Caitilin Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 My sister is getting remarried in 2 weeks. She has 2 flower girls, my dd7 and her dd6, as well as three bridesmaids, me, our other sister, and her good friend. Today, apparently, my dd and I have been basically demoted from the bridal party: Hi there! I was wondering if you had finalized when you thought you might be getting to town for the wedding… Are you still planning on making a mini-vacation of it, or are you just going to be here for the weekend? I had a thought with respect to the head table: I think it would make more sense logistically to have you and your family sit at their own table and I can have Mum and S sit at the head table instead. That way you can be with the kids et al and also S can be part of the event under Mum’s watchful eye. Have you gotten your dress shortened to a more reasonable length? Otherwise, how is life out your way? Love, Sis So, am I reading this wrong, and this is not a hurtful and dismissive email? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Seeing how she worded it, I would not be hurt. Maybe the head table only easily holds a certain amount, and I can see where she'd be thinking you'd like to be with your own family at a table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It wouldn't bother me. I would find it easier and more comfortable to sit with my dh and kids, rather than at the head table. You're going to be in the wedding, in the pics, sharing in her day. I don't think where you sit at the reception really matters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I think it's an exaggeration to say you've been demoted from the bridal party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I don't know your family dynamic, but I would be careful not to take offense if none is intended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Wow. How tacky is that. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I don't know how long your dress is, but I don't think you should shorten it the tiniest bit. Hmph. Probably tit-for-tat isn't the best way to go about it, but I'd be tempted to suggest that your dd not participate, either, which of course would hurt her feelings and we wouldn't want to do that, but still... ETA: Apparently I'm odd man out, but it still seems tacky to me, and yes, that you've been demoted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I don't think she just "demoted you from the bridal party." Your daughter is still a flower girl regardless of where she sits at dinner, right? I would assume that your sister is trying to figure out how to get everyone seated, and not worry too much about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It wouldn't bother me but I'd rather sit with my kids. It doesn't sound like she meant anything negative towards you. Ahhh, weddings!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I read it as simply wanting you not to sit at the head table at the reception. For some reason she thinks you would want to sit at a different table. I don't see her logic there, unless your DD has been disruptive or something in her presence and she's worried about that. But since she says nothing about the wedding itself, I assume you and DD are still included in the bridal party ... she just doesn't want you to sit with them at the reception. :confused: Yeah, I would find it kind of hurtful unless I had previously mentioned DD being hard to supervise, wishing to sit with DH, or something along those lines that would be a reason. Is it possible your mom is pressuring her for a seat at the head table and there aren't enough seats because she's already okayed the setup with the caterer or whatever? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Well, is your other sister and the other bridesmaid still at the head table? I was my sister's maid of honor a few years ago and we had some tricky scenarios, too, because I had kids. To give her the benefit of the doubt, she probably just wants to make sure you can watch your kids and someone can watch her dd. However, if you are hurt, just tell her. I'd say something like, "Oh, my dd will be fine with dh. I was really looking forward to being with you and the rest of the wedding party. I'm more than happy to help watch your dd at the head table, or dh can watch her with my dd. Let me know what you think. I want to make it easy, too." Or, if you think you can just let it go, then do. In my experience, decisions like this are rarely ever made with any malcontent, and she's probably trying to make decisions while getting advice from 10 different people. Good luck. My sister's wedding was tough for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I don't find this hurt-worthy. If I am understanding correctly, your sister is suggesting that maybe you and your daughter could sit at the table with the rest of your family rather than at the bridal table. You are still a bride's maid, right? This doesn't seems like something to be hurt by. It actually seems like good sense to me. You have a pack of kids and she's thinking maybe you would rather sit with them and be able to supervise them than sit at the bridal table. I know I would rather do that. In fact, now that I think about it, that's exactly what I did when my sister was married. I sat with my family and my nephew. I actually have no memory of who sat at the bridal table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulieH Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I think it sounds just fine. I don't know you or your family dynamic, but I wouldn't get that at all from the email. Nowadays, they don't have the big head tables anyway like they used to. I've been to many weddings where it was just the bride and groom. My cousin recently had a very fancy shmancy wedding with her two sisters in it and they both sat at their own tables with their own families and didn't give it a second thought. Please lighten up (meant kindly and not intended to be snarky in any way), and enjoy the special day! Planning a wedding and seating and all that is a great big PIA...sit with your kids and ENJOY the reception! :001_smile: Me, who if I could go back and do it over probably would have eloped..LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I don't know your family dynamic, but I would be careful not to take offense if none is intended. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Yeah. Let it go. It doesn't sound like she meant any hurt to you and was trying to arrange the table the way that makes the most sense. Sometimes, you just can't win in trying to please everybody and I think your Sis is having that happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarenM Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I read it different. If she wanted you to sit at the head table she could have asked, nicely, " do you want to sit with your kids or at the head table" The way she worded it I would have been offended. Maybe she didn't mean it that way but it's just how I would have taken the meaning to be Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 I read it as simply wanting you not to sit at the head table at the reception. For some reason she thinks you would want to sit at a different table. I don't see her logic there, unless your DD has been disruptive or something in her presence and she's worried about that. But since she says nothing about the wedding itself, I assume you and DD are still included in the bridal party ... she just doesn't want you to sit with them at the reception. :confused: Yeah, I would find it kind of hurtful unless I had previously mentioned DD being hard to supervise, wishing to sit with DH, or something along those lines that would be a reason. Is it possible your mom is pressuring her for a seat at the head table and there aren't enough seats because she's already okayed the setup with the caterer or whatever? My dd is significantly better behaved than her cousin, and they get along like a house afire, so I don't think it is that. My mother is the least likely person EVER to pressure for a HT seat, so I am pretty sure it isn't that either. I really feel like suddenly we are not acceptable dinner partners.:confused: :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It sounds like she's just trying to make everything go as smoothly as possible. But if it's bothering you, you could always ask her about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaJo Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Seeing how she worded it, I would not be hurt. Maybe the head table only easily holds a certain amount, and I can see where she'd be thinking you'd like to be with your own family at a table. I agree. Sounds like she is in a spot and she thought you would be the most likely to be reasonable about it. Kind of a compliment really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Who is S? Is that your sister's daughter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I'm thinking that she's just assuming you'd rather be able to help your DH with the rest of your children and therefore you'd rather not be at the head table. I know I'd prefer to be with my DH and children myself! And realistically, when DH was in his sister's wedding, that left me to keep an eye on our 3yo and our 4-month-old by myself, in a place I didn't know. Thankfully, my parents were there and were able to lend me a hand, and DH was with me at the reception, just not the time before the wedding. He would greatly appreciate having my help with the whole crew during a sit-down reception, so maybe that's what your sister is thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It would depend on how you and your sister get along, and the family dynamics. It could be taken both ways. Maybe she just thought you'd want to sit with your kids? I'm not sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 Who is S? Is that your sister's daughter? Yes, my niece. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 My dd is significantly better behaved than her cousin, and they get along like a house afire, so I don't think it is that. My mother is the least likely person EVER to pressure for a HT seat, so I am pretty sure it isn't that either. I really feel like suddenly we are not acceptable dinner partners.:confused: :crying: Maybe she was talking over the arrangements with someone and they said something like, "Don't you think Caitlin will want to sit with her DH and her own kids?" And she thought, "oh, of course, I didn't think of that. And that way S can sit at the head table with me and feel like she's a part of the event. This will work out perfectly! I don't want Caitlin to think I don't want her to sit with us though....how should I word this e-mail? :::hours later::: Okay, hopefully this will come across well." Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 When we got married, back in the day, one of the grooms was already married and had a toddler. We wanted the three of them at the head table too. The hotel was horrified that we wanted a HIGH CHAIR at the head table and gave us no end of grief (who was paying for this anyway?) IOW, the restaurant/caterer could be behind this. I don't think she intended insult, just lacked a bit of tact. Email tends toward that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Originally, she was planning for me and dd AND my niece S all to sit at the HT, and that my mother would sit with dh and my kids to help keep them behaving. I don't see why this is suddenly a better plan. And, yes, my other sister and the other bridesmaid will be up there. So basically, dd and I are not good enough. That is how it feels to me. NB-- I am asking here so that I don't send a "fly off the handle" email response. Edited August 8, 2011 by Caitilin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It sounds as though it was written in a hurry and probably not carefully read over before she sent it. Her wording could have been more diplomatic, but unless she specifically says you're demoted, you're still in the wedding party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 You could say something like: That's okay, we've already talked with the kids and everyone knows what to expect. DD is really excited to be sitting with you and I'm looking forward to getting a chance to spend some time with everyone at the table too. Originally, she was planning for me and dd to sit at the HT, and that my mother would sit with dh and my kids to help keep them behaving. I don't see why this is suddenly a better plan. And, yes, my other sister and the other bridesmaid will be up there. So basically, dd and I are not good enough. That is how it feels to me. NB-- I am asking here so that I don't send a "fly off the handle" email response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I don't think she just "demoted you from the bridal party." Your daughter is still a flower girl regardless of where she sits at dinner, right? I would assume that your sister is trying to figure out how to get everyone seated, and not worry too much about it. :iagree: Yes, my niece. Sounds more like she doesn't want you to be saddled with wrangling your niece in addition to your own kids. Plus, maybe your mom threw a fit about being at the head table and your sister thought you wouldn't mind sitting with your own family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 You could say something like: That's okay, we've already talked with the kids and everyone knows what to expect. DD is really excited to be sitting with you and I'm looking forward to getting a chance to spend some time with everyone at the table too. I think this response sounds nice. You could also offer to help keep an eye on S at the table. She mentions having S under "Mum's watchful eye". To me, that sounds like an acknowledgement that S will need more supervision than your sister can provide while enjoying her dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Originally, she was planning for me and dd AND my niece S all to sit at the HT, and that my mother would sit with dh and my kids to help keep them behaving. I don't see why this is suddenly a better plan. And, yes, my other sister and the other bridesmaid will be up there. So basically, dd and I are not good enough. That is how it feels to me. NB-- I am asking here so that I don't send a "fly off the handle" email response. It sounds to me like your sister thinks S might need an adult focused on her during the reception and so she wants your mom to sit at the head table to help S so S's mom (the bride) can focus on her reception. This seems entirely rational to me. And since there is limited room at the head table, someone needs to leave to give your mom a seat. And since you would be separated from your husband and kids if you sat at the head table, you seem the most logical choice to switch? Do the other women in the bridal party have kids who will be at the reception? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Well, I'd be thinking, "Thank goodness!" It's not all that fun to sit at the head table. Too many people taking pics, pointing and looking. And I would personally much rather sit with my own family. There are many decisions a bride has to make, trying not to hurt feelings here and there. She is probably nervous about your response. Just be a gracious person and let it go, and assure her that you are happy with whatever seating arrangements she thinks best. Anyway, that's how I would handle it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Could it also be maybe your mom didn't want to spend the reception of her daughter's wedding helping your dh watch your kids? I don't think the email sounds rude. It just seems like your sister is trying to find the best place for everyone to sit. I wouldn't say anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Originally, she was planning for me and dd AND my niece S all to sit at the HT, and that my mother would sit with dh and my kids to help keep them behaving. I don't see why this is suddenly a better plan. And, yes, my other sister and the other bridesmaid will be up there. So basically, dd and I are not good enough. That is how it feels to me. NB-- I am asking here so that I don't send a "fly off the handle" email response. Hey Sis, I know you have a lot on your plate. Wedding planning can be a serious headache. I want to help however I can and not add to your stress.at.all. I confess that it feels kind of like a demotion being moved from the head table. I really think mum will be fine helping dh with the other kiddos as originally planned. I know my dd would love to be up there with cuz, being part of the action and of course I will make it my mission to keep the two of them in line so you can enjoy your big day. But I'll do whatever makes it easier for you. Just wondering why the change? It's a little disappointing. Love, Sis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 NB-- I am asking here so that I don't send a "fly off the handle" email response. Goodness, I hope not! If it's still upsetting you, then just talk to her about it calmly and rationally and without a lot of drama. There's no call for flying off the handle at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 Hey Sis,I know you have a lot on your plate. Wedding planning can be a serious headache. I want to help however I can and not add to your stress.at.all. I confess that it feels kind of like a demotion being moved from the head table. I really think mum will be fine helping dh with the other kiddos as originally planned. I know my dd would love to be up there with cuz, being part of the action and of course I will make it my mission to keep the two of them in line so you can enjoy your big day. But I'll do whatever makes it easier for you. Just wondering why the change? It's a little disappointing. Love, Sis I want to be like you when I grow up. :001_smile: Perhaps I can send a variation on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) I don't know, then. If you and your DD really want to sit at the head table, I might reply with something like "DD assumed she would be sitting at the head table since she's in the wedding party, and to tell you the truth, we were looking forward to the whole experience. But if there is some reason mom should be there instead of me, we'll step aside for that." Now, it's her wedding, so if she comes up with a reason I'd accept it. She could have a head table and fill it with monkeys while the bridal party sat on beanbag chairs if she wanted, and I wouldn't argue the point. It wouldn't be tactful, but it's her wedding and she can do what she wants. The most likely reason is that S now wants to be in the wedding or someone is giving her grief about including/not including S, but it's too late to create a role, so she's appeasing her with a seat at the head table. But she can't just move your DD and replace her with S, so she's going to move both of you with the reasoning "your family can be together". (ETA: Huh. Now I see that S was supposed to sit at the head table all along. That's definitely confusing.) I'm sorry this is hurtful. I wasn't included in my best friend's wedding because she didn't think I could afford the bridesmaid's dress she wanted. To tell the truth, I would have scrimped and saved for a year if necessary because I love her, but she didn't want to embarrass me by asking about money. I had to sit way across the room and listen to her maid of honor (a work acquaintance of a whole six months, when we've known each other 24 years) mispronounce her new DH's name. I still haven't entirely gotten over that. Weddings are weird things and feelings are often hurt. :grouphug: Edited August 8, 2011 by SunD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I was just doing some math. Your family - if everyone in your sig line attends - makes a full table of 8. Remove you and your dd, that leaves two seats. Maybe the seating availability is such that she needs those seats for other guests, and cannot come up with a pair of two that would be a good match for a table of children/youth. I think it is perfectly logical that those two seats be occupied by you and your dd, creating a complete table of 8. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 :grouphug: weddings are complicated. fwiw, you might try a "in 10 years, will it matter more that i was gracious or that dear sister and i had a disagreement over where i sat?" if it helps, i differ to the rule "i'll be with dh whenever possible". weddings can be lovely for a couple to share. life is too short to sweat the small stuff. where i sit for two hours of my life is small stuff in my books. here's another saying we have in our family: "its not about who "x" is, its about who "we" are. i would definitely vote for embracing the chance to be a family together with dh and all dc, and being in a position to take great pictures and making space for niece and mother. fwiw, ann eta: i just noticed you asked if you were wrong. for me, its not a right or wrong..... its a question of which response shows the greatest love towards your sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 The way I read this it seems she thought you would enjoy sitting and eating with your family. When I married we had our parents and grandmothers (no living grandfathers) sit at the head table so members of our party could sit with their spouses/significant others. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I would be offended by the dress remark, but not the seating. I have seen a lot of married w/ kids members of bridal parties sitting w/ their families. It's pretty common, and does make more sense. If it bothers you, tell her that mom can sit w/ your family but you prefer the head table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Sounds practical, not insulting. Personally, I've always hated the head table tradition of not seating husbands/wives together, and even more so if there are children to consider. I also think there are other things at play here, such as whether maybe your sister didn't want your mom to have to try and keep an eye on your kids during the reception. No matter how well-behaved you believe your children will be, it probably feels like a big responsibility to other people, and it probably *will* go more smoothly with you on hand. You have complete control over how you think about this. I'd choose not to be offended, even if (by some chance) offense were intended. Really, what good can come from you thinking about it that way? You can instead "take the high road." Be more polite & kind than you believe she is being, say nothing, and make a point of enjoying the evening and your part in adding to the day. In my experience, I've never been sorry for attributing nice motives to someone, even if I find later that insult was intended. I'm a better, richer person for looking for the good rather than the bad, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Well, I'd be thinking, "Thank goodness!" It's not all that fun to sit at the head table. Too many people taking pics, pointing and looking. And I would personally much rather sit with my own family. :iagree: (If I could have gotten away with it, I would have seated myself at another table for my own wedding!;)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I would be offended by the dress remark, but not the seating. I have seen a lot of married w/ kids members of bridal parties sitting w/ their families. It's pretty common, and does make more sense. If it bothers you, tell her that mom can sit w/ your family but you prefer the head table. But the others are sitting at the head table. Only the OP has been directed to sit elsewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvToRead Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 :iagree: (If I could have gotten away with it, I would have seated myself at another table for my own wedding!;)) This is what my sister did. She and my BIL sat at a sweetheart table, which is just a table for the bride and groom. Very sweet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 But the others are sitting at the head table. Only the OP has been directed to sit elsewhere. This is the crux of it, for me. My other sister and the other bridesmaid are both married, and the other bridesmaid has kids too. But only I need not sit there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I would be relieved to be sitting with my family and thankful that my mother would get a chance to be seated in the middle of the action. I think the seating is reasonable and not at all a demotion. Plus, it would seem strange to have the mother of the bride on babysitting duty with your family while you are at the head table. (This kind of stuff is why I never wanted, and did not have, a wedding.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I would not be offended. I would rather sit with my dh and kids, but perhaps I am not savvy about the honor of sitting at the head table? Is it a desire to be closer to your sister and her new husband? Will there be other chances to mingle? Are there special photos taken of the head table and you would be left out of the photo album? PLEASE understand, I am not trying to mock people who find this important. I sincerely, would rather sit in a family grouping. I hope you have a great time at the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Are the groom's parents sitting at the head table? Is father of the bride sitting at the head table? I know some receptions include the parents and some don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I don't find this hurt-worthy. If I am understanding correctly, your sister is suggesting that maybe you and your daughter could sit at the table with the rest of your family rather than at the bridal table. You are still a bride's maid, right? This doesn't seems like something to be hurt by. It actually seems like good sense to me. You have a pack of kids and she's thinking maybe you would rather sit with them and be able to supervise them than sit at the bridal table. I know I would rather do that. In fact, now that I think about it, that's exactly what I did when my sister was married. I sat with my family and my nephew. I actually have no memory of who sat at the bridal table. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 But the others are sitting at the head table. Only the OP has been directed to sit elsewhere. Yes, so she can sit with the rest of her family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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