Update on my friend situation

[melissad2]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

WOW! This person is NOT a friend and never was. Let the relationship go, cut off all contact and cut your losses. I would probably send the CD to "nut job" and call it a day. Find yourself some new friends...no one deserves to be talked to that way. If she wanted you to do the pics for free then that is what she should have asked for. She is the one who wasn't up front and she is the manipulator here. She is having a hissy fit because she thought you would do the work for free and now she is trying to get her way.

[Cammie]

:grouphug: A friend doesn't talk like this to another friend. I am sorry, you were mislead, she was never a friend. Please let her go out of your life and find a true friend who will be their for you when you are down and not throw it in your face later.

[mom2samlibby]

Yes....the CD would be for "Molly". "Friend" actually only wanted the CD to give to Nut Job. She didn't want it for herself.

 

If you give that cd to her, your "friend" wins. She will have succeeded into getting the cd from you for nothing. It's emotional blackmail.

 

If you want to do something for the daughter, print one photo and send it to her. No more. . . You have done nothing wrong in this situation and have been treated very badly.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

The mom (the one with cancer) LOVED the photos. Cried even.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I so wholeheartedly agree with everyone who is saying NOT to give that cd to the 'friend'! She will most definitely see that as confirmation that you think she is justified in everything she said to you. Find a way to give one or two prints to Molly.

 

As for the other circle of friends that you have breakfast with...if they call to find out your side of things (because I believe 'friend' will paint you in a very poor light to them) I would tell them that you had a falling out over the fact that she apparently has a very low opinion of you and be done with it. If they are true friends they will try to continue their friendship with you.

 

Again...I'm so sorry!:grouphug:

[Susan C.]

Is it too early to laugh, because dd18 (photography girl) says to let them go at 72 dpi.....

 

Probably not really, but we chuckled. Dh is a graphic designer, lost day job and is working full time at home, and has gotten stiffed a good many times, a few times by so called friends that took advantage of their acquaintance to get free or way lower than cost work. One of dh's friends says its "the nature of the beast." Welcome to the art for pay world, may God help us all!

[Hockey Mom]

The mom (the one with cancer) LOVED the photos. Cried even.

 

Send it to her then. Add up ALL of the costs involved, and write it off at the end of the year.

 

I'm sorry your "friend" dumped on you like that. Like others have said, it sounds like she was projecting onto you. :grouphug:

[Pink Fairy]

I broke up with my bff a few months ago. :( She and her family hurt me deeply and I simply can't get past it. I cried for weeks and weeks, and I still do whenever I think about it. I'm crying right now, actually.

 

So I get you. :grouphug: If it's possible I'd recommend a clean break. I let myself be guilted into more contact, but everything is tainted by what happened and a painful reminder of how things used to be and never can be again.

[kwickimom]

WOW.

 

I've had something similar happen to me. And now a year later...I am SO glad I dumped the mean, crazy "friend." It will take time but you will get over her.

 

Once I let the friend go....God gave me new and better ones. Many of them. It was a gift.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but all of what she said is because of things wrong in her life not yours and you will go on to find better friends.

 

:grouphug:

 

I would do all I can to get that CD directly to the others without letting her touch it. I hope you can find a way.

[Hen]

I am so sorry, what she did to you was horrible. I am pretty close to my only sister- but only now, as adults and mothers, as kids, not close...and as a sister, I would never say those kinds of things, ever. even if I thought some of it was true, about not keeping the house clean, etc- people go through stages, people have hard things to deal with, I would never critique someone that harshly...she was cruel to you. - as a sister, what she said would have been out of line, as a mere friend- she was so far out of line, as in not deserving to ever come back.

 

I agree with someone earlier that said she was the unhappy person- I think she is reflecting that emotion onto you.

 

I would not give her the cd - because 1) you are a professional and worth your time and 2) you reward a bully for bully behavior.

 

I know you feel bad how it all went down and about the fact that NJ has cancer, you might consider giving her 10 of the best pics on cd for her to do what she wants, but I wouldn't give her a whole cd of all the shots for free.

 

I am so sorry, she behaved like a crappy person and crapped on you. I am praying you go on to find a better friend.

:grouphug:

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug: I'm very sorry. This woman is not a friend.

 

Don't give her the CD until you've been payed. She's bullying you. Don't let her have her way.

 

Handle the rest of this as the business transaction it is and move on with your life.

1. Send her an invoice for the balance she owes you for the digital files and state that the CD will be mailed up on receipt of funds.

2. Clearly state on that invoice that if she doesn't pay within 30 days that you'll do your choice of the following: (a) remove them from your hard drive permanently or (b) archive them. If she requests them after the 30 days are up, the cost to retrieve them from archive will be $xxx.00 in addition to the balance owed.

 

I would try to get in touch with the daughter (you can probably find her via Facebook and send her a PM even though you aren't friends). I would strongly consider sending her a nice album of prints instead of a CD though.

Edited March 1, 2012 by LemonPie

[In the Rain]

She is clearly no friend to you. :glare: I'm sorry. :grouphug: I can't imagine how painful it would be to hear someone dump on you like that. She must be a very unhappy person. A mentally well person wouldn't unload like that, especially on someone she viewed as unhappy. :001_huh:

 

If nothing else, take comfort in the fact that she probably really regrets the conversation. How could she not? You actually hold the power here, as one who has done nothing wrong. Once you have given Molly the CD or some prints, the former friend can't even accuse you of any perceived wrong-doing.

 

If your dh is on speaking terms with her dh, he could ask for Molly or NutJob's address. If not, you could send the "friend" an email asking her to send the address to your dh's email.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[SueinNC]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

This is what I think I would do.

 

I would send her a letter in the mail, along with the CD.

 

The letter would say something like,

 

Dear Friend:

 

I am sending you this CD because part of me has been feeling all along like it would be the nice thing to do as a friend, because I know you have done a lot for me in the past, and because if your stepdaughter's mother passes away, it would be nice for her to have these memories of her mother.

 

I have tried to make the right decisions from a business standpoint and to keep business and friendships separate. In my line of business, most of my income initially comes from friends and family, and then word of mouth, and if I don't make money there, where would I make it? As you know, my family has also been having financial difficulties, and my equipment is very expensive, and so I told myself a long time ago I would not offer discounts, etc. even to friends in order to support my family and meet my expenses. In this case, I DID make an exception because I valued our friendship and because of the circumstances. Perhaps I should have offered more of a discount, or offered my time for free this one time. Perhaps you should have approached me initially and outright asked if I would donate my time. But what's done is done and I can't take it back. I'm sorry you were hurt by that.

 

I hope that by sending you this CD you feel that I've made some amends.

 

But the truth is, I am hurt, too. I'm hurt by a lot of the things you said to me during our conversation. I'm hurt that someone I thought was a dear friend brought up so many things that I had no idea were going through her mind, judging my parenting, my appearance, my home, my organizational skills, my personality. It hurts to think that any friendship we resume in the future will always feel like its under constant scrutinization, that I will always have to wonder if you are judging everything I say and do, when I always thought you were a safe person to talk to and be myself around.

 

I'm sorry it has come to this and I wish you would have just been honest with me up front over what your wishes and expectations were when you asked me to do this photo shoot, but I hope this makes up for my part in any wrongdoing you saw.

 

----

 

 

 

A little bit of amends, a little bit of food for thought for her part in this, maybe she'll think through her part in things, maybe she'll apologize, maybe you guys will be able to work things out, I don't know. And I say this only because you've called her a "very dear friend" who has done a lot for you etc. It sounds like you're both hurt right now. I'm so sorry that it came to this. :(

 

Love this approach. The letter is very well written. It's taking the high road and shows the newly labeled nut job what a piece of cake she really is.

I could never trust or be friends with such a NJ ever again. I definitely would wash my hands of her.

 

Kristin, I am so sorry you had to waste these last few hours of your life on the pain this woman has caused you. Don't for one moment believe any of the cr*p she dumped on you. You are not the person she made you out to be. She just twisted and manipulated what you shared with her to hurt you. She isn't the person you thought she was.

[woolybear]

I haven't read all the responses, but Iagree she doesn't sound like a friend. I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

[trailofsparks]

I am so, so sorry that this woman is treating you this way :grouphug: . It doesn't sound like she has ever been the friend you thought she was. I don't know what you should do about the business part of it but I would let this person go. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: It seems she was never the person you thought she was. Safe? Caring? No, just judgmental, deceptive, arrogant.

 

We should be able to vent and not be "happy" all the time around real friends. Real friends are a safe place where we can be authentic and free. It seems she couldn't handle this. She's got problems that she doesn't see...and wants to put this whole thing off on you, IMO.

 

Don't beat yourself up. It wasn't wrong for you to trust her. It wasn't wrong for you to charge her for your work. It was presumptuous of her to think otherwise - and on top of it she didn't even communicate directly (forthrightly) with you!

 

Take your authenticity and your friendship and offer it again to someone worthy. All the best. Sorry you are hurting :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I only read your first post.

 

 

SERIOUSLY??!!! Oh my gosh you deserve better friends than her. NO friends are better than CRAPPY friends.

 

She may have been upset qith you, feeling like she does so much for you and you should be more generous towards her. Her approach was her first mistake.

 

Then to go on and criticize and insult you, parts of your personality, your housekeeping skills, your time management skills, your appearance? I am so shocked she even felt she had a right to share about A N Y of it.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Is she really a good friend to you? Please think long and hard. Only you know the answer to this.

 

She sounds like a real b*tch.

[myfunnybunch]

My jaw is dropping. This is not how a healthy friend speaks to another friend, PERIOD.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know this doesn't make the hurt go away, but this is clearly her problem. Not that you're perfect--none of us are--but that she unloaded on you in such a harsh, judgemental, unkind way.

 

People who speak to others like this are often bitterly unhappy themselves. Please don't let her pass that on to you, not for a second.

 

:grouphug:

 

I am so so sorry this happened to you.

 

Cat

[Denisemomof4]

NanceXtoo's letter is excellent.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[KatA]

Ugh. I'm sorry. I agree with what someone posted earlier, can you just send it to the other mom? I think she's being unreasonable, but no matter what the other mom has done, she should have those memories with her daughter.

[*Inna*]

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

 

 

:iagree: a hundred times. It sounds like she's projecting some of her stuff onto you.

[In the Rain]

I missed NancexToo's letter before posting. It is excellent. If you want to restore some level of friendship with her, this would be a great way to go. It may enable you to be able to continue your weekly breakfast, if that is important to you.

[StephanieZ]

I haven't read all the follow up posts, so forgive me if I am missing some info . . .

 

But, I have to say I am so sorry you are going through this!

 

1) It sounds to me like your "friend" is not a friend at all, and has terribly misused you. I would drop her like a hot potato. I'd be civil and cool if I had to be around her, but never trust her again.

 

2) I think giving the CD to the dying mom and/or her daughter is a great idea. If you can get (mr. google) an address for the dying mom and/or the daughter, I'd just burn copies of the CD and send copies (and maybe one print if that's easy for you) to each of them. Just send it in a pretty envelope/wrapper with your card and a note wishing them well. I wouldn't indicate that it was a gift from you, nor mention anything about your "friend". If your "friend" wants to take credit for the gift, or attribute it to you, or whatever, that is on her -- forget it. Meanwhile, you have done a good thing that costs you almost nothing. (As your time is already gone. At this point it is $5 in postage and blank CDRs.) Just do it. It's the kind thing to do. Karma will bring it back to you 10 fold.

 

3) Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Don't let that witch of a "friend" hurt you more than she has. I have had exactly one similar instance of a "friend" stomping on me when I was down. I dropped her like a hot potato and never looked back. I still can't see any warning signs in retrospect; I think it was just bad luck. Some people are jerks, and you don't always notice it soon enough to avoid pain. Move on; find new friends; nurture yourself; and forget her.

 

4) That witch not only was cruel to you personally, she also took advantage of you professionally in a very callous way. We have a family business (vet hospital), and we've learned that true friends will never take advantage of us (unless you are simply giving away the store routinely, in which case few people will say NO to a free lunch). False friends are more than happy to take advantage. I can't tell you exactly how to handle it in your business model, but in my experience, I've decided to only discount services to IMMEDIATE family (parents, siblings) -- and those we do for 100% free and eat our own costs. It makes us happy to be able to do that for beloved close family, and we consider it a small price to pay for family. (Now, if I had a close family member with 10 dogs, or whatever, I wouldn't do this! But, we have small families with reasonable numbers of pets!) For very dear friends (count on one hand), we will do occasional emergency services for free or hand off free OTC drugs for free if we have them handy AT HOME, but if they come into the hospital/office during normal business hours, everything is still "on the books" and charged out normally. This keeps things very simple, because, we very, very rarely do anything at any discount, so noone asks, and noone expects anything. When we do give something away for nothing, it is accepted as a generous gift and makes us all feel nice. If we did otherwise, it would get very complicated very fast, and we have soooo many acquaintances . . . and, y'know, the folks you love the LEAST are the ones who will try to USE YOU for the MOST . . . So, I find chances to do free stuff for folks I love when we can easily do so, but for everything else, it's very simple -- if you are seeing us AT WORK, then you PAY work. You know, if a dear friend was in a situation where they couldn't afford something that I could provide, then we'd go ahead and provide it at no cost, but, in our case, none of our local friends are in that financial situation. If someone is ACTUALLY your dear friend, they aren't going to hold it against you that you are earning a living at work. If they do, then they are a USER.

[Stacy in NJ]

Speaking of which....how do I handle these other friends (who I wasn't overly close with, but will surely ask where I'm at next week at breakfast)? One of them is particularly close with "friend" and probably already knows everything. The others are likely clueless and will ask where I am next week when I don't show up.

 

and simply explain the situation. You've had a falling out with *friend* and won't be able to come to the breakfast because it will feel too awkward. This is you an opportunity to explain a bit of your side without going into too much detail. While you might not be close with these women, you should offer an explanation and give them an opportunity to let your acquaintanceship exist on a friendly plain. Basically, if you run into one of them at the grocery store, you don't want to feel weird or uncomfortable. If you live in a small or smallish town it's important to keep friendly relationships with as many folks as you can.

[Happy]

I'm outraged for you.

 

I've been on the receiving end of one of these conversations. From my younger brother and only sibling just a few months after our mom died. I have called it like being stabbed in the back, my left arm cleaved off, and left bleeding to death in the dirt. After 17 years, our relationship has never recovered.

 

yes, it was far, far, far worse than I can ever relay to you.

 

AND I was a professional photographer for nearly 25 years of my adult life.

 

No way in H**L would that CD ever leave my possession. Right at the moment, I don't think doubling the invoice would even satisfy me.

 

Deep breath...

 

Friends used to laughingly joke about getting the 'family' discount because I was a danged expensive photographer. I would always wink, smile, and ask them if they were sure...because I charge family Double. lol

 

In fact, I finally wrote out a policy of discount. Friends (of my choosing) get 10%-20% off, Family gets costs, plus 10%. Church friends and acquaintances--I'd give 10% of the final total to the church in that person's name. Lots of people liked that.

 

YOU are an artist, a creative soul, running a business. If you and the other woman had a friend who owned a coffee shop would you day in and day out beg for the coffee to be free? Maybe from time to time, but not all the time. And you would hope it would come from the shop owner as a gift, not from your own manipulation.

 

You are a business owner. Hold your head high and get respect.

 

YOu know what might be a weird kind of fun? Show up at the group breakfast. Dab some rum behind your ears for courage and tell them all why you won't be coming back.

 

Stick that CD in a safe place. A few years from now you may find a way to get it to the daughter.

 

:grouphug:

[Peaceful Isle]

Hurting people will hurt people. Sounds like she is the unhappy one. I'm so sorry that you went through this. I have been in situations that I was the only one crying as well, and it really hurt.

I'm so sorry. I am going to pray the Lord sends some good, TRUE, friends your way. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[DusksAngel]

I really feel that she's trying to manipulate you into giving her your work for free. I agree with the others that said if you give it to her, she'll probably show up in a few days/weeks with some apology about how she was just going through a rough time and accidentally took it out on you. The problem is, she agreed to the price BEFORE you did the work. I doubt any of what she said was really true, she's just playing on your insecurities.

 

And if SDD and her mother want the pictures, I bet they'll find a way to find/contact YOU. In your case, I'd hang onto the CD and see what happens. I certainly wouldn't be doing any business with the step-mom.

[mommaduck]

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

:iagree: This relationship sounds unhealthy. She's judging you by her standards, her personality, her strengths, her weaknesses, her choices, and her expectations. Some of it is downright superficial and not very understanding.

[kwg]

I'm outraged for you.

.......

 

YOu know what might be a weird kind of fun? Show up at the group breakfast. Dab some rum behind your ears for courage and tell them all why you won't be coming back.

 

Stick that CD in a safe place. A few years from now you may find a way to get it to the daughter.

 

:grouphug:

 

.....

 

And if SDD and her mother want the pictures, I bet they'll find a way to find/contact YOU. In your case, I'd hang onto the CD and see what happens. I certainly wouldn't be doing any business with the step-mom.

 

At all. ever. Make her sit in this for a while...she is expecting you to just give it to her I bet.

 

I would not destroy the pictures or CD; hang onto it for a while anyway. I bet you will be able to contact someone.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: what a complete !@#$. She really had no right or cause :glare: people!:glare:

[readinmom]

The things we despise or find fault with in others are usually the things that we despise in ourselves. You were an open target, in my opinion, and maybe those things may have made her feel better, but left you with some very raw wounds.

 

Move on...real friends love and respect us for what we are. You are obviously a very caring person.

[awisha.]

What a b*tch. Like everyone has said already, SHE is the one with a problem, definitely NOT you. Do not give her the CD or any photos. Try your hardest to find contact details for Molly and/or NJ and send a few of the best photos.

 

I just can't get over the fact that while you were CRYING from what she was saying, she still thought it appropiate to further belittle you. What a cruel, manipulative heartless b*tch and I agree with a previous poster, pity her poor husband!!

[Stayseeliz]

Run run run and find new friends! I really tried with one girl in our homeschool group but she just beats me down far too often. I'm done with her. She was not a safe place to vent so I stopped telling her anything. There are awesome people who live near you who want to be your friend. They are there! Hang in there!!

[Catwoman]

I know a few people have made suggestions on how you could handle the situation in such a way as to possibly salvage the friendship, but my question is this -- why would anyone want to save a friendship with such a horrible woman? :confused:

 

My feeling is that if you can get the CD or a few photos to the woman or the daughter without contacting Evil Former Friend, that would be fine, but I would never, ever, ever send the CD to someone who was so incredibly mean and heartless.

 

Please realize that she was trying to get you to work for free. She initially agreed to pay for your work because she figured she'd be able to take advantage of your good nature and weasel out of paying when the photos were ready. When it didn't work out the way she'd planned, she couldn't stand it that she wasn't winning and that you weren't doing whatever she told you to do, so she went off on you.

 

I'll bet, if you think back over the duration of the friendship, that she was in control most of the time. Did she usually decide where you went and when you went out together? Was she usually the one giving the "helpful advice" while you sat there and listened? I say this because she sounds like a control freak who finally didn't get her way and couldn't deal with it.

 

I like a previous poster's idea to send her an invoice for the full agreed-upon amount, with a note stating that you will mail her the CD upon receipt of her payment in full. Make it extremely impersonal and businesslike. It will hammer home the fact that you're not going to be taken advantage of, as well as let her know she is now nothing more to you than a non-paying customer.

 

If you send her the CD for free, no matter what your intentions, she will feel that she has won and you are a complete gullible loser.

 

I'm so sorry you're so sad and upset. :grouphug:

[Alphabetika]

Oh my goodness. I am so, so sorry. After I read your original thread, I thought, This woman sounds manipulative and ungrateful. Now I know she's more than that; she's downright cruel. For her to subject you to such a judgmental diatribe was completely inappropriate and just wrong on so many levels. It had nothing to do with the business transaction at hand and was even more deeply manipulative than the original interaction.

 

Please get yourself away from her. She is NOT your friend. Not in any way.

 

I may just be echoing what others have said (I haven't read any responses yet because I'm so gobsmacked by your post that I wanted to reply right away) but even so, add my voice to any others who say that your life will be more peaceful, your heart more comforted, your mind more settled, without this woman who is not a friend.

[Guest Katia]

First off, I have to say that I have not read all 14 pages of this post. I just read your original post.

 

May I ask....are you a native Iowan? Have you lived in Iowa long?

 

Because, in my experience, this is exactly how women in Iowa act. Homeschooling women. Truly, this is an Iowan thing. I don't know why...because I'm not a native Iowan and I don't want to be. They are nasty, nasty women to other women who are not of the generational Iowan linage. I've seen it over and over; I've seen families move far away because of it, sadly. And, the smaller the town; the worse the women.

 

And, they are not this way to each other. If you are from Iowa, have family in Iowa, especially family that goes waaayyyy back, you are good. Otherwise, you are always considered an alien.

 

Oh, they are very surface-friendly, but that is as far as it goes, and it usually ends badly...just like it did for you. Are you stuck in Iowa? I'm so sorry for you. BTDT, GTTS.

 

Don't talk to her again for any reason. Ever. Keep the CD and move on. And remember this is typical Iowa behavior.

 

Sorry if I offended any native Iowans on this board. Chances are, you don't even realize that this is what the collective 'you' does to newbies in the state. However, those of us that move in are certainly well aware of it.

 

ETA: Please note that I did not say 'every woman' in Iowa acts like this. My experience has been with homeschooling woman that live in small and smaller towns. The gals in the larger towns and cities, in my experience, have been great. Also note that the OP knows exactly what I'm talking about, having experienced it for herself. I'm not an unhappy person. If you don't live here, then you can't possibly understand. I should have just PM'd this to the OP. Sorry.

Edited March 5, 2012 by Katia

[Alphabetika]

:iagree::iagree: I also think she's still trying to take advantage of you emotionally and financially. If you give her the CD I feel sure that in a week or two you'd find that "everything" would suddenly be fine (on her end, mind you; not yours) and she might even offer a half-hearted "apology" because she was "stressed" and surely you understand and how about I treat you to coffee. All because you "agreed" with her about giving away your talent and time for free. :glare:

 

Don't give her the CD or anything else. Either she pays or she doesn't get the photos/CD. You are worth a lot more.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:Manipulators continue to manipulate. This is absolutely true - shell try to suck you in again. DON'T DO IT!!! :grouphug::grouphug:

[5kidsforME]

First off, I have to say that I have not read all 14 pages of this post. I just read your original post.

 

May I ask....are you a native Iowan? Have you lived in Iowa long?

 

Because, in my experience, this is exactly how women in Iowa act. Homeschooling women. Truly, this is an Iowan thing. I don't know why...because I'm not a native Iowan and I don't want to be. They are nasty, nasty women to other women who are not of the generational Iowan linage. I've seen it over and over; I've seen families move far away because of it, sadly. And, the smaller the town; the worse the women.

 

And, they are not this way to each other. If you are from Iowa, have family in Iowa, especially family that goes waaayyyy back, you are good. Otherwise, you are always considered an alien.

 

Oh, they are very surface-friendly, but that is as far as it goes, and it usually ends badly...just like it did for you. Are you stuck in Iowa? I'm so sorry for you. BTDT, GTTS.

 

Don't talk to her again for any reason. Ever. Keep the CD and move on. And remember this is typical Iowa behavior.

 

Sorry if I offended any native Iowans on this board. Chances are, you don't even realize that this is what the collective 'you' does to newbies in the state. However, those of us that move in are certainly well aware of it.

 

 

:001_huh:

 

 

 

Wow. EVERY woman in Iowa is like this? :confused:

 

 

 

:leaving:

[Brindee]

I haven't read all 14 pages either, but wanted to tell you how sorry I am this happened to you! This is so very wrong!

 

I would NOT give her the CD! If she's so angry about all these things she may break it and regret it later. I'd just hold on to it and give it to the daughter later. Or print a pic or two to give directly to the daughter and her mom.

 

I would try to forgive, with God's help, this woman, but I don't think I could ever be good friends with her again! She may be hoping to see you miserable about all this, so I'd try to put on a happy face, at least when you're around her! I'll pray you find REAL friends soon!

 

Please don't let her comments dictate who you are! You are who you are and she didn't bother getting to really know you!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sorry if I offended any native Iowans on this board. Chances are, you don't even realize that this is what the collective 'you' does to newbies in the state. However, those of us that move in are certainly well aware of it.

 

What an unkind gross generalization.

[Guest]

I'm sorry, but I think this whole thing is gross. That woman is completely flipping the situation on you to get what she wants (free photos). I would contact NutJob directly and maybe give the CD to her at free or low cost due to the circumstances and I would never talk to that other woman ever again. It sounds like she figured you would do it for free, and got upset when you didn't. Now she is going to guilt you into it. Don't do her any favors. Don't discuss it (or anything else for that matter) with her ever again. Speak directly to Nutjob (who I'm now wondering if she even deserved this title to begin with). Sounds like your "friend" is the real NutJob.

 

The whole insulting your home and appearance was to make her feel better about herself so she could feel justified in taking advantage of you. Anyway, just get the CD to the mother (without your "friend's" assistance) and be done with this whole thing.

[meggie]

I am so sorry, OP. I am completely flabbergasted that someone would say that to ANYONE they know. I wouldn't say such b*tchy things to someone I hated, much less someone I called a friend.

 

I can't imagine staying friends with someone who thought humiliating me in such a shameful way was ok. Please know that you did not deserve such a talking down to. She is not your mother. You are not her underage child. You are a grown woman who can wear your hair however you please and smile whenever you want. That she stooped to such a level is absolutely disgusting.

[*Inna*]

First off, I have to say that I have not read all 14 pages of this post. I just read your original post.

 

May I ask....are you a native Iowan? Have you lived in Iowa long?

 

Because, in my experience, this is exactly how women in Iowa act. Homeschooling women. Truly, this is an Iowan thing. I don't know why...because I'm not a native Iowan and I don't want to be. They are nasty, nasty women to other women who are not of the generational Iowan linage. I've seen it over and over; I've seen families move far away because of it, sadly. And, the smaller the town; the worse the women.

 

And, they are not this way to each other. If you are from Iowa, have family in Iowa, especially family that goes waaayyyy back, you are good. Otherwise, you are always considered an alien.

 

Oh, they are very surface-friendly, but that is as far as it goes, and it usually ends badly...just like it did for you. Are you stuck in Iowa? I'm so sorry for you. BTDT, GTTS.

 

Don't talk to her again for any reason. Ever. Keep the CD and move on. And remember this is typical Iowa behavior.

 

Sorry if I offended any native Iowans on this board. Chances are, you don't even realize that this is what the collective 'you' does to newbies in the state. However, those of us that move in are certainly well aware of it.

OK, this is weird. :001_huh:

[Guest]

After reading the first post and then this, my first thought is....this isn't about you or the pictures at ALL.

 

This is about money.

 

She got carried away, set something up, and now doesn't want to spend the $. And she's feeling really bad because she wasted your time and isn't going to pay you the money she knows she should pay you. So she's gone on the attack to make it your fault.

 

Walk away. Either at some point she comes to her senses and apologizes in a heartfelt way and you move on....or she doesn't and she wasn't your true friend, anyway.

 

Some people don't know how to be wrong or make a mistake - they can only blame other people. I would do my best to put this all aside, and I wouldn't give her the CD. She can take her camera and snap a few pics if she needs to, you know?

 

 

I wholeheartedly agree with the part in bold. Also, you could tell her since she didn't really like the photos, she should find someone else to retake them. Without telling her, I would still try to get them to the mother.

[5kidsforME]

OK, this is weird. :001_huh:

 

Really? You think it's weird that someone said that ALL the woman in Iowa are nasty and mean to all the newbies?? :lol:

 

I'm sorry but does anyone else think that's stinkin hilarious????

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Guest submarines]

She certainly doesn't sound like a good friend. I don't mean that friends can't pour it all out, especially in a time of stress, but *what* she poured out makes it look like this wasn't an equal, honest relationship.

 

:leaving:

 

However, I don't think I would've been able to charge her for the photographs in her situation. It seems that the fact that the dying woman was awful, was somehow a factor in your decision to charge them for the photos, otherwise you would not have mentioned this. But it shouldn't have been. What if it was a lovely, loved by everyone woman? Would you have felt the same? It shouldn't have matter, because you were essentially dealing with your friend and her daughter (who, at that time, still didn't reveal all this lovely information about your friendship).

 

Not only that, but charging either of them was not a good business decision. Volunteering time and services to the dying is a great business step for any photographer. If I had a choice between two equally talented photographers, and one of them donated her services to the parents of still birth babies, for example, it is clear who I would've chosen.

 

In addition, you mentioned that it wasn't your best work, and that the session didn't go very well, as you were stressed out. Personally, I wouldn't be able to charge a client if I knew my work wasn't my best. At that point, even if I intended to charge the client, I would have waived the fee.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have felt right on the inside, to charge a dying person, especially in your situation. I would've either refused, or donated my services. Business is business, but this simply wouldn't feel right. Because of this, I would've been taken aback if a good friend didn't donate her services if the situation were reversed.

 

I also think that in highly emotionally charged situations, when death and friendship are involved, it is not when we are to choose business over friendship. Exactly because this would never go well. However, in your case, maybe it did go well--you know now that this person's friendship wasn't genuine.

 

In any case, I'm really sorry you ended up losing the friendship. The whole situation was very awkward for both of you. But the problem is not that she was upset, but that she didn't value your friendship.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Catwoman]

First off, I have to say that I have not read all 14 pages of this post. I just read your original post.

 

May I ask....are you a native Iowan? Have you lived in Iowa long?

 

Because, in my experience, this is exactly how women in Iowa act. Homeschooling women. Truly, this is an Iowan thing. I don't know why...because I'm not a native Iowan and I don't want to be. They are nasty, nasty women to other women who are not of the generational Iowan linage. I've seen it over and over; I've seen families move far away because of it, sadly. And, the smaller the town; the worse the women.

 

And, they are not this way to each other. If you are from Iowa, have family in Iowa, especially family that goes waaayyyy back, you are good. Otherwise, you are always considered an alien.

 

Oh, they are very surface-friendly, but that is as far as it goes, and it usually ends badly...just like it did for you. Are you stuck in Iowa? I'm so sorry for you. BTDT, GTTS.

 

Don't talk to her again for any reason. Ever. Keep the CD and move on. And remember this is typical Iowa behavior.

 

Sorry if I offended any native Iowans on this board. Chances are, you don't even realize that this is what the collective 'you' does to newbies in the state. However, those of us that move in are certainly well aware of it.

 

Wow. :001_huh:

 

It sounds like you must have had some horrible experiences with the women you've met in Iowa. If you're still living there, I hope you meet some new people soon, because it sounds like you're very unhappy. I have never been to Iowa, but I'm sure there are lots of nice people there, and I'm sorry you haven't met them.

 

I know that one of my SIL's nieces moved to Iowa, and she loved it, and raved about how quickly she made new friends in a small farming town, so I truly hope your experiences are the exception rather than the rule. All I can think is that you moved into a very cliquish/clannish area, and that can happen anywhere.

 

I must say, though, that if I was from Iowa, I would have been very offended by your post, even if I understood that you were just venting about your personal experiences with the people you've met there.

[Ibbygirl]

I'm so so sorry. That sucks what she said to you. :( :grouphug: :grouphug:

[LG Gone Wild]

:grouphug: In my experience, bitter people tell me I'm bitter, unhappy people tell me I'm unhappy, and thieving roommates accuse me first.

 

Personally, I'd get the money and run.

 

Amen!

[*Lulu*]

Oh, honey! :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Losing a friend hurts so much. ...losing one who turns out not to be the person you thought she was is so much worse. You lose the friend, and the history of your friendship... the memories themselves are tainted.

 

My advice:

 

1) Make no decisions now. Set aside the CD (a padded envelope in a box on a high shelf in a closet, perhaps), and postpone that decision. There is no urgency, no reason it couldn't be dealt with next week or next month instead of this, right? Don't email her, or call her; set her aside as well.

 

2) Allow yourself to grieve. The loss of a really close friendship is a mini-death - don't discount the intensity of your emotions.

 

3) When you are through the worst of the grief, and can think a little more clearly, write a letter to her, talk through all your feelings, analyze the relationship (if that is your style), let it all out - the grief, the anger, the self-doubt, the love you had for her. ...and then burn it, or tear it up, or put it in a sealed envelope packed well away. 'Cause it wasn't really for *her*, it was for the person you thought she was. ...but you have to let go of her, she was an illusion. ...a beautiful one, but ephemeral.

 

4) Then revisit the issue of the photos/CDs. Don't worry about 'letting her win', her character development isn't your problem... G-d will handle that! Figure out what you need to do to feel right with yourself. ...what is your goal? If any of it turns out to be about making a point to *her* then set it all aside for a while longer. It isn't about her.

 

If you decide you want Molly and/or her bio-Mom to have some or all of these photos, then you have logistical options, as others have pointed out. If you do decide to send them to her, and let her deal with passing them on, you do not need to include a note, or any kind of explanation... you could include a card for Molly or her bio-Mom, but you don't have to engage with this lady.

 

...but, please, consider setting it aside for a little while, until you can think clearly. I know I cannot make rational decisions when I am grieving...

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am so sorry you are going through this... you deserve a friend who values how wonderful you are, and loves you for yourself, imperfections and all!

 

:iagree: This. Absolutely this. :grouphug:

[MomatHWTK]

I'd send the note with a CD asking her to never contact you again. Unless... you suspect that she's have some kind of serious mental breakdown.

[amydavis]

I just wanted to send you hugs. :grouphug:

I'm not going to go into details, but I've been on the receiving end of a conversation that was very similar. The circumstances were different, but the judging was just the same. I can understand just how you feel - I know that I was hurt and angry, all at the same time. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, and I was honestly flabbergasted, because (just like you), the accusations didn't even make sense. I haven't been hurt so badly in a long time. It's really difficult to experience anger and sadness, all directed at the same person, at one time.

 

It was really hard, but I realized that I was not the one with a problem. It just hurts so much when you realize that someone you trusted, and let your guard down with, was basically taking notes and holding every single thing against you - and judging your life and choices to a higher standard than they hold themselves, as if they held any authority to do so! I will agree with another poster that said, typically those doing the accusing, are guilty of those allegations themselves. And anyone that is so busy psycho-analyzing your every move, and making such extreme judgement calls, without an ounce of grace involved - well, let's just say that they have some extreme problems. Feel sorry for them, and move on. Once again, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.