Caught off Guard by a Comment

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

I was at a youth group last week when a teacher of my 16 year old daughter came up and said - "Wow, she is just so sharp. I just love having her in my class." I said "Thanks" and smiled.

 

(Background-My daughter says that most of the kids sit in class, lean back in their chairs, don't listen and don't care to answer any questions-so it is not hard to look good in there.)

 

Shortly after, he said..."My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens."

 

I was tounge tied..and responded by saying "I guess that is better than the alternative." I didn't even make sense, because I was so flabbergasted.

 

I wanted to say- "Wow" ....She plays the harp, has won several national awards for community service and several scholarships, dual enrolled in CC. What more could people want in a teen these days?

 

Would you rather have her dysfunctional on drugs and alcohol, hanging with the goths all tattooed? (No offense please!)

 

I admit that she hasn't fit in well with two or three girls who don't have similar interest as her.

 

Infact, one of the "more popular high school" girls last year found out she was spending a month in Sweden on an exchange with a family we knew in Europe, responded by saying "That sucks..why would you want to spend your whole summer doing that and post-pone getting your drivers license?" (She received her DL 3 months later when the next class was available.)

 

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

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Blogging today on "A discussion on The Art of Homemaking and Motherhood"

Edited February 8, 2011 by Lux Et Veritas Academy

[FaithManor]

Well, dysfunctional, immature, and apathetic is the new "normal" for teens these days and when we attended a rather large, mega type church we encountered these kinds of comment a lot. Yet, it was always prefaced by " your dd is a light", "your dd is so mature", "your dd is so smart", "your dd is so sweet", etc. and whenever they needed a teen to do any kind of volunteer work in that church, we were the first to be called. I put it to the youth pastor, point blank one day, "Why is it that if you have so many worries about my dd's socialization, that whenever you need anything done around and especially when that involves a teen interracting with younger children or adults, you call my teen? If she's socially backward, why do you give her so much responsibility?" His response: "She's the only one in the bunch that's mature enough to do the work and willing." I didn't say anything because there wasn't any point in getting into an argument but I wanted to say this: "IF you have a youth group comprised of 85 teenagers, many of whom are high school juniors and seniors and my 13 year old is the ONLY one you can consistently count on, have you considered the possibility that there is something wrong with the rest of the pack and not my kid? How about we let the 'pack' teach her how to be a real teenager and then you'll have no one willing to help!"

 

I held my tongue. We now attend a church in which the pastoral staff actually believes there's something wrong with the way kids socialize today and that this has resulted in a lot of immature behavior. They actually think that our kid should be the norm not the exception to the rule. Of course, dd is nearly 20 now and doesn't attend any youth functions.

 

Faith

[Renee in NC]

"I hope she never learns to relate with some teens."

 

Contrary to our society's popular belief, the teen years (as defined in current society) is not based in anyone's reality. I am happy as long as a teen can relate to *adults* (because isn't that what we are rearing them to be?)

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I've got to thank both of you. These days I'm all worried that my 10yo is not fitting in with any of the schooled kids she encounters, except one or two. She trains 20 hours a week at the gym, and hasn't made a single friendship there. The other girls are all talking make-up, clothes and boyfriends. Yup, at 10yo.. My daughter is just not interested. The girl she clicks the most with is a 12yo, very nice girl too, but you know how things are. How could a 12yo, in high school (which starts in grade 7 over here) can ever be friend with a 10yo in grade 5? So while they get along at the gym, the 12yo does keep her distance.

 

My heart is breaking for my girl to the point that I was considering sending her to high school (starting in grade 7, as mentionned above). Even though most parents tell me how mature she is. Your posts are making me consider the other angle now..

 

thank you

[TKDmom]

I would have stood there totally tongue-tied. And then thought up all sorts of comments that I should have said.

 

 

:grouphug:

[abbeyej]

Honestly? Hm... My perspective is a little different. I was home schooled 'til I started high school at 14. On paper I was an excellent student and very "accomplished" for my age, as you say your daughter is. I was able to handle myself well with adults, was thoughtful, didn't always follow the crowd, etc, etc. And absolutely all of those things are positive!

 

But what the teacher said was also true for me. *Generally* speaking, I had difficulty relating to other teens my age. And, lol, even the ones who weren't out getting drunk or behaving in truly dangerous, foolish, or immoral ways.

 

I just didn't quite fit in. I didn't have a lot of the cultural context they had, and I didn't *care* about a lot of the same things that they (as a group) cared about.

 

It was tough.

 

Eventually I *did* find individuals and small groups where I fit in, more or less.

 

I found my place much more in college.

 

I don't regret the "not fitting in", though there are perhaps individual memories that were painful for a while.

 

... I also think it's worth pointing out that if you get any group of adults together and ask them about their teen years, the vast majority will admit to feeling "different" or "outside" through much of that time. The experience is hardly unique to home schoolers.

 

...

 

I think your response was fine. I think your daughter is probably fine. I think it's okay to admit, "Yes, well, maybe she won't fit in perfectly with her peers right now. Long-term I think she'll find her place."

 

On the other hand, there may be (innocuous) cultural experiences that your daughter could have that would help her feel less disconnected from her age-mates. There may be ways to help her find 2-3 close friends rather than worrying about fitting in with a larger groups. ... For myself, I did eventually find a handful of good friends in my high school years and that helped a lot. ... Going to college at 17 helped more. ;)

 

I'm just saying... The teacher is probably right. You're right. It's okay to be different. It's okay to find (positive) ways to connect with age-mates. It's good to reassure your daughter that finding her niche will get easier as she grows older...

[Sophia]

She's been a teen for three years, doesn't he think you would know if she had problems relating to others?

If I liked the teacher, I'd ask questions until he realized he didn't make any sense.

If I didn't care for him, I'd probably give a light answer "She's fine, thanks" and ask dd if she wanted to start attending an adult Sunday school class.

[CalicoKat]

"Well then this might not be the group for her. I guess we'll have to keep looking."

[fairfarmhand]

I've never had this experience. Most of the time, the comments are "I wish we had more like yours." or "Maybe she'll show those other girls how to act."

 

Thankfully we are in a VERY supportive church :)

[Sasharowan]

I went to public school and never fit in well with teens. I was more mature and responsible then most of my age-mates and got on better with adults. I found a better fit at the Community College where there was a larger range in age. My kids are heading in the same direction.

[Barry Goldwater]

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

 

First of all, you don't need to defend yourself...you don't owe the 'teacher' any explanation for how you are rearing your dear child.

 

But...I know it begs a response when someone does this...

 

I used to be you...trying to go-along to get-along, let people say stupid stuff and just nod and smile, while my brain scrambled and tried to figure out whether I'd just been insulted, had my boundaries violated, or was just the victim of a simple misunderstanding...

 

Now...I simply respond, "What do you mean by that, exactly?" and just stare and wait for an answer.

 

I am sooooooo way past worrying about what other people think anymore...God's calling to us to homeschool trumps anything else, and our success speaks for itself. So, at this point, exchanges like that serve only one purpose...to entertain me. I enjoy seeing just how stupid and obnoxious some people can be. So I like to just give them enough space to be absurd, and then say something akin to, "Well, bless your heart!" I listen precisely so that I can relate the interchange word for word to my DW, again, purely to entertain us.:lol:

 

And, BTW, my teenage girls sit with us in Adult Sunday School, and do not participate in teen club or youth group.

[creekland]

I went to ps my whole life and didn't fit in with the vast majority of the other girls in hs. They simply cared about things I didn't care in the least about (TV, Hollywood, clothing, dating, etc). I cared about getting an education and doing something with my life - and horses. I spent the majority of my time at a riding stable riding, training, and showing while also graduating 2nd in my class. I don't regret it.

 

I don't think homeschooling has a thing to do with it. I believe it's maturity or just plain other interests.

 

Even as an adult I find myself caring about different things than most adults.

 

I've always been ok with it. Hubby and I have raised our boys with our values. As adults, they will choose their own paths, but right now, only my youngest wants to be "in the herd." The rest of us have no desire. I'm GLAD they don't care to join stereotypical teen boy culture and wish youngest didn't feel the need either. We have friends (several), but we're still "different" from most of them. I prefer being "me" to trying to imitate them. We all get along just fine (that whole tolerance thingy).

[sibbis]

My goal is for my kids NOT to fit in with the majority of the kids they encounter. I celebrate it. "Someone thinks we are weird? Awesome! Mission accomplished!" I did fit in with the other kids and it was a complete waste of my time. I think of all I could've accomplished had I been focused on what I liked instead of what my peers were dictating to me. I am taking a different path with my kids and it might be rough when we hit the teen years but I'm hoping they are so *solid* with who they are by that point that they will see through the nonsense.

[texasmama]

My oldest child has always attended private school, never homeschooled (from my first marraige). Once, she pretty innocently asked me if I thought her homeschooled siblings would have trouble relating to other kids because they weren't in "school". I asked her if they seemed to be having trouble now, and she said "no". I replied, "Well, there ya go." :001_smile: I think my answer would be similar to anyone in the community who asks (anyone who knows them, obviously).

 

I don't feel the need any longer to defend my choice or my kids. Too old, too tired, too much just needs to speak for itself, including my kids.:D

[kwickimom]

This drives me batty. I never fit in with teens at my junior high or high school because I was more mature than they were and I didnt give a rip about football or cheerleading. This in no way harmed me at all. I am a "normal" person.

 

Who is to say who people need to fit in with. I have met so many wonderful people in my life that werent dull drones and who did not "fit in" with the norm.

 

Its just so ridiculous.

[Melinda in VT]

I agree with abbeyej.

 

I was a public-schooled kid who often didn't fit in with other kids at school or church. High school was better and college was even better than high school.

 

However, if it were my daughter, I would ask what prompted the comment.

 

Being true to yourself and not following the crowd are important life skills, but so is being able to interact comfortably with the heterogeneous mix of people around you.

[In the Rain]

If the comment was bugging me, I would contact the teacher and ask him to explain the problem he is seeing. Knowing specifically what the issue is, I could decide if it is a valid concern or not.

 

There are so many types of people (and teens), how can anyone generalize about "fitting in". It sounds like your dd has found her niche somewhere other than church youth group.

 

Sometimes people speak without thinking. :glare:

[katemary63]

People are idiots and often don't grasp the big picture. What he said was dumb. Don't worry about it.

 

I'm very glad my daughter didn't "fit in" with the other girls at youth group in our church. They were totally focused on thier nails, hair, clothes, and boys. My daughter was like an adult who cared about issues. She also didn't happen to give two hoots about her nails or putting her hair up in a poof so big she would look like an alien. There was NOTHING in common and I was glad. It had nothing to do with being homeschooled other then maybe it's true that homeschooling had something to do with the fact that she developed maturity and character at a younger age. She did wish she had more friends her own age, but she did NOT wish she was more like people her own age. See the difference. No, it's not easy being mature when most people your age aren't. But it's not a bad thing either.

 

She is 19 and in college now. She's found some friends she has fun with, but she still thinks they are immature. She has the most in common with other adults at church and that's just fine with me and her. Why is it important to "fit in" with certain groups of people just because of your age?

[laughing lioness]

Our kids don't fit in with a culture that is narcissistic, death obsessed and post modern. O.k. I don't feel a need to defend that.

 

I like Barry's response. Question. Ask for a definiton. Watch while their defenses unravel. Seriously. Make their comment their responsibility. It might actually help them understand what it is they are trying to get at and cause them to think more deeply about what they are observing.

[KrissiK]

You know, sometimes I think those comments are just veiled (or not so veiled) barbs against homeschooling in general. People don't like homeschoolers, they feel threatened by them, or guilty that they didn't homeschool their own kids or whatever, so they throw at you whatever they got that they think is going to hurt you. I can't figure out why on earth I should care that my kids don't fit in or relate to the lowest common denominator.

[Parrothead]

"Good thing the teen years are short. She will be able to relate to adults very well in just a few short years." Mumbling under my breath, "Idiot."

[Rivka]

If you decide that you want to engage with his comment, it would probably be best to try to find a way to do so that doesn't carry the assumption that most other kids are no good, or that it is somehow a badge of honor to not relate well to one's peers.

 

I'm a ltitle shocked by the negativity towards teens in this thread. The teenagers I know have their flaws, of course, but for the most part they're good kids.

[Stacy in NJ]

between your dd and the "others". Don't you think perhaps there's some area between the ideal (your dd- in your opinion) and the dysfunctional drug addict? Maybe, just maybe, there are other teens who are capable, responsible, and mature but don't share the same interests or goals as your dd? And, maybe the leader was suggesting that learning to appreciate and connect with others as they are rather than how we would like them to be is a worthwhile goal?

 

I wanted to say- "Wow" ....She plays the harp, has won several national awards for community service and several scholarships, dual enrolled in CC. What more could people want in a teen these days?

 

Would you rather have her dysfunctional on drugs and alcohol, hanging with the goths all tattooed? (No offense please!)I admit that she hasn't fit in well with two or three girls who don't have similar interest as her.

 

Infact, one of the "more popular high school" girls last year found out she was spending a month in Sweden on an exchange with a family we knew in Europe, responded by saying "That sucks..why would you want to spend your whole summer doing that and post-pone getting your drivers license?" (She received her DL 3 months later when the next class was available.)

 

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

-------------------------------------------

Blogging today on "A discussion on The Art of Homemaking and Motherhood"

[May]

When I was homeschooling dd, some people did make similiar comments to me. I never felt the need to defend my choice of homeschooling. My comment back was something like "thank-you for your concern, she's doing well." I would then change the subject. I assume most people are well meaning until I know otherwise.

[Mejane]

How about, "Thanks! I consider that quite a compliment."

[Starr]

It's true that the ps is filled with nice kids but we seem to find the ones that are judgmental about our family choice to home school. Some young lady is always saying some unkind thing to dd. I keep telling her that it will all work out in college but for now it's quite difficult.

[Garga]

I'd ask him what he meant. Then, I'd consider if what he said was valuable or not.

 

I know a little girl who is homeschooled and who is so awkward around the other kids that it's just painful to watch. She needs to learn some skills in how to deal with other kids. I've considered telling her mom about it, but I'm just not sure what to suggest be done, so I haven't bothered. She'd probably be awkward whether she was homeschooled or not, but it really IS painful to watch. If she's just loosen up a little bit and talk to the other kids or answer the questions that the teacher asks (in church), then she wouldn't make herself so unapproachable. (She just sits there and shakes her head and won't answer when anyone talks to her.)

 

Not that your daughter is like this one. Maybe the teacher was being stupid, or maybe he saw your daughter floundering and wanted to try to help.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Garga

[4kids4me]

I was at a youth group last week when a teacher of my 16 year old daughter came up and said - "Wow, she is just so sharp. I just love having her in my class." I said "Thanks" and smiled.

 

(Background-My daughter says that most of the kids sit in class, lean back in their chairs, don't listen and don't care to answer any questions-so it is not hard to look good in there.)

 

Shortly after, he said..."My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens."

 

I was tounge tied..and responded by saying "I guess that is better than the alternative." I didn't even make sense, because I was so flabbergasted.

 

I wanted to say- "Wow" ....She plays the harp, has won several national awards for community service and several scholarships, dual enrolled in CC. What more could people want in a teen these days?

 

Would you rather have her dysfunctional on drugs and alcohol, hanging with the goths all tattooed? (No offense please!)

 

I admit that she hasn't fit in well with two or three girls who don't have similar interest as her.

 

Infact, one of the "more popular high school" girls last year found out she was spending a month in Sweden on an exchange with a family we knew in Europe, responded by saying "That sucks..why would you want to spend your whole summer doing that and post-pone getting your drivers license?" (She received her DL 3 months later when the next class was available.)

 

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

-------------------------------------------

Blogging today on "A discussion on The Art of Homemaking and Motherhood"

 

Well, if I had my wits about me I would have been completely sarcastic. But thankfully God gives us a few seconds more than that to answer gracefully.

 

Just let it be...what would the alternative be? That your dd is just like other teens...uninterested, unresponsive, has an attitude? Who CARES if she can't relate to them (and who says she can't?)? On the other hand, maybe the REAL concern is that the other teens can't relate to your DD!!! What does that say about them?????????????? (lots of ??? for emphasis) :D On top of that, how about the teacher's inappropriate comment? He, too, is obviously a little "at odds" with society as we all know that comments like that are rude, rude, rude!!!!

[narrow4life]

""My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens.""

 

I sure would love to know the reason for that thought and then start considering and replying to that, instead of just replying to that alone. Otherwise, seems like a lot of assumptions get made.

 

On the other hand, assumptions to a comment like that, especially following the compliment made, are most likely very accurate. So, I would love to be able to get faster at responses and not think of all the good ones later, but perhaps I could get lucky enough to at least come up with "no worries there, she can relate well with them. They may have a very difficult time relating to her. You know, like Christ could relate very well with the masses, but the masses could not relate to Him at all."

[ChemMommy]

Our kids don't fit in with a culture that is narcissistic, death obsessed and post modern. O.k. I don't feel a need to defend that.

.

 

 

:iagree:

[Melinda in VT]

On the other hand, assumptions to a comment like that, especially following the compliment made, are most likely very accurate. So, I would love to be able to get faster at responses and not think of all the good ones later, but perhaps I could get lucky enough to at least come up with "no worries there, she can relate well with them. They may have a very difficult time relating to her. You know, like Christ could relate very well with the masses, but the masses could not relate to Him at all."

 

:svengo:

 

Seriously?? I can't think of a better way to ensure that your kids have trouble relating to others than by promoting the idea that THEY are like CHRIST and everyone else is the unwashed masses.

[Little Nyssa]

As a Sunday School teacher myself, I know that stating concerns like that to a parent is totally out of line. It's good to praise kids to their parents, or to address a SPECIFIC concern about how the child behaves in class, but there is no use bringing up a global concern like that. When you are the teacher, you have no way of knowing what the child is like outside your class. I have found that the very child I praised for being so engaged, vocal, and interested during my class-- is shy and won't talk in regular school. Go figure.

He should have just kept his concerns to himself or told his wife later at home.

I don't know what YOU should have done though.

[Guest momk2000]

I went to public school and never fit in well with teens. I was more mature and responsible then most of my age-mates and got on better with adults. I found a better fit at the Community College where there was a larger range in age. My kids are heading in the same direction.

 

:iagree: Me too! When I went to CC, I had a much better experience and fit in so much better than with my same age peers in HS.

[Princess Peach]

 

Now...I simply respond, "What do you mean by that, exactly?" and just stare and wait for an answer.

 

 

 

This is exactly what I would have done.

[DarlaS]

I was at a youth group last week when a teacher of my 16 year old daughter came up and said - "Wow, she is just so sharp. I just love having her in my class." I said "Thanks" and smiled.

 

(Background-My daughter says that most of the kids sit in class, lean back in their chairs, don't listen and don't care to answer any questions-so it is not hard to look good in there.)

 

Shortly after, he said..."My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens."

 

I was tounge tied..and responded by saying "I guess that is better than the alternative." I didn't even make sense, because I was so flabbergasted.

 

I wanted to say- "Wow" ....She plays the harp, has won several national awards for community service and several scholarships, dual enrolled in CC. What more could people want in a teen these days?

 

Would you rather have her dysfunctional on drugs and alcohol, hanging with the goths all tattooed? (No offense please!)

 

I admit that she hasn't fit in well with two or three girls who don't have similar interest as her.

 

Infact, one of the "more popular high school" girls last year found out she was spending a month in Sweden on an exchange with a family we knew in Europe, responded by saying "That sucks..why would you want to spend your whole summer doing that and post-pone getting your drivers license?" (She received her DL 3 months later when the next class was available.)

 

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

-------------------------------------------

Blogging today on "A discussion on The Art of Homemaking and Motherhood"

 

Which "other teens"? These disinterested-in-everything kids we see all over texting and gaming all their spare time (not to mention class time) away?

 

I would have said "Yeah, it can be pretty hard for an intelligent thoughtful young lady to relate to the mindless twits that some teenage girls are these days."

 

That would probably do it. :D

[myfunnybunch]

"Isn't it wonderful that she isn't limited to socializing with only one age group? Her maturity will continue to serve her well when she moves out into the adult world."

 

Then I'd roll my eyes. Not really, but sheesh.

 

Cat

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Don't you all want your kids to have some friends?

 

Suggesting that the OP should retort with comments about other girls being mindless twits or comparing home-schooled children to a lonely Christ in the midst of the rabble. Come on.

 

If we can't rise above without stepping on others then it is all sham, anyway.

 

Real superiority of intellect or maturity will be self-evident to the wise. The foolish will misinterpret. Let them misinterpret. Who cares? Be the bigger person.

 

Which scenario will be more damaging to the young person?

 

#1. A Sunday school teacher who likes her very much but thinks she's slightly weird or different, or

 

#2. A mother who goes around telling adults that her child is like the Christ and the other girls are comparatively mindless twits.

 

I say #2. Hands down.

[Parrothead]

""My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens.""

 

I sure would love to know the reason for that thought and then start considering and replying to that, instead of just replying to that alone. Otherwise, seems like a lot of assumptions get made.

 

On the other hand, assumptions to a comment like that, especially following the compliment made, are most likely very accurate. So, I would love to be able to get faster at responses and not think of all the good ones later, but perhaps I could get lucky enough to at least come up with "no worries there, she can relate well with them. They may have a very difficult time relating to her. You know, like Christ could relate very well with the masses, but the masses could not relate to Him at all."

:confused: What?

[Princess Peach]

Well, we didn't all do what you're saying. Some of us would simply ask for clarification of what the teacher meant.

[narrow4life]

:svengo:

 

Seriously?? I can't think of a better way to ensure that your kids have trouble relating to others than by promoting the idea that THEY are like CHRIST and everyone else is the unwashed masses.

 

I think I get what you are saying and can see the problem with the post then. My attempt was to relate the statement (with the idea that not fitting in or relating is a bad thing) to Christ.

 

So, maybe instead: "Did Christ relate to the masses?"

 

That can still imply that my kid is like Christ and the other kids are the unwashed masses but the intent is to challenge the thought of this teacher expressed in the statement. However, if there is a situation where my kid is acting in a way that is like Christ, I would promote it (though careful as to what promote actually would play out as).

[Melinda in VT]

I think I get what you are saying and can see the problem with the post then. My attempt was to relate the statement (with the idea that not fitting in or relating is a bad thing) to Christ.

 

So, maybe instead: "Did Christ relate to the masses?"

 

That can still imply that my kid is like Christ and the other kids are the unwashed masses but the intent is to challenge the thought of this teacher expressed in the statement. However, if there is a situation where my kid is acting in a way that is like Christ, I would promote it (though careful as to what promote actually would play out as).

 

You know, I've been thinking about this some more, and yes, I think Christ DID relate well to the masses. And they were clearly drawn to them.

[KrissiK]

You know, I've been thinking about this some more, and yes, I think Christ DID relate well to the masses. And they were clearly drawn to them.

 

Christ related well to the masses, but not because He was like them in any way. He related to them because He engaged them and talked to them, unlike the Pharisees who condemned them and exploited them. So, then maybe the question would be, "Does your well-brought up child sit in Sunday School with her nose in the air and ignore the other kids, even at free time, or, does she set a good example in class and then outside of class befriend the other kids, talk to them and engage them in conversation." If it's the first, then I'd be worried, but that doesn't mean it's a result of being homeschooled.

[Laurie4b]

Honestly? Hm... My perspective is a little different. I was home schooled 'til I started high school at 14. On paper I was an excellent student and very "accomplished" for my age, as you say your daughter is. I was able to handle myself well with adults, was thoughtful, didn't always follow the crowd, etc, etc. And absolutely all of those things are positive!

 

But what the teacher said was also true for me. *Generally* speaking, I had difficulty relating to other teens my age. And, lol, even the ones who weren't out getting drunk or behaving in truly dangerous, foolish, or immoral ways.

 

I just didn't quite fit in. I didn't have a lot of the cultural context they had, and I didn't *care* about a lot of the same things that they (as a group) cared about.

 

It was tough.

 

Eventually I *did* find individuals and small groups where I fit in, more or less.

 

I found my place much more in college.

 

I don't regret the "not fitting in", though there are perhaps individual memories that were painful for a while.

 

... I also think it's worth pointing out that if you get any group of adults together and ask them about their teen years, the vast majority will admit to feeling "different" or "outside" through much of that time. The experience is hardly unique to home schoolers.

 

...

 

I think your response was fine. I think your daughter is probably fine. I think it's okay to admit, "Yes, well, maybe she won't fit in perfectly with her peers right now. Long-term I think she'll find her place."

 

On the other hand, there may be (innocuous) cultural experiences that your daughter could have that would help her feel less disconnected from her age-mates. There may be ways to help her find 2-3 close friends rather than worrying about fitting in with a larger groups. ... For myself, I did eventually find a handful of good friends in my high school years and that helped a lot. ... Going to college at 17 helped more. ;)

 

I'm just saying... The teacher is probably right. You're right. It's okay to be different. It's okay to find (positive) ways to connect with age-mates. It's good to reassure your daughter that finding her niche will get easier as she grows older...

 

Good post.

[Barry Goldwater]

Don't you all want your kids to have some friends?

 

 

What do you mean by that, exactly?

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

What do you mean by that, exactly?

 

I mean that humans are alienated by insults and snobbery. If her mother takes some of this advice, the child will have no friends.

[musicianmom]

I agree that you should have asked the teacher what he meant.

 

His two comments were not necessarily related. He didn't say "She's so sharp! I'm afraid she's too smart to relate to other teens." He didn't say "She's homeschooled, so I'm afraid she can't relate to other teens."

 

He may see something in your dd that causes that concern, and I wouldn't immediately dismiss that.

 

I was one who got along great in adult environments, but not so much with other teens. And no, it wasn't because I was such a perfect kid. In retrospect, it was because I had annoying traits. Adults were more likely to overlook them in a young person, but peers were not so forgiving. Make sense?

 

My other question, though, is this -- does your daughter fit in with other teens? I mean, does she have friends, does she get invited to things? Is she happy? Does she feel like an outsider? As your mom, I would assume you know these answers. Goodness knows I poured every detail of my pathetic social life in my mom's ever-patient ears. :tongue_smilie: If you know she's happy, then you can dismiss the teacher's concerns easily.

[Barry Goldwater]

I mean that humans are alienated by insults and snobbery.

 

Great point...I hope that the sunday school teacher learns this so he can make some friends...

 

I'm amused that someone feeling defensive by having her child criticized for an inanity like "not fitting in," as if fitting in should be the number one priority for all young people, is characterized as being a snob, or insulting.

 

I don't dispute that some of the suggested responses are 'over the top.' But I think many were offered with the tongue in the cheek, and I think the OP is sensible enough to use the advice constructively, and to bolster her confidence for the next moronic comment from a virtual stranger, which is sure to come.

[katemary63]

"Yeah, it can be pretty hard for an intelligent thoughtful young lady to relate to the mindless twits that some teenage girls are these days."

 

:iagree::D I'm sorry, but this is just plain true. MANY young teenage girls fit this category to some degree. Not something I aspire for my daughter's to relate to.

 

Edited to add: My DD (the one in my earlier post who simply did not "fit in" with other girls in her youth group due to her maturity level - or theirs, which ever way you want to see it) was not the one with her nose in the air. She made every attempt to talk with the others, smile, start conversations etc. They simply ignored her. THEY (the mindless twits) were the ones snubbing my DD, not the other way around. They didn't like that she actually listed to the group leader and gave thoughtful answers. They made fun of her for knowing how to make a cheesecake for goodness sakes. "Did you make this yourself? Gosh, you're like a mom or something. I don't want to know how to cook right now. I just want to be a teenager." Sheesh.

Edited February 8, 2011 by katemary63

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Great point...I hope that the sunday school teacher learns this so he can make some friends...

 

I'm amused that someone feeling defensive by having her child criticized for an inanity like "not fitting in," as if fitting in should be the number one priority for all young people, is characterized as being a snob, or insulting.

 

I don't dispute that some of the suggested responses are 'over the top.' But I think many were offered with the tongue in the cheek, and I think the OP is sensible enough to use the advice constructively, and to bolster her confidence for the next moronic comment from a virtual stranger, which is sure to come.

 

1. The OP did not say she felt insulted by the ss teacher. She was just considering other ways to answer concerns.

 

2. I never, ever, ever, ever characterized the OP as a snob in any way. I'm a homeschooling parent of teens and I have been in her shoes about uninformed 'concerns' from people who otherwise like my kids. I did not comment on her feelings or behavior at all.

 

3. If those comments about mindless twits and christ-likeness were tongue-in-cheek I apologize for missing the subtlety. But I don't think they were.

 

That's all I have to say. I stand by my opinion that those comments are disgusting and unhelpful and will do nothing toward improving the reputation of homeschoolers.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Dulcimeramy

[katemary63]

If you decide that you want to engage with his comment, it would probably be best to try to find a way to do so that doesn't carry the assumption that most other kids are no good, or that it is somehow a badge of honor to not relate well to one's peers.

 

:iagree: I agree with this.

 

I'm a ltitle shocked by the negativity towards teens in this thread. The teenagers I know have their flaws, of course, but for the most part they're good kids.

 

But I think the "negativity" you are refering to is more of a reaction to the common attitude that it's actually a bad thing that the "homeschooled" kid can't relate to her peers when in many cases, it is simpy a sign of a child with high levels of maturity and character development. We have to make sure those things are not looked down upon just because one of the consequences is difficulty "relating to peers." It may not be a badge of honor, but it's not a scarlet letter either.