mommymilkies Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Nope, if you can't trust them to give her her medicine in a timely manner you shouldn't let her go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Absolutely not. I think what would bother me the most is that they are getting drunk and have left the kids with strangers. That is a very dangerous position. Not including the other children is rude but the other is just plain unsafe. I wouldn't let her go again. Blessings, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Favortism aside, does not sound like a situation I would send my dc into...:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I don't think it is preferential treatment. I think they are looking for a playmate for their child, and that's it. The other issues (safety, medical care, etc) are important, of course. If you truly don't feel comfortable with them supervising your child, then, of course, don't do it. But, that has nothing to do with preferential treatment. (And, know that you're going to have to stick to this kid-not-safe argument over the long haul, as the inlaws will likely not forgive/forget such an insult quickly. . . so, if you don't mean it, don't say it!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kipling Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I can understand the preferential treatment - she is the same age and gender as her cousin. It's like inviting a school friend to come along. I don't think it says anything against your other children. That being said, I would not let her go with them again. The situation that you described would make me very uncomfortable. I would not let my child go with people who will smoke and drink around her, leave her with people I don't know, and don't see to her specific health needs. The attitude thing would be a big problem for me as well. So for the safety of your child and the sanity of your household, I would find a way to put an end to the trips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I would have stopped these trips a long time ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I have 5 children. The two oldest are my husband's stepchildren, but he has been around in our lives since before they were born and is their only "father". My 3rd child is 6 years old. She has a cousin 6 months older than her that was an only child until March. Last year she was invited to Disney with her cousin. It was free and I was tired and pregnant, so I allowed her to go. We have had some tough times financially, so I knew I would not be able to offer her that opportunity any time soon. Then a couple of months later, they took her to New Orleans on vacation. And then they took her to American Girl in Chicago. And so on and so forth. But they never take any of the other kids or invite them. They only want her because they say she's a "playmate" for their child and so they can entertain each other. Not to speak too harshly about my in-laws, but I am a little uncomfortable with this. They smoke around their daughter and mine which puts me off-I still can't stand it from my mom smoking around me as a child. They get drunk a lot and had left our daughters with my SIL's boyfriend's family (to go out drinking in Florida) which I have *never* met or even knew about until they got back. She is on special medicine for her hypothyroidism and they aren't great at making sure she drinks her water or eats anything healthy, so she comes back with stomach aches and vomiting. And my daughter comes back with a major attitude. Then all of the kids (except baby!) get an attitude because they were not invited any fun places and it's not fair. And I agree. It's NOT fair. My dh does not get this, and my in-laws don't care. My dh thinks I'm overreacting in not allowing her to go to NOLA again soon. WWYD? I would not allow any more extended or unsupervised visits, period. I have highlighted the statements that are reason for this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Putting aside the dangerous crazy stuff (& I agree--no way, no how!)--we've had a much smaller, similar situation. Dh's aunt & uncle have their grand daughter in town a couple of times/yr. They try to get our big kids together to play--cousin is 12, ds is 10, dd is 8--spend the night, whatever. They have a lot of $$ & tend to do (or just plan!) extravagant things. Last year, though, they were taking cousin to an expensive restaurant for her bday & only wanted to invite 8yo along. It was too expensive for them to take both of our bigs but they wanted a playmate for 8yo. 8yo ended up not going--I can't remember why--but it was an uncomfortable situation. 10yo would have understood, but it was still somewhat odd. My point? Even in non-adoptive families this can happen. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I think it's fine that they only invite the child who's the same age/gender as their child. That's to be expected. However, if you can't trust them to take good care of your dd, you can't let her stay with them. I'd make sure your dh and you are on the same page and then just have other plans every time they invite her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 No, you aren't being irrational if you don't let her go. On the other hand, I think you are being a bit irrational if you do let her go. They don't sound like they take very good care of her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyandab Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Good grief...you shouldn't even have to think about this one. No way should you let her go!! Getting drunk??? Leaving her with someone else??? Not giving her her medication???? I wouldn't even let her go to their house alone, let alone go on vacation!! Protect your baby!! I don't care if they're offended or not--go with your gut. Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Yup, I agree with many of the other posters; you've got more than one thing going on. If everything was all wonderful with them as caretakers, I wouldn't feel it was preferential treatment - just a same age buddy as their child and they are just a busier family who likes to go places. That would be a tough thing for the other kids to take, just as it is when the oldest breaks away and has his/her own set of friends, etc, but those things have a way of working themselves out. But the rest of it, the caretaking bit, I wouldn't be comfortable with at all. Maybe that's your out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 My dh thinks I'm overreacting in not allowing her to go to NOLA again soon. WWYD? Smoking inside (including car) would zip if for me, and going out partying as well. The attitude would cap it, the left out other children would put locks and hasps on it, and hubby wouldn't talk me out of it. I would tell him I'm the SAHM who has to deal with the attitude, hurt feelings, and vomiting and THAT would be THAT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 The stepkids part is irrelevant in this case. Some folks socialize with families, some with individual same-age kids. It's just the way things are, and that goes double for a one-kid family. You could see this as them using your dd as a handy playmate (glass half-empty), but it's also nice that your dd is building a relationship with her cousin, which could last a lifetime (glass half-full). The smoking would bother me, but it wouldn't be a deal-breaker since they are family. Leaving the dd with their family while they went out wouldn't be a deal-breaker either, unless I had prior negative impressions of the family; if I didn't trust the cousins to put dd in good hands, I wouldn't trust them to take her that far away in the first place. The attitude part I'd work on by acknowledging everyone's feelings and talking it out. Life isn't fair. HOWEVER - the health issues are a huge deal-breaker for me, and if they haven't been treating your dd appropriately given her health concerns, then I would absolutely not allow the cousins to take her away without me. It's just too much of a risk. AND it's fairly easy to put this policy into action. No need to get into the various issues, you are simply busy during whatever week they're going away, every time they ask. Thank them graciously for the offer, and try to find local opportunities for the girls, and perhaps your other kids, to get together. It doesn't have to be Disney - a day in the park with popsicles can be a great day if your cousins are there too! The good thing is that now that they have two kids, they may be less likely to invite your dd in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I have 5 children. The two oldest are my husband's stepchildren, but he has been around in our lives since before they were born and is their only "father". My 3rd child is 6 years old. She has a cousin 6 months older than her that was an only child until March. Last year she was invited to Disney with her cousin. It was free and I was tired and pregnant, so I allowed her to go. We have had some tough times financially, so I knew I would not be able to offer her that opportunity any time soon. Then a couple of months later, they took her to New Orleans on vacation. And then they took her to American Girl in Chicago. And so on and so forth. But they never take any of the other kids or invite them. They only want her because they say she's a "playmate" for their child and so they can entertain each other. Not to speak too harshly about my in-laws, but I am a little uncomfortable with this. They smoke around their daughter and mine which puts me off-I still can't stand it from my mom smoking around me as a child. They get drunk a lot and had left our daughters with my SIL's boyfriend's family (to go out drinking in Florida) which I have *never* met or even knew about until they got back. She is on special medicine for her hypothyroidism and they aren't great at making sure she drinks her water or eats anything healthy, so she comes back with stomach aches and vomiting. And my daughter comes back with a major attitude. Then all of the kids (except baby!) get an attitude because they were not invited any fun places and it's not fair. And I agree. It's NOT fair. My dh does not get this, and my in-laws don't care. My dh thinks I'm overreacting in not allowing her to go to NOLA again soon. WWYD? You have 5 kids and they are singling out one because she is a playmate for cousin. They do fun things as a family. Expensive things, sounds like... and invite your dd because it's fun to have a friend if you're an only. Technically it's preferential treatment. But I don't think it's wrong or unfair. If you didn't have a dd close in age they would have to hunt down a friend from school or something. They wouldn't necessarily take their other nieces and nephews. I can see getting upset if it were grandparents or if aunt/uncle didn't have kids and wanted to spend time spoiling yours a bit, then yes, they should take turns. If they're wanting a friend for their dd, she fits the bill. If this family weren't related to you, you wouldn't think anything about it. As far as the other gripes, I wouldn't send my dd if I didn't think she was safe and being appropriately cared for and only you can be the judge of that. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I can understand that they only want the one who is their daughter's age, though I think it's a bit insensitive. Seems like they are more in parenting mode than grand-parenting mode. HOWEVER, I would not let her go b/c of the leaving her with strangers thing, and the health thing. No way, no how. Those are serious issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I wouldn't send her due to the medication issues, getting drunk and just not knowing the care she is receiving while the drinking is happening. I wouldn't have so much of a problem with the playmate situation but I would make sure that I did something special that the others kids have wanted to do while the other was away. That way, they might not feel so jealous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristinannie Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 This is a no brainer to me. I would not let her travel with that family. They seem irresponsible and I wouldn't trust them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I can understand them inviting her for their dd to have a friend. But I wouldn't send a 6yo old on multiple vacations without her immediate family. Maybe 1 as a very rare treat. I also wouldnt send her if she kept coming back with a bad attitude, especially if it affected the rest of the family negatively. But above all, I would *never* send her with people who have missed her medicine even one time, not to mention the dehydration, smoking and drinking. This is honestly a no-brainer IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I wouldn't look at it as favoritism. It's a friend for their daughter. Any other children would just be someone that they'd have to entertain. But favoritism isn't what I'd be worried about in this situation. It's all the other things that you mentioned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Second hand smoke is very dangerous. I would not allow a child of mine to travel with or stay with smokers who smoke around them. I would not allow a child of mine to stay with caregivers who drink too much and leave them unattended or in the care of strangers (do they also drive while under the influence?). I agree that this is building ill will in the other children and is unfair. If I had a child with a potentially dangerous medical condition and other caregivers did not tend to that appropriately, I would not let them care for that child any longer. I can understand their point of wanting a traveling companion for their daughter, but I do not think they are providing adequate care for your daughter, and it is causing problems within your own family, so I would end it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Twenty shades of no way no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 They may looking at it as a playmate for their daughter but it's causing strife and perceived favoritism in your family. I would never let one have a life so different from the others. And then the drinking and.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I don't think it is preferential treatment. I think they are looking for a playmate for their child, and that's it. The other issues (safety, medical care, etc) are important, of course. If you truly don't feel comfortable with them supervising your child, then, of course, don't do it. But, that has nothing to do with preferential treatment. (And, know that you're going to have to stick to this kid-not-safe argument over the long haul, as the inlaws will likely not forgive/forget such an insult quickly. . . so, if you don't mean it, don't say it!) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 That's my concern. She is singled out for more than trips, such as gifts, clothes, etc. By the rest of his family and the other kids are becoming very upset. We live in the middle of nowhere and don't have enough money to take the others on a big trip just because my 6 yo is invited For another exclusive trip. That would financially burden us significantly. one trip i was ok with, but every couple of months even has my 3 yo sulking. Dh considers me to be ruining dd's chances of a fun filled life and seeing the country, and so he ignores everything else. Sigh. This is a tough one. I would personally not feel comfortable sending my daughter on a trip with people who I feel are somewhat neglecting her, especially if medically, so that alone - i.e. the additional concerns you voiced in your OP - would likely be a deal breaker for me for future trips until your daughter is old enough to be able to handle those situations on her own. It seems, however, that trips are only a part of a bigger picture here. Personally, I am NOT in the camp that each child should receive exactly the same "amount" of everything (material and not), because they are different and have different and differently intense needs, even different circumstances (in terms of who they associate with, etc.), so "mathematizing" what we afford to our children is not very popular with us. We hope to raise them without resentment and with understanding that all those different situations required different financial treatment. If our child, for example, gets offered an experience we could normally not afford by the virtue of having a friend whose parents wish to take them both (and we had such situations), we do not go out of our way to even provide an equivalent for the other child, because... because that is life, her sister's life, her circumstances, wonderful opportunities for her. She will have some other things and some other opportunities, jealousy is a very negative hurtful sentiment and I would rather work with the child to get over it than try to "equatize" things in some arbitrary fashion. We have always had a stance that our daughters do not have to "share" friends nor experiences with their friends (they are a year apart). In your situation it happens so that her friend is her cousin. However, even I would feel uneasy if those situations were really common and somehow "lifestyle-wise" alienated one child from other children. You only can judge when things get out of line and, being that it is still family, maybe you can directly talk to the parents, with the children being absent of course, and tell them why you feel uneasy about it and that they should maybe cut on offering so many things to your daughter that set her apart from her siblings. I honestly cannot imagine any other way to handle it, because at the point at which the child has already been invited, it is just cruel not to let her go lest somebody else be hurt, IMO - if this really bugs you, you need to prevent your daughter being called or given things that often in the first place. Of course, you can sugarcoat the whole thing, start by how you are grateful to them for the opportunities provided blabla, BUT, that you are still somewhat uneasy about it. I would personally not bring it up the way they feel obligated to include other children ("inviting" them yourself would be rude in my view), but word it the way that you would prefer them to cut a little on your daughter. Then they can take it however they wish, whether in terms of inclusion of other children now and then or really by making it a more rare treat for your daughter. The next best thing, IMO, is for the things to stay the way they are and you independently work with other children to grow out of their resentment. When you think about it, it is almost a character issue (albeit a perfectly understandable one, especially at those ages), so I would address it from that perspective. I would not wish my children to feel "entitled" to the same things that are offered by somebody else, independent of my control, to one of my other children, and to foster negative sentiments about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I don't think it is preferential treatment. I think they are looking for a playmate for their child, and that's it. The other issues (safety, medical care, etc) are important, of course. If you truly don't feel comfortable with them supervising your child, then, of course, don't do it. But, that has nothing to do with preferential treatment. (And, know that you're going to have to stick to this kid-not-safe argument over the long haul, as the inlaws will likely not forgive/forget such an insult quickly. . . so, if you don't mean it, don't say it!) :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Personally, I am NOT in the camp that each child should receive exactly the same "amount" of everything (material and not), because they are different and have different and differently intense needs, even different circumstances (in terms of who they associate with, etc.), so "mathematizing" what we afford to our children is not very popular with us. We hope to raise them without resentment and with understanding that all those different situations required different financial treatment. If our child, for example, gets offered an experience we could normally not afford by the virtue of having a friend whose parents wish to take them both (and we had such situations), we do not go out of our way to even provide an equivalent for the other child, because... because that is life, her sister's life, her circumstances, wonderful opportunities for her. She will have some other things and some other opportunities, jealousy is a very negative hurtful sentiment and I would rather work with the child to get over it than try to "equatize" things in some arbitrary fashion. We have always had a stance that our daughters do not have to "share" friends nor experiences with their friends (they are a year apart). In your situation it happens so that her friend is her cousin. :iagree::iagree: It did take me a while to come to terms with the fact that my children would not all grow up with the same life experiences and opportunities. It really came home to me when I just reflect on the spread between their ages and how they will each spend their formative years in a house getting to know different siblings and developing different relationships with each other. This really did bother me at first thinking that my oldest would be out of the house by the time my youngest was really old enough to start hanging on to childhood memories. :crying: And I see these kinds of trips and opportunities to fall in line the same way. My oldest 3 went to Disney with their grandparents. The others were too young or not born. It's doubtful my parents will be able to do this with my younger ones. That's O.K. Yes, the younger ones can look at the photos of the trip and get a little jealous. That's a character issue. It's not my job to make life fair all the way around. My brother and sister and I were all raised in the same house AND in the same generation with the same 2 parents and our life opportunities have all been different. Some have more than others, just because life happened a certain way. It's O.K. I think childhood is a good time to prepare them for the eventuality that they could land in different socioeconomic classes as adults. And it's O.K. I know my older kids now have to miss out on a few things that my younger kids won't have to miss out just because in this season I've got a lot on my plate and as they start flying out of the nest life will be different. Life is already considerably different. CONSIDERABLY. now that I have live-in babysitters. My littles have almost NEVER been to a grocery store. ;) It's so lovely. Except on the few times they do go, they don't know how to behave. Because I haven't had to train them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcjlkplus3 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I don't think it is preferential treatment. I think they are looking for a playmate for their child, and that's it. The other issues (safety, medical care, etc) are important, of course. If you truly don't feel comfortable with them supervising your child, then, of course, don't do it. But, that has nothing to do with preferential treatment. (And, know that you're going to have to stick to this kid-not-safe argument over the long haul, as the inlaws will likely not forgive/forget such an insult quickly. . . so, if you don't mean it, don't say it!) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HollyBee Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 As with some of the pps, I don't see it as preferential treatment. I'm kinda doing the same thing this summer. My dd really only has one friend in the neighborhood to play with, and she's her best friend also. Said best friend is going out of town for three solid weeks during the summer, so I'm flying my niece here for a week to hang with my dd (they're good buddies--very close to the same age). A big motivation for me to do this is so that I don't have to entertain my dd for three solid weeks. My sister has three other kids and they're all younger. It would significantly increase my workload and stress level to have them all here. None of the others match up age-wise (and buddy-wise, iykwim) with my kids. I adore these kids; I've babysat all 6 at one time on more than one occasion. Having said that, the health and safety issues would be a deal-killer for me. And I'm not one to be super-uptight (we drink around our kids--though we certainly don't get falling-down drunk). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 If anyone left my daughter with someone that I don't know, that person would never EVER be caring for my child again. Ever. Period. That is an absolute deal breaker, a huge violation of the trust you've given them, a complete abdication of their responsibilities. To me, the rest of these issues pale in comparison to that. Though I would also be very upset about her coming home sick from her visits with them, and I wouldn't be too crazy about the smoking either. I think the favoritism is the least of your concerns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxanne23 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) . Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I would tell them it's not a good time, but thanks for the invitation. You listed way more negatives than positives and that is the major consideration for me. I am sure they like the 'playmate', because it sounds like the adults are busy having fun in their own way. It's easier to shoo the kids into a separate room because they have each other. If there is only one child around, that child can spend a lot of time being bored which would cut into the adults plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 My answer would have been no from the start. Having dd around smokers is an absolute deal-breaker for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 The next best thing, IMO, is for the things to stay the way they are and you independently work with other children to grow out of their resentment. When you think about it, it is almost a character issue (albeit a perfectly understandable one, especially at those ages), so I would address it from that perspective. I would not wish my children to feel "entitled" to the same things that are offered by somebody else, independent of my control, to one of my other children, and to foster negative sentiments about it. But how do you help the other children not be resentful? I can understand one trip, but as it's becoming a regular occurrence, it's really, really not fair. It's definitely special treatment. I understand life isn't fair and we can't make everything equal but that's such a HUGE disparity. It's like giving 20 christmas gifts to one child but only 2 to the siblings. It's like giving one child a brand new car but giving the siblings mopeds. I don't see how it can be justified in any way, shape or form. I'm afraid this is an area of parenting that I am not good at. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 But how do you help the other children not be resentful? I can understand one trip, but as it's becoming a regular occurrence, it's really, really not fair. It's definitely special treatment. I understand life isn't fair and we can't make everything equal but that's such a HUGE disparity. It's like giving 20 christmas gifts to one child but only 2 to the siblings. It's like giving one child a brand new car but giving the siblings mopeds. I don't see how it can be justified in any way, shape or form. I'm afraid this is an area of parenting that I am not good at. It begins to look like she should just move in with the other family because they can offer her so much more :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Favortism aside, does not sound like a situation I would send my dc into...:001_huh: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Absolutely not. I think what would bother me the most is that they are getting drunk and have left the kids with strangers. That is a very dangerous position. Not including the other children is rude but the other is just plain unsafe. I wouldn't let her go again. :iagree: I'd be far more focused on the danger of this set up than if I could send more of my kids into this scenario. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I see the preferential treatment is embedded in the fact that this is family. If it were simply the parents of a friend of your dd's, it would be different. I'm struggling to phrase my other feedback. If, indeed, the parents went out to *party*, leaving the children under the care of unknown to you adults, I'd be upset about that model. I would not want my kids observing "party" behavior in adults. If the parents simply went out to enjoy an evening, I'd be less upset. If your dd's diet when with them is actually causing *vomiting*, it's a no brainer. If it's a case of you preference of a more quality diet, I'd be less concerned. The 2nd hand smoke consideration is the same. If they go outside, apart from the kids and home to smoke, no problem. Around and in establishments? No. Transition behavior is common, but I'd start putting more responsibity on my dd to honor known family rules upon re-entry. It sounds like you are fairly critical of this family culture anyway, and that your DH is defensive about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 But how do you help the other children not be resentful? I can understand one trip, but as it's becoming a regular occurrence, it's really, really not fair. It's definitely special treatment. I understand life isn't fair and we can't make everything equal but that's such a HUGE disparity. It's like giving 20 christmas gifts to one child but only 2 to the siblings. It's like giving one child a brand new car but giving the siblings mopeds. I don't see how it can be justified in any way, shape or form. I'm afraid this is an area of parenting that I am not good at. I do not think so - it is not *parents* who are responsible for this situation, but another couple who sees one child as a good playmate for their child. If the parents were doing it, I would absolutely agree with you, but they are not. It amounts to the same as if one of your children had a rich friend - you cannot really expect of the rich family to provide to all of your children the opportunities that one of your children is getting when they are invited to a birthday or a trip. Our children are individuals in addition to being siblings amongst themselves, I do not think it is just to prevent one child from enjoying some situations that they got into as individuals because their siblings might resent it - when it is not immediate family thing, I usually do not consider it inherently problematic. However, in OP's case, I would be inclined to talk to the couple if I felt it was starting to create a tangible lifestyle disparity among children. (Of course, in concrete OP's situation there are many things which would bug me way before these issues, but theoretically speaking.) I admit that I am not sure how exactly to address it with other kids. My daughters "separated" fairly early too, but I somehow feel that things have been evened out on the long run (one missed out on something, the other one on something else, sometimes they were together, etc.), so I have not dealt with that type of resentment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I do not think so - it is not *parents* who are responsible for this situation, but another couple who sees one child as a good playmate for their child. If the parents were doing it, I would absolutely agree with you, but they are not. But the parents are responsible. They are allowing it to happen. It may be hard to start saying 'no' after they've said 'yes' so often, but there is still a choice to be made. It amounts to the same as if one of your children had a rich friend - you cannot really expect of the rich family to provide to all of your children the opportunities that one of your children is getting when they are invited to a birthday or a trip. Our children are individuals in addition to being siblings amongst themselves, I do not think it is just to prevent one child from enjoying some situations that they got into as individuals because their siblings might resent it - when it is not immediate family thing, I usually do not consider it inherently problematic. I just see it differently. It would be nice to be invited on an expensive trip. But to go on trips with them every 2 or 3 months, which is what the OP said, doesn't make sense. One is not obligated to accept every invitation. It isn't about missing just a single opportunity. It's about the fact that it's muliple opportunities. As a parent, I would not allow a rich family to take one of my children on mulitple trips. I wouldn't expect them to take my other children either. But I wouldn't let one of my children live a lifestyle (taking multiple expensive trips) that the rest of my family couldn't enjoy on even a sporadic basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 But I wouldn't let one of my children live a lifestyle (taking multiple expensive trips) that the rest of my family couldn't enjoy on even a sporadic basis. I agree with this. It is hard to say where is the line, but it does become a problem at some point - and if OP feels that has already become a problem (regardless of other more immediate concerns she voiced), I agree that she should find a way to prevent great lifestyle differences between her children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 My sister went on expensive vacations with a friend who was an only child and while I was a little jealous, I was glad that she learned to ski and sail and do things that I never got to do. Even now she is married to a wealthy man and has a wonderful home and I am not jealous, just happy for her. However, she is as sweet as sugar and her attitude was not spoiled by those trips although she did struggle with that a little around the junior high age. I do think that your older children will have to learn to deal with others having more than them at some point. If they went to public school they would see kids with more than they have and have to deal with jealousy there, but I think being happy for others is an important character triat to develop and this is their opportunity, as much as it may hurt short term. It does sound like your dh is going to send her no matter what you say, so hopefully you can focus on having fun with your kids while she is gone. One good thing about being below the poverty level in my childhood is that I learned to make my own fun. Your kids have this chance, and I hope you can help them learn to look at it that way.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I could understand the "favored" status, same age/gender. I would occasionally let her go if it weren't for the fact that they do things that you disagree with. You don't smoke, drink, or leave your children with strangers. You feed here well due to health issues. If they can't care for her in the way she needs to be then I'd say keep her home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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