Caught off Guard by a Comment

[Barry Goldwater]

2. I never, ever, ever, ever characterized the OP as a snob in any way. I'm a homeschooling parent of teens and I have been in her shoes about uninformed 'concerns' from people who otherwise like my kids. I did not comment on her feelings or behavior at all.

 

That's all I have to say. I stand by my opinion that those comments are disgusting and unhelpful and will do nothing toward improving the reputation of homeschoolers.

 

You're right. I apologize. My post was poorly worded to give that impression, and you never did say that.

 

It is my opinion that the reputations that many homeschoolers have, is that they are fair game for any stranger, friend or family member to openly criticize. One can say ANYTHING to their face about their most personal life choices, their most deeply held conviction, no matter how subtly judgemental, insulting, or overtly outrageous their word are, and the homeschooler should just take it with grace and a smile. I for one have grown weary of it and am sad for the others that continue to have to confront it.

[Reesegirl]

I received these kind of comments about our oldest dd from people in my church. My dd was very smart, incredibly well read, and would have rather been reading a book than interacting with kids her own age at youth group and also like yours involved in many community services, recieved incredible scholarships and was selected as future first citizen of our city...and you know, what I think the people were right. She didn't didn't relate well to teens her own age. But she knew how to talk with adults and had some special mentoring adult friends through out high school. And what many people don't realize is that those teen years do not last forever. Fortunately she found 2 or 3 other girls like her for friends when she went to high school. My dd is now 26 has her masters in chemistry and is a delightful person to know. I kind of feel that the playing field eventually levels out when they finally leave those turbulent teen years.

 

I think it is important to keep talking to your daughter and make sure that she doesn't feel isolated in her surroundings. There were times when I had to remind my dd that high school wouldn't last forever and that soon she would be in a university envioronment where there would be other people like her to be friend.

[TravelingChris]

Youth groups aren't usually really big. I think it all depends on the group. In my church, my oldest felt so out of place she finally stopped going. Her younger sister goes occasionally because there are a few girls more her age that she does like. But for my older, almost all the older girls have completely different interests. This includes music (and my d's do listen to some modern music but not rap and not hard metal either), movies (where their favorite movies run to things like Twilight and my d would rather watch an action movie) and different expectations for careers. Since we move frequently, I have watched my kids in lots of different situations. Even my older d, who is more shy, has made friendly acquaintances in every situation she has been in except for this particular youth group. She had friends at her last youth group (in FL), friends at speech and debate, friends at co-op, friends when she was on soccer, acquaintances in the neighborhood, etc, etc. IF something similar is true for your daughter, don't worry.

[Karenciavo]

Thank you for posting this Abbey.

 

Honestly? Hm... My perspective is a little different. I was home schooled 'til I started high school at 14. On paper I was an excellent student and very "accomplished" for my age, as you say your daughter is. I was able to handle myself well with adults, was thoughtful, didn't always follow the crowd, etc, etc. And absolutely all of those things are positive!

 

But what the teacher said was also true for me. *Generally* speaking, I had difficulty relating to other teens my age. And, lol, even the ones who weren't out getting drunk or behaving in truly dangerous, foolish, or immoral ways.

 

I just didn't quite fit in. I didn't have a lot of the cultural context they had, and I didn't *care* about a lot of the same things that they (as a group) cared about.

 

It was tough.

 

Eventually I *did* find individuals and small groups where I fit in, more or less.

 

I found my place much more in college.

 

I don't regret the "not fitting in", though there are perhaps individual memories that were painful for a while.

 

... I also think it's worth pointing out that if you get any group of adults together and ask them about their teen years, the vast majority will admit to feeling "different" or "outside" through much of that time. The experience is hardly unique to home schoolers.

 

...

 

I think your response was fine. I think your daughter is probably fine. I think it's okay to admit, "Yes, well, maybe she won't fit in perfectly with her peers right now. Long-term I think she'll find her place."

 

On the other hand, there may be (innocuous) cultural experiences that your daughter could have that would help her feel less disconnected from her age-mates. There may be ways to help her find 2-3 close friends rather than worrying about fitting in with a larger groups. ... For myself, I did eventually find a handful of good friends in my high school years and that helped a lot. ... Going to college at 17 helped more. ;)

 

I'm just saying... The teacher is probably right. You're right. It's okay to be different. It's okay to find (positive) ways to connect with age-mates. It's good to reassure your daughter that finding her niche will get easier as she grows older...

[Karenciavo]

My thoughts exactly.

 

between your dd and the "others". Don't you think perhaps there's some area between the ideal (your dd- in your opinion) and the dysfunctional drug addict? Maybe, just maybe, there are other teens who are capable, responsible, and mature but don't share the same interests or goals as your dd? And, maybe the leader was suggesting that learning to appreciate and connect with others as they are rather than how we would like them to be is a worthwhile goal?

[Sputterduck]

The very last thing I want for my son when he is a teen is for him to fit in with typical teens.

[kalanamak]

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

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Blogging today on "A discussion on The Art of Homemaking and Motherhood"

 

 

My reply is "but he relates well to adults, and he won't be a child forever." You could sub the word "teen". I never got on with my peers until they were about 24. Now I get on with them royally.

[Remudamom]

I might be repeating, but I'd have said "Yeah, it's too bad she hasn't been on drugs, ran away from home, had an affair with a married man or better yet, an abortion???? She'll never be ever to relate to other girls her age."

[abbeyej]

I might be repeating, but I'd have said "Yeah, it's too bad she hasn't been on drugs, ran away from home, had an affair with a married man or better yet, an abortion???? She'll never be ever to relate to other girls her age."

 

But we have no reason to think that any of the other girls in that group have done those things either!

 

Gracious. Reading this thread it sounds like everyone thinks that all non-home-schooled teens are loose, criminal, and drug-addicted. Thank heavens that has not been my experience.

[lionfamily1999]

What would you have done?

 

Responded with, "Thank God, He only makes us teens for so long ;)."

 

I mean, really, unless she's planning on heading the youth group, it's not like she'll need to relate to them for long.

Edited February 9, 2011 by lionfamily1999

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was at a youth group last week when a teacher of my 16 year old daughter came up and said - "Wow, she is just so sharp. I just love having her in my class." I said "Thanks" and smiled.

 

(Background-My daughter says that most of the kids sit in class, lean back in their chairs, don't listen and don't care to answer any questions-so it is not hard to look good in there.)

 

Shortly after, he said..."My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens."

 

I was tounge tied..and responded by saying "I guess that is better than the alternative." I didn't even make sense, because I was so flabbergasted.

 

I wanted to say- "Wow" ....She plays the harp, has won several national awards for community service and several scholarships, dual enrolled in CC. What more could people want in a teen these days?

 

Would you rather have her dysfunctional on drugs and alcohol, hanging with the goths all tattooed? (No offense please!)

 

I admit that she hasn't fit in well with two or three girls who don't have similar interest as her.

 

Infact, one of the "more popular high school" girls last year found out she was spending a month in Sweden on an exchange with a family we knew in Europe, responded by saying "That sucks..why would you want to spend your whole summer doing that and post-pone getting your drivers license?" (She received her DL 3 months later when the next class was available.)

 

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

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Blogging today on "A discussion on The Art of Homemaking and Motherhood"

 

I'm quoting the OP so that I can take a fresh look at what the teacher actually said:

 

1. He said that she is sharp.

 

2. He said that he loves having her in class.

 

3. He said that he fears that she could have trouble relating to other teens - not that she is having trouble right now but that it is a fear of his.

 

It's a reasonable fear that someone could have. I mean, I have trouble relating to other people sometimes.

 

It was just a comment. It could have been based on some stuff he had observed (thus the suggestions to ask "why" he had said that would have been a good way to handle it). It could have been based on a stereotype - either of homeschoolers or of teens in general. People do have those. But it was just a comment! He wasn't suggesting that she be put in another class, or isolated or put into p.s. or anything else.

 

If I had had someone say this to me, I would have asked why and listened to the answer without being defensive. I value other people's honest and caring opinions and it sounds like this teacher would have been someone honest and caring. Depending on the answer, I would have either nodded in agreement or laughed and perhaps given a short explanation of why the fear was unwarranted. But again, I would have kept in mind that this is view of someone honest and caring, not someone out to get me or my child.

[lionfamily1999]

Jean, I think my response was due to having been that teen :p I didn't relate well either and was just happy to remember that teenagehood is finite.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, I think my response was due to having been that teen :p I didn't relate well either and was just happy to remember that teenagehood is finite.

 

Oh, don't I believe it! I would hate to go back to my teenage years!

[katemary63]

But we have no reason to think that any of the other girls in that group have done those things either!

 

Gracious. Reading this thread it sounds like everyone thinks that all non-home-schooled teens are loose, criminal, and drug-addicted. Thank heavens that has not been my experience.

 

Sadly, my experience has been that most fit at least two of those descriptions. As a freshman, DD found only two girls in her small town high school class of 100 that she felt had her set of values - no s*x, drugs or alcohol were the minimum requirements, but hopfully no potty mouth either. These two girls also happened to attended church and say they were Christians. (Seriously, in that small of a school, you pretty much know ALL the other kids in your class and this was it.) Unfortunately, by the end of senior year, these two were also smoking pot, drinking and having s*x and making fun of my DD for not participating.

 

My DS, age 23, laughs when I say there have got to be some young people out there that aren't into all this. Literally EVERYONE he knew in high school got drunk regularily and was s*xually active. Many of them also smoked pot and worse. My son says that to most people, these things are "normal" in the teen years and that I would die of shock if I knew the thruth. I probably would.

 

Our town is every town. My DD25 lives in Chicago. She's a youth group leader at her church in an afluent suburb. Most of the Jr. high girls in her group have friended her on FB. She says the things they post on FB are absolutely revolting (see above behaviors) and they don't even try to hide it from her. I honestly believe, based on what my three older kids tell me, that most teens are participating is some or all of these undesirable behaviors. You just might not know about it. It's a sad state of affairs.

[laughing lioness]

between your dd and the "others". Don't you think perhaps there's some area between the ideal (your dd- in your opinion) and the dysfunctional drug addict? Maybe, just maybe, there are other teens who are capable, responsible, and mature but don't share the same interests or goals as your dd? And, maybe the leader was suggesting that learning to appreciate and connect with others as they are rather than how we would like them to be is a worthwhile goal?

 

In our experience, the leaders of these type of groups do nothing to encourage the "other" youth to appreciate and connect with the homeschooled kids.

One of my kids was told that she would "never" have any impact on people because her "testimony" was so boring.

The assumption is that if you are not pierced, apathetic, text-addicted, bored, etc there is something wrong with you.

And frankly, I know very, very, very few kids that are bright, engaged, soscial, mature and polite that are not home schooled. (not that homeschoolers are perfect- we know some that have been addicts, had kids out of wed-lock, run away and gone through treatment).

[Mejane]

The teen girls I know are not drug-addicted criminals, but most of them are boy-crazy sillies who only seem to care about clothes and Gossip Girl. My daughter is none of those things, so it's reasonable to assume she wouldn't "fit in." Somehow she still has plenty of friends. I guess it's a mystery. ;)

[Laura Corin]

I've had that kind of comment about Calvin. I normally say something like, 'Oh, he usually finds his niche.' Which he has, at school. He's not part of the popular crowd, but wouldn't want to be. He has friends and, a teacher told me recently, he's quiet in class but when he speaks everyone listens.

 

Laura

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

Thanks everyone for the feedback on my thread about "Being taken off guard by the comment someone made about my daughter not being able to relate to other teens."

 

1. I shouldn't have responded and simply asked the question back "Why did you say that?" As many people pointed out. That would have been much more mature on my behalf and less defensive. Doing so would have given the person and opportunity to defend his comment as many pointed out. Best advice yet!

 

2. I certainly wasn't implying that all teens are terrible. I am surrounded by high caliber teens and think there are many great parents still doing a great job both inside and outside of the homeschool community.

 

3. I know my dd's teacher thinks she is fantastic. I am sure that he has questioned my out of the box thinking on homeschooling and a variety of issues that I have engaged in, in his mind on more than one occasion. His children were very successful both in high school, college and in their personal lives, I am sure that he has questioned my approach because it is different than his choices were. He treats her with respect and values her opinion.

 

4. The most important thing I have learned from the feedback you posted is to not worry about comments and concerns. I have no reason to believe that I should take offense to this situation. I think mentally, I overreacted.

 

5. I have no reason to believe that my daughter doesn't fit in, since there are plenty of people to choose from in the entire group, outside this particular class setting. She has never displayed any reason to not want to participate and has gone out of her way to make others feel accepted and welcome. She is mature for her age and her interest are probably more on a college level. I am well aware of that. But that is her personality and from her upbringing. I have other HS kids that are grade appropriate and even have to be reminded.

 

6. I realize how much I miss not being on the boards! I appreciate the feedback and your support!

 

Blogging today on "TIME- The New Currency"

[Robin in DFW]

Shortly after, he said..."My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens."

I guess I'm wondering why he thinks it is any of his business???

 

I have found people in general to be very vocal about the horrors of homeschooling, but very rarely do they approach publicly schooled kids' parents and say these types of things.

 

I've had my fair share of commentary from people I thought were our friends.

 

I just don't understand why they think they have the right to make comments about things in which they have no experience.

 

I mean, I would never go up to a ps parent (or anyone else) and start in on the horrors of the social behaviors of many, many of those kids and how they won't be able to relate to people who don't misbehave, use drugs and bad language and who respect their parents!

 

I think people need to check themselves. Since when is it "normal" to pierce your tongue, use so many bad words it sounds like a foriegn language, act uninterested, be disrespectful and sleep around? Just wonderin'...

[Peek a Boo]

Christ related well to the masses, but not because He was like them in any way. He related to them because He engaged them and talked to them, unlike the Pharisees who condemned them and exploited them. So, then maybe the question would be, "Does your well-brought up child sit in Sunday School with her nose in the air and ignore the other kids, even at free time, or, does she set a good example in class and then outside of class befriend the other kids, talk to them and engage them in conversation." If it's the first, then I'd be worried, but that doesn't mean it's a result of being homeschooled.

 

...and they ended up killing Him anyway.

 

This type of thread is why my kids tend to avoid youth groups/ other teens. there's no real 'homogenous' mix achieved by putting a bunch of teens in the same room. The adult classes tend to be a better reflection of that.

 

While i like that my 16yos can relate to just about anyone politely, there are certainly some groups of people that will do him no good....for his emotional, physical, or intellectual well being.

[Peek a Boo]

Christ related well to the masses, but not because He was like them in any way. He related to them because He engaged them and talked to them, .

 

...and they ended up killing Him anyway.

 

This type of thread is why my kids tend to avoid youth groups/ other teens. there's no real 'homogenous' mix achieved by putting a bunch of teens in the same room. The adult classes tend to be a better reflection of that.

 

While i like that my 16yos can relate to just about anyone politely, there are certainly some groups of people that will do him no good....for his emotional, physical, or intellectual well being.