s/o Adoption - Why more & more kids?

[asta]

Yes, I realize that is a cruddy title. And please don't flame me -- I've had to endure 17 years of "You could only have ONE child? Well, why didn't you ADOPT?"

 

Well... let me count the ways I have answered Mr and Mrs Nosy-pants who have asked me over the years:

 

I'm sick. Very sick.

We move. Every 2 or 3 years.

I have no savings, much less $10-100K.

 

But you want to know what I suspect the REAL reason is? The one that tears me up every time I hold a baby (and give it back to its mom). The reason I'm NOT offering up? It's that I suspect that I was only able to bear one child because, despite how BADLY I wanted more...

 

I was only supposed to have ONE.

 

 

So I guess my query is bound up in this:

 

I read on boards all the time about people feeling 'called' to do this or that in regards to family size. No birth control, birth control, winging it - you name it. I completely understand wanting a child of one's own, and the ripping out of one's heart (and stomping on it, and throwing it down the disposal and into the sewer) of being told that one can not have a child. Been there.

 

What I guess I don't understand is the repeated... quest? when one has been lucky enough to be blessed / given the ultimate gift by the universe / pick your terminology -- for MORE.

 

Hasn't anyone else ever wondered why, for instance, person X adopts 3 babies (BAM!), and person Y is never able to adopt one?

 

So I guess that is more than one question. It's more like three:

 

*If you were able to have a child, and could only have one, were you able to reconcile that

 

*If you weren't able to conceive and/or carry a child to term and were able to adopt a child, were you satisfied with one

 

*How much of it all is 'want' at any and all cost (?) vs 'supposed to be'

 

 

(These things have been on my mind for years and years, so they most certainly aren't directed at anyone here on the boards.)

 

 

a

[Heather in Neverland]

They are good questions I think. I'll do my best.

 

I was only able to conceive and bring one child to this earth. Dh and I have completely unexplained secondary infertility.

 

I was ok with one. Until he was about 5yo. Then my heart just ached for another one. Plus, my dh and his sister are both adopted so adoption was in my dh's heart.

 

We had the money for IVF (which MIGHT have worked). We could have done donor sperm (which definitely would have worked). But for some reason when the subject of adoption came up it was like fireworks exploding.

 

We chose not to specify a gender (which is very unusual in international adoptions). We wanted God to send us His choice. He sent us a boy. And we were happy.

 

Until he turned 5yo. :D

 

What can I say? I really wanted a daughter. But I honestly never thought it would happen. Never. There are posts in my history on these boards to prove it. Then Natalie fell into our laps and it felt perfect.

 

Since then we have "contemplated" more but, for the first time, it just doesn't feel right. Somehow we both know that we are done. That our family is complete. We have had multiple other opportunities and we just keep saying no thank you.

 

I am not sure if that answers your question. What I do know is that I would NOT have put my body through all the things necessary to do IVF. Adoption was a much safer choice.

 

My SIL had an unexplained premie (born at 27 weeks). She is fine and it is a miracle. But she and my brother are not tempting fate. They will either stick with one or adopt.

Edited August 30, 2011 by Heather in NC

[Meriwether]

This isn't a profound answer so it may not be what you are looking for. I want more because I love looking around my table and seeing the kids. When my sister and I are together and we have 9 kids running around, it makes us happy. Dh says four is enough. He usually gets what he wants so we are probably done. I'd love to have one or two more.

 

If I had had one and been unable to have more than one, I would have been extremely thankful for my daughter. I would have ached for more, but I would have acknowleged the blessing of having her.

 

If I had been infertile, I would have done just about anything to adopt. My only ambition in life is to have a family. I don't want money or power. Just kids.

[Ipsey]

Yes, I realize that is a cruddy title. And please don't flame me -- I've had to endure 17 years of "You could only have ONE child? Well, why didn't you ADOPT?"

 

Well... let me count the ways I have answered Mr and Mrs Nosy-pants who have asked me over the years:

 

I'm sick. Very sick.

We move. Every 2 or 3 years.

I have no savings, much less $10-100K.

 

But you want to know what I suspect the REAL reason is? The one that tears me up every time I hold a baby (and give it back to its mom). The reason I'm NOT offering up? It's that I suspect that I was only able to bear one child because, despite how BADLY I wanted more...

 

I was only supposed to have ONE.

 

 

So I guess my query is bound up in this:

 

I read on boards all the time about people feeling 'called' to do this or that in regards to family size. No birth control, birth control, winging it - you name it. I completely understand wanting a child of one's own, and the ripping out of one's heart (and stomping on it, and throwing it down the disposal and into the sewer) of being told that one can not have a child. Been there.

 

What I guess I don't understand is the repeated... quest? when one has been lucky enough to be blessed / given the ultimate gift by the universe / pick your terminology -- for MORE.

 

Hasn't anyone else ever wondered why, for instance, person X adopts 3 babies (BAM!), and person Y is never able to adopt one?

 

So I guess that is more than one question. It's more like three:

 

*If you were able to have a child, and could only have one, were you able to reconcile that

 

*If you weren't able to conceive and/or carry a child to term and were able to adopt a child, were you satisfied with one

 

*How much of it all is 'want' at any and all cost (?) vs 'supposed to be'

 

 

(These things have been on my mind for years and years, so they most certainly aren't directed at anyone here on the boards.)

 

 

a

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry for your pain and for the busybodies who go about prying into your business. I don't believe in any "supposed" for anything. There is simply reality. We all struggle with the things we don't get in our reality. And it makes it far worse, especially, to be surrounded with people whose religious beliefs tell them that certain realities show they are blessed or more important in the bigger scheme of things.

 

It just stinks.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, here's how it happened to dh's dad and step-mom. They had one biological child (dh's dad had 3 from his first marriage). Step-mom was unable to have more biological children. She was okay with it. Then, she started volunteering with a group that brings children from other countries here for surgeries. They ended up hosting several children from Central and South America over the years. This led to her going on a medical aid trip to El Salvador. There, she met a little girl whose family had left her to die because she had a tumor on her face. She instantly fell in love with this girl, and she and FIL started the adoption process as soon as she returned home. A couple years went by, and they ended up hosting another girl for a surgery. By chance, this girl had come from the same orphanage in El Salvador from which their daughter was adopted. This little girl had been brutally injured and tortured by her biological mother. Once again, step-MIL felt powerfully that this should be her child and refused to send her back to the orphanage after the surgeries and began adoption proceedings. They did have to send her back temporarily, but just until the adoption was final. After a few more years of working with sick and injured children, step-MIL heard from someone about a boy in one of the orphanages they worked with in Chile. He was somewhere between 7-9 years old and had lived on the streets for years. Step-Mil just somehow knew this kid was supposed to be in her family, so she flew down to Chile and met him and asked him if he wanted to come and live with her and her family. He said yes. It was definitely not an easy transition and they could write a book about what ensued.

 

But, step-mil has met hundreds and hundreds of desperately needy children, and would have liked to adopt them all. She was called to adopt the 3 she did adopt. She just knew that those particular children were supposed to be part of her family.

 

With my sister, she was devastated by infertility. She ached and longed for children. They went through fertility treatments, unsuccessfully. They tried and tried to adopt locally. Also unsuccessfully. And they weren't looking for babies, either. They ended up adopting a 2 yr. old boy from India with severe hearing loss. They knew they wanted more kids, so they ended up adopting 2 more special needs girls from India- one had a bad cleft palate and is blind in one eye. One has a lung disease like cystic fibrosis and has to have the same treatments as a CF patient twice a day. They would probably like more, but their lives are consumed with medical procedures, so I think they are done for now.

 

I think my step-MIL would have been content with one child if she had never become involved in her volunteer work. For my sister, though, I think she would have done whatever possible to fill her home with as many children as she could handle. It's just different for everyone. I would be fine with more children. Dh is happy with 2. I'm not so desperately longing for more that I NEED to have more. I think you are right that some people are meant to only have one child. Some are meant to not have any, and some are meant to have a bunch.

Edited August 30, 2011 by thescrappyhomeschooler

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think those are interesting questions.

 

I do not have a belief about "supposed to" regarding these such things though.

(I also don't believe in "being called to")

Life throws you what it does and you make the choices you do.

In the end, it is what it is.

 

ETA: I want to explain further, but don't think I can get it out (especially in my limited time this morning). I simply think that certain ideas are so prevalent in our society that it permeates every aspect of our lives; but that doesn't make those ideas reality or truth. I'll stop here before I start quoting scripture.

Edited August 30, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[Carrie12345]

I don't really meet you parameters but, hey, I have two cents in my pocket.

 

I never really thought in terms of 'want' or 'supposed to be' when looking into adoption. I simply had more to give and felt it was right and good to do so, and I suppose that's where "want" Began to grow.

 

Two unexpected babies later, I no longer feel I have more to give. At least, not at this time.

 

FWIW, I have little to no interest in adopting babies. I certainly love babies, but felt there were plenty of other people wanting the experience I had already had. What I had to give could have been more useful to older children. Perhaps I'll have that ability back down the road. Or not!

[Runningmom80]

I'm sorry you have to deal with other people's nosiness! That isn't fair. :(

 

 

My answer isn't very prolific either. It's more about logistics.

 

My dh and I wanted two or three children. We are both from large families, and loved growing up with siblings around. That being said, we didn't want more than that for a few reasons, the main one being that we both felt our parents were stretched thin all the time, and we wanted to give our kids more one on one attention. We also both grew up struggling for money at times, and feel like we can't afford anymore. This was our experience growing up, I'm not saying all parents of large families have these issues! The other reasons are carbon footprint, and then monetary reasons, I want to fully fund college educations, travel, etc.

 

I was able to get pg with my older ds very quickly and easily. When it was time to try for #2 it took a year, a miscarriage, many tests and a round of clomid to conceive. When I got a positive pregnancy test, I told my husband I wanted to stop at two. I couldn't go through the trying again, and I only did it for a year! I can't imagine what it feels like to try for 2,3,4 or more years and not ever have a baby.

 

 

 

We briefly talked about adopting a third while we were trying for #2, but decided we would cross that bridge when we got to it.

 

 

Turns out the clomid took care of #2 and #3, so there we stop. :)

 

 

I dream about adoption sometimes, but right now my plate is more than full.

[Rose in BC]

After five years of infertility my dh and I decided on adoption. We went the private route and 8 years into our marriage adopted our infant daughter. We figured that was it for us primarily because we couldn't afford the private route again.

 

When my dd was 3 the phone rang and, to make a long story short, because of our open adoption with our daughter's birth family (who live far away and we really don't have regular contact . . . could and would but practically has never worked out) were asked if we would be interested in adopting a 3 yr old boy from foster care. Six months later, after all the paperwork, we did. A year later the social worker who did our adoption with our ds phoned and asked if we'd be interested in our second son. We were and we did adopt him.

 

She called two other occasions with adoption proposals we knew couldn't work for our current family situation. Can't explain it, just knew. Years later I think we made the right choice.

[tmulcahy]

I just don't get why some people would ask that sort of question. I am sorry that you have been faced with that. I know families with one child who are asked that all the time as well as "Is one all you wanted?" Really. As if the one child is not enough. I also know big families who are questioned as to whether or not having children is an addiction. People are weird and ask weird things that are basically offensive.

 

Your questions are tough for me because I have 3 children? I did want to have more....I can not due to a vascular problem that causes blood clots. God has been good...I am blessed. We have a great family. I am content with my family. Adoption has had nothing to do with expanding our family. It is about God's grace and HIS adoption of us. He is the ultimate model of adoption.

 

As far as not being able to conceive and adopting one child....well if my husband and I agreed on that and we thought it was best then yeah, I'd be great with that.

 

As far as "want vs supposed to be"... I dunno. I have been praying about adoption for years. My husband was not on the same track. I totally dropped the issue (like a year ago). Last month he came to me and told me that God has been working on him in that area. I was totally floored. Yeah I think it is a God directed thing. I pray God guides. Sometimes I have clarity and sometimes not so much. That is how I see it. I would not consider pushing or talking him into it. I suppose everybody is different.

 

I am sorry that you are dealing with people who say things that cause pain...that sucks...plain and simple. Yes, you bore one child. Amen to that. Does it mean adoption of another is wrong? NO. Does it mean you should adopt? NO. That is personal and between you and your husband and God.

:grouphug:

Edited August 30, 2011 by tmulcahy
misplaced comma- almost killed a kitty

[ThatCyndiGirl]

We used fertility drugs for our first.

 

I told dh years later that I felt like our whole family 'wasn't here yet', like when we get into the car and we were waiting for someone else who hadn't come out of the house yet......

 

Then we had our second, also through fertility drugs. I felt pretty much like our family was complete, but fate had other plans. We were surprised by Child Number Three!

 

I know that my answer wasn't about adoption, but I wonder if that is how many parents feel, adoptive and otherwise......like they were waiting for someone else to come.

[TracyR]

This isn't a profound answer so it may not be what you are looking for. I want more because I love looking around my table and seeing the kids. When my sister and I are together and we have 9 kids running around, it makes us happy. Dh says four is enough. He usually gets what he wants so we are probably done. I'd love to have one or two more.

 

If I had had one and been unable to have more than one, I would have been extremely thankful for my daughter. I would have ached for more, but I would have acknowleged the blessing of having her.

 

If I had been infertile, I would have done just about anything to adopt. My only ambition in life is to have a family. I don't want money or power. Just kids.

 

Meriwether, reading your post made me smile today. I felt like I was the only 'crazy' person in the world who's children makes them happy. I took don't care for money or power. Its my children who make me so very happy.

 

As for the original poster. I had four. Very fortunately might I add because I have thyroid disease and the vast majority of women with thyroid disease have infertility problems. Not to say it was easy for me to concieve. Far from it. I never had to use birth control to space my girls out the way they are. They came when the came and in God's time. Not without much heart ache because when your trying to conceive and it was taking years, and years to do it that was tough. But thankfully my girls came along.

I can't have children any more but the one thing is I still feel like I want more children. I think I would be happy with a few more though. My heart has longed for at least a few boys to carry on the family name.

 

But everyone we meet always asks how we can handle 4 and like my husband says if you listen carefully to what they say its " I really hate my kids and would have only had one if I had to do it over again." Even without saying it directly. LOL

[Runningmom80]

But everyone we meet always asks how we can handle 4 and like my husband says if you listen carefully to what they say its " I really hate my kids and would have only had one if I had to do it over again." Even without saying it directly. LOL

 

 

 

I don't think that's valid, or fair. Part of the reason I don't want any more is because of what I want for the children I have. I can't possibly imagine splitting my attention more, that would make me sad for these kids.

 

 

I can't imagine having anymore, that doesn't mean I don't love the ones I have with all my heart.

[Wyndie]

We used fertility drugs for our first.

 

I told dh years later that I felt like our whole family 'wasn't here yet', like when we get into the car and we were waiting for someone else who hadn't come out of the house yet......

 

Then we had our second, also through fertility drugs. I felt pretty much like our family was complete, but fate had other plans. We were surprised by Child Number Three!

 

I know that my answer wasn't about adoption, but I wonder if that is how many parents feel, adoptive and otherwise......like they were waiting for someone else to come.

 

That is EXACTLY how I feel. DH is closed to the issue of more children, either bio or adopted so I just have to live with that feeling. I know others who have that same feeling as well... their family just isn't complete yet. This feeling does not mean I don't appreciate and love the children I have, just that I haven't met all my children yet.

 

I find it ridiculous that others would question another's family size at all... chalk it up to tactless and thoughtless. I'm sorry you have had to deal with such things OP.

[KrissiK]

Well, we have three now and this afternoon we're going to meet possible #4 & #5. I only had one brother, and I really wanted more siblings, but that didn't happen. DH grew up in a family of 5 kids and loved it. We have 2 boys and a girl and DD wants a sister and I don't blame her. We're meeting at 2 girls today. We really wanted 1, but adopting just 1 is not really possible anymore. I just feel that God has blessed DH and me with a strong marriage, he's got a comfortable income, we have a good family and I feel like I want to share that. We have room for more and there are children who need a good home. I read the adoption horror stories on that other thread and actually had to quit reading because it just made me sick. Our adoption story is beautiful. We have 3 beautiful children and yes, the way adoptions are here domestically and internationally are bad and there are some dreadfully hurt children out there, but it's not all bad.

[SKL]

Everybody's different. I have friends who have never wanted any children. And I know people who have a bunch of them and would have loved to have more. Obviously there is no one reason why other people don't feel the same way you do about this.

 

Personally I love children, but the biggest reason why I didn't opt for "one and done" was that I believe there is a tremendous benefit in having siblings.

 

I was 40 when I adopted my only 2 kids. I have wanted to be a mother since I was a child, but never found the right man to marry. I actually entertained the idea of marrying a man I shouldn't have, so that I could become a mom the traditional way. When I finally woke up from that nightmare, I thought about sperm donors. Finally I decided to pursue adoption and was blessed to be able to adopt two children. I have no plans to adopt more.

 

I yearned and yearned for children, but based on my personality, I think I would have moved past it if I'd reached a point where it was absolutely impossible. I would have found some other way to direct the maternal energy I have always felt. But as long as there was some slight possibility, I would not have stopped thinking about it.

[jewellsmommy]

Yes, I realize that is a cruddy title. And please don't flame me -- I've had to endure 17 years of "You could only have ONE child? Well, why didn't you ADOPT?"

 

Well... let me count the ways I have answered Mr and Mrs Nosy-pants who have asked me over the years:

 

I'm sick. Very sick.

We move. Every 2 or 3 years.

I have no savings, much less $10-100K.

 

But you want to know what I suspect the REAL reason is? The one that tears me up every time I hold a baby (and give it back to its mom). The reason I'm NOT offering up? It's that I suspect that I was only able to bear one child because, despite how BADLY I wanted more...

 

I was only supposed to have ONE.

 

 

So I guess my query is bound up in this:

 

I read on boards all the time about people feeling 'called' to do this or that in regards to family size. No birth control, birth control, winging it - you name it. I completely understand wanting a child of one's own, and the ripping out of one's heart (and stomping on it, and throwing it down the disposal and into the sewer) of being told that one can not have a child. Been there.

 

What I guess I don't understand is the repeated... quest? when one has been lucky enough to be blessed / given the ultimate gift by the universe / pick your terminology -- for MORE.

 

Hasn't anyone else ever wondered why, for instance, person X adopts 3 babies (BAM!), and person Y is never able to adopt one?

 

So I guess that is more than one question. It's more like three:

 

*If you were able to have a child, and could only have one, were you able to reconcile that

 

*If you weren't able to conceive and/or carry a child to term and were able to adopt a child, were you satisfied with one

 

*How much of it all is 'want' at any and all cost (?) vs 'supposed to be'

 

 

(These things have been on my mind for years and years, so they most certainly aren't directed at anyone here on the boards.)

 

 

a

 

 

Yes. I have pcos and endometriosis. It was hard to get pregnant with dd. We knew where our line was in attempting to get pregnant. We were blessed, beyond the odds, we got one. I adored being pregnant. I cherished every moment and every little pain even! I would have loved to be pregnant again. SIGH

 

Dh and I hoped that we would have another. We never prevented, but we did not pursue pregnancy like we had to get dd. She had some issues that monopolized our attention. :001_smile: I did generally avoid the really young babies and felt the desire for another, however I did not have the 'drive' that I felt God had given me (the first time around) to actively pursue another pregnancy. That was always difficult. I just held out hope that I might wake up pregnant one day ;). But, we were content.

 

We were ok to accept our blessing and live life. We refused to be stuck in that place, if that makes sense. I have seen women who are stuck in a place of despair over not being able to have another. You miss so much when your eyes are fixed looking in one direction for one particular type of blessing. Its like staring to hard, you lose your peripheral vision. :crying: I didn't want to miss anything in the here and now, because I was stuck staring at the horizon, waiting for a baby to pop up over that hill. I have been one to suggest that a person who was 'stuck' in their life yet has the means to adopt, to adopt. It is painful to watch. Otherwise, I don't just randomly suggest that people adopt. I do think that some people are in love with the idea of 'having another baby' but not so much the reality of having another child.

 

Well, I didn't wake up pregnant and we did not have an epiphany to adopt, but God thrust another child into our life. We were pursued by someone to become guardian of a little boy. We stepped out in faith and it has been a roller coaster ride ever since. :001_smile:

Edited August 30, 2011 by jewellsmommy

[Impish]

I really, REALLY don't understand why anyone thinks they have the right to comment on someone else's family size.

 

They're not raising the kid(s). They're not financially providing. So what difference does it make to them?!

 

We have baby #5 on the way. I came to my marriage with 2 children. Experienced an ectopic just before our wedding. We were incredibly lucky to have Tazzie and then Princess. Tummy was a shocker :lol:

 

Through our marriage, we have discussed fostering, foster to adopt, and adoption. Initially, we were thinking an older boy.

 

After much research, we decided that foster/adoption wasn't something we could pursue, at least not for many, many years. With our children being so young, we just felt that the potential risks were too much at this point. Then, add in my disability, and its unlikely we'd get approved anyways.

 

With Tummy on the way, its pretty much sealed the deal against pursuing adoption/foster care. Part of me is still very much drawn to providing a safe home for a child in need, but I have to be realistic about my limitations.

[Alice]

I don't really fit your criteria at all for your question but I'm an only child and got really used to questions growing up or comments about how I must "miss having siblings" or how I must be "so lonely". My parents very much chose to only have one and I think they got tired of explaining that. It just amazes me how people can be so nosy.

 

We did talk about adoption for years. We never experienced infertility but adoption was something we felt drawn to. However, after our third I just felt done. Before that we both knew we wanted more. I think dh would have liked a fourth but he was ok with stopping at three. I love my kids and admire people who have large families and handle it with grace. But for me, I just felt like I'm a better Mom with the number I have now. Sometimes in the homeschooling community I feel like a failure of sorts for not wanting more. But mostly I believe that we are all different and our families look different and that's ok.

 

ETA: Just in case as a Mom of an only you worry about it...I liked being an only child. There were a lot of benefits. I never felt lonely and I never missed siblings (since I didn't know what I was missing).

[lionfamily1999]

Opinions are like certain smelly holes. We all have them (except people that suffered through lots of surgery, but that's a whole nother story).

 

I'm sorry people were rude to you. Where kids are concerned I do think it's all according to God's plan. If that means twenty five kids or none. I think people tend to think of "lonely only" when they see a child with no siblings and some folks, as their family size grows, decide that only their number of children is the "right" or "superior" number.

 

You might as well argue whether red is a better color than blue or yellow, iykwIm. Some folks will fight to the death over their own choices and feel like anyone who chooses different is judging them.

[jujsky]

That's a difficult question to word well! I think you just sort of know how many children you should have. I don't feel completely fulfilled because I did want more. I have 2, I wanted 3-4. Having more children is in my heart, but not Dh's heart. I'm learning to be content with 2, but maybe someday one of DS's bio siblings will be placed into the Russian system and we'll get a call, or maybe someday someone we know will be hosting or fostering a child that tugs at our heartstrings. I don't know. I do know that when I was dealing with infertility, I wasn't about to throw in the towel and go child-free because that's not how I wanted to live my life. I do believe that everything (so far) has turned out the way it should for us. If there are more child in our future, they will come into our lives one way or another.

[Zebra]

Having an only wasn't necessarily what we planned...but this is the way it was meant to be!

 

I had to grieve over the whole thing, but now I love having an only. There was absolutely no other option for us, so I guess at some point I just accepted it. It was a process, and it's wasn't easy at times. But, I am definitely way past that now.

 

I completely sympathize with you about people who are rude and nosy. I can't believe the people who tell me how much dd "needs" a sibling. It's horrible. Even people in my family have said it to me, despite them knowing the long sordid story. Children do not need siblings, somehow only children can turn out just fine. There is good and bad to every family situation. On the other hand I have a friend who's going to have her 5th and people make nasty comments to her too. So, I guess you can't win. I always think it must be nice for them to have lived such a perfect life that they have absolutely no empathy for anyone else.

[Runningmom80]

Having an only wasn't necessarily what we planned...but this is the way it was meant to be!

 

I had to grieve over the whole thing, but now I love having an only. There was absolutely no other option for us, so I guess at some point I just accepted it. It was a process, and it's wasn't easy at times. But, I am definitely way past that now.

 

I completely sympathize with you about people who are rude and nosy. I can't believe the people who tell me how much dd "needs" a sibling. It's horrible. Even people in my family have said it to me, despite them knowing the long sordid story. Children do not need siblings, somehow only children can turn out just fine. There is good and bad to every family situation. On the other hand I have a friend who's going to have her 5th and people make nasty comments to her too. So, I guess you can't win. I always think it must be nice for them to have lived such a perfect life that they have absolutely no empathy for anyone else.

 

 

I agree with this! My BFF is an only, and I am jealous of the relationship she has with her parents. I think there are definitely perks to having only one child!

 

 

Everyone is different, I think its hard for people to understand where others are comi from, and that's when those remarks are made. I can't imagine telling someone to have more kids though, that just seems rude and insensitive!

[Joules]

 

 

*If you were able to have a child, and could only have one, were you able to reconcile that

 

 

 

*How much of it all is 'want' at any and all cost (?) vs 'supposed to be'

 

 

My seven pregancies:

miscarriage 1996

ds born 1997

miscarriage 1999

dd born and died 2000

miscarriages (2002, 2002, 2003)

 

To answer the first question: Yes, I've been able to reconcile that I am raising an only child, but it took time. In 2003, we decided to stop trying. All the pregnancies were taking a terrible emotional and physical toll. I needed to be a parent to the one I had.

 

I am happy with my one wonderful son. The only sadness I feel is a hole where dd should be, not the concept I only have one. I do feel bad for ds when he wishes he had siblings, but there are lots of advantages to being an only child and you can't have it both ways. He gets that, too.

 

Our family feels "right" now, so I guess it feels that it was "supposed" to be this way. Yes, I kept trying for a while, but I didn't go for "any and all costs).

 

I was asked about adoption for years (people are very nosy), but for many reasons it wasn't right for us.

[happyhomemaker25]

I hate that you have been hurt by people commenting on your family size. I wish people would give up the thought that they have any say in anyone's family size.

We tried for a couple of years to have a baby. While we were trying to become licensed foster parents I was diagnosed with PCOS and Type 2 Diabetes. Both make it harder to get pregnant.

We were licensed for foster care in 2004. We adopted our five older children in 2006 and closed our home. We were full and busy. :) My kids made up two sibling groups. My girls are biological sisters and my boys are biological brothers.

We were always hoping and praying for a biological baby. I really wanted to experience pregnancy and birth. Lily was born in 2010. It was an amazing experience and one I really enjoyed.

We would welcome more children. I honestly just love having kids around. I love watching them grow up. I love watching my kids interact with one another and form bonds that I hope and pray will last forever.

That being said, I know the pain of infertility. I would never, never, never judge someone based on their family size. Yes, I love having a houseful of kids and I think God gave me that desire because He planned for me to live that life. I know many, many people who are happy with their one child.

We just need to remember:

A family is a family no matter how small (or big!)! :001_smile:

[happyhomemaker25]

That's a difficult question to word well! I think you just sort of know how many children you should have. I don't feel completely fulfilled because I did want more. I have 2, I wanted 3-4. Having more children is in my heart, but not Dh's heart. I'm learning to be content with 2, but maybe someday one of DS's bio siblings will be placed into the Russian system and we'll get a call, or maybe someday someone we know will be hosting or fostering a child that tugs at our heartstrings. I don't know. I do know that when I was dealing with infertility, I wasn't about to throw in the towel and go child-free because that's not how I wanted to live my life. I do believe that everything (so far) has turned out the way it should for us. If there are more child in our future, they will come into our lives one way or another.

 

THIS! That's exactly how I felt. When pregnancy did not happen for us I started to actively pursue foster care. I was going to be a mom one way or another. God has ordained every child that came into our lives in the most amazing way.

[Night Elf]

What I guess I don't understand is the repeated... quest? when one has been lucky enough to be blessed / given the ultimate gift by the universe / pick your terminology -- for MORE.

 

Because the universe might be working to help the children who do not have parents. What do you mean be 'lucky enough to be blessed?' Do you mean having one healthy child? That would mean every family would only be able to have one. Or do you mean that it's okay for a family to have as many biological children as they want, but they shouldn't adopt if they already have a big family, or if they do adopt, they shouldn't get more than one. Hm.. Likely you don't mean it that way. My brain is fuzzy.

 

I have not and can not adopt. I have 3 biological children. When DH got his vasectomy when our youngest was an infant, he agreed we would look into adoption in 2 or 3 years. When that time came around, I discovered he had no intention of having more children. He assumed my desire would go away. Well, he was wrong. It's been 10 years since he made that declaration and he's still wrong. I believe this thought will be the last one I have as I take my last breath. I will always regret not having another and will resent him for preventing me from having that desire. Oh, I still love him tremendously, but this is simply an unforgivable moment in our lives together as it can never be changed.

 

But yes, I want more. I absolutely adore children. They say that everyone has a talent and mine is children of all ages. I can relate to them. I can understand them. I can love them. Yes, I can work with them in a daycare or school, but it's not the same as having that child live with me as part of my family. It's a desire so strong it permeates every fiber of my being. But I've consistently been told I'm holding onto that dream just to make myself miserable and that if I see reason, having another child would be nothing but trouble. My heart breaks when people say that. I'm jealous of quiverful families. I cannot think of anything more ecstatically joyful than having a home full of beautiful children.

[Night Elf]

I don't think that's valid, or fair. Part of the reason I don't want any more is because of what I want for the children I have. I can't possibly imagine splitting my attention more, that would make me sad for these kids.

 

 

I can't imagine having anymore, that doesn't mean I don't love the ones I have with all my heart.

 

But do you ask someone, a stranger, how they can handle 4 children? That is what her husband is responding to. I've gotten those types of questions and I only have 3. I've seen people look freaked out when I tell them I love children and would love to have more. I've seen the same freaked out looks when they find out I homeschool. I've had people admit they can't imagine having to be with their children 24/7 because they don't like them most of the time. That boggles my brain. My heart hurts for those children.

[Murmer]

100% infertile...dh is sterile...we wanted children (plural) so the only option to parenthood was adoption. Now we have 2 AMAZING children but dd is amazingly special. Ideally we would like 4 because that is what we have always wanted before we learned of our infertility...but we don't know if that will happen because dd is a handful and dh isn't sure he could handle the pressure of another baby. That said I love the way Resolve (national infertility organization) says that adoption is NOT a cure for infertility only a cure for childlessness. We have been cured of childlessness but not infertility. Sometimes we still ache for the children that may not come into our home whether through birth or adoption and yet we pray for the opportunity to be parents again however that might happen. Oddly enough family planning is a very private matter that people seem to think they should be able to comment on no matter how appropriate it is.

[Pretty in Pink]

I don't believe in being called to do things. That said, my dh and I both knew that we wanted several children. This last one was a huge surprise but the others were not really. We love our children, we love having babies together, we are both young and healthy, we are financially stable, we've never had a problem conceiving. We've been fortunate in that regard.

 

Would we have been happy with one? I hate to say no because I would not have been unhappy, but I would have wanted more.

 

When you are expecting no. 2 you wonder how you will possibly love another child as much as you love your first and then, when they are born, you just do. Maybe it's kind of like that. Wanting more than one doesn't mean that you love the one that you have any less. Only wanting one doesn't mean that you love that child any more or any less than someone who has or wants more than one.

[FaithManor]

I think these types of questions (not the OP's question in particular whch is coming from the viewpoint that she has been on the receiving ends of busybody nosyness) have no place in civilized talk amongst acquaintances. For the most part, I think friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. need to take their thoughts and "concerns" and shove them where the sun doesn't shine. I don't know when fertility, infertility, adoption, and choosing not to have any or a bazillion children became everyone else's business and "everyone" decided "they" have the one right answer to share. The OP and many others has been offended because, frankly, it's nobody's concern why anyone has none, one, three, ten, or how any of those numbers came to be. Period.

 

I've watched what the international adoption thread has devolved into. I'm watching this thread...people defending their family size choices; how their family was built. It's ridiculous!

 

Marietta and Isabella - sitting in an orphanage in Nicaragua because in 2007 Daniel Ortega was "re-elected" to the presidency. Though he claims U.S. adoptions of Nicaraguan orphans were not disrupted due to the contentious nature of the U.S./Ortega relationship (the Reagan years and Ortega being thrown out of office), adoptions in the final stages of approval or already approved were mysteriously suspended. Marietta and Isabella are now in declining health. They will likely die there. Their faces are forever etched in my memory. Since then, a tiny handful of adoptions have made it through...ours was disrupted because in that lapse, dh and I have had some birthdays and are now officially "too old" by the Department of Familia's standards.

 

Angel - returned to biological parents where she continues to be malnourished and not have her medical needs attended to.

 

This is all I will say of our experience. It is food for thought.

 

I am eternally grateful for the four we have. The above attempts at family expansion were not aimed at somehow saying our biological children were not enough.

 

My viewpoint is...it is no one else's business. The OP should not defend herself. Heather shouldn't defend herself for bringing Natalie into her home, for choosing to or not to take others. Neither should anyone else. How we come to the conclusions about what makes our family complete or not is between husband and wife and whatever faith you subscribe to or lack of faith too. That's it. No rationale to others is needed. Heaven help us there are enough social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, sociologists, government workers, medical workers, and the like to question our motives without every Tom, Dick, and Harry getting a word in too.

 

We've been through every rude comment there is and so have a number of parents on this board regardless of how many children they do or do not have and how those children came to be in their families.

 

I won't defend myself for "wanting" Marietta, or Isabella, or Angel. I won't defend myself for not wanting to add to our family anymore. I won't defend myself for having four or for the period of time between dd and ds when we thought we might choose to stop having children.

 

Faith

Edited August 30, 2011 by FaithManor

[sbgrace]

I think we all have desires that, either innate or by environment, are in us. That might be desire for lots of kids or none or anywhere between. Reality doesn't always match desire and there is the pain of reconciling that which you've experienced.

 

Hopefully people come to a place of contentment and acceptance when reality (whether about number of children, the health of those children, marriage, etc.) don't match desire.

 

For us I feel blessed to have what we have. I don't have problems getting pregnant but can't stay pregnant. After many losses we had our boys (twins) and I don't think I let myself hope really until they were here. The pregnancy and birth was very hard on my health and I was sick for about six years afterward. My son has a myriad of special needs including one that might eventually kill him. He inherited it from me. We had no clue this was in me until after his diagnosis. His needs are overwhelming at times. I don't think our family could handle more special needs and I know that's always a possibility with children--adopted or biological. So we're done for lots of reasons. But there was a grief to that for me.

Edited August 30, 2011 by sbgrace

[stripe]

Yes, I realize that is a cruddy title. And please don't flame me -- I've had to endure 17 years of "You could only have ONE child? Well, why didn't you ADOPT?"

 

 

Just wanted to say, these comments irritate me, even when directed at others, but I hear this said to mothers of two, mothers of multiples of the same sex, and so on. People are just inappropriate. Someone told my huusband we should go do IVF after having one boy in order to get a girl. I was furious. Not only is that stupid, to my mind, but very taxing on the body for such a trivial reason.

 

Anyway I've generally witnessed a lot of stupid comments, including questions demanding I have a child, and an OB/GYN at a party telling me I should go to the doctor to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant despite the fact that I was 5 mo along.

 

I've concluded in life, no matter what you do, someone will pop up with a rude comment.

 

I do think there is something about a baby that makes you want one, and forget how much work they are and that they will grow up into a child and then adult.

[YLVD]

I feel like a mom-fail at times as I cannot imagine wanting a bunch of kids, or even two kids, lol I love my daughter but I love love having an only. Well, she does have three half brothers from her dad and his wife but she's an only in this house.

 

I never had that desire. I can't relate although I try to get it.

Edited August 30, 2011 by YLVD

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm not sure I completely understand the OP. I'm confused about "at all costs" and "can't adopt."

 

3 miscarriages, 2 bio (nearly died with #2) and one adoption.

 

My infertility experiences are not characteristic of anyone else's and my point of view on it is not the only valid one. I'm speaking individually and not generally.

 

I thank God that we eventually found out I have a medical condition that makes pregnancy risky to me and the babies. It was all part of the plan to steer us to the adoption our youngest. She was clearly made for our family. She's adopted by us because she was supposed to be. When we were adopting her, the agency was asking everyone to encourage others to adopt because they had more children available than qualified couples. Shouldn't every child who needs a good home get one? Who cares if that home already has children in it?

 

It's incredibly rude to ask about people's family size if they didn't bring up the subject. It's none of my business why someone opts out of parenthood entirely or for a second, third, fourth, fifth......People know why they choose their family size and it's obnoxious when others demand an explanation or try to tell them to think otherwise. As long as they are taking decent care of the kids, it's no one else's business.

 

Generally speaking, I think the world could use as many children raised in loving homes to be good people. If some couples want to do that on a larger or smaller scale than other couples, that's fine with me. I appreciate the high quality contributions of all good solid loving parents.

[mommymilkies]

:grouphug: I agree with Faith.

 

I have 5. I have not adopted, but it has been in my head for a long time. I was told that I would never have kids. I proved them wrong 5 times-all unexpectedly. I am very grateful. Why would I adopt more? Because I love kids. Because I love being surrounded by them and their wonder and joy. My dh is *not* on board for adoption, otherwise I would look into it further.

 

Some people just should mind their own beeswax. It's nobody's business if I have 1 kid, no kids, or 10 kids. It's not their business if I've adopted or birthed them all, either. Period.

[Sue G in PA]

Shouldn't every child who needs a good home get one? Who cares if that home already has children in it?

 

We have 7 biological children. And I have grown numb to the constant barrage of comments from strangers about our family size. It is akin to the busybodies you have endured asking about your only. It is none of their business. I know several women who have choses (yes, chosen) NOT to have ANY children and live perfectly happy, productive and joyful lives. It is inconceivable to me why a woman (married woman) would choose not to have any children period but who am I to judge that? KWIM? As to adopting more and more...sometimes I think it is more b/c there are children who need homes rather than the adopter wanting more and more children? Does that make sense? We, at one point, had the possibility of adopting 4 more children (all girls) at the very same time (2 were my godkids whose mother died of an overdose and 2 were cousins in foster care). I wasn't seeking to adopt but here they were...in need of a home. It turned out that all 4 found homes elsewhere and I do believe it was God's plan. I would LOVE to adopt a child or 2 or 3 or...simply b/c I think that a loving HOME as part of a loving family (regardless of how many children are already there) is 100x better than a crowded orphanage. I can't afford international adoption so if it were meant to be, it would have to be God. And I won't deal with the "System" here in the states anymore. And then, of course, there are just some women/men who I believe are CALLED to be parents of many (the Duggars for instance) and who do it well and easily (well, sort of :tongue_smilie:). And then there are some who have lots of kids but no intent to really raise or take care of them (the case of the mother of my 2 cousins). I am sorry you have to deal with such insensitive people. If I were ill, I do not think I would have 7 children. I already struggle with depression and that makes it hard enough. :grouphug: