A rant about TeA

[BakersDozen]

 

My dh doesn't consider it a proper cup of TeA unless I enjoy it first.

My dh hung on to this for years! I finally had to tell him that when I actually want to enjoy TeA (about twice a year I actually have the urge) then I'll tell him. Otherwise, he needs to just drink his TeA and let me go to sleep. I hated the pressure he put on me to "enjoy" my TeA. I'm not like a guy...I don't need it to feel done.

[Nestof3]

Yes, female on top helps with this.

 

OP, don't feel too bad. I was past 30 and my oldest child was done nursing before I had my teA boil over for the first time. Positioning was the key! I had been working out and was more flexible than ever and discovered the joys of being the chief teA maker (along with my dh who was in the passive position at the time).

 

 

[Jenny in Atl]

My dh doesn't consider it a proper cup of TeA unless I enjoy it first. And third :D

 

When our kids were little, I had a really hard time enjoying a good cup of TeA. I was all touched out by the end of the day, you know? Dh learned that the best pre-TeA was a clean kitchen and a wife with time to enjoy a book in the tub :001_smile: I also learned that sometimes it's ok to not really want to have my own cup.

 

As the kids got older, we enjoyed more and more TeA. But when they hit their teens and started staying up really late, well, our TeA consumption suffered :tongue_smilie: I had to get past the idea that the kids needed to be asleep.

 

I've been exercising almost every day for the past two months. Let me tell you, we're having the best.ever.TeA :D I wish I had believed my friends who told me that exercise in the over 40 woman really does have multiple benefits!

 

Bravo! My dh always makes sure I reach my summit before he begins his climb. :D

[Nestof3]

I can't believe I'm typing this, but...

 

In some women, learning to enjoy a cup of teA with someone else only happens if they learn to make their own teA first. Once you know what "brews your teA," you can help dh know what you like.

 

Also, certain positions are better for some women to "enjoy their teA." If you haven't tried anything but missionary, try some others.

 

Lisa, who's LOL-ing about writing the word "missionary" in reference to teA to an LDS mom. ;)

 

P.S. If you answer, "I don't think I ever have" to the question of "release," then you haven't. When you've had release, you'll know it (and you'll finally understand what all the fuss is about.) ;)

 

:iagree:

 

I really have to wonder how many of our moms and grandmoms stopped -- um giving their husbands tea because they had never experienced this -- at least not with a man.

[Audrey]

Sounds like DH and you need to work on some technique. There are definitely some books available that can, uh...help. Hating it is not a good place to be...perhaps some counseling?

 

:iagree: Counseling, especially... because it sounds to me like you are not in a good place mentally/emotionally regarding sex. You need to figure out why and work on that first.

[Audrey]

Bravo! My dh always makes sure I reach my summit before he begins his climb. :D

 

 

Yes. This. We married the same kind of guy. :D

[meggie]

I've loved reading these replies, y'all are so creative. :)

To the OP, I think you have a new little one? You know that can make a person take TeA off the menu for a while! Just know that you'll feel like having some later on, and for now, maybe tell your OB/GYN that you're not in the mood for it at all. Maybe there are hormonal reasons behind this, too. Being postpartum is not to be taken lightly. It can be the culprit for many many personal issues for a good year after baby is born. You're physical and emotionally drained, so I can see why you don't find it interesting at all. Maybe you two can figure out a way, or maybe you will just have to give it some time for you to be 'there' again.

 

My first thought, though, was that the hormonal roller coaster might be the main thing here.

 

I suppose it's possible, my second son is almost 2. Ever since I got pregnant with him I've been nursing and pregnant. Although I didn't enjoy it all that much before that either. And now I think the Mirena is making things worse, extremely unpleasant.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone, I've been looking some stuff up and bookmarking pages that he gets to read when he gets home from work. "DH, tonight your assignment is to learn how to make good tea." I'm sure he won't mind, but he might be a little embarrassed that I posted about it on the internet:lol: oh well, at least I don't really know anyone that I see on a regular basis in real life.

[SailorMom]

I'm no therapist (and I agree one would help)... but- TeA is about so much more than the "end" result. Without that part of it, the "end" can't really happen for the woman anyway.... The "end" is 99% mental, really. You both need to approach TeA not expecting a certain result, and just know that you want to spend time together... cuddling. Try only doing the, um, pre-TeA prep a few times without anything else.

 

Many women have to ... learn.... privately..... so that they can help their husbands learn. If that does not work, then I think a visit to the doctor is appropriate. It would be a shame to have a simple medical issue interfere...

 

DH's (in general ) want their spouses to enjoy what is going on.... to respond and actively engage. You will have to break years of habits most likely, and have many very open conversations, but the result is absolutely worth it.

[*Inna*]

Cordless Electric Kettle?:D

*snort* :lol:

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but I have a couple of suggestions:

 

1. 10 minutes of heating the water (set an alarm if he is chintzy in this area).

 

2. Buy a mechanical friend.

 

3. You finish with your friend before your dh gets started drinking his cup of tea.

 

If this doesn't work, then I would seek counseling.

:iagree:

I also agree with suggestion that sometimes exploring yourself will lead to understanding what's exactly you need to "finish the cup". He can watch if you don't feel comfortable being alone.

[Sevilla]

(((((hugs)))))) 6 years of marriage filled with pregnancy/postpartum/nursing hormones does not necessarily help in developing a strong TeA drinking habit together that is mutually pleasurable. I believe that "TeA is like wine, it improves with time." But it takes intentionally being open in communication and experimentation together, and for many that involves reading books/talking with others to get more ideas and advice. Some women's bodies are 'fast responders' and others are 'slow responders' and that can make it less enjoyable - but both types of women can learn to enjoy TeA IMO :). It's a learning process with a lot of trial and error (and honestly, I don't think inexperience has as much to do with it as being dedicated to being a self-educated learner...at least that has been the case with many couples I know who were only with each other due to religious beliefs but have built very strong, passionate TeA drinking parties together).

 

I agree with the recommendations for the Marriage Website (many helpful articles on all manner of topics), and here are a few more ideas (I'm highly amused at finding code words for this stuff):

 

1. Nutiva Coconut Oil : Excellent material for greasing the wheels - it will be physically uncomfortable for your body if you do not have this. As a nursing mother, this is 10x as important. By far, the best I have found that is natural, non-nasty ingredients, and excellent in this department is this coconut oil (yes, the same extra virgin white solid you can use for cooking). But truly - it's excellent. I had a middle aged woman who came of age in the 1970's tell me about it first, and since then have had many friends use it with great success post-partum as it moisturizes, makes for great comfort, and tastes nice ;). It melts into a liquid at body temperature making it a nice massage oil too.

 

2. Books (some are just for women - those are from a conservative Christian perspective that should work well being LDS):

Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About "TeA"

Intimacy Ignited: Conversations Couple to Couple (this one is focused on Song of Songs in the Bible and explores topics of tea-drinking from that perspective)

Turn up the heat by Kevin Leman

Sheet Music by Kevin Leman (saw it mentioned earlier in the thread - written with a great sense of humor!)

Intended for Pleasure by the Wheats

For Women Only by Shaunti Feldman

 

3. She Comes First by Ian Kerner

This book is written by a secular guy for men to improve their techniques (though as a woman it was insightful to read and very detailed about how the female anatomy works). It is specifically focused on a husband helping his wife find release through the man tasting the wife's TeA. Many women find that this is the most sure-fire way to experience the fullness of TeA. If the thought of that seems unorthodox, it might help to know that the practice is even written about in the Old Testament (which the Christian books above explain in more detail...if you've ever wondered why Song of Solomon says "Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine" when our belly buttons are dry as a desert...welcome to Hebrew euphemism ;)). It does reference unmarried sex so if that is a moral issue for you know in advance.

Edited April 23, 2011 by Sevilla

[KidsHappen]

I haven't read the entire thread, but I have a couple of suggestions:

 

1. 10 minutes of heating the water (set an alarm if he is chintzy in this area).

 

2. Buy a mechanical friend.

 

3. You finish with your friend before your dh gets started drinking his cup of tea.

 

If this doesn't work, then I would seek counseling.

 

I swear, we are either related or on the same pyschic wavelength. As usual, you have already said what I would have said and probably more succictly as well.

[Veritaserum]

My favorite LDS book is And They Were Not Ashamed. I despise Dr. Lamb's book Between Husband and Wife because of the BS about how some women never boil and that's ok. :glare:

[TKDmom]

My favorite LDS book is And They Were Not Ashamed.

 

I was going to suggest the same book. It (along with an anatomy class I was taking at the time) changed everything for me. This was after 6 years of marriage. I thought I should have known all about teA by then...

 

I despise Dr. Lamb's book Between Husband and Wife because of the BS about how some women never boil and that's ok. :glare:

 

I took a class from Dr. Brinley in college (he's the other author of Between Husband and and Wife). I decided not to buy his book b/c he seemed pretty much clueless about women.

[DianeW88]

I'm feeling so sad for you. :crying: I'm LDS, too, and TeA should be FUN! Fun, fun, fun! I think sometimes women who have been raised in very morally strict environments (not just LDS girls, but other denominations as well), have a hard time "letting loose", so to speak, when the "sex is taboo" restriction has been lifted. I wondering if you are still feeling a bit of reservation about really experimenting and exploring with your dh?

 

I definitely suggest checking out other websites and learning more about your body and what you like. There is no shame in this whatsoever. Also, a trip to Victoria's Secret or some of the other more "expressive" stores in town (if you want to know the names, PM me) might be a place to start.

 

This should definitely be something that you look forward to with your dh, not something to dread and avoid. I think it's such an integral part of a marriage, that you are not as bonded together as you should be if it's something you hate.

[Amy Jo]

:grouphug: You're not being selfish. You've gotten some good advice already, but may I also suggest checking out the site themarriagebed.com? I learned more about teA than I ever thought I wanted to know at that forum, and oh wow did it change things for the better. People are very, very frank on those forums, and they'll help you understand your DH, yourself, your body, and all the mechanics so much better. I highly, highly recommend checking the site out, and posting anonymously if you need direct discussion. You'll see that you're not alone, and you're not selfish, and you'll get info and feedback from both sides of the bed, so to speak. It sounds like your DH is probably willing to work on this issue with you, so take advantage of that and work together.

 

:iagree: TMB is my first resource in this area. I recommend a different username than you normally use, so that you can speak freely.

 

Positioning was the key! I had been working out and was more flexible than ever and discovered the joys of being the chief teA maker (along with my dh who was in the passive position at the time).

 

Working out helps. I'm not right now (just restarting) but a few years ago I was training for a blackbelt and working out a lot.. it was very good... :D

 

Now I am off to TMB to figure out if I can help dh enjoy teA again... while still taking his very helpful anti-depressant which is VERY depressing to me in the teA department.

 

I'm stuck here too. My husband has a permanent back injury and it's put a crimp in our teA time. Either the pain kills his desire or his meds for the pain do.

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but I have a couple of suggestions:

 

1. 10 minutes of heating the water (set an alarm if he is chintzy in this area).

 

2. Buy a mechanical friend.

 

3. You finish with your friend before your dh gets started drinking his cup of tea.

 

If this doesn't work, then I would seek counseling.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: It's important to us that we are both satisfied. I haven't needed a mechanical friend, but I wouldn't hesitate to get one. (Actually, I'd like to get one anyway, for fun, just need to make up an excuse...)

 

Sounds like you are on the right track though. I second the Intimate Issues book.

[Luckymama]

(Oh my goodness, I am every so grateful for my Kindle now after looking at some of the linked book titles! Thanks :D )

[JessaMae]

There is SO much great advice and info here! It also took me years (8-10+) to begin enjoying TeA with my hubby. A lot of it was that I was afraid to experiment - a combination of being shy and my upbringing. Thankfully I have a very patient dh and one who is open with me re. his needs/my needs.

 

You mentioned that your dh will finish his TeA before you are able to finish yours. Applying pressure to the "handle" of his cup (?) can help with this if he is almost done. Also my husband would sometimes need a quick cup of TeA earlier in the day, so his cup would last long enough for me to finish mine later. That helped a lot by giving me time to figure out what works before it's all over and I am in tears - feeling all the feelings you mentioned!

 

I will also say that I find a big difference in my desire for tea and ability to finish my cup of tea when I am nursing a baby to when I am not. A BIG difference.

 

Many :grouphug: to you!!! Hang in there - I hope you don't give up! It is definitely worth the initial "work" :001_smile:

[meggie]

I'm feeling so sad for you. :crying: I'm LDS, too, and TeA should be FUN! Fun, fun, fun! I think sometimes women who have been raised in very morally strict environments (not just LDS girls, but other denominations as well), have a hard time "letting loose", so to speak, when the "sex is taboo" restriction has been lifted. I wondering if you are still feeling a bit of reservation about really experimenting and exploring with your dh?

 

 

I've been trying to figure out why I'm like this. We talked about it in YW, but in a general, "It's sacred and only for married couples" kind of way. Never in "It's bad!" way.

 

The only things I can come up with is that growing up, I thought it was gross. And that married people only did it when they wanted to have a baby. In second grade, my friend and I were talking about it and the LDS family on the block were crazy! They had 8 kids, that meant they had tea 8 times! And she said she heard that you had to have tea twice to have a baby. 16 times? Scandalous.:lol: I think I was in 7th or 8th grade when I realized people did it for other purposes than just reproduction.

[Night Elf]

Hon...*gently*...I'd say you're not the selfish one here. I can't imagine a partner that would leave their spouse so unhappy and unfufilled. That, to me, is selfish.

 

Whew.. I misinterpreted some of the OP's issues. I thought she was saying she cries afterwards and her DH doesn't seem to care or think it matters.

 

I'm not all that fond of TeA either. After 15 years of marriage, DH and I have settled into a mutual comfortable understanding. I know his feelings are important but mine are important as well.

Edited April 23, 2011 by Night Elf

[Denisemomof4]

Hon...*gently*...I'd say you're not the selfish one here. I can't imagine a partner that would leave their spouse so unhappy and unfufilled. That, to me, is selfish.

 

He needs to be making your needs a priority.

 

:iagree:I'm guessing your dh doesn't KNOW what your needs are or how to go about fulfilling them. He needs your help!

[meggie]

:iagree: Especially if it ends in tears. If he is seeing these tears and doesn't care about them, there are bigger issues going on that would probably be better off answered by professional counseling of some sort.

 

:confused: Why would you think he doesn't care about them? He cares very much that it is so upsetting for me. We'll be looking at a lot of the resources suggested tonight when he gets home from work. He is usually the one leading the "let's research and try to figure it out" and I am the one who is too afraid to try. I think he'll be happy that I want to get it figured out.

[Night Elf]

:confused: Why would you think he doesn't care about them? He cares very much that it is so upsetting for me.

 

That's great that he cares. That's what we all want to see between spouses.

 

I don't think explaining my misinterpretation would provide any helpful feedback to your situation.

[GypsieFamily]

:grouphug: anyway, I agree with everything you've said. It wouldn't bother me to never have tea again. I have no desire, no interest, and no enjoyment from it. Just nothing. Nothing at all.

 

However, I'm going to branch out a little from what other people have replied. I'm pretty sure I'm like this because of a few ... uh ... issues I had with abuse and assault in my teenage years. I've dealt with it, and moved on. But, it seems to have completely killed off my libido. Just not there.

 

Now I'm not suggesting that you have been r@ped or assaulted, too, but could a trauma relate to this? Maybe even a traumatic labour or birth? Maybe it's not the tea that you should be focusing on trying to work on, maybe the underlying issue (jeez, very naturopathic of me :glare: )

[Nestof3]

Part of me thinks the newness has just worn off. I don't know if I sound wacko, but there was something thrilling in the chase/search for someone. Something thrilling in the unknown, the wooing.

[angela in ohio]

Did you know that a LARGE percentage of women, perhaps even the majority, cannot um, "finish" during the actual act of TeA? I'm one of them. I have managed to "finish" during the act only twice in my lifetime. Many women need to have their needs handled either before or after the act. So my preference is to have my husband please me (manually or otherwise) until I'm finished with my cup of TeA, lol, THEN we do the actual act. Othertimes he pleases me afterwards. But he ALWAYS does. Again, my perference is first, as it makes the act itself more intense, but either works.

 

This. Exactly.

 

It takes a bit of practice to learn to finish a cup of teA. Once you figure out what works, it gets easier each time.

[meggie]

:grouphug: anyway, I agree with everything you've said. It wouldn't bother me to never have tea again. I have no desire, no interest, and no enjoyment from it. Just nothing. Nothing at all.

 

However, I'm going to branch out a little from what other people have replied. I'm pretty sure I'm like this because of a few ... uh ... issues I had with abuse and assault in my teenage years. I've dealt with it, and moved on. But, it seems to have completely killed off my libido. Just not there.

 

Now I'm not suggesting that you have been r@ped or assaulted, too, but could a trauma relate to this? Maybe even a traumatic labour or birth? Maybe it's not the tea that you should be focusing on trying to work on, maybe the underlying issue (jeez, very naturopathic of me :glare: )

I don't think this is the case, but I appreciate your concern. My family is pretty dysfunctional, but no trauma or anything. A lot of drama though :glare:My children's birth, while being about as pleasant as you can expect childbirths to be, weren't traumatic.

 

Part of me thinks the newness has just worn off. I don't know if I sound wacko, but there was something thrilling in the chase/search for someone. Something thrilling in the unknown, the wooing.

I think this is part of it too. The first four months of marriage were fun and then I got pregnant with my oldest and had all day sickness and couldn't even think about anything else.

 

This. Exactly.

 

It takes a bit of practice to learn to finish a cup of teA. Once you figure out what works, it gets easier each time.

This makes me feel hopeful. I guess we'll just keep trying and researching until then. I guess I should be glad knowing there's hope. I'm usually such a pessimist that once it starts going bad, I'm convinced it's going to be bad forever. Maybe I should try to have fun. I mean, it's supposed to be fun!

[HeidiKC]

I've been trying to figure out why I'm like this. We talked about it in YW, but in a general, "It's sacred and only for married couples" kind of way. Never in "It's bad!" way.

 

The only things I can come up with is that growing up, I thought it was gross. And that married people only did it when they wanted to have a baby. In second grade, my friend and I were talking about it and the LDS family on the block were crazy! They had 8 kids, that meant they had tea 8 times! And she said she heard that you had to have tea twice to have a baby. 16 times? Scandalous.:lol: I think I was in 7th or 8th grade when I realized people did it for other purposes than just reproduction.

 

This sounds pretty typical to me for kids. I don't think you were unusual. I think you've got a lot of good advice. I'd add one thing I haven't seen mentioned. I'd suggest he focus on your top half for a while until moving to the bottom half - long enough so that you are finally wanting him to move a bit lower! No hurry, spend lots of time up there! Then hopefully he can find a way to make it work for you (probably before the actual act occurs would be best/easiest for you - and not having to worry about him at the same time).

 

I went to a marriage conference last week (Family Life's Weekend to Remember - HIGHLY RECOMMEND!) and they showed a video of a woman with 12 kids who did not experience release for the first 10 years of her marriage. She is a much more fulfilled woman these days! So you can do it, too! Just make sure both of you are patient and just practice for hours!

[KristinaBreece]

I suppose it's possible, my second son is almost 2. Ever since I got pregnant with him I've been nursing and pregnant. Although I didn't enjoy it all that much before that either. And now I think the Mirena is making things worse, extremely unpleasant.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone, I've been looking some stuff up and bookmarking pages that he gets to read when he gets home from work. "DH, tonight your assignment is to learn how to make good tea." I'm sure he won't mind, but he might be a little embarrassed that I posted about it on the internet:lol: oh well, at least I don't really know anyone that I see on a regular basis in real life.

 

:iagree:with the bolded. I've never been a teA maniac, but Mirena has short-circuited the libido altogether.

[dsmith]

I get to drink my tea first. Once dh has had his tea, he doesn't care how my tea is at all.:glare: So my tea comes first!:lol: I'm also not very shy about telling dh exactly how I like my tea. In my younger years I couldn't do this. I would also worry that I wasn't drinking my tea fast enough, but now I don't care how long it takes to have a satisfying cup! The longer, the better.:D

[Sevilla]

Oh - hormonal birth control completely kills desire for tea in some women. Even with the Mirena which is low dose hormones, it can be a side effect. Just like pregnancy can affect your desire level and responsiveness, so can hormonal birth control (hormones are tricky things! While not every women experiences this, enough do that it's a side effect to watch out for).

[meggie]

So hubby called on his way home from work to tell me he was going straight to his meeting. I said, "better hurry or there won't be time for fun."

 

Hubby: Ummm...ok...?:confused:

Me: I have a confession to make

*silence*

*silence*

*crickets chirping*

*silence*

Hubby: Well that's a pretty silent confession

Me: Don't get mad ok?

*silence*

*silence*

Hubby: Ok....

Me: Tell him about posting about tea on this board (and he read the WHOLE tea thread the last time it was posted and had to explain to me what some of the things were because I had no idea)

*silence*

*silence*

Hubby: We don't know anyone in real life do we?

 

:lol: He said the meeting would be short.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: Haven't read the other replies so please forgive if this is a repeat.

 

You have a baby, I see. How old is the baby? Are you breastfeeding? If so, do you have your cycles back? All of this hormonal stuff can affect your desire a great deal. If this is the issue, then it will pass. That is the good news.:001_smile:

[Sun]

I know how uncomfortable the idea of learning to brew your own cup can be, but if you've never experienced release, it can be really hard to get there. I find that getting my pot to boil over regularly increases my desire for teA. If you read on the themarriagebed.com, you'll find lots of stories of how women learned (both alone and with their husbands) how to get their pots to boil over.

 

That being said, you may still not find it something you really desire when you're nursing a little one and are tired all the time. Those can sap the energy for tea of either the liquid or the teA type, so do bear that in mind.

 

Lubrication can help make things more comfortable and help get the teA flowing more freely. This is often especially important when you're nursing.

 

Have fun tonight, but be gentle with yourself. You're both trying to learn something new, and that can be hard and frustrating at the best of times. When it's something as emotionally charged as teA making, it can be especially difficult.

 

:grouphug:

[UnsinkableKristen]

So hubby called on his way home from work to tell me he was going straight to his meeting. I said, "better hurry or there won't be time for fun."

 

Hubby: Ummm...ok...?:confused:

Me: I have a confession to make

*silence*

*silence*

*crickets chirping*

*silence*

Hubby: Well that's a pretty silent confession

Me: Don't get mad ok?

*silence*

*silence*

Hubby: Ok....

Me: Tell him about posting about tea on this board (and he read the WHOLE tea thread the last time it was posted and had to explain to me what some of the things were because I had no idea)

*silence*

*silence*

Hubby: We don't know anyone in real life do we?

 

:lol: He said the meeting would be short.

 

 

 

 

:hurray: Way to go!!

 

It's hard to put yourself out there and try things you are unsure about. He is going to be very happy that you are making the effort to make this part of your marriage better :)

[Denisemomof4]

:confused: Why would you think he doesn't care about them? He cares very much that it is so upsetting for me. We'll be looking at a lot of the resources suggested tonight when he gets home from work. He is usually the one leading the "let's research and try to figure it out" and I am the one who is too afraid to try. I think he'll be happy that I want to get it figured out.

 

It's embarrassing for me to say this but....... Please research this with your dh and allow him to take the lead. My dh was VERY patient and respectful of me. He was ready to explore, I was embarrassed beyond words - even after being married for years! We still laugh about it at times, and we are about to celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary.

 

I know that it's uncomfortable, EVEN with a husband you desperately love, and whom desperately loves you in return. I don't know why I was so uptight but I was. My dh was patient and we worked on it together. And it was WONDERFUL.

 

It may be uncomfortable for you at first, but just trust your husband and go with it. Unless it's something you're REALLY opposed to. I am so happy that my husband gently encouraged me when I was afraid to do anything other than the boring, regular thing..... if you know what I mean. ;) To think of what I would have missed out on........

[meggie]

It's embarrassing for me to say this but....... Please research this with your dh and allow him to take the lead. My dh was VERY patient and respectful of me. He was ready to explore, I was embarrassed beyond words - even after being married for years! We still laugh about it at times, and we are about to celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary.

 

I know that it's uncomfortable, EVEN with a husband you desperately love, and whom desperately loves you in return. I don't know why I was so uptight but I was. My dh was patient and we worked on it together. And it was WONDERFUL.

 

It may be uncomfortable for you at first, but just trust your husband and go with it. Unless it's something you're REALLY opposed to. I am so happy that my husband gently encouraged me when I was afraid to do anything other than the boring, regular thing..... if you know what I mean. ;) To think of what I would have missed out on........

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't know why but it made me a little :crying:. I will take your advice to heart.

[sagira]

Oh, OP. I've been married for more than 10 years now and can't remember when I enjoyed tea. Just the thought of having my pot boiling over (which it thankfully never has) gives me the heeby jeevies. I don't want to lose control like that. Being a virgin is much, much, easier. For me at least. I never touch my cup, I just clean it like I would a non-living object, very matter of fact get 'er done so I don't have to deal with it sort of thing.

 

Unfortunately it's really important to dh. He's a passionate man, and he would do anything to see me enjoy it, want him. The rare times I feel like brewing tea, which is only when I'm pregnant or once a year or so, I don't like the way I feel toward him. Although I love him, I see him as an object for my pleasure and I don't give a whit about his. I see him then as a tool to get there. Maybe it is a good thing I'm not interested in making tea regularly then! I don't even like to kiss and the lovey-dovey stuff. I like to share experiences and talk. We both married being virgins, so yeah, I totally get the blind leading the blind comment.

 

Now I'm a postpartum woman again (third and most likely last child), so forget it. It doesn't even occur to me. We're taking a four-month hiatus. Dh is cranky.

[Sevilla]

The rare times I feel like brewing tea, which is only when I'm pregnant or once a year or so, I don't like the way I feel toward him. Although I love him, I see him as an object for my pleasure and I don't give a whit about his. I see him then as a tool to get there. Maybe it is a good thing I'm not interested in making tea regularly then!

IME, when a wife gets into this mode during tea making it is very pleasurable for the man b/c he feels like he is bringing her great enjoyment and likes to watch her ride the high :). It's not using or unloving, it's being passionate and being able to participate in helping your partner find passion too.

[Joanne]

Wow. {{hugs}} To the pain and apathy for the women who don't enjoy tea.

 

It's supposed to be enjoyable; warm, ultimately soothing. Sometimes it is good with some sugar, sometimes with a bit of spice to heat it up.

 

Nature/God designed tea for nourishment, and that goes beyond nutrients.

[Nestof3]

IME, when a wife gets into this mode during tea making it is very pleasurable for the man b/c he feels like he is bringing her great enjoyment and likes to watch her ride the high :). It's not using or unloving, it's being passionate and being able to participate in helping your partner find passion too.

:iagree:

[kitten18]

Lots of good advice here.

 

My DH always want to me to finish at least 1, usually 2-3 cups before he starts his.

 

We use a cordless electric kettle. (clever ;))

 

Watching me enjoy my tea is very enjoyable for DH and makes his tea better.

 

It definitely took experimenting to get to this place.

[Nestof3]

Not trying to be argumentative at all, but my dh was married before me. He didn't realize until I told him what works for me and what doesn't. The light went on, and he realized what his ex had been missing.

 

In my case, I had to direct him. But, yes, we were both very open, and he was willing to learn.

 

It's embarrassing for me to say this but....... Please research this with your dh and allow him to take the lead. My dh was VERY patient and respectful of me. He was ready to explore, I was embarrassed beyond words - even after being married for years! We still laugh about it at times, and we are about to celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary.

 

I know that it's uncomfortable, EVEN with a husband you desperately love, and whom desperately loves you in return. I don't know why I was so uptight but I was. My dh was patient and we worked on it together. And it was WONDERFUL.

 

It may be uncomfortable for you at first, but just trust your husband and go with it. Unless it's something you're REALLY opposed to. I am so happy that my husband gently encouraged me when I was afraid to do anything other than the boring, regular thing..... if you know what I mean. ;) To think of what I would have missed out on........

[Denisemomof4]

IME, when a wife gets into this mode during tea making it is very pleasurable for the man b/c he feels like he is bringing her great enjoyment and likes to watch her ride the high :). It's not using or unloving, it's being passionate and being able to participate in helping your partner find passion too.

 

:iagree:and don't you think your husband would be THRILLED to be used as an object for your pleasure?;)

 

I think a HEALTHY marriage is a gift with no boundaries. You give when you don't want to and he does the same. It's all about putting the other's needs above your own. 50/50 type thing. I'm SURE your dh would be more than willing (chomping at the bit) to be that "object" to be used for your desire.;)

[mommy2be]

Check out some books by Dr. Laura Berman. She's an awesome Dr. with great practical advice. Try to catch her show on TLC.

 

I watch her show and there have been a few couples on that have these same problems.

 

One thing I would suggest is to have your husband learn how to make his tea last longer. This will help both of you in the long run.

 

I agree, you don't sound like the selfish one.

 

You could stand to be a little more selfish! You need to tell him how you like your tea, and ask him to make it for you just the way you like. He'd probably love for you to ask for it, and then he'd enjoy knowing that he's making you tea just how you like it!

 

You letting him know how you like your tea will only improve tea time for both of you. And he'd be tickled if you enjoyed tea time, because chances are - you'd be having tea time more frequently!

 

It's a win win situation.

 

If you're not sure exactly how you like your tea yet - then you need to experiment! There is nothing wrong with that!

 

There is no one - right or wrong way to have your tea. Everybody has to figure out exactly how they like their own tea!

 

Good luck, and have fun with it!

[Xuzi]

IME, when a wife gets into this mode during tea making it is very pleasurable for the man b/c he feels like he is bringing her great enjoyment and likes to watch her ride the high :). It's not using or unloving, it's being passionate and being able to participate in helping your partner find passion too.

:iagree:

Everytime I've tried asking DH what I can do to make tea brewing more enjoyable, he always just says "Look like you're into it". :lol: He's not asking me to "fake it", but to let him know that I enjoy what he's doing for me, and that in turn makes the whole thing more enjoyable for him. There's a lot of give-and-take in making tea, and we shouldn't feel ashamed of "taking", because sometimes that's exactly what our spouse wants us to give. :)

[Julie in CA]

Erm....was there ever a point where your dh felt...intimidated by the kettle? Perhaps a bit dejected, as though the kettle he was providing wasn't heating the water enough for you? Just askin'...:001_huh: :bigear:

[KidsHappen]

So hubby called on his way home from work to tell me he was going straight to his meeting. I said, "better hurry or there won't be time for fun."

 

Hubby: Ummm...ok...?:confused:

Me: I have a confession to make

*silence*

*silence*

*crickets chirping*

*silence*

Hubby: Well that's a pretty silent confession

Me: Don't get mad ok?

*silence*

*silence*

Hubby: Ok....

Me: Tell him about posting about tea on this board (and he read the WHOLE tea thread the last time it was posted and had to explain to me what some of the things were because I had no idea)

*silence*

*silence*

Hubby: We don't know anyone in real life do we?

 

:lol: He said the meeting would be short.

 

:thumbup: My hubby is quite the fan of the teA conversations himself. I am glad to hear that your hubby is so enthusiatic about working on this. I think that you are on the right track. Keep working on it. You'll get there. ;)

[Mrs Mungo]

Erm....was there ever a point where your dh felt...intimidated by the kettle? Perhaps a bit dejected, as though the kettle he was providing wasn't heating the water enough for you? Just askin'...:001_huh: :bigear:

 

Never. Because once I've finished one or two cups it is easier to have a cup of tea together. Also, guys like to watch. It's just a fact.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

This is also very good:

 

http://www.eroticbathandbody.com/cake-body-butter-65-oz-devils-food.html

 

We tried some out on Valentine's Day. I have no idea how many Weight Watchers points are in it, but it's worth it!

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Oh - hormonal birth control completely kills desire for tea in some women. Even with the Mirena which is low dose hormones, it can be a side effect. Just like pregnancy can affect your desire level and responsiveness, so can hormonal birth control (hormones are tricky things! While not every women experiences this, enough do that it's a side effect to watch out for).

 

I had desire until I went on pill form birth control. Ever since, not on bc, on different bc, nothing. The ONE time I wanted it I must have been ovulating becuase that's when ds#2 was conceived. I have had my hormones tested, I haved talked to a gp, ob/gyn, and a psychiatrist, and they say there's nothing they can give me. (Well, there is one anti-depresent that might help, but I'm allergic to it:glare:) Guys have their own TeA warming assisters, but none for me? How is that fair? I heard about a testosterone cream you could rub on the "tip" of the lady teapot, but I don't know where to get it or if it will effect my hormones badly.