Would You Stop Having Kids If...

[JumpyTheFrog]

1. You had HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) with both pregnancies, although you didn't have to be hospitalized. (The second time, I still had to worry about vomiting occasionally until 36 weeks.)

 

2. Your health got worse when each baby was about a year old, because your body gave out after all the sleep deprivation.

 

3. After four years of constant problems, you were diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and statistically, had <50% chance of ever recovering.

 

4. Both of your young kids are very active and one is very extroverted and you are an introvert.

 

5. Your health might improve if you could ever get the toddler to wean so you could be properly treated. (The remaining suggested treatments aren't safe for breastfeeding or pregnancy.)

 

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

[BakersDozen]

 

You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families.

While the other five points you made are serious I believe this one would be the deciding factor for me. If I didn't want more kids I wouldn't have more just because of who I was around or the # of dc they had.

[Jean in Newcastle]

While the other five points you made are serious I believe this one would be the deciding factor for me. If I didn't want more kids I wouldn't have more just because of who I was around or the # of dc they had.

 

:iagree:

[Pretty in Pink]

If I didn't really want more children then I would try to avoid conceiving. Full stop.

[dangermom]

I can't tell you what to do, but if you're a churchgoer perhaps you want to pray about it? Your situation sounds like you should probably get some quite strong confirmation if you're going to have another one, because it sounds to me like you need a break. If you don't want to then you certainly should not.

 

If it helps, I'll tell you that after I had two kids my husband was worried about my health. I wanted to have another one but he insisted that we pray about it a lot. I pretty much said "I want another one, and if it's your will that we stop, you'll have to do something about this." I guess it was God's will that we stop, because one morning I woke up and my desire for children was gone. It had been taken away, and it has never come back. :001_huh: So, we have two kids, in a church where a lot of people have many. But no one has ever given me a hard time about it.

[Aubrey]

If I didn't really want more children then I would try to avoid conceiving. Full stop.

 

:iagree:

 

Although I think it can be hard to know what we want when they're...oh, say TWO. LOL

 

And, either way, it definitely sounds like you need some time to heal from the pressures of legalism or peer pressure or whatever was going on there. It can be hard to tell the difference between one's own thoughts & outside influences for "holiness" in these situations.

 

I come from the opposite side: every church we've ever been in *expects* people to stop having kids after 2 or at least 3. People are horrified that we haven't done anything permanent & aren't sure if we'd like to be done yet or not. It's easy to feel guilty for going over 2 or 3 there, too.

 

I think it's so important that we don't let other people dictate our reproduction. How heartbreaking to reach the next phase of life & realize you wish you'd done something differently (had more OR less).

:grouphug:

[3lilreds in NC]

I can't tell you what to do, but if you're a churchgoer perhaps you want to pray about it? Your situation sounds like you should probably get some quite strong confirmation if you're going to have another one, because it sounds to me like you need a break. If you don't want to then you certainly should not.

 

 

:iagree: Prayer is the answer. If *I* were in your shoes, I would stop. First and foremost, because you don't want more kids, but just as importantly, because you need to get healthy to take care of the children you have.

 

I have a dear friend who has one child. He was a preemie and has a lot of health/developmental problems because of that. She had a very rare form of eclampsia, which would most likely come back if she were to get pregnant again, and could kill her. She thought about having more children, but finally said to me, "My son needs his mother more than he needs a sibling."

 

At first, I was a little taken aback by the way she said it, but she is right. (I think she stated it rather vehemently because she feels defensive - she's Catholic and while she never really wanted children and waited a long time to have one, she was still raised Catholic, KWIM?) The children you have NEED YOU. Take care of YOU so they can have you.

[Lovedtodeath]

No I would not. In fact, I have very similar circumstances and I made sure of it.

[texasmama]

I stopped having kids when I was certain that I didn't want/couldn't handle any more for many reasons, most of which weren't as compelling as your health reasons.

[Crimson Wife]

Well, reasons #1 and #4 are things I've personally experienced and I wouldn't consider them serious enough reasons to not have another baby. 9 months of morning (noon, and night) sickness stinks but it's only temporary. The temperament thing I'm not understanding what it has to do with the decision to have another child or not. :confused:

 

The chronic fatigue would be something I'd want to get under control before thinking about having another baby. Of your list, that's the one thing that seems serious enough to me to limit family size.

[TexasRachel]

I don't think anyone but you, DH, and God have a say in how many kids you have. Personally, I would at least wait, if not stop. I came from a large family and always wanted one, but when ds1 was born and had tons of medical problems I just couldn't handle another child. There's a 7 year gap between our two oldest boys. That's they way it needed to be. Have what works for you.

[Peela]

Gosh no way would I have more kids under those circumstances.

I am sure people will disagree, but if your health is poorly, how can you take good enough care of the kids you already have if you keep having more? I never understood that mentality.

[meggie]

:iagree:

 

Although I think it can be hard to know what we want when they're...oh, say TWO. LOL

 

And, either way, it definitely sounds like you need some time to heal from the pressures of legalism or peer pressure or whatever was going on there. It can be hard to tell the difference between one's own thoughts & outside influences for "holiness" in these situations.

 

I come from the opposite side: every church we've ever been in *expects* people to stop having kids after 2 or at least 3. People are horrified that we haven't done anything permanent & aren't sure if we'd like to be done yet or not. It's easy to feel guilty for going over 2 or 3 there, too.

I think it's so important that we don't let other people dictate our reproduction. How heartbreaking to reach the next phase of life & realize you wish you'd done something differently (had more OR less).

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

You are the one in this situation, no one else. The decision is between you, your husband, and God. I empathize with you because we also belong to a church where there are a lot of big families. And after DS2 (massive amounts of sleep issues: wouldn't sleep, wouldn't stay asleep, wouldn't go back to sleep, wouldn't sleep in, etc) I got Postpartum depression, I think mostly because of sleep deprivation. I really wanted to make him the last one. So we prayed about it and I felt like there was another child. So I thought, "Ok, in another 3 years we can have another." (because I would have MADE him sleep through the night at that point. How? I don't know). **coughDDwasanaccidentcoughcough** And after that I went to the OB and said, "Tie my tubes, I'm done." I didn't pray about it this time, we still haven't gotten an answer, but the OB did strongly recommend an IUD, which at least gives me more time to get that answer. I am 99.99% certain we won't have any more, but at least this way nothing permanent has been done.

 

Sorry, all that to say, "I understand how you feel." I have felt like the biggest Mormon failure in the world because I only wanted two, then three children. It was a very big struggle to overcome these feelings, especially since we live in central Mormon-dom where people my age have 5 children. In the end, I overcame it with lots of prayer and the realization that I will do my best to give these three my absolute best. I feel that God will be happy with this much. The best that you can do may be different than the best that someone else in a different situation can give, but God only expects our personal best. No one else walks in your shoes, no one else has a right to judge you over this.

 

(and if they do, I've found that silently saying, "Your opinion means nothing to me" in my head helps me from taking their comments too personally)

[yellowperch]

My goodness :grouphug:.

 

It doesn't sound like you want to have another baby, and certainly not right away. It also sounds like you need to regain strength and take care of yourself and the babies you have.

 

Unasked for advice: wean your toddler so you can take the medication you need. Are there still a lot of night wakings? If so, help that baby learn to sleep so you can sleep. I'm not a cry it out person, but I would take some gentle firm steps toward helping my baby learn to sleep. It took me three babies to realize that it they don't need to nurse through the night until the are walking, so I know it isn't easy, but you will be a happier woman if you get to sleep. The No Cry Sleep Solution is a good resource. So is a gentle loving person (DH, your mom, a friend, MIL) who will comfort the children through the night as needed until your babies no longer associates sleeping with nursing/and hanging out with mom.

 

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I can almost feel the exhaustion in your post. I know I'll get slammed for suggestion you wean, and it is always your choice, but you sound so tired so I'm just saying your babie swill be fine if you take care of yourself. You need a break, my friend. Please take care...

[meggie]

but I can almost feel the exhaustion in your post. I know I'll get slammed for suggestion you wean, and it is always your choice, but you sound so tired so I'm just saying your babie swill be fine if you take care of yourself. You need a break, my friend. Please take care...

:iagree:

[Garga]

1. You had HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) with both pregnancies, although you didn't have to be hospitalized. (The second time, I still had to worry about vomiting occasionally until 36 weeks.)

 

2. Your health got worse when each baby was about a year old, because your body gave out after all the sleep deprivation.

 

3. After four years of constant problems, you were diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and statistically, had <50% chance of ever recovering.

 

4. Both of your young kids are very active and one is very extroverted and you are an introvert.

 

5. Your health might improve if you could ever get the toddler to wean so you could be properly treated. (The remaining suggested treatments aren't safe for breastfeeding or pregnancy.)

 

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

 

 

By reading your post, it appears that you do not want to have any more children, so it doesn't really matter what the rest of us would do--only what you want to do.

 

 

 

I come from the opposite side: every church we've ever been in *expects* people to stop having kids after 2 or at least 3. People are horrified that we haven't done anything permanent & aren't sure if we'd like to be done yet or not. It's easy to feel guilty for going over 2 or 3 there, too.

 

 

Sigh.

 

So, it looks like the OP goes to a church that expects you to have more, and Aubrey goes to a church that expects you to have few.

 

What does church have to do with it? It's between you and God. Sometimes I think the "church" gets right in the way of people's walk with God. In fact, I know that often the "church" gets in the way of people's walk with God!

 

 

Pray and see what God tells you and then go with it.

Edited April 9, 2011 by Garga

[kchara]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

((sigh)) Don't let the church guilt you. All of the PPs are right, this is between you, your husband, and God. If I were in your shoes, I'd stop, at least for now. I'd get the baby weaned, I'd get my health issues taken care of, and when all that was done, DH and I would pray and revisit... but it would be strictly between me, him, and God. And that's what **I** would do. Not to say that's what you should do. This is so very personal.

 

I would suggest checking your mattress. It sounds like such a small thing, but I realized when we got a new, nice mattress, that I've been sleep deprived for 10 years. Seriously. I didn't realize how badly I was sleeping until I got a decent mattress. It's AMAZING how much my health has changed. I still have to get up with my baby (I wasn't able to BF him, but he's not sleeping through the night yet, either, and we end up cosleeping with him and at least one of his siblings every night), but the sleep in between feedings is SO much better, and I'm just so much healthier in the mornings.

:grouphug:

[ange]

Dear Hoppy,

 

My heart breaks reading your post. I was in your shoes after the birth of our 4th. I had major health issues during my 3rd pregnancy, the worst moment being when I began vomitting blood, went to the ER, they couldn't "do" anything since I was pregnant, and for a couple of hours they couldn't find the baby heartbeat. I got thru it, gained only 14 pounds, had a 9 pound baby and continued to be sick. We struggled w/ the whole "quiverfull" thing as well. All of our "like-minded" Christian fellowship was with people that were so fully reformed/ Calvinist that doing anything to prevent pregnancy was somehow questioning or not trusting in God's sovereignty. Not "accepting" God's blessing of more children was akin to blasphemy. Was I not a "good Christian" if I stopped having babies? I loved my babies. I would have loved more babies but felt so incapable, exhausted, at times, scared. Was it that I didn't trust God enough? Was I just selfish? So I continued caring for baby #3 (along with dd 3 and ds 5), still sick, so sick my body started to shut down (I could not produce breast milk and my hormones began to change so my cycle was very bizarre). I had previously been told after baby #2 that I had fibromyalgia (I was in horrible pain & fatigue) but I got better w/ exercise and chiropractic treatment. After baby #3, I continued to waste away. I was finally diagnosed with severe food allergies and an eosinophilic disorder (this is where the body's own white blood cells attack the body's gastro tract). It turns out the inflammation in my stomach and small intestine was preventing me from absorbing nutrition. One week after my diagnosis, I found out I was pregnant with baby #4. I was terrified. One doctor suggested I terminate the pregnancy considering the risks. (that was horrible). I was closely monitored, but with my new information about my disease, I was able to control symptoms by avoiding foods I was allergic too, mainly wheat. Baby #4 was born healthy, almost 10 pounds a week early. In the hospital I was dubbed "the littlest mommy with the biggest baby". It took me about 3-4 years to fully regain health and proper body weight; baby #4 is about to turn 6 now and people who knew me way back then are just now saying I "look" healthy. I am sharing all this because I can relate to having an extreme health situation, but because of the pressure of a particular religious belief or movement, feel the pressure to conform to it even at risk of my own well-being. Like I said before, I loved babies and of course I wanted to trust God. What finally did it for me was looking down at my 4 kids, all 7 and under..and wondering who was going to take care of them when I was dead. I know that sounds extreme, but I did not know if my body could keep going in those conditions. I thought, hey, God gave me these 4 and he wants me to take care of them. How can I do that when I can barely stand up? How can I answer my 7 year old one more time w/ "mommy can't, she's too sick"? I didn't want to be a sick mommy anymore, and though I know we sometimes can't help that, I wanted to try to get healthy for myself and my children. After #4, DH had done what needed to be done to prevent more pregnancies. Honestly, I was emotional about it. I had spent most of my 20's having babies, and I wished I could be one of those moms that had lots of babies, loved it, and was great at it. But I wasn't that mom. That's okay. I'm not less of a mother, a person, or a Christian for that. I have 4 beautiful kids -and yes they are all blessings. I don't have to have 8 or more in order to believe they are blessings. And since I DO believe in God's sovereignty and His power to do anything - I know if HE wanted me to have another child, HE will make it happen, no matter what we do or don't do. I hope sharing this gives you some peace and helps you to know you're not alone. I also urge you to PRAY and let *God* (not man) lead you in this decision. My prayers and thoughts are with you ~:grouphug: Angie

[PeterPan]

Well first, are you so sure you'd get pregnant if you tried?? Not everyone in your shoes does. Two, have you had your thyroid checked? I'm curious what they're telling you to treat that is so all-fired dangerous you need to wean. I had a doctor make me very sick with alternative treatments (IV's of this, supplements of that), so I'm leery of that kind of stuff. I KNOW my toddler's nursing is dragging down my energy, and I've known it all along. You might not have some mysterious problem so much as just the draining effect of nursing. Start with a bit of problems, add in the nursing, and it just pushes you over the top.

 

After you wean and have 6 months to a year to recover, you might feel differently. I would give yourself that time rather than making a permanent decision now.

 

As far as the HG (morning sickness), well there is a school of thought that that is because of your nutritional status or how toxic you are. I had a LOT less this time (using a nutritionist, eating very well) than I did with my first pregnancy.

[Negin]

Gosh no way would I have more kids under those circumstances.

I am sure people will disagree, but if your health is poorly, how can you take good enough care of the kids you already have if you keep having more? I never understood that mentality.

:iagree:

 

No one's going to like what I have to say. No one. But I believe that in order to have kids, or more kids, and here's why we're very content with two, one needs:

1. Time

2. Energy - if energy or health is in short supply, I prefer to stop.

3. $ - enough $ to live fairly comfortably

4. Patience - often in short supply, but one needs to know one's limits

 

I do not think it's fair on any child to be brought into the world, when one's health or energy levels are already on the low end of the scale. Life is never perfect, but one needs to know one's limits. I personally am never the type to overextend myself. Or at least I prefer not to.

[ktgrok]

I think that if God didn't want us to understand our fertility, and how to make or NOT make babies, he wouldn't have given us obvious cycles and symptoms of fertility. I think we are blessed to be able to use that to say hey, no honey, not tonight....unless you want to be burping and feeding in 9 months, LOL.

 

Trust me, that kills the mood.

 

Katie

[Joyofsixreboot]

Having kids is life altering for them and you. It should be between you and your husband. What the rest of your acquaintances are doing is immaterial. I had HG with all my pregnancies, even the ones I lost so obviously though it was miserable I kept on having children BUT that was our choice and should have no bearing on anyone else's decision.

[Rivka]

Well, reasons #1 and #4 are things I've personally experienced and I wouldn't consider them serious enough reasons to not have another baby. 9 months of morning (noon, and night) sickness stinks but it's only temporary. The temperament thing I'm not understanding what it has to do with the decision to have another child or not. :confused:

 

The chronic fatigue would be something I'd want to get under control before thinking about having another baby. Of your list, that's the one thing that seems serious enough to me to limit family size.

 

Really? You don't think "we don't want more kids" is reason enough by itself?

 

OP, I'd say that you should only have more babies if you want more babies so much that you couldn't stand to do otherwise. You're not in that position. Take care of yourself and the family you already have.

[Just Another Jen]

 

As far as the HG (morning sickness), well there is a school of thought that that is because of your nutritional status or how toxic you are. I had a LOT less this time (using a nutritionist, eating very well) than I did with my first pregnancy.

 

I'd love to hear about this. I am now eating better than ever as well as being gluten and dairy free, Would that mean I wouldn't suffer from HG if I were to be pregnant again?

[regentrude]

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families.

 

This would be a sufficient reason for me to not have any more children.

 

All health considerations aside.

[littlebug42]

:iagree:

 

 

4. Patience - often in short supply, but one needs to know one's limits

 

I do not think it's fair on any child to be brought into the world, when one's health or energy levels are already on the low end of the scale. Life is never perfect, but one needs to know one's limits. I personally am never the type to overextend myself. Or at least I prefer not to.

 

:iagree:

 

I have had two very difficult, HG pregnancies and I do think that is reason enough not to do it again, for me anyways. With all of your reasons put together, I would not have anymore. I understand the pressures, but in my case, I don't think it would be fair to the children I have to choose to have another child knowing full well that it will remove me from their lives for at least 9 months because I am too sick to take care of them. It is just such a personal decision that you and dh need to make together.

[ChristusG]

All those circumstances put together.....I'd stop having kids. It's very important to me to be a good mother to my kids. A lot of those things would stop me from being the mother that I want to be.

[Parrothead]

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

Honestly, I think I'd be looking for another church.

 

There are too many ways we let others dictate to us how we should be living. The pressure is awful. Keping up with the Jones' has taken on a new meaning in the 21st century. The Mommy Wars are just mind boggling.

[JessReplanted]

1. You had HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) with both pregnancies, although you didn't have to be hospitalized. (The second time, I still had to worry about vomiting occasionally until 36 weeks.)

 

2. Your health got worse when each baby was about a year old, because your body gave out after all the sleep deprivation.

 

3. After four years of constant problems, you were diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and statistically, had <50% chance of ever recovering.

 

4. Both of your young kids are very active and one is very extroverted and you are an introvert.

 

5. Your health might improve if you could ever get the toddler to wean so you could be properly treated. (The remaining suggested treatments aren't safe for breastfeeding or pregnancy.)

 

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

 

The part in bold is a *bingo* to me. You don't really want more kids. You don't have to have a huge family!!

[pfamilygal]

We just made the difficult decision to stop having kids after only 6. Because of my health. I just could not continue to have c/s's every 2 yrs. I tried to VBAC (my first two were vag) and had a partial rupture. So we stopped. Because the kids God has given me now are important and deserve a mama who is healthy and active and engaged. Many of my friends have large families, but until God grows our family through adoption, it won't be us.

 

There is no commandment saying you must reproduce every time you possibly can. You just need to listen to what the Lord is telling YOU and obey.

[Mejane]

 

No one's going to like what I have to say. No one. But I believe that in order to have kids, or more kids, and here's why we're very content with two, one needs:

1. Time

2. Energy - if energy or health is in short supply, I prefer to stop.

3. $ - enough $ to live fairly comfortably

4. Patience - often in short supply, but one needs to know one's limits

 

I do not think it's fair on any child to be brought into the world, when one's health or energy levels are already on the low end of the scale. Life is never perfect, but one needs to know one's limits. I personally am never the type to overextend myself. Or at least I prefer not to.

 

I very much like what you had to say, and I totally agree. I've seen situations in which the existing children suffer under the guise of "fruitfulness" for various reasons, including the deteriorating physical and emotional health of the mother. That's not fair, and if I believed in a god who directed fertility, I'd have a very hard time with it.

Edited April 9, 2011 by Mejane

[kchara]

Honestly, I think I'd be looking for another church.

 

There are too many ways we let others dictate to us how we should be living. The pressure is awful. Keping up with the Jones' has taken on a new meaning in the 21st century. The Mommy Wars are just mind boggling.

 

:iagree:

[Copswife]

Wait. You seem to have conflict, so don't get pg, but don't do anything permanent.

[Crimson Wife]

Really? You don't think "we don't want more kids" is reason enough by itself?

 

But the question is WHY does the couple not want more kids. There needs to be a sufficiently serious enough reason to avoid pregnancy. Simply not wanting to sacrifice luxuries or not wanting to deal with feeling lousy during pregnancy or not wanting to deal with the hassles of an infant or whatever aren't serious enough reasons IMHO. The OP's health issues very well might be.

 

Babies are blessings, not burdens. I'm obviously not "Quiverfull" but I do believe that when a couple marries, they commit themselves to being "open to life" and that it's morally wrong to limit family size without having a legitimately serious reason for doing so.

[Veritaserum]

1. You had HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) with both pregnancies, although you didn't have to be hospitalized. (The second time, I still had to worry about vomiting occasionally until 36 weeks.)

 

2. Your health got worse when each baby was about a year old, because your body gave out after all the sleep deprivation.

 

3. After four years of constant problems, you were diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and statistically, had <50% chance of ever recovering.

 

4. Both of your young kids are very active and one is very extroverted and you are an introvert.

 

5. Your health might improve if you could ever get the toddler to wean so you could be properly treated. (The remaining suggested treatments aren't safe for breastfeeding or pregnancy.)

 

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

 

Yes, I'd stop. You should only have as many kids as you want and can care for. Feel no guilt for that. :)

 

ETA: Prior to baby 5 we did not use birth control. Once she was here, we were seriously stressed and overwhelmed by the number and ages of our kids. At this point in my life, I am grateful for birth control. Women today actually have control or whether or not to conceive. I think this is a good thing because not everyone is cut out to be a good parent to lots of children. Without birth control, I'd probably have twelve or more children by the time I hit menopause. That simply isn't a good idea for our family. :)

 

I got an IUD after baby #5. We were pretty sure we were done, but we wanted time to think about it before doing anything permanent. Now that our youngest is almost 3 and our oldest is almost 11, we are feeling like we want one more. My point is, though, that we like being able to choose what is right for us as a couple and as a family. You get to choose that for yourself, too. :)

Edited April 9, 2011 by Veritaserum

[texasmama]

But the question is WHY does the couple not want more kids. There needs to be a sufficiently serious enough reason to avoid pregnancy. Simply not wanting to sacrifice luxuries or not wanting to deal with feeling lousy during pregnancy or not wanting to deal with the hassles of an infant or whatever aren't serious enough reasons IMHO. The OP's health issues very well might be.

 

Babies are blessings, not burdens. I'm obviously not "Quiverfull" but I do believe that when a couple marries, they commit themselves to being "open to life" and that it's morally wrong to limit family size without having a legitimately serious reason for doing so.

 

 

What if a woman feels that she cannot meet the needs of any more children? Would that qualify as a legitimately serious reason for stopping having children? (Not being snarky - just curious about the answer coming from your perspective.)

[mom2scouts]

If you really don't want more kids, why would you even need to ask this question? The health problems just give you even more good reasons not to have more. The other people in your church may have big families, but they aren't the ones living your life and caring for your children.

[RoughCollie]

I do believe that when a couple marries, they commit themselves to being "open to life" and that it's morally wrong to limit family size without having a legitimately serious reason for doing so.

 

I have not heard of this moral belief before. You are certainly entitled to it, but it is not one of mine or that of anyone else I know.

 

I think if the OP doesn't want to have more kids, whatever the reason(s), she should not do so.

Edited April 9, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Pretty in Pink]

If you do not want to have more children, that is a legitimate reason not to conceive. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone. :grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

Gosh no way would I have more kids under those circumstances.

I am sure people will disagree, but if your health is poorly, how can you take good enough care of the kids you already have if you keep having more? I never understood that mentality.

:iagree:

 

Well, reasons #1 and #4 are things I've personally experienced and I wouldn't consider them serious enough reasons to not have another baby. 9 months of morning (noon, and night) sickness stinks but it's only temporary. The temperament thing I'm not understanding what it has to do with the decision to have another child or not. :confused:

 

The chronic fatigue would be something I'd want to get under control before thinking about having another baby. Of your list, that's the one thing that seems serious enough to me to limit family size.

Well, it depends on the severity of morning sickness. If you cannot get enough nutrition... well I know exactly how it feels to almost starve to death. I hope to have it never happen again. I have no doubt that lack of nutrition due to digestive problems in pregnancy breaks down a mother's health, (I am just now getting back in shape and DS is 4!) not to mention the children... both of my kids have very weak enamel and a lot of allergies.

Honestly, I think I'd be looking for another church.

 

There are too many ways we let others dictate to us how we should be living. The pressure is awful. Keping up with the Jones' has taken on a new meaning in the 21st century. The Mommy Wars are just mind boggling.

:iagree:

[Literary Mom]

If you do not want to have more children, that is a legitimate reason not to conceive. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

And theologically...for those who claim from a few verses (taken out of context) that God doesn't give us the choice to limit family size and wants us to have as many children as possible, then they should be trying to conceive constantly (i.e. not just when they feel like it, but whenever it's the woman's fertile time).

 

Have you been to these sites?

 

http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/

http://thatmom.com

http://undermuchgrace.blogspot.com/

http://truewomanhood.wordpress.com/

[Crimson Wife]

What if a woman feels that she cannot meet the needs of any more children? Would that qualify as a legitimately serious reason for stopping having children? (Not being snarky - just curious about the answer coming from your perspective.)

 

It can certainly be a very legitimate reason to avoid pregnancy for a time, and if the circumstances do not change, forever. There just needs to be no pre-determined limit on family size but rather an ongoing evaluation of the decision to see if the circumstances still warrant it.

 

God knows whether the couple has a legitimately serious enough reason to avoid or whether they're just being selfish.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It can certainly be a very legitimate reason to avoid pregnancy for a time, and if the circumstances do not change, forever. There just needs to be no pre-determined limit on family size but rather an ongoing evaluation of the decision to see if the circumstances still warrant it.

 

God knows whether the couple has a legitimately serious enough reason to avoid or whether they're just being selfish.

 

Selfish? Seriously? What a burden to put on another person. A burden that God does not put on them anywhere that I can see in Scripture. Acknowledging that children are a gift of God does not mean that you have to pop more and more of them out.

[maryanne]

1. You had HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) with both pregnancies, although you didn't have to be hospitalized. (The second time, I still had to worry about vomiting occasionally until 36 weeks.)

 

2. Your health got worse when each baby was about a year old, because your body gave out after all the sleep deprivation.

 

3. After four years of constant problems, you were diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and statistically, had <50% chance of ever recovering.

 

4. Both of your young kids are very active and one is very extroverted and you are an introvert.

 

5. Your health might improve if you could ever get the toddler to wean so you could be properly treated. (The remaining suggested treatments aren't safe for breastfeeding or pregnancy.)

 

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

 

Perhaps someone else already suggested this as I didn't have time to read through everyone's responses, but if I were I would wait before making a permanent decisions about this.

 

If I were you, I would take the appropriate steps to avoid any permanent changes either having more children (they're permanent, you know) or avoiding more children. Then, do what you need to do to get yourself healthy-physically, emotionally, whatever... while you pray over the situation.

 

After you have regained your health to whatever extent is possible, you, God, and dh make the right decision for you. I wouldn't make a permanent decision not to have more children while you are feeling like you do unless that was the only way to improve your health and state of mind.

 

I hope this post isn't perceived as a back door attempt to get you to have more children, because I'm definitely not in the "have as many children as you can" camp. I just hate to see you make a decision now in the face of these difficulties that you might regret later when things have improved.

[Heatherwith4]

Selfish? Seriously? What a burden to put on another person. A burden that God does not put on them anywhere that I can see in Scripture. Acknowledging that children are a gift of God does not mean that you have to pop more and more of them out.

:iagree:

 

If you want to stop, then stop. It *does not* matter what anyone else thinks. I wouldn't necessarily take any permanent measures now, because you could change your mind, but at least don't feel guilty about using some form of birth control. You are not being selfish. :grouphug:

[Heatherwith4]

Perhaps someone else already suggested this as I didn't have time to read through everyone's responses, but if I were I would wait before making a permanent decisions about this.

 

If I were you, I would take the appropriate steps to avoid any permanent changes either having more children (they're permanent, you know) or avoiding more children. Then, do what you need to do to get yourself healthy-physically, emotionally, whatever... while you pray over the situation.

 

After you have regained your health to whatever extent is possible, you, God, and dh make the right decision for you. I wouldn't make a permanent decision not to have more children while you are feeling like you do unless that was the only way to improve your health and state of mind.

 

I hope this post isn't perceived as a back door attempt to get you to have more children, because I'm definitely not in the "have as many children as you can" camp. I just hate to see you make a decision now in the face of these difficulties that you might regret later when things have improved.

:iagree: 100%

[texasmama]

It can certainly be a very legitimate reason to avoid pregnancy for a time, and if the circumstances do not change, forever. There just needs to be no pre-determined limit on family size but rather an ongoing evaluation of the decision to see if the circumstances still warrant it.

 

God knows whether the couple has a legitimately serious enough reason to avoid or whether they're just being selfish.

 

Thank you for answering. I am truly trying to gain some understanding of this line of thinking. I am familiar with the quiverfull beliefs on family size. I accept everyone's right to choose their own belief systems regarding this. I (mostly) really like the Duggars. ;)

 

Dh and I chose for him to have a vasectomy when I was 39, a few months after the birth of baby #4, due to having reached maximum capacity for what we could personally (and as a family) handle. For us, that meant that we have four children. Neither of us have had any regrets about the vasectomy. We also never felt that we were not in God's will for us as a couple/family. If dh had not had the snip snip and we continued on without preventing pregnancy, I believe we would have two more and I would be pg, even at the age of 44. That is not something that I could personally handle given my life circumstances, health, hard pgs, finances, etc. As Clint Eastwood said, "A man's gotta know his limitations." ;) Or, in this instance, a man and woman. Dh and I were in agreement that our family was complete. There is a freedom in choosing permanent birth control (for us). I am obviously speaking only for myself and my own very individual situation and don't represent any other person or philosophy.

 

It does make me sad to hear the OP's concern with being judged by others for not having more children, when she clearly doesn't want any more and doesn't feel capable of managing her health issues with any more children.:grouphug: to the OP.

[I.Dup.]

I don't know what I would do. Having many children is hard, there are major sacrifices we all make (who have many children) for various reasons. I'm not sure I "wanted" more after #4 but I'm so thankful God has given us 2 more. :) I've definitely been in your position of wondering and agonizing over this decision.

 

At this point I would agree with the others who said that you sound conflicted, so doing something permanent could be very damaging.

[Mommy22alyns]

If you don't really want any more kids, then don't have any more. Simple.

[Lovedtodeath]

Thank you for answering. I am truly trying to gain some understanding of this line of thinking. I am familiar with the quiverfull beliefs on family size. I accept everyone's right to choose their own belief systems regarding this. I (mostly) really like the Duggars. ;)

 

Dh and I chose for him to have a vasectomy when I was 39, a few months after the birth of baby #4, due to having reached maximum capacity for what we could personally (and as a family) handle. For us, that meant that we have four children. Neither of us have had any regrets about the vasectomy. We also never felt that we were not in God's will for us as a couple/family. If dh had not had the snip snip and we continued on without preventing pregnancy, I believe we would have two more and I would be pg, even at the age of 44. That is not something that I could personally handle given my life circumstances, health, hard pgs, finances, etc. As Clint Eastwood said, "A man's gotta know his limitations." ;) Or, in this instance, a man and woman. Dh and I were in agreement that our family was complete. There is a freedom in choosing permanent birth control (for us). I am obviously speaking only for myself and my own very individual situation and don't represent any other person or philosophy.

 

It does make me sad to hear the OP's concern with being judged by others for not having more children, when she clearly doesn't want any more and doesn't feel capable of managing her health issues with any more children.:grouphug: to the OP.

:iagree:

I very much like what you had to say, and I totally agree. I've seen situations in which the existing children suffer under the guise of "fruitfulness" for various reasons, including the deteriorating physical and emotional health of the mother. That's not fair, and if I believed in a god who directed fertility, I'd have a very hard time with it.

:iagree:with all.