S/O husband thread: Why? Hivemen, feel free to help us out

[Parrothead]

I've got one of those that can't/won't see certain things around the house that desperately need pretty immediate attention. I don't understand it. It baffles me to no end. I wonder if it is one of those Bill Cosby things - if I ignore it or do it badly I'll never have to do it.

 

Finding the answer to the question of why may save my marriage. Right now this is a big cloud over us. It started about 5 years ago when I got sick. The dynamic changed. The last three years have been especially bad.

 

So in general why don't men see what needs doing?

[RoughCollie]

So in general why don't men see what needs doing?

 

IMO, they don't want to do it because it is not important to them, or they think it is not their job. This begs the question of why it is not their job. In our house, it is because DH works to support the family financially, and because he is tired, and because he is not a female or a child.

 

Tonight, I asked DH to get his laundry off the floor and put it into the hamper sitting next to the pile, which hamper was empty and is clearly marked with his name on it. I said that one of the boys would take it down to the basement, and it would be washed tomorrow.

 

A couple of hours later, he told me that he had finished doing chores for me. He put his laundry in the hamper and took it to the basement. He picked up the used kleenex that he had put on the floor next to his side of the bed.

 

I kept my mouth shut, but how is this *for me*? Especially since it has not even been a week since I had a heart attack and my physical activities have been severely curtailed by my cardiac surgeon?

Edited February 14, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Mrs Mungo]

My dh used to be pretty bad about this. One day I sat him down and explained how it made ME responsible for EVERYTHING by default. That it was OUR home and he needed to act like it.

[Peela]

Maybe they don't care as much as we do? Maybe they literally don't notice? I tend to find men very straightforward so I doubt its anything very complicated :) They probably just. dont.notice.

I know my son cant find an item of clothing or his wallet even if its lying on the floor in front of him. He just cant se it. Must be some sort of wiring.

 

Also, perhaps their mothers picked up after them and they were never taught. I know in my dh's case, and he does notice and help in his own way, his mother was very, very strict to the point of being anal, about cleanliness and tidiness. Visiting her home is like visiting a sterile zone- not warm and comforting. I know she did train her boys and they are all good at keeping home except the youngest who was probably spoiled.

[Alenee]

Maybe they don't care as much as we do? Maybe they literally don't notice? I tend to find men very straightforward so I doubt its anything very complicated :) They probably just. dont.notice.

I know my son cant find an item of clothing or his wallet even if its lying on the floor in front of him. He just cant se it. Must be some sort of wiring.

 

.

:iagree:

 

I also think it happens almost naturally. We allow eachother to fall into a 'role' within the home. Dh doesn't do a whole lot around here when it comes to cleaning but he does do A LOT of other things. All I have to do is snap my fingers and I have whatever I want when it comes to computers. Need a chick brooder? It was built within an hour. If I say I need to buy something, I never hear him say that I can't. "Honey, do I really have to cook tonight?" "No, absolutely not...we'll be fine!" I could keep going...

 

I think it's far too easy to fall into that line of thinking, "My dh doesn't help out around here." Instead, I found it much more beneficial to look at what he DOES do. I realize there are marriages where one DOES carry the majority of the load (btdt) but as I said above, I found that a better way to look at it was to see what he does do and thank him genuinely.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, in our first three years of marriage, I used to get very upset about what seemed like dh blatantly ignoring the crucial things that needed to get done. After many, many talks, and one rather disastrous encounter with a marriage counselor, I've just accepted that this is how things are and I can live with it, or choose to divorce. I choose to live with it.

 

He truly does not have a clue what needs to be done around the house unless I tell him specifically. And even then, I need to write out explicit step by step instructions.

 

Even if he did SEE the things for himself, for myriad reasons, dh truly believes that since his primary function in our household is to earn the money, that is all he is required to do. In his mind, since I stay home, I should handle all of the household responsibilities. And I do. We've had so many conversations about how it is physically impossible for me to do everything by myself all the time. So, he does things "to help me out" and not because he feels they are his responsibility as a member of the household. I've told him that I agree that since I'm not working outside the home, the bulk of the household chores should be mine. And that probably most wives who do not work outside the home take care of the majority of the housework. However, I maintain that the husbands usually do something to contribute to the running of the household, like pay the bills, take responsibility for car maintenance, do the yardwork, do handy man repairs, etc. Dh does none of these things, and really, truly does not think he needs to do them.

[TheCoffeeChick]

I agree with Peela - they probably don't even notice it needs to be done. :D

 

My dh willingly does what I ask him - but I need to make a list that he can see and can check off for him to get it done. So if the gutters need cleaned out I can't just mention it to him, I have to have it written down on his things to do list. It'll get done - probably not when I'd prefer it to get done, but eventually he'll do it.

Edited February 14, 2011 by BramFam

[JFSinIL]

How about this - for MONTHS I wondered when hubby, a lawyer experienced in special needs, etc. , would start the ball rolling to get our now adult son on Social Security (SSI for disabled folks). He had (FINALLY) done the paperwork to get SillyAutismMan a trust, and us both guardianship. So on to the next step...

 

Turns out he was waiting for ME to do it - since I am Mom. :glare:

 

Sigh.

 

Kinda bigger than a bit of dirty laundry left on the floor! ;)

 

(PS - SAM got his first SSI check last week. Now if only we could find him a group home....he has seen his twin go off to college and is sad he is still at home.)

[ChristusG]

I'm with you. I have no idea why he cannot see it. I mean, really? Sometimes I think the whole "men just don't see those things" is a cop out. HOW can he NOT see the big mound of toys that he's stepping around in order to get to the couch? He would rather step around them 500 times instead of pick them up.

 

My DH doesn't really help around the house. He says that he will if I specifically ask, but even then he does it with an "I guess." To me, "I guess" means" if I have to, but I really don't want to." Well I don't want to either LOL!

[Dana]

I'm with you. I have no idea why he cannot see it. I mean, really? Sometimes I think the whole "men just don't see those things" is a cop out. HOW can he NOT see the big mound of toys that he's stepping around in order to get to the couch? He would rather step around them 500 times instead of pick them up.

 

 

So, a bit of role reversal here.

 

I do see the mound of toys. It's just that it doesn't generally bother me. I can ignore it and then it becomes part of my routine. My husband hardly comes in my "office" at home for the piles of books and papers. He tries to ignore my side of the bedroom.

 

I don't clean the house - and I generally don't notice its state. It just becomes part of the background.

 

That said, we do have a division of certain responsibilities. I do the bills and laundry; he does the grocery shopping and evening cooking. Much of everything else is a catch as catch can - and the clutter (or dirt) gets to an annoyance level for my husband much before it gets to an annoyance level for me.

 

Peela's comment on "maybe they just don't care" is really on target for me. Cleaning is very very very low on my priority list.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

So, a bit of role reversal here.

 

I do see the mound of toys. It's just that it doesn't generally bother me. I can ignore it and then it becomes part of my routine. My husband hardly comes in my "office" at home for the piles of books and papers. He tries to ignore my side of the bedroom.

 

I don't clean the house - and I generally don't notice its state. It just becomes part of the background.

 

That said, we do have a division of certain responsibilities. I do the bills and laundry; he does the grocery shopping and evening cooking. Much of everything else is a catch as catch can - and the clutter (or dirt) gets to an annoyance level for my husband much before it gets to an annoyance level for me.

 

Peela's comment on "maybe they just don't care" is really on target for me. Cleaning is very very very low on my priority list.

 

This is me. My best friend is like this as well. We WISHED that the piles of toys, books, clutter bothered us. But they don't. I don't think it's a man-thing at all.

[Dana]

This is me. My best friend is like this as well. We WISHED that the piles of toys' date=' books, clutter bothered us. But they don't. I don't think it's a man-thing at all.[/quote']

 

I think my husband wishes it bothered me. :lol:

I'm fine with it not being a priority (until it reaches health hazard status).

[Mejane]

I wonder what things specifically you mean. Are you talking about maintenance issues like painting, repairing things, etc. or about housekeeping or childcare? If it's the latter, I don't think most men think of it as their job, so it's not on their radar. That's my dh. Otoh, with maintenance issues, he drives me crazy with his projects. I feel we can never relax because he's always asking me to hold a ladder or fetch him some tool. So, in my house, even though I'm grateful he takes care of things, I also wish he'd :chillpill: once in awhile. Or forget about the gutters and do a load of laundry. :001_smile:

 

ETA: I saw the other thread, and my answer would be that it depends on how sick I am. If I have a cold, no, he won't just start doing things. If I'm down for the count, like when I had Lyme disease and was sick in bed for almost a month, then, yes, he will.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Mejane

[elegantlion]

We're kind of the opposite. My dh notices everything that needs to be done and feels the need to comment on it :glare:. I am sort of a space cadet in the household department and really don't notice things, except a stack of papers I created. :lol: I really don't see it. It's worse when I'm stressed.

 

Example:

 

I hand washed some dishes and I didn't wring out the sponge afterward. Dh was not happy it was full of cold water when he went to use it next. It was never on my radar to notice. My dh has no problem doing his own laundry if necessary or cooking dinner for himself and ds if I'm sick. He's not perfect by any means but he would make a house husband.

[Sasharowan]

It depends on where the focus lies also. I can walk around the yard for hours and never notice this new plant, that plant needs water or trimming, etc. but the sharp stick that ds5 will use for a sword and scratch his siblings is glaringly obvious to me. Dh walks into the yard, immediately notices the plants (fromacross the yard) and deals with them, but never notices ds5 swinging said sharp stick too close to his siblings. If he does notice ds5 and stick, he will correst his stance and swing, not have him put down the stick. In the house, it is the same. He immediately notices the mess, it bothers him, and he starts cleaning. A lot of the stuff that he points out, I literally do not see it until he points it out. Some of it I can catalog in my head as deal with later, like ds5's toys in the living room while we school. I am much better at noticing and dealing with stuff than I was when we married, so I am slowly learning.

[Plucky]

I wonder what things specifically you mean. Are you talking about maintenance issues like painting, repairing things, etc. or about housekeeping or childcare? If it's the latter, I don't think most men think of it as their job, so it's not on their radar. That's my dh. Otoh, with maintenance issues, he drives me crazy with his projects. I feel we can never relax because he's always asking me to hold a ladder or fetch him some tool. So, in my house, even though I'm grateful he takes care of things, I also wish he'd :chillpill: once in awhile. Or forget about the gutters and do a load of laundry. :001_smile:

 

 

 

Yes, this is my dh. He has constant projects. He stresses himself out about all the things he wants to get done, which is so much fun for the rest of us. LOL On the other hand, I know that my sil wishes his brother did any maintenance without being nagged and I know people whose houses fall apart due to lack of upkeep.

 

My dh maintains our home and makes it nicer for us and handles all car maintenance. He does pick up sometimes, but lately not as much. He was home for a week and oh how messy my house became between projects and entertainment. Now that the kids are older it's not a big deal. Everyone working together can help us recover from the hurricane of mess in 30 minutes or so. :D

[Sasharowan]

Peela's comment on "maybe they just don't care" is really on target for me. Cleaning is very very very low on my priority list.

 

Yes, this is me too. To me it is important that the kids are fed, healthy, and learning; that I am there for my friends and family when they need me; that we are building memories for the kids of things other than a spotless house :lol:. He is physically bothered by some of our messes though, so we try to do them when he is at work and clean up before he gets home.

[texasmama]

I have explored this issue in my marriage.:001_smile: For us, the issue it two fold:

 

1. If it is not on his narrowly defined list of responsibilities, he doesn't do it. It doesn't occur to him that he should. He is the baby of a family and was raised by two women who always did everything for him, well into his adulthood. (Making dental appointments for him when he was 30 years old, after we were married, for instance.) Ladies, train your sons in the fine art of house cleaning, cooking and laundry. I plan to.:tongue_smilie: Mostly, dh doesn't seem to care if the house is clean, though he does complain about clutter at times.

 

2. If he does clean up, he then protects the "cleaniliness" as though it cost him personally a million dollars, becoming very frustrated when anyone messes it up, as happens in the general course of a day. I once pointed out to him that after I clean, I don't rant about people then making a mess and that, when he does this, it sends the message that his labor is much more important than anyone else's. He received this with surprise but accepted it and agreed that it is not an appropriate attitude to take. He had never thought about any of these things. They just "were". He seems to need my help to connect the dots with these sorts of issues. The division of labor is very traditional in our home, and I am fine with that. But it would be nice to have a partner who practiced bending over at the waist and picking things off the floor.:tongue_smilie:

[Daisy]

My husband actually helps out a ton when I'm sick but rarely without my having to tell him what needs doing...

 

1. Beyond making sure the kids are fed, he really just doesn't know what gets done. He has his list of things he does at work. He does them every day & he does them well. If he had to do my job every single day, he'd be great at it but he'd have to learn it. LOL.

 

2. He IS a detail man just sometimes with the wrong details. So when I'm sick, he'll spend an hour fixing the leaky toilet because it was making noise and might be keeping me awake. Meantime the kids are arguing and running through the house KEEPING me awake. LOL. He thought he was helping me. It's cute.

 

3. Stuff just doesn't bother him as much as it does me. When I'm stressed I want everything perfectly clean and in its place. When he is stressed, he wants to play. HUGE DIFFERENCE in how we respond to stress and that can create conflict. He just wants me to forget about the house and go to the park because he knows we'll be in a better mood when we get back. I want him to help me get the house clean because I know it is still going to be here when we get back.

 

I have bronchitis right now. The house is a mess but the kids got fed last night and Jon played a monster long game of Monopoly with them. Do I wish the laundry wasn't piling up and the dishes were all clean? Sure. But at least the kids are covered. He would do the dishes and the laundry if I asked him but why take him away from the game with the kids? Laundry and dishes are always there. Hey, I think after 16 years of marriage he might be wearing off on me or I'm just that sick. :D

[Jen in PA]

The division of labor here is so entrenched that the dc have actually panicked when they saw me behind the lawnmower or dh with the vacuum in his hand..... But some of the things he fails to notice amaze me. He will notice a mound of toys, but will have failed to notice how I help the dc tackle that sort of a thing. With ds especially, saying "clean that up" means that he will just move the mound to a less noticeable spot. I have to specify which items/sets of items go where. And guess what? I often have to do the same with dh. My thyroid has been out of whack since right around Christmas, and it has been a struggle to keep up the house and schooling. What I notice when I let the house slide is that I get stressed and he does not. If I switch to a week of low-prep meals in the kitchen I am disappointed by the food and he isn't. Sometimes I wish he cared more, but then I wonder how that would play out when I really want/need to let something slide. Maybe it is easier to keep our standards at different levels.

[forty-two]

Neither dh nor I are great at this cleaning thing. But I notice all these little things (they may or may not bother me - but I *do* notice them ;)), and I really believe that dh just doesn't. I've watched him sit on something that was *obviously* in his chair too many times - and every time when I point it out he is genuinely surprised :tongue_smilie:.

 

A lot of it is habit and personality, I think - I'm a perfectionist and very detail-oriented, and was taught to clean by someone just like me ;). And dh *isn't* a detail person *at all* :tongue_smilie:- not at home or at work. He is constantly thankful for the assistant youth leader, who happily takes care of all the little things that wouldn't have occurred to dh until it was too late - he had to do all those things at another church and it wasn't pretty. And his mom is pretty laid back - puts up with stuff that I couldn't live with (no one *ever* closes food containers in that house except her - they just leave it on the counter, wide open :confused: - that I *did* manage to train out of dh ;)) - and the one time I helped her clean she was *shocked* at the attention to detail I displayed - said that her two *never* would have done that.

 

So while I notice the shirt that I step over for a week *every time* (though without bothering to *do* anything about it :lol:), even when it doesn't bother me, I've come to believe that dh truly doesn't consciously process it. Anything I want him to do, I explicitly tell him - every time, usually :tongue_smilie:.

 

ETA: Also, even when we *are* cleaning, dh still somehow misses the little things right in front of his face - I'll point them out, and he doesn't get how he missed them.

Edited February 14, 2011 by forty-two

[GWOB]

My husband actually helps out a ton when I'm sick but rarely without my having to tell him what needs doing...

 

1. Beyond making sure the kids are fed, he really just doesn't know what gets done. He has his list of things he does at work. He does them every day & he does them well. If he had to do my job every single day, he'd be great at it but he'd have to learn it. LOL.

 

2. He IS a detail man just sometimes with the wrong details. So when I'm sick, he'll spend an hour fixing the leaky toilet because it was making noise and might be keeping me awake. Meantime the kids are arguing and running through the house KEEPING me awake. LOL. He thought he was helping me. It's cute.

 

3. Stuff just doesn't bother him as much as it does me. When I'm stressed I want everything perfectly clean and in its place. When he is stressed, he wants to play. HUGE DIFFERENCE in how we respond to stress and that can create conflict. He just wants me to forget about the house and go to the park because he knows we'll be in a better mood when we get back. I want him to help me get the house clean because I know it is still going to be here when we get back.

 

I have bronchitis right now. The house is a mess but the kids got fed last night and Jon played a monster long game of Monopoly with them. Do I wish the laundry wasn't piling up and the dishes were all clean? Sure. But at least the kids are covered. He would do the dishes and the laundry if I asked him but why take him away from the game with the kids? Laundry and dishes are always there. Hey, I think after 16 years of marriage he might be wearing off on me or I'm just that sick. :D

 

Our guys sound very much alike! What he thinks needs to get done is often very different from what I thinks needs to get done. It has taken me a long time to realize he isn't being mean, spiteful, lazy, or whatever. We just have different priorities.

[Plucky]

It has taken me a long time to realize he isn't being mean, spiteful, lazy, or whatever. We just have different priorities.

 

Bingo! :001_smile:

[GWOB]

Can I just bring up the whole "Big Fork and Spoon" episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? I cannot tell you how many times we have had similar, um, "discussions" about the suitcase, sometimes really about a suitcase. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it matters more to me to pick up X than it does to dh. Sometimes he really just doesn't care, which comes in handy when we have a pile of clean laundry sitting on our couch for at least a week.

[Parrothead]

My dh used to be pretty bad about this. One day I sat him down and explained how it made ME responsible for EVERYTHING by default. That it was OUR home and he needed to act like it.

Thanks. I need to remember the bolded. He might just get it if I put it that way.

 

I think it's far too easy to fall into that line of thinking, "My dh doesn't help out around here." Instead, I found it much more beneficial to look at what he DOES do. I realize there are marriages where one DOES carry the majority of the load (btdt) but as I said above, I found that a better way to look at it was to see what he does do and thank him genuinely.

It is a short list. Not to be snarky or anything. Up until I got sick his only household job was to deal with the trash. Now he has to bring the laundry upstairs and put away the dishes after I wash them (no dishwasher at the moment) along with the trash and he does keep up with feeding the pellet stove.

 

In the last argument it actually came out that he forgot I am sick. :glare:

It is their upbringing. They ignore what they don't feel is their job, which is fine as we each have our daily chores and they don't always occur at the same time.

 

If they are from the culture of the mother doing everything for them, they need to be trained in personal responsibility unless of course the marriage has the agreement that the wife will continue where the mother left off. This was culture clash for us...being an adult and from a culture where a healthy person does not make work for others, I wasn't going to pick up wet towels or dirty clothes nor was I going to clean the living room nightly while everyone else settled in to a good night's sleep after leaving their snack dishes strewn about and their outerwear on the floor. Of course, I have a BIL with a master/slave marriage so occasionally dh feels he is not being treated right...at which time I remind him that he is an adult and we did not choose the m/s marriage model. I do not plate his food and bring it to him at his family gatherings, nor do I fetch his drink. I had a period of time when I could not carry laundry..when dh objected, I reminded him of his vows and told him what his choices were. (hire housekeeper, wear his clothes without washing them, man up, or divorce). I am not going back to surgery or extend my recovery time because of laundry. I am a person, and my health is important.

He tried one of those things the day we returned from the honeymoon. :D I plated up at the stove and he came in with a "where's my tea?"

 

Yeah, I've never had to pour anything into a glass for him since.

 

Other than that though he didn't come from his parents house to our house. His mother refused to cook about the time dh was in high school. So he did do his own laundry, cleaning up, cooking (such as it was), bill paying, etc. for a number of years before we married.

 

I'm with you. I have no idea why he cannot see it. I mean, really? Sometimes I think the whole "men just don't see those things" is a cop out. HOW can he NOT see the big mound of toys that he's stepping around in order to get to the couch? He would rather step around them 500 times instead of pick them up.

 

My DH doesn't really help around the house. He says that he will if I specifically ask, but even then he does it with an "I guess." To me, "I guess" means" if I have to, but I really don't want to." Well I don't want to either LOL!

This is what I have to find a way to understand. I did a variation of his job for 12 years. I know exactly what he does at work. I don't get how if I could come home from work then take care of household stuff why he can't/won't see the same thing.

[SailorMom]

I really think my DH doesn't notice things like dust, or spills on the floor, etc...

He notices clutter, but dirt is invisible to him...

[Parrothead]

I wonder what things specifically you mean. Are you talking about maintenance issues like painting, repairing things, etc. or about housekeeping or childcare? If it's the latter, I don't think most men think of it as their job, so it's not on their radar. That's my dh. Otoh, with maintenance issues, he drives me crazy with his projects. I feel we can never relax because he's always asking me to hold a ladder or fetch him some tool. So, in my house, even though I'm grateful he takes care of things, I also wish he'd :chillpill: once in awhile. Or forget about the gutters and do a load of laundry. :001_smile:

 

ETA: I saw the other thread, and my answer would be that it depends on how sick I am. If I have a cold, no, he won't just start doing things. If I'm down for the count, like when I had Lyme disease and was sick in bed for almost a month, then, yes, he will.

Really, honestly, any of it. He will do household projects if it directly affects him. If there is no hot water he will go see if we are out of fuel and arrange for a delivery. If something needs painting, repaired or other attention it generally falls to me to take care of it. Or at least initiate the taking care of it. I don't have to see about the pellet stove in the winter and I don't generally have to see about the snowblower - fuel, maintenance or use.

 

It depends on where the focus lies also. I can walk around the yard for hours and never notice this new plant, that plant needs water or trimming, etc. but the sharp stick that ds5 will use for a sword and scratch his siblings is glaringly obvious to me. Dh walks into the yard, immediately notices the plants (fromacross the yard) and deals with them, but never notices ds5 swinging said sharp stick too close to his siblings. If he does notice ds5 and stick, he will correst his stance and swing, not have him put down the stick. In the house, it is the same. He immediately notices the mess, it bothers him, and he starts cleaning. A lot of the stuff that he points out, I literally do not see it until he points it out. Some of it I can catalog in my head as deal with later, like ds5's toys in the living room while we school. I am much better at noticing and dealing with stuff than I was when we married, so I am slowly learning.

Can you explain how this is possible? If it were some life-threatening thing can you guarantee that you would see it? Please help me understand this.

 

My husband actually helps out a ton when I'm sick but rarely without my having to tell him what needs doing...

 

This is the part that gets me more and more often. Why on earth would an adult need to be told what to do? To me it isn't "tell me what you need me to do." It is initiate what needs to be done for your household - just do it. If a person went to work every day and had to be told every single day what to do, that person would not keep that job for long. I do not get why/how it is different when the job is at home.

[Truscifi]

For us, it is a that dh doesn't care. He is fine with living in clutter and chaos. He will not clean up on his own until it is WAY past the point where I can't stand it. It is particularly obvious in his car - he cleans it when the front floor board is too full to add more cr@p. He also tends to think his job is the only 'work' he should have to do, home should be where he gets to relax. He is not a project guy. I wish he was.

 

OTOH, if I ask him to do specific chores he does, generally without complaint. Well, he sighs heavily and says 'I guess' or the equivalent, but I have learned to ignore that. :D

 

Sometimes I have to remind him that just because he thinks I should do something that doesn't mean I accept it as my responsibility. He occasionally makes noises about me unloading his pockets and unrolling his shirt sleeves and socks before washing them. I just remind him that I have agreed to wash and dry his laundry - I have not agreed to stick my hands inside nasty stinky socks or pockets where disgusting squishy things sometimes lurk, no matter how much he wants to make it my job. And I stick to it. However he puts it in the pile to get washed is how he gets it back.

[RoughCollie]

Why on earth would an adult need to be told what to do? To me it isn't "tell me what you need me to do." It is initiate what needs to be done for your household - just do it. If a person went to work every day and had to be told every single day what to do, that person would not keep that job for long. I do not get why/how it is different when the job is at home.

 

Because Mommy/Wife is at home, and Child/Husband needs direction and praise. Sadly, I think that is sometimes true. I did, however, think that husbands younger than 40 were different.

 

I think it depends a lot upon how men are raised. When my DH was single he owned a home which was a two hour drive from his parents' house. His parents came over every weekend, and arrived at his house at 8 a.m. on Saturdays. His mother cleaned the house and did laundry. His father did all the outside work, including painting the house.

 

Now he has me, and no amount of talking is going to change a thing.

Edited February 14, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Remudamom]

I don't ask my dh to do many "housewife" things because he works his butt off outside doing lots of physical stuff. When he comes in he is tired.

 

I cook, clean and do the house stuff. That does not include anything with the car, or building, or repairing house stuff. Or painting.

 

I've not worked outside the home since we've had kids, and I have no intention of getting a job when they are gone, unless it involves training horses in my own backyard.

 

That said, he'll toss his clothes in the laundry room and take his plate in the kitchen. Most of the time. When he does, great, when he doesn't I remember that I get to do whatever I want to most of the time, and he never complains about housework I do or don't do, and he also pays all the bills for my expensive hobby. Without a smidgeon of fuss either.

 

I don't have a problem with doing the housework myself. It might be because I'm older than a lot of you, and was raised that way?? Anyhow, works for us.

 

eta- I have a huge problem when the kids don't help.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Remudamom

[Parrothead]

 

A lot of it is habit and personality, I think - I'm a perfectionist and very detail-oriented, and was taught to clean by someone just like me ;). And dh *isn't* a detail person *at all* :tongue_smilie:- not at home or at work. .

I can't say not a detail person about him. He is meticulous about the job and anything related to the job. It is like when h is home he is a different person.

 

Our guys sound very much alike! What he thinks needs to get done is often very different from what I thinks needs to get done. It has taken me a long time to realize he isn't being mean, spiteful, lazy, or whatever. We just have different priorities.

I just don't see how home and family isn't a priority.

 

Maybe I'll never understand. Something is going to have to give soon though.

[rafiki]

.

[Laura Corin]

I've got one of those that can't/won't see certain things around the house that desperately need pretty immediate attention.

 

She was talking to one of my elder brothers about how they both walk around things that have been left out. They don't have an impulse to 'correct' things that are in the wrong place. By the second day, whatever place that thing is in has become its right place. They don't see the item any more. In their case it's not gender based, and my brother's wife is not very different.

 

It's taken me 47 years to realise that I prefer my life a bit tidier, and that constant cleaning/tidying is actually less stressful to me than occasional blitzes.

 

Laura

[Parrothead]

Because Mommy/Wife is at home, and Child/Husband needs direction and praise. Sadly, I think that is sometimes true. I did, however, think that husbands younger than 40 were different.

 

I think it depends a lot upon how men are raised. When my DH was single he owned a home which was a two hour drive from his parents' house. His parents came over every weekend, and arrived at his house at 8 a.m. on Saturdays. His mother cleaned the house and did laundry. His father did all the outside work, including painting the house.

 

Now he has me, and no amount of talking is going to change a thing.

I could understand it if that was how dh was raise. His mom stopped doing for him 10 years before we met.

Men see things differently, it is what it is. Also, sometimes even when men do help, their wives complain. You man need to lower your standards when he or the kids do something differently then you do. Just be thankful to have help when it happens, then it will happen more frequently. I also find that so men need praise, thank them or express in other ways your appreciation for their help. Yes, even if it's something you would normally do and no one else would seem to notice. Communication is so important. Have you let him know you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and how he could help? My dh asked me to keep a list on the fridge and said, he just doesn't see what needs done. This prevents me from feeling like his mom or like I'm nagging asking him to do x, y, z.

 

What about the kids too? Our kids are actively involved in keeping up with the house, from lawnwork, to meals, cleaning, and laundry. They help and then we have more time to play together as a family.

The list didn't work. I tried that one about a year ago. :glare:

 

Dd does help out. She has her area of responsibility - picking up behind herself, putting away her laundry, cleaning her room, helping as asked. She is still too young to run the lawnmower or the snowblower. Also too young (immature) to run anything but the toaster or microwave.

[Wheres Toto]

I had this problem with my first marriage. My ex lived with his parents until we married and after that we lived in a house of theirs rent free. In hindsight, this was just one more sign of him not wanting to ever take responsibility and act like an adult. Anyway, at 26 years old his mother still did his laundry and cleaned his room. Even though we discussed it (I had a single working mother who expected me and my brother to do our own laundry, cook, clean, etc.), he really expected his wife to do all the housework, all the childcare, all the cooking, etc. even though I also worked outside the home full time (and sometimes a second part time job and/or school). He would complain about the mess or not knowing what was for dinner but didn't ever lift a finger to do anything about it. He was complaining that a pile of laundry in the basement was my fault 3 years after we divorced. :glare:

 

DH, on the other hand, left home at 18 and never returned. He worked, went to school and took care of himself. He learned how to cook because he wanted to eat well. He knows how to clean, do laundry, etc. He doesn't do those things because our deal when I started staying home was that I would, but he understands how hard it can be to keep up with. He figures it's probably at least ten times as hard with young kids so he never gives me a hard time about messes. Although, I think to an extent we both are the personality types that really just don't notice things (unless MIL is coming to visit and even then, it's only me noticing).

[Parrothead]

She was talking to one of my elder brothers about how they both walk around things that have been left out. They don't have an impulse to 'correct' things that are in the wrong place. By the second day, whatever place that thing is in has become its right place. They don't see the item any more. In their case it's not gender based, and my brother's wife is not very different.

 

It's taken me 47 years to realise that I prefer my life a bit tidier, and that constant cleaning/tidying is actually less stressful to me than occasional blitzes.

 

Laura

I suppose I will never ever understand how one cannot see what is pretty much right in front of one's face.

 

To me is is a matter of self preservation. Watch where you walk so you don't end up with a fork or pencil stuck in your foot. Make sure nothing electric is near water. Don't leave the ball-bearings on the stairs.

 

Then a matter of courtesy. Pick up the pencil/fork so no one else gets injured.

[HRAAB]

My dh is very attentive to what falls within his realm of duties; I never need to point out to him that the oil needs changed or the fence is falling down. That type of thing. If it's inside the house, he really doesn't notice it, though. Just not on his radar. So I do point it out to him, and he always takes care of it.

 

My mil says he's just like his father. Single track mind. She blames in on his German blood. Hmmm..... My dh is only half German - the other half is from his mother. Not sure if I buy that one.

[Laura Corin]

I suppose I will never ever understand how one cannot see what is pretty much right in front of one's face.

 

... because it's no longer 'out of place'. It is in the same place it was in yesterday, and therefore that is its right place now.

 

Laura

[JoyfulMama]

It's a bit different here. I can work hard to maintain a high level of clean in the home, and spend extra time one day scrubbing the kitchen floor, and the nooks and crannies, only to have dh walk through and say something about the house being a mess, or upset that the ONE shirt he wanted to wear is not yet hanging in his closet.

Can I borrow one of your non-OCD husbands?

 

My dh would make an awesome house-husband. He's not the patient homeschool teacher, though. ;)

[GWOB]

I can't say not a detail person about him. He is meticulous about the job and anything related to the job. It is like when h is home he is a different person.

 

 

I just don't see how home and family isn't a priority.

 

Maybe I'll never understand. Something is going to have to give soon though.

 

Oh, our home and family IS a priority for my dh. A CLEAN home is not a priority. Laundry put away in its proper place is not a priority. Putting away his shoes so I won't trip over them for the 87th time is not a priority. Working hard to provide for us is a priority. Spending time with the kids and I after working 12+ hours a day is a priority. I want a clean-ish house and he wants more time with us. When the kids grow up and leave us, I hope they will remember the time Dad spent with the family rather than the fact that Dad never remember where the 2 laundry hampers were.

[Parrothead]

Oh, our home and family IS a priority for my dh. A CLEAN home is not a priority. Laundry put away in its proper place is not a priority. Putting away his shoes so I won't trip over them for the 87th time is not a priority. Working hard to provide for us is a priority. Spending time with the kids and I after working 12+ hours a day is a priority. I want a clean-ish house and he wants more time with us. When the kids grow up and leave us, I hope they will remember the time Dad spent with the family rather than the fact that Dad never remember where the 2 laundry hampers were.

Anything I could say about how things happen here would probably fall under the complaining about spouses rule.

[GWOB]

Anything I could say about how things happen here would probably fall under the complaining about spouses rule.

 

:grouphug: Understood.:grouphug:

[Cindyz]

I've got one of those that can't/won't see certain things around the house that desperately need pretty immediate attention. I don't understand it. It baffles me to no end. I wonder if it is one of those Bill Cosby things - if I ignore it or do it badly I'll never have to do it.

 

Finding the answer to the question of why may save my marriage. Right now this is a big cloud over us. It started about 5 years ago when I got sick. The dynamic changed. The last three years have been especially bad.

 

So in general why don't men see what needs doing?

 

I honestly believe their brains just work differently from ours. My husband wants to make me happy and he tries to clean and pick up, but it's never to my satisfaction and trust me...I'm not that picky! He just doesn't see things like I do.

[Truscifi]

I can't say not a detail person about him. He is meticulous about the job and anything related to the job. It is like when h is home he is a different person.

 

I just don't see how home and family isn't a priority.

 

Maybe I'll never understand. Something is going to have to give soon though.

 

Dh is a restaurant manager. I point out on occasion that he would fire employees that leave his kitchen looking the way he leaves our kitchen. He says it is different at work. :glare: He really just doesn't think he should have to do 'work' at home. It is a very unrealistic view IMO.

 

Oh, our home and family IS a priority for my dh. A CLEAN home is not a priority. Laundry put away in its proper place is not a priority. Putting away his shoes so I won't trip over them for the 87th time is not a priority. Working hard to provide for us is a priority. Spending time with the kids and I after working 12+ hours a day is a priority. I want a clean-ish house and he wants more time with us. When the kids grow up and leave us, I hope they will remember the time Dad spent with the family rather than the fact that Dad never remember where the 2 laundry hampers were.

 

Dh would argue that he works so hard at his job because family IS a priority for him. He would rather be a short order line cook - he loves that - but he "went corporate" for the higher salary and better benefits so he could take care of us. And he tries hard to spend time with us despite working crazy swing shifts all the time and mostly just wanting to go to bed. Sometimes he fails (like when I had to miss ds's belt test in karate, so dh took him and instead of watching and rooting for him on something ds had worked very hard to prepare for and still didn't quite get, dh took a nap in the car) but he tries.

[Meriwether]

I don't ask my dh to do many "housewife" things because he works his butt off outside doing lots of physical stuff. When he comes in he is tired.

 

I cook, clean and do the house stuff. That does not include anything with the car, or building, or repairing house stuff. Or painting.

 

I've not worked outside the home since we've had kids, and I have no intention of getting a job when they are gone, unless it involves training horses in my own backyard.

 

That said, he'll toss his clothes in the laundry room and take his plate in the kitchen. Most of the time. When he does, great, when he doesn't I remember that I get to do whatever I want to most of the time, and he never complains about housework I do or don't do, and he also pays all the bills for my expensive hobby. Without a smidgeon of fuss either.

 

I don't have a problem with doing the housework myself. It might be because I'm older than a lot of you, and was raised that way?? Anyhow, works for us.

 

eta- I have a huge problem when the kids don't help.

 

I was raised with very traditional values, and I value the salary my Dh earns. My issue is this: My Dh gets home from work at 5:30 and sits on his behind (most of the time). I never mow the yard. I don't pay bills. But when we moved when I was 5 months pregnant, he hung a few pictures after I'd nagged him for months. "I" moved and organized almost 20 thousand pounds of household goods. I stripped wallpaper off the walls and painted. We've been here for 18 months and he still hasn't fixed the shower in the downstairs bathroom. If he doesn't do more with the next move (which is related to HIS job), I won't do another one. I will take the kids and go to my parents until he sets up house. I just. can't. take. it. And if he can kick a toy out of his way, he can pick it up.

 

Dh is a great guy in most ways, but he is truly selfish. Truly meaning that he honestly thinks other people should be happy to do for him, but it doesn't occur to him to help others.

[Virg]

If I am sick or complain then my husband will step in. His version though is sitting on the couch and directing children to do what I asked him to do! *sigh* I was a single parent before though and am just thankful he pays the bills and has no problem with me staying at home and homeschooling.

[Rosie_0801]

I think the problem around here is that dh was trained to be obedient, not to take responsibility. He was to mow the yard when told to mow the yard, he wasn't actually made responsible for mowing every weekend/when it needed doing or whatever.

 

So, we have a man who pretty much needs me to tell him what to do, except I'm his missus not his mum so he doesn't want me to tell him what to do and rebels against it. And, being that I'm his missus not his mum, I don't really want the responsibility for training a character that is older than me. Anyhoo, another round of counselling might help... Hopefully... Maybe there is some third option for me to take other than nag or not care at all. The latter is more dangerous for a relationship so I've been nagging. Don't even suggest politely requesting. Apparently I don't mean anything I say until I've politely requested for three months then thrown a tantrum.

 

Rosie

Edited February 14, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Remudamom]

I was raised with very traditional values, and I value the salary my Dh earns. My issue is this: My Dh gets home from work at 5:30 and sits on his behind (most of the time). I never mow the yard. I don't pay bills. But when we moved when I was 5 months pregnant, he hung a few pictures after I'd nagged him for months. "I" moved and organized almost 20 thousand pounds of household goods. I stripped wallpaper off the walls and painted. We've been here for 18 months and he still hasn't fixed the shower in the downstairs bathroom. If he doesn't do more with the next move (which is related to HIS job), I won't do another one. I will take the kids and go to my parents until he sets up house. I just. can't. take. it. And if he can kick a toy out of his way, he can pick it up.

 

Dh is a great guy in most ways, but he is truly selfish. Truly meaning that he honestly thinks other people should be happy to do for him, but it doesn't occur to him to help others.

 

Hire someone to do it. Or yeah, I'd stay at mom's. I don't repair stuff. I don't paint. I do not move heavy stuff.

[EmmaNZ]

We're in a similar boat. Funny - I didn't realise this issue was so common between spouses. Just knowing that I'm not alone in dealing with this helps actually. I hope you get to the bottom of it Parrothead.

 

I think Rosie is spot on (as usual!)

[Mejane]

I think the problem around here is that dh was trained to be obedient, not to take responsibility.

 

Yes. Many men had mothers who did everything for them. Dh never did laundry because his mother had his clothes in the washer before they ever touched the floor... er, hamper. ;) He never cooked or did household cleaning, so how could he be expected to see or know how to do those things? He moved directly from his parents' home into ours. I just took over for his mom. :tongue_smilie: