda gal, and so is Molly. My inner Mama Bear does not come out often, but she's rattlin' the chains and smackin' her lips tonight...

 

astrid

[Mrs Mungo]

Delete and block. Move on.

 

It's on the friend's facebook page, not astrid's dd's page. I'm not sure you can block seeing people, if you aren't friends with them in the first place?

 

Astrid, I agree that this is something you're going to have to call and try to work out with the mom.

[Starr]

Whatever else you do, I would certainly block her. That's really sad. :(

[astrid]

Yes, it's on M's page (not Molly-- the other girl) so we have no way of deleting anything. If we could have, it would be gone and we'd have applied our old family saying which applies so well at times like these:

 

"Just smile and know that you're well-bred." :001_smile:

 

astrid

[Gingerbread Mama]

I would probably have to call and ask the mother what on earth is going on. That is just my personality. If you delete them you may not be able to keep an eye on what they may be saying about your DD. I would want to know if they were continuing to bash her online.

 

 

Btw can someone tell me what a duck face is? I think I have an idea, but I'm just not real sure.

[LG Gone Wild]

I don't know how you should handle it but I know how I would handle it. It would be with calm snark and call her comments an overreaction and frankly, deranged. I would also inform that though dd likes both M and A, it is shame we shall have to cut off of relations because such types of people are a bore.

[astrid]

Can't block her-- she's not a friend, and this is not on Molly's FB page, it's on M's. Comments there are picking on MOlly, all by this adult. That's part of what's so frustrating.

 

astrid

[Tap]

What do you think a confrontation will accomplish? You already know she is 'unhinged', do you think you will have a rational conversation with her?

 

I wouldn't allow her to hurt either of you further. Take control of the situation and get your self out of harms way. If she comes after one of you in a public arena, that is different. This is just FB and you can limit her contact with a few clicks. Do not stoop to her level and start a battle that you can not win! You can't beat crazy.

[Tap]

Can't block her-- she's not a friend, and this is not on Molly's FB page, it's on M's. Comments there are picking on MOlly, all by this adult. That's part of what's so frustrating.

 

astrid

 

Block the other person.

[Rosie_0801]

Have Molly post "I was being sincere. I am glad A and M are friends again. Friends are good things to have."

 

And if Mrs Nutcase goes nutty again, block her if you can. If she's already avoiding you IRL, don't go out of your way to interrupt that. What a git.

 

Rosie

[Mandylubug]

Well, I was a victim of bullying by adults (adult myself) a couple years back. It was overwhelming and hurt to be blasted on fb so publicly. What I have learned was in conversations that I was a part of, even though I didn't "voice" my opinion directly but more so shook my head or said "yeah" that was an implication of my approval of opinion. Perhaps, the mother felt she was a part of the drama due to the acceptance of opinions, etc.. IDK, it doesn't excuse the bad behavior. I do know that fb bullying can be overwhelming and hurtful when it comes from an area in your life that you were previously confident and secure with!

 

Hope it is resolved soon!

[TranquilMind]

Okay, long story short:

Dd was friends with A through elementary school. A went to PS, but the two were on local softball teams together and played AG dolls a lot. They remained friends and are now both freshmen in HS, though they are not as close as they once were.

 

A has a cousin M, whom Molly is also friends with via local music/choir programs. M is a sophomore, same high school as M and A. M and A have been locked in a bitter dispute for a year now, barely speaking, whatever. Molly doesn't really know what it's about, and it's never been any of her business, so she's just stayed friends with M and is nodding acquaintances with A, but no animosity toward either, and has never gossiped about either to the other.

 

So suddenly on FB, A and M post a picture of them hugging and making those asinine "duck faces" (which neither Molly nor I can stand!) with the caption, "We're BACK, baby!" to which Molly replies, "Oh! Great!" sincerely meaning she's glad they've patched things up and are on friendly terms again. WELL.....

Suddenly A's MOTHER, who is in her forties, posted two very nasty, personal posts under Molly's comment:

One: "SOMEBODY is JEALOUS! Don't let her interfere again! That MEAN GIRL!" and then the very next comment is the mother again saying this: "Too bad Molly, BLOOD is thicker thank MEAN GIRLS who haven't any socialization skills!"

 

Um what?! So the MOTHER is naming names (Molly's) and calling her names? PUBLICLY? In WRITING?!!!

 

Of course, Molly is completely distraught, as she's always tried very hard to be friends with everyone and NOT act like a "mean girl." As far as she knew, she's still friends with both M and A; this whole thing came as a complete surprise to her! Dh and I are upset that an adult has crossed this line.... but we're at a loss as to what to do. Do we call her? I have a feeling that will make things worse.

 

At what point does this become cyberbullying? Or is it now? In our minds, it would be one thing if it were kid to kid. But adult to kid? That kind of crosses a line, don't you think?

 

Help-- this is new territory for us--- anyone BTDT?

 

astrid

It's stupid but it's not "bullying".

 

Gee, just have your daughter post, "The above comment, "Oh! Great!" apparently has been misunderstood. I'm very happy (name the two girls) are friends again. Life is too short to hold grudges."

 

Or something like that.

 

Usually, when people are called out directly, they straighten up. And of course the woman is being a jerk. She should know better.

 

If she continues, then block the friend.

 

I'm so glad I don't have a Facebook.

Edited April 26, 2012 by TranquilMind

[astrid]

What do you think a confrontation will accomplish? You already know she is 'unhinged', do you think you will have a rational conversation with her?

 

I wouldn't allow her to hurt either of you further. Take control of the situation and get your self out of harms way. If she comes after one of you in a public arena, that is different. This is just FB and you can limit her contact with a few clicks. Do not stoop to her level and start a battle that you can not win! You can't beat crazy.

 

Well see, we can't manage it with a few clicks. She didn't post on Molly's page, but on the page of a friend of Molly's, talking about Molly (and naming her by name) so we have no control over deleting any comments. They're there, unless she deletes them herself. However I did take screen shots of the page so I have it saved for future reference, if necessary.

 

And no, I don't think confronting her would get us anywhere--- any adult who would do this is clearly going to be defensive at best and positively unhinged at worst. I'm afraid it might make things worse for Molly.

 

astrid

[Alenee]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: How terrible that adults can't just be ADULTS. :glare: I would guess this woman has some issues unbeknownst to you but as a parent, I can't stress enough how important it is to stand up for your kids. I would feel nervous as all get out but I'd make the call and if nothing came of it or it proceeded to get worse, I'd cut off all communication.

[Trilliums]

I think I'd put a confused emote beneath the mom's comments. Or, something along the slightly snarky lines of "I have no idea what you are talking about. I am sincerely happy for them both and have the good manners to say so."

 

Or, your daughter could ask the other girl if she had done something to cause a problem between the two of them. Maybe originally they did have a falling out over something related to your daughter?

 

Wow, FB stuff would just rattle me. Good luck resolving this one.

[astrid]

It's stupid but it's not "bullying".

 

Gee, just have your daughter post, "The above comment, "Oh! Great!" apparently has been misunderstood. I'm very happy (name the two girls) are friends again. Life is too short to hold grudges."

 

Or something like that.

 

Usually, when people are called out directly, they straighten up. And of course the woman is being a jerk. She should know better.

 

If she fails, then unfriend her.

 

See above posts-- can't "unfriend" her as she's not a "friend." This was on the other girl's wall.

 

I think it kind of crosses a line when it's an adult calling a kind names, though. :glare:

astrid

[indigomama]

I'm a little confused, about who is who, but could you or Molly contact the girl who's page it is and ask her to delete the comments?

[TranquilMind]

See above posts-- can't "unfriend" her as she's not a "friend." This was on the other girl's wall.

 

I think it kind of crosses a line when it's an adult calling a kind names, though. :glare:

astrid

I edited that, realizing that she was not a friend. You can block the other girl though, or your daughter can just address it directly, as has been mentioned by several people. Someone said something like, "I'm glad they are friends again. Friends are good to have."

 

"Mean girl" is silly coming from an adult. When you said she was calling her names, I was thinking she was saying she is a B**** or other such things. Your daughter could innocently state, "I am confused as to how it is mean to be glad people are reconciled as friends." or something.

[Miss Peregrine]

Not sure why I forgot this because we just did this last week. If you click on the woman's name and go to her profile you will see report/block this person on the lower left. Click to report and then you will be prompted to give a reason.

[KnitWit]

Wow. That is awful and how immature of the mom. Something weird is up.

 

Actually, you *can* block the mom. I had a woman who was a friend of a couple of friends who started posting on everything I said to either of them and trying to twist my meaning. It didn't bother my friends, who know me, but I got fed up with it and went to my privacy settings and then the "blocked people and apps" and I typed in her name exactly as it appeared and blocked her and all is glorious now as she can't see me and I don't see her. :) HALLELUJAH! LOL!

[justasque]

You can't beat crazy.

 

:iagree:

[Little Nyssa]

It seems to me that probably the girls told their mom something negative about your daughter and she is rudely reacting to that--- maybe they blamed something on her that they themselves had done.

Unless this lady is like this with everyone, it seems she is going out of her way to interpret a harmless comment as a slur. She has something against her. I doubt you'll be able to uncover it, though, and at this point it wouldn't matter to me what it is. I wouldn't bother digging for it. I think it would just stir up more trouble. But that's just my 2 cents.

 

1. Post the friendly message that PPs recommended.

2. Tell DD that it is that lady's problem, not hers, and that she will meet a lot of people in life who want to misinterpret, according to their own set of blinkers, and that the sooner you learn to let it roll off your back, the better.

3. I would let DD keep being friends with them, if it goes no farther.

4. Here's something I learned here: you don't have to have the last word in every conversation, in order to be heard. Don't let DD follow that conversation with comment after comment.

 

Can you tell that I am trying to learn these things myself? Just today I met some Australians, and that reminded me of an Australian girl who was obnoxious to me 7 years ago and I got all mad inside again about it! Tell me to let it go already!!!

Best wishes to DD.

[Perry]

Have Molly post "I was being sincere. I am glad A and M are friends again. Friends are good things to have."

 

 

 

Gee, just have your daughter post, "The above comment, "Oh! Great!" apparently has been misunderstood. I'm very happy (name the two girls) are friends again. Life is too short to hold grudges."

 

Or something like that.

 

Usually, when people are called out directly, they straighten up. And of course the woman is being a jerk. She should know better.

:iagree:

 

I would say something to the mother. I think it's more likely to continue if no one calls her out.

[SunnyDays]

Have Molly post "I was being sincere. I am glad A and M are friends again. Friends are good things to have."

 

And if Mrs Nutcase goes nutty again, block her if you can. If she's already avoiding you IRL, don't go out of your way to interrupt that. What a git.

 

Rosie

 

 

:iagree: If you want to do something, I would probably go this route. Perhaps Mrs. Nutcase will look around and realize that no one is in her corner. Very odd.

[KungFuPanda]

Normally I have a Do Not Engage policy, but could your daughter post:

 

"I meant it sincerely, not sarcastically, when I said 'Oh! Great!' I'm happy to see A and M hanging out again."

 

The mom will either back peddle/apologize OR launch into a weird rant. You'll know from her response if she's just not quite bright or if she really is full-out crazy mean. I can't tell from the original post if she's actually a "cyber bully" or just a moron who thinks she's pulling off the mama bear act.

[DianeW88]

Delete and block. Move on.

 

:iagree:

[Rosie_0801]

Can you tell that I am trying to learn these things myself? Just today I met some Australians, and that reminded me of an Australian girl who was obnoxious to me 7 years ago and I got all mad inside again about it! Tell me to let it go already!!!

 

Too late to hit her over the head with a brick, so you'd better get over it.

 

Well meaning advice from your friendly neighbourhood Australian.

 

:D

Rosie

[Sk8ermaiden]

You can absolutely block people not on your friends list. She will not be able to see anything your daughter writes on anyone's wall, nor will your daughter be able to see anything the adult writes. If the adult searched Facebook it will be as if your DD does not even have an account.

[Kirch]

I was wondering about that too--crazy mom seems to have gotten the impression from someone that Molly had her finger in the issue somehow. Crazy mom might just be crazy, but you might want to warn Molly to be careful around A and M, because it seems like maybe one of them might have been lying about Molly/her involvement in the whole thing. Prepare her that there's a chance one of them (or both) may be making her the scapegoat in the whole mess. That would explain crazy mom's actions (wouldn't excuse them, though.)

 

Or maybe crazy mom is just crazy!

[DianeW88]

You can absolutely block people not on your friends list. She will not be able to see anything your daughter writes on anyone's wall, nor will your daughter be able to see anything the adult writes. If the adult searched Facebook it will be as if your DD does not even have an account.

 

Yes. This is what I meant. This woman will never see your dd on FB again. She can be blocked even is she is not a friend. She will NOT see your dd's comments on her dd's page or anyone else's for that matter.

[MomatHWTK]

It sounds like someone in the relationship has told the mom that your DD is responsible for their break up. So, that someone isn't really DD's friend. I'd avoid the whole mess of them, de-friend both girls and stay far away. Whatever kind of crazy is going on, your DD doesn't need to be sucked any farther into it. Let them say what they want, gossip to their heart's content and just don't view it. :grouphug:

[Elizabeth in MN]

I'm not sure you can block seeing people, if you aren't friends with them in the first place?

 

Oh yes you can, thank G-D. I still have a few friends in common with my ex-husband. I totally blocked him so I don't see anything he says. My blood-pressure thanks me daily : D

[Farrar]

I think I'd put a confused emote beneath the mom's comments. Or, something along the slightly snarky lines of "I have no idea what you are talking about. I am sincerely happy for them both and have the good manners to say so.".

 

Have Molly post "I was being sincere. I am glad A and M are friends again. Friends are good things to have."

 

And if Mrs Nutcase goes nutty again, block her if you can. If she's already avoiding you IRL, don't go out of your way to interrupt that. What a git.

 

 

 

:iagree: my thoughts exactly.

[Little Nyssa]

Rosie, thanks mate!! :001_smile:

[5kidsforME]

Have Molly post "I was being sincere. I am glad A and M are friends again. Friends are good things to have."

 

And if Mrs Nutcase goes nutty again, block her if you can. If she's already avoiding you IRL, don't go out of your way to interrupt that. What a git.

 

Rosie

 

 

:iagree:

[kitten18]

It seems to me that probably the girls told their mom something negative about your daughter and she is rudely reacting to that--- maybe they blamed something on her that they themselves had done.

 

I was wondering about that too--crazy mom seems to have gotten the impression from someone that Molly had her finger in the issue somehow. Crazy mom might just be crazy, but you might want to warn Molly to be careful around A and M, because it seems like maybe one of them might have been lying about Molly/her involvement in the whole thing. Prepare her that there's a chance one of them (or both) may be making her the scapegoat in the whole mess. That would explain crazy mom's actions (wouldn't excuse them, though.)

 

Or maybe crazy mom is just crazy!

 

It sounds like someone in the relationship has told the mom that your DD is responsible for their break up. So, that someone isn't really DD's friend. I'd avoid the whole mess of them, de-friend both girls and stay far away. Whatever kind of crazy is going on, your DD doesn't need to be sucked any farther into it. Let them say what they want, gossip to their heart's content and just don't view it. :grouphug:

:iagree::iagree::iagree: These girls (or at least one of them) has blamed your daughter for something.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Can't block her-- she's not a friend, and this is not on Molly's FB page, it's on M's. Comments there are picking on MOlly, all by this adult. That's part of what's so frustrating.

 

astrid

 

You can block her so you won't see her comments, even if she is not a friend. Of course, she'll still be able to post, but she won't see your dd either.

 

It's very likely that she'll realize she was blocked and she might still comment. I don't know how much you can do in a situation like this where you already know she's unhinged. Would your dd's friend be able to run interference for your dd? (It's her aunt, right?) Or would you be able to contact your dd's friend's mom to see if she has suggestions? (It must her sister or sil?)

[4ofus]

I THINK Molly could delete her own comment on the friends page/picture. The Mom's comments would remain, but the original comment would be gone.

 

I think I'd do this, then block mom as pp's mentioned. Then slowly detach myself from this entire friend triangle. Gentle, but firm, extraction. If the mom is fired up, the girls are likely feeding her something to fuel the fire. Molly can't win here. She just needs to safely exit.

[TXBeth]

Why doesn't Molly just call M and say "Hey did you see what your aunt put on FB? Why does she think I'd be jealous? I'm glad you two are friends again! Does A think I was trying to keep you two apart or something?"

[Forget-Me-Not]

Can't block her-- she's not a friend, and this is not on Molly's FB page, it's on M's. Comments there are picking on MOlly, all by this adult. That's part of what's so frustrating.

 

astrid

 

 

As others have said, you can definitely block people who aren't friends. I've got a list of 5 or 6 people who are blocked for various reasons. Once you block them, it's as if you don't exist on FB at all for them. They can't see you or see your posts on mutual friend pages, find you in the directory, etc.

 

I agree with the others that your daughter should post something about her comment being misunderstood and see what happens.

[Reflections]

See above posts-- can't "unfriend" her as she's not a "friend." This was on the other girl's wall.

 

I think it kind of crosses a line when it's an adult calling a kind names, though. :glare:

astrid

 

Astrid,

 

You CAN block the mom. It does NOT matter if your daughter is friends with her or NOT. Just go to the mom's page and BLOCK her.

 

Tell your daughter to take a big step back from all of this. There is only heartbreak down this road. That isn't an easy thing to do in High School, I get that. But if you don't want this to get worse, your dd needs to take a step back from those girls. If the mother is truly unhinged she will keep stirring the pot and make it bad for everyone around her. Negative people need more negativity to keep fueling their fire - don't let your dd get caught up in that family's drama.

 

Just my opinion.

[tex-mex]

Have Molly post "I was being sincere. I am glad A and M are friends again. Friends are good things to have."

 

And if Mrs Nutcase goes nutty again, block her if you can. If she's already avoiding you IRL, don't go out of your way to interrupt that. What a git.

 

Rosie

:iagree:

 

I think the original comment of, "Oh! Great!" -- which may have been misinterpreted by the unstable, mentally deranged, and smothering mother? ;)

 

I do believe the mother's FB comments if left on that girl's page will show the entire world what a nitwit she is. And to me, it appears that girl A was talking smack about the OP's dd all along? Weird. So sorry to hear this happened. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Lawyer. Make a fast stand against an adult doing this to a child.

[Parrothead]

It sounds like someone in the relationship has told the mom that your DD is responsible for their break up. So, that someone isn't really DD's friend. I'd avoid the whole mess of them, de-friend both girls and stay far away. Whatever kind of crazy is going on, your DD doesn't need to be sucked any farther into it. Let them say what they want, gossip to their heart's content and just don't view it. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

Alternately if Molly really wants to keep the friendship, get the girl that Molly is good friends with and her mom over for a discussion about what is going on. Don't engage crazy mom.