Mommy22alyns Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective. :iagree: Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yes, I was married at 18 also. But my dd does still live at home. She does not have to ask permission to go somewhere, but we still discuss when and where she is going. She cannot just come and go as she pleases without me being aware of where and when she will be home. I did not tell her she could not go. Also, the other young lady is also my ds's girlfriend (he works 3 hours away),he really did not want them to go without someone else being with them. My dd is not at all familiar with the area, to the extent she didn't even know what highway she needed to take. The 18 yo lives in Montana, so has no idea where they would be going. She would have her GPS, but that would not take her the safest route. Yes, I know I was overprotective. We had a very serious incident this past summer with my other ds. He lives in Cincinnati and someone posted on his facebook page that they were both in a serious car accident and my ds was in the hospital. After a few hours of trying to track down information from other friends of his, we realized that something was seriously wrong and not adding up. Even his very close friends knew nothing. My dd and I did receive texts from supposedly the friend who was with him in the accident and saying my ds was fine and would call us later. Finally, one of his friends drove to his apartment and saw my ds's car. He knocked and when he got no answer called the police. They tracked my ds's cell phone that the text were coming from to inside his apartment. We were on the phone with the police when they broke into the apartment and were told he was in there but they were not sure he was alive. It took 15 minutes to find out he was alive. He had gone home to his apartment, went into his bedroom, heard a noise in the bathroom, saw a hand, and was knocked out. From the timetable the police put together, whoever did this stayed in his apartment posting on his facebook page and texting us for at least 2-3 hours. My ds was knocked out for 4 hours. It took the police 5 tries before they could revive him. The found a knife next to my son's body. So yes, I know I can be overprotective, but those were the longest few hours of my life. Especially the 15 minutes we did not know whether he was dead or alive. The police detective told me a few days later that in her 20 years of being a cop, she had never seen anything so bizarre. That is SO scary, and I totally understand your tendencies to be over protective. They never found out who did this to your son? Does your son have lasting issues from his concussions? I'm so sorry this ever happened. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jakesask Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 At age 18 or 20 I would've been very uncomfortable in a nighttime-crowd-unfamiliar area like that, so I can understand why some parents might be concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMommy Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I understand your concern, but in my experience, downtown STL after a game is very different than just being downtown late at night. Just make sure she knows a safe place to park, (parking garage nearby--the cost is worth it!)--there's safety in numbers, and all of the fans will be headed the same way after the game. If it's any consolation, DH and I almost always get lost downtown after a Cards game, (it's really hard figuring out where to get on 40 east, especially when they're doing construction!), and nothing bad has happened. I even got lost alone with all four dc late one night, and it was still OK. And when we first moved here, when I wasn't much older than your dd, I had to do some driving downtown by myself in the middle of the night. That wasn't ideal, but it turned out OK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective. :iagree: 20 is an adult. Unless there are unusual circumstances (special needs?), I'd say she can probaby handle herself just as well as anyone else in the crowd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reign Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Super over protected :) but I spent my 19th year crossing the ambassador bridge into Canada to go drinking TOTAlly wrong I know. I attended many a game/show in Detroit and had a night class there. I have had a friend get her car stolen at gun point after a lions game. I don't think its the safest thing to do buy I don't believe it is unreasonable at 20. What age would you feel comfortable? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I packed up my car and moved across the country at nineteen so it does seem overprotective. I understand that you've experienced something horrible but you don't want it to make your dd scared. I would actually try my hardest to encourage her to step outside of that comfort zone so she can move forward. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parias1126 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 She is 20 years old. That is very much an adult. Your being overprotective. I would let my 18 yo go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 (edited) She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective. :iagree: I think sometimes parents forget that at 18 we literally HAVE to cut the cord. Be there to help out, offer advice, worry ourselves to death, but in the end it's her choice. And yes I've been Downtown St. Louis at night and it can be very scary, maybe next time you or DH can offer to pick them up? Edited January 4, 2012 by foxbridgeacademy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 last week my 20 yo dd told me that she and her 18 yo friend visiting from Montana were going to go to a NHL hockey game in downtown St. Louis (we live in the suburbs, about 30 min. out) with a male friend from work. I found out a little bit ago that the friend was not going and it would just be the two girls. I am not comfortable with this at all. Downtown St. Louis is not the place for 18 and 20 yo girls to be by themselves at 11:00 at night when the game lets out. I did not tell her no, but told her I was very concerned and she was not happy. She did just text me that they were not going to go, but I am still curious if I was being overprotective. My dh knew nothing about her going at all and is at work, but I know he would not be happy to find out if they went. You are just a normal Mom. You know she is 20 and can do what she likes, as she is an adult. You just worry about her and always will. Tell her you hope she has a great time and if she has any problems with the car or anything, she can call anytime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 So you all don't think she should even warn her daughter? Really? Or let her daughter's friend know that she might be walking into a dangerous place with her eyes closed? Really? It's not overprotective to prepare someone for reality. It's protective. I would want someone to pass along this info to me, and I'm in my early 50's. Really, I think this thread has become a terrible pile on, and that the sentiments are very black and white when they should be more nuanced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I vote extremely overprotective, although it is understandable based on your experience wih your DS. At 18, I lived in an apartment by myself in a big city in Romania. When I got there, I didn't know the language, and the American family I was working for (homeschooling their kids) lived all the way across town a tram and two bus rides away. Were there uncomfortable situations? Yes!! But I learned from them and grew so much, and I would not trade that year dor anything! When I was approached by 2 police officers while walking home from the Internet cafe at 11pm my second week, they examined my passport and then told me in broken English that I should go home because it was dangerous for me to be out alone so late. I thanked them, went home, cried from the stress of the situation, and disn't walk alone in the middle of the night anymore. :001_smile: When I was hungry, I figured out a way to communicate with the shopkeeper well enough to buy some bread and bologna. Surely at age 20 if your DD got lost she could fiure out a reasonable place to stop and ask for directions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I went to UT football games alone and with friends when I was 17/18 in crowds of 150,000 + in Knoxville, TN and never had a problem. I am sure St. Louis is a larger city, but Knoxville is not tiny or anything. It was a blast! Some of the best memories I have from college! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 So you all don't think she should even warn her daughter? Really? Or let her daughter's friend know that she might be walking into a dangerous place with her eyes closed? Really? It's not overprotective to prepare someone for reality. It's protective. I would want someone to pass along this info to me, and I'm in my early 50's. Really, I think this thread has become a terrible pile on, and that the sentiments are very black and white when they should be more nuanced. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I say over-protective. She is not only an adult but has been for a couple years. I don't see any problem with you telling her your concerns but anything else would be too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Well, you didn't forbid her to go. I don't see this as hugely different from telling a friend (who gets lost and doesn't know her way around!) that you're concerned about her going. Would you feel comfortable going yourself with a girlfriend? If not, I think it was fine that you voiced your concern to your daughter about her safety. The other thing is that her friend is only 18 and I guess I'd feel a bit responsible for her if she's visiting you (is she, I guess I'm not sure), and that would make me more likely to tell dd that I didn't think the idea was a great one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cedarmom Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Ok, I posted earlier and said it wasn't since you didn't say no. But now Im thinking more. You want your daughter to feel like an adult and being in the city with a friend at night is something adults do. If you don't think she has the skills, maybe you should talk about that and make sure she does. It is differant because I have a son, but guys can get robbed too. It has happened in our downtown area. My son has season tickets to his college game and lives at home, so he often is in that situation. Usually there are lots of people around. One time the buses were differant and he was lost. He called and asked us to look up the nearest bus stop, which we did. Problem handled. Sometimes, yea I'm nervous. Somebody near there did get knifed. But, my son wants me to treat him as an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I say overprotective...but only you know your daughter. Ds17 has grown up on the burbs of Portland, Oregon. It is a largish city. He has been to events with a group of friends in downtown. He is gaining skills and experience in groups and when he is 20yo, I would expect he could handle himself well enough in event of an emergency. A few things that help me to feel comfortable with it: He is comfortable using public transportation. He knows how to read the maps and knows how to get around if he is separated from his group. He is not confrontational and if someone starts as issue, he will try to get out of it....not into it. He is not the type to attract unwanted attention. He hasn't been the target of bullies or fights. He has a good head on his shoulders and keeps calm under pressure. He is willing to ask questions if he needs help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I say overprotective...but only you know your daughter. Ds17 has grown up on the burbs of Portland, Oregon. It is a largish city. He has been to events with a group of friends in downtown. He is gaining skills and experience in groups and when he is 20yo, I would expect he could handle himself well enough in event of an emergency. A few things that help me to feel comfortable with it: He is comfortable using public transportation. He knows how to read the maps and knows how to get around if he is separated from his group. He is not confrontational and if someone starts as issue, he will try to get out of it....not into it. He is not the type to attract unwanted attention. He hasn't been the target of bullies or fights. He has a good head on his shoulders and keeps calm under pressure. He is willing to ask questions if he needs help. Thank you for this post. You have given me some specific points on which I would like to work with my teens. OP - I think you are being over - protective, but given your experience, I can totally get why. :grouphug: How horrifying!!!! :( I think you will feel better about your dd living the life of a young woman if she took some self-defense classes. I think they are valuable for anyone, but in your case, it can bring about a little bit of much needed peace - of - mind. And for me, I am all about teens and young adults traveling in "packs." :tongue_smilie: The fewer in the group, the more likely for issues. Who wants to mess with a "pack" of people??? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 but I think we have to remember that, "This could be dangerous" can sound a lot like, "I don't think you are able to deal with this. You aren't capable," to a young adult. So I think we have to tread carefully. We want our daughters to feel capable, confident and strong, not questioned, minimized, and told, "without a man, you can't handle going out at night." So of course I think we have to teach our children of either gender how to protect themselves. I think we have to talk to them often about how to be aware of their surroundings, how alcohol can lower judgment, how to conduct themselves in threatening situations. We have to especially teach them how to identify problems in the men they actually know, because that is the biggest threat to them, really. When I make a mental list of women I know who have been victims of crimes by strangers, I don't know how to really prepare a kid for those things. My Mom was held at gunpoint in a robbery. Gun to her head. She was at the drugstore on the way to lunch. Can't really prepare for that. My friend was assaulted in the parking lot of a familiar place at 10:00 in the morning. I have two friends who have been assaulted (one robbed at gun point, one car jacked). Both of them were with men. So I don't know how we can keep people totally safe, and I think all we can do is teach basic safety. We can't live in fear. I personally think a 20 year old woman is capable of finding her way to a new place, even at night, using Google maps and her GPS, and is capable of getting in and out of a major sporting event. I and think she deserves to hear from her parents that she's capable of that. I've been to a hockey game in down town St. Louis and I don't remember feeling at all unsafe. But of course when it's MY kid, I want to beg them to just stay home and make some pop corn and watch tv. I totally understand that. I think after my Mom was assaulted, she must have wanted to never let us out of her sight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I have no idea where my 18yo is on a regular basis. Sometimes I find out about games and concerts AFTER he goes (on Facebook.) At 20, one of my cousins went to watch the World Cup in South Africa with friends. It's time to let her do her own thing unless there is some special reason why she doesn't function as an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 So you all don't think she should even warn her daughter? Really? Or let her daughter's friend know that she might be walking into a dangerous place with her eyes closed? Really? It's not overprotective to prepare someone for reality. It's protective. I would want someone to pass along this info to me, and I'm in my early 50's. Really, I think this thread has become a terrible pile on, and that the sentiments are very black and white when they should be more nuanced. No, I warn my ds about stuff all the time. It sounds to me like a different scenario than she simply said, "Be careful - you don't want to get robbed. Stay in well lit areas around other people, etc." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I agree with the poster that said she needs to have skills to navigate the city that she lives in, and I'd be deliberate in helping her acquire those. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Yup. A vote for overprotective. I was living on my own at 20. I went all kinds of places by myself. If she has good common sense (which I am assuming she does), then she will be fine. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 She's 20? I'm trying to imagine feeling like I had a say in something as simple as whether my adult child was "allowed" to go to a sports event? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 At 20 I was traveling the world alone . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 but I am still curious if I was being overprotective. Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I am not necessarily disagreeing with the conclusion others have made, but I do want to say that just because we did something at a certain age does not mean therefore it's totally okay for someone else to do something at that age. That just does not seem like a good argument to me. If I was pregnant and living on my own at 18, does that mean therefore it's just fine for anyone to be doing that? How about if I were 16 and pregnant and living on my own? Does the same argument hold true? I don't mean to be unkind or anything like that... just pointing out that that's not necessarily good logic for concluding that something for someone else is okay or safe. Sorry if this comes off sounding snarky; I really don't mean that at all, and I respect you all who perhaps WERE pregnant at 18 and had to be out on your own and did a fine job doing it! My own 18-20 year-old children did a lot of very adventurous things at those ages, including my son who biked across the continent of Europe -- thousands of miles -- often on edges of freeways, alone, at age 18; and my daughter who lived independently in Costa Rica in her own apt, often riding public transportation at night in the not-so-safe city of San Jose, at age 19; and more. But before they left, we STILL discussed safety issues, how to be wise on the streets, the aura you give off (scared? confident?) which can capture attention of others, what to do if you ARE held-up, and many other things, AND even set down suggested rules to live by. However, if we felt they were going to blatantly put themselves into foolish or unsafe situations -- whether on their adventures or at home -- we certainly wouldn't just stand by and say, "Well, you're 18, so do what you wish!" Again, I'm not saying going to d.t. St. Louis for a sporting event IS a foolish or unsafe situation, but if it's what the parent is perceiving, then I believe they certainly can act on that. It is a good opportunity to sit down and help the young adult think through a safe plan, learn to be street-wise, and develop more independent skills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classical Country Mama Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 It is a good opportunity to sit down and help the young adult think through a safe plan, learn to be street-wise, and develop more independent skills. :iagree: When I was 19 and a senior in college (but living at home since I had to pay for my own tuition), my parents refused to let me go to a hockey game with a girlfriend in downtown Dallas. I had been working and/or attending college (30 minutes away) for several years, had done various international trips without them etc--but they deemed this "too dangerous." I wish they'd done a "how to be safe" speech (for the millionth time) instead of deciding I couldn't be trusted (that's not what they said; it's what I heard). Of course, I'm 30 (mumble mumble) years old now, and my mother still tells me to go to bed, or lock my car doors while driving, etc etc etc etc. :chillpill: AND my girlfriend still teases me about the time we almost went to the hockey game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I wouldn't worry about a sporting event for the reasons given-lots of police and security (we recently took a train back on a day where there was a game scheduled at night, and the central train station shares a building with the police precinct that serves the stadium/arena/civic center. At 10:00 in the morning, the police were already obviously preparing for the night's event so that they could get their pedestrian and traffic flow in place, monitor security, and so on. It's a MAJOR effort that I sincerely hope that my taxes aren't paying for!). I would, though, agree with discouraging two college-age girls from going into the downtown area around here at night when there wasn't a major event going on with a set departure time, like, say, to visit a club. That's something to do with a BIG group, preferably of mixed men and women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momma aimee Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 last week my 20 yo dd told me that she and her 18 yo friend visiting from Montana were going to go to a NHL hockey game in downtown St. Louis (we live in the suburbs, about 30 min. out) with a male friend from work. I found out a little bit ago that the friend was not going and it would just be the two girls. I am not comfortable with this at all. Downtown St. Louis is not the place for 18 and 20 yo girls to be by themselves at 11:00 at night when the game lets out. I did not tell her no, but told her I was very concerned and she was not happy. She did just text me that they were not going to go, but I am still curious if I was being overprotective. My dh knew nothing about her going at all and is at work, but I know he would not be happy to find out if they went. I think you did your God Given job as mom -- you had a safty concern, a real one, and you addressed it with the girls, and then let them make their own choice. At 18 and 20 you'd be hard pressed to stop them, but I am glad you voiced your concerns. not overly protective, imo, just a mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Sorry, but another vote for overprotective. It's hard to let go.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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