"Are they all yours?" Foster/Adopt content

[Miss Peregrine]

Today I had a cashier ask me if all the kids with me were mine. I had my four and FosterDS, whom we are adopting. I consider him mine so I said yes. He very obviously is not blood related to my butt-white kids:D so is this a way of asking if he is adopted? Different fathers? :001_huh:

 

I had another person say, "Wow, you ended up with one with brown eyes!" :lol:

 

I laughed to myself today when I answered "yes, they are all mine." I am sure she was :confused:

 

If you have adopted/foster kids, how do you respond?

[anneofalamo]

oh the first 10-20 times I had this, it was rough!

I had one lady ask me how come my kids were all different colors?

 

I told her I left them in the oven too long.

 

I had another lady tell my Italian but still very much caucasian hubby (who was with me and the brood), oh your daughters (identical twin indian/mexican) how beautiful they were. He without a blink said, "Thank you, they get the beauty from their mother." I smiled and said, "you are so sweet, thank you honey" I am a very pink Caucasian! Her face was too much fun!!

 

There are some that keep going, they just don't get it? My kids have patted people and winked and said, "it's okay, we're adopted"

 

 

So, I try for humor 99.9% of the time, I have had a few rude folks, but most are just kinda clueless. :lol: and so embarrassed when they either figure it out or my kids tell them!

[nono]

If you have adopted/foster kids, how do you respond?

 

With warmth in my eyes, and pride in my voice, "All mine." It matters very much to my children.

 

The question I love is, "Are they brother and sister?" To which I also answer, "Oh, yes." I know they are asking if they are biologic, which they are not, but that piece of information is also no stranger's business. And, further, they are as real as biologic brothers and sisters, so there's no reason to differentiate.

[mommaduck]

Today I had a cashier ask me if all the kids with me were mine. I had my four and FosterDS, whom we are adopting. I consider him mine so I said yes. He very obviously is not blood related to my butt-white kids:D so is this a way of asking if he is adopted? Different fathers? :001_huh:

 

I had another person say, "Wow, you ended up with one with brown eyes!" :lol:

 

I laughed to myself today when I answered "yes, they are all mine." I am sure she was :confused:

 

If you have adopted/foster kids, how do you respond?

Saying this as a mom of many, we get asked this question a lot (and yes, the siblings are all fully blood related). Honestly, I think people are just amazed at large families or presume a large group means you are babysitting or were willing (you amazing woman!) to take other people's kids to the store with you. I don't think it had anything to do with how your foster child looked compared to your other children ;)

[gardening momma]

or presume a large group means you are babysitting or were willing (you amazing woman!) to take other people's kids to the store with you. I don't think it had anything to do with how your foster child looked compared to your other children ;)

:iagree: I would take it to mean, do you have their friends/cousins over to visit?

[Plucky]

I've been asked that, too. I am dark-haired and dark-eyed, while my kids (bio) are blonde and blue-eyed.

[kalanamak]

 

I told her I left them in the oven too long.

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Wheres Toto]

Honestly, I think people are just amazed at large families or presume a large group means you are babysitting or were willing (you amazing woman!) to take other people's kids to the store with you.

 

This could certainly be the case. I remember when I was 19 years old and out at a store with three of my cousins - who were 6, 4 and 3 at the time (last 2 are 10 months apart). I had a few comments of "Oh my, are they all yours!?!" Considering I didn't look any older than my 19 years I'm not sure where they were going with the question. :confused: I did also get one passing comment of "Oh you poor thing". :lol:

[Corraleno]

I would take it to mean, do you have their friends/cousins over to visit?

I think when there are lots of kids of the same color, "are they all yours?" probably does mean "wow, did you really give birth to all those kids??" but when the kids are multi-colored, it generally means "are the non-white ones adopted?" I only have 2 kids (one is Asian), and I've been asked that question. I also know parents with mixed-race bio kids who get asked as well.

 

I always say that yes, they're both mine, and sometimes people (why is it always cashiers who ask these questions???) will persist in asking if I'm her "real mom" (I always say yes) or they say things like "Oh, I guess she must get her black hair and eyes from her dad" — I just smile & say yes to that too. :001_smile:

 

Jackie

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unless it is clear in the context that they mean something else, I go for the simplest meaning every time. To me, "Are they all yours means" are they your children or friends/neighbors/cousins? I would simply say yes and not worry about it.

 

"Your dd's are beautiful or your ds is so handsome" simply means that they are beautiful or handsome. I get this one a lot and since my kids are bi-racial it is often because they have a more exotic beauty. I say, and teach my kids to say, a simple "thank you".

[Momma H]

I have 2 bio kids and 2 adopted (one white 5 yob and one 3 yog).

 

I used to think quite a bit about it and wonder how to respond and wonder what people must think. Now, most of the time I don't even think about it and just say they are all mine. It seems like there are so many adoptions and so many interracial ones that it will be way less of a big deal than it used to be. Maybe it will still be a deal to some but it seems I see it all the time now. In my church it is very common which is wonderful. My kids are totally regular there because there are so many adopted and different colored kids. (with more in the pipeline! a few more couples are in the process) I am feeling rather blessed right now.:D

[Denisemomof4]

I was shocked at the level of stupidity people had after we adopted. We had 3 bio kids then adopted from China. JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, PEOPLE: IF YOU HEAR A CHILD OF A DIFFERENT RACE CALL SOMEONE "Mom," THAT USUALLY MEANS SHE IS THE MOTHER.:smash: It's REALLY not necessary to ask, "Oh, is she yours?" :001_huh:

 

Dd used to get SO ANNOYED at everyone's comments and questions. They don't seem to take place as often now. Maybe we're just so used to it?

[Mommyfaithe]

With warmth in my eyes, and pride in my voice, "All mine." It matters very much to my children.

 

The question I love is, "Are they brother and sister?" To which I also answer, "Oh, yes." I know they are asking if they are biologic, which they are not, but that piece of information is also no stranger's business. And, further, they are as real as biologic brothers and sisters, so there's no reason to differentiate.

 

I remember as a kid someone asking my mother if we were her "real" kids....my mom looked at the woman all wierd and answered "They sure look real to me!" Me and my brother still laugh at that one...and ask each other if we are "real."

 

Faithe

[Miss Peregrine]

oh the first 10-20 times I had this, it was rough!

I had one lady ask me how come my kids were all different colors?

 

I told her I left them in the oven too long.

 

I had another lady tell my Italian but still very much caucasian hubby (who was with me and the brood), oh your daughters (identical twin indian/mexican) how beautiful they were. He without a blink said, "Thank you, they get the beauty from their mother." I smiled and said, "you are so sweet, thank you honey" I am a very pink Caucasian! Her face was too much fun!!

 

There are some that keep going, they just don't get it? My kids have patted people and winked and said, "it's okay, we're adopted"

 

 

So, I try for humor 99.9% of the time, I have had a few rude folks, but most are just kinda clueless. :lol: and so embarrassed when they either figure it out or my kids tell them!

 

Love that!

[Tarreymere]

My DH has a strange sense of humor. We were walking in Walmart with a few of our kids and grandkids, and a few of them are biracial. I guess DH had heard the question 'are they all yours?' one time too many........while we were in the middle of a crowded part of the store and while he was carrying one of the biracial kids he glared at me and said 'I STILL don't think he's mine!'

Utter silence. In Walmart.

 

Too funny!!!

[Lovedtodeath]

Of course they are all yours, Amy! What other answer could you give? You aren't babysitting.

 

Rainefox, that is hilarious!

Edited November 28, 2010 by Lovedtodeath

[Ellyndria]

My DH has a strange sense of humor. We were walking in Walmart with a few of our kids and grandkids, and a few of them are biracial. I guess DH had heard the question 'are they all yours?' one time too many........while we were in the middle of a crowded part of the store and while he was carrying one of the biracial kids he glared at me and said 'I STILL don't think he's mine!'

Utter silence. In Walmart.

 

Too funny!!!

 

:lol:

[Miss Peregrine]

My DH has a strange sense of humor. We were walking in Walmart with a few of our kids and grandkids, and a few of them are biracial. I guess DH had heard the question 'are they all yours?' one time too many........while we were in the middle of a crowded part of the store and while he was carrying one of the biracial kids he glared at me and said 'I STILL don't think he's mine!'

Utter silence. In Walmart.

 

Too funny!!!

 

Awesome! :lol::lol:

[cin]

I have a friend who has several children adopted from Vietnam, China and India. The little girl from India is VERY dark. Someone asked my friend If the Indian dd was black. my friend replied, without missing a beat, 'I don't know, I never met him.' And just kept walking. :)

[coffeegal]

My DH has a strange sense of humor. We were walking in Walmart with a few of our kids and grandkids, and a few of them are biracial. I guess DH had heard the question 'are they all yours?' one time too many........while we were in the middle of a crowded part of the store and while he was carrying one of the biracial kids he glared at me and said 'I STILL don't think he's mine!'

Utter silence. In Walmart.

 

Too funny!!!

 

:rofl:

[JenC3]

I just don't get why a STRANGER would even think they can ask such noisy rude questions. Geez!

[Alexandra]

With warmth in my eyes, and pride in my voice, "All mine." It matters very much to my children.

 

The question I love is, "Are they brother and sister?" To which I also answer, "Oh, yes." I know they are asking if they are biologic, which they are not, but that piece of information is also no stranger's business. And, further, they are as real as biologic brothers and sisters, so there's no reason to differentiate.

 

:)

[Corraleno]

I just don't get why a STRANGER would even think they can ask such noisy rude questions. Geez!

I once had a Walmart cashier not only ask me if DD was adopted, but how much did I pay for her and what happened to her "real mom." :glare:

 

Jackie

[Lovedtodeath]

 

my friend replied, without missing a beat, 'I don't know, I never met him.' And just kept walking. :)

:)

[LaissezFaire]

I have to chuckle a little because even genetics can give you one that doesn't look like the others. I get the opposite. I have three redheads, 2 blonds and one lone brunette with olive skin and dark eyes. She is blood related but people ALWAYS ask if she is a neighbor kid. Poor thing. :lol:

[Carrie12345]

I have to chuckle a little because even genetics can give you one that doesn't look like the others. I get the opposite. I have three redheads, 2 blonds and one lone brunette with olive skin and dark eyes. She is blood related but people ALWAYS ask if she is a neighbor kid. Poor thing. :lol:

 

Yup. Most of the time, I just get the standard "Are they all yours?", and it's usually just based on the number (even with "only" 4). Once in a while people will get curious because the younger two are blond and fair, and the older two are different degrees of brunette, one with fair skin and one with a more Mediterranean complexion (compared to the others, at least!)

They all came outta me, and the ones that are most opposite are dh's!

[KrissiK]

I just say, 'Yes', very innocently, as if I have no idea what their real question is. It makes me so mad when people do it, although I know for the most part it's just curiousity. They see a very white woman with 2 brown and one very very dark brown children and they wonder. But, I'm thinkin', "isn't it obvious that I didn't birth these children?" Why do you have to ask and make me uncomfortable?

[MamaT]

With warmth in my eyes, and pride in my voice, "All mine." It matters very much to my children.

 

The question I love is, "Are they brother and sister?" To which I also answer, "Oh, yes." I know they are asking if they are biologic, which they are not, but that piece of information is also no stranger's business. And, further, they are as real as biologic brothers and sisters, so there's no reason to differentiate.

 

:iagree: Four of mine are white and two are not. It really is no one's business and so a "yes" from me is all they get.

[mommaduck]

I have to chuckle a little because even genetics can give you one that doesn't look like the others. I get the opposite. I have three redheads, 2 blonds and one lone brunette with olive skin and dark eyes. She is blood related but people ALWAYS ask if she is a neighbor kid. Poor thing. :lol:

Yep! Ours run the gamut on the genetic dice due to the mixed heritage my dh and I have.

[JessReplanted]

This doesn't happen to me too often. Although over the Summer the head librarian at the library we go to (nearly once a week) told me that she didn't think all of the kids I brought were mine. :angry: If she had been a complete stranger I would have given her a simple "Yes, they are mine", but she's someone we see all of the time - so I told her that God brought us one of our kids through adoption. I was flustered though.

 

As a side note - I feel like people often look at our kids and are not sure who was adopted and who wasn't. I have dark hair and light skin, as does my son. My middle daughter has dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin. My youngest daughter is white-white with blond hair & blue eyes (someone actually once asked my husband if she was albino!).

[talexand]

I get this if I am out with kids that I am watching for a friend. A couple of weeks ago I had 6 children from 6yrs-11yrs old at the library. Three are mine and the rest belong to our First Lego League team which was doing research and then I was driving them home. I just laughed and told her which ones belonged to me and that the rest were borrowed. I think she was just bored and looking for conversation. Maybe she was hoping for an interesting family story because we did not all look alike but I bought them all treats at the coffee stand just like they were all mine. I could see that this would get to be annoying in a different situation.

[mykdsmomy]

I haven't had a chance to read the other responses but one of my favorite ways to answer a similar question (depending on my mood) is:

 

stranger: "Oh he must look like his father"

 

me: "Yeah, I have no idea who his father is"

 

(it's the truth since we don't know who he is)

[StephanieZ]

Oh, no, I would assume to asker means 'Do all these kids belong to you, or are some of them friends?'

 

I often joke when I have 'extras' along on an outing that 'those two are borrowed for the evening' or whatever, to explain why I have such a gang of kids of similar ages. . .

 

I don't think they mean to differentiate between adoptive/foster/birth kids. Even if that IS what they mean, then I'd choose to misinterpret them along the lines of the way I said above. Just say, YES -- all mine!!

[DaffodilDreams]

Saying this as a mom of many, we get asked this question a lot (and yes, the siblings are all fully blood related). Honestly, I think people are just amazed at large families or presume a large group means you are babysitting or were willing (you amazing woman!) to take other people's kids to the store with you. I don't think it had anything to do with how your foster child looked compared to your other children ;)

 

I have one child. She doesn't look like us. It is not uncommon for people to ask if she is ours. So, no, I don't think it's necessarily the large family thing. For some reason, some people still think families need to look alike, and these people seem to think it's their business to know why a particular family doesn't fit their idea of normal. And anyway, whether a person is surprised by the size of a family or that family's physical appearance, such uninvited questions are beyond rude and potentially hurtful to the children in question.

[LaissezFaire]

My girls are fraternal twins. They barely look related. They were once berated by a Target employee for 'lying' about being twins. I was NOT happy and she got an earful from me. They truly ARE twins. I was THERE when they came out of me.

http://flic.kr/p/8WFMHx

[Osmosis Mom]

My girls are fraternal twins. They barely look related. They were once berated by a Target employee for 'lying' about being twins. I was NOT happy and she got an earful from me. They truly ARE twins. I was THERE when they came out of me.

http://flic.kr/p/8WFMHx

 

Gorgeous girls, but, hey, they really look different!! My twins -fraternal- have just recently begun to really look different, but they are still the same height and almost the same weight as well!!!

[mommama]

Attached is a photo of me and my youngest. All of mine are adopted. Imagine the looks I get when little man joyfully screams "mama" when we're in public, LOL!

[Ravin]

My girls are fraternal twins. They barely look related. They were once berated by a Target employee for 'lying' about being twins. I was NOT happy and she got an earful from me. They truly ARE twins. I was THERE when they came out of me.

 

They look a lot alike to me. Sure, one has lighter hair than the other, but they have the same chin and even that dimple on the right under their smiles.

 

People often used to comment about how my sister J (fostered into our family) looks more like my mom than any of her 3 bio kids.

 

My bio DD's and I look enough alike that on one occasion when I was somewhere with one of them we were asked if we were twins. My reply was, "I'm not, she is," which confused the heck out of the woman asking. My younger bio sisters are identical twins.

 

Seems to me that if they are all yours, "yes" is the only answer needed.

[Heather in Neverland]

Considering I have one caucasian child, one korean child and one indian child...we get LOTS of stares and questions...like the old southern gentleman who asked "Where'd ya'll find HIM at?" about my korean ds and the malaysian lady here that asked "Where you get her?" about my indian dd. My favorite, though, is when the employee at Chuck E. Cheese accused me me of trying to kidnap my ds because "he doesn't look like you".... I'm white, he's asian...well NO KIDDING. :D

[cbollin]

My girls are fraternal twins. They barely look related. They were once berated by a Target employee for 'lying' about being twins.

 

in my husband's family, we have 2 sets of twins in his brothers and sisters. one set of identical twins. and one set of fraternal twins. The fraternal twins don't look much alike (dark hair thin build, and the other is blonde and heavy build)

 

Your daughters do look like sisters who are very close in age. The apparent height difference in the picture would make me think 1 year apart instead of fraternal twins. But I believe you and your daughters.

 

I know with my dh's uncles - they were 10 months apart in age and people assumed they were twins.

 

Some people just don't know that there is such a thing as fraternal twins. (that might have been the case with the weird employee you encountered) Yes, it is weird that the employee "berated" the children on it. But take it for what it is: someone in the world who doesn't know a fact.

 

I'm sorry the cashier's words hurt you and your children so much. :grouphug: (edit to add sentence: It would bother me too if someone didn't believe my children when my kids were being honest.)

 

But I can imagine it's more interesting for a couple in the UK

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-377839/Black-white-twins.html

 

remember that story?

 

-crystal

Edited November 28, 2010 by cbollin

[cbollin]

Attached is a photo of me and my youngest. All of mine are adopted. Imagine the looks I get when little man joyfully screams "mama" when we're in public, LOL!

 

:)

sweet pic!

 

-crystal

[mommaduck]

I have one child. She doesn't look like us. It is not uncommon for people to ask if she is ours. So, no, I don't think it's necessarily the large family thing. For some reason, some people still think families need to look alike, and these people seem to think it's their business to know why a particular family doesn't fit their idea of normal. And anyway, whether a person is surprised by the size of a family or that family's physical appearance, such uninvited questions are beyond rude and potentially hurtful to the children in question.

In some people's cases I can see this, but not always. My kids laugh about it. I really believe a lot of it has to do with the family itself and how much you choose to take offense. I was adopted and this question would have been better welcomed than that pretending of how much they saw the "resemblance" :glare: Sorry, I appreciate honesty over playing the typical game of pretended ignorance.

Edited November 28, 2010 by mommaduck

[nono]

I have one child. She doesn't look like us. It is not uncommon for people to ask if she is ours. So, no, I don't think it's necessarily the large family thing. For some reason, some people still think families need to look alike, and these people seem to think it's their business to know why a particular family doesn't fit their idea of normal. And anyway, whether a person is surprised by the size of a family or that family's physical appearance, such uninvited questions are beyond rude and potentially hurtful to the children in question.

 

I couldn't agree more. Rude and the potential to hurt someone's feelings is more than enough reason for folks to hold their tongue.

 

I get that not everyone is hurt by the comments. But what about those who are?

 

Hey, my dh is Asian, and laughs off racial/stereotype comments. So, that makes it OK for the speaker to have said them??? Just because he reacts "well" doesn't mean it wasn't rude and uncalled for behavior on the speaker's part.

[Denisemomof4]

I once had a Walmart cashier not only ask me if DD was adopted, but how much did I pay for her and what happened to her "real mom." :glare:

 

Jackie

 

oh yeah, the "real mom" comment. Idiots.:glare: Last time I checked, I was real.......:001_huh:

[Momma H]

Attached is a photo of me and my youngest. All of mine are adopted. Imagine the looks I get when little man joyfully screams "mama" when we're in public, LOL!

 

 

I love it! I bet that is fun!

[Wheres Toto]

My girls are fraternal twins. They barely look related. They were once berated by a Target employee for 'lying' about being twins. I was NOT happy and she got an earful from me. They truly ARE twins. I was THERE when they came out of me.

 

I constantly get people asking me if my younger two are twins. Once when I said no, the person responded with "are you sure?" :001_huh::confused: They are 23 months apart. (at the bottom of this post there's a bunch of pictures of them together - http://dottiesuniverse.blogspot.com/2010/04/easter-and-spring.html - they do look alike but I think I'd know if they were twins.

 

I think a lot of people just don't think before they speak.

[Denisemomof4]

I have one child. She doesn't look like us. It is not uncommon for people to ask if she is ours. So, no, I don't think it's necessarily the large family thing. For some reason, some people still think families need to look alike, and these people seem to think it's their business to know why a particular family doesn't fit their idea of normal. And anyway, whether a person is surprised by the size of a family or that family's physical appearance, such uninvited questions are beyond rude and potentially hurtful to the children in question.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:Rude, ignorant people are CONSTANTLY making my youngest feel bad. They're always singling her out, making her feel all the more different. She's the only Asian, the only adopted in our family. She is constantly reminded of how different she is by stupid people who constantly question in her presence, PERSONAL questions, as if she's not there, or she's deaf, or she's inhuman. Really? Leave us alone.

 

OTHER people have made her feel so much worse about herself and ultimately, it's our family who pays the price for this. We have learned to ignore the smiles, which sometimes are well meaning people behind them, and other times are just the first step in the personal question process.

 

I don't ask you how much you weigh or if you bathe daily. Don't ask my dd if I'm her mother or where her REAL mother is. It's stupid, selfish, and completely inconsiderate and it makes you look like an idiot.

 

Just my VERY strong opinion.

 

(can you tell it's a hot spot for me? I'm TIRED of seeing dd suffer at the stupid actions of other people.)

[BeckyFL]

With warmth in my eyes, and pride in my voice, "All mine." It matters very much to my children.

 

The question I love is, "Are they brother and sister?" To which I also answer, "Oh, yes." I know they are asking if they are biologic, which they are not, but that piece of information is also no stranger's business. And, further, they are as real as biologic brothers and sisters, so there's no reason to differentiate.

 

Why do people even want to know this stuff? Just nosy? It's kind of irritating to think of someone you don't know asking something like that. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood or something, but it seems rude to me especially in front of the kids.

[Denisemomof4]

Why do people even want to know this stuff? Just nosy? It's kind of irritating to think of someone you don't know asking something like that. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood or something, but it seems rude to me especially in front of the kids.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

You are wise. At least you can put the best interest of the child ahead of fulfilling your own desires to know the personal business of a stranger and their family.:glare:

[kalanamak]

I couldn't agree more. Rude and the potential to hurt someone's feelings is more than enough reason for folks to hold their tongue.

 

I think a lot of this is "poor impulse control". They think it, it comes out of their mouth, rather than a premeditated "Ohhh, I hate these mixed families, let me say something rude".

 

I base this opinion on years of Great Dane owning. I went everywhere with my gentle giant, and heard "What a big dog!" several times a day. For years. I took to giving snappy comebacks, e.g. "no it is a Texan Chihuahua".

 

I'm all for impulse control, but think of most ill-speakers as fools, not rogues.

Edited November 28, 2010 by kalanamak
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