Mother says she doesn't like her child

[Lady Florida.]

Has anyone seen this?

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/43338319#43338319

 

I'm not sure how I feel about it. Obviously this woman is not alone and there are other mothers out there who feel like this. Maybe this woman speaking out will turn out to be a good thing. But I just find it incredibly sad. Sad that she felt this way to begin with. Sad that she (and her husband if he's in the picture) waited so long to try and find out if the girl had a medical reason for her actions. Sad that the daughter's first 7 years of life were spent feeling not good enough. I am usually able to empathize with others, especially other mothers, but this is one I just can't wrap my head around.

[eight_gregorys]

Oh, dear. I can't imagine feeling chronically disappointed with my child. I do think that children may or may not meet your expectations, but if they don't I wouldn't think there was necessarily something wrong with them. I would question what in the world was wrong with me if I felt that way about my own child.

 

Everyone has a right to feel how they choose, but I can't understand this at all.

[mommaduck]

My mother didn't like me either...but not for the reasons that mother listed. "Doesn't like" is nearly a blaming of the child for whatever reason (in this case, because the child isn't meeting milestones and had problems eating, sleeping, socially, etc; in my case, because I was my father's daughter and not my stepfather's...and I had colic also). Honestly, the feelings are honest ones, but they need help in redirecting them, seeing where they really come from, rather than landing them on the child. JMHO.

 

I think many of us have a child or two that are more frustrating than others, but it generally is a "we love you, but we don't always like what you choose to do, attitude you choose to have, etc" or in the case of the mother in the video, her daughter's health problems are what she shouldn't like, not her daughter. There is a difference and this is the redirecting I'm referring to.

Edited June 9, 2011 by mommaduck

[prairiewindmomma]

I am just so :banghead::cursing: after watching that video.....it really came across as "this child didn't meet my dreams/ideals" and so I'm punishing her emotionally...

 

Ack!

 

This could have been a discussion about grieving having a "different" child...or she could've been more honest about how badly *she* is failing as a mother in loving her daughter, but

 

I am just blown away...

[fairfarmhand]

I read the article in the Salon last weekend.

 

The end of it speaks as to how she had a friend say, "Hey, you are wasting time, hoping your dd will become something else. Why not accept her for WHO SHE IS... You;re her mom. She needs to be able to depend on you"

 

This mom ends up learning to give her daughter space to be who she is destined to be. For whatever reason though it is hard for her to step back and love her dd without trying to "fix" her dd. (ie. make her into someone "better")

 

It seems harsh on the tv segment, but the article is a little better,

 

Here is a link.

http://magazine-directory.com/Redbook.htm

 

It does seem like this mom has horribly unrealistic expectations of what a daughter was supposed to look like and had difficulty letting go of that.

 

Most of us moms do the same thing (unrealistic expectations) but we learn quickly to back off and see what a neat person our children can be.

 

ETA: I couldn't get the link to go directly to the article. I clicked on the Moms and Kids Articles tab at the top of the page and it took me to the page with the link to the article. It is about halfway down the page

Edited June 9, 2011 by fairfarmhand

[2cents]

It sounds like she judged her daughter in overwhelmingly in terms of her own expectations and needs. After the child was 'fixed' then it was better and I can't help but suspect that the discovery of the growth deficiency was used by the mother as an excuse to justify her behavior toward the child. It all sounded just a little too much like something that a narcissist would do. That poor child. :(

[TheAutumnOak]

This story hits home for me not because I feel this way about my boys, but because my mom felt this way about me and has told me on at least a few occasions...It wasn't that I didn't hit the milestones (she said I was intelligent, but that is where it ends with me), I just wasn't who she wanted me to be...And I didn't grow up to be what she wanted me to be either...For a long time I blamed myself for being who I was and causing her difficulty...Now I am just happy to have my life, my DH, and my boys and a new shot at being apart of a family where I am wanted...I'd be lying though if I said it never bothers me the fact that I am not close with my mom...

 

I know that everyone doesn't always like his/her child, but usually it has to do with how the child is behaving at the moment - how the child is treating you...It is very sad to dislike your child just because of who they are...It doesn't surprise me because I lived through it, but it is still very sad...

[Jean in Newcastle]

While there were many disturbing things in her attitude toward her child, she did have a mother's intuitive sense that something was "wrong" with her child and she was proven right. How many times do we tell moms here that their intuition that something is wrong should be honored? I think her sense of something being wrong was masked by her rejection of the child for being "off".

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

This story hits home for me not because I feel this way about my boys, but because my mom felt this way about me and has told me on at least a few occasions...It wasn't that I didn't hit the milestones (she said I was intelligent, but that is where it ends with me), I just wasn't who she wanted me to be...And I didn't grow up to be what she wanted me to be either...For a long time I blamed myself for being who I was and causing her difficulty...Now I am just happy to have my life, my DH, and my boys and a new shot at being apart of a family where I am wanted...I'd be lying though if I said it never bothers me the fact that I am not close with my mom...

 

I know that everyone doesn't always like his/her child, but usually it has to do with how the child is behaving at the moment - how the child is treating you...It is very sad to dislike your child just because of who they are...It doesn't surprise me because I lived through it, but it is still very sad...

 

My goodness. :grouphug:

 

This is going to sound weird coming from a stranger on the intrawebs, but I want to tell you that you give every appearance of rising above this issue with your Mom. You are an adorable, smart, and positive person with an absolutely beautiful family. I believe you that you have chosen to be thankful for your blessings.

[Meriwether]

My goodness. :grouphug:

 

This is going to sound weird coming from a stranger on the intrawebs, but I want to tell you that you give every appearance of rising above this issue with your Mom. You are an adorable, smart, and positive person with an absolutely beautiful family. I believe you that you have chosen to be thankful for your blessings.

:iagree:

[MyBlueLobsters]

You know, sometimes is IS too much to expect your child to reach the developmental milestones....Not everyone is 'just like the books'. You don't think her 7 year old noticed that her mom loved her sister more than her? As a mother of a child with special needs, this story maddened me AND broke my heart all at the same time. This mom is selfish. Plain and simple....SELFISH! Sometimes having a child, especially one who is 'different' means you lay down yourself, your dreams, your expectations for your CHILD. Anyway, the more I type, the madder I am getting...so I'll shut up.:glare:

[actuary]

Watching the video interview with the mother, I empathized with her in the sense that she probably felt like she didn't have anyone to talk to about her feelings at the time - maybe if she had been able to get some counseling or speak to a close friend sooner rather than later it would have helped her?

 

But what really bothered me was some of the tone I guess. It just seemed like she was using the diagnosis as an out, sort of like it made all her earlier behavior okay. And her daughter probably picked up on all the non verbal cues by 7 years old that her mother liked the younger sibling more. Just the way the mother was describing a lot of her earlier feelings toward her daughter - I guess it seemed like she still felt completely justified for her feelings.

 

My heart just breaks for the daughter - at least the mother remained anonymous. It was weird when Ann Curry was saying oh these feelings are so taboo, that the woman felt like she had to remain anonymous - at least the editor jumped in and explained that it was primarily to protect the child.

 

To me, with mental illness, you need to recognize the people you've hurt along the way. I know I broke my parents' hearts a lot and it pains me that they felt helpless as I suffered. Even though it wasn't my fault in the sense that I could have prevented it, I still care about what happened and feel feel sad about it. I mean I've moved past it, but it's not like I'm emotionless. I guess that's what seemed kind of off - she didn't acknowledge at any time the hurt and pain she might have caused her daughter (or at least I didn't hear her acknowledge it). But it wasn't a long interview they showed so maybe they cut that part out?

[kathkath]

Oh my, since when is parenting a consumer activity?

[SweetBean]

I am just so :banghead::cursing: after watching that video.....it really came across as "this child didn't meet my dreams/ideals" and so I'm punishing her emotionally...

 

Ack!

 

This could have been a discussion about grieving having a "different" child...or she could've been more honest about how badly *she* is failing as a mother in loving her daughter, but

 

I am just blown away...

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Children aren't trophies.

[Trish]

Nice that the daughter didn't get the Mother That Everyone Hopes For, but, accepts and loves her anyway. Maybe the mother will be able to hit some of those "I'm the mom of a teen-aged girl" milestones that she missed early on.

 

Heh.

[pdalley]

This story hits home for me not because I feel this way about my boys, but because my mom felt this way about me and has told me on at least a few occasions...It wasn't that I didn't hit the milestones (she said I was intelligent, but that is where it ends with me), I just wasn't who she wanted me to be...And I didn't grow up to be what she wanted me to be either...For a long time I blamed myself for being who I was and causing her difficulty...Now I am just happy to have my life, my DH, and my boys and a new shot at being apart of a family where I am wanted...I'd be lying though if I said it never bothers me the fact that I am not close with my mom...

 

I know that everyone doesn't always like his/her child, but usually it has to do with how the child is behaving at the moment - how the child is treating you...It is very sad to dislike your child just because of who they are...It doesn't surprise me because I lived through it, but it is still very sad...

 

 

:grouphug:

 

I had much the same experience. It hurts and it leaves scars. And like you I just decided to quit worrying about that and enjoy life as it is now and it is awesome most of the time.:001_smile:

 

My mother has gotten better as she's gotten older. But I made a vow to never say those types of things to my boys. I love that they are my little snowflakes.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I read the Redbook article before I saw this. I try to understand how hard it is for the mother to come out and talk about this and not be judgmental. But I can't help it. There is so much about this that just bugs me. I agree that it is really more the case that the mother had in her mind what a perfect child is, and she didn't get it, so she figured she didn't have to try very hard. I hate that they are trying to show how "brave" this mother is for telling the truth. The brave thing to do would have been to grow up and accept her child for who she was.

 

And if she didn't "like" her first child what in the world would compel her to go on and have another?

 

I don't have teenagers yet, but I can possibly imagine a time when they will make bad decisions and I will not like them. They may be little jerks. But I would like to think I would still love them, and any dislike I feel would be temporary and based on their bad decisions, not who they are as people. So how could you NOT love a baby? (I know they say she didn't like her child but it really seems she didn't love her child).

 

Maybe it just hit a nerve with me as a quiet person. My older sister is very outgoing and she just doesn't get it sometimes. I take my time, I think things out before I speak, and if I feel it is worth sharing, I do. I know a mother who is very outspoken and while I think she likes her introverted daughter enough, she forced her to do pageants to help her be more outgoing. Why? Why can't she just be a quiet kid? Why do so many outgoing people assume you have a deficiency just because you don't spew every thought that pops into your head?

[SquirrellyMama]

Come on, to be fair, she wasn't burning her child with cigarettes and locking her into a closet for hours. That's far worse than admitting some disappointment for thinking things would be different than they ended up being. I honestly think in some years this mother will love and LIKE her child. I don't feel like she gave up and is ready to drop her off at an orphanage. Maybe the mother herself has a hormonal problem that makes it difficult for her to connect with people as well. Ya never know.

 

:iagree: I can't feel the judgment and disgust for this woman that others feel. I know how many mistakes I make and really feel a lot of sympathy for her. She came out with it and I hope others can be helped by the story. At least know that they aren't alone.

 

Kelly

[WishboneDawn]

:iagree: I can't feel the judgment and disgust for this woman that others feel. I know how many mistakes I make and really feel a lot of sympathy for her. She came out with it and I hope others can be helped by the story. At least know that they aren't alone.

 

Kelly

:iagree:

 

Motherhood has it's dark moments; it's not all a Mr. Clean commercial. I wish there was more space to talk about them without people rushing to tell you how horrified they are what what you should have felt/done.

[MyBlueLobsters]

:iagree:

 

Motherhood has it's dark moments; it's not all a Mr. Clean commercial. I wish there was more space to talk about them without people rushing to tell you how horrified they are what what you should have felt/done.

 

In my opinion, having 'bad Mommy moments' is totally different than what is happening in this story. Yes, I am horrified at the way she has treated her daughter, for the REASONS she treated her daughter this way. Hey, I'll be the first to admit that seeing my son's (who has Down syndrome) peers pass him up hurt. It still hurts to see him try to hard and not be able to do something. I'm sure it will hurt forever, to a degree. Does that mean I chose not to like him-- Because he didn't reach his milestones? He can't speak to me and tell me who he played with on the playground. But for pete's sake, I still like him. I love him like crazy! He's just a fun guy! I still hold to my initial thought that this mom is just selfish and embarrassed and I feel badly for her daughter. She said "I don't think it's too much to expect your child to reach the milestones" My response is "Well, sorry darlin' sometimes, yes it is...."

[Snickerdoodle]

I can totally imagine a scenario where a baby and mother don't connect due to an organic problem with either the mother or child.

 

I did not watch the video or read any news regarding the particular family in the OP.

[MyBlueLobsters]

I don't know. It's television. The story might not truly be THAT interesting and so they are emphasizing something that isn't as serious as it sounds. So she doesn't always like her kid or what her kid does. Seriously, that is rare? I doubt it.

 

I met a woman with a child who is severely autistic. She cannot communicate with her child. Her child's bedroom is an empty room with a mattress and a lock on the door because he has hurt himself climbing furniture and throwing stuff and taking off in the middle of the night. They cannot go anywhere as a family nor live anything that resembles a normal life. I am pretty sure she has a lot of moments of not liking her child. I think it's human to not like something when it is that oppressive. This doesn't mean these women don't love their children.

 

I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I'm also not saying that I would find it horrible in every situation. However, in *this* situation, based on what this mom said, or at least the part that was aired, it's horrible. JMO, I know all won't and don't agree.

[TheAutumnOak]

:grouphug:

 

I had much the same experience. It hurts and it leaves scars. And like you I just decided to quit worrying about that and enjoy life as it is now and it is awesome most of the time.:001_smile:

 

My mother has gotten better as she's gotten older. But I made a vow to never say those types of things to my boys. I love that they are my little snowflakes.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[OH_Homeschooler]

I don't know. It's television. The story might not truly be THAT interesting and so they are emphasizing something that isn't as serious as it sounds. So she doesn't always like her kid or what her kid does. Seriously, that is rare? I doubt it.

 

But I also read the Redbook article and it went into a lot more depth than this T.V. clip. I feel the T.V. show went easy on her, they did not overdramatize the situation at all.

 

Seriously, she didn't just dislike her kid sometimes, it was just her general being that annoyed her. She saw her child as weak and she had hoped for a more outgoing kid, someone more like her. Friends begged her to learn to accept her child for who she was, rather than always talk down about her. She'd be at a playdate and other mothers would comment on how nice it was that her daughter could play on her own, while the mother herself was just embarrassed by that. That's not the same as just disliking something your kid does, that's rejecting who your child is for something that is out of her control.

 

I definitely have moments of not liking my kids, I'll admit it. I hate it when they fight over something, when I can't pee by myself. But I wake up excited to see them and kiss them every night, letting them know that any conflicts we've had that day are over and I love them no matter what.

[MyBlueLobsters]

What surprised me is that she didn't ask a doctor about it sooner. I guess all generally seemed fine, but it's sad they couldn't have dealt with this sooner.

 

My son also has a severe growth hormone defect. He's on daily shots, only his defect caused severe blood sugar drops and grand mal seizures. But they did say the defect causes weak muscles, and therefore, causing milestones to pass on by. (He didn't walk until he was 3.5, but we kind of thought it was a DS thing.) His defect was hard to ignore because of the symptoms...however, it did take them 8 months to find out the cause of the blood sugar issues and seizures.

[OH_Homeschooler]

What surprised me is that she didn't ask a doctor about it sooner. I guess all generally seemed fine, but it's sad they couldn't have dealt with this sooner.

 

She actually did ask about it sooner. In the magazine article she discussed how she sought evaluations and they kept coming back without significant problems. I guess this could have contributed to her sense that there was nothing "wrong" with her child, so it was okay to dislike her? I don't know. Eventually, when she got the diagnosis, she felt guilty for how she treated her kid so I guess that's something.

[twoforjoy]

One thing I would never do is tell my child those thoughts. EVER, NEVER, NEVER. THAT is horrible.

 

This. I'm also with those who are saying that it's not so much this woman's admitting that she disliked her child that's the problem, but WHY she disliked her child. I cannot imagine not liking a child because they didn't meet developmental milestones.

 

That said, I can sympathize. My DS, who's my first, is and was a really difficult kid. He was difficult from the start. And he is a wonderful, charming, smart, loving and lovable kid, but he is also stubborn, defiant, moody, demanding, and negative. He can be, at times, really hard to like. A lot of it, I think, is a clash between his temperament and my DH's and my temperament. But I know I've looked at him, even when he was a baby, and thought, "I love this kid, but I don't know if I like him."

 

My DD, on the other hand, is just a sweetheart. She's a slower on her milestones than my DS was, but she is just this good-natured, smiley, easygoing little joy who honestly has very few demands and is rarely upset. At her age, my DS would come over to us and bite us if he was unhappy; my DD comes over to us and treats us to hugs and kisses. She's also a MUCH better sleeper than my DS was, which makes a huge difference, probably mainly because DH and I are just well-rested and so better equipped to interact with her.

 

I'll admit that my DD is, for us, a lot easier to like than our DS was. It makes me glad they are so far apart in age (and that they are different genders, because I think that also cuts down on comparison), because at this point, it's not like we really compare the two much. If they were closer in age, I think it would be harder. I mean, we love our DS just as much as we love our DD, but just in terms of how personalities mesh, it's easier for us to get along with DD than DS.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I haven't read the article, but the interview with her made me feel sick to my stomach and very sad for that little girl. Yes, we all have moments where our parenting skills are lacking, and we may have dark thoughts about our kids, our families, our whole lives. But this lady just comes off as ridiculously self centered. Let me tell you, my first son was not what I expected, either. He screamed his head off from birth until my BIL the pediatrician figured out he had reflux- at 10 weeks old. Then, as a toddler, he was afraid of everything- grass, blowing leaves, dirt, dogs, cats, bugs and on and on. He had raging, never-ending tantrums. He had major issues in pre-school and Kindergarten and 1st grade. He did not play "normally" with the other kids. I knew something was wrong. It took us till this fall to get a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome. This certainly is not what I expected when I delivered my first born child. However, I wasn't disappointed in HIM! I cried and struggled along with him. I prayed that things would get easier for him. I let him know I was proud of his accomplishments and happy that he was my boy. It's not his fault that he is this way. He didn't do this to ME, and that was the impression I got from that mother. She acted like her daughter played some horrible deceptive trick on her by not being how she had expected her to be. I really hope the daughter has a loving father or grandparent who can give her the attention and love that she needs and deserves.

[Audrey]

I can't imagine feeling that way about my own kid, but I know my dad felt that way about me. However, I know he loved me, even if he didn't really like me. As a child and young adult, that hurt, but when I got older and (maybe) wiser, I think I've realized that was his own failing, not mine.

[WishboneDawn]

In my opinion, having 'bad Mommy moments' is totally different than what is happening in this story. Yes, I am horrified at the way she has treated her daughter, for the REASONS she treated her daughter this way. Hey, I'll be the first to admit that seeing my son's (who has Down syndrome) peers pass him up hurt. It still hurts to see him try to hard and not be able to do something. I'm sure it will hurt forever, to a degree. Does that mean I chose not to like him-- Because he didn't reach his milestones? He can't speak to me and tell me who he played with on the playground. But for pete's sake, I still like him. I love him like crazy! He's just a fun guy! I still hold to my initial thought that this mom is just selfish and embarrassed and I feel badly for her daughter. She said "I don't think it's too much to expect your child to reach the milestones" My response is "Well, sorry darlin' sometimes, yes it is...."

 

I should not have said moments and certainly meant to imply something more then just our "bad Mommy moments".

[TheAutumnOak]

I can't imagine feeling that way about my own kid, but I know my dad felt that way about me. However, I know he loved me, even if he didn't really like me. As a child and young adult, that hurt, but when I got older and (maybe) wiser, I think I've realized that was his own failing, not mine.

 

:thumbup:

[LG Gone Wild]

This. I'm also with those who are saying that it's not so much this woman's admitting that she disliked her child that's the problem, but WHY she disliked her child. I cannot imagine not liking a child because they didn't meet developmental milestones.

 

That said, I can sympathize. My DS, who's my first, is and was a really difficult kid. He was difficult from the start. And he is a wonderful, charming, smart, loving and lovable kid, but he is also stubborn, defiant, moody, demanding, and negative. He can be, at times, really hard to like. A lot of it, I think, is a clash between his temperament and my DH's and my temperament. But I know I've looked at him, even when he was a baby, and thought, "I love this kid, but I don't know if I like him."

 

My DD, on the other hand, is just a sweetheart. She's a slower on her milestones than my DS was, but she is just this good-natured, smiley, easygoing little joy who honestly has very few demands and is rarely upset. At her age, my DS would come over to us and bite us if he was unhappy; my DD comes over to us and treats us to hugs and kisses. She's also a MUCH better sleeper than my DS was, which makes a huge difference, probably mainly because DH and I are just well-rested and so better equipped to interact with her.

 

I'll admit that my DD is, for us, a lot easier to like than our DS was. It makes me glad they are so far apart in age (and that they are different genders, because I think that also cuts down on comparison), because at this point, it's not like we really compare the two much. If they were closer in age, I think it would be harder. I mean, we love our DS just as much as we love our DD, but just in terms of how personalities mesh, it's easier for us to get along with DD than DS.

 

Yes. That is all.

[beccad777]

While she was really hard on her daughter, she knew something was wrong. I think I would have a hard time if I were in her place as well. I think people are being just a tad harsh about it. She realized that she had a problem with her attitude towards her DD and worked at fixing it. Admitting something like that takes guts. You have to admire that. She seems like she has a good relationship with her DD now. Maybe we should cut her some slack.

 

But for the grace of God, there go I.

[Lady Florida.]

I read the article in the Salon last weekend.

 

 

It seems harsh on the tv segment, but the article is a little better,

 

Here is a link.

http://magazine-directory.com/Redbook.htm

 

 

 

I haven't read the article. I'll take a look at it later. It's true that a tv segment often only takes the sensational parts of the story in order to get ratings.

 

You know, sometimes is IS too much to expect your child to reach the developmental milestones....Not everyone is 'just like the books'.

 

 

 

Seriously, she didn't just dislike her kid sometimes, it was just her general being that annoyed her. She saw her child as weak and she had hoped for a more outgoing kid, someone more like her.

 

This. I'm also with those who are saying that it's not so much this woman's admitting that she disliked her child that's the problem, but WHY she disliked her child. I cannot imagine not liking a child because they didn't meet developmental milestones.

 

 

 

All of the above.

 

 

She actually did ask about it sooner. In the magazine article she discussed how she sought evaluations and they kept coming back without significant problems. I guess this could have contributed to her sense that there was nothing "wrong" with her child, so it was okay to dislike her? I don't know. Eventually, when she got the diagnosis, she felt guilty for how she treated her kid so I guess that's something.

 

Another reason to read the article, I suppose. The tv segment makes it sound like she just disliked her kid for 7 years, then somehow found out about the girl's condition.

 

I do understand the frustrations, and the days when you wish your child could be different. I do understand not liking some things your child does. I have a son with raging ADHD. It's just her overall attitude of wanting the perfect child and blaming the child, or at least that's how it came across to me in the segment. That just made me feel so bad for the little girl.

Edited June 9, 2011 by floridamom

[WishboneDawn]

While she was really hard on her daughter, she knew something was wrong. I think I would have a hard time if I were in her place as well. I think people are being just a tad harsh about it. She realized that she had a problem with her attitude towards her DD and worked at fixing it. Admitting something like that takes guts. You have to admire that. She seems like she has a good relationship with her DD now. Maybe we should cut her some slack.

 

But for the grace of God, there go I.

:iagree:

 

It's sort of useless to criticize her for having been in that place now that's she's worked it out and come out the other side. All that kind of judgment does is ensure those who might be feeling as she did feel that they too will be judged and should perhaps stay quiet on the issue.

[SilverMoonlight]

I am just so :banghead::cursing: after watching that video.....it really came across as "this child didn't meet my dreams/ideals" and so I'm punishing her emotionally...

 

Ack!

 

This could have been a discussion about grieving having a "different" child...or she could've been more honest about how badly *she* is failing as a mother in loving her daughter, but

 

I am just blown away...

 

You know, sometimes is IS too much to expect your child to reach the developmental milestones....Not everyone is 'just like the books'. You don't think her 7 year old noticed that her mom loved her sister more than her? As a mother of a child with special needs, this story maddened me AND broke my heart all at the same time. This mom is selfish. Plain and simple....SELFISH! Sometimes having a child, especially one who is 'different' means you lay down yourself, your dreams, your expectations for your CHILD. Anyway, the more I type, the madder I am getting...so I'll shut up.:glare:

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

What surprised me is that she didn't ask a doctor about it sooner. I guess all generally seemed fine, but it's sad they couldn't have dealt with this sooner.

 

:iagree: I know someone else mentioned that they did seek evaluations, but since she kept saying how her child was having issues in social situations, missing milestones, etc - I have to wonder what doctors she was going to. My child with autism didn't reach milestone, was socially awkward, and something was off from birth - dh & I both knew it - and we kept talking to doctors until we found the right kind and that would listen to us.

 

My brother (7 years older than me) was profoundly & severely retarded from having had a brain tumor when he was 2 yrs old (in the 60's - medicine was not what it is today, and by the time it was removed, it was the size of a grapefruit.) He wasn't supposed to live past 5. He always had grand and petit mal seizures. After a few strokes, and 7 brain surgeries, he ended up outliving many of his doctors and just passed away last July at the age of 46. For the last 25 years, he was like a 5 month old baby in a grown man's body. My Mother still went to the Nursing home - at age 70 - to feed him and see him every day. And she never complained. Never blamed God. She's a saint, imo, and a better mother than I am.

 

The very idea that this woman's daughter didn't live up to "her" expectations and "her" ideals and "her" wants - really - makes me sick. But I am sure my own experience colors that emotional reaction.

Edited June 10, 2011 by SilverMoonlight

[TheAutumnOak]

My goodness. :grouphug:

 

This is going to sound weird coming from a stranger on the intrawebs, but I want to tell you that you give every appearance of rising above this issue with your Mom. You are an adorable, smart, and positive person with an absolutely beautiful family. I believe you that you have chosen to be thankful for your blessings.

 

:iagree: Absolutely! Maybe your mother was jealous of how wonderful you are. ;)

 

:iagree:

 

Thanks so much :001_smile:...Your kind words did not go unnoticed...

[chiguirre]

I met a woman with a child who is severely autistic. She cannot communicate with her child. Her child's bedroom is an empty room with a mattress and a lock on the door because he has hurt himself climbing furniture and throwing stuff and taking off in the middle of the night. They cannot go anywhere as a family nor live anything that resembles a normal life. I am pretty sure she has a lot of moments of not liking her child. I think it's human to not like something when it is that oppressive. This doesn't mean these women don't love their children.

 

Hey, this is our life! And yes, I will publically admit to not liking ds1 a lot of the time (particularly when he's hitting me, smearing poo, or screaming and flailing in public). Nope, I'm not a narcissist or cruel, just a normal mom dealing with truly trying circumstances.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:sad: Where's the emoticon for a broken heart?

[TheAutumnOak]

Hey, this is our life! And yes, I will publically admit to not liking ds1 a lot of the time (particularly when he's hitting me, smearing poo, or screaming and flailing in public). Nope, I'm not a narcissist or cruel, just a normal mom dealing with truly trying circumstances.

 

:grouphug:

What you are describing is different than the sentiments expressed by the mom...She didn't like her daughter because she felt the daughter wasn't who she wanted her to be - an outgoing, smart child who hit all the milestones and made her feel proud...She had a problem with her daughter's personality, not because the daughter was difficult to deal with or treated her badly...

[sparrow]

This story hits home for me not because I feel this way about my boys, but because my mom felt this way about me and has told me on at least a few occasions...It wasn't that I didn't hit the milestones (she said I was intelligent, but that is where it ends with me), I just wasn't who she wanted me to be...And I didn't grow up to be what she wanted me to be either...For a long time I blamed myself for being who I was and causing her difficulty...Now I am just happy to have my life, my DH, and my boys and a new shot at being apart of a family where I am wanted...I'd be lying though if I said it never bothers me the fact that I am not close with my mom...

 

I know that everyone doesn't always like his/her child, but usually it has to do with how the child is behaving at the moment - how the child is treating you...It is very sad to dislike your child just because of who they are...It doesn't surprise me because I lived through it, but it is still very sad...

 

:grouphug: I hear you. I was not, nor will I ever be, who my father wanted me to be. I am so happy and proud to have my own little family that loves me, for me, and that I have broken the chain. I love my children AND all the parts that make them different from me!

 

I honestly believe my dad loves me, but, and he has said as much, he will always be disappointed in me and that I have "no ambition or drive". I have plenty. It's just not in the areas that he wanted me to have ambition.

 

That was tough to watch.

[justamouse]

Sigh.

 

I can't even imagine.

Edited June 10, 2011 by justamouse

[TracieT]

Yeah, the article I read was still a bit disturbing (just the mom's attitude and expectations), but not quite as harsh. Like someone else mentioned from the article, the friend's comment about a mother being the one who is there for her child no matter what was heart-wrenching and gave the whole article a different feel than the video.

 

Before I had kids I worked with kids and for some reason had a very difficult time dealing with kids with speech issues. It just irritated me to no end. Then my first is born and ends up with a speech delay. (somebody trying to tell me something?!) Never have I ever once blamed him or felt he was imperfect or that he didn't meet my expectations. Yes, I've worked with him to deal with it, but if he were to never speak properly I couldn't imagine taking it personally in any way!!!

 

My youngest is incredibly challenging and there are days I think I'm going to go absolutely insane. But never have I thought he has failed me, is doing this TO me or that he is a disappointment.

 

Do people forget a child is an individual? Do mothers not really realize what it is to be a mother? I can't understand this mother's way of thinking.

[Kirch]

I haven't read the article, but the interview with her made me feel sick to my stomach and very sad for that little girl. Yes, we all have moments where our parenting skills are lacking, and we may have dark thoughts about our kids, our families, our whole lives. But this lady just comes off as ridiculously self centered. Let me tell you, my first son was not what I expected, either. He screamed his head off from birth until my BIL the pediatrician figured out he had reflux- at 10 weeks old. Then, as a toddler, he was afraid of everything- grass, blowing leaves, dirt, dogs, cats, bugs and on and on. He had raging, never-ending tantrums. He had major issues in pre-school and Kindergarten and 1st grade. He did not play "normally" with the other kids. I knew something was wrong. It took us till this fall to get a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome. This certainly is not what I expected when I delivered my first born child. However, I wasn't disappointed in HIM! I cried and struggled along with him. I prayed that things would get easier for him. I let him know I was proud of his accomplishments and happy that he was my boy. It's not his fault that he is this way. He didn't do this to ME, and that was the impression I got from that mother. She acted like her daughter played some horrible deceptive trick on her by not being how she had expected her to be. I really hope the daughter has a loving father or grandparent who can give her the attention and love that she needs and deserves.

 

I was trying to figure out how to put my reaction into words, and this is it. I can totally understand the disappointment, grief, etc. of having a child who is difficult as a baby or has special needs. I can grasp the frustration of constantly having your hopes and expectations dashed. But the issue is--how do you choose to act/react? It almost sounds like this mom blamed her daughter, like the girl was doing it on purpose to thwart the mom's dreams. Saying that her daughter was "constantly letting her down"??? That's the knd of language you use for older kids/teens who are willfully and knowingly choosing to go against a parent's instructions, wishes, expectations. Not for a baby or toddler who just isn't living up to mom's ideal.

 

And again, I understand the relief of finding a diagnosis, finding a *reason.* But what if there hadn't been a reason and this was just the way her child was? Why couldn't she have been on her daughter's team before, doing her best to help her daughter navigate the world as she experienced it rather than frowning on her daughter for not experiencing the world the same way she did or other children did?

 

I definitely understand having moments, even seasons when you have a hard time liking a difficult child. But she just comes across as very self-centered, especially giving the nature of the "disappointments."

 

ETA: I do have to say that the article is much less . . . button-pushing, I guess. I can understand and sympathize much more with what she wrote than with how it came across in the video clip. There's a lot more about how she knew that *she* as the mom had a problem.

Edited June 10, 2011 by Kirch

[twoforjoy]

I guess I just find the responses to this somewhat ironic given that there was a thread recently about whether people liked other people's children, and many, many posters indicated that they in fact don't. They indicated that they like well-behaved, well-mannered, polite children. Unless their children are well-behaved, well-mannered, and polite all the time, and I know of no children like that, I imagine there must be times when they just don't like their kids much. Would they say it? I hope not. I wouldn't tell a child, mine or not mine, that I didn't like them, no matter how I felt. But, that doesn't mean it might not be a feeling they have, that is not something that needs to be denied or needs to induce guilt.

 

We're talking about liking, not loving. And, kids aren't always likable. Now, this mom's response, IMO, is over the top. To consistently not like your child, which is sounds like happened in her case, is an issue. But, I think it's another thing to admit that sometimes kids--including our own children--are NOT likable. They aren't acting in likable ways. They're being nasty and defiant and demanding and irritating. And I think it's okay to admit that, when that happens, we might not like them, or that when we're woken up in the middle of the night for the fourth time by a child who has no real reason to wake us up, we aren't particularly happy with that little person.

 

I just know that I felt like a terrible mom when I had my first. I certainly felt love for him when he was born, but I didn't kind of waft into motherhood thinking that everything he did was perfect and precious and adorable. In fact, he was a pain in the butt as a newborn much of the time. He was really fussy and high-need and a horrible sleeper. I just didn't have all warm, fuzzy feelings about him. I had a lot of those, but I also had some annoyed, resentful feelings, too. And, unfortunately, because temperaments differ so much and different temperaments mesh or don't mesh in various ways, some kids are harder for some parents to like and get along with.

[laundrycrisis]

But the issue is--how do you choose to act/react? It almost sounds like this mom blamed her daughter, like the girl was doing it on purpose to thwart the mom's dreams. Saying that her daughter was "constantly letting her down"??? That's the knd of language you use for older kids/teens who are willfully and knowingly choosing to go against a parent's instructions, wishes, expectations. Not for a baby or toddler who just isn't living up to mom's ideal.

 

 

:iagree: I have not read the article. Listening to the video, what struck me was that she seemed to think her DD's existence should be all about her, her experience and enjoyment of parenting the DD. No sympathy for the DD, or that the DD didn't choose to be the way she is. The child is not living up to my expectations of parenting bliss so she's a disappointment and it's her fault ...very self centered. I'm glad she seems more sympathetic toward her DD in the written article. Sometimes disappointment is going to be a natural reaction, but where do you go from there ? That is a conscious decision that a parent can make. I am guessing that a parent who cannot get past herself and have compassion for her child has her own issues she needs some professional help with.