Avila Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Yes, your friend is handling it very well. But she is not his parent. You and your dh are. You need to step up to the plate, get him home by whatever means, and deal with the problem. Your son needs to know that you take this seriously. He needs the help he can get at home through counseling. And he needs to know that you can't do what he did and continue to enjoy a nice vacation. :iagree: I can't imagine leaving a friend to deal with the consequences of this. And leaving him on the trip sends the wrong message to him too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 You have a good friend (s) in the family he is traveling with and I suspect he WILL listen to them maybe more than his own family. The dad coming down on him was a blessing, as you said, and your ds just might be in a listening mode now and learn a few things along the way like how to make restitution and how hurt this makes people. Teens can be very self-centered as we all know. If your friend isn't ready to drop kick him home then let it play out. When you talk with him, you can be clear on how his life will change at home as a result of his behavior ;), but I vote to let them mold him a little more. Again, these are wonderful people, your friends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 3 things:1) Send him home right now on the bus. He doesn't deserve a cushy plane ride. 2) Start calling around today for recommendations for a family counselor. Get an appointment immediately. Commit to going AS A FAMILY. 3) Keep an eagle eye on him. Put him on a metaphorical leash. When one person in a family has a problem, the family has a problem. Family problems can only be solved as a family unit. This may not be what you envisioned, but it is your reality. You are not alone. Families deal with things like this all the time. A professional will help you work through it together. :iagree: I would really bring him home despite the friend's reassurances. You need to deal with this and the consequences for the theft and betraying everyone's trust should be huge. This should be your call. Don't leave it to your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I'd say that said son has lost ALL privileges for an undertermined amount of time. He'd be within my sight and not be allowed to do anything that wasn't overseen with an eagle eye. It would take quite a bit of time for him to regain my trust. And maybe a talk with a police officer/ parole officer type person would shake him up a bit. How exhausting for you. I'm so sorry. Can you afford to pay for a ticket to put this kid on an airplane home so the rest of the travelers can enjoy their trip? More ideal would be for you or DH to fly out to them, pick up said kid and escort him home. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) I would fly him home ASAP then have him work the rest of the year (or whatever) to pay for the flight. It's unfair for everyone else to have to cut the trip short and if he really is not remorseful, it will just be more satisfying to him to ruin everyone's trip. Hugs and prayers, first. :iagree:100%. It would be wrong for your friend to have to come home early. And a reward for bad behavior to allow your son to stay, even if she is okay with keeping him. Even if I had to put it on credit, and pay it off over a few months, I would fly my child home in this situation. If I didn't trust him in the airport, I'd add the expense of either dh or I going to get him. Edited July 11, 2011 by CathieC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 3 things:1) Send him home right now on the bus. He doesn't deserve a cushy plane ride. Ugh.... too many places to get off and not get back on so you don't have to go home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 One thing I'd absolutely NOT do is reward the boy for his behavior by allowing him to continue on the trip. Perhaps just as importantly, I wouldn't want him to be placed in similar situations where he would be tempted to repeat the behavior. That's just not fair to the kid, IMHO. It's pretty clear from what you've shared that the way in which his behaviors are dealt with at home ("very strongly") is not working. You've indicated he has no remorse, and no punishment you dream up seems to change things. So isn't it time to try something different? Forgive my directness, but what he has done is against the law. These families from whom he has stolen electronic equipment do not know him, nor do they know his "problems." They could have easily called the police and had him arrested-- out of state, and without you present. It didn't happen, but it seriously could have. Without some serious intervention, this kind of behavior can (and likely will) escalate to a point where doing chores around the house, while growing more and more angry will not be an option. Again, I"m so sorry you're going through this. astrid The bolded and a few other comments had me wondering. There are some kids for whom frequent strong punishments simply drive them to put up a wall. They pretend they don't care, they get arrogant. When things happen where those strong punishments are deserved then they are less effective because the kid already has a defense against them. I have NO idea if that's the case with the OP and wouldn't want to speculate but shucks, it really does sound like counselling is needed to get to the root of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie75 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I honestly think you would be doing him a huge disservice by not bringing him home as soon as possible. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Getting yelled at by a friend's Dad is not enough. If he is allowed to continue on the trip, something else will most likely happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 The bolded and a few other comments had me wondering. There are some kids for whom frequent strong punishments simply drive them to put up a wall. They pretend they don't care, they get arrogant. When things happen where those strong punishments are deserved then they are less effective because the kid already has a defense against them. I have NO idea if that's the case with the OP and wouldn't want to speculate but shucks, it really does sound like counselling is needed to get to the root of this. :iagree: Disclaimer: I am not an advocate of passive/permissive parenting. With some personality types (usually diagnosable ones), authoritarian type parenting will cause them to turn it around, get angry at the authority figures and stay entrenched in the anger, justifying it in their mind. For example, there is a very real possibility that the Dad mentioned in the OP might have reacted in a way that causes the "re-writing" of the child. That's why I suggest counseling and an evalution, so the OP knows if she is dealing with something "more" than exaggerated adolescence, screen/gaming addiction, or something more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I honestly think you would be doing him a huge disservice by not bringing him home as soon as possible. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Getting yelled at by a friend's Dad is not enough. If he is allowed to continue on the trip, something else will most likely happen. :iagree: Bring him home and get him into therapy. I truly think that is the best thing you can do for him (says a random stranger on the Internet). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Ugh.... too many places to get off and not get back on so you don't have to go home. I was thinking the same thing. I would not put an angry teen with whom I had trust issues on a bus. No way. A non-stop flight would be much, much safer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I was thinking the same thing. I would not put an angry teen with whom I had trust issues on a bus. No way. A non-stop flight would be much, much safer. Most flights aren't non-stop anymore though. For me to fly 2 hours across Lake Michigan (about 300 miles) to Madison, WI I have a 2 hour layover in Detroit. And what is the kid going to do at 14? Get off in Iowa and start a new career? Not knowing the OP's finances, a bus may be the only way to go. If this were my family, this child would not be allowed to finish the trip. No way. Get him home any way the OP can and begin therapy immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I rode the bus from Idaho to Florida. Humbling experience. That's my vote. Yeah, and tomato staking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 And what is the kid going to do at 14? Get off in Iowa and start a new career? 14 year olds don't always think things through. And unfortunately there are 14 year olds out there (boys as well as girls) who "started a new career" in prostitution as a result of running away. I personally am more a fan of a parent going to get him and escorting him home or sending him by plane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kubiac Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Long-term, my thoughts are these: (1) Throw out all his video-game systems and video games and never bring them back in your house again. Seriously. That's it. If he wants to play video games, he needs to grow up, get his own apartment and pay for a video game system and a TV for himself. (2) On a related note, when he turns 15, he needs to get a work permit and a job and his own bank account. Sign him up for Dave Ramsey's homeschool personal finance course. It sounds like needs to learn the value of a dollar, and what it really costs people (you and your friends) to work for their money and to buy stuff. (3) Put him in sports or Scouts or send him to Outward Bound. It sounds like he needs some more exposure to strong male authority figures, if you like that he got that from this experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 P.S. - if this is centered on the computer/video/gaming stuff, then he sounds like he has an addiction. My ds14 has a computer addiction. It causes real changes in the brain (something to do with dopamine levels). And yes, an addict will lie, steal and hurt others to get what he wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 P.S. - if this is centered on the computer/video/gaming stuff, then he sounds like he has an addiction. My ds14 has a computer addiction. It causes real changes in the brain (something to do with dopamine levels). And yes, an addict will lie, steal and hurt others to get what he wants. Jean, I see both sides to the traveling thing. I'm also thinking that a home with 10 kids may not have the luxury of flying a parent across country to bring one errant child home. I don't know this family so I don't know what the safest option is. Imagining my own child alone on a bus makes me slightly sick but I still think I'd do that instead of allowing this child to have fun for 2 more weeks. I do think you're right about the video game addiction possibility too. And if this is a true addiction, this boy needs professional help NOW before he graduates to other addictions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Jean, I see both sides to the traveling thing. I'm also thinking that a home with 10 kids may not have the luxury of flying a parent across country to bring one errant child home. True. It is a hard situation but I think there should be someway to get him home without making the friend come home early. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Jean, I see both sides to the traveling thing. I'm also thinking that a home with 10 kids may not have the luxury of flying a parent across country to bring one errant child home. I don't know this family so I don't know what the safest option is. Imagining my own child alone on a bus makes me slightly sick but I still think I'd do that instead of allowing this child to have fun for 2 more weeks. :iagree: If there have been past issues of running away, I wouldn't do it. But really, is it riskier than flying, if there are layovers? Or riskier than leaving him where he is, or bringing him home? If he wants to run, he can run no matter what, unless he's locked up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamanthaBea Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 What about you (op)? You mentioned that you felt despair, didn't know if you ever should have had children, don't see the point in pouring time and resources into your dc ... not to mention that you have other children to care for and you are pregnant with twins. Honestly, my first thought was to yank that kid home. No way does he deserve a vacation! However, it might be more beneficial for you to take this time while he's still gone to get some help for yourself and perspective on the situation. Not only do you need to get yourself on solid ground, but you also need to research options for how to deal with this once he does get home. Other posters have mentioned police programs, therapy, etc., but it will take time to search out resources and providers in your area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Can I share a story? Remuda mom reminded me of it. When I was... 10? around that age at any rate. I stole some frosting from a small store. Yup, frosting, it taunted me. Anyway, I was caught by the little store owner and they called my parents. My dad, unbeknownst to me, talked to a sheriff for our country (we outside city limits) and made some arrangements. Those arrangements where... 1. Said investigator came out to my house and talked to me. 2. The investigator fingerprinted me. 3.Said investigator had my Dad bring me into the station and then he took me into an interrogation room and questioned me (I remember it he wasn't harsh or anything it was appropriate for my age). By the time it was done I was quaking in my boots and you can bet I have never filched anything from a store again. Ever. Maybe that is something you can arrange with someone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 This is excellent advice. I'd also add that my approach for adolescent BAD behavior involved a combination of very close supervision and working, hard, to improve our relationship. I can't overemphasize the importance of working on your bond with a child like this. Hold Onto Your Kids by Gabor and Mate will give you some excellent ideas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Honestly, my first thought was to yank that kid home. No way does he deserve a vacation! However, it might be more beneficial for you to take this time while he's still gone to get some help for yourself and perspective on the situation. Oh. That's a good point I hadn't thought of as well. There are two parents here though who have some serious discussing to do. I cannot imagine being pregnant with twins and feeling like the OP does. A good long talk (or 5!) with a supportive spouse about this child needs to happen before anyone can know where to put him/what to do. It just feels to me that finishing up this trip would ultimately not be the best thing for this child since this isn't a first incident. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 3 things:1) Send him home right now on the bus. He doesn't deserve a cushy plane ride. 2) Start calling around today for recommendations for a family counselor. Get an appointment immediately. Commit to going AS A FAMILY. 3) Keep an eagle eye on him. Put him on a metaphorical leash. When one person in a family has a problem, the family has a problem. Family problems can only be solved as a family unit. This may not be what you envisioned, but it is your reality. You are not alone. Families deal with things like this all the time. A professional will help you work through it together. :iagree: It sounds like your oldest son is not the only child with some behavioral/emotional issues. It's time to get to the root of this and work on it as a family. It won't go away. If not addressed, the behaviors will most likely escalate. Act now while the issues are still relatively minor (not involving juvenile court/jail time), Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Most flights aren't non-stop anymore though. For me to fly 2 hours across Lake Michigan (about 300 miles) to Madison, WI I have a 2 hour layover in Detroit. And what is the kid going to do at 14? Get off in Iowa and start a new career? Not knowing the OP's finances, a bus may be the only way to go. If this were my family, this child would not be allowed to finish the trip. No way. Get him home any way the OP can and begin therapy immediately. :iagree: But I'm pretty hardline with character issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Long-term, my thoughts are these: (1) Throw out all his video-game systems and video games and never bring them back in your house again. Seriously. That's it. If he wants to play video games, he needs to grow up, get his own apartment and pay for a video game system and a TV for himself. I'm wondering about this. I don't know if my son is addicted or not, but he likes video games WAY too much. I have been tempted many times to just get rid of all of it. But then, I wonder if that will really help him. It would make it easier for me, but I don't doubt that the second he leaves the house he'd go right back to it. Ultimately, he wouldn't be any better off. What I'd like is to figure out how to allow him to play occasionally without being addicted. Maybe that's not possible. Any therapists want to give their .02? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleWMN Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I, personally, would not allow him to stay on the trip. And I would not allow him to ruin everyone else's fun. He committed a crime and I'd treat it as such. I'd bring him home asap, and as I mentioned before, he would work towards paying for his ticket home. And I would definitely get the family into counseling. There are places with a sliding scale, if finances are a concern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I'm wondering about this. I don't know if my son is addicted or not, but he likes video games WAY too much. I have been tempted many times to just get rid of all of it. But then, I wonder if that will really help him. It would make it easier for me, but I don't doubt that the second he leaves the house he'd go right back to it. Ultimately, he wouldn't be any better off. What I'd like is to figure out how to allow him to play occasionally without being addicted. Maybe that's not possible. Any therapists want to give their .02? What are his symptoms? What limits have you set and how has he reacted? The level of hyperfocus he has determines my advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Are you adverse to "outside" family counseling? Another possibly easy starting point is your pastor/minister/religious leader. He might be able to give you some initial comfort and help you and DH come up with a plan for your family for the next couple of weeks/months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 What are his symptoms? What limits have you set and how has he reacted? The level of hyperfocus he has determines my advice. It's a long story and there are some other issues. Can I pm you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 It's a long story and there are some other issues. Can I pm you? Of course. I will be off my phone and back to work in about an hour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 What about you (op)? You mentioned that you felt despair, didn't know if you ever should have had children, don't see the point in pouring time and resources into your dc ... not to mention that you have other children to care for and you are pregnant with twins. Honestly, my first thought was to yank that kid home. No way does he deserve a vacation! However, it might be more beneficial for you to take this time while he's still gone to get some help for yourself and perspective on the situation. Not only do you need to get yourself on solid ground, but you also need to research options for how to deal with this once he does get home. Other posters have mentioned police programs, therapy, etc., but it will take time to search out resources and providers in your area. Yes. This. Get yourself on solid ground. Considering what your husband put you through several weeks ago, plus this, plus feeling such despair. It seems as if you are crying out for help that you need to get from professionals IRL. This board can only really advise and pray. ANd I'll be praying for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Just wanted to add :grouphug:. As difficult as this is, his life is not over. In 10 or 20 or 30 years, we'll pray that you can look back on this time and see all the ways God has been graciously working in ds's life and in the life of your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) I'm wondering about this. I don't know if my son is addicted or not, but he likes video games WAY too much. I have been tempted many times to just get rid of all of it. But then, I wonder if that will really help him. It would make it easier for me, but I don't doubt that the second he leaves the house he'd go right back to it. Ultimately, he wouldn't be any better off. What I'd like is to figure out how to allow him to play occasionally without being addicted. Maybe that's not possible. Any therapists want to give their .02? It depends on if it is a true addiction with true disruption of his brain. My son is addicted but it isn't to every single thing on a computer. He can do wordprocessing and graphics programs etc. just fine. He can do some games like Solitaire and Mahjonng. He cannot do first person shooter games. It revs up his adrenalin, and gives him a high that makes him want to do more and more. It makes him go into rages - not just when kept from playing but just in general because of what's going on with the high. Now that he's had time to detox, so to speak, my son understands his addiction. We've read material on it together. He knows what it does to him and how it makes him feel out of control. He understands when I tell him that his brain can't handle those games right now, and perhaps forever. I'm hoping that as his brain matures, that he will be able to handle some in moderation. I don't know if that will be the case. The pull for him to do first shooter's is so strong, that I've had to disable all internet on his computer (he'd sneak on during school). He wanted to obey and stay off, but as long as he had the means, the addiction's pull was too strong. Edited July 11, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Ugh.... too many places to get off and not get back on so you don't have to go home. So a parent can fly out and accompany the kid back on a bus if that's a concern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 :iagree: But I'm pretty hardline with character issues. So am I, Carol. I'm in the camp that says we do no one a favour when we let them get away with or give rewards for behaviour that is clearly wrong. It is called enabling. IMO, a plane ride is too good, too fun (and too expensive!) for this kind of behaviour. And, I can't reiterate enough the importance of FAMILY counseling for this issue. It can't just be this one son going to counseling. It is a FAMILY issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 So am I, Carol. I'm in the camp that says we do no one a favour when we let them get away with or give rewards for behaviour that is clearly wrong. It is called enabling. IMO, a plane ride is too good, too fun (and too expensive!) for this kind of behaviour. And, I can't reiterate enough the importance of FAMILY counseling for this issue. It can't just be this one son going to counseling. It is a FAMILY issue. I'm with you again. (We can just follow each other around this thread with the "I Agree" smiley.;)) I'm thinking a long ride on a Greyhound bus with the air conditioning broken sitting next to some random strangers who haven't bathed in days would not be such a bad thing. I agree, this is a family issue. Many people (not attributing this to the OP at all, just to be clear) think that things will go away, kids will grow out of these types of behaviors, etc. Sometimes they do, but character issues need to be addressed and not glossed over. (Again, not saying that the OP is doing this - she is obviously very concerned and trying to seek out advice on how to handle the situation.) If I had a nickel for every family I have worked with who quit counseling prematurely because they overestimated their ability to manage things and underestimated what was at stake with their teens, I could retire, so to speak. They did seek out help, though, which takes a certain amount of courage and/or desperation. OP, I think you sound like a caring mom. Although some of our suggestions may sound extreme, they are coming from a place of experience and/or objectivity. In your shoes, it would be very difficult to be objective. I sincerely hope you are able to find the help which your son and your family needs.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I, personally, would not allow him to stay on the trip. And I would not allow him to ruin everyone else's fun. He committed a crime and I'd treat it as such. I'd bring him home asap, and as I mentioned before, he would work towards paying for his ticket home. And I would definitely get the family into counseling. There are places with a sliding scale, if finances are a concern. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 :iagree: Disclaimer: I am not an advocate of passive/permissive parenting. Me neither. Hope nobody thinks we're pushing that idea. In our house we're not authoritarian or very strict. We are increasingly (it's been a journey) disciplined and consistent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I would Bring him home ASAP, this is your families "matter" you should be meting out the punishment. I would never allow another adult to punish my child. I would suggest Individual and family counseling, so you all learn how to overcome the issues and deal with the problems, because just like PP said, it's about more then the "stuff" he stole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Can you afford to pay for a ticket to put this kid on an airplane home so the rest of the travelers can enjoy their trip? More ideal would be for you or DH to fly out to them, pick up said kid and escort him home. :iagree:I'd say there is no way you can afford NOT to do this. Airfare is generally under $300 from most places, likely under $200 for one way. Your son needs to be home, to be dealt with in the family. Your friend needs to be freed from responsibility for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I'm with you again. (We can just follow each other around this thread with the "I Agree" smiley.;)) I'm thinking a long ride on a Greyhound bus with the air conditioning broken sitting next to some random strangers who haven't bathed in days would not be such a bad thing. I agree, this is a family issue. Many people (not attributing this to the OP at all, just to be clear) think that things will go away, kids will grow out of these types of behaviors, etc. Sometimes they do, but character issues need to be addressed and not glossed over. (Again, not saying that the OP is doing this - she is obviously very concerned and trying to seek out advice on how to handle the situation.) If I had a nickel for every family I have worked with who quit counseling prematurely because they overestimated their ability to manage things and underestimated what was at stake with their teens, I could retire, so to speak. They did seek out help, though, which takes a certain amount of courage and/or desperation. OP, I think you sound like a caring mom. Although some of our suggestions may sound extreme, they are coming from a place of experience and/or objectivity. In your shoes, it would be very difficult to be objective. I sincerely hope you are able to find the help which your son and your family needs.:grouphug: :iagree: again. I think one part of the problem with seeking counseling is that there is a social stigma about it, and people are afraid others will see them in a less than flattering light if they seek counseling. It SHOULD be the opposite -- that seeking counseling is a sign of concern and a desire and action toward a healthy family. Mental health gets an undeservedly bad rep in our culture. It just shouldn't be that way. When someone breaks a limb or gets cancer, we don't frown at them and judge them for seeing a physician to get a cast or chemo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 :iagree:I'd say there is no way you can afford NOT to do this. Airfare is generally under $300 from most places, likely under $200 for one way. Your son needs to be home, to be dealt with in the family. Your friend needs to be freed from responsibility for him. If you find some that cheap, I want them, lol. To fly one-way from here to my parents on the generally cheap Southwest tomorrow would be $295 one-way for the cheapest option. To fly from here to Florida one-way on the cheapest option for Southwest is $414 (Web only special price!). We can't afford to fly anywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Can you afford to pay for a ticket to put this kid on an airplane home so the rest of the travelers can enjoy their trip? More ideal would be for you or DH to fly out to them, pick up said kid and escort him home. I was wondering this too. And then put him to work to earn the cost of the trip, either by working it off for you or by earning money doing work for others. And, because this is an ongoing problem, counseling of some sort. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Can you afford to pay for a ticket to put this kid on an airplane home so the rest of the travelers can enjoy their trip? More ideal would be for you or DH to fly out to them, pick up said kid and escort him home. :iagree:with this totally. Why should the rest be penalized because of his behavior. Even if you have to put it on a credit card and he gets to pay it off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Can you afford to pay for a ticket to put this kid on an airplane home so the rest of the travelers can enjoy their trip? More ideal would be for you or DH to fly out to them, pick up said kid and escort him home. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well, there's no use in worrying about whether or not you should have had children. Apparently something went wrong, or is going wrong or whatever. Why not family counseling? I argree with Remudamom. And you're expecting #'s 10 and 11, correct? That's a handful by anyone's estimation. I'd strongly suggest family counseling. He's the oldest, right? Perhaps there are some sibling issues going on....I don't know. But I do know he is not modeling great behavior for your younger children. Please, get your family into some great counseling. :grouphug: Peace and hugs, astrid :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well, there's no use in worrying about whether or not you should have had children. Apparently something went wrong, or is going wrong or whatever. Why not family counseling? :iagree: If there are multiple children having issues, I would examine what is causing that..in family therapy. Your son also needs individual therapy. Lack of empathy in anyone, especially a boy, is scary. I would get him home right away, even if it cost me a ton. It isn't fair for others to suffer. It also sends a message to your son. I would go in and strip his room of everything enjoyable and leave him with enough to sleep on, a book and some clothes. I mean totally strip it. He can earn those things back through good behavior and working to pay off the debt that he owes for stealing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I trust my friend completely and after talking with her this morning feel she is handling the situation very well. She has asked me to reconsider sending my ds home, to let them finish out the trip as planned. I don't know what to do... Sounds terrible, doesn't it? The behavior problems are things my dc exhibit at home and we deal with very strongly. My dds respond well (although that doesn't mean they don't repeat the behaviors, unfortunately, but they are learning to handle themselves better...slowly). My ds has not exhibited this deceit (at least that I know of) in a while so this was shocking to everyone. From what my friend says things have gone extremely well 99% of the trip. Yes, there were times of pouting and self-centeredness which she dealt with. I'm thankful that she of all people has seen these behaviors in my dc because I trust her wisdom and my dc adore her and respond to her well. I feel my dc (especially my girls) needed someone outside of myself/dh to see what they do and address it. But my ds...well, like I said, this was a huge shock and disappointment that has rocked all of us. You have a nice friend! Do not allow him to finish out this trip. That is a reward. I don't mean to be harsh here but it's time to take control of the situation as parents. She's not his parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitworth Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) I agree with the others who suggested family counseling. If it were my child, the first person I would question is myself. I am far from a perfect parent; I've made many mistakes. "What can I do better?" " How have I failed?" would be some the first questions I would consider. Some children do not respond well to what they perceive as an authoritarian relationship. I know I didn't. I was inquisitive and artistic and was raised in an environment where honest query was viewed as a rebellious challenge to authority. This is but one scenario, and of course we are all different, but I believe honest, humble, open family discussions with a good therapist would yield positive results. Edited July 12, 2011 by Whitworth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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