Do you draw names for Christmas gift exchange with extended family? (A full-on vent!)

[mom2abcd]

We do on both sides and while it has been uncomfortable, I'm thankful we don't have the same issues you're dealing with!

 

Dh and I both come from large families. We spend way more on extended family than we do on our own kids and that's not the way I would prefer it. But we only have so much money.

 

The weird thing is that whenever I suggest lower suggested amounts, one sil disagrees loudly. And then I find out that they are in big money troubles. In fact on one side of the family, there is quite a bit of credit card and other debt. Yet they want to spend extravagantly on things our kids don't even want. (Shaking head).

 

There is a value in gift-giving when our kids can think of others and try to figure out what gift they might like. But all the shopping and extra cost adds up to a lot more stress than I like at this time of the year.

 

Christmas is about celebrating God's greatest Gift with us.

 

Too often our silly traditions take the focus off of Him and instead lend a sense of frantic-ness to this season that should be so joyful.

 

I agree with others-- feel free to get things on sale and spend less than $50. I really like the idea of giving the money to http://www.heifer.org or something similar in honor of the person. (Especially the one who insisted on the high amounts;o)

 

I wouldn't be past opting out either, but like you, my dh would never agree.

[LibraryLover]

There has been a clearly expressed opinion that the actual dollars spent should=$50. In other words, they've made it clear that just because you found it on sale, doesn't mean you don't need to spend the remaining $$. :glare:

 

 

That's ignorant.

[LaissezFaire]

We actually draw names within our immediate family. Of course my husband and I buy a gift for each kid but it would be insane if all the kids got each other a gift. So on Thanksgiving we all draw a name from a hat and keep it a secret. Throughout the Christmas season each person does special little things for their person, in secret of course. I love seeing the things the kids come up with. And of course they buy a special gift for their person as well.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Don't participate. When our families did that you chose whether you wanted your name in the pot or not. I'd just say, "We are not participating this year." Eventually we stopped all that dumb stuff anyway. Why should I spend $50 buying you junk when you can take your own $50 and buy yourself what you want.

 

I think the whole thing is silly and a waste of time and money. Families should just get together and enjoy fellowship without it being all about junk no one needs.

 

:iagree:

 

I would totally opt out if this is beyond you're family's comfort level. Tell them now, not in a few weeks. It is then their choice to join you in reducing the gift giving, hope that you're more able in a future year, or spend the holidays wallowing in hurt feelings. But that is THEIR choice.

 

Isn't anyone just happy that their families are healthy, sheltered and still speaking to each other? Do we have to gild the lily with a bunch of junk and further sully Christmas by setting a minimum price on the gifts. Good grief.

[elegantlion]

There has been a clearly expressed opinion that the actual dollars spent should=$50. In other words, they've made it clear that just because you found it on sale, doesn't mean you don't need to spend the remaining $$. :glare:

 

That's not Christmas, that's not giving, that's freakin' blackmail!!!!

 

Why don't you give everyone a card that says you donated something to Heifer? You could give an ornament in the shape of the animal.

 

If they complain, it makes THEM look cheap and Scrooge-like. :001_smile:

 

:iagree: I would do this just to make the point.

[lovemyboys]

There has been a clearly expressed opinion that the actual dollars spent should=$50. In other words, they've made it clear that just because you found it on sale, doesn't mean you don't need to spend the remaining $$. :glare:

 

??? And I would say that if you shop more carefully and frugally than I do, good for you....if each person receives the $50 ($25) value of the gift then what's the big problem. This seems pretty greedy to be so detailed (sorry). What if the perfect gift for your person is only $40? You've then got to shop to pad it another $10?

 

We use a range for our gift exchange, between $25-50. Has someone been shopping yard sales for $5 bargains in beat-up boxes or out-dated finds?

 

Good luck. I'd shop as it makes sense for you....if something's "worth" $50, then it's worth $50. In this economic climate, I'd say those amounts are pretty high -- unless all involved are pretty well off.

 

:001_smile:

[HRAAB]

My dh's family has always drawn names - family to family. Many times I felt guilty since we have the biggest family; the family drawing our name had 7 gifts to buy. That was easily over $100 just for us. I just feel it is too much. I thought a better idea would be a family gift: food basket, game, gift certificate. Anyway, last year after dh lost his job, I said we couldn't do it. Come to find out, several other families thought it was out of hand ($$$), too, and they backed out. I think the worst part was everyone felt obligated. It wasn't until we were unemployed that I felt I had a legitimate reason for not playing along.

 

I think something on the order of $25.00 max. for the entire family would be okay. Buy a game or puzzle - something like that.

[ereks mom]

Sorry, I'd tell those in charge that my gift will be what I spend on it and nothing more. If it isn't liked they can take my name off the list. have they forgotten that gifts are gifts not something mandated?

 

:iagree:

[ereks mom]

There has been a clearly expressed opinion that the actual dollars spent should=$50. In other words, they've made it clear that just because you found it on sale, doesn't mean you don't need to spend the remaining $$. :glare:

 

But if you don't tell them, how could they know? I say if you want to spend only $25 per gift, buy a $50 item on sale for half price and let it go at that. Remove the price tag and they'll never know. And if they do, so what? If they complain, they'll look greedy. And even if they do complain that you're cheap, what are they going to do about it? As my dh loves to say, "You can't see them from your house."

[ereks mom]

I have a friend whose in-laws decided one year that everyone should spend $100 per person. My friends are very frugal and are able to give an appearance of financial wealth while living on very little--there really did NOT have this kind of money to spend at Christmas. They simply informed everyone that they would NOT be spending that much money per person, nor did they expect or require that anyone spend that kind of money on them. There was grumbling and drama, but my friend quietly stuck to her guns. There has been no further fussing about it in the years since.

 

Good for her!

[coffeefreak]

This is why we don't participate anymore. We don't live close, but even if we did, the cost was ridiculous. Besides, the kids get so many gifts from the other side of our family, they really don't need to be in on an exchange.

[Laurie4b]

We stopped a draw altogether many years ago. There are now no gifts to nieces/nephews or aunts/uncles. We give gifts to our parents only. It makes Christmas much more relaxing. Nobody needs more stuff. Truly. Next year, just ask to be left out. We found that when we did that, there were others who were so relieved. It just folded. No unhappy campers that I know of.

 

ETA: Good grief. I just read about the $50 minimum. Insane. Opt out. Say,

"I am so so sorry, but did not know that the requirement financially was so high. We cannot afford it. Please redraw the names." It will cause trouble this year and then you'll be done with it. Done. You can breathe a big ole sigh of relief. You are saying you can't afford it--say it to them. Or take your gift back and get a $50 refund. This is why I HATE Christmas. (And I love the religious part of the holiday, but I HATE the rest of it. Pressure, pressure, pressure. Busy, busy, busy. Food,food, food. Spend, spend, spend. Not the way to celebrate the birth of the King of Heaven into a stable.

Edited November 25, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Julie in CA]

As my dh loves to say, "You can't see them from your house."

Oh, but I *can* see them from my house. :glare:

My dh and his brother are partners on our dairy farm, so we actually do live on the same property, and our lives our inescapably tied together. That's why I'm venting *here*, so that I can maintain equanimity in my real life. :001_smile:

 

It's truly better not to rock the boat, but I did come here and allow myself a "virtual whine session". :D

[Miss Sherry]

Surprisingly, it's because I think it's not enough for what I want to give, not because I am concerned about what we'll get. I want my "assigned" kids to be totally thrilled with their gifts. I want the recipient of my santa-tree gift to be ecstatic that they picked that one.

It sounds like gift giving may be a special talent of yours. Some people get a lot of enjoyment out of the whole process of giving gifts and seem to always come up with great ideas. :001_smile:

[Miss Sherry]

Three of my dh's brothers & their families live close by. We've always drawn names for a Christmas gift exchange, with a draw for adults, and a separate draw for kids. The limit in past years has been a source of some confusion--some people thought the limit was $25 for adults & $15 for kids, and some people thought the limit was $40 for adults & 25 for kids. I thought $25/$15 was a generous price range.

 

This year, two of the sil's got together & drew the names (as usual). They distribute a list that has the results for all of the families. When I received my list, in tiny print at the bottom it says: Adults $50 Kids $25

 

Do these people not realize that for my family that means $275?? That's almost as much as I'd planned on spending for all of my kids put together. :confused:

 

Maybe it's because none of their adult children are in college & still dependent? :confused:

 

Now, I realize that I could rock the boat on this (but I'm not gonna :glare:). I just came here to complain, vent, & move on.

 

Does anyone else have a family draw that seems outlandishly expensive?

Am I the only one?

(I'm all out of questions now, I promise! :D)

If it were me, I would just find something nice on sale that would normally retail for around $50 for the adult gift and $25 for the child's gift and not worry about it. I wouldn't volunteer any information about what I spent on the gifts. Just because one or more of the relatives is obsessing about what is going to be spent on gifts doesn't mean you need to concern yourself so much with it.

Edited November 25, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[Miss Sherry]

Last Christmas we went to our adult daughter and son-in-laws home for Christmas. Several relatives of our son-in-law also came. It was the first time we ever met some of our son-in-laws relatives. What we did was bring gifts for our granddaughter and something very small for our daughter and son-in-law and they gave us a very small inexpensive gift. All of the adults and teenagers related to our son-in-law drew names and purchased one $20 or so gift. Our daughter purchased a gift for our teenage daughter. So everyone opened one package. It was very nice to have the gifts much simpler than in years past.

But we did open other gifts at home with our teenage daughter and our now 22 year old son.

[Melinda TX]

I haven't read all the responses....but here is what we do. I am the one that rocked the boat many years ago and suggested drawing names. We did adults and kids. (No one set any kind of limit, but we all ended up spending around $25 for adults, less for kids)

Then I went and did it again - the adults no longer draw names, we put our money that would have been spent towards a charity - each year a dfferent

"branch" of the family chooses a cause near and dear to their heart.

The kids still exchange gifts, but I put a personal limit of $10-15 per child. We have the most kids in the family at 4.

 

Obviously gifts are not my "language" and would easily do without them - I just love getting together and hanging out!

 

Many years ago at work we always did a gift exchange. One year things were really tough financially for us, and I thought why spend any money on my co-workers and have less to spend on family! I was the office pariah for that - and wore my badge proudly.

 

Gifts should come from the heart, and given freely - not forced. If forced, it is not a gift but an obligation that can fester bitterness.

Edited November 25, 2010 by Melinda TX
spell

[Word Nerd]

My extended family used to draw names for ornaments. We stopped doing it when cousins started having kids, but I liked that tradition and have some fun things to hang on the tree. It also wasn't a financial strain. If I were in the OP or some of the other posters' positions, I would opt out.

[nrg]

Our families do not exchange gifts at all any more. The incomes vary widely, as do the children's and now grandchildren's expectations. We send each family a photo and a small family gift--homemade or local. They do the same. We get together and have a wonderful time without the stress of artificial gift giving at all.

 

I would cooperate this year by buying sale items or items for which the price cannot be determined--handmade, etc. Then next year I'd pre-empt the crisis by opening the discussion well in advance. Perhaps a theme each year--food, ornaments, a family game, a dinner invitation, etc. instead of the individual gifts.

 

It isn't fun. Fun is the point of the exercise. So, change it.

[Veritaserum]

I would LOVE to end gift exchanges outside me, dh, and the kids. It stresses me out. I don't like buying gifts unless I have the perfect thing in mind. I hate getting things I don't want or need and feel guilty when I donate those things. My family rotates names (set schedule) and it's fine because none of us want or expect to get anything pricey. I got my disabled brother this year. He is my favorite to shop for because he is still like a child. You get a big reward when he opens a present he likes. :) My sister and I are both satisfied with things like baked goods, but we do tend to get gifts for the kids.

 

Dh's family is SO touchy and sensitive. They also can't plan anything in advance to save their lives. Plans change a dozen times. Ugh. We have done name drawings, but two of dh's siblings whined that they wanted everyone to give to everyone. Dh and I have five kids. Dh's brother has one and his sisters both have none. I do not expect or want anyone to feel like they have to give presets to all seven members of my family. I actually would prefer nothing because I feel like we have too much stuff as it is. :tongue_smilie: Dh's sister loves to go on dollar store shopping sprees for each kid and I have a hard time being gracious about the influx of junk into my home.

 

I have no idea what is expected of us this year regarding gifts for dh's family.

 

Gift giving is totally NOT my love language. :)

[EarleneW]

There has been a clearly expressed opinion that the actual dollars spent should=$50. In other words, they've made it clear that just because you found it on sale, doesn't mean you don't need to spend the remaining $$. :glare:

 

How exactly would they know how much you spent?

[Cricket]

There was one year when all the dc were pretty little, and the two dc that are closest in age to mine received gifts from the Big Spenders: the nephew who is a few months younger than my ER opened a HUGE box containing an air hockey table, and his sister who is a few months older than my EK opened another big box containing a big, lovely wooden jewelry box, with a real diamond birthstone ring in a smaller wrapped box inside. Guess what my dc received from the Cheapskates? Each received a fleece sweater-vest--which I had seen on sale at Walmart earlier that week for $7. I remember thinking that surely this was only part of each child's gift, and there were surely another package for each of them, but no, that was it.

 

I was so disappointed for my dc that they didn't get ANY of the items on their lists. It probably wouldn't have mattered so much if they'd been older, but they were pretty young at the time (6 & 10, maybe), and I'm sure it's hard for kids that age to understand the inequity. Heck, it's hard for ME to understand it. :tongue_smilie:

 

That is so sad! Several years ago we had very little financially and the limit in our family was only $20. We also exchanged lists with the names so we could have some ideas of what to get. I got my brother's name and knew he wanted a particular DVD. It took a little doing but I watched for the best price and managed to get the money to buy it for him. I also wanted the same DVD. When the package arrived, I was excited because it was just the right shape and size. It was also one of only two presents I got that year because of tight finances. On Christmas morning I opened it up to find not a DVD but a box of all-occasion greeting cards. :001_huh: Needless to say, that wasn't on my list and it probably cost all of $5. It was really hard not to be disappointed. It did help to put the important things back into perspective....but I guess maybe I still haven't gotten over it because I can still remember what it felt like! :lol:

[Laurie in Life]

We stopped the gift exchange in my extended family over 10 years ago when we all decided that we were adults who had enough stuff. Up until then, we had exchanged between sibling and their significant others. We also chipped in for a group present for my parents. And, we used to have an exchange between nieces and nephews.

 

My parents have both since passed and we decided that we all just wanted to get together to enjoy great food and each other's company. So, each family has their own Christmas either Christmas Eve or morning and then we all gather for dinner at one of our homes sans presents. The holiday is so much more relaxing for all of us.

[Hockey Mom]

Buy them gifts from World Vision in their honor. :) It's really what Christmas is about. It will make you feel good, it will help families in need, and your extended family can't really complain about such a generous gift, can they? ;)

[Amy loves Bud]

There has been a clearly expressed opinion that the actual dollars spent should=$50. In other words, they've made it clear that just because you found it on sale, doesn't mean you don't need to spend the remaining $$. :glare:

 

Groupon. They'll never know. ;)

[Audrey]

:001_smile: That's nice of you to say! That's what I'll be doing for my sisters & their families--lovely cheesecakes for all.

 

My dh's family doesn't even usually assign me to bring dessert to family gatherings. :001_huh::sad:

 

 

Julie, I saw this recently. I tried it and it makes the neatest little cheesecakes. I didn't actually use her recipe for the cheesecake -- I used my own pumpkin cheesecake recipe -- but the results were fabulous. These were for Samhain gifts and I used some pretty fall paper cut-outs to decorate the jar and some fabric and ribbon to top it off. You could make several kinds and give a mixed assortment as gifts, too.

 

Just an idea...

Edited November 25, 2010 by Audrey

[OnTheBrink]

Buy them gifts from World Vision in their honor. :) It's really what Christmas is about. It will make you feel good, it will help families in need, and your extended family can't really complain about such a generous gift, can they? ;)

 

 

I was going to suggest this. And, many of the gifts at World Vision expand. For example, if you spend $10 on something, it buys $50 worth of whatever. I'd give it a gander and see if it appeals to you.

 

Other than that, I'd give a food pantry $50 worth of food in their honor. What greedy people you have to deal with! It would serve them right to have their gift go to feed someone who can't afford food, let alone a mandatory gift for an ungrateful relative!

[dangermom]

Dude, that is idiotic. Besides handmade things are better than bought. Therefore you should make a neat fancy dessert that would go for $50 in a bakery. A Yule log cake would easily bring that (I used to work at Katrina Rozelle's in the Bay Area and we'd charge $60 for the larger ones!). Most of your desserts would. So there.

 

$50 is about what I spent on my own kids' presents this year. Luckily my family agreed years ago that adults don't get presents, and nieces/nephews get small gifts. I only have sewing left to do.

[Sonshine]

My sil requested that we stop the gift exchange several years ago - she has no children and probably got tired of buying gifts for my many kids. Each family buys an animal out of the World Vision catalog. We do have a very fun white elephant exchange - most gifts actually something decent, but a few funny things thrown in - $10 limit. The white elephant exchange is actually more fun than the opening of so many gifts was - and a lot of those weren't the best suited for the recipients, so a waste of money.

 

My brother and his family and my mother exchange gifts with us - but it's usually one or two bigger (not huge) gifts for the kids - last year just a Subway gift card for all of us. I didn't know what was up with that, but wasn't insulted. We enjoyed the sandwiches.

 

Both or our extended families are very solidly middle class - I can't imagine $50 gifts except from a parent to a child or visa versa (from a grown child to a parent).

[annandatje]

Could you politely opt out? With the tight economy, other extended family members may voice same viewpoint once you break the ice.

[ChemMommy]

Yes, might as well say buy trash or junk. In fact,the worst concept ever IMHO was to purposely buy white elephant junk gifts. Worst one or supposedly most unique "wins".

 

 

I get the "what's wrong with you" glare every year when I ask what you can get for $5. My wonderful MIL enjoys second-hand stores and will shop for hours happily, seeking a 5 dollar gift that is worth far more. Great for her!! But, I don't have that amount of time!

 

Honestly, I spend what is necessary for a nice gift and leave it at that. Lucky is the person who's name I draw! LOL

[Impish]

Will they ask for the receipts? :glare:

Exactly what I thought. Price scanner at the door?

Oh, but I *can* see them from my house. :glare:

My dh and his brother are partners on our dairy farm, so we actually do live on the same property, and our lives our inescapably tied together. That's why I'm venting *here*, so that I can maintain equanimity in my real life. :001_smile:

 

It's truly better not to rock the boat, but I did come here and allow myself a "virtual whine session". :D

Ohhhhh. And an 'ewww' in there too for the inescapable situation.

 

Here's a thought...any one mention price again, smile nicely and say, "I don't put a $ tag on love." then smile sweetly, and wander away humming, "Can't Buy Me Love" :D

[Julie in CA]

Dude, that is idiotic. Besides handmade things are better than bought. Therefore you should make a neat fancy dessert that would go for $50 in a bakery. A Yule log cake would easily bring that (I used to work at Katrina Rozelle's in the Bay Area and we'd charge $60 for the larger ones!). Most of your desserts would. So there.

 

$50 is about what I spent on my own kids' presents this year. Luckily my family agreed years ago that adults don't get presents, and nieces/nephews get small gifts. I only have sewing left to do.

:D Thank you! I think it is idiotic. There. I said it.

I also find it ironic that many of my larger and more gourmet cheesecakes easily sell for $35 each, and nobody in dh's family would consider that an appropriate gift either! (Even if I went and bought a $15 cd to go with it :glare:)

 

{sigh} I just keep reminding myself that it really *is* worth $275 to keep peace amongst family that we have to deal with daily both in a personal and a business context. I'm actually a little ashamed that I'm finding this to be an issue of resentment on my part. :blushing:

 

Oh no! I've become the Scrooge!

[TXMomof4]

We drew names one year with dh's family. The deal was there was no price limit, but whatever we bought had to fit in a shoe box. Alright, that leaves a lot of room for bad feelings to begin with. Obviously a diamond ring is going to cost WAY more than a book or a pair of socks. But - I went along anyway. I drew my MIL's name and worked so hard finding small things she would love, making things - really putting a lot of effort into giving her a great Christmas because I was responsible for ALL of her gifts.

 

The week before Christmas they call and the rules have changed. It doesn't have to fit in a shoe box anymore. Oh well, I was done and that was it. So we get to Christmas day and she did love her presents. The gifts were all over the board - china for SIL, yard stuff for dh from his dad, antique printing blocks for BIL from grandpa. Except I didn't get anything. Grandma had drawn my name and back in the summer she had made me a table runner from my own curtain scraps and that was my present - that I'd had for 6 months already.

 

We decided not to draw names anymore. I enjoy finding that perfect gift without worrying about reaching a dollar amount for everyone. I probably spend less overall anyway.

[Diane1]

I wouldn't be abiding by the rules, get what you can afford. Stuff like that irks me. Try to get something on sale and who cares what you paid.

[dangermom]

{sigh} I just keep reminding myself that it really *is* worth $275 to keep peace amongst family that we have to deal with daily both in a personal and a business context. I'm actually a little ashamed that I'm finding this to be an issue of resentment on my part. :blushing:

 

Oh no! I've become the Scrooge!

I don't know. I understand what you mean, and maybe it is worth $275 and we should rise above. But I haven't got that kind of money this year, and it doesn't sound like you really do either. So yeah, in your place I would totally resent that. In our situation, I'd just have to say no, and maybe you're not in quite such dire straits--but still!

 

I don't think you are a Scrooge, because Christmas is not really supposed to be about the exact monetary value of each gift. Keeping parity is nice, but if all I can manage this year is to embroider an initial on a hankie, the Scroogey part is where the recipient goes all resentful and angry because I couldn't afford to buy her as much as she wanted.

[love2read]

You don't have to do what they dictate. They'll be mad the first year, the second year they'll only be annoyed and by the third year people will be joining you. The first year I switched out of the game, I called everyone after thanksgiving and said that this year I was going to give the gift of time since I wanted to stay closer to the meaning of the season, and that we would be giving baked goods. I made a pumpkin log for everyone along with a bag of coffee or tea. By the third year everyone was doing it and now we all give either home made gifts or donations to a charity.

[Scholand]

I would explain you can't afford it and see how they react. Perhaps if you explain your situation you can come up with a resolution. Maybe just do a kids exchange and max it out at $10. Kids don't care about money.