I feel like I was kicked in the gut today.

[Denisemomof4]

I was always close to my aunt. I really respected and admired her. I used to call her once per week and we'd chat for a long time, sometimes half an hour, sometimes several hours. I really respected her opinion on things and viewed her as a very wise woman.

 

When I cut my sister out of my life the second time, because she's just too difficult and caused too much stress on dh and I both, things changed with her. I don't believe it has anything to do with my leaving my sister behind for good. She did this with her own sister who was mentally ill and stole from her. She really seemed to understand the first time, and I think she did the second time. The issue is that my sister has always been deeply jealous of me. She used to drive a wedge between my mother and I and it caused me SO much pain in my life. When I was pregnant with my first baby, sister just cut me out of her life entirely when I was in my forth month of pregnancy. She wouldn't return my calls or see me, and she told my mother that she was spending too much time with me and it was hurting her, so my mother cut back on seeing me. It was a very painful time for me, although it should have been the happiest. She came back into my life when my son was born.

 

When I finally cut my sister out of my life at 35 years of age, peace returned and a beautiful relationship with my parents happened at a level I never dreamed possible. It only could have happened without my sister involved in any way at all. We became SO close, something I had never experienced, EVER. Even in my childhood my sister's jealousy of me kept my parents from truly having a real relationship with me.

 

So, once I severed all ties with my sister the second, and final time, and after my mom died, my sister went to town destroying my relationship with my aunt. Do I know for certain? No. But my aunt and I never, ever had words. Ever. I had even been looking for homes with in-law appts. when we were going to move to VA because I was hoping aunt and grandmother would move in with us and I could help to care for them. My aunt never had kids. I also offered numerous times to build an addition behind our house for her and I would care for her. Every time she told me how proud she was of me at how I took care of my mother, I let her know I would do the same for her. I loved her so much.

 

Anyway, I noticed a change. I never asked her about it, I just hoped we would get back to the relationship we had with time. On Easter Sunday, the first Easter after both my parents died, we were outside painting the house all day. I was bone tired at the end of the day when we came inside to make a good dinner. We relaxed with some good food, watched a little tv, then went to bed. As I was starting to fall asleep, it occurred to me that I had never called my aunt! Just as quickly as that occurred to me, I was devastated that she never called us. That's when I realized things had really changed.

 

I was too hurt to address this situation with her. I have always done so much for all of my family and I get kicked in the gut all the time. It occurred to me that our relationship wasn't real if she could just let it go like that. It wasn't fair to me that she listened to my sister an never discussed anything with me. I know some of you will say I don't know this for sure, but I do. I saw the pattern often in my lifetime with my sister. She went out of her way to destroy all my holidays and my relationships. She dated an ex of mine, someone I was in a long term relationship with. She told me about it when all our friends flew out from CA for sister's wedding, adn she told me in a crowded room. She used to try to stab my heart all the time. I know she is what caused this.

 

Dh keeps telling me, regardless of what my sister has done, he has lost ALL respect for my aunt, someone he also admired. He blames her 100% because she is who did this, and I know he is right. But I also know my sister is behind this.

 

It has been almost two years since I last heard from her. The pain has settled a great deal, and I am making peace with the fact that our relationship was a farce. Then today, out of the blue, I get a package from her. I didn't open it for awhile because I knew I could never have a relationship with her again on the level it once was. When I finally did open it, what was inside? The silk quilt I had made for her in China. Nothing else. No note, no card, nothing.

 

I have never known her to do such an ugly thing. This really does surprise me.

 

At first I was going to send her a thank you card and inside say, "How thoughtful!" but I'm not going to bother to sink to her level. I will not be contacting her in any way.

 

Contacting her will never be an option. I'd rather have no relationship at this point because she truly is not the person I knew and loved for almost 46 years. I have no desire to hear from her again. She is in her 80's.

 

What complicates things is my sister's greed. I have a feeling a part of the reason for this wedge is my sister not only wants to try to destroy me further, but she wants all my aunt's money when she dies. My aunt made it clear that it would be divided between the two of us. This obviously won't be happening now. Oh well.

 

My sister has always gotten handouts from my parents, her inlaws, my aunt. I don't know why people enabled her shopaholic spending and lavish vacations they could never afford. When both my parents died, my sister had huge issues with the lawyer who was in charge of my father's trust, so we hired a different lawyer and made dh co-trustee so that everything could be overlooked by someone in our families. Sister an brother are both mentally ill and have paranoia issues, and dh was glad to do this. LOTS of work , all unappreciated. My sister now, 2.5 years after my mother's death, wants copies of every single transaction in the trust, every receipt, every letter mailed, etc. She has cost the trust SO MUCH MONEY since back when my dad died, and the lawyer told us it will cost $600 to give her everything she wants. I finally said no, we're done, she can pay for any extra requests out of her own portion. MY parents were once millionaires but there is barely anything left. My brother is on disability, lives in a condo that is paid for, and the trust pays his extra expenses for his car, condo fees, and insurance. Anything not normal spending. His money will run out in about five years, and her constant draining of his funds is also bothering me.

 

I think that since she has to be copied on my correspondence, and she knows we won't be paying anything further, that she is livid and going after me with a vengeance. Again, it's been 2.5 years since my mom died, dad died before her. Dh and I keep wonder why she is causing so many problems after all this time, and the lawyer is so tired of dealing with my sister. She was tired of dealing with her a few months after she met her, and that was years ago!

 

I'm so sorry this got so long. It is probably all disjointed, too.

 

I just need time to gain some peace and healing with this, but my chest and stomach has been hurting for about four hours now, the type of pain you get when you need to let out a huge, long cry.

 

I am so thankful for my friends I have, and they are all true, wonderful friends. But aside from them, I struggle with my thoughts of just how much people suck.

 

The only other family I have are my sister and my brother, and my brother is the only one I am in contact with. Dh and I handle all his business affairs and I am his representative payee. Sister hasn't seen him in two years.

Edited March 24, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

oh man.... that is SO LONG.

 

I will go back and try to edit things out.

 

I'm sorry. I couldn't edit anything out. It's all so important to me.

 

But nobody has to read all or any of it.

 

I guess I'm just whining because i'm so hurt.

Edited March 24, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[awisha.]

Oh my, all I can offer you is lots of :grouphug: I just can't imagine what it would be like to experience what you have. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

No advice, but my story is the same except the aunt part. :grouphug:

 

So sorry you are hurting. I hate that I have so few family members in my life, but cutting out the toxic ones has made my life much better.

 

ok, then I will claim you as my cyber sister. Be nice.;):D

 

Sorry for you, too.

[Trish]

Well, rather than just let the relationship go, can you try to find out why? Maybe your aunt was told some Gigantic Lie that she believed.

[Negin]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[readinmom]

I am so feeling your pain right now. I have a sister who was much like this, never showed up for our dad's funeral. The return of the quilt is over the top.

 

I don't know if this will help, but here goes:

 

You said your aunt was in her 80's, and without being too personal, I have experience with this. After my dad died, some of our family just assumed they would come in and push my mom around, take what they wanted. At first, she had the strength to know her own mind. I'm very proud of what she has accomplished on her own. Over the past year however, I noticed that she will agree with someone or something, even though previously she stated the opposite. I know that she is always concerned about others feelings, so I know that is what contributes to it. I feel that your dear aunt is probably the same way. Given her age, and the outright belligerence of your sister's actions, she doesn't really stand a chance.

 

I would write her a letter, saying how often you think of her and the times you spent together. How much you cherish what she has taught/shared with you. Include how wonderful your children are doing, how proud she would be of them. Don't be negative. Don't say anything about the sister. End of a loving note.

 

 

You obviously had a wonderful relationship, or you would not be hurting so deeply. At the end of the day, when it is just you and your dh and dc, are you happy? If so, just keep going on. Put that relationship that you treasured with your aunt into your own dc, and teach them the rewards of a loving family. It sounds like you are a very loving and caring person. Share that with someone who will appreciate it, not take advantage of it.

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[inmyopinion]

I am sorry for all tha you have had to go through.

I know that I do not know all about your situtation but one thing that came to mind was that some people in their elder years start behaving differently, even if they do not have dementia. My grandmother became very suspicious of those around her and used to imagine people were doing things to her. My husband's grandmother is starting to do the same things. Maybe her mental health is failing as she ages and it is effecting her relationships.

[Jennifer in MI]

I'm so sorry Denise. It's just not fair. I wish I had some awesome words of wisdom, but I don't. :grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

I feel like I'm missing something, as I don't really understand why not getting a phone call one Easter was reason to cut off all contact with your aunt. She hasn't contacted you, but you haven't contacted her in all that time either, correct? It's possible she's been very hurt all this time, too. Sending back the quilt was hurtful. I'm sorry you're dealing with this pain.

Edited March 24, 2012 by WordGirl

[Kathleen in VA]

I know there's a lot of complicated back story that could blow my theory out of the water, buuuuut, I was thinking that at 80 years of age she may be going through the process of sorting out her possessions and making sure they get to the right people. Perhaps she wanted to make sure, if anything should happen to her, that the quilt was safely in your hands. The fact that there was no note could be explained by the possibility that she isn't able to write much and/or was at a loss for words - perhaps feeling she couldn't do it justice and knew that if she waited around until she thought of the perfect words she'd never get the quilt mailed.

[chepyl]

If your sister is trying to get things from your aunt, is it possible she sent the quilt to save it from your sister. Or is it possible that sister sent it without her knowing? I would send a note or call, find out what is going on from her.

 

I am sorry you have had such a rough time with your family. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I am sorry for all tha you have had to go through.

I know that I do not know all about your situtation but one thing that came to mind was that some people in their elder years start behaving differently, even if they do not have dementia. My grandmother became very suspicious of those around her and used to imagine people were doing things to her. My husband's grandmother is starting to do the same things. Maybe her mental health is failing as she ages and it is effecting her relationships.

 

she was sharp as a tack last time I talked to her, and both her parents were the same until their deaths at 83 and 92. I know it's not this because we stopped talking when she was totally fine. It all started when I told sister I was D-O-N-E.

[5kidsforME]

I was always close to my aunt. I really respected and admired her. I used to call her once per week and we'd chat for a long time, sometimes half an hour, sometimes several hours. I really respected her opinion on things and viewed her as a very wise woman.

 

When I cut my sister out of my life the second time, because she's just too difficult and caused too much stress on dh and I both, things changed with her. I don't believe it has anything to do with my leaving my sister behind for good. She did this with her own sister who was mentally ill and stole from her. She really seemed to understand the first time, and I think she did the second time. The issue is that my sister has always been deeply jealous of me. She used to drive a wedge between my mother and I and it caused me SO much pain in my life. When I was pregnant with my first baby, sister just cut me out of her life entirely when I was in my forth month of pregnancy. She wouldn't return my calls or see me, and she told my mother that she was spending too much time with me and it was hurting her, so my mother cut back on seeing me. It was a very painful time for me, although it should have been the happiest. She came back into my life when my son was born.

 

When I finally cut my sister out of my life at 35 years of age, peace returned and a beautiful relationship with my parents happened at a level I never dreamed possible. It only could have happened without my sister involved in any way at all. We became SO close, something I had never experienced, EVER. Even in my childhood my sister's jealousy of me kept my parents from truly having a real relationship with me.

 

So, once I severed all ties with my sister the second, and final time, and after my mom died, my sister went to town destroying my relationship with my aunt. Do I know for certain? No. But my aunt and I never, ever had words. Ever. I had even been looking for homes with in-law appts. when we were going to move to VA because I was hoping aunt and grandmother would move in with us and I could help to care for them. My aunt never had kids. I also offered numerous times to build an addition behind our house for her and I would care for her. Every time she told me how proud she was of me at how I took care of my mother, I let her know I would do the same for her. I loved her so much.

 

Anyway, I noticed a change. I never asked her about it, I just hoped we would get back to the relationship we had with time. On Easter Sunday, the first Easter after both my parents died, we were outside painting the house all day. I was bone tired at the end of the day when we came inside to make a good dinner. We relaxed with some good food, watched a little tv, then went to bed. As I was starting to fall asleep, it occurred to me that I had never called my aunt! Just as quickly as that occurred to me, I was devastated that she never called us. That's when I realized things had really changed.

 

I was too hurt to address this situation with her. I have always done so much for all of my family and I get kicked in the gut all the time. It occurred to me that our relationship wasn't real if she could just let it go like that. It wasn't fair to me that she listened to my sister an never discussed anything with me. I know some of you will say I don't know this for sure, but I do. I saw the pattern often in my lifetime with my sister. She went out of her way to destroy all my holidays and my relationships. She dated an ex of mine, someone I was in a long term relationship with. She told me about it when all our friends flew out from CA for sister's wedding, adn she told me in a crowded room. She used to try to stab my heart all the time. I know she is what caused this.

 

Dh keeps telling me, regardless of what my sister has done, he has lost ALL respect for my aunt, someone he also admired. He blames her 100% because she is who did this, and I know he is right. But I also know my sister is behind this.

 

It has been almost two years since I last heard from her. The pain has settled a great deal, and I am making peace with the fact that our relationship was a farce. Then today, out of the blue, I get a package from her. I didn't open it for awhile because I knew I could never have a relationship with her again on the level it once was. When I finally did open it, what was inside? The silk quilt I had made for her in China. Nothing else. No note, no card, nothing.

 

I have never known her to do such an ugly thing. This really does surprise me.

 

At first I was going to send her a thank you card and inside say, "How thoughtful!" but I'm not going to bother to sink to her level. I will not be contacting her in any way.

 

Contacting her will never be an option. I'd rather have no relationship at this point because she truly is not the person I knew and loved for almost 46 years. I have no desire to hear from her again. She is in her 80's.

 

What complicates things is my sister's greed. I have a feeling a part of the reason for this wedge is my sister not only wants to try to destroy me further, but she wants all my aunt's money when she dies. My aunt made it clear that it would be divided between the two of us. This obviously won't be happening now. Oh well.

 

My sister has always gotten handouts from my parents, her inlaws, my aunt. I don't know why people enabled her shopaholic spending and lavish vacations they could never afford. When both my parents died, my sister had huge issues with the lawyer who was in charge of my father's trust, so we hired a different lawyer and made dh co-trustee so that everything could be overlooked by someone in our families. Sister an brother are both mentally ill and have paranoia issues, and dh was glad to do this. LOTS of work , all unappreciated. My sister now, 2.5 years after my mother's death, wants copies of every single transaction in the trust, every receipt, every letter mailed, etc. She has cost the trust SO MUCH MONEY since back when my dad died, and the lawyer told us it will cost $600 to give her everything she wants. I finally said no, we're done, she can pay for any extra requests out of her own portion. MY parents were once millionaires but there is barely anything left. My brother is on disability, lives in a condo that is paid for, and the trust pays his extra expenses for his car, condo fees, and insurance. Anything not normal spending. His money will run out in about five years, and her constant draining of his funds is also bothering me.

 

I think that since she has to be copied on my correspondence, and she knows we won't be paying anything further, that she is livid and going after me with a vengeance. Again, it's been 2.5 years since my mom died, dad died before her. Dh and I keep wonder why she is causing so many problems after all this time, and the lawyer is so tired of dealing with my sister. She was tired of dealing with her a few months after she met her, and that was years ago!

 

I'm so sorry this got so long. It is probably all disjointed, too.

 

I just need time to gain some peace and healing with this, but my chest and stomach has been hurting for about four hours now, the type of pain you get when you need to let out a huge, long cry.

 

I am so thankful for my friends I have, and they are all true, wonderful friends. But aside from them, I struggle with my thoughts of just how much people suck.

 

The only other family I have are my sister and my brother, and my brother is the only one I am in contact with. Dh and I handle all his business affairs and I am his representative payee. Sister hasn't seen him in two years.

 

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug: I don't understand why family has to be so difficult. Money issues just make everything a heck of a lot worse too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know there's a lot of complicated back story that could blow my theory out of the water, buuuuut, I was thinking that at 80 years of age she may be going through the process of sorting out her possessions and making sure they get to the right people. Perhaps she wanted to make sure, if anything should happen to her, that the quilt was safely in your hands. The fact that there was no note could be explained by the possibility that she isn't able to write much and/or was at a loss for words - perhaps feeling she couldn't do it justice and knew that if she waited around until she thought of the perfect words she'd never get the quilt mailed.

 

This is what I thought of. My mom is 86. I have gotten packages like your quilt from her and there was no intent to hurt but just sorting her possessions and getting them to the person that she thought would want it most and have the most connection with it.

[Denisemomof4]

I know there's a lot of complicated back story that could blow my theory out of the water, buuuuut, I was thinking that at 80 years of age she may be going through the process of sorting out her possessions and making sure they get to the right people. Perhaps she wanted to make sure, if anything should happen to her, that the quilt was safely in your hands. The fact that there was no note could be explained by the possibility that she isn't able to write much and/or was at a loss for words - perhaps feeling she couldn't do it justice and knew that if she waited around until she thought of the perfect words she'd never get the quilt mailed.

 

she actually sorted out all her possessions years ago when she fell and broke her hip the first time. It's been about a decade or longer. She wanted everything gone in preparation for if she had to move. Her condo is on the third floor and there is no elevator. My dad told me her condo is bare.

[Danestress]

sometimes people can be very disappointing. You have to live in the knowledge of what you know is true and hope that in some kind of eternity, the truth will be clear, and many things will be mended. But for now, I am so sorry.

[Denisemomof4]

I feel like I'm missing something, as I don't really understand why not getting a phone call one Easter was reason to cut off all contact with your aunt. She hasn't contacted you, but you haven't contacted her in all that time either, correct? It's possible she's been very hurt all this time, too. Sending back the quilt was hurtful. I'm sorry you're dealing with this pain.

 

My aunt and I talked all the time. After my dad died, I started to call her daily to check in on her because he was all she had left. If I didn't call her for a few days, she would call me. That changed after I cut my sister out of my life the second time.

 

Also, we never, ever, ever in my lifetime went without talking on every single holiday. If I were busy and didn't beat her to it, she ALWAYS called me. The missed call was intentional. And she never would have let a week go by without talking to me.

 

The quilt being sent back was a stab in my heart. She knows I was deeply hurt when my mil returned hers and told me to keep it. My aunt consoled me over that. MIL is another wack job and none of her kids talk to her, none of her grandkids either, only dh and dd12. She is as bad as my sister. Lucky me.

[chepyl]

Another thought, my grandmother is 90, for at least the last 15 years she has hated to talk on the phone. If she called, it was a quick 2 minutes and she was off. She has not called me for years, not because we have a strained relationship, but because she hates being on the phone. She has had hearing problems which causes part of her dislike, but is not the only reason.

 

Maybe your aunt is losing her hearing amd can't talk on the phone much.

[PhotoGal]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. :grouphug: It sounds like a very stressful and sad situation. I hope that things do improve somehow.

[Denisemomof4]

Another thought, my grandmother is 90, for at least the last 15 years she has hated to talk on the phone. If she called, it was a quick 2 minutes and she was off. She has not called me for years, not because we have a strained relationship, but because she hates being on the phone. She has had hearing problems which causes part of her dislike, but is not the only reason.

 

Maybe your aunt is losing her hearing amd can't talk on the phone much.

 

my aunt rarely leaves her place now due to all the stairs (she is in IL, I am in NH, sister in MA) and she will spend hours upon hours on the phone talking to her friends and the tiny bit of family she has left. She has always been like this, and it is now the only way for her to keep connected. The only people she regularly sees is her cousin's ex-wife and her ds. This woman takes her to appts. when she has them, otherwise the hairdresser comes to her, and all her groceries are delivered. S he lives outside of Chicago and has all kinds of services I never dreamed of having in small town NH.

[4kiddies]

my aunt rarely leaves her place now due to all the stairs (she is in IL, I am in NH, sister in MA) and she will spend hours upon hours on the phone talking to her friends and the tiny bit of family she has left. She has always been like this, and it is now the only way for her to keep connected. The only people she regularly sees is her cousin's ex-wife and her ds. This woman takes her to appts. when she has them, otherwise the hairdresser comes to her, and all her groceries are delivered. S he lives outside of Chicago and has all kinds of services I never dreamed of having in small town NH.

 

Okay,I'm confused:confused: didn't you say you haven't talked to her in two years? If so, why are you assuming that mentally she is the same and that everything in her life is the same? And you said your dad said her condo was bare, but he's been dead for over 3 years? Maybe things have changed in her life that you are unaware of....you are talking about an 80+ year old person...

[ma23peas]

My aunt and I talked all the time. After my dad died, I started to call her daily to check in on her because he was all she had left. If I didn't call her for a few days, she would call me. That changed after I cut my sister out of my life the second time.

 

Also, we never, ever, ever in my lifetime went without talking on every single holiday. If I were busy and didn't beat her to it, she ALWAYS called me. The missed call was intentional. And she never would have let a week go by without talking to me.

 

The quilt being sent back was a stab in my heart. She knows I was deeply hurt when my mil returned hers and told me to keep it. My aunt consoled me over that. MIL is another wack job and none of her kids talk to her, none of her grandkids either, only dh and dd12. She is as bad as my sister. Lucky me.

 

You are not going to like this...I don't care how bad relationships are or people are...it takes two. You are not innocent in this...none of us are...we all try to protect our own feelings but to what expense?? If we all gave up on people who disappointed us, we all would be a lonely lot.

 

I think you hold sensitivities to the chest, I think you have a tested but hard time allowing things to roll off...your aunt was in her late 70's at the earliest when your parents died. I have noticed a mental shift in my family members reaching this age...they become vulnerable, they sometimes beget a bit of bitterness and think that no one cares about them (can you not see why? Most their nieces/nephews are busy with teens and lives..we don't have the time to make that call...it's a ripe time for people like your sister to bank on a manipulated relationship...so be it), but does that mean you forego 46 years of love? You forgot to make that call as well, do you not take any blame other than you were simply too busy that day? I think it is fairly petty to let that one phone call dismiss years of devotion and caring. If anything, as your aunt, that would bother me that my niece can so easily toss years of time together away.

 

I think it was a very nice gesture for her to send the quilt...at least she made a step to communicate. You can not read into it what she meant...she does not feel she can trust you with her feelings because you have abandoned her in her hardest years...the loneliness, fear of growing older, health concerns are enough to throw many into depression at this time....not to mention the death of your mother and your father....who she spent more time with them than you did comparatively. If you want this to go on as it has with little hope of repair..ignore the quilt. Make no response.

 

If you want to repair and move forward, write her a note and apologize for the 2 years of silence...take only the blame for your own actions, give no inkling of what she has done that has disappointed you..she's nearing the end..no need to focus on what has been done, but that you do care for her and can you help her in any way. As bad as your sister is, I'm sure if you both sat down and hashed it out, she would point out many (righteous or other) instances where she has been hurt by you...the problem comes when we care more about how relationships affect us than how we give of ourselves to others. You can love from a distance, pray for those who persecute you, and forgive.

[nevergiveup]

What do you have to lose by contacting her and telling her essentially what you have posted here? You are already hurt; but, you are also assuming an awful lot that may or may not be true.

[jallison25]

Denise, i'm sorry you are hurting. We have been there. I think it's hard for people to understand i think unless they have been there. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[OrganicAnn]

I would guess that your sister has done something that is causing the problems. I guess I would say that since your aunt is so old, you won't really have that much time or opportunity clear things up. I know it would be difficult, but if I had an aunt that meant that much to me I would want to do something. I think I would write to her and just express that you miss her and what she has meant to you over the years. I would not bring up the current issue and not ask her to reconcile with you. So that if she dies at least you know that you did your best. This may not be the right advice for you. I've just found that people are often sorry they didn't try to do something before a person died.

[tex-mex]

I know there's a lot of complicated back story that could blow my theory out of the water, buuuuut, I was thinking that at 80 years of age she may be going through the process of sorting out her possessions and making sure they get to the right people. Perhaps she wanted to make sure, if anything should happen to her, that the quilt was safely in your hands. The fact that there was no note could be explained by the possibility that she isn't able to write much and/or was at a loss for words - perhaps feeling she couldn't do it justice and knew that if she waited around until she thought of the perfect words she'd never get the quilt mailed.

That is kinda what I was thinking too. :confused:

 

I know when my elderly relatives did the same long before their death. Items that were precious or valuable. One grandmother had us all write our names on index cards and tape the cards behind or underneath the items in her house. This made the job of distributing items easier and no arguments.

[momtoamiracle]

all I can say is that I am so very sorry. It must be brutal to experience such a thing. :grouphug:

[SailorMom]

Oh my - reading the first paragraphs I though I posted two years ago and forgot!

Your sister sounds like mine, and sadly - my really close relationship with my aunt (she didn't have any kids and my sis and I were like her kids) was sabotaged.

Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then google sociopath. It may explain a lot that has gone on throughout your whole life.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[momtoamiracle]

I would guess that your sister has done something that is causing the problems. I guess I would say that since your aunt is so old, you won't really have that much time or opportunity clear things up. I know it would be difficult, but if I had an aunt that meant that much to me I would want to do something. I think I would write to her and just express that you miss her and what she has meant to you over the years. I would not bring up the current issue and not ask her to reconcile with you. So that if she dies at least you know that you did your best. This may not be the right advice for you. I've just found that people are often sorry they didn't try to do something before a person died.

 

I agree, I think i would do that, she probably won't hve a whole lot of time left. you will be eaten up with guilt if you don't make some kind of move. If she rebuffs you, at least you can say you tried.

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm sorry, Denise. I've had some pretty awful family problems the past 2 years or so, losing my mom and my dad due to their own choices. All I can do is :grouphug:.

[Miss Marple]

She's in her 80's. If it were me, I'd entertain the idea that perhaps she is becoming demented.

[Guest submarines]

She's in her 80's. If it were me, I'd entertain the idea that perhaps she is becoming demented.

 

:iagree::grouphug:

[Spryte]

:grouphug:

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I too have had quite a day, dealing with that kicked in the gut feeling due to family. It hurts. I'm sorry.

 

My brother may be your sister's true sibling. I could write volumes, but feel so battered and raw, I'll just send hugs.

[bookfiend]

I know there's a lot of complicated back story that could blow my theory out of the water, buuuuut, I was thinking that at 80 years of age she may be going through the process of sorting out her possessions and making sure they get to the right people. Perhaps she wanted to make sure, if anything should happen to her, that the quilt was safely in your hands. The fact that there was no note could be explained by the possibility that she isn't able to write much and/or was at a loss for words - perhaps feeling she couldn't do it justice and knew that if she waited around until she thought of the perfect words she'd never get the quilt mailed.

 

I was thinking something like this too. The quilt was a treasured item that she want to be certain you retain. :grouphug: and sorry for your pain.

[J-rap]

Since you were so close to your aunt, I think I'd give her one more try. I don't know how close (geographically) you are to her. Are you able to visit her for an afternoon? Things can be sorted out so much more easily in person! Who knows what is behind it. Quite possibly she was told something by your sister, or... maybe she feels that you are pulling away from her... who knows! Sometimes I can blow things out of proportion, and then once I face it, I can see how it really wasn't as big a deal as I had thought.

 

I just want to give the relationship a chance! It sounds like it was a special one. I also know that at that age, strange personality quirks can sneak in, even when everything else seems normal. My mother-in-law -- a really sharp, kind, good woman -- accused my daughters one day of stealing her old CS's! She swore she even heard them playing them on their computers! It was really bizarre. My daughters would never do that, and they wouldn't enjoy her music, anyway. :) But, there was no convincing her. Now and then I see things like this in her old age (88). I believe it's the beginnings of dementia.

 

Lastly, I've never been close to someone with mental illness, until an in-law became part of my extended family. Wow, it is...really, really hard. She seems totally normal in almost every way, and then these really strange, hateful accusations creep in, not against me personally, but against others I love and care for. Totally irrational. I'm a sensitive person, so I've learned I just have to keep a distance between us. I've never had to do that before. It's really difficult to do. But, it's the only way to keep peace (in my heart!). So, I can see why you needed to do that with your sister.

[momto2Cs]

I would write her a letter, saying how often you think of her and the times you spent together. How much you cherish what she has taught/shared with you. Include how wonderful your children are doing, how proud she would be of them. Don't be negative. Don't say anything about the sister. End of a loving note.

 

 

You obviously had a wonderful relationship, or you would not be hurting so deeply. At the end of the day, when it is just you and your dh and dc, are you happy? If so, just keep going on. Put that relationship that you treasured with your aunt into your own dc, and teach them the rewards of a loving family. It sounds like you are a very loving and caring person. Share that with someone who will appreciate it, not take advantage of it.

 

:iagree: and :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

((Denise)):grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Tranquility7]

:grouphug:

You are not going to like this...I don't care how bad relationships are or people are...it takes two. You are not innocent in this...none of us are...we all try to protect our own feelings but to what expense?? If we all gave up on people who disappointed us, we all would be a lonely lot.

 

I think you hold sensitivities to the chest, I think you have a tested but hard time allowing things to roll off...your aunt was in her late 70's at the earliest when your parents died. I have noticed a mental shift in my family members reaching this age...they become vulnerable, they sometimes beget a bit of bitterness and think that no one cares about them (can you not see why? Most their nieces/nephews are busy with teens and lives..we don't have the time to make that call...it's a ripe time for people like your sister to bank on a manipulated relationship...so be it), but does that mean you forego 46 years of love? You forgot to make that call as well, do you not take any blame other than you were simply too busy that day? I think it is fairly petty to let that one phone call dismiss years of devotion and caring. If anything, as your aunt, that would bother me that my niece can so easily toss years of time together away.

 

I think it was a very nice gesture for her to send the quilt...at least she made a step to communicate. You can not read into it what she meant...she does not feel she can trust you with her feelings because you have abandoned her in her hardest years...the loneliness, fear of growing older, health concerns are enough to throw many into depression at this time....not to mention the death of your mother and your father....who she spent more time with them than you did comparatively. If you want this to go on as it has with little hope of repair..ignore the quilt. Make no response.

 

If you want to repair and move forward, write her a note and apologize for the 2 years of silence...take only the blame for your own actions, give no inkling of what she has done that has disappointed you..she's nearing the end..no need to focus on what has been done, but that you do care for her and can you help her in any way. As bad as your sister is, I'm sure if you both sat down and hashed it out, she would point out many (righteous or other) instances where she has been hurt by you...the problem comes when we care more about how relationships affect us than how we give of ourselves to others. You can love from a distance, pray for those who persecute you, and forgive.

:iagree: I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure your heart is broken. But there is a lot of wisdom and grace in ma23peas' post. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Alicia64]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I just wanted to add that it would be impossible to know what horrible things your sister told your aunt.

 

We have a nutty sister like this. My sil. Dh's sis. And family members have turned away from us and I just assume that they've heard a bunch of ridiculous stuff. If I were as close to them as you were w/ your aunt I might approach them.

 

I hope that helps. I'm so sorry. Dealing w/ families with personality problems is extremely difficult.

 

Alley

[Parrothead]

:grouphug: My advice: Call her. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. :grouphug:

[In the Rain]

:grouphug:

 

I know there's a lot of complicated back story that could blow my theory out of the water, buuuuut, I was thinking that at 80 years of age she may be going through the process of sorting out her possessions and making sure they get to the right people. Perhaps she wanted to make sure, if anything should happen to her, that the quilt was safely in your hands. The fact that there was no note could be explained by the possibility that she isn't able to write much and/or was at a loss for words - perhaps feeling she couldn't do it justice and knew that if she waited around until she thought of the perfect words she'd never get the quilt mailed.

 

:iagree: I know you said she sorted about 10 years ago, but maybe she sorted again.

[2cents]

I'm dealing with a narcissist sibling and many of the same issues you have described. After devoting years to trying to make her happy and not 'rock the boat' I was done. Finally reached my limit and went no contact and haven't looked back. I never respond to her efforts to get a reaction. Reactions are fuel to emotional vampires. Best to remove them from your life. She is well aware of the reasons I am no contact.

 

If people like op's sis and aunt (possibly) weren't emotional vampires then it would be nice to think we can change them with our understanding and all but IMO that is not realistic. When you are dealing with chronic antisocial behavior it is a whole other situation. Sometimes the greater good involves walking away to focus on those that don't make our lives miserable and complicated. ;)

 

I question the aunts stability if she can turn on the op like this without a word. I was dealing with that too. I had to face tough realities that made me re-evaluate what I thought my relationship with that person really was if they could be influenced without talking to me.

Edited March 25, 2012 by 2cents

[happyhomemaker]

Nm

Edited March 25, 2012 by happyhomemaker

[Denisemomof4]

Okay,I'm confused:confused: didn't you say you haven't talked to her in two years? If so, why are you assuming that mentally she is the same and that everything in her life is the same? And you said your dad said her condo was bare, but he's been dead for over 3 years? Maybe things have changed in her life that you are unaware of....you are talking about an 80+ year old person...

 

because I am in regular contact with my brother who does talk to her. #1

 

#2, she is a VERY, VERY sharp person. If she started to notice decline, or if others did in her, she would get an apt. in an assisted living facility. We discussed this many times. I'm actually surprised she hasn't yet.

 

And yes, her condo is bare because like I said earlier, her first hip fracture was looooooooooong time ago. She's been getting rid of things since then. When we were talking, she had nothing in storage, one closet bare (two bedroom condo) gotten rid of all her work clothing, etc. Many of what she wanted people to have, they already do.

[Denisemomof4]

You are not going to like this...I don't care how bad relationships are or people are...it takes two. You are not innocent in this...none of us are...we all try to protect our own feelings but to what expense?? If we all gave up on people who disappointed us, we all would be a lonely lot.

 

I think you hold sensitivities to the chest, I think you have a tested but hard time allowing things to roll off...your aunt was in her late 70's at the earliest when your parents died. I have noticed a mental shift in my family members reaching this age...they become vulnerable, they sometimes beget a bit of bitterness and think that no one cares about them (can you not see why? Most their nieces/nephews are busy with teens and lives..we don't have the time to make that call...it's a ripe time for people like your sister to bank on a manipulated relationship...so be it), but does that mean you forego 46 years of love? You forgot to make that call as well, do you not take any blame other than you were simply too busy that day? I think it is fairly petty to let that one phone call dismiss years of devotion and caring. If anything, as your aunt, that would bother me that my niece can so easily toss years of time together away.

 

I think it was a very nice gesture for her to send the quilt...at least she made a step to communicate. You can not read into it what she meant...she does not feel she can trust you with her feelings because you have abandoned her in her hardest years...the loneliness, fear of growing older, health concerns are enough to throw many into depression at this time....not to mention the death of your mother and your father....who she spent more time with them than you did comparatively. If you want this to go on as it has with little hope of repair..ignore the quilt. Make no response.

 

If you want to repair and move forward, write her a note and apologize for the 2 years of silence...take only the blame for your own actions, give no inkling of what she has done that has disappointed you..she's nearing the end..no need to focus on what has been done, but that you do care for her and can you help her in any way. As bad as your sister is, I'm sure if you both sat down and hashed it out, she would point out many (righteous or other) instances where she has been hurt by you...the problem comes when we care more about how relationships affect us than how we give of ourselves to others. You can love from a distance, pray for those who persecute you, and forgive.

 

siiiiiiiiiigh. You don't understand, or maybe I didn't explain clearly, which very well could be.

 

I will say the quilt return was not a kind gesture, as I stated earlier, and the forgotten phone call? Like I said earlier, if I got too busy, she would call me. We never, ever let a holiday go by without talking. Her not calling me is what confirmed what I already knew, things had changed and I didn't know why.

 

I easily let things roll off my chest most of the time. This time was too hurtful. And this time I can say, confidently, I did nothing wrong.

 

But you're entitled to your opinion from what you've read.

[Denisemomof4]

What do you have to lose by contacting her and telling her essentially what you have posted here? You are already hurt; but, you are also assuming an awful lot that may or may not be true.

 

like I said earlier, I realized our relationship wasn't what I thought it was.

[Denisemomof4]

I would guess that your sister has done something that is causing the problems. I guess I would say that since your aunt is so old, you won't really have that much time or opportunity clear things up. I know it would be difficult, but if I had an aunt that meant that much to me I would want to do something. I think I would write to her and just express that you miss her and what she has meant to you over the years. I would not bring up the current issue and not ask her to reconcile with you. So that if she dies at least you know that you did your best. This may not be the right advice for you. I've just found that people are often sorry they didn't try to do something before a person died.

 

I know my sister caused this. The thing that bothers me is my aunt knows the entire story about my sister. That is why this is all so hurtful. I know my sister can make some really wild accusations. I don't understand why my aunt did what my parents always did. When I was younger my aunt used to get mad at me for not standing up to my sister. She knows how difficult she is. Yet, it amazes me still how much my parents and dad's side of the family, and mom's sister, obviously favored her. It was always so hurtful. And it is just continuing on.

 

I also think the bottom line is greed.

 

Still, wing how much I have done for my family, and still do, and knowing how much I wanted to care for my aunt, and she knew it, and then to have my sister ruin a relationship like this......... My aunt had changed for a period of time before we lost touch. It was different. Things had changed.

 

I have no regrets and won't later, either. I know what I did for her and everyone else. I also know what I got in return. What happened here I did not deserve.