When other people's children listen in on your conversations...

[Rebecca VA]

What would be a nice way of handling this? A friend of mine likes to keep her children close...so close, in fact, that they're almost always in the same room with her (actually, the whole downstairs has an open floor plan). This makes it difficult to hold a personal conversation. The children have a habit of listening in and interrupting frequently. They're actually sweet children; they've just never been told that adult conversations are (at a minimum) semi-private unless a child has been invited to participate.

 

An easy answer would be to keep the conversation on a level that would be appropriate for children to listen to, but life isn't that easy. Mothers always discuss their children (for better and for worse) and often their husbands. Sometimes finances are talked about, or extended family. When I have the opportunity to talk to another mom (which is not often), I don't want to have to keep the conversation bland and dull so the children won't hear things they shouldn't. Nor do I want my private affairs listened to by eavesdroppers. What I *really* want is for the children to run along and play.

 

I'm afraid the mom in question will take offense if I say something. She is very proud of her children, thinks they're "little adults," and thinks listening to adult conversation is "educational" for them. I don't want to offend her (she's a lovely person), and I do have to get together with her on a regular basis, so avoiding her isn't an option. Nor is getting together at my house (where I can shut doors, etc. for privacy), because she doesn't want to take her children to a house where there's a dog. Sigh.

[Mrs Mungo]

This has been discussed before and is a surprisingly divisive topic. I believe there is a time and place for kids to be involved in conversation with adults. I believe there is a time and place that it's perfectly okay to say "run along and play kids, time for some grown-up talk."

[jplain]

You can only change your own behavior and influence the behavior of your own children. You're not likely to have any luck changing the situation at your friend's house. So in your shoes I'd stick to kid-friendly topics of conversation.

 

If I really wanted to have adult conversation with her, I'd suggest a mom's evening out once or twice a month.

[LidiyaDawn]

If you have something to discuss that you don't think is okay for young children to hear, can you invite the mom (just her) out for coffee or something? That would be my suggestion - I actually have a child who *can't* just "run along and play" due to his disabilities, so if you wanted an 'adults only' conversation with me, we would have to specifically set that up (and I wouldn't mind at all) for somewhere else (or on the phone) ... because if you come to my house, chances are pretty high that he'd be right there in the room with me the entire time.

[Crimson Wife]

You can only change your own behavior and influence the behavior of your own children. You're not likely to have any luck changing the situation at your friend's house. So in your shoes I'd stick to kid-friendly topics of conversation.

 

If I really wanted to have adult conversation with her, I'd suggest a mom's evening out once or twice a month.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Koerarmoca]

I have a VERY clingy 5 year old, I can get her to run off and play for 5 mins tops but then she is in my lap, hugging, kissing, cuddling :glare: love her she is sweet but I don't engage in very 'adult' conversations unless she is not here or she is sleeping. She is the type of kid who has no filter and she is smart she could repeat everything verbatim to another child/adult. if something comes up that is not for her ears I will tell the other person. "why don't we talk about that later" or email me that type thing. When its unavoidable I say "PG-13" and she knows to go across the room and cover her ears :lol: it's difficult but I need to shelter her from certain topics as well as protect the privacy of the person who is talking to me. If possible try to get a moms day out, or a nap/bedtime phone call to discuss those more personal matters :grouphug:

[Sputterduck]

Huh. I can't imagine considering children overhearing a conversation in their own house while they're in the same room due to an open floor plan "eavesdroppers".

 

It also seems weird to me to teach children that if adults are talking the conversation is at least semi-private. If you want a semi-private conversation tell the mother that. Don't teach children they aren't welcome by default. That's... odd to me.

[RanchGirl]

You can only change your own behavior and influence the behavior of your own children. You're not likely to have any luck changing the situation at your friend's house. So in your shoes I'd stick to kid-friendly topics of conversation.

 

If I really wanted to have adult conversation with her, I'd suggest a mom's evening out once or twice a month.

 

:iagree: I think the most you can do is kind of start to bring something up, and then say oh wait I think that's a moms only type conversation. That might give her a hint that it's time to send the child along to play. Or it might be the catalyst for setting up some separate girls night type event. If not, then at least you tried, and now just isn't the time in this friendship for adult only conversations.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Huh. I can't imagine considering children overhearing a conversation in their own house while they're in the same room due to an open floor plan "eavesdroppers".

 

It also seems weird to me to teach children that if adults are talking the conversation is at least semi-private. If you want a semi-private conversation tell the mother that. Don't teach children they aren't welcome by default. That's... odd to me.

 

:iagree:

[Murphy101]

This has been discussed before and is a surprisingly divisive topic. I believe there is a time and place for kids to be involved in conversation with adults. I believe there is a time and place that it's perfectly okay to say "run along and play kids, time for some grown-up talk."

 

I agree. Personally, if she doesn't care what they hear, then I wouldn't care either. However, I think it is really rude when children interrupt adult conversation. Not to mention, I would expect the kids to go play with my kids.

[ChristusG]

I do understand what you mean. We have friends that have a young teenage daughter who is "too old" to play with the kids....so she sits in on the adult conversations quite often. I do find myself censoring what I would say....not because I'm saying anything questionable, but because I could be discussing something that just doesn't really have anything to do with kids. Not sure what to do about it.

[Mrs Mungo]

Huh. I can't imagine considering children overhearing a conversation in their own house while they're in the same room due to an open floor plan "eavesdroppers".

 

Hm. The way I read it was that the children were constantly interrupting and interjecting into the conversation. For me, that is a bigger problem than just overhearing.

[Sputterduck]

Hm. The way I read it was that the children were constantly interrupting and interjecting into the conversation. For me, that is a bigger problem than just overhearing.

 

That was because she said, "Nor do I want my private affairs listened to by eavesdroppers."

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do understand what you mean. We have friends that have a young teenage daughter who is "too old" to play with the kids....so she sits in on the adult conversations quite often. I do find myself censoring what I would say....not because I'm saying anything questionable, but because I could be discussing something that just doesn't really have anything to do with kids. Not sure what to do about it.

 

But isn't that kind of censorship just part of social interactions? If I'm talking privately to someone at church and someone else comes and joins the conversation, I censor my conversation so as not to include private material. It's the same when the person joining the conversation is a minor.

 

There are times when I will excuse myself at church and will tell another adult, "I'm sorry, but we need to discuss a private topic. Can I get back to you in a bit?" They are not offended and will give us privacy. I say the same to young people on occasion - but only if we really do need to discuss something privately. I don't think that I need to do it all the time because there are so many wonderful things to discuss - books! hobbies! new ideas! that are open to anyone. I personally rarely discuss my children's foibles with other moms in real life. And I never discuss my husband's foibles. I will discuss issues with some measure of anonymity here but I am very aware of protecting my loved one's privacy and reputation.

[DaffodilDreams]

This has been discussed before and is a surprisingly divisive topic. I believe there is a time and place for kids to be involved in conversation with adults. I believe there is a time and place that it's perfectly okay to say "run along and play kids, time for some grown-up talk."

 

:iagree:

[goldberry]

I have this problem with a very close friend. Her kids are 12 and 13. Sometimes when we are talking they hover right around the table, listening pretty obviously. I am always somewhat surprised that my friend doesn't tell them to run off.

 

When I get uncomfortable, I will kind of glance at the kids, then say "But anyway..." and go silent. Mom usually picks up on this and tells the kids to go outside or something. She usually takes the hint.

 

But for myself, I don't ever let my DD12 stand there like that. I say "Go on, we're talking right now." To me it seems very awkward. I consider it rude, but I know others don't feel that way.

 

The reason is that I do talk about kids, hubby, finances, etc, and don't need that info repeated or have to explain it.

 

ETA, I have taught my daughter that "hovering" is not good manners. (I.E. standing around over other people, if you really don't have any business there)

[Sputterduck]

I'm always telling my 6 year old that if he wants to be a part of adult conversations he needs to listen more so he can learn how.

[FriedClams]

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. It's not so much that I have something "adult" to say, I usually don't, I just don't appreciate kids assuming they are my peers or are entitled to participate in all of my conversations (or parents letting them). I do not think mean or unkind to teach kids that adults are different from them and that they deserve some respect, privacy, and space. I don't expect my kids to join in unless invited nor do they need to listen to my phone calls or read my email. I have let my kids know that there ARE times when they should be seen and not heard. I would not say anything, but I probably wouldn't spend much time with that family when the kids are around.

[Murphy101]

I think "hovering" is rude as well and my children get sent to their room for it. It's like having someone stand over you and we find it very annoying.

 

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. It's not so much that I have something "adult" to say, I usually don't, I just don't appreciate kids assuming they are my peers or are entitled to participate in all of my conversations (or parents letting them). I do not think mean or unkind to teach kids that adults are different from them and that they deserve some respect, privacy, and space. I don't expect my kids to join in unless invited nor do they need to listen to my phone calls or read my email. I have let my kids know that there ARE times when they should be seen and not heard. I would not say anything, but I probably wouldn't spend much time with that family when the kids are around.

 

I agree. We are actually very open here, but no, I don't usually hoover over or interrupt them with their friends and we demand the same respect for adult conversations.

[whitestavern]

I think "hovering" is rude as well and my children get sent to their room for it. It's like having someone stand over you and we find it very annoying.

 

 

 

I agree. We are actually very open here, but no, I don't usually hoover over or interrupt them with their friends and we demand the same respect for adult conversations.

 

:iagree: There are times when I think it is acceptable for kids to participate in conversations with adults, ie. if everyone is sitting around the table after a dinner, or if you're all at a picnic or other type of outing, etc. However, if I have a friend over, one on one, whether she brought other dc or not, it is my time to spend with my friend. I want my dc to know I enjoy spending time alone with my friends, just as they do, and during those times, they are not to hang around us. Of course my dc are 8 & 11; I did not do this when they were younger and/or needed more attention/supervision.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm with you on this one but I have chosen not to say anything. In my case, the woman this happens with All The Time is one of my best friends. She's got a heart of gold and has my back No Matter What. She's such a good friend and so wonderful to me that I take the good with the irritating...... and I'm sure she does the same. So I show her the same respect. If she is ok with her kids being nearby, I'm going to trust her judgment as to whether or not what we're discussing is appropriate for their ears. It still bothers me, but we've been friends for so long now that I've just gotten used to it. I, personally, do NOT allow interruptions from my kids or allow them to hang out with me if I'm having a conversation I don't want them to hear. Interruptions from children, unless an emergency, irk me to no end but I just roll with it if it's someone else's children. With teens, however, I have addressed them and said, "Excuse me but your mother and I were talking." I used to do this with one friend who's teen was totally out of control. I specifically told the mother that if it bothered her to please let me know. The kid listened to me better than her own mother, who at the time just experienced the death of her husband, so I think she appreciated the help and input.

 

There are times when my dear friend will send her kid off so we can discuss something privately, but all too often one child, in particular, is all about listening to what we say. I don't like it but I roll with it. I'm sure there are some quirks about me that irk her some, but we don't allow them to get in the way of our friendship.

 

A couple of times I have told her that I need to speak to her privately and she always respects that. One time, when I was faced with a terrible crisis, I asked if she could talk with no interruptions. Thankfully she never got offended at my wording (I think it was because my situation was so serious) and I'm not offended by her choice to have her kid(s) present as we talk. I'd prefer him not to be but I've gotten over it. I also try not to show irritation when her kids interrupt. It's just not my place. But if MY kids do that, I'm all over it. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I guess I'm one of the people on the "other side" of this divisive issue. If I get together with another woman and her kids then I consider it as visiting her and her children, not a particularly private time. I enjoy talking with the children included and am distressed when children are pushed off to the side.

 

I would keep private conversations for the telephone when I can go somewhere private or for a private meeting at a coffee shop. I have had people come to my house for private conversations but I always knew that in advance and the children knew it in advance and plan accordingly. My children are not adults and do not have the authority of an adult but I do think they are people worthy of respect. Of course I teach my children that other people are worthy of respect and that you don't interrupt or monopolize conversations but take your turn.

 

My children do interact with other children and they do have a certain responsibility to host visiting children but they also have a responsibility to greet and interact with adult visitors too. And I think that adults have a great responsibility to show hospitality to both adults and children in a home. I guess I see this a little bit as a "Suffer the little children to come unto me" situation where the way we treat children has great influence on their spiritual growth.

[mommymilkies]

Huh. I can't imagine considering children overhearing a conversation in their own house while they're in the same room due to an open floor plan "eavesdroppers".

 

It also seems weird to me to teach children that if adults are talking the conversation is at least semi-private. If you want a semi-private conversation tell the mother that. Don't teach children they aren't welcome by default. That's... odd to me.

 

I agree. There's nothing wrong with going to coffee or in a bedroom and asking for privacy from the kids, but it's certainly not something I've ever seen assumed in a house with children. In any family I've ever met, actually.

[Violet Crown]

My teen dd is at that awkward in-between stage. It's especially hard for her at church, where she's old enough to be involved with some of the ministries, and it's hard for her to tell when she can be joining in a conversation as an equal (as is her right), and when I'm having a mom-to-mom talk with a friend. She and I have just discussed the difficulty straightforwardly. If it's a private, "no kids" conversation, I smile and say directly "Mom's just visiting with friends!" and wink at her. She knows she wouldn't want me hanging around when she's visiting with her friends, and she happily ambles off. If it's a "church community" conversation, I turn to make it clear by body language that she's being included in the conversation also.

 

Last week a friend was visiting while dd8 was drawing in the next room. After my friend said something, dd's little voice called out "Oh yes, once I ... no! never mind! not listening!" Civilization comes slowly.

[Annie]

I guess I'm one of the people on the "other side" of this divisive issue. If I get together with another woman and her kids then I consider it as visiting her and her children, not a particularly private time. I enjoy talking with the children included and am distressed when children are pushed off to the side.

 

:iagree:

 

 

Last week a friend was visiting while dd8 was drawing in the next room. After my friend said something, dd's little voice called out "Oh yes, once I ... no! never mind! not listening!" Civilization comes slowly.

 

How precious. :)

[secular_mom]

Huh. I can't imagine considering children overhearing a conversation in their own house while they're in the same room due to an open floor plan "eavesdroppers".

 

It also seems weird to me to teach children that if adults are talking the conversation is at least semi-private. If you want a semi-private conversation tell the mother that. Don't teach children they aren't welcome by default. That's... odd to me.

:iagree: Anything I wouldn't want children to hear would tend to be gossipy anyway, so I'd be glad for the 'reminder' not to gossip. But that's just me. ;)

[FlyingMOm]

:iagree: Anything I wouldn't want children to hear would tend to be gossipy anyway, so I'd be glad for the 'reminder' not to gossip. But that's just me. ;)

 

I can't imagine how this would be so? I can think of lots of IRL examples of adults only topics that are not gossip.

 

My dear friend has parents who are going through a terrible time- the Dad is having an affair & they are considering separating. She has not told her children what is going on. It's hard to ask her how things are going since her 14yo dd is ALWAYS sitting next to us. (She confided in me since I am able been through a similar situation with my parents. I do not believe she has told anyone else other than her dh)

 

When I had suffered a really awful miscarriage- that is something I might have wanted to talk to another Mom about but would not consider it appropriate for a 12-14 yo kid to hear about & nor would I feel comfortable sharing with them.

 

A parenting issue I might want to ask about without broadcasting to another kid about my own child's "issue".

[Melissa in Australia]

Huh. I can't imagine considering children overhearing a conversation in their own house while they're in the same room due to an open floor plan "eavesdroppers".

 

It also seems weird to me to teach children that if adults are talking the conversation is at least semi-private. If you want a semi-private conversation tell the mother that. Don't teach children they aren't welcome by default. That's... odd to me.

+:iagree:

In my house the children are allowed to listen in in conversations with adults. isn't that the whole "socialisation not limited to your own age group" think that homeschoolers are so proud of?

 

I think it is good, as it helps stop the conversations spiralling down to picking on husbands etc.

[Jean in Newcastle]

+:iagree:

In my house the children are allowed to listen in in conversations with adults. isn't that the whole "socialisation not limited to your own age group" think that homeschoolers are so proud of?

 

 

 

That's what I was thinking!

[sassenach]

You can only change your own behavior and influence the behavior of your own children. You're not likely to have any luck changing the situation at your friend's house. So in your shoes I'd stick to kid-friendly topics of conversation.

 

If I really wanted to have adult conversation with her, I'd suggest a mom's evening out once or twice a month.

 

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

Oh, I forgot to add, My children don't interrupt, In fact they rarely speak at all.

[secular_mom]

I can't imagine how this would be so? I can think of lots of IRL examples of adults only topics that are not gossip.

 

My dear friend has parents who are going through a terrible time- the Dad is having an affair & they are considering separating. She has not told her children what is going on. It's hard to ask her how things are going since her 14yo dd is ALWAYS sitting next to us. (She confided in me since I am able been through a similar situation with my parents. I do not believe she has told anyone else other than her dh)

 

When I had suffered a really awful miscarriage- that is something I might have wanted to talk to another Mom about but would not consider it appropriate for a 12-14 yo kid to hear about & nor would I feel comfortable sharing with them.

 

A parenting issue I might want to ask about without broadcasting to another kid about my own child's "issue".

I wouldn't dream of trying to have such a conversation during a normal visit- I would want one on one time with a friend for such topics- so another person's children listening to a conversation during a normal social event would just not be an issue.

[Mrs Mungo]

+:iagree:

In my house the children are allowed to listen in in conversations with adults. isn't that the whole "socialisation not limited to your own age group" think that homeschoolers are so proud of?

 

I think it is good, as it helps stop the conversations spiralling down to picking on husbands etc.

 

One of my friends and I recently had a conversation that was extremely beneficial to both us. It was about our places in the family. I'm an oldest, she's a youngest. Her sister had done something that had offended her. I gave her a different perspective on it. I explained a situation with one of my sisters and how hearing her perspective helped me. It was not gossip. It was not lewd. It was not husband-bashing. But, it was also not child-appropriate.

 

As I said in my initial post, there are times when it is appropriate for children to be involved in a conversation. There are times when everyone needs time to discuss something with a friend, even if kids might be present in the home.

 

I'm not suggesting that shooing children should be the default action. But, neither should we assume bad things of people who want some private time with a friend. I allow my kids to go off with their friends without me constantly inserting myself between them.

[Laura in CA]

I have this problem with a very close friend. Her kids are 12 and 13. Sometimes when we are talking they hover right around the table, listening pretty obviously. I am always somewhat surprised that my friend doesn't tell them to run off.

 

When I get uncomfortable, I will kind of glance at the kids, then say "But anyway..." and go silent. Mom usually picks up on this and tells the kids to go outside or something. She usually takes the hint.

 

But for myself, I don't ever let my DD12 stand there like that. I say "Go on, we're talking right now." To me it seems very awkward. I consider it rude, but I know others don't feel that way.

 

The reason is that I do talk about kids, hubby, finances, etc, and don't need that info repeated or have to explain it.

 

ETA, I have taught my daughter that "hovering" is not good manners. (I.E. standing around over other people, if you really don't have any business there)

 

:iagree: Exact same situation here. I hate it -- I always end up feeling like I "said too much," usually about my own kids (my friend's daughter's peers). My friend realizes the problem but doesn't like to shoo her daughter away, which I understand. We do get enough other chances to chat when the kids are occupied with something else ... I just hate it when I realize I just said something this girl didn't need to hear, or when I'm itching to say something and have to censor myself ... :tongue_smilie:

 

No easy answer. I try to save deep conversations for when we're by ourselves; and in a few years this girl will presumably be in college ...

 

And I agree with the PPs who said that conversation inappropriate for kids is not necessarily gossip -- just, well, private and adult. :001_huh:

[Pretty in Pink]

Sometimes adults do engage in conversations that are not appropriate for little ears; the simple fact that the conversation is 'adults only' does not, in itself, make the conversation bad or unwholesome or inappropriate on the whole.

 

I don't know if this friend is the sort that you (OP) could safely share your reservations with, or if you would even be comfortable doing such a thing. This thread has shown me a few different perspectives on the topic. Often times the only chance I have to get together with some friends is when we schedule a playdate; if I were inclined to have a private conversation with them, it would likely take place during that time. Private phone conversations do not happen around these parts unless they take place after the kids are in bed; I mean, most days I'm doing well to use the restroom without intrusion! :001_smile:

 

I did have one friend that was constantly surrounded by her children. She would leave them in the care of her dh ONLY to attend functions at church. It was literally impossible to schedule any sort of one on one time with her, and it was stressful on our friendship and, ultimately, her own marriage. That is probably another conversation though.

[Jean in Newcastle]

One of my friends and I recently had a conversation that was extremely beneficial to both us. It was about our places in the family. I'm an oldest, she's a youngest. Her sister had done something that had offended her. I gave her a different perspective on it. I explained a situation with one of my sisters and how hearing her perspective helped me. It was not gossip. It was not lewd. It was not husband-bashing. But, it was also not child-appropriate.

 

As I said in my initial post, there are times when it is appropriate for children to be involved in a conversation. There are times when everyone needs time to discuss something with a friend, even if kids might be present in the home.

 

I'm not suggesting that shooing children should be the default action. But, neither should we assume bad things of people who want some private time with a friend. I allow my kids to go off with their friends without me constantly inserting myself between them.

 

I've found that most of time there is a natural ebb and flow to these kinds of visits. The kids go off and then come back and then go off again etc. We allow our conversations to match the ebb and flow. If I had a friend whose kids were always close and I really needed to talk to her about something more adult in nature, I would simply choose to call her or e-mail her or find another way of communicating.

[Mrs Mungo]

I've found that most of time there is a natural ebb and flow to these kinds of visits. The kids go off and then come back and then go off again etc. We allow our conversations to match the ebb and flow. If I had a friend whose kids were always close and I really needed to talk to her about something more adult in nature, I would simply choose to call her or e-mail her or find another way of communicating.

 

I agree that typically visits have a natural ebb and flow. But, I can think of times when say, a friend has kids the age of my youngers and no teen. My eldest has been shooed when I felt like the conversation was naturally touching on something that a friend needed to talk about. That is the sort of thing I was thinking of.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree that typically visits have a natural ebb and flow. But, I can think of times when say, a friend has kids the age of my youngers and no teen. My eldest has been shooed when I felt like the conversation was naturally touching on something that a friend needed to talk about. That is the sort of thing I was thinking of.

 

I do agree with you. And I have told my kids "We need to talk privately right now. Can you go outside and play?" But it isn't the blanket statement that was made by the OP and some others about not having kids listening in or engaging in general conversation at all. That is something that I find rather offensive, actually. (And I know from another thread that the OP is just feeling cranky today and was just letting off steam so I'm not picking on her!)

[Mrs Mungo]

I do agree with you. And I have told my kids "We need to talk privately right now. Can you go outside and play?" But it isn't the blanket statement that was made by the OP and some others about not having kids listening in or engaging in general conversation at all. That is something that I find rather offensive, actually. (And I know from another thread that the OP is just feeling cranky today and was just letting off steam so I'm not picking on her!)

 

I just took the OP as a vent, not as a rail against children speaking to adults in general.

[melissel]

One of my friends and I recently had a conversation that was extremely beneficial to both us. It was about our places in the family. I'm an oldest, she's a youngest. Her sister had done something that had offended her. I gave her a different perspective on it. I explained a situation with one of my sisters and how hearing her perspective helped me. It was not gossip. It was not lewd. It was not husband-bashing. But, it was also not child-appropriate.

 

As I said in my initial post, there are times when it is appropriate for children to be involved in a conversation. There are times when everyone needs time to discuss something with a friend, even if kids might be present in the home.

 

I'm not suggesting that shooing children should be the default action. But, neither should we assume bad things of people who want some private time with a friend. I allow my kids to go off with their friends without me constantly inserting myself between them.

 

:iagree:

 

In addition, some of us can't get away for coffee that easily, because of our schedule, friend's schedule, our DHs' schedules, etc. And phone conversations pose the same problem--many interruptions, poor phone connection (I miss my landline!), more crossed schedules, and so on. The majority of the time, when we ARE able to get together, the kids have to be with us.

 

My best friend is like the sister I never had. Sometimes I NEED to be able to talk to her about things, and often we're talking about the kids (school issues, homeschool issues, social issues, development issues). She's like a mentor to me, and sometimes the advice I need is best not overheard by little pitchers. There are plenty of occasions where we get together and do things as families, but IMO, adults are entitled to have conversations without children listening in even if they happen to be in the same house.

[amydavis]

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. It's not so much that I have something "adult" to say, I usually don't, I just don't appreciate kids assuming they are my peers or are entitled to participate in all of my conversations (or parents letting them). I do not think mean or unkind to teach kids that adults are different from them and that they deserve some respect, privacy, and space. I don't expect my kids to join in unless invited nor do they need to listen to my phone calls or read my email. I have let my kids know that there ARE times when they should be seen and not heard. I would not say anything, but I probably wouldn't spend much time with that family when the kids are around.

:iagree:

 

:iagree: There are times when I think it is acceptable for kids to participate in conversations with adults, ie. if everyone is sitting around the table after a dinner, or if you're all at a picnic or other type of outing, etc. However, if I have a friend over, one on one, whether she brought other dc or not, it is my time to spend with my friend. I want my dc to know I enjoy spending time alone with my friends, just as they do, and during those times, they are not to hang around us. Of course my dc are 8 & 11; I did not do this when they were younger and/or needed more attention/supervision.

:iagree:

 

:iagree:

 

In addition, some of us can't get away for coffee that easily, because of our schedule, friend's schedule, our DHs' schedules, etc. And phone conversations pose the same problem--many interruptions, poor phone connection (I miss my landline!), more crossed schedules, and so on. The majority of the time, when we ARE able to get together, the kids have to be with us.

 

My best friend is like the sister I never had. Sometimes I NEED to be able to talk to her about things, and often we're talking about the kids (school issues, homeschool issues, social issues, development issues). She's like a mentor to me, and sometimes the advice I need is best not overheard by little pitchers. There are plenty of occasions where we get together and do things as families, but IMO, adults are entitled to have conversations without children listening in even if they happen to be in the same house.

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

I wouldn't dream of trying to have such a conversation during a normal visit- I would want one on one time with a friend for such topics- so another person's children listening to a conversation during a normal social event would just not be an issue.

 

with almost ALL the homeschool moms I know, this wouldn't even be a possibility. We all are so busy that nailing down time to be together, a time that will mesh with everyone's schedule, is a very difficult task. To add in another time to speak privately, in person, nearly impossible. Really!

 

I'm thinking of one of my best friends, the one I spoke of with the hovering son. She has five kids, some in ps, some hs, just like me. She and I both have farms. Her husband works nights, mine days. Our time together during the school year is precious and too much time goes between visits. We keep connected by texting and phone conversations but SEEING each other is challenging during the school year.

 

Just another stone to throw into this conversation. ;)

 

While we usually have time with all our kids present and conversing, I also REALLY enjoy adult conversation without the kids present.

[unsinkable]

This is a bit different situation:

 

I was dropping DD off at GS camp. It was just her troop so one mom was taking care of all the medicines.

 

I needed to give her DD's medicines and sign something. There was a complication because DD's neuro had changed her meds but told us to use up what we had in one bottle first. The problem was that the bottle said a different dose. The bottle something like take 1 in AM and 2 in PM. But the doc changed it to 2 in AM and 2 in PM.

 

I totally forgot that this is a big no-no in GS...that they will only do what the bottle says. So I am standing there, trying to explain what is happening and we are literally surrounded by about 6 to 8 other girls.

 

I told the girls I'd like some privacy. All of them walked away except for the medicine mom's DD. She just let her DD stand there and listen to the entire thing. Now it's not that big of a deal b/c everyone knows DD has epilepsy and takes meds but it just BUGGED me that I had to be the one to ask the girls to leave and then the mom let her DD stay.

 

:mad:

[arghmatey]

We teach our children not to have private discussions in front of others. If I need to speak with my friend about something private, I do it when I'm in private.

 

If you don't want to offend her, then don't. Talk about non-private topics.

 

ETA: Also, it would be perfectly acceptable to ask the children to excuse the two of you for a few minutes if you are already in the middle of a private conversation. For example, if you and your friend are chatting alone in a room, and the children enter the room in the middle of a sensitive topic. I would never, however, ask anyone of any age to leave the room to serve my conversational desire.

Edited March 22, 2011 by arghmatey

[melissel]

We teach our children not to have private discussions in front of others. If I need to speak with my friend about something private, I do it when I'm in private.

 

If you don't want to offend her, then don't. Talk about non-private topics.

 

ETA: Also, it would be perfectly acceptable to ask the children to excuse the two of you for a few minutes if you are already in the middle of a private conversation. For example, if you and your friend are chatting alone in a room, and the children enter the room in the middle of a sensitive topic. I would never, however, ask anyone of any age to leave the room to serve my conversational desire.

 

Just about the only time I'm ever in private is when I'm in the bathroom. One of my kids wakes when I do, and the other goes to bed when I do. They're with me all day. On the days when DH is home from work, I'm often working my own job. If I'm not, we're together as a family. With rare exceptions, the only time I get with my friends is when all of our kids are with us.

 

And I'd have no problem asking my DH to give a friend and me some privacy to talk about some sensitive issues, and I can't see my DH ever being offended if I did so. I have no problem telling my kids that Daddy and I need to talk privately if we're needing to do so. I don't see why that would that be any different with another adult.

[arghmatey]

Just about the only time I'm ever in private is when I'm in the bathroom. One of my kids wakes when I do, and the other goes to bed when I do. They're with me all day. On the days when DH is home from work, I'm often working my own job. If I'm not, we're together as a family. With rare exceptions, the only time I get with my friends is when all of our kids are with us.

 

And I'd have no problem asking my DH to give a friend and me some privacy to talk about some sensitive issues, and I can't see my DH ever being offended if I did so. I have no problem telling my kids that Daddy and I need to talk privately if we're needing to do so. I don't see why that would that be any different with another adult.

 

I can understand that. We cultivate and teach solitude, so this isn't a problem for us. Different strokes for different folks.

 

SO gives me privacy without me having to request it. Additionally, my friends feel comfortable discussing things in front of him because they know up front I tell him everything anyway--no exceptions. They choose their subject matter accordingly.

[Mom2boys]

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. It's not so much that I have something "adult" to say, I usually don't, I just don't appreciate kids assuming they are my peers or are entitled to participate in all of my conversations (or parents letting them). I do not think mean or unkind to teach kids that adults are different from them and that they deserve some respect, privacy, and space. I don't expect my kids to join in unless invited nor do they need to listen to my phone calls or read my email. I have let my kids know that there ARE times when they should be seen and not heard. I would not say anything, but I probably wouldn't spend much time with that family when the kids are around.

:iagree:

[melissel]

I can understand that. We cultivate and teach solitude, so this isn't a problem for us. Different strokes for different folks.

 

SO gives me privacy without me having to request it. Additionally, my friends feel comfortable discussing things in front of him because they know up front I tell him everything anyway--no exceptions. They choose their subject matter accordingly.

 

Oh my word, if you could tell me how to teach these kids solitude, I would love to know! I am an introvert in a family of total extroverts :glare: They want company for everything :willy_nilly:

 

And yes, DH definitely gives privacy without my requesting it--he knows what needs to happen when DBF and I are together :lol: But if he happened to wander in during a sensitive conversation, he'd be glad to have me ask him for privacy, and glad to give it. I'm one of the (apparently few) people here who think that kids should be taught the same thing, I guess--some conversations are for everyone, and some are not.

[Impish]

If an adult hovered in the doorway, obviously listening in to a conversation they weren't a part of, I would consider it very rude.

 

I don't see how that's different with kids. I guess I just don't agree with the idea that children have the right to always be included in everything at all times. As an adult, a parent, a person, I *should* be able to have a conversation without being interrupted or spied on.

[arghmatey]

Oh my word, if you could tell me how to teach these kids solitude, I would love to know! I am an introvert in a family of total extroverts :glare: They want company for everything :willy_nilly:

 

And yes, DH definitely gives privacy without my requesting it--he knows what needs to happen when DBF and I are together :lol: But if he happened to wander in during a sensitive conversation, he'd be glad to have me ask him for privacy, and glad to give it. I'm one of the (apparently few) people here who think that kids should be taught the same thing, I guess--some conversations are for everyone, and some are not.

 

I agree with all the actions you would take and how they would be received; however, I think it's just a matter of how it actually WORKS in each household or family.

 

SO would not mind at all if I asked for privacy, but there hasn't been a situation where I've needed to ask. When I have friends over, if he walks through the room, we then include him in the conversation. I don't know if he's ever walked through the room and not been welcomed and included!

 

We teach the children to GIVE people privacy by modeling it--SO models it by steering clear when my friends are here, I model it by doing the same, or by giving pockets of alone time.

 

As far as teaching solitude, I teach it the same way I teach the love of reading--it increasing amounts of attention span. I don't leave the toddler on her own for an hour, but my 4YO might play or read in the library for an hour (at this point--it hasn't always been this way). I'm an extrovert when around people, but I jealously guard my alone time. Our children are gregarious extroverts, but they don't need to be around us 24/7. I just want to raise them to be comfortable going to a movie or out to eat by themselves one day. Hopefully they'll get there one day (a day FAR into the future).

 

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but it works for us and for our set.

Edited March 22, 2011 by arghmatey
clarification of something that made NO sense!